If you'll hark back with us to January 2006, we'll re-introduce you to an incident involving LeBron's mother, a DUI and a shocking amount of mace. Mama James was pulled over for erratic driving, and once "in custody," she wasn't exactly calm.

• She was "driving in an erratic manner, weaving in and out of traffic at a high rate of speed."
• When they first tried to put handcuffs on her, she wrang herself free before she was sedated again.
• Once in the car, she kicked out the side window of the backseat.
• The police, exhausted with dealing with her, eventually sprayed her with mace.

So, you know, LeBron's probably getting a little used to dealing with his mom by now. To remind, by the way: LeBron James' mother is the same age as Bill Simmons, Roy Jones Jr., Sam Cassell and Jennifer Aniston.

The Indestructible Mother Of LeBron James [Deadspin]

Welcome To Cleveland's Roadkill Cafe. Swarming defense, a brutal posterization of the Defensive Player of the Year, a superstar potty mouth, and LeBron's momma ... these were all part of an 88-77 Cavaliers win that had Doc Rivers and his Celtics clicking their ruby slippers together and chanting "There's no place like TD Banknorth Garden...there's no place like TD Banknorth Garden..."

Despite the fact that the Green and White built their reputation on a best-in-the-league defense, Cleveland did most of the shutting downing last night, holding the Celtics to 38 percent shooting and only 12 points in the fourth quarter. And while Boston's not-so-big-anymore three were getting blanked in that final stanza, King James (21 points, 6 rebounds, 13 assists) put his royal boot up the leprechaun's butt, dishing four dimes, hitting the first of two game-breaking threes (Boobie Gibson hit the other one), and dropping an exclamation mark jam on KG that led an Associated Press writer to observe "The Cavaliers were awed by James' stuff." Which I'm sure is totally true, but probably a little TMI.

Of course, many people will remember this contest as the game that LeBron's mom, Gloria James, got all up in Paul Pierce's face after Truth put a bear hug on the King to prevent a second-quarter dunk. But LeBron defused a potentially disruptive situation by calmly explaining that her behavior was inappropriate and politely asking her to return to her seat at the earliest possible convenience. Or something like that.

Said LeBron: "I told her to sit down, in some language that I shouldn't have used. Thank God today wasn't Mother's Day. All I could think about is her. I know my mother, we're good." Suuuuure, LeBron. Whatever you say. (But ask yourself this: Would your mom be okay with you telling her to sit her ass down? Yeah. Didn't think so.)

LeBron hit only 7-for-20 from the field but actually improved his series shooting average to 26 percent. But his Dick Cheney-like marksmanship weren't no thang, partly because he dished 'em and hit 'em when they mattered most, and partly because he got some actual, honest-to-goodness help from Gibson (14 points, 4 assists, and a fourth-quarter dagger), Wally Szczerbiak (14 points, 6-for-11), and Sideshow Bob (12 points, 6 rebounds).

Meanwhile, the Celtics' performances — such as they were — came with asterisks. KG led his team with 15 points and 10 rebounds, but he scored only 2 points in the second half and zero points in the fourth. Ray Allen had 15 points too, but he shot only 4-for-10 and couldn't get open down the stretch. Pierce scored half of his team's 12 fourth-quarter points, but he finished with 13 on 17 shots. Oh, and Boston's bench got outscored 36-17.

Game 5 is Wednesday.

The Jazz fans came out in full force again and some of them even chose to deny God for a chance to root against the Lakers. Or, in Mormon fan Bree Kasten's case, for the Lakers: "I'm not supposed to come, but I did anyways. It's kind of sad because my religion is supposed to be first and foremost to me, but it's the Lakers and I couldn't help it." Kasten was found later that evening riding the bus because, once again, "her car was eaten by locusts." This is what happens when you choose the Black Mamba over God.

The Spurs are determined to make the NBA playoffs as boring as possible : Speaking of Chris Paul, the Shitzu's 23 points and five assists weren't enough to edge the San Antonio Spurs toward the brink of elimination. Tim Duncan showed everyone why he's still Tim Duncan, throwing up a stoicly dominating performance that resulted in 22 points and 15 boards. (Does Tim Duncan still have his tongue pierced, by the way? ) The Spurs completely destroyed the Hornets 100-80 and now have the series tied up again at 2-2, much to the displeasure of every casual NBA fan who doesn't want to suffer through another Finals of slumbering team-oriented basketball with a French point guard. Speaking of which, the Frenchman's wife, Eva Longoria actually attended the game last night in San Antonio, even though her show's season finale was airing at the time. Also in attendance, actor Tommy Lee Jones, who was there to cheer on his new beau, Ime Udoka. The series is tied 2-2.

Celtics receive a Cleveland steamer. It may feel natural to compare Boston's performance last night to poop, but that's actually an insult to poop everywhere. The Celtics fell behind 32-13 in the first quarter and never really challenged, eventually suffering an embarrassing 108-84 defeat. That, my friends, is what I like to refer to as negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages. Or wrestling the brown corn-belly snake. Or taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. Or — and this is my personal favorite — singing with Michael Bolton. Okay. I've hit my quota of poop jokes for the month. What a relief.

LeBron had another sucktastic shooting night (5-for-16), but it didn't matter. The Celtics were sliced and diced by Delonte West (21 points, 5 rebounds, 7 assists), Joe Smith (17 points, 6 rebounds), Wally Szczerbiak (16 points), Zydrunas Ilgauskas (12 points, 8 rebounds, 6 assists) and Ben Wallace (9 points, 9 rebounds, 2 blocked shots). It was...it was like the Cavaliers were an actual team. Boston? Not so much.

Boston's "Big Three" played more like the "Teensy Trio." KG had 17 points and 9 rebounds, but Ray Allen was 4-for-10 and Paul Pierce shot 3-for-8 and committed a game-high 4 turnovers. Rajon Rondo (3-for-10) and Sam Cassell (0-for-6) didn't do much to help the cause, either. The bigger problem, though, was the Celtics' "best in the league" defense, which allowed the Cavs to shoot 54 percent from the field and 52 percent from way out there.

So, uh, yeah ... maybe what the Hawks did in against the Celtics in the first round was no fluke.

The Pistons don't need no stinking Chauncey! Bumping. Grinding. Dwight Howard bleeding from the mouth. It was a rough and tumble game that would have made Bill Laimbeer proud, and that's the type of game the Pistons usually win. Which they did, 90-89. Without Chauncey Billups, no less.

After the game, Rasheed Wallace (16 points, 8 rebounds) broke it down for everybody. "We just played 'D' — that's what we do. It was a physical game on both sides of the ball. That's our style; we like being physical. We just wish we could do that more often." I bet they do. And I bet Dwight Howard and his mouth don't.

Richard Hamilton led Detroit with 32 points, and Tayshaun Prince (17 points, 5 rebounds, 5 assists) hit a running one-hander from 11 feet out with 8.9 seconds to give the Pistons a one-point lead. The Magic could have tied it, but Hedo Turkoglu (20 points, 5 turnovers) took about 8.7 seconds to begin a failed drive to the basket, and Dwight Howard (8 points, 12 rebounds) failed to convert a follow-up layin.

What the hell took Hedo so damn long? This was what he said: "I was reading the situation. I didn't want to rush and force a bad shot. Maybe I was holding it too long instead of going right away." Carlos Boozer approves this message.

So now the Magic are in a 3-1 hole and heading back to Detroit for Game 5. Their only hope is that one of the Pistons players starts talking about how good it feels to be moving on to the second round...

Lakers get Boozed up. Is the Carlos Boozer Playoff Slump finally over? It sure looked like it last night. The Boozman dropped in 27 points (12-for-21) and snatched a career playoff-high-tying 20 rebounds, and the Jazz gave the Lakers a 104-99 hangover. The kind with a throbbing headache and crippling diarrhea. Oh, and increased sensitivity to light. I always hate that part.

How'd Carlos break the jinx? Why, he just pretended he was the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. "I tried to stop thinking so much out there. My teammates were waiting for a big game out of me and I was too. ... I had to play thought-free and just react and play." I guess thinking really is overrated.

Utah did some other things right, too. The Jazz hit 50 percent of their shots (39-for-78). They forced 18 turnovers and won the Battle of the Paint 48-36. And, most importantly, they held the Lakers under 40 freethrow attempts for a change (L.A. was 30-for-37 from the stripe). Mehmet Okur contributed 22 points and 7 rebounds, and he was 4-for-7 from three-point range. Deron Williams hurt his wrist - don't worry; the X-rays were negative - but still finished with 18 points and 12 assists.

Kobe Bryant was once again MVP-like in the box score (34 points, 6 rebounds, 7 assists) and from the foul line (14-for-17), but nobody else really stood out for the Lakers. However, I'm going to throw some numbers at you anyway. Lamar Odom had a double-double (13 points, 12 rebounds), Pau Gasol had 12 points and 6 boards, and Derek Fisher added 13 points. But Kobe, Gasol and Odom combined to throw the ball away 12 times ... which in part led to Utah's 22 points off of turnovers. And that was a problem.

Said Kobe: "We clawed back but you can't turn the ball over so many times. We had a lot of open looks and you can sustain a game like that if you don't turn the ball over."

Lamar Odom had this to add: "This team is good enough for us to lose to and we have to understand that." Was...that a compliment? Or not? I mean, a hole is hole-like enough for me to fall into, but what does that even mean? Never mind. I'll just go back to sniffing glue now.

Fun fact: Boozer's performance was the first 20-20 playoff game by a Jazz player since Karl Malone had 32 points and 20 rebounds against the Lakers in 1997.

Utah versus L.A.: Game 3

Sweet home, Energy Solutions Arena. Say it with me, kids: The Utah Jazz were 37-4 at home this season (although only 2-1 in the playoffs). So obviously the Jazz are going to be relying on a little home cookin' homecourt advantage in Game 3. Speaking of which...

Freethrows. The Lakers shot 89 in Games 1 and 2. The Jazz shot 46. I have a funny feeling that that ratio is going to flip-flop a bit.

Carlos Boozer. C'mon Booz...what's wrong? You've been slumping for, well, the entire playoffs and the last seven games or so of the regular season. Is everything okay at home? Actually, you know what? I don't care. Spank your inner moppet or whatever you need to do to get your head straight. Your team needs you.

The pick and roll. The Jazz live off it. The Lakers have stopped it. Dead. That's at least part of the reason Carlos is sucking so badly. He's not getting any easy baskets, and that's probably affecting his confidence when he's bombing from 15 feet.

General Obvious strikes again. Mr. Boozer can't hit a jump shot, but he can watch game film. "Right now they're packing the lane. That's what I would if I was their team right now. Pack the lane and make us hit jump shots. We have to knock them down." Well, he's right about two things: The Jazz need to hit their jumpers, and the Lakers are a bunch of packers.

Block party. The Lakers have blocked 17 shots in two games. That's, like, 8.5 blocks per game, which is a lot if you think about it. Although he wasn't available for comment, I'm sure Carlos would say that the Jazz need to focus on the basket and avoid the Lakers' meaty hands.

Grandpappy Obvious speaks. Jazz coach Jerry Sloan realizes that the Lakers will still play defense, even in Utah. "They're going to defend us. They're not going to drop off and say, 'OK, we're not going to defend you because we're not in L.A.'" Wow. Thanks for that, Jerry. I'm just...wow.

King Subtle speaks. Ah, Phil Jackson. He loves him some sly volleys, doesn't he? Earlier this week he offhandedly mentioned that the loud and boisterous nature of Utah's home crowd can intimidate officials, making them miss a foul here or there (or everywhere). He claimed to have "amnesia" when asked about that comment, but he did offer that "They're scrumming around. That's much more decisive on their court." True. Just like Kobe elbowing his way into the paint and Lamar Odom going over the back and Sasha Vujacic using two hands and a foot on defense is "much more decisive" at the Staples Center.

Deron Williams. He is the cheese to the Jazz's macaroni. And he needs to be extra cheesy tonight if Utah is going to get a win. Memo to Deron: You're being guarded by a 50-year-old man...take the ball to the hoop every time, okay?

Kobe Bryant. You've got your MVP, okay? Can you just, I don't know, go away now?

Andrei Kirilenko. If Jerry Sloan had a time machine, don't you think he'd use it to replace today's Kirilenko with the AK47 of, say, 2004? You bet your big, throbbing brain he would. And you know what? I'd do the same thing.

Lamar Odom. He is quietly killing the Jazz with his rebounding and his defense on Boozer. Nobody benefits more from the presence of Pau Gasol than Odom, who is obviously at his best as the third option. My solution: Kill Pau Gasol. It may be the only way. I keed, I keed. (But not really.)

This is not news to anyone who has been watching him all year ... but the vast majority of people haven't been watching him all year, including us. Screw this "LeBron/Kobe is the next MJ" business; Chris Paul is the next Chris Paul, and it's pretty amazing.

We enjoyed Eric Neel's valentine on Page 2 yesterday.

Part of it is he's so ordinary looking, so (forgive me, Chris) small. You look at Kevin Garnett and you know you're looking at some extraordinary specimen even before you watch him play. Ditto LeBron and Kobe, whose ripped, long frames seem almost predictably tied to excellence. Paul is fit but not sculpted. He's the shortest guy on the floor most of the time. He's got this unassuming, slightly pigeon-toed walk and this young, seemingly guileless grin. And even though you know he's capable of stealing Jason Kidd's immortal soul, you're still dumbfounded when he completely dominates a Western Conference semifinal game.

Neel touches on a point at the end that makes us sad; it's almost too much, too gorgeous, too fast. Please don't let Chris Paul be dating Star Jones in three years.

At the University Heights Papa John's, police said a few people tried to jump the line, but they were pulled out and those in line started cheering. A Newsnet5.com viewer e-mailed and said a fight broke out at the Springfield Township location on Waterloo Road in Summit County. Springfield police said a verbal altercation took place between two people in line. No one was hurt and no arrests were made, police said.

There was one serious casualty, as Papa John's mascot Mr. Slice was found in a Toledo alley early this morning severely beaten and stripped of his toppings.

The promotion was hatched, of course, after a Papa John's franchise in Washington, D.C., made T-shirts calling LeBron James a "crybaby" after James' complaints about hard fouls during the Cavaliers' playoff series with the Wizards. To counter the bad publicity, the company offered 23-cent large, one-topping pizzas at their Cleveland, Columbus, Toledo and Youngstown outlets. The company will also donate $10,000 to the Cavaliers Youth Fund.

Papa John's first idea was to discount the pizzas according to LeBron's playoff shooting percentage, but that would have hardly even been worth the trouble.

Papa John's Running Out Of Pizza; Promotion May End By Dinnertime [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
Papa John's Stores Will Close Early If Supplies Run Out [Newsnet 5]

We are all witnesses...to an alien invasion! The Martians have struck again. This time, they kidnapped our King and replaced him with a near-to-exact duplicate. It looks like LeBron James. It rumbles through the paint like LeBron James. It probably even cries like LeBron James. They only thing our soon-to-be space overlords forgot was to turn the doppelganger's basketball dial up to 11. I mean, are we really supposed to believe that The Chosen One suddenly forgot how to play basketball? Nice try, Zi'Zhizhipheq of Thooq. But we humans didn't evolve from ocean sludge yesterday, you know. We'll be sending Bruce Willis to kick your space butts now. Yippee ki-yay, you green bastards.

Okay, if we aren't involved in a secret intergalactic war, can somebody tell me WTF is going on? LeBron followed up his worst-ever performance in Game 1 with a "better" performance that was almost equally dreadful: 6-for-24 from the field, 0-for-4 from beyond the arc, 5 rebounds, 6 assists and 7 turnovers. The good news: He did manage to score a game-high 21 points. The bad news: The Cavaliers didn't even come close to winning this time, losing 89-73 to the Celtics.

Things actually started out great for the King and his mates, as the Cavs ran out to a 21-11 lead. Then it was the Boston reserves to the rescue. With Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce watching from the bench, guys like Leon Powe (11 points, 7 rebounds), Sam Cassell (9 points, 3 assists) and P.J. Brown stepped up and made a run to get the Celtics back into the game. And then there was James Posey (7 points, 6 rebounds, 3 steals), who's numbers can't quantify the killer defense he played on Space LeBron.

Oh, and Pierce (19 points, 6 rebounds), Allen (16 points) and KG (13 points, 12 boards) were okay, too.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas (19 points, 9-for-12, 5 rebounds) continues to be Cleveland's best player, which might mean he got nabbed by the Green Menace as well. But Wally Szczerbiak (4-for-11) and Delonte West (1-for-5, 5 assists) seem like their old selves. So maybe I'm just overreacting.

FYI: Ben Wallace almost collapsed on his way to the bench less than four minutes into the game and had to be taken to the locker room. Big Ben said it was just dizziness caused by allergies. So yeah, he's just allergic...to aliens!! Cavaliers spokesperson Tad Carper — nice name, huh? — said that Wallace will be re-evaluated when the team returns to Cleveland.

They ain't dead yet, apparently. The Spurs used that age-old formula of Physical Defense + Hitting Shots to get back into their second-round series against the Hornets. And their 110-99 win signifies, if nothing else, that the defending champs won't get swept out of the playoffs.

How'd San Antonio do it? Chris Paul has an idea: "They made a lot more shots." So sayeth the Lord of Obvious.

Manu Ginobili, now a starter, scored 31 points — as I predicted, by the way — and Tony Parker added another 31 to go along with his 11 assists and annoying Frenchiness. Tim Duncan had 16 points and 13 boards, but he really didn't get his groove back until the refs tagged Tyson Chandler (12 points, 8 rebounds) with a few quick third-quarter fouls that sent the big man directly to the bench without passing "Go" or collecting $200.

Paul (35 points, 9 assists) and David West (23 points, 12 rebounds, 3 blocked shots) went crazy-insane on the Spurs, but Bruce Bowen did everything but put Peja Stojakovic into a figure-four leg lock, holding the Bomber from Belgrade to only 8 points on 2-for-7 shooting. So, you know, that worked.

So remember, never underestimate the heart of a blah, blah, blah. Game 4 is on Sunday.

Fun fact: Jacque Vaughn and Robert Horry each collected one mario last night.

Defense. It rocked in Game 1. Both teams got after it. It was gritty. It was a 48-minute scrum. It was...the late 90s all over again. If you liked that sort of thing.

Offense. It sucked in Game 1. Look, kids, I know that both teams were going balls-out on defense, but come on. Dudes were just flat-out missing shots, too. Especially LeBron, who looked like he downed some dizzy pills before the game. According to Pierce: "Offensively, we were a terrible-looking group. We turned the ball over 23 times, shot 40 percent from the field. We did just about everything wrong you could do offensively." Pretty much, yeah.

Doc Rivers versus Mike Brown. The chess game continues. Between two guys who probably should be playing Candyland. (See above.)

Commander Obvious. According to Paul Pierce: "(The Cavaliers) are going to try to do things to make it easier on LeBron." Thanks, Paul. Carlos Boozer approves.

Kevin Garnett. He-who-should-be-MVP was The Man in Game 1. He even hit the go-ahead basket with 22 seconds left. But he knows the Celtics have to win the title or the questions will follow him forever. The mission continues tonight.

David Stern. You just know it's killing him to have KG and the Celtics versus LeBron and the LeBrons in the second round. If he was human, he would probably be weeping right now instead of eating live babies. (I'm just kind of assuming on that last part.)

Zydrunas Ilgauskas. I expect another solid game from the Z-Man. Mostly because Kendrick Perkins has the footspeed and reaction time of molasses. Sorry. Frozen molasses.

Inner peace. LeBron isn't gonna sweat a bad game. Or even two bad games. "If I have a bad game or I have a bad two games, it's not like I'm soul-searching or anything like that." Well, that's a relief. I'd hate to think that the King was stressed out or anything.

San Antonio versus New Orleans: Game 3

Chris Paul. The kid turned 23 on Tuesday. Man...23, up 2-0 on the defending champs, and he probably should have been the MVP. Kind of puts your "accomplishments" in perspective, doesn't it? Sucks, huh?

Colonol Obvious, Part I. Tony Parker knows just what the Spurs have to do to get back into this series. "It sounds, like, easy, but we just have to play better. They just outplayed us the first two games and now we're playing at home and we have to make more shots and play better defense. We're going to change stuff but at the end of the day it's just basketball." Again, Carlos Boozer approves.

Colonol Obvious, Part II. Parker must have been in a giving mood this week, because - like any good Frenchman - he freely surrendered the secret of San Antonio's championship success: "Every year we won the championship, we got a lot of guys making shots." Okay. Now Carlos Boozer is just amazed.

The respect card. Ooo, ooo, ooo! There it is! Byron Scott finally threw it down! "We're not only playing the champions, we're playing for respect, because we felt all season long like we really haven't gotten it." Hm, let's see: Two All-Stars, a Coach of the Year award for you, and Chris Paul was the MVP runner-up. Yeah, Byron. You guys have been totally disrespected. Now go use it.

Tim Duncan versus Tyson Chandler. Who knew that the tall, lanky guy that got run out of Chicago by a mob of angry villagers would be playing Mr. Greatest Power Forward of All-Time to a standstill. In fact, Tyson might be a little be ahead. (That sound you just heard was the joint primal scream of John Paxson and Steve Kerr.)

Bruce Bowen. Rumor has it he'll be guarding Peja Stojakovic after the way Peja lit the Spurs up in Game 2. So what's he gonna use? Groin shot? Foot under foot? So many dirty tricks, so little time.

David West. Unstoppable in Game 1, stopped in Game 2. If Bowen does shut down/cripple Peja, West is going to have to step up because the Hornets don't have a bench.

Manu Ginobili. He came in 10th in MVP voting this year, but not because of anything he's done in this series. I'm calling it now: Tonight Manu goes off for 30 points, 7 rebounds, 8 assists, and 17 flops.

The poor server who had the unfortunate experience of waiting on LeBron at Cleveland's XO Prime Steaks during a recent late night pop-in probably had this thought. According to the Cleveland Scene, this is how it all went down:

LeBron pulls up in his Mercedes outside XO. People stop and try not to stare, but c'mon, it's LeBron James. He enters the restaurant with a group of friends. On this special occasion, the King decides to dine late. He keeps his group there until around 3:45 a.m. During this time the waiter obsequiously pours drinks and fetches anything else His Greatness needs.

The final bill comes to $800. By the feudal laws of decorum, which stipulate that the affluent should administer a 20 percent gratuity, staffers figured they'd be pocketing an extra $160. But when they fetched the autographed bill after His Heinousness bolted back to Akron, their expectation turned to disbelief, then anger.

LeBron stiffed them with a meager $10 tip. This is what French nobles like to call your requisite Bourgeois Bitch-Slap. The waiter wouldn't even take it, tired of being shat on by guys like LeBron.

It'd probably be in James' best interest to now hire an official food taster if he plans on dining at anymore Cleveland restaurants in the near future.

When it comes to tipping, LeBron goes Scrooge McDuck [Cleveland Scene]

The Heat were the worst team in the NBA this year, and Wade's buddy Shaq is gone. More to the point, though ... Wade's supposedly dating Star Jones (Star Jones! Seriously!) and having alleged groupies of his call into radio stations. Wade went from the superstar everyone can like to a beaten, injured spirit who's showing up in gossip pages everywhere. (With Star Jones!) (!!)

We dunno; we supposed we're just worried about the guy. That seemed to turn, like, really fast.

Dwyane Wade Groupie Discusses Hookup On The Radio [You Been Blinded]
Sportsman Of The Year: Dwyane Wade [SI Vault]

That was just so Hollywood. Kobe Bryant got his perfect script. On the night he was presented his Lifetime Achievement Award MVP, his 34 points, 8 rebounds and 6 assists helped lead the Lakers to a 120-110 victory over the Utah Jazz in Game 2 of the teams' second-round series. The only thing missing was Mamba slithering back to the locker room in slow motion while Chariots of Fire played in the background.

The Lakers continued to bake their bread at the line, and it was some real sour dough for the Jazz: L.A. shot 43 free throws compared to only 16 for Utah. And this discrepancy wasn't lost on Jerry Sloan. "We've put them on the line 89 times (in two games). That's way too many. That was the difference in the game, free throws." Uh, yeah, you could say that. As General Obvious Carlos Boozer might say, "Them getting 27 more free throws than us really helped them a lot."

Speaking of Carlos, his slump continued (10 points, 3-for-10) and he played only 24 minutes due to foul trouble in the first half. Deron Williams shook off a slow start to finish with 25 points and 10 assists, leading seven Jazz players in double figures. Paul Millsap added 17 points (7-for-13) and 10 boards, and he was the only reason Utah didn't go down by 30 in the first half.

Derek Fisher twisted the knife in the Jazz fans' back a little bit more with a 22-point, 7-for-10 game. Pau Gasol also had 20 points, and Lamar Odom continued to thrive in his "third option" role with 19 points and 16 rebounds.

Now the series moves to Utah, where I hear the Jazz play pretty well...

The return of the $110 Million Man. Rashard Lewis had kind of been sucking so far in this second-round series: Over the first two games, he had gone 15-for-41 from the field and 2-for-12 from three-point range. It's like his bionic eye was really just an olive somebody shoved in there and his bionic arm had been replaced with a cheese log. Which might have actually happened in an episode of The Six Million Dollar Man. It was Return of the Deathprobe Part I, if I'm not mistaken.

Uh, anyway, Rashard got his superpowers back last night — 33 points, 11-for-15 shooting, 5-for-6 from The Land of Three — and the Magic ended their nine-game playoff jinx against the Pistons with a convincing 111-86 victory.

The win was made possible in part by hard practice and a healthy lifestyle, and also by the fact that Chauncey Billups strained his right hamstring and played only the first 3:49 of the first quarter. Detroit fell behind 30-16 in that opening stanza, and despite a little third quarter run, they were overwhelmed, much like I was while trying to think of an analogy with which to end this paragraph.

Pistons coach Flip Saunders said: "I'm concerned because (Billups is) our quarterback; he runs our team. You saw our first two games. He's been a huge part of why we've been successful - that matchup has been huge for us." No kidding. So is this the part where the MVP voters start recasting their ballots for Mr. Big Shot?

The Magic hit 54 percent of their shots as a team. Lewis got capable backup from Dwight Howard (20 points, 12 rebounds, 6 blocked shots), Hedo Turkoglu (18 points, team-high 6 assists), and Jameer "Thank God I didn't have to play against Chauncey" Nelson (18 points, 7 rebounds). Rip Hamilton led the Pistons in both points (24) and turnovers (6), Tayshaun Prince added 22 points and 7 boards, and Rodney Stuckey did a poor man's impersonation of Billups (19 points, 3 assists).

Fun fact(s): Steve Austin's boss was named Oscar Goldman. And the Six Million Dollar Man toy line featured a bigfoot doll.

Utah versus L.A.: Game 2

Kobe Bryant. Congratulations to the Black Mamba for finally winning his first Lifetime Achievement Award MVP. It's been 12 years, thousands of jumpers, and several teammates/coaches/GMs thrown under the bus in the making. Put your hands together for Kobe Bryant, ladies and gentlemen! Random note: According to Carlos Boozer, "If we can go out there and ruin [Kobe's MVP] party a little bit by getting a victory, that helps us a lot." Thanks so much, Captain Obvious.

The free throw line. The Lakers were spoon-fed on the line in Game 1(46 attempts), particularly Kobe, who connected on a franchise playoff-record 21 in 23 attempts. Some would say this is because the Jazz are a physical, bump-and-grind team that makes opponents pay for their forays into the paint. Others would argue that it's because Kobe is allowed to forearm and elbow his way to the basket and then gets a favorable whistle whenever he misses a shot. But you know, truth is subjective, so make your own decision. Random note: According to Carlos Boozer, "If we can keep [Kobe] off the line, that would help us a lot." Thanks again, Captain Obvious. Keep this up and I'm promoting you to General Obvious.

The field. The Jazz were way off the mark in Game 1 — 37.9 percent shooting — and they'll probably need to, you know, hit some shots if they want to compete in Game 2. Andrei Kirilenko's good looks will only get them so far. According to Carlos Boozer, "We've got to make some adjustments." Yup. General Obvious.

The boards. Utah bullied their way to some serious rebounding dominance in the first game of this series: 58-41, including 25-8 on the offensive glass. Memo to the Lakers: Giving up 25 offensive rebounds is usually a problem.

Hands and feet. You know how the Lakers got 46 free throws? That's because the Jazz played defense like a drunken octopus, and their wooden limbs hacked and slashed their way to 34 personal fouls.

Carlos Boozer. Is Carlos in a mini-slump? Here are his shooting performances from Utah's last four playoff games: 6-for-14, 6-for-17, 8-for-18 and 3-for-13. Sure seems like it to me. Random note: According to Carlos Boozer, "I'd love for us to go out there and get a win. For us to come back (to Utah) with a split would be much better than coming back here 0-2." Carlos Boozer...a four-star General Obvious.

Orlando versus Detroit: Game 3

The game clock. I would be willing to bet one million Basketbawful bucks there won't be any clock malfunctions in Game 3. What do you think?

Reverse stat curse. Orlando has lost nine straight playoff games to Detroit, including both last year's 4-0 first-round sweep that 2003 series in which the Pistons took the last three games to overcame a 3-1 deficit. One more loss would tie the Magic with three other teams for the second-longest postseason losing streak to one team in NBA history. There's no way Orlando is going to fall victim to that kind of obscure statistical anomaly...right?

Ball control. The Magic need some. Badly. They turned the rock over 19 times in Game 2 — Dwight Howard, Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu combined for 17 of them — and those bumbles transformed into 22 Pistons points. According to Jameer Nelson, "When you turn the ball over you aren't giving yourself a chance." Look out, Carlos. Jameer might have his eye on your generalship.

Dwight Howard's thumb. Superman deep-sixed his ditched his thumb brace because he couldn't grip the ball. "There were a lot of passes and rebounds that slipped right out of my hand. It was fine in practice the other day, but before the game the ball was slippery, and I just had to get rid of it." Huh. It'll be interesting to see whether the thumb effects him tonight.

Jason Maxiell. Stan Van Gundy opted to leave Mad Maximus open in Game 2, and the kid went 5-for-5...shades of Caldwell Jones in Game 2 of the 1982 Eastern Conference Finals. And I'm betting I'm the only person who would have thought of that. Never mind. Anyway, I'm guessing the bro' of Van Ghouly will instruct his players to get a hand in Maxiell's face going forward.

Hair power. This was sent in by Deadspin reader Ben: "Detroit Pistons FACTS!

— Samuel Dalembert got a funny mohawk before game 4 of the Pistons-Sixers series.

— JJ Redick has a mohawk that is funny in a different way.

— The Pistons are undefeated in the 2008 playoffs against Mohawk Teams.

You read it here first. The Magic need to steal Redick's hair gel or shave his head. Otherwise, this series is over in four.

Well, that was sure...entertaining. Did you enjoy the 1994 NBA Finals? Do you miss those halcyon days of the Knicks-Heat rivalry? Has watching the Spurs slowly and methodically grind their opponents into paste over the last 10 years been the highlight of your existence? Then Game 1 of the Cavaliers-Celtics series was for you! And you are a freak. Please stay away from me and my column. I'm kidding. Keep reading. I get bonuses for page views.

This is how Kevin Garnett (28 points, 8 rebounds) described last night's crap-a-palooza, which Boston won 76-72: "This was two heavyweights, just body-punching. There was no finesse, no jabs, just an all-out, beat-down, defensive fight." He's sort of right, assuming those "heavyweights" were two mildly retarded paraplegics drowning in their own spittle while having an epileptic seizure. Oh, and while on fire, too.

Look, there's no way to sugarcoat this: The game was ugly. An abomination. An affront to the memory of Dr. James Naismith and all he stood for. Or, as Bill Walton might say, it was terrrrrrrrible...an embarrassment to the sport of basketball. If the NBA is a pimp, then this game would be its black-eyed bitch. Have I gone too far? Or have I not gone far enough? I'll let you decide.

LeBron James — who came in a very distant fourth in MVP voting — saved his absolute worst for last night. The King played like the bastard prince of some lowly province or whatever the hell princes rule these days. He scored 12 points on 2-for-18 shooting. He committed 10 turnovers and was a single assist or rebound away from achieving the infamous triple bumble. He played so poorly that I honestly started wondering whether a Lucky the Leprechaun had drugged him before the game. Seriously, do we know what he had for lunch and where it came from? Somebody look into it. (Maybe he got some of Tim Duncan's Gatorade?)

He wasn't alone in the suckfest, though. Teammate Delonte West was 2-for-10 and Wally Szczerbiak was 5-for-14 as the Cavaliers shot a Mr. Freeze-like 30 percent from the field. And the awful wasn't limited to Cleveland, either. Ray Allen scored zero points on 0-for-4 shooting and committed 4 turnovers in 37 minutes of lack-tion. Paul Pierce shot 2-for-14 and had 6 turnovers. Big Baby Davis had a four trillion. If it wasn't for KG (who finished third in MVP voting) and Zydrunas Ilgauskas (22 points, 12 rebounds), I'd have to revise my earlier description of the game from "mildly retarded" to "severely retarded."

Fun fact 1: With the game tied at 72-all, Garnett hit a basket to give the Celtics a two-point lead with 22 seconds left. So those that say he shrinks away from the big moments can go suck it. LeBron "Mr. Fourth Quarter" James followed up KG's shot by boning a layup.

Fun fact 2: This is the final line from the Associated Press recap of the game: "James missed a long but meaningless jumper to punctuate his night." That just cracked me up for some reason.

Cleveland versus Boston: Game 1

LeBron James. The King shut up his critics — which consisted mostly of DeShawn Stevenson and the rest of the Wizards — by crushing his first-round foes under his royal boot. The Wiz did their best to rough him up and beat him down, but he still averaged a near triple-double (29.8 PPG, 9.5 RPG, 7.7 APG). Can LeBron pull the sword from the stone against Boston? (Yeah, probably.)

The Boston defense. The league's best regular season defense struggled, at times, to contain Joe Johnson and Josh Smith. Now they have to try and contain LeBron. Yeah. Good luck with that, guys. My suggestion would be stop everybody but LeBron. Even if he goes off for 50, the Celtics would still win, like, 98-57.

The LeBronnaires. Look, no man, no two men, no army of men or the undead can stop LeBron James. The question is...who else is going to step up for the Cavs? Zydrunas Ilgauskas? Wally Szczerbiak? Delonte West? Boobie? It's gotta be one of those guys or nobody. My best guess? Nobody. But then again, Kendrick Perkins may be the only center in the NBA who moves more slowly than Ilgauskas, so you never know...

Kevin Garnett. He's filling up with so much kinetic energy that he has officially become the first player since Alonzo Mourning in 2006 that I think might actually explode during a game. It's called spontaneous human combustion, people, and it happens, okay? That's science fact. Personally, I hope KG survives his own personal Chernobyl. Barring that, I can only hope one of the Boston fans saves me a piece.

Cockiness. The worst damage inflicted on the Celtics by the Hawks was Boston's newfound vulnerability...be it real or perceived. As Cleveland's Devin Brown put it: "They kind of had that arrogance about them all season by winning so many games that you were kind of not wanting to face them. But after seeing what we saw, I think we're ready to go." Unless I'm wrong - and I'm never wrong - that quote is on a bulletin board in the Boston locker room right now. Right next to a post-it note asking the question "Now who's Devin Brown again?"

Paul Pierce versus LeBron. With all due respect to DeShawn Stevenson, the King's first-round rival didn't really stand much of a chance. He can take on a fancy nickname and grow a mangy beard, but that doesn't make him not DeShawn Stevenson, you know? But LeBron's second-round rival...now, he's on a little more equal footing. What? You didn't know the Pierce and James were rivals? Oh hells to the yes. There's some serious history there. Now let's hope that Truth can do more than just deliver hard fouls and trash talk.

Lookin' over the shoulder. Barring the unforseen, the Pistons are going to make relatively short work of the Magic. (How's that for a reverse stat curse?) So, in theory, whoever is left standing after the Cavs-Celts series would be at a tactical disadvantage if it went six or seven games, right? Both teams are going to want to finish this soon. And you know Cleveland is going to go balls-out to steal this first game in Boston.

Anderson Varejao. What can I say? Stuff like this cracks me up. I think it's the hair.

We suppose an event that relies entirely on mathematics would inevitably be wagered on, but it still seems odd.

What would be really funny would be if any of these odds changed. We'd have to assume that someone maxed them out, and The Greek didn't want to put themselves at too much risk on a silly prop. I'd like to interview anyone who actually bets significant money on these, and figure out what their reasoning is.

As mentioned, if you bet on this, you probably have a gambling problem. Not that you didn't know that, and are betting anyway.

NBA Draft Lottery Odds [Vegas Watch]

I'm sorry Cleveland, but you guys have got to have the least threatening, least homecourt-advantage-giving playoff crowd in this entire field of 16. Yes, I know San Antonio didn't even fill its arena for some of its first round games, and yeah, I know Toronto and Orlando don't exactly bring the noise, but still, you guys take last. It's not your fault; trust me I know. You guys have had to tiptoe around LeBron ever since he denied signing the max contract, not to mention the fact that Cleveland sports fans in general constantly have to hold their collective breath given years of spurning by the Browns, Indians, and Ehlos. Nonetheless, in a toss-up series, home court advantage might just make the difference, and it's going clearly in Boston's favor.

Now that's not to say I don't have a beef with you, Boston fans. Your obnoxiousness has permeated sport culture so thoroughly over the past five years that it's overwhelmingly trite to even diss you. And hell, Mike Bibby already (properly) played the bandwagon card, so I've got nothing else to say. As far as the Celtics themselves, congrats guys, I loved all the jersey-popping and bench-stomping and chest-thumping in game 7, after you finally beat the Hawks in the last game of the series. Kevin Garnett is so intense. Veteran experience is so important. The holy spirit of Dave Cowens has entered the building. The Celtics love playing with each other. Wake me up when the talking heads are just heads.

The conventional wisdom is that the competitiveness of the Eastern Conference playoffs reflects the fact that the East wasn't really the sucker conference after all. On the contrary, the Hawks/Celtics and Wiz/Cavs series more likely showed that no one in the East could go for the kill. Ugh. So, now we get to the prime time stage of the NBA's B-Squad tournament, and it's Ubuntu vs. The Man.

Getting my prediction out of the way, I'm rolling with the Celtics, but I'm gonna put out there a 12% chance of LeBron winning the whole damn thing by himself. LeBron right now is Harry Truman meets Suge Knight. A dangerous nerd capable of destroying your lofty hopes, but a guy whom people still make fun of behind his back. And the Celtics won't respect him like the Wizards did. You see, the only reason the Wiz had a puncher's chance in that series is that they treated LBJ like MJ. They beat him up, they triple-teamed him, they trash-talked him non-stop, they let Wally Szczerbiak go for 26, they left Delonte West wide open for a game-winner. In other words, they treated LeBron like he was the only guy on the team that mattered, which is pretty darn close to the truth.

Now the Celtics, as opposed to the Wizards, have this aura of foolish pride that is going to likely inspire them to put Pierce on 'Bron in single coverage, which — as good of a defender as Pierce is — is going to be a handful. Maybe Doc Rivers can prove me wrong. Maybe he'll wise up and give 'Bron the Joe Johnson game 7 treatment. Maybe Tony Allen will finally get his proper burn, and maybe James Posey, the Celtics' MVPP (Most Valuable Player in the Playoffs), will get the LeBron assignment (and while we're at it, if Posey starts manning up James, can we get an over/under on how many times the term "length" is used?). But Doc hasn't proven anything yet this entire season, and I give him four games before he can figure out the proper way to guard Bronzino.

What I want to know is whether or not LeBron can get mean. LeBron never really could muster a cool response to the Wizards' prodding of him. Brendan Haywood's infantilizing mimicry of LeBron was hilarious as was DeShawn Stevenson's persistent wet-willying. Dude even let Papa John punk him. And yeah, the Cavaliers ended up winning the series and everyone was talking about how LeBron "spoke with his game" instead of verbally sparring with those plebeian Wizards. Eff. That. LeBron is never going to subvert his robotic/platonic image by actually SAYING anything at all that is more than a cliché or a carefully scripted "I'm above all that" cop-out non-response.

If LeBron can unleash some authentic from-the-soul wrath, he can overcome the dung-storm that the Boston crowd is gonna rain on him. Otherwise, it's curtains for the Cavaliers and another sad summer of speculation from Cleveland fans about LeBron's allegiances, his supporting cast, etc. Let's just say it — now that KG is paired up with Piru Love and Jesus Shuttlesworth, we can safely say that 'Bron is the superstar that has endured the worst supporting casts of all time. When your Pippen-of-the-month has been downgraded to Joe Smith, your chances of a title are slim. Let's hope 'Bron can take things personal, fire himself up and make things interesting.

Mmmm...more home cookin'. The Detroit Pistons had the Orlando Magic over for a little playoff dinner, and Stan Van Gundy's team is still choking on the crap they got served at the end of the third quarter. The game clock mysteriously froze at 4.8 seconds, which gave Chauncey Billups the extra time he needed to hit a momentum-changing three-pointer with "0.5 seconds" left. The three-that-wasn't-a-three gave the Pistons a 78-76 lead going into the fourth. Here's some video of the refs getting it wrong. Here's some video of the TNT broadcasters proving the refs got it wrong. And here are some reactions from both sides. Guess which side was not okay with it?

Said Van Gundy: "They had to estimate how much time (was left) and they estimated 4.6 seconds. I mean that's...that's almost funny, I mean you know. How long did that play take? Well, you know, I don't know, 4.3, 4.6, I mean 4 or 5 seconds right? I mean they estimated 4.6. What can you do?" The answer rhymes with "bend over and take it," Stan.

Lead official Steve Javie, uh, declined comment after the game. But in all fairness, his hands were tied because the league's replay rules don't allow for reviewing a play to figure out when the shot clock started, should have started, etc. Because David Stern likes to kick things old school.

All that crap aside, it was an entertaining game. The Magic fell behind by 14 in the first half, fought their way back to regain the lead, had that lead unrightfully taken with them, but still could have tied the game in the final 20 seconds had Rashard Lewis (20 points, 5 rebounds, 6 turnovers) not missed a running scoop, or had Dwight Howard (22 points, 18 rebounds, 5 turnovers) not missed a putback. And, of course, they might have had another shot at it if Hedo Turkoglu (12 points, 7 assists, 6 turnovers) had managed to grab the offensive rebound off of Superman's miss. Oh, and it would have helped if Orlando's Big Three hadn't kept throwing the damn ball away.

Billups led the Pistons with 28 — although it should have been 25 — while Rasheed Wallace and Tayshaun Price added 17 each.

Defending chumps. Okay, um, wow? I knew the Hornets were pretty good, and I also felt that Chris Paul should have been named the league MVP, but ... well, wow. I don't think anybody expected them to manhandle the Spurs in Game 1, much less do it again in Game 2. But that's exactly what they did in a 102-84 victory that — according to my thesaurus — fell somewhere between stunning and unthinkable.

The Spurs actually led by a point at halftime before getting ripped 36-18 in the third quarter. The beatdown was getting so out of hand that Gregg Popovich sent a little "Get yer heads out of yer butts" message by benching his starters in favor of lineup consisting of Ime Udoka, Brent Barry, Fabricio Oberto, Robert Horry and Jacque Vaughn. And you know what? Those guys inexplicably made a little run. Pop eventually hustled his boys back in for one last crack at it, but CP-MVP turned it up a notch and the Hornets won going away. For the second straight game, in case you skipped ahead.

Paul finished with a really-shoulda-won-MVP-like 30 points and 12 assists (with only 1 turnover). David West struggled mightily (10 points, 2-for-11, 10 rebounds), but Peja Stojakovic (25 points, 5-for-7 from three-point range) picked up the slack. Tyson Chandler had 5 points, 11 rebounds and 2 blocked shots, but he was limited to 27 minutes because of foul trouble. He still got in his quota of alley-oops, though.

Timmy Duncan played a little better (18 points, 6-for-11, 8 rebounds), but Tony Parker (5-for-14), Michael Finley (2-for-7), Bruce Bowen (1-for-7) and Manu Ginobili (4-for-10, 5 turnovers) were so awful that all the flopping and eye-rolling in the world couldn't save them. If it wasn't for the ageless gunning of Brent Barry (14 points, 4-for-5 on threes) the Spurs probably would have lost by 30.

Memo to Steve Kerr and the Phoenix Suns: Remember how you went out and traded for Shaq so that you could slow things down? Because you thought that was the only way to beat San Antonio? Well, here's the thing ... they are very old. And it turns out that runnin' and gunnin' actually was the way to beat them this year. That's the sound of painful irony slapping you upside the face. Like Bill Simmons said, R.I.P. to the Seven Seconds or Less era.

Fun fact: Danny Glover really is getting too old for this shit.

Orlando versus Detroit: Game 2

En Guard! Orlando's backcourt combo of Jameer Nelson and Maurice Evans got cooked in a big pot of boiling water and eaten alive by their Piston counterparts in Game 1. But paraphernalia aside, those guys really do need to play better in Game 2 — and the rest of the series — or the Magic won't be able to even keep things competitive.

"Super"man. Dwight Howard had a Dazzler-like performance in Game 1 (12 points, 8 rebounds), and he injured his left thumb going for a rebound in the third quarter. I'm not saying he has to have another 20-20 game, but he needs to turn the paint into his own exclusive province or the Magic won't be able to even keep things competitive.

Three-point shooting. The Magic live by the three and get horribly mutilated by the three. Game 1 was one of the horrible mutilations, as Orlando shot 2-for-15. Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu need to find their range from distance or the Magic won't be able...you see where I'm going with this?

Rasheed Wallace. All the fun stuff aside, 'Sheed has to guard Howard. It's a big job, but he can definitely be the Bizarro to Dwight's Superman.

Detroit Pistons: Can they stay awake for an entire series? The world may never know.

Trash talk. Oooo, sweet! Now that the Wizards-Cavaliers series is over, Magic-Pistons is the new hot spot for verbal diarrhea. In Game 1, Rashard Lewis dropped Theo Ratliff with a hard foul. Jason Maxiell tried to defend Ratliff, but Theo didn't want any of that. "There's no sense in guys coming to my rescue. I mean, that was Rashard Lewis. He's a 3 man." When he heard about that, Lewis fired back. "You can have a lot of energy in five minutes a game. What's he played? 15 games? Tell him to come out and guard me."

It didn't end there. Maxiell also gave a Cobra Kai speech about how the Pistons had put the clamps on Howard. "He has a very strong upper body. But if you get down low and take his legs out, he's not that powerful." If a man can't stand, he can't fight, right? Dwight respectfully disagrees. "That's not true. Trust me."

Ratliff then launched another volley. "They're a finesse team. They're a 3-point shooting team." This freaked Jameer Nelson out. "Who? Who?" Nelson asked mockingly when Ratliff's comments got back to him. "I'm getting sick and tired of people calling us soft."

I'm thinking there are going to be fireworks in Game 2...

San Antonio versus New Orleans: Game 2

Tim Duncan. Smell that? No, it's not dookie. It's Timmy's performance in Game 1: 5 points, 1-for-9 shooting, and 3 rebounds. It was about as bad as Tim Duncan has ever performed in the playoffs. It kind of reminded me of Game 1 of the 1985 NBA Finals, when Kareem Abdul-Jabbar got destroyed by Robert Parish and the Lakers got massacred by the Celtics, 148-114. But in Game 2, Cap came back with 30 points, 17 rebounds, 3 blocked shots and 8 assists in a 109-102 Lakers victory. Never underestimate the heart of a champion, my friends. Timmy's gonna come back gangbusters.

Tyson Chandler. He played great (10 points, 15 rebounds, 3 blocks) and really put Timmy in a corner. The Hornets are going to need more of the same and then some.

Bruce Bowen. Some people say that a playoff series doesn't really start until a home team loses a game. When the Spurs are involved, a series doesn't start until Bowen cheap-shots somebody. So, yeah, this series has officially started. I'm calling an eye gouge in this game.

David West. He was A Man in Game 1: 30 points, 13-for-23, 9 rebounds. I'm guessing Gregg Popovich will have devised a few West-stopping schemes over the last couple days. Will we see Duncan on West? Hmmm. Speaking of which Scar Face...

Gregg Popovich versus Byron Scott. Pop makes fantastic game-to-game adjustments. Scott's the Coach of the Year. Who will outcoach whom? (Here's my answer: The Hornets better hope it doesn't come down to coaching.)

Father Time. TP looks good, Many looks good, and Timmy's going to come back strong. But the rest of the Spurs, well, damn they look old. Ancient. Superannuated, even. Michael Finley, Kurt Thomas, Robert Horry...those guys looked like they were playing Game 1 with a foot or two in the grave.

The New Orleans bench. They scored 14 of the Hornets' 101 points in the first game. That puts a lot of pressure on the starts to produce, doesn't it? And did I mention their "bench" is Jannero Pargo and Bonzi Wells, period?

Bird droppings. It's finally official: There will be no first round upset of the Boston Celtics. And after yesterday's 99-65 spit-roasting, there's barely enough left of the upstart Hawks to fill a doggy bag.

Atlanta shot 29 percent from the field, scored only 26 points in the first half and had more turnovers (16) than assists (11). Other than Joe Johnson (16 points, 5-for-17), no other Hawks starter reached double-figures: Al Horford (8 points, 3-for-12), Marvin Williams (7 points, 3-for-11), Josh Smith (7 points, 3-for-11) and Mike Bibby (2 points, 1-for-3) must have gotten a little Celtic Pride in their eyes before the game. Their most accurate play of the night was when Williams clotheslined Rajon Rondo.

Boston, meanwhile, just took care of their business. Paul Pierce scored a game-high 22 points and grabbed 8 rebounds, Kevin Garnett added 18 points, 11 rebounds and a ball-busting backcourt screen on his good buddy Zaza Pachulia, and the Celtics built a lead so insurmountable that Eddie House and Big Baby Davis played almost the entire fourth quarter. Human victory cigar, anyone?

In the end, the result of the game came down to this: For all the hustle and heart they showed in Atlanta, the Hawks simply couldn't match the Celtics' in Boston. And their coach knew it. Mike Woodson said: "I wish we could have played all of our games in Atlanta. Nobody thought we had an opportunity to even win a game in this series. We battled them right to the end. We just didn't have it today."

They sure didn't. The Hawks looked de-energized and even intimidated. They weren't as physical on defense and they weren't nearly as aggressive in taking the ball to the hoop. Maybe it was KG's menacing gestures, or maybe they're just afraid of leprechauns...I know I am. Still, they shocked the Celtics and the world, and everybody in an Atlanta uniform should be proud. They have something special to build on for next season.

But they're still the Hawks, so they probably won't.

Somebody get a fresh coat of paint. Because the Lakers wore the hell out of the freethrow line yesterday. L.A. attempted 46 foul shots in all — 19 of which came in the fourth quarter — and Kobe Bryant hit a franchise playoff-record 21 (out of 23) in the Lakers' 109-98 Game 1 win over the Utah Jazz. And while you're looking for that paint, somebody better check the referees for whistle-lash.

Even Phil Jackson was amazed at the number of free throw attempts, especially Kobe's. "It's an incredible night to have 23 foul shots. I know that Utah's not going to be happy about it. We'll probably see about half that in the next game, if not less. So for him to do that, it was our biggest scoring threat of the night right there."

Mamba finished the game with 38 points, and got some able backup from Pau Gasol (18 points, 10 rebounds, 5 assists), Lamar Odom (16 points, 9 rebounds) and Sasha Vujacic (career playoff-high 15 points). Heck, even little old Derek Fisher chipped in with a career playoff-best 6 steals.

The Utah players looked a little gassed from Friday's series-clinching win over the Houston Rockets. They shot poorly from the field (38 percent) and from beyond the arc (4-for-19), committed several costly turnovers, and seemed unable to stay in front of their men...which lead to foul after foul after foul. Still, it wasn't all doom and gloom for the Jazz. Mehmet Okur had 21 points and 19 rebounds, Deron Williams almost had a triple-double (14 points, 9 rebounds, 9 assists) and Carlos Boozer had a double-double (15 points, 14 rebounds). They also crashed the offensive boards (25) and had six players in double figures.

So if Utah can just hit some outside shots, play better defense and keep Kobe off the line, they have a pretty good chance of competing in this series.

What's been going on with the Jazz and Lakers, respectively? It took Utah six games to knock off Houston, a streaky, rag-tag, injury-ridden team that everyone kind of wanted to play in round one. They even dropped one at home, where they're supposed to not lose, ever. The Lakers, they blew through Denver — the eighth seed no one wanted to play — like it wasn't worth noticing. Were the Nuggets remotely normal, they'd be melting down like the Mavs right about now.

While I want to be nice, and knowledgeable, and prove that I've watched Utah play a bunch, I chuckle. However, I do see two ways the Jazz could make a move in this series. Granted, these are unlikely, but they might be Utah's best shot.

Deron Williams and his unquenchable envy: Something the networks never touch, since it's creepy and vaguely psychotic, is Deron's CP3 complex. Recap: Williams was taken earlier in the '05 draft, even though he wasn't a real point guard at Illinois; Paul is shorter; Paul is far and away the point guard position's reigning genius. No disrespect to Williams, who should be an All-Star for the next five years, but sturdy, willful, and bullish aren't the same thing as skywriting with vodka and hand grenades.

Williams, however, has a major chip on his shoulder over all the love Paul gets. How do I know this? He's the only man in the league who can guard Paul; something darker than death and eternal suffering drives him in their games against New Orleans. And even if Paul is demonstrably better, there's still a way in which Williams, on the verge of becoming the consensus second-best point guard in the league, gets lost in the shuffle.

Right now, Paul's going up against the Spurs, the team who, while not favored, are staunch opponents. If the Hornets fare well, and Paul puts on a show, his myth will flare up like never before. And you know who'll be reading all the columns, up late with candles burning and a flask of firewater? Williams, that's who. He can't let the gulf between them get any wider. So that means that, as Paul excels, Williams will be doubly determined to assert himself. Oh, and don't forget, he's playing for a chance to meet the Hornets in the Conference Finals. Imagine what a point he could make there. You can't underestimate how much motivation this could provide D-Will.

Derek Fisher, traitor Fisher has been great for the Lakers. He's a poster child for calming veteran presence, on all sorts of levels. Fisher also is tight with Kobe, keeping him level and making him open up more around the rest of the team. In short, he's often the much-needed link between the MVP and reality. Oh, and he's a saint who likes taking care of his ailing young daughter.

That's not how the Jazz fans see it. They never really bought the whole "the hospitals are better in L.A., let me out of my contract" spiel. There are, after all, medical facilities in Salt Lake, even if they don't give you intravenous Pepsi when you're feeling blue. But it's not the Dark Ages out there, and really, we all know that Fisher just wanted to get back to Los Angeles . . . where he knew Kobe would come to terms with management, Andrew Bynum would come alive, and Pau Gasol would come to town for peanuts. It's all so clear to me, which is why I totally sympathize with the Energy Solutions crowds booing Fisher.

Who knows, maybe the team will get behind this grudge, too? Maybe some private dick can dredge up this (hypothetical) email:

TO: KB24@nike.com
FROM: D_Fish@jazz.com
DATE: 2006-07 Playoffs
SUBJECT: City of Angels

Fish.

I know, right? Total bulletin board material. Find that, or fabricate that, and this already physical team will get as mean as Sloan's rotten innards.

Otherwise, the Lakers could get another sweep.

The Pistons have officially "Hulked out." No, I'm not talking about Bill Bixby or even Jenny McCarthy. I'm referring to the old Hulk Hogan riff where he'd get beaten up badly enough to kill a full-grown moose but — right before losing his last hit point — immediately return to full health, shaking and flexing like somebody just stuffed his junk into an electrical outlet. Then he'd take two punches to the face without being fazed, block the third, deliver three punches of his own, fling his opponent to the ropes, kick them in the head, give them the atomic leg drop, and pin them. Worked every time...for 20 years.

Tell me that doesn't remind you of the Pistons. They always seem to get beaten up now and again during the regular season and playoffs but then start whoopin' on people again. Last night's whoopees were the Orlando Magic, who got choke-slammed into a 0-1 series hole thanks to a 91-73 decision.

Not much went right for Orlando. Dwight Howard had a "meh" game (12 points, 8 rebounds), Hedo Turkoglu fouled out, they couldn't find the range from beyond the arc (2-for-15) or the freethrow line (10-for-20), and Jameer Nelson (7 points, 3-for-8, 5 assists) and Maurice Evans (4 points, 2-for-3, 3 turnovers) got pwned by Chauncey Billups (19 points, 7 assists) and Rip Hamilton (17 points, 7-for-14).

Howard, who injured his thumb while going for a rebound in the third quarter, got pretty bummed out as the Pistons pulled away in the fourth quarter. "I don't think I even looked up at the scoreboard for a while. It's disappointing." Buck up, Dwight. It's still only one loss. Even if it feels like three.

Quote of the night: Referring to the physical and emotional elements of the game, Rasheed Wallace said, "You can't rattle us. We ain't no punks." (I'm not going to say anything about what a double negative means...)

Tyson Chandler > Shaq. Who knew? The Suns traded for The Big Cactus in order to shut down Tim Duncan, but Timmah still destroyed them. Then Tyson Chandler — yes, that Tyson Chandler — destroyed Timmah, for one game at least.

Chandler finished with 10 points, 15 rebounds and 3 blocked shots, and his defense — with a little help from his teammates — held Duncan to 5 points (1-for-9) and 3 rebounds. Ouchie. It should be no surprise, then, that the Hornets delivered a 101-82 piledriver to the Spurs.

Chandler, David West (30 points, 13-for-23, 9 rebounds), Chris Paul (17 points, 13 assists, 4 steals), and Peja Stojakovic (22 points, 9-for-15) were all inspired by a little pregame eye-candy from coach Byron Scott: The three championship rings he won with the Lakers during the 80s. Said Paul: "It sort of gives you goose bumps. We understand right now we're on that same journey and we feel like we can get there."

The Spurs are probably feeling some goose bumps, too, thanks to the bitterly cold shooting of Duncan and Kurt Thomas (1-for-4). Tony Parker scored 23 on 9-for-17 shooting, but he also committed a game-high 5 turnovers and smelled vaguely of French pastries. Manu Ginobili came off the San Antonio bench to contribute 19 points, 6 rebounds and 7 assists, but he and his team still came up several flops and Duncan faces short.

Aaaaand (wiping the sweat off my brow), my pick to win the finals win the finals is still intact.

That was a close one. The Pistons nearly sleepwalked their way through their third playoffs in a row, the 76ers played with more guts than anyone else has shown all season, and in this topsy-turvy sports world of the Giants beating the Patriots and the Colorado Rockies playing in a World Series, "anything" almost happened. But then the Pistons became the Pistons began and made millions of Detroit citizens want to strangle a lamppost, with frustrations of, "WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU GUYS ALWAYS PLAY LIKE THIS??"

An additional critical event occurred, though, which I must acknowledge. Flip Saunders actually made some adjustments — perhaps only inadvertently, but after ripping him in the past, I have to give the guy some credit. For one, after McDyess' schnoz got busted, Jason Maxiell was inserted into the starting lineup to great effect. They might as well leave him in there as it takes tremendous pressure of McDyess to be the presence in the middle that Ben Wallace represented a few years ago. Saunders also played the young guys Aaron Afflalo, Amir Johnson and Rodney Stuckey, and not only in the midst of blowouts.

I found that a surprising and nifty move given that (a) it goes completely against the Larry Brown ethos of relying on minimal rotations and playoff-tested vets (b) this postseason is teaching us that we are exiting the Shaq/Jason Kidd epoch into a new era of speed and youth (see Chris Paul, Josh Childress, Rajon Rondo, Josh Smith, Thaddeus Young, Brandon Bass, etc.). The Pistons will need youthful vigor to survive the road ahead.

So, yeah, maybe Saunders has learned a thing or two about coaching, but when it comes down to it, the Pistons are really only as good as their Brahma of Hamilton, Prince, Billups, and Sheed. And as ostensible Pistons insider, Chris Webber, stated last week on Inside the NBA, when it comes down to it, the Pistons ultimately do not follow in Flip's footsteps, but rather they take the character of team president Joe Dumars. Note the key term there: character. It's a vague all-encompassing term that has to do with mettle and respect and toughness, but whatever it means, it's what these playoffs are all about, and what they have been about since the dissolution of the Kobe/Shaq dynasty. For all the crap I talk about the Spurs, they are the ultimate character team, having won two of the last three titles simply off of integrity. When the Mavs went up 2-0 on the Heat two years ago, character prevailed and a scrappy Dwyane Wade floorburned his way to the championship. When Golden State beat Dallas in the first round last year, the Warriors had character oozing out of their pores.

And in the match-up of character, Orlando doesn't stand a chance to Detroit. Talent, now that's a whole different story. No doubt the Magic have in Dwight Howard the most talented player in the series, and probably a top 3 player of the remaining playoff teams (just behind Kobe and Chris Paul). This is not to mention that both Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu may be better pure scorers than anyone on the Detroit squad. However, there's something just a little too synthetic about the Magic's game. They seem like a bunch of guys who just fell off some alien tree; aside from Jameer Nelson I can't imagine any of them having played in college. They're too neon; I could never see them photographed in sepia tones. The Pistons on the other hand, are a team full of bearded, masked, future politicians — guys who play like they're mentally 65 years old.

So in the end, it's like comparing Brad Pitt to James Dean. Scientology to Taoism. Cheetos to Bavarian Pretzels. Converse to BAPEs. And so I'm rolling with what I know, which is Detroit, all earth and blood of them. The Magic will get their day once they add some depth and consistent PG play, but I think that Detroit in the first round received their scariest and last wake up call, and now they're ready to go. The theme of this playoffs has been windows. Windows are opening for the Hornets, Sixers and Hawks for future success. On the flip, windows are slamming shut for the Mavericks, the Nuggets, the Suns, and sheeeit, maybe even the Celtics. And when it comes to Detroit, this is the moment of truth. Either play hard, with no lapses toward coasting, or else fingers are getting smashed. Louis Williams already showed you his fangs. Julian Wright wants to taste bone marrow. And Joe Johnson, well he might as well be the Unabomber. This is a different era. As Shaq and Kidd become dust to dust, the young-uns are realizing that their time is now, so be wary Detroit; this is your last chance.

Speaking of mathematalogy, Zydrunas Ilgauskas used his mad number skillz to explain why Cleveland won the series. "We have LeBron on our team, and there are 30 other teams or 29 who don't. and that's the biggest difference."

As for LeBron, well, you could say that he got his revenge. The King's third career playoff triple-double (27 points, 13 rebounds, 13 assists) and combined with some aggressive defense on Caron Butler (18 points, 6-for-14, a game-high 4 turnovers) went a long way toward redressing his failures at the end of Game 5. And it also put an end to the endless stream of trash talk. Said LeBron: "Cleveland is advancing. We won the series 4-2. That speaks louder than me saying anything about the fans here, anything about DeShawn Stevenson. Cleveland is advancing. That's all that matters."

It wasn't all LeBron James, though, and that was the real reason the Cavs won going away. Wally Szczerbiak crawled out from under his playoff rock to hit six three-pointers and score a career playoff-high 26 points, and Boobie Gibson came off the bench to score 22 on 9-for-14 shooting. It just went to prove that when guys other than LeBron produce, the Cavaliers can be a scary team. Like, boogedy-boogedy scary.

And since LeBron got the last word in his personal duel against the Deshawn and the Wizards, he gets the last word here, too. "We had a lot of things go on besides basketball in this series, which was fun. But at the same time, we took care of business. Soulja Boy, DeShawn Stevenson, my big brother 'J,' myself, the crowd, 'overrated.' All that. It comes down to us winning a really gruesome series."

Zaza Pachulia: "We're going to Game 7! Woooooooooo!" Ric Flair would be proud. Anyway, the Hawks pulled off yet another improbably victory last night, beating the Celtics 103-100 to set up a decisive Game 7 in Boston. Total. Craziness. Like a bird-with-three-beaks crazy.

The Hawks did it with hard work, they did it with hustle, they did it with heart. And they did it with a little home cooking, too. And I'm not just talking about their 47-25 advantage in free throw attempts. Midway through the fourth quarter, the Hawks got an "And 1!" on a Josh Childress layup when Paul Pierce "fouled" Pachulia away from the ball. Now watch the play. Notice how Zaza puts his arm over Pierce's head and shoves him back? But we're supposed to believe that Pierce committed a foul after that. With all the physical play and jostling for position that there's been in this series? Seriously?

So Pierce fouled out of the game and got a technical on top of it, and that one sequence ended with the Hawks up seven. Still, Boston kept it close and had a shot to tie or win it in the final 15 seconds, but Ray Allen took an off-balance three-pointer that didn't come close. Joe Johnson grabbed the rebound and got fouled. He hit both foul shots. Kevin Garnett scored a quick hoop, then Bibby got fouled and hit one of two. The Celtics had a chance to tie it at the buzzer, but Rajon Rondo had to fire up a prayer, and God either wasn't listening or just laughed at it. Game over.

KG led the C's with 22, Ray Allen had 20, and Paul Pierce added 17. The Hawks got a balanced scoring attack from Marvin Williams (18), Mike Bibby (17), Al Horford (16), Joe Johnson (15), Josh Childress (15), and Josh Smith (11).

Game 7 is Sunday. You'd better be watching.

T-Mac needs a big hug. Tracy McGrady has become the NBA's most tragic figure since Dominique Wilkins. Dominique, you may remember, never won the big one and was accused of being a selfish gunner before being traded - during Atlanta's best season since he had arrived — to the Los Angeles Clippers for 26 games worth of Danny Manning. The Clippers...what a kick to the balls, huh? Dominique then signed with Boston where he failed miserably to resurrect Celtic Pride, went overseas to win a Euroleague club championship, came back to lead the San Antonio Spurs in scoring during their "Tank to get Tim Duncan" campaign, went overseas again, and then finished his career as a mop-up player for the Orlando Magic. The double-turd topping to that poop sundae was getting left off of the NBA's 50 Greatest Players list and then failing to become a first-ballot Hall of Famer.

But at least he made it to the second round of the playoffs.

McGrady did everything he could — 40 points, 13-for-26, 10 rebounds, 5 assists — but he was one of only two Rockets in double-figures, whereas the Jazz had seven of them. Houston simply lost to a better team, and that's hardly McGrady's fault. But damn, it sure looks as though he feels like it's his fault. Poor guy.

Mehmet Okur (19 points, 13 rebounds) and Carlos Boozer (15 points, 10 rebounds) both had double-doubles, but Deron Williams was The Man for the Jazz. His numbers were good — 25 points, 6 rebounds, 9 assists — but more important he put the finishing touches on a 20-5 third-quarter run with seven straight points and then hit back-to-back threes to give Utah an 18-point lead. The Jazz outscored the Rockets 27-11 in the third, and that was pretty much the game.

So T-Mac gets an early vacation and the Jazz get to play the Lakers. I'm not sure who got the better part of that deal.

The career Laker edged out New Orleans' Chris Paul and Boston's Kevin Garnett for the leagure's highest honor. LeBron James might have factored into the decision, but voters deemed his bitchy behavior as unbecoming of an MVP candidate. I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. I'm still a bit upset.

I hate to spoil it for all the readers in Houston watching on tape delay, but the Jazz will be the team facing Kobe's Lakers in the second round. The Rockets put up a good fight, but then they got the shit kicked out of it. Come to think of it, their fight left something to be desired. Let's try not to blame Tracy for this, he has enough on his plate.

Fucking Luis Scola, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!

Cleveland versus Washington: Game 6

LeBron James. He's been the target of the Wizards' arms, elbows, fists, knees, pinky fingers, big toes, and kitchen sinks all series long. And I'm pretty sure I saw Darius Songaila jam a shuriken into LeBron's meaty flank in Game 5. King James has taken so many hits, he's started talking in third person (said LeBron: "They want to hurt Lebron James in this series."). But he's a fierce competitor, not to mention one of the best basketball players in the universe. Think he's going to just forget Caron Butler's trash talk before he missed the shot that would have won Game 5? Me neither. He's going to rain fire in Game 6.

Everybody on the Cavs not named "LeBron." Are any of the King's men going to step up? Anybody? Hello...?


The Wizards' pie holes. Apparently, Washington co-captains Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison presented their team with a "shut the hell up" edict. Said Jamison: "We just said, 'It's time to stop all the talking.' A lot of guys were trying to defend themselves as far as this and that. But it wasn't working. We said: 'The ultimate changearound is for us to just be quiet and find a way to come back from 3-1 and win the series.' I think they finally got it." Awwww...that's boring. And about as natural to the Wizards as a "no breathing" rule.

Gilbert Arenas: He's out for the rest of the playoffs. But I'm sure you'll still get to see him on the bench, squirming and worrying about his sinking free agent value.

Eddie Jordan's verbal gymnastics. The Washington coach probably sprained his tongue while trying to explain Darius Songaila's post-foul sucker punch in Game 5. "I stand my ground. I thought he got tangled up with LeBron, and LeBron tried to get untangled. And in his method of trying to get untangled, Darius' arm just flew at his chin." In other news, toxic sludge is good for you! And it tastes great on a cracker!

Caron Butler. He won Game 5 with a layup and by getting into LeBron's head. Now it seems he's the Wizards' version of LeBron James. Said Zydrunas Ilgauskas: "We believe he can win this series for them - that's how dangerous he is." Wow. No kidding? Maybe we'll see some "Caron Rules" in Game 6.

Darius Songaila. Actually, never mind. He won't be there.

Boston versus Atlanta: Game 6

Road cookin'. The Celtics entered the playoffs as championship favorites. Losing two games to the Hawks has changed all that. Plucking the dirty birds in Atlanta and putting an end to this farce would sure help them get a little momentum back.

Kevin Garnett. Can you hear that? It's the "Maybe KG really can't win the big one" whispers. I know it's hard to hear over the "T-Mac's never gonna get out of the first round" screams. It would sure make Celtic fans and Garnett's defenders feel better if he imposed his will on this game, wouldn't it?

Al Horford. He's been playing out of his mind. And now he's got the Rookie of the Year snub to motivate him. Look out.

Paul Pierce. Rumor has it he's going to use a non-menacing hand gesture in Game 6 to apologize for his use of a menacing hand gesture in Game 3. And just in case you're worried about a West Side Story-style rumble, don't worry. Said Pierce: "I 100 percent do not in any way promote gang violence or anything close to it." I guess almost getting stabbed to death outside a bar will make you a non-fan of violence.

Joe Johnson. Regarding Game 6, Joe Cool said: "We're very confident." And why not? Joe practically beat Boston singlehandedly in Game 4. Then again, the Celtics put the clamps on him in Game 5. I'm betting he has a few bullets left in the chamber.

Mike Bibby. Am I the only one who's enjoying watching him suck? I can't be.

Houston versus Utah: Game 6

Home cookin'. The Jazz have lost only five games at home this season. Two of those losses were served up by the Rockets. What do they know that the rest of the league doesn't? What Yao Ming looks like naked, that's what. How has that been helping them? Best not to ask some questions.

Tracy McGrady. Following his career feels like a death watch.

The paint. The goal for the Jazz in Game 6: Few jumpers, more layups. As Andrei Kirilenko put it: "Let's get inside," Kirilenko said. "We've never been like such a great team from the 3. We've always been successful from the paint." True enough. And speaking of Andrei...

Andrei Kirilenko. He's just so...sugary. Not to mention a real pansy in a pillow fight.

Rafer Alston. Has anybody noticed how much better the Rockets are with Rafer? I have to admit, that kind of surprised me. He really is all growed up.

Jerry Sloan. He's got such a hardass reputation, yet he's been awfully calm all year. I keep hoping he's going to explode and make Kirilenko cry. Again.

Karl Malone. He rarely attends Jazz games, but it's be awesome if he was around for this one...huntin' little Mexican woman. And by "little" I mean "13 years old." Yikes.

Somehow, the Hornets/Mavericks series told us everything about Dallas, and nothing of NOLA's team. It hammered home the Mavs' reputation for fecklessness, prompted a clubhouse implosion and pushed Avery Johnson out the door.

Josh Howard's strange, strange week hung from the clouds like an omen, obscuring the series itself and drawing attention to the Mavs' more general malaise. That the team's most promising young player should so suddenly crumble on the court, embroil himself in a major controversy, and then set off Avery's climactic fit of fire and brimstone was, to say the least, a bummer. New Orleans won the series, Dallas burnt like Rome.

Herein lies one of basketball's most frustrating conventions: It's arbitrary, or maybe just utterly subjective, where one team's folly ends and the other's excellence begins.

Coming into round one, the Hornets' youth and inexperience were widely decried, ruled fit for the plucking by a team like the Mavs. But after this summary thrashing, no one has rushed to deem NOLA fit for duty, or once and for all revoked those old criteria for post-season advancement (Atlanta being such an insane case that they prove absolutely nothing). The convincing 4-1 victory by the Hornets didn't make them legit, it just made Dallas suckier.

Thanks heavens we've arrived at the series of no excuses.

There are many reasons to hate the Spurs, and anyone devoted to this negative ca