In the end, after declaring the season the fourth-greatest achievement in team history, they elected to have a private ceremony to commemorate it last Monday at Gillette Stadium. Owner Robert Kraft and team president Jonathan Kraft presented the players with rings.

In addition, a banner was made to commemorate the season, and it was unveiled at the ceremony, with Kraft pulling a rope as it came down from the ceiling.

I get it; it's tough to decide how to commemorate a near-perfect season. But make a fucking decision. Was it a perfect regular season? Or was it a Conference championship? Because it's not a perfect season. Losing the Super Bowl to Baby Manning and a tackified helmet is not a perfect season. One loss is not a perfect season. A perfect season is Megan Fox. One loss is America Ferrera. You are America Fucking Ferrera, and don't ever forget it.

Where's Mercury Morris when you need him?

Patriots Presented '18-1' Rings [Truth&Rumors]
It's 16, Going On 17 - Or 18 [The Boston Globe]

In case you forgot, Welker went to the Patriots in time for the 2007 season for draft picks from Miami. And PFP was quite critical of New England's newest acquisition:

Here's an important lesson to learn: Sometimes, players can be useful, but not worth devoting real resources to. Welker's a helpful player, [but] who does he remind you of? Right, Troy Brown, the player he's replacing on the Patriots. [They] have something else in common: The former was an eighth-round pick, the latter undrafted. That's because their skill set isn't a difficult one to find. Projected stats: 51 catches, 684 yards, 5 TDs

Ouch! Let me check with the Argentine judge there...yeah, that's a burn.

Welker responded the way that most white people do, with a little pouting and a lot of productivity. He caught 112 balls which led the fucking league, scored 8 TDs (15th best in the league) and accounted for 1175 passing yards (11th best). How many times did Troy Brown crack the 1,000-yard mark in a season? One fucking time (2001), and he wasn't playing next to Randy Moss, either.

But having said that, I still recommend the 2008 edition. They're almost always on target, though they still need to work on their "deceptive speed" variable.

In a perfect world, the hat would be sitting on Tom Brady's mantle and the woman holding the hat in an impoverished and remote village in Central America would still have her teeth. But there is perfect and there is near perfect, and the slightest difference explains how I came to be standing in a puddle of mud, carefully balancing a 75-pound purple backpack on my shoulders in San Gregorio, Nicaragua, urging my new best friend Hannibal to assure the toothless woman that we were serious about giving her actual money for this hat.

Spoiler alert: Those not wishing to learn the outcome of the journey before reading the actual article, do not read further.

The woman couldn't believe we were willing to pay money for these things. We gave her $5, a sizable amount in the area, and handed Hannibal an equal finder's fee before sprinting down the road as the bus began to gain speed out of town. The driver slowed to let us on.

On the bus, I studied the "19-0 Perfect Season" hat and pointed out to Ilan the line etched into the red and blue Velcro strap: "WE WANTED IT MORE." Not as much as we did.

And let's not forget that it's not only T-shirts and hats that are going to places like Nicaragua and Romania, but sweatshirts as well. In impoverished areas where many people can't afford warm clothing, that's a good thing. I also hear that France is stocking up on the Patriots T-shirts for the next time they need surrender flags.

Oh, The Humanity! [The Boston Globe]

From Casale's personal site on Pregame.com, a gambling site where he's now employed:

Hold on for this one: I heard from someone who is close to the case that there is a sex tape of Bill Belichick banging the married woman he had an affair with. I shit you not. The husband who is suing that woman for being unfaithful to him has a tape of his wife and Belichick screwing while the two of them were still married. Belichick is a very powerful man so I imagine he's doing everything in his power to squash this from getting out but it could only be a matter of time. A part of me doesn't want to see it but another part of me can't help but be intrigued.

Here's my theory: Matt Walsh sent Arlen Specter the sex tape by mistake, and somewhere a housewife is watching a St. Louis Rams practice walkthrough.

But Casale isn't through. Other excerpts:

Tedy Bruschi is just an unlikable person in general and I think his teammates know what's what and get sick of his act. He created an image that he presents to the public but his teammates know better.

A list of assholes would be Bruschi, Dillon, Willie McGinest, Pierre Woods, Mike Vrabel, Dan Koppen and Stephen Gostkowski. Yes, the kicker. Bruschi is by far the biggest and that seems to be a universal opinion. Sorry but it's true.

Corey Dillon is about the most miserable piece of shit you would ever want to encounter. There is no doubt in my mind that he will end up in jail at some point. You don't have to be a good guy to be a star in the NFL and no one is a better example of that than Dillon.

Wow. Even Scott McClellan is shaking his head sadly. But as always, it's the message board that provides the greatest entertainment here.

This is, indeed, Tom Casale. I worked with him for 2 years and he was universally disliked around the office. We all wondered from the very start what Fred saw in him and why he was given such a long rope after his indiscretions online. The patsfans ordeal was surreal. He used multiple aliases to, among other things, denigrate his colleagues that he worked closest with. Btw, I have alot more bullets in the gun. I haven't even mentioned the events surrounding his dismissal. It's very embarrassing. You can probably imagine when you consider how much they put up with him prior to firing him. — posted by PFW Insider on 07/30/2008 1:10 PM

My Last Day As A New England Patriot [Pregame.com]

Not content with the awesomest tattoo ever, Victor Thompson will now sell off other places on his body to the highest bidder. He's even set up his own website, tattmetoo.com . For the low price of $200 per square inch, you can make it happen.

So you mean anything? Yep, according to The Laconia Citizen,"Thompson said he isn't going to use discretion no matter what business approaches him as long as it is a paying customer."

Should we start passing around the collection plate? This is going to end very well.

Body for Sale: Sort of: Man offers himself as a tattoo billboard [Citizen.com]
Tattmetoo.com [Victor Thompson's personal site]
Supermodels not included [Deadspin]

A few members of the New England Patriots got crazy karaoke-style for Larryoke, a charity event organized by Pats' special teams captain Larry Izzo. Those in attendance were blown away by Wes Welker's belly button rendition of "MacArthur Park". That thing's got some pipes.

Some other highlights include a near-shirtless Kelly Washington grinding on a woman's thigh and Mike Vrabel giving some quality jazz hands. Had he shown those early in his career, he might have been able to earn a roster spot with the Steelers. All the meshugas can be viewed on this handy Flickr photo stream.

Where's coach Belichick? You're telling me he can't mumble through a take on Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats." So much for rehabbing that image, Cheatsy McChesturecheat.

UPDATE: Here's video courtesy of those big greasy gay mafia dons at Kissing Suzy Kolber:

Kaczur — a 28-year-old, 315-pound offensive tackle — wore a hidden recording device during three different drug transactions in May at gas stations in Foxborough and North Attleborough and a supermarket parking lot in Sharon, according to the lawyer, the two people, and federal court documents. At each of the three transactions, Kaczur paid $3,900 in cash to buy 100 OxyContin pills, a potent prescription pain reliever.

Federal agents arrested the alleged dealer, Daniel Ekasala, moments after the third transaction with Kaczur, said Ekasala's lawyer. He was indicted by a federal grand jury yesterday on three counts of possession of oxycodone (the main ingredient in the prescription drug OxyContin) with intent to distribute. He is due to be arraigned today in federal court.

I wonder if any of the recordings discovered by police contained any audio loops of the Jets cheerleaders.

Patriot arrested, then aids drug sting [Boston Globe]

What is a cubicle drone stifling an uncomfortable engorgement to do when the search for "Patriots 18-year-old Cheerleader" proves futile? Well, you can start by scouring the photos of her high school team and then try to find similar, identifying body parts.

This could take a while. First person to identify Rebecca Lucas wins an autographed copy of Chicken Soup For The Golfer's Soul and, of course, the purifying shame that comes out of such a scuzzbuckety endeavor.

*Thanks to the anonymous Deadspin reader who sent in this photo of young Becca Lucas. You are doing God's dirty work.

** And, of course, the well-oiled men at With Leather have come up with the requisite bikini photo. A sticky film crawls across the internet as this story unfolds....

Bareley Legal NE Patriot Cheerleader Makes Team [Busted Coverage]

After last Friday's onslaught of negativity and calls for his head, it was apparent to the editors of the Herald that the reporter's online stories were just going to be forums for bile-spewing Tomase bashers for a long, long time. Even the most harmless of posts, like yesterday's "Supporting The Green", which talked about Pats' players at the Celtics' game, was mercifully turned off.

From now on, those still fuming over the story will need to type their invective and John Popper comparisons to his Herald email address, many of which will most likely be quickly deleted once the subject line suggests an overwhelmingly negative and cruel approach.

Tomase does have one supporter, in Red Sox fanatic and author Seth Mnookin, who carefully breaks down the reporting sequence to, in some way, defuse some of the hatred for his friend.

It'll be interesting to see how long this Tomase-bashing actually lasts. I get the sense that it'll be a very, very long time before most Herald readers and Patriots' zealots ever let him off the hook.

In Defense of John Tomase [SethMnookin]
Pats' Beat Writer Attempts To Keep Fans From Yelling At Him The Rest Of His Life [Deadspin]

In what has to be one of the lengthiest mea culpas in journalism history, Tomase painstakingly revisits his process in putting the story together and then comes to the forgone conclusion that his main source had essentially pulled the story from deep inside their smoking rectum and handed it over to him.

What can you say to all of those Pats fans and Herald readers who've been vituperatively protesting the piece since it first ran? Well this:

What happens from here? I intend to continue covering the Patriots to the best of my abilities, and that means pursuing every storyline, good or bad. I have relationships to mend within the organization and with my readers. The process of regaining your trust will not be an easy one.

At the end of the day, I’m human, and humans make mistakes. Mine happened to be very significant and very public, and it’s something that will always be with me.

I’m confident it will make me a better reporter. Last year, Patriots safety Rodney Harrison [stats] pulled me aside to discuss a story he believed had unfairly attacked him. He felt it had gotten personal and wanted me to put myself in his shoes.

I thought I knew where he was coming from, but in reality I didn’t. Now I do. This perspective will only help moving forward.

I take immense pride in what I do and the paper I work for. I truly believe it’s a privilege to serve as a link between the fans and their team.

On Feb. 2, I let you all down. Today I hope to begin the long road back.

Based on the 250+ comments that have been written so far in reaction to the story, he's still got a few thousand miles to go on that road. We'll see how long Tomase can deal with comments like these after each story he writes: "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....didn't even bother reading, Tomase. It's probably chock-full of BS anyway. "

Good luck with that.

Tomase's Explanation [Boston Herald]

It was also revealed was that the Patriots did not tape the Rams walk-through before Super Bowl XXXVI, even though the Boston Herald reported on February 2 that those tapes did exist. This story prompted yesterday's amusing little chest-puffing match between NFL Live's Trey Wingo and the Boston Herald's Mike Felger. Wingo asked if an apology or retraction would be forthcoming for this erroneous report, and Felger basically gave him the whole I'm-not-the-boss treatment.

Apparently, it was enough, as today the Herald issued a formal apology for the story this morning. One look at the comments section shows their readers aren't happy:

• " I am never reading the Herald for the rest of my life, and I hope the writer of that article, who everyone knows by now, is severely punished for this. To publish a false report, of this magnitude, the day before the Superbowl, is unforgivable."

• "Damn, I thought I'd see fatty's resignation letter here. The Herald's apology mentions 'sources'.. Tomase's original article mentioned a 'source'. That's unforgivable journalism. He and his editor should be fired."

• "Boston Herald sucks! Let me get this clear - you ran the story without having the tape, seeing the tape or anyone who had seen it? Did this overwhelming lack of evidence not deter you? Well what the hell were you thinking? Fire Tomase. And now and forever the Herald is dead to me"

Wouldn't it be ironic if the only person to lose their job out of all of this was John Tomase?

ESPN Finally Gets A Hold Of Someone From The Boston Herald [Awful Announcing]
Sorry, Pats [Boston Herald]

Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy spoke with kids at a high school in Tampa on Thursday and apparently he was in a mood to foment him some controversy. And not in the usual "condemning o' the gays" way. Nope. He took a shot at the rival New England Patriots being embroiled in MattWalshGate. Nothing wrong with that. What was interesting was Dungy's willingness to gloss over accusations against his team.

Then someone asked if anything happened last season that he wished he could include in the book. What followed was vintage Dungy. He seized the opening. He brought up the videotaping scandal with the New England Patriots.

"We talk about how important it is to do things the right way and have integrity so that when you do win, people can never ask that question," he said. "That's the great thing that I'm happy about with our team.

"Yes, we won. But no one is really going to ask, 'Did they cheat? Did they do things the right way?' I think our record speaks for itself and if you're a true champion, that's the way you'd like it to be."

O RLY? I seem to be remember there being some questions about pumped-in crowd noise in the RCA Dome cropping up numerous times in the past few years, most notably after the regular season game against the Patriots last season.

He'd probably blame that on the gays though. Must they be so demonstrative? Tony Dungy's version of hell must be very loud.

Hard to ever tired of these.

(* Copyright New England Patriots, 2007)

Of course, a movie Wonder Woman has already been cast recently, but that doesn't leave Gisele out of the mix. Megan Gale will play WW in an upcoming Justice League of America movie, which is a whole separate deal. Here she is in a photo that is NSFW, comic book fans.

Wonder Woman Gisele Bundchen [Boston Globe]

Of course, Jets fans are already grumbling. They'll stop grumbling the moment a fiery pit opens up and swallows Bill Belichick.

In an episode titled "The Closet," a pro football player who wears No. 12, has a cleft chin and a supermodel galpal, plays in a red-and-blue stadium and is "the best quarterback in football" is the prime suspect in a gay murder. Any resemblance to any New England Patriots QB is, we're sure, entirely intentional!

In the show, Brady, or I mean Haver, is actually innocent. So the hunt for the real killer continues. Of course Brady Quinn must have an alibi for the hours in question, right?

SVU Closet Case Slams Close To Home [Boston Herald]

The Smoking Gun reports that the Pats are still seeking the trademark on 19-0. We might have to go through all this crap again.

Three months after their bid for an undefeated season ended with a Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants, the New England Patriots are continuing to pursue trademarks on the phrases "19-0" and "19-0 The Perfect Season," records show. While the team may have been expected to withdraw its applications after finishing at 18-1, a Patriots lawyer recently amended the original filings to correct a typographical error, a clear indication that the organization remains committed to securing the marks (perhaps Bill Belichick & Co. are anticipating perfection in the 2008 season).

Meanwhile, our Buzzsaw are expected to seek "beer bong."

Patriots Still Pursuing Perfection [The Smoking Gun]

"Just before the last Super Bowl, Bill Belichick gathered his football players and said 'Let's win this one for real, just this one time. Let's not cheat.' You know what happened? They lost."

South Park Crushes Bill Belichick [You Been Blinded]

Moss is the third West Virginian sportshuman to be honored, after Jerry West and Mary Lou Retton, both of whom are comparable to Randy Moss is every way.

"Randy Moss is to football what Tiger Woods is to golf," said District Manager Karen Schenck, who will make a presentation to Moss. "The Postal Service wanted to honor Mr. Moss, so we designed a commemorative envelope as a fitting tribute to his many talents."

Personally, we can't believe they've ignored a true champion of West Virginia sports: Pittsnogle!

Now You Can Lick Randy Moss [Lion In Oil]

More photos here.

I'm not much for memorabilia collecting, but I wish I had been there: How often do you get a chance to get a men's flap handbag signed by two Super Bowl quarterbacks?

No Hard Feelings [Kenneth In The 212]
Brady, Eli Square Off Once Again — At Store Opening [SportsbyBrooks]

Gisele Bundchen won't be the only person seeing Tom Brady in his skivvies if Calvin Klein has his way. We hear the designer has offered the Patriots quarterback seven figures to blast David Beckham and his Armani underwear campaign right off the billboards.

I knew that one day The Underwear Wars would come, and that they would be terrible. Brother would fight brother; many would die. But I never knew that it would be so soon. When you get ready for bed tonight, and you slip into your Traditional Fit Yarn Dyed Woven Boxers, be sure to say a prayer. Say a prayer for all of us ...

And remember that it could have been much worse. Could have been Kornheiser.

Side Dish: Tom Brady In His Underwear? [New York Daily News]
Tom Brady Underwear Rumors Bunch Up Again [Towel Road]

While even a humiliating loss in Super Bowl XLII might not prevent Patriots fans from remaining "chest-proud," let's not get delusional in the thought that Moss can't be tempted to go elsewhere. Any perceived allegiance to a team quickly goes away with the phrase, guaranteed money. How badly, for instance, would the Carolina Panthers break the bank for a Steve Smith-Moss combo? One NFL insider tells the Charlotte Observer: "Carolina has freed up a lot of cap space with all the guys they've cut recently. Suppose they offer Randy a 6-year, $60 million deal with $25 million guaranteed? Now, if the difference is one or two million, Moss probably gives the Patriots a discount and goes back. But $5 million extra guaranteed? These guys have egos. And he knows that Carolina has been working aggressively to get better. Who's to say he doesn't make the move?"

Other stuff of interest:

• Jonathan Vilma to the Saints. New Orleans traded an undisclosed draft pick for the Jets' middle linebacker, who had 118 tackles last season and was named AP NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year in 2004. Ah, that many tackles will be easy to make up. Meanwhile, Carolina dealt DT Kris Jenkins to the Jets for third- and fifth-round draft picks this year. Deal was for $35 million with $20 million guaranteed.

• Asante Samuel about to sign with Eagles. It'll probably happen just as you're reading this. Sorry, Patriots fans. At least Tedy Bruschi is back!

• Redskins love them some Todd Collins. Washington agreed to terms today with the quarterback, who is expected to be a backup to Jason Campbell.

• It's hard to believe that the Rams still had a player from their Los Angeles days, but they did: Until today. For the second time in three years, the team cut wide receiver Isaac Bruce. I smell a move to the 49ers, where new offensive coordinator Mike Martz will be waiting for him with a warm smile and a muffin basket.

Overall, it's a seller's market out there, kids. Not a lot to choose from I'm afraid. Unless you're looking for pitching.

Jets Trade Vilma, Acquire All-Pro DT Jenkins [MSNBC]
NFL Roundup: Free Agent Season Kicks Off [USA Today]
Is There A Catch With Moss? [Boston Globe]

From The Boston Herald:

Hopefully Belichick will get a kick out of the headline next to his grumpy puss: "Where Lesbians Love." We certainly did! The Evil Genius, sporting his shiny barber smock in the photo, really isn't the focus of the Spirt cover story. Sadly. He's just a prop to illustrate the piece that asks the age-old question: "If one of Boston's professional athletes announced he was gay would his team and the fans rally around him?" The answer: Yes, if he's a Tom Brady-caliber playmaker. No, if he's an underperforming bench-sitter. This is Boston after all.

It should interest you to know that of all the Boston-area pro teams, none would even talk to the magazine for the story except for the Boston Cannons of Major League Lacrosse. I assume that's a men's league.

Think Bill Belichick Will Get Into 'Spirit' Of Things? [The Boston Herald]
Where Lesbians Love [Losers With Socks]

My name is Matt Walsh. For seven years, I was employed by the New England Patriots as a PR intern, a video assistant and, later, a college scout. I was never a "coach", so to speak. Instead, I was one of the myriad anonymous employees who performed several basic tasks that helped the coaching staff develop and execute their game plans. That primarily included videotaping.

The Patriots, as you may have guessed, employ more of this type of assistant than any other team in the NFL. There were over 500 of us working out of the main branch office in Foxborough. And there were at least 236 video assistants each at the team's satellite offices in Miami, New York, Indianapolis, Buffalo, San Diego, Green Bay, Guadalajara, and, well... you get the picture. This, of course, is why Coach Belichick has said he's never heard of me. He's right. He barely knows any of the team's 40,000-person workforce.

In fact, next to the United States government, the New England Patriots are the second largest employer in the nation, having recently overtaken General Motors. And, in some cases, the Patriots have been contracted by the government to do video surveillance on their behalf. In certain cases, it's hard to know just where the Patriots begin and the National Security Agency ends. It may surprise you to know that only 1 percent of the Patriots' revenue is derived from football-related businesses. The rest is income derived from subcontracting agreements they have with the Pentagon, Beijing and various business conglomerates.

Spying isn't just a tactical advantage for this team. It's their very reason for being. The football is just a convenient, high-profile front. The spying isn't a means to an end. It IS the end. Do you really think the Patriots would launch high-powered optical satellites (satellites with over 100 times the viewing resolution of the Hubble Space Telescope) into orbit just so they can win a lousy football game?

Oh, you are so naïve.

Coach Belichick has long believed that, in order to gain an advantage over opposing players and/or Tiananmen Square street protestors, you must study their entire social orbit. That means spying not just on them, but the people they know, and the people they know, and the people they know, and the people they know, and the people they know.

That means YOU.

Oh, we've been watching you, all right. I've got an entire shipping container just for your reels alone. I even have you up on the monitor right now. Here you are:

Look familiar? I bet it does. I know you better than you know yourself. You sit there all day, only leaving the computer to take a shit or get a new Pepsi from the fridge. You haven't had a meal with proper company in over a month. You stay up late at night constantly refreshing this page, hoping against all hope that the "at" symbol followed by your screen name will pop up in someone else's comment, giving you the slightest glimpse of hope that you are not quite so alone in this world.

You keep meaning to get out when it's nice outside but just can't bring yourself to do it. You haven't taken out the garbage or washed a dish in over a year. You have a framed Big Lebowski poster over in the corner that you were too goddamn lazy to actually hang on the wall. You like to get shitfaced by yourself on those big Bud cans. Not the 18 oz, tall boys, but the fucking huge 24 oz. fuckers. While drunk, you like to sing along to old 80's hits. Scandal seems to be your fave. Shootin' at the walls of heartache, BANG BANG!

The calendar of yours up there? Blank.

See? I know you. I know that makes you a bit uncomfortable. You didn't think that Lives Of Others movie could happen here, did you? Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings. We wired every inch of that one-bedroom apartment. A rat couldn't move two inches in your crawlspace without clotheslining himself. Your sister let me grope her boobies in the back of a Town Car just so I wouldn't let anyone know you own Four Weddings And A Funeral on DVD. You don't make a single move without me or the Kraft family knowing about it.

So I know what you're wondering. And the answer is yes, I have taped you masturbating. On several occasions. Even today. I may not work for the Pats anymore, but I still get the live feeds on my Dell. Before you even brushed your teeth or put in your contacts this morning, you fired up the laptop and went straight for Asstenderizers.com. You amassed a small pile of leftover take out napkins on your desk along with that small bottle of Vaseline Intensive Care your mom bought you a while back. Then you sat ass naked on your office chair and started going to fucking town while watching a German fisting video.

I notice you have a hard time working the track ball with just your left hand. May I suggest a mouse?

After you were done, you wiped yourself off and then, WITHOUT WASHING YOUR HANDS, ate Honey Smacks right out of the box. I can't tell you how many of my old co-workers over at CentComm were horrified by that. We all thought you would shower after that. But you didn't. Turns out that morning jerk for you is just a warmup of sorts. You decided to cruise the gossip sites, then landed on those pics of Lindsay Lohan ass naked in New York magazine, which then led you straight back to Asstenderizers.com with your dick out.

It seems to be a pattern of sorts for you. You always seem to think you are done masturbating for the day, only to find something that stirs up the echoes all over again. It's really quite fascinating. Or, at least, it would be if you looked like Marisa Miller.

You buy pornography even though it's readily available to you on the Internet. I see you bring home DVD's all the time in black plastic bags. Sometimes, you can't even make it through the DVD menu without blasting your manjelly into a pair of Wigwams.

Now, I don't want you to worry about any of this. Obviously, we have no reason to make this footage public. I'm pretty sure the public isn't exactly screaming out for it. It will only be viewed by Patriots staff, along with Federal employees who have a minimum-level security clearance and some top-level executives at Unilever, who are working on a new maximum strength line of Purell hand sanitizers.

But other than that, no one ever has to know. Even though I was unceremoniously fired by the Patriots, I'm still a big believer in how they do business. And I believe that Bill Belichick is a true visionary, by which I mean he has the technology to see visions of you working the joystick any time he pleases. Does that help him win football games? No, but that hardly matters anymore.

What matters is that we live in a whole new world now, where people have embraced convenient new forms of digital communication at the expense of hijacking their own privacy. Coach Belichick knew the world was going this way and decided to take advantage before anyone else did. He was simply ahead of the curve. Soon, EVERYONE will be taping your private Tug Of Love sessions.

Admit it: it's a bit of a turn-on, isn't it?

So, enjoy. From Mike Reiss' story in the Boston Globe on Sunday:

The Patriots' videotaping of signals was deemed to cross the line, which Belichick apologized for yesterday. "I respect the integrity of the game and always have and always will," he said. "I regret that any of this, or to whatever extent it has in any way brought that into question or discussion or debate. The decision was made by the commissioner, the practice was immediately stopped, and we're not doing it. ... I take responsibility for it. Even though I felt there was a gray area in the rule and I misinterpreted the rule, that was my mistake and we've been penalized for it. I apologize to everybody that is involved — the league, the other teams, the fans, our team, for the amount of conversation and dialogue that it's caused."

Well and good. But here's the problem Belichick runs into with his newest controversy. If there is indeed a tape out there of the Rams' walkthrough prior to the 2002 Super Bowl, does anyone believe that Bill had no knowledge of it, and that he could not, as he put it, "pick Walsh out of a lineup?" There's just no plausible deniability; Belichick attends to the details of his team the way that Tony Shalhoub attends to the washing of his hands. All I'm saying is that there may be more juicy apologies in store here.

And speaking of that ...

• "Sorry we tried to make up for years of Duke favoritism all in one night." — ACC officials

• "Sorry we're changing our name to Chico's Bail Bonds" — Detroit Red Wings

• "Really sorry we have an Ultimate Fighting section now." (Bows head, shuffles away slowly) — MSNBC

• "I regret nothinnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggggg!"

Belichick And Pioli Speak Out [Boston Globe]

Thankfully, certain other, far more awesome, teams are taking their Patriots pwnage with a touch more dignity. This lawsuit, of course, is another bold stride toward the eventual state in which every pro sports championship will be like major elections, subject to cries of recalls, legal challenges and boring me to tears.

What might especially stick in the craw of Patriots fans is that these people are suing on behalf of them also.

The lawsuit requests class action status for three classes:

All Rams players, coaches, staff and employees of the 2002 Super Bowl team.

The 72,922 fans who attended the game.

All owners of St. Louis seat licenses in the 2001 and 2002 season.

That's right. Because all 72,922 people who attended that game were Rams fans, right? C'mon, St. Louis, we're enjoying having the moral high ground over Patriots fans. Don't screw this up for us.

We've all known that they go to third world countries, but this is the first time we've seen an actual picture of one. You can chuckle all you want, but honestly, this really makes sense; most of those kids belong to Tom Brady anyway.

Patriots New Fans [New York Post]

Gather 'round, fans of the New York Football Giants, and let me weave you the tale of one magical Super Bowl.

The two teams pitted against each other couldn't have followed more different paths. Team 'A', having just hoisted the Lombardi Trophy a couple of years earlier, had made short work of their opponents on their way to the best record in the league, in large part due to their MVP-Award-winning quarterback and the record-breaking offense—widely considered one of the greatest in history—at his disposal. After a dismal start to the regular season, Team 'B' had eked into the playoffs by the skin of their teeth, courtesy of some key second-half wins on the shoulders of an unproven quarterback about whom just about everyone was maintaining serious doubts. The two factions had squared off during the regular season and although Team 'B' had unexpectedly made a game of it, in the end, they were simply overmatched by the charmed powerhouse that was their opponent. Going into the Super Bowl, Team 'A' was a two-touchdown favorite.

To everyone's great surprise, the rematch-for-a-championship turned out to be a thriller. With both sides scratching and clawing for every point, the lead changed hands a number of times throughout the contest. As improbably as the course of the game ran, its ending would belong in a storybook: Team 'B's quarterback led his squad on a white-knuckle drive downfield to put them within striking distance of a seemingly impossible final attempt at a score with precious few seconds remaining on the clock...but score Team 'B' did, winning the Super Bowl by three points in one of the biggest upsets in the game's history.

That story makes you happy, doesn't it, Giants fans? Puts a smile on your face, warms your heart. I bet you like Team 'B', don't you?

As well you should...because they're the 2001-2002 New England Patriots.

And when they won they Super Bowl, it wasn't just me and my fellow lifelong Patriots fans who were happy; outside of St. Louis (and a few people in Los Angeles who were kidding themselves), the whole world was happy. While you likely wouldn't admit to it now, I'd even wager that some of you were happy. Not necessarily because you'd wanted New England to win, but because they were the team that no one had given a chance. David had slain Goliath, and for a few shining moments, every sports fan in the country could savor the ideal of sports—anything can happen—making an all-too-rare appearance as a reality. For that reason, we all couldn't help but like the Patriots at least a little bit, whether or not they were our team.

Five years later, I would tell people I was a Patriots fan; they would tell me I was a loudmouthed, racist, bandwagon-riding douchebag who should be killed.

What did I miss?

The short answers that a Patriot hater ("Patrater?") might have given are numerous—"two additional Super Bowl victories", "a quarterback who's more handsome than I am and has regular sex with more supermodels (1) than I do", "said hated quarterback being granted one of the best receiver corps in the NFL at the peak of his career", "the unlikely rise to dominance by the Boston Red Sox", "the return of the Boston Celtics to a championship-caliber status", "SpyGate"—and likely interconnected, in his mind, as one long answer. While I did not miss any of those occurrences, I was rather surprised that people seemed to think that I bore responsibility for them. When the 2007 season began, I was the same person I was in 2002, yet the people who'd been anonymously happy for me (or at least tolerant of my existence) then because the Patriots won were now anonymously despising me with vitriol because the Patriots kept on winning. Flattering as it was (admittedly somewhat more so in the former instance), any individual recognition that I received in either case was largely undeserved.

As a devotee of consistently-losing sports franchises throughout my formative years and beyond, I'm no stranger to the active dislike of dominant teams (see: New York Yankees, 1919-2003), but my impotent rage has always been directed in much larger part at the teams themselves than at their fans (I'm getting married on Saturday and I won't be surprised if my best man wears Robinson Cano Underoos; how much can I really hate those people?). The tide that turned against those who rooted for the Patriots—and all Boston sports fans in general—was like nothing I'd seen before, even taking into account that (1) I was (and am) biased and (2) being on the receiving end of popular hatred was still a relatively new experience. Sure, nobody who doesn't like the Yankees likes the team's fanbase as a whole, but the argument never gets much more specific than "Yankees fans are spoiled, arrogant pricks" (although that actually would have been the argument prior to 2001, when "spoiled" was replaced by "deluded"). But to announce my allegiance to the Patriots was to risk casting myself in the eyes of anyone without roots in the Boston area as a drunken, braying white supremacist.

The charges of racism, of course, predominantly came from white people whose closest encounter with African-American culture was a purchase of Will Smith's Willennium. Yes, Boston's history of race relations is not pretty—we all saw that HBO Red Sox documentary narrated by Ben Affleck—which is exactly in accordance with the history of race relations throughout America (and, to take it even further, the world)...or were you not aware, Cleveland Indians and Washington Redskins fans, that your teams' cute little mascots are also horribly maligned human beings? Given that fact, does being from those cities necessarily make you a racist? No ... at least not any more than simply being from America does (although that doesn't erase Boston's checkered past, nor does it diffuse the fact that the mascots in question are mind-bogglingly offensive).

This argument inevitably fell on deaf ears because, in that indefinable moment when the New England Patriots were transformed by public opinion from scrappy underdogs into the Evil Horde, the die had been likewise cast for the majority perception of their fans. Somewhere between 2002 and 2007, solely because I cheered for a particular professional sports team (or two), I had become a douchebag in the eyes of anyone who didn't happen to agree with me ... and there was nothing I could do to change it.

There was, however, something the New York Giants of New Jersey could do. And on February 3, 2008, when those scrappy underdogs bested the mighty, reviled New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII, they set the change in motion.

Enjoy your moment, Giants fans, Jets fans pretending to be Giants fans and all who've been jumping on the bandwagon since that absolutely horrendous pass hit David Tyree in the head and got stuck there: outside of New England (and a large percentage of bookmakers), the world is happy for you. Keep on smiling, keep on celebrating, keep on lauding your team's accomplishment at every available opportunity. And one day very soon, you will wake up to discover ... that you are all douchebags. Pedophile douchebags is what I'm suggesting be the modifier: you are all pedophile douchebags whose hero is an overgrown Sea Monkey that constantly looks to be on the verge of tears. Eli Manning could fall ass-backwards into a Super Bowl victory with the East Rutherford Giants every season for the rest of his God-affronting career and history will never concede that he is a talented football player by any stretch of the imagination. Peyton Manning is Ellen Ripley, and Eli Manning is those botched clones of Ellen Ripley in the tubes in Alien: Resurrection that beg the one successful clone to kill them. But no one did, and now he's a Super Bowl MVP, and now you have no one to blame but the football team you support for the fact that you are all douchebags.

And now I have that same football team to thank for the fact that I'm not.

For the rest of you who have dedicated yourselves to blindly hating Patriots fans for the last several years, I acknowledge that this revelation is not an easy thing to wrap your tiny heads around. However, by your own established math, the Patriots' dominance made their fans douchebags. A team who collapses on the game's greatest stage cannot be viewed as dominant; ergo, its fans are not douchebags (or at least not more so than any other team's fans). Like it or not (and I know that you don't), I'm just another guy who roots for a team that didn't win the Super Bowl, now. Just like you.

Can you believe those Giants fans, all dancing and happy? Christ, it's been more than a week already—get over yourselves. What a bunch of douchebags.

I also happen to know that they molest children. It's a historical fact.

At first the petition drew notice from outraged Patriots fans who were sure that their team had been robbed due to some sort of timekeeping shenanigans. Then the comments quickly evolved into comedy gold as people signed in to mock the Pats fans. And then, predictably, came the boring Tom Brady is gay jokes and a bunch of racist and pornographic nonsense, as people who type with their knuckles got wind of it. But for the first 2,000 comments or so, it was pretty entertaining. Here's a sampling, with the serious comments listed first:

• That whole giants drive needs to be reviewed especially the deep throw to tyree our defense was clearly held by the jerseys and facemasks but not one of the penalties were called. — Charles Novak

• I don't know much about the rules of the NFL but as a Patriots fan if this is true I feel cheated. If this is true there should seriously be a replay of the last 1:40 of the Super Bowl. I didn't bet on it myself, but a lot of people lost or gained a lot of money on this game and the real outcome deserves to be known. — Eric Frenz

• Give the patriots their rightful win. — Meaghan O'Toole

• Only reviewing these rules is an understatement. Two players (Richard Seymour and Adalius Thomas) were also held on the 3rd and five play of the giants in the fourth quarter. This needs to be reviewed as well. — Tag Muggia

• I was at SB42 and watched the travesty of the biggest screwjob in history take place. Justice must prevail. — Colin McSorely

• I feast on your tears — your insipid, ignorant tears. — Cry More

• There must be an investigation—I kept track of the time using a metronome and a calorie counter, and there was definitely a discrepancy. I'm shocked no one has mentioned the late hit on Brady by the field judge! — Troy Tranes

• Hey guys, I just wanted to say that as the coach of the New England Patriots, I think that...whoops, one second left. Gotta run!!!! — Bill Belichick

• I'll be holding a press conference today to announce whether or not I am signing this petition. — Kevin Hart

• Guess what? Giesle and I got back together. — Leonardo DiCaprio

• I altered the deal Pats fans. Pray I don't alter it any further. — Darth Vader

• Anyone notice the way the light gleams off Brett Favre's helmet? — Joe Buck

• Don't just play the last 1:40 over. play until the Pats win, even if it's a bajillion years. I live vicariously through Tom Brady's accomplishments and I can't quit imagining him in his mansion, plowing Gisele, but with tears rolling down his cheeks. All because people are jealous of the Pats. — Shaun Patrick O'Toole Flannegan

• Don't hate on NY or my rooster will cut you. — Pedro Martinez

• Osi Umenyora took a dump on our hearts. :( — Dick Peters

• This petition makes the Super Bowl loss that much sweeter. From the bottom of our hearts, thanks for this. — The Nation

Here's the version that aired. Still, even though they had all the bases covered, I still would have liked to have been in the control room when Manning threw that last TD pass, as Fox technicians scrambled to find the tape that had the Giants' version of the commercial. "Where is it? Hal ... you were using it as a doorstop? Jesus!"

Alternate Perfectville Commercial By Reebok Had The Patriots Won [Larry Brown Sports]

Therefore, Football Guys, the official chatroom of the NFL. It will run here on Deadspin weekly, every Tuesday, until the end of the NFL season. So do enjoy, after the jump.

He went into Sunday night's big game hoping for another Patriots Super Bowl victory — an achievement that had him thinking of tattooing the Vince Lombardi Trophy on the top of his head. He said he still loves the team and Brady, but expressed some frustration that their intensity didn't seem to be at the same level as the Giants. Like many, he questioned whether Brady's girlfriend — Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen — might have been a distraction during the times that came between the AFC Championship and the Super Bowl. "Brady was playing with his old lady all week," said Thompson as he slumped in a chair and recalled the game.

Other things about Victor you may not know:

• Other tattoo, on his ass: Disco Will Never Die.

• Donated $1,000 to Fred Thompson Presidential campaign.

• Has huge collection of eight-track tapes.

• Extensive real estate holdings on Krakatoa, East of Java.

• Has Mets season tickets.

For One Pats' Fan, It Was A Night To Remember, For All The Wrong Reasons [Laconia Citizen]
Supermodels Not Included [Deadspin]

It wasn't a kicker-centric Super Bowl, the way I'd hoped it would be, the way I hope every Super Bowl will be. (My favorites: V, XXV, XXXVI and XXXVIII.) But I've crafted a kicker-related theory that I consider as solid as Tom Dempsey's right shoe.

The downfall of the Patriots was about performance, of course, the way all sporting contests are—in this case that of the Giants' defensive line and of young Elijah, who will ascend to heaven in a chariot of fire adorned with a lowercase ny and driven by four guys from Yonkers. But for all of New England's season-long protestations of humility and respect, it was hubris that did them in—Bill Belichick's hubris. It showed up at the game's end, when he couldn't muster the class or grace to stay on the field while Eli took a knee.

But, more critical to the final score, it showed up when he refused to kick.

The writers, dead-tree and not, mentioned it, as they should have. But they didn't deconstruct its significance. With 6:49 left in the third quarter, Belichick kept Brady on the field on fourth and 13 from the Giants' 31 instead of having placekicker Stephen Gostkowski try a 49-yard field goal. Here's what should have been running through Captain Sominex's head: We're ahead 7-3. There are less than 22 minutes to play in a Super Bowl in which points have been scarce. If that little shit can kick the ball between the uprights, we're ahead 10-3. Leading by four means that the Jets or Giants or whomever the hell we're playing need to score once to take the lead. Leading by seven means they need to score twice. Scoring twice is harder than scoring once.

Yes, New England was better than any team this season at converting on fourth down. The league average was just under 50 percent; the Patriots did it 15 of 21 times, or 71 percent. Give the curmudgeon credit: Belichick understands that, as Gregg Easterbrook has worn out keyboards explaining, NFL teams should go for it on fourth down more than they do. But that means fourth and 4 from their own 40 or even fourth and 7 from the opposing 30—and only when a field goal wouldn't be decisive. Fourth and 13? I asked Aaron Schatz of Football Outsiders for some stats. They'd be meaningless, he replied. Teams only go for it on fourth and 10 or more when losing near the end of a game. The Patriots were winning in the third quarter.

In a postgame news conference that made The Sorrow and the Pity look like American Pie, here was Belichick's typically dismissive response when some ignoramus dared posit that he could have tried a field goal: "Yeah, but it was a 50-yard field goal." So bleeping what? Before a game, a coach asks his kicker for his outer range for the day. I'm willing to bet my Copas that, under a dome, in the Arizona altitude, in the Super Bowl, Stephen Gostkowski didn't reply, "Forty-eight—and not an inch more, coach."

True, the kid has kicked just one field goal of 50-plus yards in his two years in the NFL, and it was last season. It's also true that Gostkowski's longest FG this year was from 45. But that doesn't mean he can't kick a football 49 yards. Every NFL kicker can. The Giants' weaker-legged Lawrence Tynes's 47-yard game-winner in polar Green Bay was probably good from 57.

Rather, Gostkowski's lack of 50-plus stats reflects two things: One, the Patriots didn't attempt many field goals this season (24) because they scored a lot of touchdowns (75) instead. Two, he probably wound up kicking shorter field goals because Belichick's aggressiveness on fourth down moved the ball closer.

Did Gostkowski injure himself shanking that second-quarter kickoff out of bounds? I have no idea, but I doubt it; he later booted one to the Giants' 3-yard line. Anyway, if the kicker or a lack of confidence in the kicker really was the problem, Belichick could have punted, making the Giants—who had managed a single field goal to that point—travel anywhere from 11 to 30 yards farther in order to score.

No, I think Belichick arrogantly assumed that the highest-scoring offense in NFL history would revert to form against a defense it had abused five weeks earlier. In that, he refused to cop to what 100 million people were witnessing: his team getting beat. Instead of taking the three points—or the 60 or so percent likelihood that Gostkowski would deliver the three points—Belichick let his quarterback airmail one into the end zone. The Giants didn't score on the subsequent drive. But they did wind up winning by three.

Look, I'm a kicker. I love kickers. For Pete Gogolak's
sake, I did a modern Plimpton as a kicker and I will talk about kicking whenever possible. But Belichick's no-kick wasn't just an insult to my kind. It's was a mind-bogglingly ill-considered football decision. For it alone, the Patriots deserved to lose. Mess with the kicker, mess with history.

Stefan Fatsis is the author of Word Freak and a longtime sports reporter for the Wall Street Journal and sports commentator on NPR's "All Things Considered." His new book, A Few Seconds of Panic: A 5-foot-8, 170-Pound, 43-year-old Sportswriter Plays in the NFL, about his summer as a training-camp kicker for the Denver Broncos, comes out in July.

In other news, I suspected that Eyepatch was just being bitter when they ripped Randy Moss to tiny bits of confetti following the Super Bowl, but you know, maybe they have a point. On Monday Moss tossed Bill Belichick directly under the large, bus-like vehicle. Said Moss on Sunday:

"The Giants just had a better game plan. They played heads-up football. They came ready to play for four quarters, 60 minutes."

Also, seemingly the entire world is second-guessing him for that fourth-and-13 call. How can the Patriots get people's minds off of all of this? Paying off the Lost writers to reveal about eight secrets on Thursday, that might do it.

The QB Mannings, A Family Affair [Sign On San Diego]
Cause To Kick Themselves? [Boston Globe]
Brady, Moss To Miss Pro Bowl [SF Gate]
Super Bowl Blogdome [Deadspin]

You know that nasty fight still going on between the NFL and Comcast, over that whole NFL Network thing? Well, Guess who Specter's top campaign contributor is. That would be Comcast.

So let's review. Last week, Specter announced on radio and then in print that he may hold public hearings — on the taxpayer's dime — to find out why the NFL destroyed the videotapes at the center of the so-called "Spygate" scandal, in which the Patriots were fined and stripped of their No. 1 draft pick for breaking league rules about videotaping the New York Jets' sidelines and signals during a game. His announcement stirred up an embarassing story line for the NFL at the peak of its premier week, the Super Bowl where New England tried unsuccessfully to complete an unprecedented 19-0 season.

But what is the point, other than the above-mentioned embarrassment of the NFL and its commissioner Roger Goodell? True, destroying the tape wasn't the smartest PR move by the PR-savvy NFL, but the tape would show...what? That the Pats spied on the Jets?...that's already been acknowledged by everyone involved, which is why New England was hit with a fairly severe punishment by league standards. Meanwhile, Specter's No. 2 donor and the lobbying client of his No. 1 donor, Comcast, is still at odds with the NFL.

Ugh: We can't believe we just defended the NFL for something involving the NFL Network. We need a shower.

Arlen's Tangled Comcastic Mess: It's Worse Than You Think [Attytood]

— Kissing Suzy Kolber

— Mediocre Photoshop Incorporated

— Sorriest Corner

— Steveurkel

— Cowboysfantexas

— Italie

— Manta537

— Cider

— JB-Giants

Anyway, we received this email from a diehard Patriots fan 30 minutes after the game last night:

I've drained eleven Miller Lites over the course of this debacle, and for some reason, I felt the need to email the editor of Deadspin. I have no idea how to attack this loss. I'm thrown off, definitely, and sad, but it has been a half hour, so my sadness has tapered off a little. What a beat. WHAT. A. BEAT. The worst part is, this team, this awesome team, will be forever remembered as chokers, rather than the team they are: a brilliant team that came within a minute of perfection. Though the fan base (though it is hard for me to swallow the fact that bandwagoners are considered the fan base, but what can I do) deserved the loss, it still... well, multiply the word "sting" by 50. That's the word I'm looking for. Well, I'll take my licks tomorrow, man, no matter how shitty it will end up being. Oddly, since I grew up rooting for these teams, I became accustomed to looks of pity after a loss like this. That's the thing Bill never mentions: since Boston(and New England) sucked for so long, we never developed a thick skin for criticism. We got used to everyone rooting for us, and when we inevitably lost, they shook their heads and said, "Some day, guys." That's why we are the way we are. We can't get used to being envied and hated, so we act like douches and lash back.

Again, sorry, pal. We don't deserve a lick of your sympathy. But, I wanted you to know we took the hit hard tonight... well, at least the diehards did.

Enjoy it while you can. Baseball season's coming soon.

Then, 10 minutes later:

What kills me more than this loss is the fact that half the people who are enjoying this (well deserved) win by the Giants are doing so because they hate the Pats fans, not the Pats. And that's because a lot of people who root for the team don't handle what I was talking about well. We were good at this once, man, I swear. We were small, and were tough, and we were diehards. Things just... grow, and there's nothing you can do. This team, as chippy as they are, were within three minutes of perfection. Three minutes. JEZUS, I can't even get that through my head.

Then, this morning:

The ironic side note to the fact that sports is the perfect form of escapism is that, when you want nothing to do with sports, there is no way you can escape them. I'd almost prefer to be surrounded by drunken diehard Giants fans right now than have to listen to everyone in my office, one by one, come to my desk and offer half-hearted condolences and recycle some reason for the loss they heard on the radio on the way in to work, when all they really want to know is if they hit a square last night.

We know that last one very well; the day after Illinois lost to North Carolina in the NCAA Championship Game, we left our old office at noon. We couldn't take a full day of that.