Deadspin: nfl 4:30 update

When The Saints Go Golfing

skeets — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 16:35:44 EST

It's hard to imagine that less than 12 months ago these two teams were meeting for a chance to play in the Super Bowl. Seriously, they were. I looked it up! Devin Hester (The Jester Molester) returned a 64 yard punt, Neckbeard Orton threw the ball like he was throwing back girly cocktails, and just like that the Saints are out of the p-offs. Next! Bears 33, Saints 25

Everyone keeps forgetting this game had no playoff implications whatsoever, but oh well, Browns win! Joy! Joshua Cribbs took one to the house, Jamal Lewis rushed for 128 yards and Mr. Brady Quinn made his long-awaited NFL debut. All together now, "Let's Go Colts!" (What?) Browns 20, 49ers 7

Miami allowed 316 yards passing by Carson Palmer, gave up a touchdown on a fumble return and fell to 1-15 on the season. Welcome to Miami, Bill! Bengals 38, Dolphins 25

THREADJACK. The Houston Texans are no longer a losing football franchise. /THREADJACK. Andre Davis' two TD returns came on consecutive kickoffs, which made him the first player this season to accomplish the feat in the same game. Odds are he'll be the last, too. Texans 42, Jaguars 28

Excuse me while I Apple+C something Suss wrote last week: "It's that time of year again when the Eagles are out of the playoffs, Donovan McNabb plays well and people lay off the 'maybe someone else should quarterback mantra.'" There. That was easy. Eagles 17, Bills 9

Favre extended his consecutive starts streak to 253 games, threw three touchdowns, and then handed the ball to some guy named Craig. And he did it all in a pair of Wranglers. Packers 34, Lions 13

Goodbye, sweet Vinny. Panthers 31, Buccaneers 23

Redman — Redman! — set a career high with four touchdown passes as the Falcons rode three fourth-quarter touchdowns to "upset" the Hawks in ATL. Said Redman post-game: "Bigger they come, harder they fall / That goes for, knuckleheads, MC's, pussy walls and all" Falcons 44, Seahawks 41

Bears Upset Packers, Their Quarterback Sort Of Helped

sussman — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 16:37:00 EST

A cursory look at the 1 o'clock games led one to make a face comparable to sniffing a plate of expired deli meat. But sometimes expired meat is salvageable, which led to the creation of the hot dog. Similarly, this bundle of games gave us a couple of surprises.

What's really impressive about the Bears win over Green Bay isn't that they pounded them by 28, but that they did so with only two offensive touchdowns and made it look like they had a nice clean set of five offensive touchdowns, or at least one score by Devin Hester. That didn't happen. They had two defensive returns, two field goals, and one of them new age fangled 2-point conversions on top of Orton's throw and Adrian Peterson's run. So they shoulda had something goofy like 29 points. Garrett Wolfe was the leading receiver. And they won by 28. Today makes no sense. Bears 35, Packers 7

(Speaking of no sense: the Bears won both games against the Packers. The Lions won both games against the Bears. Sure.)

When everything was said and done, Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw combined for 296 yards and three touchdowns on the ground. This gave Eli Manning ample time to glue rhinestones to his outgoing Christmas cards. Giants 38, Bills 21

If I had a nickel for every time I heard the phrase "We keep forgetting about the Colts this year." How can we keep forgetting about them if we keep bringing them up? That kind of logic doesn't make any... hey, how about those Colts? Don't forget about them. Colts 38, Texans 15

Welp, it was fun to contend for the AFC North while it lasted. Bengals 19, Browns 14

Oakland really made this game close once once time expired, Jacksonville went to the locker room to celebrate, and Dominic Rhodes kept running into the end zone saying "Touchdown!" every time he re-crossed the line. The touchdowns were nullified, however, because the Jaguars didn't have enough men on the field and Lane Kiffin kept accidentally accepting the penalties.Jaguars 49, Raiders 11

It's that time of year again when the Eagles are out of the playoffs, Donovan McNabb plays well and people lay off the "maybe someone else should quarterback mantra." But what we keep forgetting is that the Indianapolis Colts are good too. Only a year ago they won the Super Bowl. Eagles 38, Saints 23

Starting a winning streak in Week 16 does a team little good. Lions 25, Chiefs 20

Don't forget about the Indianapolis Colts. You know, they won the Super Bowl last year!

Detroit Lions Sweep The Leg On Broncos

sussman — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 16:30:53 EST

The appetizers leading up to the Colts-Patriots were actually rather satisfying. Most of the games were very close in the fourth quarter, and a very large defensive lineman had to run fast. The Patriots-Colts, Texans-Raiders, and Seahawks-Browns are the only afternoon games. But first, let's look at the hefty 1:00 schedule:

Among all the petty forms of entertainment within football games, perhaps nothing tops the lineman running an interception back for a touchdown. Shaun Rogers intercepted what looked to be Patrick Ramsey's screen pass, or maybe Patrick Ramsey had the same thought I did and just wanted to see the fat man jiggle down to the end zone. Lions 44, Broncos 7

I'm thinking back to Week 2 when the Bengals played the Browns, and everyone thought it was going to be a touchdownfest for Carson Palmer. (And we were right.) We didn't count on, however, a defense who basically escorts the opposing offense forward. Cincy gave up over 300 yards passing. Chad Johnson will look back upon the 20?? season as one of the low points of his career. Bills 33, Bengals 21

Kurt Warner's back, but unfortunately it's the 2002 version of Kurt Warner, who ended up with 10-of-30 for 172 yards and two interceptions. Buccaneers 17, Cardinals 10

Antonio Cromartie scored a 109-yard-missed-field-goal-return-for-touchdown, the longest play in NFL history. There have been six "longest plays in NFL history" in the last three years, it seems. Reminds you of the guy from college who annually proclaims he's going to graduate. Vikings 35, Chargers 17 (Update: Adrian Peterson ran for a lot of yards in this game. Damn near 300, in fact.)

Tennessee had only 236 total yards of offense and four turnovers. And they still won by 13. This has to make Carolina the worst 4-4 team in NFL history. Titans 20, Panthers 7

With a minute-or-so left in the fourth quarter, Alex Smith and the 49ers had a chance to score the game-winning touchdown, provided they went the length of the field. You can surmise how this one ended. Yep, turnover. Falcons 20, 49ers 16

It took more than 60 minutes for the Jets to lose a football game. That's impressive for them. Redskins 23, Jets 20

Brett Favre extends his touchdown and interception record by adding a couple of each. So did Damon Huard, but since Huard has less fun than Favre, not to mention less Tecmo Bowl gravitas, that's why his team lost. Packers 33, Chiefs 22

There was a total of 899 passing yards betwixt Quinn Gray and Drew Brees. And only four syllables. That's a 224 yard-to-syllable ratio, by far the best in NFL history. But New Orleans avoided what one may call "turnovers" en route to an impressive win over the usually-impressive Jaguars. Saints 41, Jaguars 24

Product Placement Tangent — Seeing a commercial for stuffed crust pizza reaffirms my disbelief in the product. So because there's mozzarella in the crust, I should eat it first, because it's not like there's mozzarella cheese anywhere else on the slice. Now, if the crust were to be stuffed with bacon, then maybe you have something there.