Anchor: Neil Everett
Context: Rockies outfielder Ryan Spilborghs hits a grand slam in the bottom of the 14th inning to give Colorado a 6-4 victory over the Giants.
Origin: Mahatma Gandhi was, of course, the renowned prophet of nonviolence and Indian independence who died by an assassin's bullet in 1948, whereupon, one correspondent wrote, "humanity wept." His given name was Mohandas, but he was known around the world by the honorific "Mahatma," which combines the Sanskrit words "maha" (great) and "atma" (soul). There is some dispute about who first bestowed the title, but it is said that in 1915, at a Jetpur city meeting, a supporter read aloud a commendation in which he addressed Gandhi as "Shriman Mahatma Mohandas Karmchand Gandhi" and then declared, "It is not an exaggeration to honor you with the title of 'Mahan Yogi,' it is based upon your self-knowledge of the Mahan soul." The surname, Gandhi, is an occupational name that means "perfume seller." The first syllable sounds like "gone," a word often used by SportsCenter anchors to characterize a home run, thus providing Everett with his pun. In its delivery, the phrase may recall Everett's "Bartender ... Jack," a sort of drunk uncle to "Mahatma ... Gandhi." In an e-mail, the anchor explains: "Gandhi was two kids from Kansas City emailing me one night...they liked 'bartender' and thought Gandhi would kill..."
Analysis: The call comes from a rich and rarely tapped vein of SportsCenter Dadaist phrasemaking, which, in another era, gave us "... with Port authority" and "... with Brad Daugherty," both of them riffs on the hugely clichéd "... with authority." The literal-minded may complain that the phrase cheapens the memory of a great leader, but they miss the irony here. This one floats above all the common Bermanisms, operating simultaneously as a reference and a rebuke to their soft-headed foolishness. "Mahatma ... Gandhi" is the reductio ad absurdum of catchphrases, and whenever it's spoken, it's a wink to the audience, as if Everett were informing us that the whole catchphrase pursuit had at last consumed all of its mass and collapsed in on itself, like a dying star. Humanity does not weep.
Humor (out of 5): 4
Aptness (out of 5): Technically zero, but the inaptness is its very point. This will be scored a 5.
Obscurity (out of 5): 3
Quality of referent (out of 5): 5
Total (out of 20): 17

Anchor: Neil Everett
Context: Florida Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez sends one deep to left off Tampa Bay's James Shields, his third home run in four games.
Origin: Unknown. "It's parody country-and-western guy talk," says Michael Preston, an English professor at the University of Colorado who studies vernacular culture. "You wouldn't expect to come across a woman saying this." In a 1976 paper, Preston's wife, Cathy, also an English professor at Colorado, grouped the phrase "hot as a fox" with similar folk comparisons: "drunk as a skunk," "eyes like a hawk," "busier than a beehive." Says Cathy now: "Since 'hot as a fox' carries kind of a sexual overtone rather than referring to heat or fire, it's possible that it might be a little bit later in date." Whenever it arrived on American tongues, the phrase soon was subjected to a number of comic elaborations, in much the same way that "cold as a witch's tit" would eventually become "cold as a witch's tit on the north side of an iceberg in Alaska," or "flat as a fried egg" would become "flat as two fried eggs nailed to a barn door." In this case, the elaborations were alliterative: from "hotter than a fox" to "hotter than a fox in a forest fire" to "hotter than a fresh-fucked fox in a forest fire" to "hotter than a fresh-fucked female French fox in a fuel-fed forest fire." The initial phrase, "hotter than a fox," is used much like a jazz musician might use an old standard like "Stardust." A sort of personal style is expressed through elaborate, improvised riffs on the original theme.
Analysis: Of the many options available to him, Everett chooses "hotter than a fox in a forest fire." How boring. Unembellished, the simile is mere cliché and lacks the sense of play and discovery that comes from spinning evermore fanciful variations out of a basic phrase. I don't expect Everett to bait the FCC with any "fresh-fucked" business, but a little wit and inventiveness is called for here. I'll defer to Cathy Preston. "When you do get the riffs on the phrase," she says, "then you've got someone who clearly likes verbal play. It's playful. It shows a spark of imagination on an individual's part. I like that."
Humor (out of 5): 0 1
Aptness (out of 5): 3
Obscurity (out of 5): 4 5
Quality of referent (out of 5): 3 5
Total (out of 20): 10 14

UPDATE: Everett has e-mailed us to clarify the reference:

Ronnie Van Zandt, former lead for Lynyrd Skynyrd, used to do shows in his barefeet so he could feel the heat on the stage…on one live album, he says, 'it's hotter than a fox in a forest fire"…that's where it came from…aloha, Neil Everett

Scoring has been adjusted accordingly.

Anchor: Neil Everett
Context: Willy Aybar of the Tampa Bay Rays hits a deep fly ball.
Origin: The phrase comes from the 1958 Johnny Otis hit, "Willie and the Hand Jive," a Bo Diddley-influenced song whose opening lyric is, "I know a cat named Way Out Willie." Otis, the son of Greek immigrants, has been called "the Godfather of Rhythm & Blues," though he was less a trailblazer than an artist who synthesized the styles and genres of his day. "Willie and the Hand Jive" was his only big hit, peaking at No. 9 on the pop charts. The hand jive became a brief dance craze and will be familiar to fans of the film Grease and the music of Sha Na Na.
Analysis: Everett deserves credit for the obscurity of his allusion, though in this particular instance, the phrase loses much of its heft when Aybar's fly ball is caught. Points should be docked, as well, because the line is inapplicable to virtually any situation that does not involve a baseball player named Willy.
Humor (out of 5): 1
Aptness (out of 5): 0
Obscurity (out of 5): 5
Quality of referent (out of 5): 4
Total (out of 20): 10

As I was watching ESPN for all hours this week, trying to get as much information about Terrell Owens as humanly possible, I struggled to construct some semblance of oddsmaking that would feel fresh, exciting and devoid of any references to Daniel Nicole Smith. Then it came to me: There's nothing more to say about this in any capacity. Until next week, of course, when South Philly's finest will do their best to give Mr. Owens a warm welcome, wish him the best of luck and express their concern for his well-being as only Broad Street's finest lovers of chip steak smothered in orange goop can.

As I began to pore over the ethical quandaries abound in joking about suicide, while simultaneously hoping for a glimpse of Suzy Kolber's beloved saddle, I became stricken with a sense of responsibility to a frothing readership fully expecting a thoroughly insensitive angle about this whole terrible mess. And I said "No. I won't do that." Then I began to take a real hard look at Trey Wingo and began to further examine how gay his name is. And then I focused on his ties and his manicured features, which seem overly effeminate even in terms of television-standards, and I came to the conclusion that, yes, this man has, at one point or another in his life, touched another man's testicles.

So, we'll save T.O for next week when it's more appropriate and we give him time to quell his demons.

Instead, I'm finally using this newly purchased Gaydar I bought from Radio Shack, putting on my ascot and placing odds on the first ESPN personality to finally charge out of the closet and reveal himself as the lover of man parts that he is.

Wingo with me, after this skip.

————————————————————————

Pedro Gomez: 2/1

This Taylor Hicks lookalike always has received a lot of facetime after the dreadful assignment of being attached to the hip of Barry Bonds. As we all know, his reporting on the subject has been, mmm, less than stellar so far. In fact, he's missed seemingly everything that's happened with Bonds — though that's his full-time job — as other reporters with less access gleefully pick through the bones. So, that begs the question: What could a man who spends that much time in San Francisco possibly be doing the whole time? That's right: Dudes.

Neil Everett: 3/1

All though he carries himself as a guy's guy and is the least grating of quip-heavy hosts, Everett's wire-rimmed Jewfrocity gives him an appearance that's part Willie Ames and part that dude from Sex and the City who knocked up the ugly chick. Plus, he worked in Hawaii for a long stint and was a Beta in college. And various unnamed sources reveal that Everett was voted "Most Likely To Be the Victim of a Vicious Rumor Involving a Gerbil Getting Lodged in a Tiny Orifice" by other staffers at their annual end of year gala starting...now.

Bob Ley: 4/1

Don't be fooled by the shlumpy facade — behind the weird junior high math teacher hair part and the tiny smile lie the heart of a man longing for dong. Ley's measured interview-style on OTL has all the makings of a man trying very hard to suppress the urge to take his pants off. And who can forget how excited he was to interview Billy Bean during that whole "Gays in Sports" piece a few years back?

Rece Davis: 4/1

Davis is one of the guys most guilty of overdoing his hetero-ness, but failing. Just because he's teamed with Linda Cohn does not mean he likes being close to vagina. Take Exhibit A: Davis' tired old "Not that there's anything wrong with that" joke that comes any time a Rudy Gay clip appears. You know what they say about guys who make those kind of ignorant assumptions about people based on trivial little characteristics.

Oh, wait...

Scott Van Pelt: 1/1

Even though some think he's too tall to be gay, Van Pelt has all the makings of a classic "Power Bottom:" The self-deprecation, his propensity to high-five at bars and, his utter cluelessness on how to appropriately pick up a skank from Dewey Beach. Don't be fooled by that notorious phone call — Van Pelt was actually trying to use that girl to get closer to her friend Steve, whom he found filled out his checklist even better than she did. The most important of which being that he did not have "Bell's Palsy" and "Likes to go swing dancing in the nude."

We haven't heard any official confirmation on this — these are often handled behind-the-scenes — so we can't say with 100 percent certainty that it's true. But our sources say the decision went down either yesterday or today, and he'll be off the air for a week. Our sources didn't know if it was with or without pay.

Again, we have nothing official on this. But if you happen to not see Neil on "SportsCenter" for the next seven days, you'll know why. We'll update if we hear confirmation or refutation.

It's OK, Neil: You're definitely still in our top 10 of anchors.

Neil Everett's Death Wish [Deadspin]
"You're With Me, Leather" T-Shirt [Gawker Shop]

(UPDATE: Neil Everett hosted the 1 a.m. ET "SportsCenter," so, you know, so much for that. Glad to see you're with us, Neil.)

We're not sure whether or not to think Neil Everett is:

a: Insane.
b: Suicidal.
c: A genius.
d: "Stupid. What are you, stupid? That is just stupid."
d: Just accidentally co-opting catchphrases he has no idea are going to get him yelled at.

But, save for a spare "me," giving him plausible deniability, it certainly does appear the anchor dropped everybody's favorite pickup line in last night's "SportsCenter." Somebody get him a T-shirt!

You realize, of course, that we are only a few steps away now from Chris Berman calling a Reds game and hollering "David 'You're With Me' Weathers." And if he did that, as one commenter pointed out, the world would explode.

You're With Leather [YouTube]
You're With Me, Leather T-Shirt [Gawker Shop]