Just how did Crabtree fall into Mike Singletary's lap at No. 10, when Mel Kiper and the ESPN Super Friends had him locked in as a Top 5 pick?

Factor No. 1: Al Davis, still quite insane. Still living in some bizarre, Austin Powers 1960s world where the Fred Biletnikoff Award is given to the actual Fred Biletnikoff, Davis passed on Crabtree and instead used the Raiders' hard-earned No. 7 pick on something called a Darrius Heyward-Bey. The Maryland receiver, North America's fastest land mammal, is proof that Tom Cable is no more in charge than any of his predecessors. Davis thinks the West Coast Offense is for pantywaists and doily enthusiasts, and that will never change. He wants to stretch the field, the Raider way. Hey, why mess with a philosophy that's worked only sporadically since 1985?

Factor No. 2: Crabtree is, evidentally, a dick. From Tony Grossi's blog in the Cleveland Plain Dealer:

The Texas Tech receiver brought a diva attitude on his visit to the club facility last week and did not impress coach Eric Mangini and others, the source said. In fact, Crabtree was described by some in the building as "not nice."

Not nice? Oh heavens, I do believe I've got the vapors. You Browns fans be sure to pick some nice wildflowers to give to Brady Quinn before each home game this year.

Factor No. 3: His foot sets off airport metal detectors. OK, this may be a legitimate concern. Crabtree was found to have a stress fracture in his left foot at the scouting combine in February. The injury was surgically repaired when a screw was inserted to permanently strengthen the area on March 4. He has been cleared to run and is expected to be back to full strength by the start of training camp. Of Crabtree's speed, Singletary said: "I don't know how fast he is. I just know when he catches the ball, there's separation there." The Rams passed on Crabtree at No. 2, even though they needed a receiver, and that may have been why. Or perhaps they suck.

Anyway, Crabtree's father, also named Michael, is not amused.

"It's their loss," he said of the Raiders. "It was the same way with Adrian Peterson (No. 7 overall to the Vikings in 2007). He proved them wrong. It's Michael's time to prove them wrong."

So, Michael Crabtree: The next Jerry Rice or JJ Stokes? If it's the latter, you can be assured that he'll be on my fantasy team..

The Case For Darrius-Heyward Bey [SFGate]
Davis Draft Doctrine Lords Over Selections [San Francisco Chronicle]
Crabtree Says He's 'Still The Top Receiver' Despite Slide To No. 10 [USA Today]

In a moment of late-round brevity that Erin Andrews will almost certainly regret, she tried to simultaneously interview Texas wideout Quan Cosby and former pudding aficionado Bill Cosby during Day 2 of the NFL Draft. Bill invited Quan to hang out with him on draft day because ... they have the same last name. That's it. They aren't related at all and they went to two different schools, but don't try to make sense of it.

Do you think Bill Cosby is putting on his loony old man persona as an act or is he really just losing his mind? If you knew he was doing it on purpose in an effort to get laughs, would that make it sadder?

By the way, Quan did not even get drafted, reminding us once again that the struggle of life—much like live seventh-round coverage—is futile.

Inside The Cosby Draft Room [ESPN]
Cosby will sign with Bengals [Bevo Beat]

Yes, Knowshon Moreno's friend arrived slightly unprepared his celebratory Draft Day gathering—or was she perfectly positioned for another high pick of her own? I definitely see a lot of upside. As for Knowshon's backfield buddy—no one believes that Matthew Stafford was a lock solid No. 1 pick. What's worse is that no one really feels like the Lions could have done any better. When every move you make is met by your fan base with a collective sigh of "whatever," things may have reached lost cause status. But I got my new super-fierce Calvin Johnson jersey (thanks Reebok!) so I guess I'm set. I promise to wear it to the next Lions Super Bowl appearance.

I wonder if anyone else has any thoughts about the NFL Draft 2009?

Grade: A+ for great t.v. exposure but how does she forget to wear underwear on Knowshon's big day. [Statue Left]

I refuse to believe that Sanchez is anything more than NFL Draft hype, and not the honest evaluation of a football player.This guy reeks of an ARod type celebrity around these parts. Get ready for the tabloids, the headlines, the "Yo trabajo a Nuevo York" bilingual commercials, and the overall attention to a player that has little to nothing to do with what happens on the football field....Oh, and my wife just told me she just got an email that offered her a deal on Mark Sanchez Jets Jerseys from NFL.com. Excuse me while I go throw up. [New York Sports Jerk]

Despite this high praise, there is no way that [Michael] Mitchell was this highly coveted. This just further backs the point that Al Davis is out of his mind and that there needs to be a change in that front office. Update. Now I know why he was taken so high, there's a youtube video of him in action set to a sweet hip-hop beat. It all makes sense now. [Two Big Boobs]

Leave it to the Browns to draft someone who can be mocked with a Nickelodeon picture." [Midwest Sports Fans]

Re: Mel Kiper's wife: "One more item in her job description: she cuts the most famous hair in football this side of Troy Polamalu. I do, she said, sighing, because she would prefer to give up that task. Mel: She tried to change it, and I said absolutely not." [No Guts No Glory]

So here we are again with another new coach telling us that it will take time to build and that we have to be patient. We're now working on our fourth "three year plan" in the last ten years, if anyone was keeping count. I don't know if it is because it is spring and anything is possible, or because LeBron has changed us, or just because of all of this cough syrup(translated Tequila) we've been drinking, but we remain optimistic. [Metcalf Up The Middle]

I met the task master himself. I asked Goodell what he thought about the Stafford contract, to which he responded, "Lot of money, good kid." I detected a bit of seethe in those few words. [Steady Burn]

In and around Atlanta, many of the UGA fans I have spoken to are quick to say how Stafford's erratic play has frustrated them over the years. They remember how many quarters he spent overthrowing open targets and how he buckled under pressure in many of the big games. How will that translate to the Detroit Lions and their fans? [Sports Climax]

University of Virginia tackle Eugene Monore was obviously confident enough in his draft status to make a stop at the jewelry store before showing up for the world's biggest pick up game. Fortunately, he was drafted seventh-overall by the Jaguars so he should have enough coin left over to get the matching anklet.

Eugene Monroe's Subtle Diamond Bracelet [Cecilio Guante]

* * * * *

Welcome to another Sunday Funday Deadspin. Close the shades, because there's nothing outside for you.

Well, who the hell knows. But it seems like any league's solution to getting more revenue dollars is to move up their event a few hours. The 2009 World Series games, for example, will begin at 1 a.m.

Some factors of the NFL Draft I've never been a fan of:

• Suspense diffused by the No. 1 pick being signed before Draft Day
• Suspense diffused by players behind the scenes on cell phones
• Players in attendance behind the stage

So here's how you solve it. Randomize the draft order in the mold of the NBA lottery. HOWEVER. Do it the day of the draft. This causes teams to react and adapt, just like they do in football games. Perhaps have general managers draw straws. Or play Price is Right pricing games. (How much was Aaron Curry's leather suit?)

Next, have the prospective draft picks sit in the front rows, like they do in award shows. Don't hide them from the world. Then, have a host. Someone like Dane Cook Ryan Seacrest Seth Rogen Jimmy Kimmel okay, never mind about the host.

Start the draft at 10 a.m. That way, in the event that the first few picks are still predictable, people are waking up for the surprises and, by the time nobody cares anymore, they still have the afternoon to kill.

Finally, add to the gravitas of the day by booking James Earl Jones to announce the draft picks. Man, what a voice. Dude could recite the minutes of Ypsilanti, Michigan's city council meeting and I'd be hooked.

This concludes the daily broadcast of Deadspin The Sports Blog. It's been as fun as it ever was. And now for something smooth and refreshing. You've earned it.

I'm not sure if it's a new toy, but it sure does seem fun to have a life-sized iPhone at one's disposal. They don't give me one because they suspect I would probably blow it on tracking all the treasures in Skies of Arcadia, and they are right to think that.

So instead of flicking the screen, or whatever the hell the kids call it these days, here's how to enhance the NFL Draft experience in the realm of sportsbloggery:

• Start an "NFL Draft Pool," like The Rookies (now in Blu-Ray!) did. You pick 35 players you think will be drafted the quickest, and whoever's entire set of picks are off the table, wins. I am unclear on what they win. A special edition Blu-Ray of The Rookies?

• Do what The Sports Hernia advises: "Cover your entire body with Nachos. Every time someone says "ability", "capability" or "explosiveness", do a sailor dive into a giant pit of salsa." Draft Pick-O-The-Guy-O?

• Watch an off-Broadway production of Mel Kiper Jr. in his college days scouting college "talent." (Not available in Blu-Ray.)

• Speaking of Kiper's hometown (at least I think I was), you could read B'More Sun's breakdown the draft in the most intelligent fashion possible, provided the draft consisted of anyone, real or CGI. If that were the case, I suspect the Raiders would still have taken Sebastian Janikowski.

• Play Skies of Arcadia. The Gamecube version. (Had to get in a video game recommendation in somehow. LIVE WITH IT.)

And it won't cost them much. Just $72 million. (Oh, but it won't be that much. Don't worry!)

Rumor has it that the Lions took Stafford because his scouting report said that his name could be re-arranged to spell "Ford Farts," which is too hilarious not too draft him, despite naysayers who project that Stafford doesn't have two "R"s in his last name. Lions general manager Martin Mayhew would likely call those reports "pessimistic" and "without merrit."

In all reality, nobody's going to give Mayhew a pass because he was basically Matt Millen's right hand man during the entire decade. (I really hope everybody knows this. The Lions couldn't win a single game and they still didn't clean house. They just promoted from within. Corner. TURNED!) But no matter who he picked today, people would probably raise eyebrows, so it's best to reserve all judgment on the Stafford selection until, let's say, five years, when the Lions release Stafford and look to draft another franchise quarterback.

Lions Show How Much They Value Stafford [Detroit Free Press]

The NFL Draft is this weekend, so time for a special offseason edition of Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo. Enjoy.

I once worked at a large company that forced me to attend a company-wide meeting that was called to pay tribute to a company director who was retiring. If you've ever worked at a large company, you at some point have been forced to attend a company-wide meeting or two, which is the business world's equivalent of assembly. I fucking hated company-wide meetings, especially if it was done in conjunction with the company holiday party. "Hey guys, we want you to eat and drink all you like. But first, sit there for two hours while we bore the fuck out of you."

Anyway, this particular party consisted of speaker after speaker coming up to the podium to talk about how awesome this retiring guy was. Then they played a video tribute to him. Then I think they gave him a parting gift of, like, a Hawaiian vacation for his whole family and shit. It's always fun to sit there while someone you don't know, who makes oceans more money than you (this guy was retiring before fucking 50), is heaped with additional prizes and adulation they don't really need. It's never you on that podium getting the love at work. It's always some other asshole.

And what I find interesting about the NFL Draft is that each draft pick (particularly those who are invited to attend the event in New York) gets the same kind of treatment before they've ever done anything. It's a premature Hall of Fame ceremony of sorts. It's the exact inverse of how the real world works, which never stops blowing my mind.

People who hate the draft always bitch that it's idiotic to focus on the draft when you never know which players will pan out and which won't. But I'd argue that's exactly what makes it so interesting. Because, for roughly half the guys who walk onto that dais come Saturday, the draft will soon come to represent the absolute apex of their professional careers. The draft is either the beginning, or it's the beginning of the end. There's something fascinating whenever ESPN cuts to the draft footage of an old bust like Ryan Leaf holding up his new jersey at the Draft, smiling, totally unaware of the shit blizzard that's about to rain down upon him.

True, every draftee in attendance on Saturday will become rich beyond measure. But many of them will have dreams and ambitions that go beyond money. Many of them likely envision themselves as future football immortals, men who earn not only huge sums of money, but also the never-ending adoration from fans all over for their dominating play on the field. But that won't become a reality for all of them. For some draftees, the NFL will become a joyless vocation (as Stefan Fatsis has ably pointed out), full of unfulfilled expectations, jackoff coaches, and merciless fan criticism. It will fucking suck, just like any other job.

This comforts me. I like knowing Mr. Hot Shit Football Player up on that stage, unlike the retiree I had to see feted, still has the potential to fail miserably, his draft day serving as a bittersweet high point not only in his career, but in his entire goddamn life. That's good stuff.

There's a parallel experience for fans watching the draft as well. Your favorite team drafts a player. You watch Mel Kiper go through the tape and tell you all the awesome shit your new player can do. And then you start to daydream about all the ways Draftee X is going to fuck shit up and help your piece of shit team finally win a Super Bowl. Does it work out that way? Usually not. But that's what makes the NFL so interesting. Because the league only plays 16 games a year (and I hope they don't go beyond that), the NFL, more than any other sport, allows time for fans, players, and coaches to sit and ponder what will be. It allows you to build up a grandiose vision of how things will play out. More than any other sport, the NFL is a league that thrives on the joys of anticipation.

I can't vouch for every fan on this, but I know I personally spend more time THINKING about football than I do watching it (and I watch a great deal of it). That's part of the fun of being a fan. It's why I play fantasy football, why I read books about football, and all that other shit. Because not only is it fun to watch football, but it's fun to see how the real game ends up confounding all the expectations you had in your head for it. And it's fun to see how Draftee X really plays versus how you imagined he would play on the day he was drafted. Unless that draftee's name is Tarvaris Jackson. Fucking T-Jack.

So when people tell you they don't like the NFL Draft because they'd like to watch ACTUAL sports, you can kindly tell them to suck the latte off of Peter King's nutsack. Because the NFL Draft is ACTUAL sports. The idea that a sporting event is irrelevant without game competition fails to account for all the contextual factors that can make a game more interesting to begin with. If you watch a Lions game next year, and you aren't aware of all the time, money, and personal stakes that went into the process of drafting Matt Stafford (if that is who they end up taking), then chances are that game won't be as interesting for you as someone who IS aware of it.

Every game is an answer to a series of questions about a team and its players. The Draft is an event that helps provide a lot of those questions. And if you don't like it, you can still suck it. This is your 2009 NFL Draft Jamboroo.

The Offseason

All offseason events in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer interest on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Jay Cutler To The Bears: The thing that still blows my mind about the whole Cutler incident is that Cutler, while always known to be a boastful douche, was never a real problem for the Broncos until Josh McDaniels came aboard. For three years, Cutler steadily improved under Mike Shanahan. The idea of trading him would have been idiotic. Then McDaniels comes aboard, and all of a sudden the Broncos are like, "This guy is a CANCER!" Really? Because he didn't seem to be one five months ago.

Keep in mind, nothing about Cutler as a football player had inherently changed in that time. Only the circumstances around him had shifted. And now Broncos fans are supposed to buy that somehow Kyle Orton is a better fit for the team than Cutler was? I hate taking the Simmons attitude of "Every GM is every league is a retard and I'm the only person who has any common sense," but that trade will always strike me as one of the most fucking bizarre moves in NFL history.

Michael Vick Getting His Own Reality Show: I think Vick's reality show should consist of him having to live with one of the families that adopted a Bad Newz dog and saved it from being destroyed by the government. "Hey dog, sorry I tried to, like, have you raped and killed for sport and shit. Friends?"

Gruden Getting Shitcanned: Nothing beats an unexpected coach firing. It makes me feel like a big man.

Four Throwgasms

The Story About Travis Henry Going Broke: I loved this quote best of all:

My counselor asks me, ‘How can you do the same thing over and over?'" he said, unable to provide an answer.

You know damn well that if a girl walked up to Travis Henry right now and said, "Hey, wanna go have unprotected sex?" he'd be balls deep in that chick within five seconds. Available pussy makes you forget things quite easily.

Matt Cassel Traded: The real shame of this trade is that it pushes Brodie Croyle even further down the Chiefs' depth chart. And the less there is of Brodie, the less there is of his wife's breasts.

Oof. Not to mention the striking brunette hair that helps frame said breasts. It's like seeing a majestic stage curtain opening.

Three Throwgasms

Madden Retiring: One thing that used to annoy me about Madden was back when he had his All-Madden team, and he'd have 83 players on it every year. I swear there was one year when he had the entire Cowboy and 49er rosters on the All-Madden team. Or he'd pick a guy for the team just because he did something particularly footballish. "Look! Dat guy rubbed mud on his pants! BOOM! ALL MADDEN!"

Fuck, he even put Tony Mandarich on the All-Madden team once, and Mandarich wasn't even in the NFL yet. That was the real problem with Madden: he'd always get enamored of certain guys and stay enamored of them forever. There wasn't much rhyme or reason to it. I also hated the fact that he refused to address Brett Favre by anything other than his full name.

Collinsworth Replacing Madden: I don't mind Collinsworth. But he begins nearly every sentence with this phrase, "I tell you what, this ____ team…" Like so: "I tell you what, this Indianapolis Colts team… They're gonna miss Marvin Harrison!" Once you notice him doing it, it's impossible to stop noticing it.

Adam Schefter Going To ESPN: Schefter, together with Jay Glazer, breaks roughly 95% of the league's important news. I can't tell if he'll make ESPN better, or if ESPN will make him worse. I can see some ESPN guy walking up to Schefter and going, "Hey, nice scoop on Matt Stafford there. You mind if we give that one to Michael Smith? Thanks, champ!"

Two Throwgasms

Gay Rule Changes: I understand not wanting players to get hurt. But this is getting fucking out of hand. You can't sack a quarterback from the ground anymore? You know what? Just put a red jersey on him and be done with it. And let's also soak the red jersey in jellyfish venom, so any defender that touches the quarterback goes into toxic shock for doing so.

So fucking dumb. Yeah, you don't want every player to be injured. But injuries are part of what make the storyline of a season interesting. I don't remember the Super Bowl suffering from Tom Brady's absence last season.

The other rule change that sucks is the elimination of wedge blocking on kickoffs. Not only will this reduce the number of long kickoff returns (and long kickoff returns fucking rule), but other outlets have already noted that it will also make recovering onside kicks more difficult. That's retarded. I want recovering onside kicks to be MORE likely, not less. Shit, I'd like all punts to also be considered live balls after 10 yards. Why the fuck would you go out of your way to make the game less interesting? All to protect a few special teamers? Fuck that. Those guys play special teams specifically because WE DON'T NEED THEM. Meanwhile, the PAT still exists for no good reason.

That One Mel Kiper Draft Promo: Reader Burt Destruction (not his real name, I would gather) writes in: "I was watching a commercial for the NFL draft this weekend and in the spot Mel Kiper is moving stats and pictures of draftees around with his hands like he was Tom Cruise in Minority Report. I don't know why I found it so funny but I think it has to do with how awkward he looks doing it and that someone thought this was a good idea. Please check it out if you get a chance." I too saw this ad. It's like they want you to believe Kiper creates these players in a fucking lab. Not that he hasn't tried.

One Throwgasm

Donte' Stallworth Killing A Guy: I think Stallworth's problem was compounded by the fact that, not only was he drunk, but he hit the dude while driving a damn Bentley. Even if he had been stone sober during the collision, and obeyed every traffic law, no one ever takes the side of a Bentley driver in an accident. If you drive a Bentley, you are an asshole.

ESPN Hiring Matt Millen: Gee, I wonder who might have pushed for that to happen:

Matt Millen is great on TV. Not good, he's great. The booth that he walks into will become the best booth. Even if he walks over my body and sits in my seat, it's going to become the best. He's just great at it, and in six months or less people will forget.

Oh, you really think we're going to forget how badly Millen sucked as a GM, Tony? Really? You think he's that fucking dazzling of a commentator that our memories of that spewing volcano explosion of retardery will be wiped clean from the collective consciousness? FUCK YOU. "Hey Jaws, how about having Matt Millen in the studio? IS THAT NOT A HUGE COUP FOR OUR NETWORK? Would you have ever guessed, IN A MILLION YEARS, that we would have such an incredible talent in our midst?"

This is so fucking annoying. Don't tell me he's so awesome, Tony. I remember Millen as a commentator, and I've never fucking liked that prick. This is why people get so fucking pissed at the media. Someone goes and hires a gasbag like Millen just because he's buddy-buddy with a bunch of other assholes in the room. I'm glad this site would never stoop to bringing in poorly informed contributors strictly out of cronyism.

Favre Retiring: Whatever. Fuck that old shit. I hope your land turns fallow, Favre. FALLOW!

Predraft Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

"Oblivion," by Mastodon. And holy living fuck does that band's new album BLOW UP MY SHIT. Even the concept behind it fucking rocks:

The album follows a quadriplegic who learned to astrally project and on his journey he flew too close to the sun, burning his umbilical cord which connected him to his body and he flew into oblivion. At the same time in Czarist Russia Rasputin and his cult were channeling spirits and brought the quadriplegic to their time. He explains his situation and foretells the assassination of Rasputin. Inevitably Rasputin is assassinated and Rasputin guides him back to his body.

Why does the quadriplegic have an umbilical cord attaching his spectral body to his physical body? BECAUSE THAT'S FUCKING METAL, THAT'S WHY.

These guys aren't fucking around. This isn't like some typical boring metal shit where the band changes time signatures seven times mid-song without giving the song any kind of real foundation. Like old Metallica, Mastodon creates songs that echo classical music in terms of scope and structure. You could listen to "Crack the Skye" dozens of times and still find new things on each successive listen. That's what great albums do. They invite you to come live inside the music. They have songs you want to learn in your mind inside and out. To this day, I can still replay in my head the entirety of Metallica's "Master of Puppets" from start to finish. Every lyric. Every riff. And that's what I want to do with this incredibly badass piece of work.

Say, how exactly does Mastodon pull off a concept album like this? Acid. Lots of acid.

The Mastodon brain trust of Hinds and Dailor get their weird lyrical ideas the old-fashioned way: "It comes from us doing too much acid," Hinds says. "Acid is the best drug in the world. It did the most amazing things for my creative psyche, and it still is doing it for me."

Seeking refuge from an operatically awful childhood, drummer-lyricist Dailor tripped almost nonstop from the age of 14 until his early 20s. "I went to high school on acid," he recalls. "Droppers filled with liquid acid on my tongue and just going for it, fully exiting what I consider to be an earthly plane. And when the acid wore off, I had a connection with that kind of music, with Frank Zappa and Yes and King Crimson."

I want to do acid now. I really do.

Embarassing Mixtape Track I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"Candy," by Iggy Pop and Kate Pierson. Fun fact: if you shaved Madonna's head and Iggy Pop's head, they'd look exactly alike. Oh, Kate Pierson. I have no doubt you were a stone cold tigress in the bedroom back in the day.

Ten Quick Ways To Improve The Draft Telecast
1. Increase the number of prospects invited to New York to 30. Make them all sit on stage until their name is called to step up.
2. Wiretap all draftees' cell phones.
3. Fire everyone on ESPN set but Tirico and Kiper.
4. All draft picks announced by drunken fans of respective teams and/or Chairman Kaga from Iron Chef.
5. Force the Top 10 prospects to live in a house together between the combine and the draft and film it. Right before the draft, have them each vote on who they think should be the top pick (they can't vote for themselves). Winner with the most votes gets $500,000.
6. Tits (preferably Kelli Croyle's).
7. Announce combine drug test results right before draft begins.
8. Force teams to show their draft boards once the draft has ended.
9. All seventh round picks decided by fan poll.
10. Ritual Pussycat Doll sacrifice to hooded cobra.

Nazi Shark's Vegas Futures Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

"This week, I like the Saints at 10:1 to win the NFC title next year. Kudos to Bernie Madoff for Jewing so many rich Jews out of their hard-swindled Jew money. I wholly support this new epidemic of Jew-on-Jew wallet violence."

Great Moments In Sports Poop History
Reader cowbell204 sends in this poop story. Take it away, fair reader.

"A couple of years ago when I was a junior in college, I drove down to Bloomington to see and Iowa-Indiana football game. On my way back, I'm driving on a pretty empty stretch of Interstate when I realize i have a poop coming. I figure, "no big deal, I'll stop at the next exit". 15 minutes pass with no gas stations/rest stops. I'm trying to drive and not die while clenching my ass. Realizing that shitting my pants is favorable over death, I shit myself going 75 mph on I-35.

"After driving 10 more miles while trying not to sit on what felt like warm ice cream, I pulled over at a gas station to find shit leaked out of my pants and onto the seat. Waddling into the bathroom, I duck into a stall to find my underwear and shorts are encased in poop, after using half a roll of tp to clean myself off, I threw my underwear away and got back on the road. Having to work when I got home, I pulled off at the next rest stop to change out of my shitty shorts into clean pants."

The question there is: Why didn't you pull over and poop on the side of the road? You could have pulled over, opened the right two side doors to create and makeshift stall partition, and dropped trou between them. Alas, you stuck yourself with a poopy car seat. To counteract car poop, I strongly recommend the "New Car Smell" tree car freshener. As car fresheners go, "New Car Smell" is the winner. Never get Cherry Vanilla. You'll regret it, I assure you.

Draft-time Snack Of The Week

Blister peanuts! You can get those fuckers at Trader Joe's. It almost is worth the douche stigma of going to Trader Joe's. According to the nut literature:

"Generations ago folks soaked peanuts in water to removed the red skins prior to roasting. This caused the peanuts to 'blister' during roasting, resulting in an incomparable crunch."

It's true. Those things are none more crunchy. I had no idea you could make peanuts even better simply by giving them third degree burns. We should do that with all foods, like almonds. And baby calves.

Draft-time Beer Of The Week

Genesee! This old Genesee ad from 1958 combines two things I've always adored: shitty beer and horrible Asian stereotypes. Genesee with fortune cookie? YOU CLAZY, STERRPID AMELLICAN!

Robert Evans' Top Pick Watch!
Who's gonna go in top slot? Legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans joins us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.

"Baby, your top pick in Saturday's draft is Matthew Stafford! I like the cut of his jib. Young? You bet! Impulsive? You know it, baby. Reminds me of my early days on the Paramount lot. I remember meeting this one tour guide from Georgia. Had an ass made of helium. Tits like two fresh sourdough rolls. I took her to an alley between two of the sound stages and gave her a taste of the Kid. Fucked her until she was red on the ass. Upon seeing her rosy backside, I shouted out, 'TORO!', as I am often prone to doing.

"Little did I know a producer was watching us from a nearby window. Surprised? You bet! Embarassed? Not a chance. And that's how Evans ended up getting the role of Pedro in The Sun Also Rises, gang!"

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Cowboys And Panthers Fans (No First Round Picks)

Shoot To Kill. I forgot how shitty this movie was. Tom Berenger looks like the lead singer of Loverboy here. And you really haven't lived until you've seen the great Sidney Poitier make goofy faces to scare off a grizzly bear. You can actually see him losing his precious dignity around the 90-second mark. Speaking of Sidney…

BONUS Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Cowboys And Panthers Fans (Hey, It's A Long Draft)
Sneakers. "Hello. My name is Werner Brandes. My voice is my passport. Verify me." Restaurant drive-thru speakerbox cashiers are not amused when you repeat this line over and over to them.

I find Sneakers to be an exceedingly pleasant and watchable movie. The only thing that bothered me about it was when everyone on Redford's team at the end starts demanding shit from James Earl Jones. Whistler only wants peace on earth? Bullshit. If I'm a blind guy, I'm demanding some of the government's secret robot eye implants. And all River Phoenix wants is some broad's phone number? Like someone who looks like River Phoenix would need top secret government intervention to help score hot Fed pussy. Not a chance, my friend.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for seventeen stab wounds in the back."

Draft-time Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Egotastic brings you nude stills of Jessica Biel's strip scenes from the movie Powder Blue. (NSFW) I find it immensely gratifying when an actress not only gets naked in a film, but gets naked the way you'd like them to get naked. Look at Biel here. Back arched? Ass out? That's good nudity. No lying on a bed with her nipple grazing the corner of the screen bullshit for her. We salute you, Jessica.
-For the gals: Some ripped dude in a blue swimsuit. It's like Dr. Manhattan come to life!

Your Motivational Pre-draft Quote For The Weekend
"Don't be lost when the time comes, for the day of the Lord cometh like a thief in the night!"
-Rev. Cleophus James

Enjoy the draft, everyone. See you back here in September.

B.J. Raji, Vontae Davis, Clay Matthews and Brian Cushing were among the players who were reported to have tested positive for either marijuana or steroids during their examination at the NFL combine. However, now that the list of positive tests has been given to NFL teams it appears that everyone who denied the reports was telling the truth—their names are not on the list. (PFT even says their were fewer than ten names on the list in total.) Oops.

Sports Illustrated was among those who reported that Raji had failed his test, but they took down the story from their website after Raji's strenuous denials, saying they needed "further reporting." The mysterious NFLDraftBible.com still has their posts about the positive tests up on their site and it does not appear that they have posted a retraction or update at this time.

We're going to assume that NFL teams are smart enough not to get their scouting information from blogs—that's a generous assumption, of course—and none of these guys will be affected come draft day. Still, another awesome notch on the belt for basement dwelling rumor-mongers everywhere.

Davis, Cushing, Matthews Not On Positive List, Either [ProFootballTalk]
Raji Didn't Test Positive [ProFootballTalk]
No Positive, Failed Combine Drug Test for BJ Raji, Cushing, Matthews, V Davis [Midwest Sports Fans]
Maybe B.J. Raji Isn't A Dopehead [Deadspin]

It might seem a little invasive, but this isn't completely outside the scope of what many multi-million dollar businesses do when they recruit prospective employees and plan on paying them large sums of money. However, in this case, the NFL's red flags are the things that may or may not end up on a blog some place like racist status updates or incriminating drunk photos. Stuff like that. The bait used in most of these "ghosting" tactics is usually a young, attractive girl, proclaiming her undying admiration for the player. Most of the time, players bite. Then, right after the draft, just like Keyser Soze, poof, the winsome lady has vanished.

Robinson spoke to many NFL personnel sources for the piece and most of them were not apologetic about the practice. Most were just anonymous.

"Twenty years ago, if you weren't getting a lot from a [college team's] coaching staff or a family, you might put weeks into gathering good information on a couple guys," the personnel source said. "Now, we can do a lot of it in a few days. We can sit down with 20 guys that we might be looking at, and have a pile of pictures and background things to hit them with. And every once in a while you come across something that probably saves you from making a big mistake. Not as much as you might think, but if it happens every couple years, it keeps you ahead of the game."

It would be interesting to see how some of the more infamous internet photos of certain players would have impacted their draft spots. Would Leinart drop out of the first round? Would Roethlisberger? Would Kyle Orton be institutionalized?

Social networking a potential trap for prospects [Yahoo Sports]