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Fourth Quarter

I'm pretty sure I did the live blogging work of eight virgins this weekend. Monday morning, like a good hangover, I might be going on about how I won't be doing that for a while. But before I go, let's give a big round of applause to Winkles the Sockpuppet, for making quite a showing this weekend. Did you have fun this weekend? [violently nods yes] Good, so did we.

0:00 — Jessica Simpson text messages Eli Manning.

0:09 — R.W. McQuarters catches the 4th down pass in the end zone. But R.W. McQuarters plays for the Giants. Holy sweet Christ, Wade Phillips is gonna be poked with a stick by Jerry Jones all offseason.

0:16 — Romo overthrows Crayton in the end zone. 4th down.

0:21 — Nailed by Osi Umenyiora as he throws, Romo's pass is incomplete to bring up third down.

0:24 — A false start hurts the comeback, then a short pass to Witten doesn't go far, and forward progress keeps the clock running. Dallas invokes their final timeout.

0:31 — Jerry Jones is now on the sidelines. PRESSURE.

0:31 — There's a pass completion to Witten. They don't call a timeout, but Justin Tuck for the Giants is on the field, hurt, so NY will have to use one of their own. A half-minute to move 22 yards.

1:06 — Barber gets stuffed by his own lineman short of the first down. Whoops.

1:50 — Crayton returns the punt into New York's side of the field. I think we can officially say that Sunday's football was exponentially more awesome than Saturday's.

2:00 — So that's where Tank Johnson went. Same team as Terry Glenn. I'm learning so much this afternoon. Johnson completes the three-and-out by sacking Manning, and the 'Boys didn't even have to lay a pinky on their one precious timeout.

3:54 — Did they almost fail to get the play off again, after a timeout? The 3rd and 20 deep throw to the end zone falls harmlessly on blue-painted turf, now Dallas punts and again needs stop the Giants from gaining a couple of first downs.

Some woman in a Cadillac commercial with an undecipherable accent — we'll leave it at "exotically marketable" — complains that some study showed women buy cars because of the cup holders. Just for the record, I bought my Honda Civic not solely because of the cup holders, but they sure didn't hurt the sale.

4:03 — They can't get the snap off in time, prompting usage of a timeout. Romo is about to lose his shit, if he has any left at this point.

4:09 — That yellow flag is taking more beatings than [completely tasteless domestic violence joke]. Now Romo gets called for intentional grounding. If he had the same ability as David Carr, the grounding would still be intentional but at least Romo would have an excuse.

4:16 — After an illegal formation penalty negated a first down, Romo went deep, but Corey Webster for masturbation illegal use of hands.

6:11 — Tony Romo just got sacked for 14 yards, but it was a fun 14 yards.

8:01 — Patrick Crayton isn't muffing every punt. But this is one of those times. Cowboys still recover it, though.

11:35 — Despite Andre Gurode having difficulty snapping the ball under center, Romo is making some incredible plays and the wideouts are impressively making catches. (Read: Patrick Crayton isn't dropping any more passes. Okay, Patrick Crayton isn't dropping every pass.)

13:29 — Jacobs runs in for a touchdown, then chucks the ball at ... the play clock? I don't understand the significance. Otherwise, I'd wonder where the excessive celebration penalty is.

Third Quarter

1:10 — Patrick Crayton ruins another silly Tony Romo scramble play by dropping the pass that could have gone for maybe 40 or 50 yards. Joe Buck: "Maybe some of these other players should have gone to Mexico." How do you know they didn't? We just didn't hear about them because nobody gives a Mexican jumping fuck about Patrick Crayton's personal life. Dallas has to punt now, and New York returns the ball almost into field goal range.

2:18 — Leonard Davis gets himself a big ol' 15-yard penalty for hitting Michael Strahan who was already on the ground. How is that a penalty? That should actually be a reward.

5:18 — DeMarcus Ware has something in his teeth. Better jar it loose, because it has to call the next play for the Giants.

6:57 — Ah, there's that "lack of execution on third down" that all the kids are talking about these days. Nick Folk caps the drive's diminuendo with three points.

10:01 — Hey, Dallas, wanna fail at a third down conversion sometime? No? All right, carry on.

13:03 — The Fox cameras aim right into Jerry Jones' suite. You can almost see the lightning bolts propped up against his wall in case he needs to smite down any players who blow the game.

I don't know if Terrell Owens and Doug Free are prepared to handle the Giants defense, but they do look they perfected The Worm. Somewhere, Johnnie Morton is smiling.

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Second Quarter

0:07 — Manning zips it to Toomer right in the middle of the field, and suddenly the game became tied somehow. I, for one, am shocked that Roy Williams would push and shove anybody after the whistle.

0:28 — Smith catches another one, and this time his head has no choice but to turn left thanks to Reeves tugging on the mask. Now Eli can just heave ugly throws into the end zone and see if anyone wants to catch it.

0:34 — Even the football fluttered in the air like a poorly-knit beanbag, Manning's throw connects with Steve Smith for 22 yards.

0:53 — Barber appears to have made it into the end zone. They're reviewing it, but i highly doubt it gets reversed. And instinct turns out to be accurate.

6:15 — Terry Glenn receives a little standing ovation for nabbing his first catch all year, which goes for a first down. I had no idea Terry Glenn was hurt, let alone back from injury.

So now the pregnant lady is teasing her husband with a bite of her Taco Bell taco? If he wanted a taco so badly, then he should have made the Taco Bell run himself so he could have... wait a sec. The guy's just an idiot. But I don't know who's a bigger idiot — the father-to-be in the commercial, or the nutjob deconstructing a commercial for fast food.

9:14 — Romo scrambles for a few yards, then some large linemen argue a little bit over whether it was a good idea for Romo to go to Mexico with Jessica Simpson, I'm assuming.

11:21 — Feagles has to punt again, and it's inside the 20, which'll put it inside the 10 after Sam Hurd was caught committing some type of unspeakable penalty.

13:32 — Greg Ellis, the NFL Comeback player of the year, came too quickly, which is usually a feat you don't want anyone to see, but everybody saw him go offsides on a 3rd down for New York. The drive goes on.

14:56 — The first play of the quarter, and Owens grabs a touchdown in the side of the end zone. A cute widdle kid gets the ball handed to him D'awwww. Coughlin's Red Flag Of Objection gets tossed onto the field. The challenge was unsuccessful.

First Quarter

2:36 — Marion Barber: Episode 3 effectively doubles Dallas's offensive yardage with a huge 36-yard run.

4:13 — It took over 10 minutes, but Tony Romo has a pass completion to Terrell Owens.

5:03 — Starting to lose interest already, and we're not even 15 minutes through this. Feagles had a snazzy coffin-corner punt, and Dallas will start at the 4-yard line.

10:10 — Dallas refuses to pick up a first down on their own merit, so they punt.

11:50 — Amani Toomer just caught and ran 52 yards for the touchdown. A fine start for N'yawk.

13:25 — Eli Manning's first pass of the game, and he throws it to ... a large vacant area. Large Vacant Area now has one catch for 23 yards.

Pregame Babble

We won't have our Manning Bowl. But a 2004 NFL Draft Blockbuster Trade bowl is still within reach. Unfortunately it doesn't have the same ring as Manning Bowl. But Peyton Manning can dedicate the extra time to practice his Oreo consumption, so that by next year... wait, this is about the Giants and Cowboys, isn't it?

I have no idea what to make of this game. My brain could simply be fried from the entire weekend, but I don't think anybody knows if Tony Romo can shake off the demons from last year, or if Eli Manning can recreate the performance from last year.

The FOX NFL studio foursome, they all pick Dallas. Wow, these are some creative predictions here. Frank Caliendo as President Bush also picks Dallas. Could we pass legislation to limit Caliendo spurts on TV to no more than 60 seconds? Whichever candidate does that this year has my vote. Please earmark a ban on calling them "the New York Football Giants." No need to discern anymore, it's no longer 1882.

All right. On Friday I actually said the Giants will somehow manage the upset. I don't want to go back on that, because already had our shocker for the afternoon, but I'm a man of my word, so Giants by 5.

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Fourth Quarter

0:00 — Kneel, kneel. Cue the Dungy retirement rumors, for some reason.

0:58 — Manning floats one over the defender, but Clark flubs the catch. That means San Diego wins. Philip Rivers celebrates by taunting the fans behind him. People he'll never see again. That's fantastic showmanship by the guy who didn't lead the 4th quarter comeback.

1:03 — Reggie Wayne got pulverized by the safety on that incompletion. I never thought I'd say this, but the Colts appear to be running out of wide receivers with functional limbs. It's fourth down.

1:30 — Christ, Mike Scifres catapulted that punt almost 80 yards (66 effective) and the Colts have a way to go.

1:42 — Turner gets popped at the line of scrimmage, Colts call time out, Indy has one more shot at this. The mantra worked, we have our full 60-minute interesting game.

1:52 — The Bolts are relying on Michael Turner to run all the way to the 17-yard line, and they should secure the win. He's four yards away.

2:01 — Whoa! Pressure finally gets to the quarterback, and he has to unload prematurely (heh, heh). San Diego takes over, but the Colts have all their touchdowns.

2:06 — Another fourth down, this one about five yards away from a touchdown.

2:58 — As if it mattered, Manning to Clark secures the 4th down play, but Phillips mistook Clark's face mask for an Etch-A-Sketch, and 15 more yards go onto the end of that completion.

3:10 — Manning's constructing a drive without Joseph Addai, and now without Marvin Harrison. Deep balls to Devin Aromashodu and Reggie Wayne failed, bringing up 4th down for Indy.

4:50 — Nobody ever doubted Billy Volek. And why would they? He sneaks it in from a half-yard out. Damn.

7:55 — A Volek incompletion is negated by Marlin Jackson pushing Chris Chambers face mask in such away that made it a penalty. That's 15 yards and a new first down instead of a punt, which Isiah Thomas informed me is a pet ... never mind.

8:13 — Did Shawne Merriman just try to get the crowd pumped up a little on third down?

9:50 — Good throw by Volek to Chambers for a first down. Good protection, actually.

10:11 — You know, I'd love to see Rivers come back into this game any time now. I wonder how we can ... 55 yard pitch and catch to Anthony Gonzalez? Sure, that'll work. But wait, did he go out of bounds? Probably not, but humorist Dave Barry coach Norv Turner wants a review. Yeah, that thing stands.

11:03 — Billy Volek completes a three-and-out drive.

12:02 — Welcome back to the sideline, Philip Rivers. He jogs out on his own, and apparently that makes him tough. It's not like he just got a vasectomy. This doesn't mean he's coming back into the game. And why would he? Billy Volek is fully capable of three-and-outs too.

Okay, so after seeing the replay, Rivers wasn't celebrating. He just fell down. I gave him too much credit, and I retract my earlier comments.

14:09 — We're evidently going to see the teams alternate big penalties. First the PI, then a personal foul on a Colts offensive lineman, now defensive holding on Drayton Florence. It's time for the Colts to see if they can get a roughing the kicker penalty. I know Nate Kaeding's on the sideline. Doesn't mean they can't give him the business at this very moment.

14:41 — So I looked up who the backup QB is for San Diego. I was hoping for Craig Whelihan, but I'll settle for Billy Volek. That's comical enough.

14:48 — The Chargers get flagged for pass interference. That'll hurt.

Philip Rivers hobbles to the locker room, but not before he jaws with Colts fans down the sideline. What trash could possibly be talked? "No, douche, I'm not really hurt. Your mom is hurt. When I banged her in the ass!"

Did ... did the Colts fans just boo a 14-year-old girl who won Punt Pass and Pick because she was wearing a Patriots jersey? Wow, I wasn't aware asshattery was within the parameters of the Indianapolis way of life. I'm impressed.

Third Quarter

I do think Philip Rivers did his best Bill Gramatica impression, hurting himself after jumping up in celebration. Ah, I see how it works. Confuse the masses with poised pass plays by Philip Rivers, addle them further with a Sproles run, then bring it all back home with that. Well played, NFL.

0:00 — Darren Sproles replaces Turner at running back, then catches a screen pass and darts 56 yards for the touchdown. The confusion continues to mount over here.

1:09 — The Chargers try to pull off the "fake false start" but it fools nobody and winds up being a delay of game.

Dan Dierdorf continues to rub the replay in the referee's face, like he just took a dump on the 1-yard line. "See? Right there. No. Bad referee."

3:19 — Reggie Wayne catches it in the flat, dekes out the defender, and dives for the end zone. Really? They say he didn't get in? I disagree, kind sir. Tony Dungy throws out the red flag to try and get the call reversed. It's a dandy little gewgaw, the red flag. Ten years ago you couldn't use the red flag in the NFL. You had to use a $100 bill, but to keep it discrete they wrapped it in a red flag. And ... yes, it's reversed. Rightfully so.

3:41 — Uh, what just happened? Indy quickly tried to catch San Diego substituting lackadaisically and Kenton Keith just got hammered, but SD was offsides. A rather clever ruse by those Horseshoes, and they're almost back where they were before the second interception.

6:07 — They've successfully scraped up Bob Sanders' bone marrow in time for play to resume, and Rivers ends the drive with a three-and-out.

6:14 — Bob Sanders isn't getting up. That's a synchronous "rut roh" across Colts fans.

7:10 — Well, shucks. Manning's pass gets racketed around by various hands and lands in the arms of a Chargers defender at the 2-yard line.

7:50 — The Colts move all the way down to inside the 10-yard line. Although I guess physically inside the line would require one to be of microscopic height.

11:23 — Chris Chambers didn't have to make a spectacular catch. Rivers put that ball exactly where it needed to be. Now San Diego has the lead, and my full interest.

(Photo from Viewimages.)

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Second Quarter

0:03 — What we just had here was the play of the game. Manning's throw was deflected and intercepted by Antonino Cromartie. Even though a holding play negated the touchdown, he ran 89 yards into the end zone. If nothing else, it was amusing to see if Peyton Manning would be able to overcome two Chargers blockers and take down Cromartie. Rivers kneels and it's sandwich time.

0:36 — Indianapolis aims to get within field goal range, and they appear to be doing that with little resistance.

1:46 — Nate Kaeding rattles the crossbar, unfortunately field goals only count if they go between the two yellow posts. Bob Sanders practically hops on Kaeding's back after that play, visually expressing his pleasure in Kaeding's humiliation, which I'm pretty sure you can't do. Sure enough, Sanders gets a taunting penalty. The field goal miss still counts, and the Colts just get backed up 10-ish yards.

1:50 — Now Rivers is on a roll. Two straight incompletions.

1:56 — Rivers' first true incompletion. Vegas sportsbooks had that line all wrong.

3:38 — Rivers makes his eighth completion, this one to Vincent Jackson, who has half of them. He's 8-for-9, with that lone bad pass being an interception. Technically, every one of his passes have been caught.

5:14 — I was going to whisper Vinatieri's name, but he's just getting a field goal, so I'll have to think of something quieter than a whisper. How about closed captioning?

++++VINATERRY KICKS A FIELDGOAL, COLTS TAKE THE LAED++++++

6:05 — There's a shot of Colts offensive coordinator Tom Moore. I'm sorry, but Tom Moore doesn't look like a football guy. He has the casual gumption of a baseball manager.

8:44 — <whisper> ...jackson... </whisper>

9:41 — The crowd noise has officially drained the San Diego reservoir of timeouts. They now have to conserve all remaining time by boiling it.

12:09 — After a delay of game, it almost happened again, but Rivers somehow scrambled throughout the pocket and threw a bad ball to convert a long first down. Zuh? Oh, then he followed that pass play with another pass play to Antonio Gates.

First Quarter

0:00 — Wait, that was the first quarter? Is it Monday? Oh, crap, I'm late for work.

0:54 — Now Harrison touches the ball. But... ooh, not for long. After the catch, Harrison drops it, and San Diego fans feel a sense of hope and optimism. And that's when they realized now Rivers will handle the football.

3:08 — Marvin Harrison hasn't touched the ball yet, but Manning's already 9-for-9 in passing. Just like Tom Brady!

6:24 — I should type faster. Rivers throws to a guy in a blue jersey named Kelvin Hayden. Norval Turner wants a review, because the ball might've been moving around between his hands and torso. The ref, after review, disagrees and confirms that Philip Rivers just killed their opening drive and ruined Christmas.

6:35 — San Diego, too, advances the ball succesfully past midfield. Rivers looked un-Riversly on a big pass to Vincent Jackson, then a nice screen pass to Tomlinson.

I totally didn't expect a new Peyton Manning commercial during the Colts game. But in all seriousness, I didn't expect Eli Manning to be in it as well. Licking Oreos for sport seems more like a Cooper Manning thing.

9:13 — <whisper> ...clark... </whisper>

12:11 — After moving the ball well past midfield, Manning gets shoestring sacked by Shawne Merriman, and is it? Yes, it's that frilly little dance.

Pregame Babble

Absolutely nobody on TV appears to be picking San Diego to win. Nor are they thinking it's going to be close. That's what I was afraid of. I was kind of hoping for one of those "interesting games," you know, the ones where the announcers during fourth quarter are talking about the fourth quarter and not about what the losing team has to do next year to return to the playoffs.

That's not to say I'm calling a San Diego upset. In fact, I don't think I'm going to call any upsets for the rest of the playoffs. I'll take the Colts by 8.

We don't know if Belichick's playbook is rife with misspellings, but we do know that his team will be ... hey, wait just a second. Maybe that's the secret to a perfect season. Misspell everything in the playbook. Oh that genius.

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Fourth Quarter

0:00 — 17-0*

* - One of those wins was not in the regular season.

0:22 — Jacksonville gets the ball back on a punt, basically being teased at this point.

2:00 — So Joe Montana gets his own diner in a commercial, even though he's a Hall of Fame quarterback and doesn't need the income. Yet Eric Crouch is probably delivers pizzas for a living somewhere and... nothing.

2:18 — Dante Stallworth's first down just about wraps this game up. All the love and adoration may now be unloaded on Brady, Welker, and the defense. And deservingly so. Jacksonville played a mostly awesome game.

4:08 — Complete! To the wrong guy! Garrard has an offseason to digest mull that interception to Rodney Harrison. Maybe for a split second, Garrard thought his team wore blue. Maybe this is a peek into a super-double-dog-secret uniform change for Jacksonville in 2008. Maybe.

4:17 — Oh, let's do another fourth down play. Why not?

4:34 — Gutsy Impressive play by Garrard completing to Dennis Northcutt for the first down. Asante Samuel gets a 15-yard "play nice" foul for apparently punching the football out of Northcutt's hands out of bounds, taking out a lifetime of broken childhood dreams. Save the aggression for the flight attendant.

4:42 — Jacksonville is forced to try a 4th down play inside their own 40. Outlook isn't so good for underdog well-wishers.

6:39 — Gostkowski's field goal puts the lead back at a touchdown*.

* - Would have to cheat and score the rare four-point conversion.

6:43 — Wes Welker drops a 3rd and 1 pass. I don't think the blonde chick in that KFC commercial saw that coming. Then again, she didn't see the roofie in her drink slipped in by her male friend either.

8:22 — Oh, there's that big pass play I've hard so much about. Brady threw it to Dante Stallworth who didn't even have to break stride. That went for 53 yards. Randy Moss, by the way, has just one catch for 14 yards.

9:47 — Scobee's field goal, after Matt Jones couldn't grab a third down catch, puts the game within a "touchdown"

12:18 — Another impressive catch, this one coming from Reggie Williams, just barely getting his hands underneath the ball and just barely eliciting a dick joke. He just kind of laid on the ground for a second or two before being playfully tapped by someone in the Patriots secondary.

14:31 — Ernest Wilford hauls in a very tough third down catch, then takes a late hit and improves field position by 15 more yards.

Third Quarter

0:00 — Jacksonville closes out the quarter with the ball, but at the 7-yard line. That's disheartening, because it's not like they can go that far to score a touch ... do ... wn ...

0:51 — Tom Brady just sort of stands around, like a panhandler, then makes a conscious decision to try a "forward pass." Benjamin Watson, standing around in the endzone like a different kind of panhandler, is grateful. Here comes that lead we've been hearing so much about.

3:29 — Well, after a questionable roughing-the-dreamboat penalty, Maroney turns a draw play into, oh, let's say 29 yards. That's what GameCenter says. (Note to self: Don't just go over to GameCenter entirely. It's full of boring statistics, with none of the love.)

4:14 — After David Garrard was thrown around between Rodney Harrison and Mike Vrabel just long enough, Josh Scobee salvages the drive with a 39-yard field goal. Meh. Points are points.

8:49 — It doesn't appear that Jacksonville, in their halftime adjustments, installed a cover-white-guy defense. Wes Welker had four receptions on that drive, including the touchdown.

11:20 — Until Maroney runs for another 20-or-so yards.

12:49 — Doing what they did their last drive — okay, not the one-play drive where they knelt, because that would be silly — the Patriots are just putting together good-but-not-too-good plays in succession.

I'm remaining staunch to a two-touchdown victory for New England. But I think I speak for all underdog lovers by admitting Jacksonville pulling out this win has a much better chance of happening.

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Hey, stop looking at this live blog. This is the one you want to see.

Second Quarter

0:08 — Kneeldown. Toilet break.

0:21 — But they don't have plenty of yards. It's fourth down, and Jacksonville will try this quirky play called "the punt" where they kick the ball down the field and a Patriots guy catches it. It's like a kickoff, only there was no scoring involved the play before. I explain this because we haven't seen this in the game yet.

0:54 — Ooh. Gostkowski's kick misses the post by about a foot on the outside. Jacksonville has plenty of time to move into field goal range of their own, since they have two timeouts.

0:57 — Joan Rivers in a GEICO commercial, you say? Progressive it is.

2:00 — New England won't let Jacksonville touch the ball for the rest of the half, it appears. They'll take a 3-point lead if they have to.

3:06 — The Patriots are putting together one of the most boring impressive drives in the playoffs so far. Their longest play of the drive is 12 yards ... check that, 13, now that Wes Welker ran the reverse. That play just jolted a skosh of excitement into the drive.

7:46 — Ernest Wilford runs inward, outward, and frees himself to catch the equalizing touchdown. I do believe we just saw a 95-yard drive in New England. Strap yourselves in, children of the Internet. At the rate this game's going, the final exciting play might be Tom Brady running, throwing, catching, fumbling, recovering, and returning his own touchdown pass with 0:00 on the final clock. (Suddenly I am craving Waffle House hash browns. I don't know why.)

11:26 — As bad as the drive began (and there was almost another fumble earlier by Marcedes Lewis), Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor are moving the ball downhill extremely well. They've already moved 80 yards on this drive, including a half-the-distance face mask penalty.

14:57 — Maurice Jones-Drew incorrectly chooses to see if Gostkowski's kickoff goes out of bounds. He just barely recovers the muff at the 5-yard line before he's piled on by oncoming special teamers. I can't say this is amazing field position.

15:00 — Like you didn't know this was going to happen. Maroney waltzes for the one-yard touchdown. I didn't catch the camera shot, but Belichick probably looks PISSED.

First Quarter

0:00 — New England has moved all the way to the final yards and so far we're on par for not only the number of points in the game, but also the number of Belichick grimaces following great Patriots plays.

3:30 — Ty Warren's helmet gets into Garrard's hands, and the ball spills into Mike Vrabel's torso. The Patriots have 30-ish yards between them and a 7-point lead.

5:01 — I totally saw that. Brady beckoned Benjamin Watson to break off his route so the defender would whiz by, leaving him open-ish to catch the touchdown. We're tied again. So far, so interesting.

9:22 — Phil Simms is still on Belichick for not challenging, not realizing he's the brash kind of coach that knows he's going to win by 35 already, so what's seven points between rivals?

9:55 — The sack is followed by a checkdown pass to Maroney for about 30 yards.

10:37 — It's first down New England, Brady gets wrapped up by a defender, but keeps the ball and goes down for the sack. And here I thought every quarterback today was able to create a crazy first down play moments before collapsing to the turf.

10:50 — It's 3rd and goal, and Garrard stays in the pocket for a while, finally steps forth and gets tackl... wow, he got it out in time, and Matt Jones catches it wide open for the touchdown. Belichick brandishes the "you suck ref" flag, but chooses not to use it to double-check if Garrard's knee was down before he threw the ball. Yet again the underdog away team scores early.

12:10 — Already on 4th down, the Jags offense stays on the field on the 42 yard line. Garrard looks back ... wow, Marcedes Lewis is open deep, and Garrard finds him. Gutsy Nice play.

15:00 — Jacksonville starts with the ball. They say the first offensive play can dictate how the rest of the game will unfold, so it's very important to pay attention. And it's a ... five yard run. I don't have that on my astrology chart. Shit.

Pregame Babble

Everyone outside of Boston probably wants to see an upset, even if it's out out of spite, but rather they just want to see one of those timeless upsets. Jacksonville has the components to do that, but that's assuming New England dusts off the playbook they used against Philadelphia and Baltimore. They burned that one long ago.

How about a comment from ESPN?

"Maybe the Pats can be beaten, but not by these guys. In fact, I'm insulted that you even think this might be close."

I might want to make a prediction. A Jaguars upset means that Jacksonville played an exceptional game, as opposed to the Patriots played as if Matt Cassel was in at quarterback. So that's the kind of game I want to see, but something tells me New England keeps it close in the first half, then drives away in the third quarter, just like last game. Patriots by 13.

• James Brown's interview with David Garrard talks about his battle with Crohn's Disease and how they had to surgically remove a foot of his intestine. Knowing this, please take offense if the announcer says that Garrard, after a great play, is a gutsy quarterback.

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Fourth Quarter

0:00 — Matt Hasselbeck begins again answering Brett Favre's fan mail.

1:09 — Sign(s) in crowd: "♥ Oh Brett ♥" / "♥ Never leave us ♥" Don't worry. When the Packers are 3-13 and still toughing out Favre retirement rumors, he'll still be there for you.

2:00 — I see no forthcoming reasons to watch any more of this game. If you call Pizza Hut now, you might get your order by the start of the Patriots-Jaguars game.

8:03 — Another football goes right through Pollard's hands on a 4th and 10 play that just might shut down the Espresso Machine of Hope for Seattle in this game. Green Bay takes over at their own 40.

8:14 — Oh, that's what happened to Charles Woodson.

8:28 — Hasselbeck tries to throw to his left, but the ball somehow goes backward. After several players tried jumping on the ball, nobody could recover it and it skips out of bounds. Even though the referee called it an incomplete pass — something I highly question — the football grew legs and ran out of the stadium. It's resting comfortably at an EconoLodge in Racine.

12:06 — Tony Siragusa accidentally ingested his microphone. Frankly everyone involved got a good deal.

12:08 — Up three scores, Ryan Grant's probably going to see the ball a lot. Another big gain and he's almost at 200 yards.

Oh, Christ. Fox, there are other arena songs besides "Bang On The Drum All Day." If I hear that one more time, I'm deleting it from my iTunes.

13:26 — Touchdown. Ryan Grant doesn't want to work, he just wants to bang on that PA soundboard all day until they play something different.

14:13 — There should never be roughing penalties when it's this cold and snowing. The key to hitting the quarterback late is a matter of body warmth. Hill did Favre a favor there.

15:00 — It's first and goal at about ... [squints] about 16 metric snowballs from the goal line.

Third Quarter

0:44 — Ryan Grant has well over 150 yards in this game after that huge 42-yard run. The official total is 167 right now, and that's a Packers playoff record. That's six less than the Seahawks total offensive output, and more yards than Hasselbeck alone has passing.

1:48 — Clearly in a PETA-inspired move, Tony Siragusa is wearing what appears to be a raccoon hide on his head.

2:48 — Josh Brown field goals the game to a manageable two-touchdown deficit. Although at this rate, it's five field goals.

3:38 — Hasselbeck throws to the corner for Marcus Pollard, but the ball sails through his hands. Apparently it's hard to see with all the snow. How? It's the one snowflake that's big, oval, and continues to get bigger.

6:49 — Shall I say it? Do you want to? Fine. "Something something ball, something something Atari Bigby on the play."

7:11 — The snow is getting thicker. "AND LEON'S GETTING L-L-L-L-L-LARGER!"

8:43 — Just when Seattle starts moving the ball in a desperate plea to return this game to something interesting, a holding call just might have choked the drive.

10:25 — Brandon Jackson catches a dumpoff pass and hurries down the sideline. This game, once thought fun, is becoming Siragusa ugly.

11:54 — A long third down conversion from Favre to Jennings. The old man might be placing these passes perfectly, but the Packers receivers are doing a hell of a job moving down field for extra yards. That 20+-yard play is followed by another monster run courtesy of Ryan Grant. I wonder if Maurice Morris is going to try and fumble a couple times when they get the ball back, just to have an out of sight fourth quarter.

14:12 — Quick three-and-out by Seattle. That gives the offensive more time to huddle around Josh Brown's steaming trousers.

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We're done with this one. Time to move on to the second half.

Second Quarter

0:26 — Ryan Grant now has as many touchdowns as fumbles.

(For the record, my prediction was Packers 28, Seahawks 17 for the entire game. C'mon, improbable earthquake! Call the game on account of armageddon!)

1:08 — All right, if anyone thought the Brett Favre kid-fun-smile-gunslinger-improv shtick was overdone, shaddap. Favre should have fallen down three times and probably should have contracted hypothermia, but his shovel pass milliseconds from plunging to the ground was beyond impressive. I'm now gay for Brett Favre. I tried resisting, then he goes and does that. Curse you, old man, and your siren song.

4:35 — The FOX analyst is impressed by the running formation so much that he breaks out the Telestrator. "It makes a 'T'! Look!" I tried connecting the dots using the Gawker Media telestrator, but I got a V. Could be a bug. How come they always make a big deal when they see an old-school formation like the wishbone? I'd hate to see their pants tent if Morten Andersen ever walked onto the field wearing a leather helmet.

I don't care how hot a girl is. If she's that impressed by KFC boneless chicken wings, she's likely prone to stab herself in the eye with a straw on our first date. "MY CORNEA!" "Didn't see that coming."

"75 Degree Nuts" Brown kicks the 29-yard field goal through.

7:22 — If I don't feel like watching the game when Seattle has the ball, I can just cut and paste "something something ball, something something Atari Bigby on the play" and continue playing Nintendo DS, while none would be the wiser.

10:53 — An almost-blocked punt turns into a 15-yard roughing the punter penalty. That's kind of a tough call, because how do you get out of the way? Seattle's drive continues.

12:34 — Atari Bigby gets another strong hit, this time on Bobby Engram. When all you can do on snow is run fast and straight, nobody has the ability to get out of the way. We're gonna have some amazing hits in the middle of the field if this passing attack keeps up. So to avoid hard hits, the Seahawks run a designed "fumble and move forward a little" play, but it's 4th down.

13:22 — On 2nd and goal, Favre floats the ball to the corner, and Jennings makes the basket catch. Both the Lambeau Field PA and FOX telecast go with "Bang On The Drum All Day" for the outro music. For some reason, they never play "Piss Aaron."

14:54 — Well, now that it's a new quarter, I have all the confidence in the world that this time, the teams will be careful to tuck the ball away and have some nice, clean, fo... all right then. Atari Bigby just went Yar's Revenge on Marcus Pollard, jarring the ball loose, and Aaron Kampman moves the ball back inside the red zone.

First Quarter

0:00 — All right! Time to move to the other side of the field! Maybe now it won't ... nope. There's snow on this side too.

0:20 — Mike Carey calls a lineman for holding. I love his arm motion. It's got kind of a windup to it. Reminds me of a bitchslap. "Oh no you didn't just move your team back 10 yards."

1:06 — Grant is no longer Green Bay's next most promising janitor. He's won those cheesy fans back by tying the game. There shouldn't be this many points on a snowy field.

2:25 - Ryan Grant has two amazing runs in a row, and suddenly they're at the 1-yard line. This would not be the appropriate time for his third fumble.

During the Packers challenge, Tony Siragusa explains why it's slippery on the field. It's like Bill Nye for hopeless idiots. Next up: Tony Siragusa on why it's warm in Hawaii. Referee Mike Carey says they'll re-measure. And wow, they get the ball spotted further down the field, just enough to avoid 4th down.

4:46 — This is fantastic. Even the first down measurements are epic trials of coordination. I'm waiting for one of these guys to fall down.

5:04 — Favre's pass is dropped and flutters toward Jordan Babineaux's very being, but the ball might as well be a greased up Eskimo baby, because he can't hold onto it. Also, he falls over. Then a bookcase falls over, hitting another, and another. Thanks a lot, Jordan Babineaux. You ruined the entire library.

6:26 — Matt Hasselbeck's sacked. No he i— yes he — no, he throws i— wait... what the fuck just happened? Green Bay I mean, Seattle of course has to punt either way. The field is turning wintergreen, most likely some creative product placement, but it's not going to work. No sir. Wow... I really want some gum all of a sudden.

7:08 — Fantastic outside move by Greg Jennings inside the 10-yard line to fall into the end zone. It's no longer a laugher. More like a docudrama.

Green Bay's moving the ball extremely well through the air. James Jones catches a pass for a huge gain.

9:54 — Ryan Grant gets the ball and moves to the right. He falls all the way to the ground, ball intact. Biggest confidence-boosting small yard gain ever.

Green Bay gets another kickoff, and the ball ends with a nice little forward progress scrum. Away from the action, two opposing special teams players continue to push and grab each other. There's such a fine line between special teams blocking and impromptu hugging.

10:59 — And the Seahawks drive yet again into the end zone, and Hasselbeck strikes Bobby Engram in the back of the end zone for a touchdown. He appears to be forceout, so McCarthy cannot challenge the call at all. DO NOT QUESTION.

Packers take the kickoff, and Ryan Grant begins moving the ball on the field. Well, for a while. He puts the ball on the ground again. So that's two fumbles by Ryan Grant in the first 69 seconds. Ick. Seattle takes over just barely on Green Bay's side of the 50.

14:40 — Shaun Alexander begins and ends the drive with a one-yard touchdown. A shocking first 20 seconds.

Ryan Grant takes a swing pass in the flat, falls down, but gets back up because it's a live ball. Then he drops the ball, and it's picked up by Seattle and taken down to the 1-yard line.

15:00 — Matt Hasselbeck was not sent out to make the coin toss. So the Packers are going to take the ball first. I have no idea what their stance is on scoring.

Don't worry, Josh Scobey. Take your sweet time getting off the field. It's not like we're trying to play a game or anything here.

Pregame Babble

Tony Siragusa must be busy, what with sideline reporting and doing the voice for Futurama's Bender.

As Brett Favre was announced into the field, the wall of cheerleaders on either side was not perfectly aligned, but slightly curved so as to create a giant smile.

I really should have prepared a breakdown of the game, but you know how that goes. Quick, ESPN featured comment! Help us out here!

"Brett is past his PHYSICAL prime. Mentally, he's at his peak, I think." —Nance1347