That's not exactly contract-year hustle.

Moss playing ball...Another kind [Boston Globe]

Even though they haven't won a Super Bowl in five years, plenty of people have lined up in the last 24 hours to write the eulogy for the Belichick/Brady Era. It usually starts by mentioning the banners at Gillette Stadium, then leads to a discussion of the fear they once (and no longer) inspired in opponents, followed by a digression about the arrogance of Boston sports fans, before pointing out that the Pats have six first- and second-round draft picks in the next two seasons. It's a formula, but it works.

Here's a sampling of what folks had to say about The Defeat:

Disaster always had stayed foreign to these Patriots, some evil force that only other teams needed to worry about. They might not win. They never would collapse and embarrass themselves. They never would let five minutes unravel their entire season.

And then yesterday came, and the Baltimore Ravens swaggered into Gillette Stadium, and disaster struck. The Patriots allowed a touchdown on the first snap. Their crowd booed them. Tom Brady crumbled. In their first playoff game of the new decade, the Patriots may have lost the final bit of the dynastic mystique they created in the last one.

—Over and rout [Adam Kilgore, Boston Globe]

Whatever New England once was is gone. Whatever it once stood for has been desecrated. It's not that the Bill Belichick/Tom Brady Patriots can't ever rebound and become contenders again. They return great talent, have a number of young stars and a slew of draft picks in the upcoming NFL draft. It's just that if they are ever to be a feared team deserving the ultimate in respect, they'll have to re-earn it.

— Pats have to rebuild aura of invincibility [Dan Wetzel, Yahoo Sports]

The harsh truth is that it's temporarily over for New England fans and this news will be wildly applauded around the rest of the country.

— After Patriots blown out of playoffs, has Boston's title reign ended? [Dan Shaughnessy]

Someone asked me last week if I thought the Pats were "sleepers" in the playoffs. I thought they were, and I would never bet against a Brady-led team at home in the postseason. But what I saw yesterday showed me that this team - which isn't very young at some key skill positions - could be in trouble in the future. The Jets and the Dolphins, two young and very talented teams, are going to improve for the 2011 season. Buffalo will hire a new coach and install a new system, so maybe it's time to wonder if that AFC East dominance is over.

— Is the Patriots' run over? [Matt Bowen, National Football Post]

You don't see a team get thumped like this at home, falling behind 24-0 in the first quarter as the once-infallible Tom Brady makes one bad throw after another, and not come away thinking that it's all coming apart for Bill Belichick's near-perfect football organization. And so it goes in the cruel business of chasing championships. The Patriots have become yesterday's news and we're looking around to see who has the stuff to take their place.

— As Pats fade, it's up to Colts to take over [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Bryan Burwell]

"We didn't come to play," said Patriots nose tackle Vince Wilfork, who will be a free agent this off-season. "Never had a chance from the first play to the last play. They came in and they wanted it more than us. There's no film-watching now. Everything's over."

Maybe even more than he meant.

— Dominating Victory by the Ravens Shakes Up a Dynasty [Judy Battista, New York Times]

I'm not going to proclaim the dynasty is dead and start writing the obit. I'm not going to give into the sweeping overstatement, made for dramatic effect. As long as Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are still around, the New England Patriots should remain both relevant and relatively successful.

But it's not knee-jerk in the least to admit that these are not the same old Patriots. As the new decade opens, it's obvious that the NFL's team of the just-past decade is no longer the outfit that has inspired awe, admiration and a good bit of fear for most of the past 10 years.

— Pats a shadow of selves [Don Banks, SI]

Life moves too quickly in sports for that clean a resolution. Teams get better and attitudes change, while hunger, like talent and enthusiasm, waxes and wanes. These aren't chess pieces, after all. The fears all culminated in one place: The Patriots' run is over, having survived during the 2009 season on the fumes of memory and respect for past accomplishments. But when it came time to fight hard against a tough, fearless opponent, nostalgia could not save them.

— The New England Patriots' mystique was shattered [Howard Bryant, ESPN]

Put it all together, and it's hard not to reach the conclusion Sunday that the era of greatness, represented by those three blue banners, is likely over. Only four players on the 2009 roster own rings from all three Super Bowl victories (Brady, Kevin Faulk, Matt Light and Stephen Neal) and, come August, Brady and Light might be the last men standing.

But even if one championship era is ending, the seeds for future success remain in place. The Patriots have four picks in the first two rounds of the 2010 draft and have at least two more first-rounders in 2011.

— Patriots run ending [Jeff Goldberg, Fox Sports]

Kraft was having lunch last month at a restaurant in the Gillette Stadium complex, when an ambulance and fire engine responded to an emergency call. The Patriots owner's car was parked outside — in the fire lane. His driver refused to move the car, so firefighters called in Foxborough police, who wrote a ticket.

But if you think Bob Kraft is taking this lying down, you don't know Bob Kraft.

[Town Manager Andrew] Gala said Dan Murphy, the Patriots' vice president for business development and external affairs, subsequently called him and said Foxboro police had ticketed Robert Kraft's car.

O'Leary said Murphy also notified him of the ticketing incident. Murphy said in an interview that Kraft doesn't have a driver, adding that he never said Kraft's driver was ticketed or that he complained about the incident.

He said he had heard about the ticket and wanted to know what had happened.

Murphy said his approach to town officials was a casual inquiry, not a complaint.

Taking the "deny everything" approach, Murphy disputes that Kraft has a driver, or that he was even in the restaurant at the time. This shouldn't be hard to prove. Considering the team, I'm sure they have the incident on film.

Ticket hikes Kraft Group-town tension [The Sun Chronicle]

In advance of Sunday's playoff game, New England had a ton of snow to clear. So they contracted a Rhode Island firm, who sent up their best and brightest. Those workers were pulled over yesterday on their way to Foxborough by an Immigrations and Customs Enforcement team, looking for illegal immigrants.

Nine men from Guatemala were arrested and are facing deportation, and seven are still being held at Bristol County jail.

Another 49 people, most of whom are believed to be from Guatemala, were questioned and released on orders to report to ICE in the future to determine if they are here legally.

The first question that comes to mind here is obviously: how did they fit 65 people in the bed of one pickup truck?

Robert Kraft says this whole thing is news to him, and it's the responsibility of the outside vendor to vet its workers, instead of just rounding them up in a Home Depot parking lot. But come to think of it, that Tom Brady fella started the year in Costa Rica. Maybe the NFL should check out his papers.

Immigrants in Foxborough stop were headed to shovel snow for Patriots game [Boston Globe]

The Chiefs have just hired deposed Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis to be their new offensive coordinator, which may not be a completely terrible move. He may have been totally overmatched as a college head coach, but his pro offensive looked pretty snappy during the three Super Bowls he helped win earlier this decade. Weis was of course hired by his former boss in New England, Scott Pioli, whose first decision after he was hired to run the Chiefs was to snap up another New England castoff, QB Matt Cassel. (He never played for Weis, but I'm sure some of that prodigious aura rubbed off.) And now, almost immediately after the Weis' decision comes rumors that Pioli is looking to bring in the Patriots' former defensive coordinator Romeo Crennel, which will make Kansas City almost exactly like New England ten years ago, so you should all just go back to bed.

If you overlook the fact that Bill Belichick's former assistants are an almost universal failure anywhere outside of Massachusetts then these moves look pretty sweet. All they need now is for Charles Woodson to make someone fumble in the snow and we've got ourselves a Midwest football power.

Honorable Mention: The Chippewas of Central Michigan. Someone check America's temperature, because I think it's contracted LeFevour!

It wasn't my idea to go to the Giants' final regular season game in late December of 2007. Personally, I saw no upside: the Giants were locked, win or lose, into a #5 postseason slot, and numerous sports shouters were of the opinion that Tom Coughlin ought to rest ailing starters like Plaxico Burress in advance of the playoffs. I figured I'd be better off on the couch.

But a friend of mine — let's call him Bill, since that rhymes with his actual name — peer pressured me to seek out some tickets and did not hesitate for a second when I came back with a pair a tad outside our range. Why would he? Bill's team was the Patriots, and they were coming to the Meadowlands with a perfect season on the line.

The game was at 8:15 on a Saturday night. Bill was in a Wes Welker jersey, and I wore long underwear and a hoodie and a Shockey #80 that I had borrowed-slash-stolen from a friend. (It became obsolete, sniff, and he never asked for it back.) The parking lot of Giants Stadium was a festive if bizzaro affair, with the ratio of home fans to visitors noticeably out of whack.

The result of this crazy alchemy was everyone was just happy to be there. Giants fans in particular were about as laid back as we'd ever been, knowing that (barring injuries) nothing could really go wrong. Should the Patriots win, we'd see history made, and if the Giants could only…

Ha! Yeah right, like the Giants would win.

This was our attitude, or at least it was mine. So when Eli hit Plaxico for 52 yards on the very second play of the game, we reacted with dumb and spontaneous glee.

You know when young toddlers, confronted with candy or the sight of a real live dump truck, get excited beyond their vocabulary and just begin hopping and flapping their arms? That was us, and Brandon Jacobs hadn't even capped off the drive with a touchdown yet. I couldn't embrace Bill, so I bearhugged some strangers around me instead. I hugged them a lot that night.

The Giants were winning at halftime, 21-16, and Bill and I had depleted all of the contents of our flask. I was giddy, and he was zen.

With the Giants leading 28-23 early in the fourth quarter, Tom Brady hit Randy Moss with a 65-yard bomb that set new NFL touchdown pass records for both players and reminded us mere mortals of New England's omnipotence.

Eli would throw an interception on the next series. The Patriots would convert it into a touchdown. We were disappointed, sure, but also impressed. This was Tom Brady and the Patriots. What else did we expect?

The Giants never led again. But down 10 with under five minutes remaining, they did something almost as good: drove an authoritative 68 yards on 11 plays and picked up a touchdown with a minute to go. Against the Patriots, man, who fielded the onsides kick and became the first team to go 16-0.

It was unclear which fan base had more to celebrate. Bill had found some simpatico New England fans in the stands near us and they were busy high-fiving and hollering and basking in the glow.

But the Giants crowd was loopy and amped. The strangers and I shouted at each other in incredulous tones. Did you see how well they played? They almost beat the Pats! Since when does Eli scramble? Since when can Eli drive the field? That was the best they've played all year!

I was drunk enough on whiskey and high enough on life that I guess I scaled a barrier and hopped right onto a bus. I didn't know where Bill was, but I wasn't worried either. I sat down in the first seat and looked out the window over the snaking line of people that I had just cut. I had never left a stadium happier, and my team hadn't even won.

The Patriots beat the woeful Panthers yesterday, yet most of post-game interviews with the defeated Carolina players seemed to focus on what Moss didn't do to help his team win. He had one catch, which he immediately fumbled over to the other team. His half-hearted route running contributed to Tom Brady's lone interception. And Carolina's secondary confessed that they didn't expend a lot of energy trying to keep Moss under wraps.

We knew he was going to shut it down," Panthers cornerback Chris Gamble told me after the game. "That's what we wanted to do him. That's what we did. ... He'd just give up a lot ... Slow down, he's not going deep, not trying to run a route. You can tell, his body language."

[...]

"You get physical with him, and I don't want to say he quits, but he kind of doesn't run the routes the way they're supposed to be run," safety Chris Harris told me. "If you get a jam on him, he'll just ease up."

So Moss' (apparently deserved) reputation continues to follow him. Of course, that doesn't explain how the Panthers played the whole game on a power play and still managed to lose by 10 points. Despite this "disaster" of a year, the Patriots are still securely in first place and the playoffs are a whole new season. So why should Moss break his back on things like run blocking, holding on to the ball or running in a straight line, when it won't change the fact that he'll be playing in Indianapolis' cozy dome (or better yet, San Diego) this January.

He's supposed to bust his ass so he can spend a winter in Foxborough? No thanks.

Panthers say Moss 'shut it down' [Boston Globe]
Randy Moss chided for dogging it after subpar performance [Boston Herald]
Did Moss 'shut it down'? Panthers say he did [Shutdown Corner]
Panthers say Randy Moss gave up on Patriots; is it true? [USA Today]
The Rap on Randy Moss [NY Times]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big....

Brandon Marshall: See? 21 catches and his team still lost. Hey Brandon, Randy's on line one. [Denver Post]

Mark Ingram: No, it doesn't bother this Michigan State fan at all that the Heisman Trophy winner is from Flint, Michigan, and was recruited by Bobby "How Does This Guy Have A Job?" Williams. These are tears of joy for the young man! [Flint Journal]

Accenture: In its own way, dumping Tiger Woods was the best advertising campaign this company has ever launched. Now if we could just figure out what the hell they do. [LA Times]

DeSean Jackson: Last night's completely defense-free game had Jackson flying pretty high. Luckily, he has Andy Reid's girth to break his fall. [700 Level]

And the Weekend Loser? This guy. Look, everybody loves "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia," but wearing this costume to a sporting event is no longer clever.

At this point, you're basically the guy who dresses as Austin Powers for Halloween. In 2003. Give it a rest, people.

Thanks to a recently closed loophole which made indoor prostitution illegal, (sorry Rhode Island nature enthusiasts, outside prostitution is also a crime) Patriots mascot Robert Sormanti was caught in a hotel prostitution sting.

This just adds another dimension to what has been a strange year for the Patriots: they've had injuries, questionable coaching, a porous defense and an uneven performance from the Tom Brady. But here's the real mystery about the Patriots- what's with that guy in the Visa commercial pushing a wheelbarrow full of ribs?

Who is he? What is his story? Is he haunted by a past disaster transporting ribs? Did he try out other ways to get ribs from point A to point B, like a RadioFlyer or Conestoga wagon? I need answers!

Every time I bring this up to someone they just shrug and say something like "yeah, weird." Oh yeah, it is weird! There's a guy with a wheelbarrow full of not bricks, mortar or a drunken sailor, but ribs. That is strange you morons! to quote Cathy, "Ack!"

Check this screenshot from the NFL Shop- who's the crazy one now- NOT ME!

Patriots mascot among 14 arrested in RI sex sting [MyFoxBoston]

They didn't just do it with Drew Brees passing the ball wherever he wished (although he did do that) and they didn't just get some lucky bounces on defense (although they did get those) and they didn't do it because Bill Belichick secretly murdered his kickers. (Although he's still not afraid to go for it on 4th down.) The Saints sliced the Patriots up on offense and shut them down on defense. A couple of times they even made Tom Brady look like Drew Henson. This team is officially THE REAL DEAL.

In fact, looking at their schedule, I don't see where their first loss comes from. Does anyone other than Dallas even put up a fight? And do you have any doubt that Brees that can't pick that defense apart?

Best of all, any TV producers compiling file footage for their "How the Saints saved New Orleans" packages to be shown this January will not have done so in vain. Remember how awesome it was when people had to live in the Superdome for a week! Let's relieve that moment over and over and over again.

Dome housing a winner again [The Boston Globe]
Brees a godsend for Saints [San Diego Union-Tribune]
New Orleans Saints prove they are for real [NOLA.com]
Earlier: Saints Rebuild New Orleans For Fourth Consecutive Year

Honorable mention: Hackers who are exploiting your lust for all things Tiger Woods to install malware on your computers. Remember, kids—never visit any website that isn't Deadspin.com! (Seriously, don't do it. It's a scary world out there.) [Sophos]

Use this as your open thread, and be grateful that something of note is happening in the sports world that does not involve Tiger Woods or Grady Sizemore's strategically placed cup of Oolong.

Saints, Patriots trade praise before swapping hits [CBSSports.com]

* * * * *

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin.

A group of former New England players showed up to a Boston-area high school for a charity event for the local Police Benevolent Association. The idea was for them to play a team of police and students in a basketball game. The cops never showed. What we were left with is exactly what you'd expect when high schoolers take on former linebackers.

Rory Leland, a 17-year-old who played in the game, said that he overheard former linebacker Garin Veris threaten the team's teenage point guard after he was stripped of the ball. Moments later, Veris crashed into the same student during a defensive play, reportedly sending him sprawling on the floor, Leland said.

Veris declined to be interviewed on camera Sunday, but in a lengthy phone interview with NewsCenter 5's Kelley Tuthill, Veris acknowledged that the game took on a more physical and competitive nature than anyone anticipated. Veris, who played for the Patriots from 1985 to 1991 and has the third highest number of sacks in the team's history, said he was upset that the game had "elevated to that point."

[snip]

Several teens also criticized Matt Chatham's conduct at the game, saying that he aggressively fouled one student by grabbing his neck and throwing him to the ground.

This is what happens when you get a bunch of guys who never got to play under Belichick; lots of pent-up anger at being ignored by the city. I'm shocked the fans even knew who they were.

Regardless, police are listening to the complaints. Their investigation should be easy enough, as this was the Patriots after all. I'm sure they filmed the game.

UPDATE: They're sorry!

Parents: Former Pats Players Bully Teens At Charity Game [WCVB]
Former Patriot Says No Harm Meant In Charity Game [Globe]

It had nothing to do with guts or swagger or whatever Deion Sanders was talking about. This wasn't Pickett making for Cemetery Ridge. Nor was it "I'm-smarter-than-they-are hubris," as Peter King has it. This was a fourth-and-2 with a 60 percent shot at success and whose subsequent failure still left the Pats with roughly a coin flip's chance of winning. I'll let the smart people at Advanced NFL Stats explain:

With 2:00 left and the Colts with only one timeout, a successful conversion wins the game for all practical purposes. A 4th and 2 conversion would be successful 60% of the time. Historically, in a situation with 2:00 left and needing a TD to either win or tie, teams get the TD 53% of the time from that field position. The total WP for the 4th down conversion attempt would therefore be:

(0.60 * 1) + (0.40 * (1-0.53)) = 0.79 WP [win probability]

A punt from the 28 typically nets 38 yards, starting the Colts at their own 34. Teams historically get the TD 30% of the time in that situation. So the punt gives the Pats about a 0.70 WP.

Belichick's success as a coach owes a lot to his willingness to make this sort of call, and he has made it over and over, for the better part of a decade now. (For this, he was initially reckoned a genius until people realized that he treated everything in the same dispassionate and vaguely autistic way — be it a fourth-and-2 or a woozy veteran linebacker or a mildly intrusive cameraman.) That it didn't work yesterday at a crucial moment in a crucial game, right there on national television in front of god and Trent Dilfer, doesn't change the fact that it was the right thing to do.

Belichick's 4th Down Decision vs the Colts [Advanced NFL Stats]

[Thanks to readers JD and Michael, and Anonymous at 4chan]

The Patriots, being Bill Belichick's team through and through, have a strict dress code: hoodies or similar. Doesn't matter that they're being sent as the NFL's representatives to London for a game today. No need to look presentable.

Except for Tom Brady, who probably misses the 1960s, that golden age of air travel when men wore suits to fly, were allowed to smoke on planes, and received bee jays from stewardesses in first class.

By the way, if any UK residents stumble across this page whilst looking to find out just what's going on at Wembley, allow me to apologize on behalf of Americans for consistently sending you guys the shittiest game, year after year.

[Image courtesy of the Boston Globe]

•••••

It's Sunday. Football. Then baseball. Then we get on with our lives.

It wasn't that long ago that people (like me) were questioning this dude's sanity. He orchestrated an offseason that seemed like a training manual on how to meltdown a franchise. (He actually wanted Matt Cassel to be his quarterback!) Since then, all he's done is go out and win his first five games, including a dramatic come-from-behind victory over his old team. Denver fans are in love. Brandon Marshall is happy. Kyle Orton is alive! How did he do it?

It took some luck and a good schedule, but they are making big plays when big plays are needed—kind of like the Patriots always used to do. (So are we all agreed that the Patriots are no longer THE PATRIOTS? People are not afraid of the Belichick/Brady Monster anymore and it's not because of that trick knee.) It's clear that unlike many of Bill Belichick's proteges, Josh was actually paying attention when he worked there.

Denver is undefeated a third of the way through the season and if they beat San Diego next week they can probably start printing playoff tickets. It's looking very possible that this guy knows what he's doing.

With Win Over Patriots, Josh McDaniels No Longer Just Bill Belichick's Understudy [NESN]
‘Boy Wonder' Josh McDaniels savors biggest victory yet [Boston Herald]
Orton emerges as calm, victorious leader [ESPN]
Lack of postgame handshake was planned by Bill Belichick, Josh McDaniels [USA Today]
McDaniels' Mile High Moment [BroncoTalk]
Gratuitous fist pumps aside, it's time to trust Josh McDaniels [West Word]
Is Anyone Afraid of the Broncos? [NY Times]
[Image via Sports Hernia]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

The Angels: They figured out how to put away the Red Sox, which is nice and all, but now they've got to figure out how to put away the Yankees. How about a Rally Gorilla?

Miles Austin: 10 catches, 250 yards, and two very big touchdowns late in the game for Dallas. So what if it was against Kansas City? They still used 11 players on defense. (At least I think so. Who knows what's going on down there?) [Star-Telegram]

Tim Tebow: His defense completely won this game, but don't think for a second that this isn't going down as "The Concussion Game" in the Good Book of Tebow Lore. Adversity, overcome!

Cedric Benson & Carson Palmer: I'm not going to say Mike Zimmer won the weekend, since his wife died on Thursday, but he got the game ball after an emotional victory. Benson was the first RB to get 100 on the Ravens in 40 games and Palmer may finally be back to where he was before that knee injury almost destroyed the franchise. Plus, a bonehead penalty by Ray Lewis helped keep the winning drive alive, so that was nice too. [Cincinnati Enquirer]

Owen Schmitt: Vaults on to the list of the NFL craziest/dumbest players by making himself bleed his own blood with his own helmet. He should get that head checked out. [ClubSeats/NoJoshin']

Alex Rodriguez: .455 AVG, 2 HR, 6 RBI in a rout of the Twins. Still not a true Yankee?

This series will run on MONDAYS this year. Again, consult the initial post if you'd like to help us out with this.

ONE:

The following isn't your typical FAILgate story. It doesn't involve cops, fights, trips to the drunk tank, or wang exposure to the innocent (at least that we were aware of). It's a story about a man and his hair-color-matching vest.

It was February 2006, about a dozen friends and I had descended upon the parking lots of Lambeau Field for a truly epic sporting event. Our beloved Wisconsin Badger hockey team was taking on the Ohio State Buckeyes in the first ever hockey game at Lambeau. We knew that a certain level of intoxication must be achieved to watch outdoor hockey in Green Bay that time of year, so we arrived early for the afternoon puck-drop.

The tailgating scene was fantastic, and we quickly made friends with the other reasonably sized groups of Badger fans nearby. And then an hour or two into it, we saw him. He was wandering around our area, completely shit-canned, and he was dressed in layers, topped off by a vest that remarkably was the exact same color as his hair. At the time, that aspect for some reason was hysterical to most of us. Thinking he was with one of the other groups, we asked around only to discover nobody really knew who he was. Could it be? Had destiny placed him in our midst?

Not caring enough to know his actual name, he immediately adopted the nickname Vest (did I mention his vest was the same color as his hair?). And Vest meant fucking business as he decided to impress us with his beer slamming abilities. We formed a circle around Vest, started a slow clap, and began to chant…

"Vest!...Vest!...Vest!..."

He ripped through that first PBR and triumphantly hurled the can one aisle over into a group of unsuspecting tailgaters, much to our delight. We suspect Vest might not have been drinking the entire can, as it doesn't seem there's any way one could throw an empty beer can that far. But I also didn't think a person could so perfectly match a vest to the color of his own hair.

Thinking he had done the job, Vest attempted to exit the circle. But we wanted more. The circle tightened as others gathered in, and someone tossed him another beer.

"Vest!...Vest!...Vest!..."

A group of probably 30 of us at this point were cheering on Vest as he continued to pound and hurl his somewhat empty beer cans with everything he had, miraculously not drawing the attention of cops who were patrolling the lot. This scene repeated itself for probably 5 total beers until Vest, clearly overcome by the enormity of his accomplishment, yacked all over the ground and himself.

Presumably using the motto "to be the best, you gotta beat the best," a friend of ours challenged Vest to a series of Franzia-bongs. Because if you're going to consume Franzia, it had better at least be through a beer bong. The challenge was also issued through a sumo pose of sorts…..I remember it making perfect sense at the time.

After the two successfully completed a few Franzia-bongs, Vest was gone just like that. Off to where, who knew? Well, we didn't know at the time, but now have an idea. After the weekend when I uploaded my pictures, I noticed something about Vest that a lot of us somehow had missed while we were in his presence; Vest was wearing a press pass, as you can see in the previous picture. Had we been blinded by the vest? Possibly. Either way, this leads one to believe that Vest had left our tailgate to head into the stadium with soaked clothes while reeking of PBR, Doritos, and stomach acid, and drunk off his ass to perform a job, one which he possibly had to interact with other people. Vest was clearly not about to let a job get in the way of a good tailgate, and for that he deserves the utmost respect.

The legend of Vest has lived on amongst our group of friends, as we frequently reminisce that glorious day. Roughly a year later, we heard a story about a writer for a Badger sports website who showed up at a Badger road football game to cover the game and ended up getting kicked out of the press box because he was wasted, argumentative with other reporters, and passed out during the 2nd quarter. Could this have been Vest? Who knows...maybe that's just how he rolls? Frankly I'm not sure I even want to know. I'm perfectly content remembering him as the mystery man who inspired dozens that frigid afternoon with his grit, his determination, and his exuberance. And also his vest.

TWO:

USC doesn't typically start games at seven fifteen (7:15) Pacific time. It's just disrespectful. We don't go later than five p.m. EVER. Today was an exception, so when the tailgate occurred (which typically starts at one (double parentheses 1) or two (double parentheses again, 2) and went until kickoff, I felt like the end of the first quarter was halftime. This guy, however, felt like he got hit by a Taylor Mays full of vodka. Take a gander:

There's even a finger pointing at his epic failgateness. There's a puddle of drool/alcohol spilling from his body. But this only culminated his day of alcohol consumption:

Mr. Blackout not only spent his morning/afternoon pounding hard A, but found a cozy spot next to Tommy Trojan to nap the game away. What occured right before the passout was the epic part of this tory. Fulfilling his role as THE incoherent drunk, yet entertaining, fellow, we decided to bribe him 50 bucks to go and seduce the best milf next our spot. He obliged with out hesitation and found this disgusting cougar from washington. But instead of using his mouth to spit game or lick her, as promised, he used her as a kickstand for three seconds before vomiting right down her top.

As she sprinted down Trousdale to the nearest bathroom, he was showered with chants of "PUSSY," (why this has to do with vomiting on a chick's cleavage, I have no idea) followed by his stumbling onto the nearest steps across from Tommy Trojan, falling into a drunken slumber and subsequent drooling.

Nobody ponied up the Grant bill, and the USC Department of Public Safety escorted him to his residence on frat row. He's now a legend, just like Matt Barkley but with a slightly less positive connotation.

THREE:

In October 2001, I was leaving Foxboro Stadium after a New England Patriots game had ended, and thousands of fans were pouring out of the stadium and onto the street. For those of you on the interwebs not familiar with the Foxboro, Massachusetts area, after games local police rope off the sidewalks and force people to cross the street at certain spots. At least they did at the time. Now that it is Gillette Stadium/Patriot Place they may have ramps constructed over the road...

But one particularly drunk fan was determined to meander where he felt like it – ropes be damned. Approximately 35-years-old, he was clearly stumbling with his shirt completely unbuttoned to offer a better view of his happy trail-covered beer gut. My memory may be wrong on this, but in my head he will forever look like Zack Galifianakis from "The Hangover".

Without any friends to help him (my guess is they abandoned him) a horse–mounted police officer approached the man and asked him to go back under the rope and onto the sidewalk. The man refused, of course, and kept walking in the street. The officer followed him and once again ordered him to get back behind the ropes.

At this point, the man turned around and had a very natural reaction any well-balanced, sober person would have: he reeled back and cowboy punched the horse in the face. Punched. A horse. In the face.

The horse, to put it mildly, freaked the fuck out. The cop half fell off, half jumped off the horse while trying to grab the drunk at the same time. He managed to tear the man's shirt off as he fell, and the horse-puncher wiggled free and bolted down the street. But he didn't make it far.

Maybe it was the post-9/11 feelings about police. Maybe everybody assumed this guy was not a Pats fan. Or maybe people just seem to freaking love horses (see: Barbaro). But the fans definitely stepped up in a true act of…Patriotism? Heroism? Hilariousism? First, an older, bearded gentleman (think Gorton's Fisherman) ducked the ropes and basically dove in front of the man to trip him. As the man went flying to the ground, three or four equally drunk men tackled him. While the cop and a couple of bystanders wrangled the horse and calmed it down, these men held the now shirtless man down with a knee to the back and repeatedly bashed/smooshed his face and chest into the pavement. Not hard enough to kill him, just enough to say "hey guy, what in the sweet Jesus god is wrong with you that you would punch a horse."

The cop finally came over and arrested him, and the other fans, some would argue heroes, disappeared back to the crowd. My only hope is that the guy was charged with assaulting a police officer.

FOUR:

I was completing my final semester of college at Western Illinois in the fall of 2006, a school that has a good party rep. I was working on a live remote for the campus radio station during a tailgate before a Leatherneck game one fall morning, which consisted of handing out cups and other station swag to buzzed/drunk college kids. A truck had pulled up next to our spot and the guys and gals were having a merry ol' time with alcohol and our swag.

Also occurring on this day, the local Boy Scout troop was walking around the tailgate to promote fire safety or something like that. After a couple hours into the tailgate, one of the youngsters walked by our area, and one of the guys in the truck thrust a can of beer in front of the Boy Scout, urging him to chug it.

The Boy Scout (assuming that he was around 12 years old) proudly took the can and started chugging it. Unfortunately, he was chugging it right in front of a cop. The Boy Scout was dragged away, the tailgaters in the truck were subdued, and had to leave the party.

It was one of the funniest moments I had tailgating that year.

Attention tailgaters. It's a long season so please help us with this project and send along any and all shady stories, ridiculous videos, and photos from your tailgating experiences from this season. Or last season. Or 1952. Just make it funny/sad/gross/shocking. Email to tips@deadspin.com. Subject: FAILgate

The Jets talked a lot of smack last week and for the first time in 40 years they backed it up. (OMG, MARK SANCHEZ IS JOE NAMATH! Only not as "handsy.") They owe it all to a robocall from Ryan to Jets season ticket holders, reminding them that when you are at a sporting event it is acceptable—nay, even encouraged!—to voice your support for your favorite team through a series of "yells" and "cheers." No one had ever tried that before against Tom Brady and the Patriots and, shockingly, it worked! Genius! Enjoy your game ball, Faceless Horde!

Seriously though, Ryan said he wasn't going to kiss Bill Belichick's rings and now Bill Belichick can kiss his ass. At least until November when they meet again in New England. But you're the man for at least a few days, Rex. Even if your team might be stupidly messing around in that whole 49ers/Michael Crabtree debacle. Hey, what's football without a little tampering?.

Ryan praises role of loud crowd in Jets' victory [Newsday]
Rex Ryan's Jets back up all the talk, beat Tom Brady and Patriots, 16-9 [NYDN]
Jets' bombast bordering on the ridiculous [Dan Shaughnessy]
Patriot Pratfall: The View From New England [NY Times]
[Photo via Daily News]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Lane Kiffin: Tennessee did not get embarrassed by Tebow and The Swine Flu this weekend. So that's like a victory, right? Florida is a terrible Best Team Ever! [Orlando Sentinel/USA Today/SI]

Ray Lewis: HEY, DREW DEEP BALLS! WOULD A GLORY HOUND RUN THROUGH A PUNCTURE-WOUND SIZED HOLE IN THE SAN DIEGO FRONT AND WIN THE GAME BY HIMSELF? (But also win it for the team! But also for himself!) NOW YOU SHALL WATCH ME DO MY DANCE! [Baltimore Sun]

Frank Gore: Barry Sanders was the last guy to have two 79-plus-yard runs in the same game. That was the season he ran for 2,000 yards. The Lions later got bounced from the playoffs and Sanders retired a year later. What I'm trying to say is that Matt Millen should be the GM of the 49ers. [SF Chronicle]

Milton Bradley: America's surliest baseball player finally got his wish—he doesn't have to play for the Cubs anymore. [Chicago Tribune]

Charlie Weis: As long as Mark Dantonio has a job, Charlie Weis is going to be okay. [Lansing State Journal]

The fact that their team had Tom Brady and mighty Patriots against a wall and literally fumbled the game away in the final two minutes? Whatever! It happens, right? Sure, kick returner Leodis McKelvin probably could have taken a knee or even gone down after that first hit and then maybe he wouldn't have handed Tom Brady the rope by which could he could hang his entire team. I mean, it's only Week One, right? GAH! WHAT THE HELL, BUFFALO?

Is McKelvin sorry about what happened? You bet your ass he isn't.

"If I ever had another chance, I would probably do the same thing," he said. "Next time I get the opportunity I am going to hold on and make a better decision. If it happens next week, I am going to do it again, and you never know what will happen. I may break two and have the best game of my career. I am very disappointed. You don't need to have turnovers at the end of the game."

No. No, you don't need that at all.

McKelvin: I'd do 'same thing' [Buffalo News]
Bungling Bills blow big lead [London Free Press]
Pilgrims' Progress (Where the Buffalo Fumble) [Metroville]
An Open Letter to Leodis McKelvin [Jurisprudential Misadventures]
Leodis McKelvin Shines in Pats Win [Dirty Wudders]
T.O. a No-Show in Bills Debut [Fanhouse]