They didn't just do it with Drew Brees passing the ball wherever he wished (although he did do that) and they didn't just get some lucky bounces on defense (although they did get those) and they didn't do it because Bill Belichick secretly murdered his kickers. (Although he's still not afraid to go for it on 4th down.) The Saints sliced the Patriots up on offense and shut them down on defense. A couple of times they even made Tom Brady look like Drew Henson. This team is officially THE REAL DEAL.

In fact, looking at their schedule, I don't see where their first loss comes from. Does anyone other than Dallas even put up a fight? And do you have any doubt that Brees that can't pick that defense apart?

Best of all, any TV producers compiling file footage for their "How the Saints saved New Orleans" packages to be shown this January will not have done so in vain. Remember how awesome it was when people had to live in the Superdome for a week! Let's relieve that moment over and over and over again.

Dome housing a winner again [The Boston Globe]
Brees a godsend for Saints [San Diego Union-Tribune]
New Orleans Saints prove they are for real [NOLA.com]
Earlier: Saints Rebuild New Orleans For Fourth Consecutive Year

Honorable mention: Hackers who are exploiting your lust for all things Tiger Woods to install malware on your computers. Remember, kids—never visit any website that isn't Deadspin.com! (Seriously, don't do it. It's a scary world out there.) [Sophos]

Use this as your open thread, and be grateful that something of note is happening in the sports world that does not involve Tiger Woods or Grady Sizemore's strategically placed cup of Oolong.

Saints, Patriots trade praise before swapping hits [CBSSports.com]

* * * * *

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin.

A group of former New England players showed up to a Boston-area high school for a charity event for the local Police Benevolent Association. The idea was for them to play a team of police and students in a basketball game. The cops never showed. What we were left with is exactly what you'd expect when high schoolers take on former linebackers.

Rory Leland, a 17-year-old who played in the game, said that he overheard former linebacker Garin Veris threaten the team's teenage point guard after he was stripped of the ball. Moments later, Veris crashed into the same student during a defensive play, reportedly sending him sprawling on the floor, Leland said.

Veris declined to be interviewed on camera Sunday, but in a lengthy phone interview with NewsCenter 5's Kelley Tuthill, Veris acknowledged that the game took on a more physical and competitive nature than anyone anticipated. Veris, who played for the Patriots from 1985 to 1991 and has the third highest number of sacks in the team's history, said he was upset that the game had "elevated to that point."

[snip]

Several teens also criticized Matt Chatham's conduct at the game, saying that he aggressively fouled one student by grabbing his neck and throwing him to the ground.

This is what happens when you get a bunch of guys who never got to play under Belichick; lots of pent-up anger at being ignored by the city. I'm shocked the fans even knew who they were.

Regardless, police are listening to the complaints. Their investigation should be easy enough, as this was the Patriots after all. I'm sure they filmed the game.

UPDATE: They're sorry!

Parents: Former Pats Players Bully Teens At Charity Game [WCVB]
Former Patriot Says No Harm Meant In Charity Game [Globe]

It had nothing to do with guts or swagger or whatever Deion Sanders was talking about. This wasn't Pickett making for Cemetery Ridge. Nor was it "I'm-smarter-than-they-are hubris," as Peter King has it. This was a fourth-and-2 with a 60 percent shot at success and whose subsequent failure still left the Pats with roughly a coin flip's chance of winning. I'll let the smart people at Advanced NFL Stats explain:

With 2:00 left and the Colts with only one timeout, a successful conversion wins the game for all practical purposes. A 4th and 2 conversion would be successful 60% of the time. Historically, in a situation with 2:00 left and needing a TD to either win or tie, teams get the TD 53% of the time from that field position. The total WP for the 4th down conversion attempt would therefore be:

(0.60 * 1) + (0.40 * (1-0.53)) = 0.79 WP [win probability]

A punt from the 28 typically nets 38 yards, starting the Colts at their own 34. Teams historically get the TD 30% of the time in that situation. So the punt gives the Pats about a 0.70 WP.

Belichick's success as a coach owes a lot to his willingness to make this sort of call, and he has made it over and over, for the better part of a decade now. (For this, he was initially reckoned a genius until people realized that he treated everything in the same dispassionate and vaguely autistic way — be it a fourth-and-2 or a woozy veteran linebacker or a mildly intrusive cameraman.) That it didn't work yesterday at a crucial moment in a crucial game, right there on national television in front of god and Trent Dilfer, doesn't change the fact that it was the right thing to do.

Belichick's 4th Down Decision vs the Colts [Advanced NFL Stats]

[Thanks to readers JD and Michael, and Anonymous at 4chan]

The Patriots, being Bill Belichick's team through and through, have a strict dress code: hoodies or similar. Doesn't matter that they're being sent as the NFL's representatives to London for a game today. No need to look presentable.

Except for Tom Brady, who probably misses the 1960s, that golden age of air travel when men wore suits to fly, were allowed to smoke on planes, and received bee jays from stewardesses in first class.

By the way, if any UK residents stumble across this page whilst looking to find out just what's going on at Wembley, allow me to apologize on behalf of Americans for consistently sending you guys the shittiest game, year after year.

[Image courtesy of the Boston Globe]

•••••

It's Sunday. Football. Then baseball. Then we get on with our lives.

It wasn't that long ago that people (like me) were questioning this dude's sanity. He orchestrated an offseason that seemed like a training manual on how to meltdown a franchise. (He actually wanted Matt Cassel to be his quarterback!) Since then, all he's done is go out and win his first five games, including a dramatic come-from-behind victory over his old team. Denver fans are in love. Brandon Marshall is happy. Kyle Orton is alive! How did he do it?

It took some luck and a good schedule, but they are making big plays when big plays are needed—kind of like the Patriots always used to do. (So are we all agreed that the Patriots are no longer THE PATRIOTS? People are not afraid of the Belichick/Brady Monster anymore and it's not because of that trick knee.) It's clear that unlike many of Bill Belichick's proteges, Josh was actually paying attention when he worked there.

Denver is undefeated a third of the way through the season and if they beat San Diego next week they can probably start printing playoff tickets. It's looking very possible that this guy knows what he's doing.

With Win Over Patriots, Josh McDaniels No Longer Just Bill Belichick's Understudy [NESN]
‘Boy Wonder' Josh McDaniels savors biggest victory yet [Boston Herald]
Orton emerges as calm, victorious leader [ESPN]
Lack of postgame handshake was planned by Bill Belichick, Josh McDaniels [USA Today]
McDaniels' Mile High Moment [BroncoTalk]
Gratuitous fist pumps aside, it's time to trust Josh McDaniels [West Word]
Is Anyone Afraid of the Broncos? [NY Times]
[Image via Sports Hernia]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

The Angels: They figured out how to put away the Red Sox, which is nice and all, but now they've got to figure out how to put away the Yankees. How about a Rally Gorilla?

Miles Austin: 10 catches, 250 yards, and two very big touchdowns late in the game for Dallas. So what if it was against Kansas City? They still used 11 players on defense. (At least I think so. Who knows what's going on down there?) [Star-Telegram]

Tim Tebow: His defense completely won this game, but don't think for a second that this isn't going down as "The Concussion Game" in the Good Book of Tebow Lore. Adversity, overcome!

Cedric Benson & Carson Palmer: I'm not going to say Mike Zimmer won the weekend, since his wife died on Thursday, but he got the game ball after an emotional victory. Benson was the first RB to get 100 on the Ravens in 40 games and Palmer may finally be back to where he was before that knee injury almost destroyed the franchise. Plus, a bonehead penalty by Ray Lewis helped keep the winning drive alive, so that was nice too. [Cincinnati Enquirer]

Owen Schmitt: Vaults on to the list of the NFL craziest/dumbest players by making himself bleed his own blood with his own helmet. He should get that head checked out. [ClubSeats/NoJoshin']

Alex Rodriguez: .455 AVG, 2 HR, 6 RBI in a rout of the Twins. Still not a true Yankee?

This series will run on MONDAYS this year. Again, consult the initial post if you'd like to help us out with this.

ONE:

The following isn't your typical FAILgate story. It doesn't involve cops, fights, trips to the drunk tank, or wang exposure to the innocent (at least that we were aware of). It's a story about a man and his hair-color-matching vest.

It was February 2006, about a dozen friends and I had descended upon the parking lots of Lambeau Field for a truly epic sporting event. Our beloved Wisconsin Badger hockey team was taking on the Ohio State Buckeyes in the first ever hockey game at Lambeau. We knew that a certain level of intoxication must be achieved to watch outdoor hockey in Green Bay that time of year, so we arrived early for the afternoon puck-drop.

The tailgating scene was fantastic, and we quickly made friends with the other reasonably sized groups of Badger fans nearby. And then an hour or two into it, we saw him. He was wandering around our area, completely shit-canned, and he was dressed in layers, topped off by a vest that remarkably was the exact same color as his hair. At the time, that aspect for some reason was hysterical to most of us. Thinking he was with one of the other groups, we asked around only to discover nobody really knew who he was. Could it be? Had destiny placed him in our midst?

Not caring enough to know his actual name, he immediately adopted the nickname Vest (did I mention his vest was the same color as his hair?). And Vest meant fucking business as he decided to impress us with his beer slamming abilities. We formed a circle around Vest, started a slow clap, and began to chant…

"Vest!...Vest!...Vest!..."

He ripped through that first PBR and triumphantly hurled the can one aisle over into a group of unsuspecting tailgaters, much to our delight. We suspect Vest might not have been drinking the entire can, as it doesn't seem there's any way one could throw an empty beer can that far. But I also didn't think a person could so perfectly match a vest to the color of his own hair.

Thinking he had done the job, Vest attempted to exit the circle. But we wanted more. The circle tightened as others gathered in, and someone tossed him another beer.

"Vest!...Vest!...Vest!..."

A group of probably 30 of us at this point were cheering on Vest as he continued to pound and hurl his somewhat empty beer cans with everything he had, miraculously not drawing the attention of cops who were patrolling the lot. This scene repeated itself for probably 5 total beers until Vest, clearly overcome by the enormity of his accomplishment, yacked all over the ground and himself.

Presumably using the motto "to be the best, you gotta beat the best," a friend of ours challenged Vest to a series of Franzia-bongs. Because if you're going to consume Franzia, it had better at least be through a beer bong. The challenge was also issued through a sumo pose of sorts…..I remember it making perfect sense at the time.

After the two successfully completed a few Franzia-bongs, Vest was gone just like that. Off to where, who knew? Well, we didn't know at the time, but now have an idea. After the weekend when I uploaded my pictures, I noticed something about Vest that a lot of us somehow had missed while we were in his presence; Vest was wearing a press pass, as you can see in the previous picture. Had we been blinded by the vest? Possibly. Either way, this leads one to believe that Vest had left our tailgate to head into the stadium with soaked clothes while reeking of PBR, Doritos, and stomach acid, and drunk off his ass to perform a job, one which he possibly had to interact with other people. Vest was clearly not about to let a job get in the way of a good tailgate, and for that he deserves the utmost respect.

The legend of Vest has lived on amongst our group of friends, as we frequently reminisce that glorious day. Roughly a year later, we heard a story about a writer for a Badger sports website who showed up at a Badger road football game to cover the game and ended up getting kicked out of the press box because he was wasted, argumentative with other reporters, and passed out during the 2nd quarter. Could this have been Vest? Who knows...maybe that's just how he rolls? Frankly I'm not sure I even want to know. I'm perfectly content remembering him as the mystery man who inspired dozens that frigid afternoon with his grit, his determination, and his exuberance. And also his vest.

TWO:

USC doesn't typically start games at seven fifteen (7:15) Pacific time. It's just disrespectful. We don't go later than five p.m. EVER. Today was an exception, so when the tailgate occurred (which typically starts at one (double parentheses 1) or two (double parentheses again, 2) and went until kickoff, I felt like the end of the first quarter was halftime. This guy, however, felt like he got hit by a Taylor Mays full of vodka. Take a gander:

There's even a finger pointing at his epic failgateness. There's a puddle of drool/alcohol spilling from his body. But this only culminated his day of alcohol consumption:

Mr. Blackout not only spent his morning/afternoon pounding hard A, but found a cozy spot next to Tommy Trojan to nap the game away. What occured right before the passout was the epic part of this tory. Fulfilling his role as THE incoherent drunk, yet entertaining, fellow, we decided to bribe him 50 bucks to go and seduce the best milf next our spot. He obliged with out hesitation and found this disgusting cougar from washington. But instead of using his mouth to spit game or lick her, as promised, he used her as a kickstand for three seconds before vomiting right down her top.

As she sprinted down Trousdale to the nearest bathroom, he was showered with chants of "PUSSY," (why this has to do with vomiting on a chick's cleavage, I have no idea) followed by his stumbling onto the nearest steps across from Tommy Trojan, falling into a drunken slumber and subsequent drooling.

Nobody ponied up the Grant bill, and the USC Department of Public Safety escorted him to his residence on frat row. He's now a legend, just like Matt Barkley but with a slightly less positive connotation.

THREE:

In October 2001, I was leaving Foxboro Stadium after a New England Patriots game had ended, and thousands of fans were pouring out of the stadium and onto the street. For those of you on the interwebs not familiar with the Foxboro, Massachusetts area, after games local police rope off the sidewalks and force people to cross the street at certain spots. At least they did at the time. Now that it is Gillette Stadium/Patriot Place they may have ramps constructed over the road...

But one particularly drunk fan was determined to meander where he felt like it – ropes be damned. Approximately 35-years-old, he was clearly stumbling with his shirt completely unbuttoned to offer a better view of his happy trail-covered beer gut. My memory may be wrong on this, but in my head he will forever look like Zack Galifianakis from "The Hangover".

Without any friends to help him (my guess is they abandoned him) a horse–mounted police officer approached the man and asked him to go back under the rope and onto the sidewalk. The man refused, of course, and kept walking in the street. The officer followed him and once again ordered him to get back behind the ropes.

At this point, the man turned around and had a very natural reaction any well-balanced, sober person would have: he reeled back and cowboy punched the horse in the face. Punched. A horse. In the face.

The horse, to put it mildly, freaked the fuck out. The cop half fell off, half jumped off the horse while trying to grab the drunk at the same time. He managed to tear the man's shirt off as he fell, and the horse-puncher wiggled free and bolted down the street. But he didn't make it far.

Maybe it was the post-9/11 feelings about police. Maybe everybody assumed this guy was not a Pats fan. Or maybe people just seem to freaking love horses (see: Barbaro). But the fans definitely stepped up in a true act of…Patriotism? Heroism? Hilariousism? First, an older, bearded gentleman (think Gorton's Fisherman) ducked the ropes and basically dove in front of the man to trip him. As the man went flying to the ground, three or four equally drunk men tackled him. While the cop and a couple of bystanders wrangled the horse and calmed it down, these men held the now shirtless man down with a knee to the back and repeatedly bashed/smooshed his face and chest into the pavement. Not hard enough to kill him, just enough to say "hey guy, what in the sweet Jesus god is wrong with you that you would punch a horse."

The cop finally came over and arrested him, and the other fans, some would argue heroes, disappeared back to the crowd. My only hope is that the guy was charged with assaulting a police officer.

FOUR:

I was completing my final semester of college at Western Illinois in the fall of 2006, a school that has a good party rep. I was working on a live remote for the campus radio station during a tailgate before a Leatherneck game one fall morning, which consisted of handing out cups and other station swag to buzzed/drunk college kids. A truck had pulled up next to our spot and the guys and gals were having a merry ol' time with alcohol and our swag.

Also occurring on this day, the local Boy Scout troop was walking around the tailgate to promote fire safety or something like that. After a couple hours into the tailgate, one of the youngsters walked by our area, and one of the guys in the truck thrust a can of beer in front of the Boy Scout, urging him to chug it.

The Boy Scout (assuming that he was around 12 years old) proudly took the can and started chugging it. Unfortunately, he was chugging it right in front of a cop. The Boy Scout was dragged away, the tailgaters in the truck were subdued, and had to leave the party.

It was one of the funniest moments I had tailgating that year.

Attention tailgaters. It's a long season so please help us with this project and send along any and all shady stories, ridiculous videos, and photos from your tailgating experiences from this season. Or last season. Or 1952. Just make it funny/sad/gross/shocking. Email to tips@deadspin.com. Subject: FAILgate

The Jets talked a lot of smack last week and for the first time in 40 years they backed it up. (OMG, MARK SANCHEZ IS JOE NAMATH! Only not as "handsy.") They owe it all to a robocall from Ryan to Jets season ticket holders, reminding them that when you are at a sporting event it is acceptable—nay, even encouraged!—to voice your support for your favorite team through a series of "yells" and "cheers." No one had ever tried that before against Tom Brady and the Patriots and, shockingly, it worked! Genius! Enjoy your game ball, Faceless Horde!

Seriously though, Ryan said he wasn't going to kiss Bill Belichick's rings and now Bill Belichick can kiss his ass. At least until November when they meet again in New England. But you're the man for at least a few days, Rex. Even if your team might be stupidly messing around in that whole 49ers/Michael Crabtree debacle. Hey, what's football without a little tampering?.

Ryan praises role of loud crowd in Jets' victory [Newsday]
Rex Ryan's Jets back up all the talk, beat Tom Brady and Patriots, 16-9 [NYDN]
Jets' bombast bordering on the ridiculous [Dan Shaughnessy]
Patriot Pratfall: The View From New England [NY Times]
[Photo via Daily News]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Lane Kiffin: Tennessee did not get embarrassed by Tebow and The Swine Flu this weekend. So that's like a victory, right? Florida is a terrible Best Team Ever! [Orlando Sentinel/USA Today/SI]

Ray Lewis: HEY, DREW DEEP BALLS! WOULD A GLORY HOUND RUN THROUGH A PUNCTURE-WOUND SIZED HOLE IN THE SAN DIEGO FRONT AND WIN THE GAME BY HIMSELF? (But also win it for the team! But also for himself!) NOW YOU SHALL WATCH ME DO MY DANCE! [Baltimore Sun]

Frank Gore: Barry Sanders was the last guy to have two 79-plus-yard runs in the same game. That was the season he ran for 2,000 yards. The Lions later got bounced from the playoffs and Sanders retired a year later. What I'm trying to say is that Matt Millen should be the GM of the 49ers. [SF Chronicle]

Milton Bradley: America's surliest baseball player finally got his wish—he doesn't have to play for the Cubs anymore. [Chicago Tribune]

Charlie Weis: As long as Mark Dantonio has a job, Charlie Weis is going to be okay. [Lansing State Journal]

The fact that their team had Tom Brady and mighty Patriots against a wall and literally fumbled the game away in the final two minutes? Whatever! It happens, right? Sure, kick returner Leodis McKelvin probably could have taken a knee or even gone down after that first hit and then maybe he wouldn't have handed Tom Brady the rope by which could he could hang his entire team. I mean, it's only Week One, right? GAH! WHAT THE HELL, BUFFALO?

Is McKelvin sorry about what happened? You bet your ass he isn't.

"If I ever had another chance, I would probably do the same thing," he said. "Next time I get the opportunity I am going to hold on and make a better decision. If it happens next week, I am going to do it again, and you never know what will happen. I may break two and have the best game of my career. I am very disappointed. You don't need to have turnovers at the end of the game."

No. No, you don't need that at all.

McKelvin: I'd do 'same thing' [Buffalo News]
Bungling Bills blow big lead [London Free Press]
Pilgrims' Progress (Where the Buffalo Fumble) [Metroville]
An Open Letter to Leodis McKelvin [Jurisprudential Misadventures]
Leodis McKelvin Shines in Pats Win [Dirty Wudders]
T.O. a No-Show in Bills Debut [Fanhouse]

Thomas Edward Brady Jr. will play his first real football game in twelve months, which means this season—unlike 2008's unholy abomination—will actually count. The prophecies have spoken of the "offense that will not huddle" and how the father of a handsome child shall smite that enemy with accurate mid-range passing. Joy unto the world for all days! It's almost like I had forgotten how to breathe and he is the giant asthma inhaler that will clear the bronchial tubes of my soul. Yes. I believe that metaphor works.

Then after after that—Chargers at Raiders! I predict that Tuesday Morning's America will have had such a good night's sleep, the health care crisis will be solved before lunch.

Knee injury behind him, Tom Brady determined to return Patriots to glory [Boston Herald]
Brady finally confirms Bundchen's pregnancy [SF Gate]

* * * * *

The world is yours, readers, so open thread your brains out below. Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin and the greater Boston area. Some one still loves you.

(door flies open)

Tommy: FACK YOU! FACK YOU! FACK YOU! You think I'm going to let you fackin' faggots tay-uh down PATRIOT NATION?! It's just like a bunch of whiny, Jawhnny-come-latelies to try and mawck the special connection this team has with its fans! YOU PEOPLE AHHH LOSAHHHS!

I gawt a fackin' idea. Here-ah ahhh five reasons you should switch to bein' a fackin' Pats fan! SACK AWN THAT!

1. Becawse that's what you facks want to do anyway! Face it. YOU PEOPLE AHHH JEALOUS OF OW-UH SUCCESS! You always have been! You just wish your-ah team was this well coached, and that your-ah quahtahback knawked up actresses like THE LEGENDARY TAWMMY BRADY HAS! That's hawt! I jerk awff to it! Who gawnna jerk awff to Tony Romo sticking his tiny cawk in Jessica's cakehole? NO ONE, THAT'S WHO!

And secretly, you've always wanted to live in Bawston. That's right! You faggots in Californiah have always wondahed what it would be like to live in a REAL town, with REAL fans! We love ow-uh teams more-ah than you love your-ahs! We gamble more-ah! Ow-uh memories ahh more-ah precious than your-ahs! Jarge fackin' Will writes books about the Sawx. He's never written jack shit about yar dooshbag Farty Ninahs! We ahh the hahht and soul of America! NO ONE DENIES THIS! We love ow-uh city! We have pride!

/hits pothole

WHEN IS THAT DAHKIE GOVERNAH OF OW-UHS GAWNNA FIX THIS ROAD?! I FACKIN HATE THIS STATE!

2. We have TWO Welkahs now! Think you can game plan far the scrappy tenacity of Welkahh?! WELL NOW WE HAVE A SECOND ONE, AND HE'S A FACKIN' JEWBAG! Listen to ow-uh fans bawnd with this very special young man, Julian Edelman…

I've just felt since the minute we got him that he was going to be special. The guy looked like a vet out there tonight. I've called him a lock for the 53 for about a week. I'm really, really looking forward to seeing him in the regular season. Oh and by the way he didn't just play QB and receiver, but he was also used as a running back and a corner too. He is Troy's replacement and he might even be better than him.

White playahs ahhh more-ah versatile! We know they-ah ahhh special, because they ahhh nawt dahkies!

3. We have the hahhhdest towns in the warld! You think yar fackin' tough? Well, try growin' up on the mean streets of New England, facko! It's nawt awl nice cawttages! We have, bahhh none, the lahhgest collection of crack-ravaged cities in America! Woostah! Bridgepart! Lowell! Bangahhh! Lawrence! New Haven! Lewiston! Hahhhtfard! THAT MAKES US TOUGHAH THAN YOU!

4. How can you nawt love Pat Patriot?! He was the best mascawt evah! He was dressed like a Patriot, and he was hiking a football! That's tradition! FACK YOU! How can you nawt love this team?

5. Let's look at all yar faggot emails! Who's this cawksackah? Stewy?

The Patriots are scumbags

GO FACK YAR MOTHAH!!

Besides the whole SpyGate controversy, the Pats have a whole bunch of other dirty laundry that no one likes to address. How about Harrison's suspension for using PED's? He got suspended and gave us the usual bullshit story about "never taking nothing."

Rawdney Harrison played hahhhdah than any playah evah! I should have him break yar tibiah far that!

Nick Kaczur got busted for buying prescription drugs. Not only that, but he then turned on his dealer and ratted him out to the Feds. The guys a druggie and a sellout!

But he's nawt a dahhhkie! We all make mistakes! Like the time I hit that dahkie with a Dunkin' travel mug!

Who's next? Tom R.?

The Pats suck for a fucking shitload of reasons

You fackin' sack far a shitload of reasons! Yar dad sacks black cawk! Who's next? Adam R.?

I fucking hate Bill Belichick. I hate his stupid fucking child molester haircut. I hate his stupid fucking sweatshirt that probably smells like a yeast-infected taint.

THEN YOU HATE FOOTBALL!

I hate him and his fucking infidelity and the Long Island trash he fucked to establish infidelity. But none of this seething hatred comes from any sort of envy of the New England Patriots organization. While, yes, I do hope Robert Kraft loses all of his money in Ponzi scheme and ends up sucking off truckers for loose change in the bathroom of a highway rest stop, this is beside the point. I fucking hate Bill fucking Belichick because of the way he resigned from the New York Jets back in 2000 - my team.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that the Jets (minus 1 year of their existence) have exhibited retardery at its finest - a band of losers hell bent on doing dumber and weirder shit than what happens in Charlie Kaufmann's wildest fever dreams. But Belichick's ambush? Not cool. Who - besides, I assume, Pat Summerall - resigns on a cocktail napkin? It was humiliating. And cowardly, might I add. Maybe even a little gay. I was seething. If I had access to a hatchet and a penchant for violence, I would have gone down there that day and scalped the stoic fuck right in the middle of his conference with the media. But nooo, I'm too much of a pussy, so instead I stared at the TV in disbelief, and then drank myself into an alcoholic coma.

So fuck Bill Belichick - I hope he drops dead on his birthday while assembling a bicycle for one of his illegitimate kids.

Any fanbase that starts a chant about how much a rival team in a different SPORT sucks, deserves to be sterile and made to live on an island where they are forced to battle to the death for survival using only night sticks and tazers. Case in point - New England Patriots fans. Listening to these unhygienic, shaved-head-retards in Foxboro Stadium chant "Yankees Suck" during a Pats-Dolphins game in December is not only painfully pitiful, but it also makes me want to simultaneously discharge two .44 automatics three inches away from my ears. Go buttfuck your Teddy Ballgame cut-out, you inferiority-complex-hicks.

I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHO HAS THE INFERIARITY CAWMPLEX HERE-AH! Typical New Yark faggot! And the Yankees DO SACK! Who's next? Pam H?

I am from Louisiana and live in Boston, and I fucking hate the Patriots.

Serves you right, you Cajun vampiah whore-ah!!!!

Just because they have enjoyed some success this decade does not excuse the lumpy disasters that are their fans. The men are, in general, hideously obese, and have no qualms about wearing jerseys to non-sporting related activities. And women in Boston are generally scraping the bottom of the barrel, but the lady Pats fans are the dregs of society. They shoehorn themselves into pink Tom Brady jerseys that are at least two sizes too small, and any time they open their mouths to speak in their North-or-South Shore accents, it becomes clear that they know dick about football and are only interested in Brady's looks. Newsflash: he's out of your league! Go home and tend to your cats/miscreant spawn.

You can't talk that way about my garlfriend! Only I get to do that!

The older fans are a bunch of assholes who think these Super Bowls are part of their severance package from the Red Sox losing for so long. The younger fans are spoiled shits because they've never had real pain in sports and all they know is winning. Guess what, 10 years ago you were almost the Hartford Patriots. Tom Brady will retire, Belichick will leave, and less than 10 years from now you'll be losing again. Suck on that.

The reality is that 90% of the people at the game are only there cause they couldn't get Sox tickets. I don't think they're even paying attention. Get off your feet and get excited. It's not like you're watching the Lions dick around on the turf for 60 minutes, it's the fucking Pats. You never lose.

Oh wait, 17-1. too soon?

IT WAS 18-1! AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT WAS THE BEST TEAM IN NFL HISTORY! THEY JUST HAPPENED TO LOSE THAT GAME! FACK YOU AWL!

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. We've got the Bills, Fins, Chargers, Chiefs, and the AFC North to go.

Normally, when people send us images like this and say "Ha ha, isn't that funny?", my usual reaction tends to be that it says more about the person who sent it than the person who created it. It's like a Rorschach test that confirms that you're a simple-minded perv. But this one? Yep ... that's a penis all right.

Randy Cross is the artist who penned this telestrator wang and I'm not saying that his high school notebooks were filled with dong drawings, but sometimes the subconscious knows more than we'd like to let on. Or else he just wants to take a virtual whizz all over the city of Foxborough. Either way.

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Finally Friday. Dig deep and sprint to the finish.

I'd say there's a 98% chance Tom Brady has never even heard the name "Dennis Paiva." He's an aging former convict, who scavenges garbage for a living and inadvertently stole two metal flower planters from Brady's trash pile. He sold them for $450 dollars, even though they were worth more than $8,000 and they weren't actually thrown in the trash. He plead guilty to larceny and was ordered to pay $4,000 in restitution, which he naturally didn't have, so he was panhandling on the street to raise the money, because Tom Brady is a dick.

So it became a big scandal that a multi-millionaire athlete would turn out a destitute old man—and probably throw footballs at his head while the pathetic codger begs for loose change in the street. However, I'd say there's an even better chance that Tom Brady is not even aware that he's the owner of $8,000 stainless steel flower pots (does he look like the gardening type?) or that Dan Greenwald, owner of a Burlington ad agency, just wrote him a check to clear up the matter.

Tom Brady makes babies with supermodels. He will not be consumed by your trifles.

Stranger pays man's debt to Tom Brady [My Fox Boston]
Earlier: Tom Brady Has No Pity For Panhandling Fools [Deadspin]

Here's the story, as explained by Dennis Paiva, the object of every other Boston beggar's envy:

"I saw these two stainless steel metal containers behind a garage next to the trash," Paiva said. "Scrap metal was really high at the time so I grabbed them and put them in my truck."

Paiva took the planters to a scrapyard in Everett, collected $450 and was feeling pretty good about life. Right up until he got a call from a Boston police detective.

"The guy mentions I took some flower pots," Paiva recalled. "I said,‘I don't know what you're talking about.' He said, ‘We got you on the security camera.' And I said, ‘Yeah, I took them, but they were out with the trash.' He said, ‘You gotta get them back. You don't even want to know who they belong to!' "

Well, when Paiva heard who owned his "scrap metal," he rushed back to the yard but, of course, the planters were history. He went back to police and told them the sad tale and was promptly cited for larceny.

"I said, ‘You're kidding me, they were in the trash!' " Paiva said.

Now, because of a trip to the hospital that prevented him from finding real work, Paiva is scouring the streets for the $333.33 he owes monthly to Brady, the guy who makes about $30 million a year and owns $4,000 flower planters. A Patriots spokesman said "he doubts Brady is aware of Paiva's situation." It must be Gisele's fault.

Buddy, can you spare a dime for Tom Brady? [Boston Herald]
Brady owed by man who stole flower planters [AP]