Carson Palmer is listed as the emergency QB this week, which means he won't play unless Nos. 1 and 2 go down. The move means Harvard alum Ryan Fitzpatrick is starting. Look for a more intellectual level of ineptitude from the Bengals as they host Cleveland today. Fitzpatrick had that one great game in 2005 and been rightfully obscure ever since. Backing up Ryan is Carson's brother, Jordan.

Byes this week: Detroit, Indianapolis, Miami, New England, NY Giants, Seattle. Just so ya know.

The Rams do not have a bye, and their head coach is almost certainly fired on his way out. Scott Linehan probably needs to win today to save his job. So why the fuck is he starting Trent Green? Did Linehan do this on a dare? Is he banging Green's wife? Anyway, Steven Jackson and Torry Holt are pissed about it, so don't expect too much form St. Louis as they host Buffalo today.

Minnesota will have its backfield tandem ready. Chester Taylor and Adrian Peterson are both active for today, and will play.

Browns QB Derek Anderson will play; Browns receiver Donte' Stallworth will not.

Plaxico Burress is sitting out this next week because he skipped a practice, which is a nice departure for the Giants wide receiver, who usually just doesn't show up in big games.

The Raiders' Lane Kiffin is not dead yet. After beating Kansas City and losing at the last minute against Buffalo, the NFL's youngest head coach is still hanging around. If Al Davis pulls the trigger on Kiffin, it could be after a loss today against visiting San Diego. That would give any interim coach two weeks to get the house back in order, as the Raiders have a bye next week.

Matt Millen finally got his ass canned last week. Lions VP William Clay Ford said he would fire Millen if he had the authority, and apparently someone important took note. The ownership likes Rod Marinelli, so don't expect him to leave.

Going 4-0 in the preseason means nothing. Don't even mention it. I will stab you if you do.

Panthers head coach John Fox could have played Ned Beatty's character in the last Superman movie. Hopefully Hollywood will get him on speed-dial when they get around to remaking Deliverance.

Matt Bryant will kick for Tampa Bay today, despite the inexplicable death of his infant son Wednesday morning.

The Brian Billick Coors Light Commercials are almost as horrible as the Brian Billick offensive years in Baltimore. But this segment he did on the 8-man front for NFL Network was pretty solid.

Broncos QB Jay Cutler has diabetes. We get it. Call me when he gets engaged to an ex-Raiderette, as John Elway did last week.

And now, your slate of 1 PM games:

Cleveland at Cincinnati, CBS
Houston at Jacksonville, CBS
Atlanta at Carolina, FOX
Denver at Kansas City, CBS
San Francisco at New Orleans, FOX
Arizona at NY Jets, FOX
Green Bay at Tampa Bay, FOX
Minnesota at Tennessee, FOX

• Down eight to Washington with upwards of 20 seconds remaining, Tim Rattay threw the potential game-tying touchdown, but coach Ken Whisenhunt kept Big Daddy Drew's suicide pick intact by letting Anquan Boldin, who is such an ineffective quarterback he's actually a wide receiver, throw an incompletion on the two-point conversion. I haven't seen video of this, but I sure hope to, as it's truly a remarkable way to ensure loss to the Redskins. The Cardinals did recover the ensuing onside kick, but Neil Rackers is not a 55-yard-field goal type of dude. Redskins 21, Cardinals 19

• Even though Willis McGahee had himself a heck of a game, Buffalo moved to 2-1 with Trent Edwards as their starter. I am officially confused as to whether or not Baltimore is a good team. They're 0-2 on Sundays in which I control Deadspin. I trust the generous people of Baltimore can understand this is just a coincidence. Bills 19, Ravens 14

• The onslaught continued, but Miami was feisty enough to put up a few points at the end, showing what happens when New England puts in Matt Cassel at quarterback. See, nation, this is why the Patriots have to run up the score. Otherwise they lose. Opposing New England's methods is like opposing the glorious Burmese military junta. "Brady throws for | six more scores | that's why he gets | all the whores | Burma-Shave" Patriots 49, Dolphins 28

• A little "yessss" sounded in Joey Harrington's head as the body of Will Smith collided with Byron Leftwich, resulting in Bobby Petrino having to throw Harrington into the fourth quarter to complete the comeback. (Trust me, if Petrino could have used Brian Brohm today, he would have.) I didn't see the three Harrington-engineered drives that resulted in just one field goal, but I can only assume that he was a very nice guy even as the clock hit double-zero. Saints 22, Falcons 16

• I like typing sentences one will never get to type again, such as "Rob Bironas kicked eight field goals, overcoming Sage Rosenfels and his four touchdown passes." Titans 38, Texans 36

• Mike Nolan wore a tie for this!? Giants 33, 49ers 15

Five more games going on right now. Dallas-Minnesota seems to be the lesser of five evils.

HOU 17, CAR 14
What's with every wide receiver catching two TDs today? Steve Smith has a double, as does Andre Johnson.

CLE 27, CIN 21
I'm getting really fucking tired of Chad Johnson's all talk-no walk TD celebrations. He scored a touchdown, but bitched out of jumping in the Dawg Pound. Instead he just stood around lookin' like a confused freshman at his first day of high school.

IND 16, TEN 6
Bironas can't do it all by himself, damn it! C'mon, Titans.

TB 21, NO 0
If I were any good with MS Paint I would draw a picture of me scratching my head. Joey Galloway has two TDs for the Pirates.

STL 13, SF 7
Stephen Jackson has 43 yards, but still no trips to the end zone. Thank God he slipped to the eight round in my grandfather's fantasy league.

NYG 10, GB 7
Elisha has thrown 143 yards and a touchdown to Plaxico. You try doing that with a tampon in.

ATL 7, JAX 3
At one point today, Joey Harrington was your weekly NFL passing leader. The end is near.