Kids Wear The Darnedest Jerseys [Zoner Sports]

Dyshod Carter, a former cornerback for the Cardinals and Browns, was one of five people arrested earlier this week for attempting to purchase seven kilos of cocaine from an undercover DEA agent at the low, low Phoenix price of $16,000 a key.

The suspects were arrested Tuesday while attempting to complete the transaction, according to Ramona Sanchez, a special agent with the DEA in Arizona. Officials also seized a fully loaded AK-47 and $104,000 cash in a search of the suspect vehicles.

A kilo of coke has a street value of $15,000 to $16,000 in the Phoenix area, but the price sharply increases as you head toward the east coast, away from the U.S.-Mexico border, Sanchez said.

Thanks newspapers! Without you, I wouldn't know the regional fluctuations in cocaine prices.

/buys plane ticket to Phoenix, live blogs cocaine deal

Hard to ever tired of these.

(* Copyright New England Patriots, 2007)

Of course, a movie Wonder Woman has already been cast recently, but that doesn't leave Gisele out of the mix. Megan Gale will play WW in an upcoming Justice League of America movie, which is a whole separate deal. Here she is in a photo that is NSFW, comic book fans.

Wonder Woman Gisele Bundchen [Boston Globe]

A federal judge on Thursday ordered imprisoned quarterback Michael Vick to repay more than $2.4 million to a Canadian bank for defaulting on a loan.

The Royal Bank of Canada sued Vick in September, arguing his guilty plea to a federal dogfighting charge — and the resulting impact on his career — prevented him from repaying the loan.

This was the loan Vick took our for his restaurant, which didn't work out well either. You know, Michael? Considering the debt and protests that await you when you get out of jail, you almost might be better of staying in there.

Vick Sacked With $2.4M Loan Default [ABC News]

The witnesses and victims of the alleged crime are still being pieced together. According to some police sources, there are a lot of conflicting stories surfacing, some as a result of individuals hoping to shake down and cash-in on Harrison's celebrity. But that's expected as soon as a millionaire athlete caught with a gun in a not-so-nice neighborhood happens.

According to one source close to the story, more revelations about Harrison's character and background — disturbing, American Gangster-like stuff — are also percolating as a result of this incident. Although Harrison has been deemed one of the consumate professionals in the NFL due to his quiet nature and workman-like approach to his game, it's appearing more and more that Harrison mayhave a very dark side to his private nature that few people knew about.

Yesterday, WIP's Howard Eskin alluded to those facts on the air yesterday before he was yelling about blogs:

I have heard many things about Marvin and I am shocked. I don't want to get into it but it shocks me. I've heard too many things, I heard things which shocked me.

"I do know this. [Somebody he[Harrison] knows had $10,000 confiscated. He went back to the police station and said, that's my money. . . . Two detectives have told me that. I don't want to get into it any deeper. Doesn't that present a lot of questions to you, too?

Now, as much as Eskin is a blustery asshole on air at times, he's also not reckless and does his due dilligence when it comes to stories of this nature. Also, what Eskin said is consistent with some of the stories being corroborated by a few people close to the investigation.

The take-away: Next week prepare to hear some more things about Marvin Harrison that might erase most of the good-guy persona he's cultivated in the NFL. According to one prominent national television reporter, if Harrison gets charged in this case, all of the dirty laundry that many people have been sifting through will be revealed.

Marvin Harrison? Really? [Deadspin]

He was just trying to help, you see.

According to the criminal complaint filed in Hennepin County District Court: The boy's mother heard the child's muffled cries and found Scott, who is 6-3 and 290 pounds, holding the bag over the boy's head on April 26. She said the boy was on his back on the floor, his legs kicking and that Scott was holding the bag tightly around the boy's neck.

She told police she had evidence of previous injuries while the child was in Scott's care. A doctor who examined the boy said there is a reasonable degree of medical certainty that marks on the boy's arm and ear were intentionally inflicted and were consistent with either burning or being struck.

Scott's defense: He was trying to help the kid by teaching him how to get the bag off his head. This reminds us of that time that our father tried to help us learn how to swim by trying our arms and legs together, tossing us in a laundry bag and chucking us into a lake. Made us stronger. ***

This Is Just Plain Messed Up [The Sports Point]

*** Not, in fact, true; just using our father as a comedic counterpoint. Sorry, Dad! It was just a pond.)

It's a sad day.

Twelve-year-old David Witthoft wore a red Nike shirt to school on April 24. It's significant because on each of the previous 1,581 days, Witthoft wore the Brett Favre jersey he received as a gift for Christmas 2003 when he was just 7.

"His last day wearing the jersey was April 23, which was his 12th birthday," Chuck Witthoft, David's father, said from their Ridgefield, Conn., home on Monday. "It was tough for him for awhile but now that he's 12, he is a little more concerned about his appearance. And the jersey barely came down to his beltline."

Plus, you know, now he has to make room in his closet for that Favre Bears jersey that he's gonna need in a month or so.

(Sorry, Pack fans ... we kid, we kid! Kind of.)

Favre Jersey Streak Ends For Connecticut Boy [Green Bay Press-Gazette]
Child About To Become Somewhat Less Smelly [Deadspin]

The 3,000 square foot home has two guest quarters, game rooms , a garage, and sits on 30 acres of land, making it ideal if you like to spend your weekends sitting on a riding lawnmower for 18 hours.

Be forewarned: You will need a pre-qualification letter just to tour Pacman's castle, because you know, the realtor wants to ensure that only serious potential buyers inquire. Those of you looking to spend an afternoon wandering through Pacman's house sniffing the couches or looking for stray dollar bills should not bother.

Pacman Jone's Tennessee home on the market [You Been Blinded]
Pacman's home on the market [WZTV]

The Toronto group is using the eight-game series to show the city can support its own NFL franchise. The Bills sought the agreement to generate additional revenues by expanding their market to Canada's largest city and financial capital, a 90-minute drive from Buffalo. Ticket prices for the games in Toronto have not yet been released, but are expected to average more than $100 at a facility with a 54,000 seating capacity for football.

That would be the Rogers Centre, of course. The Toronto group, Rogers Communications, has already made 100,000 reservations for the series, with the idea being, I suppose, that they can sell that many tickets. So what does this mean for Buffalo fans? Over at the Bills blog Buffalo Rumblings, a commenter says: "This money is also known as the 'Bill Cowher Fund' ". Maybe, but this deal could also insure that the team won't be relocating anytime soon.

Bills To Be Paid $78 Million To Play Eight Games In Toronto [CBS Sporstline]

No one can quite compare with Jim Thomas' aunt last year, but, you know, they get big points for trying.

Fan of the Week :: The NFL Draft Attendee [Joe Sports Fan]

Santonio Holmes' penis was also seen wearing the tiara at the party while carrying two girls over to the wet bar.

Tiara And Sash a Good Look for Drunken Kickers [KSK]

Yes, according to Robin Leach — who's yelling and he DOESN'T KNOW WHY — Tony Romo dropped a considerable bundle in Vegas and upset poor little Jessica Simpson. An excerpt:

It began when Jessica, Tony and the players all hit the Peacock Lounge for high limit blackjack. Jessica was said to have won $5,000 and then they retired to their penthouse while the others went onto the Body English nightclub. The couple even spent some time tanning in the sunshine rays at the new $8 million makeover pool at the Hard Rock while watching the NFL draft on their private cabana HD TV screens. At some point, however, allegedly Tony, who was rumored to be paid a $15,000 appearance fee at Body English took the money and went gambling. My spywitnesses tell me that by the time he was finished he'd lost a fortune and I swear to you I was told that the figure could have run as high as a whopping $2.5 million. Whatever the staggering loss totaled it immediately put a damper on their fun weekend. I'm reliably told Hard Rock officials offered to pay Jessica a bonus $25,000 if she'd co-host at Body English the second night with Tony.

Allegedly a livid Jessica refused because she's paid far more for personal appearances and the fun weekend had suddenly turned into a commercial gig. Also she was said to be "angry beyond words" over his gambling and the large loss. Insiders told me that one thing led to another and they wound up in a "furious fight."

It's worth noting that Romo just signed a new deal last year, and hey, good thing! Otherwise, Simpson's gonna have to start charging even more for personal appearances.

DID JESSICA & TONY'S LOVE MATCH TURN SOUR AT REHAB RE-OPENING OVER $2.5 MILLION BET? [Vegas Lux Life]

Bell had never tried to make contact with Malone until he was 18. Malone was not particularly ecstatic to meet his prodigal son.

At the time, Malone told Bell that, "It was too late for him to be his father and that Bell would 'earn his money on his own,"' the NFL notes said. Malone could not be reached for comment. As for Bell, he's happy to have made it this far on his own.

"Nothing against him, but I feel good at this time. If he would've been there, yeah, it would've been good. But if not, it's even better," said Bell, also the half brother of WNBA Detroit Shock forward Cheryl Ford. "Everything's a plus right now."

Bell, incidentally, was also on the Northwestern State basketball team that beat Iowa in the NCAA Tournament a couple of years ago.

Poor Karl Malone. You just try to ignore yet another kid who claims he's your dad, and the kid has the nerve to get draft by the NFL and actually include your parenting in his player notes. The hassle of being a professional athlete never ends.

Bell Drafted By Bills; Puts Father Karl Malone Behind Him [Canadian Press]

The big deal of the draft seemed to be Philadelphia's heisting of the Carolina Panthers, but again, that was just the trading of draft picks, which let's us go out and do this again next year. (Sometimes, trading actual real solid living players is more helpful. The real trade last year involved Randy Moss, not an amorphous draft pick, and this year's top pick might ended up involving Pacman Jones.)

But yes. We know what you really went to know: Where did all the stoners end up being drafted? Celebstoner has your answers. Mario Manningham dropped quite a bit for Vicodin. Stuff'll do ya in.

In case you thought the departure of Brian Billick would bring a new age of sterling character to the Baltimore Ravens, you are most definitely wrong. Among the more interesting second day picks came with two of the Baltimore Ravens' three 3rd round picks. With the 7th pick of the third round, they took Miami linebacker Tavares Gooden, whom you may recall for his membership in the acclaimed Seventh Floor Crew under the tag "Big Dick Bandit." It seems Ray Rice isn't the competition that fellow U alum Willis McGahee has to worry about.

Gooden joins McGahee, Ray Lewis and Ed Reed as a quartet of U players in Bodymore, Murderland.

Later in the round, Bawlmer picked up Notre Dame safety Tom Zbikowski, a known pugilist who could actually have something of a positive influence. Perhaps he could get the other wayward youths to train in Cutty's gym.

Some positive news: The first round won't take nearly as long this year, even though it's not starting until 3 p.m. ET. (If you can tear your eyes away from the Raptors-Magic game.) We'll be rocking it out over here too, with Michael Tunison Christmas Ape hand-in-hand with Michael Tanier of Football Outsiders discussing the draft at least until they get too tired.

Ah, the NFL Draft: The event sports fans cannot possibly explain their attraction to any non-sports fan. Stepping outside, it really doesn't make any sense. But alas. And remember: There are always drinking games.

In an episode titled "The Closet," a pro football player who wears No. 12, has a cleft chin and a supermodel galpal, plays in a red-and-blue stadium and is "the best quarterback in football" is the prime suspect in a gay murder. Any resemblance to any New England Patriots QB is, we're sure, entirely intentional!

In the show, Brady, or I mean Haver, is actually innocent. So the hunt for the real killer continues. Of course Brady Quinn must have an alibi for the hours in question, right?

SVU Closet Case Slams Close To Home [Boston Herald]

"No, just you, A.J."

He says that he does actually watch the draft "as much as he can," just to see who the Eagles have picked and who "everyone will be complaining about."

I told him that Ohio State's Vernon Gholston has been tagged the next Mike Mamula by some draft pundits.

"Oh, white guy?"

"No," I said, "He's black."

"Yeaaaaaaaaah...," Mamula responded, in a way that suggested he would be asking for a high-five right now if I were standing in front of him.

Mamula did admit that he's pleased that there are more stories about how his label as a "bust" is a little unfair and said that he was very happy with Michael David Smith's piece for the New York Times' Fifth Down blog.

"There was one on Fox, too..."

Regardless, Mamula doesn't dread this time of year as much as one would think and he says, almost mock jokingly, that any team that would pick a "Mike Mamula-type player" would be "great pick."

He doesn't get sick of the fact that his name is brought up thousands of times every April.

"It's nice to be remembered for something. That's all you can ask for, right?"

Right.

It's here? It's finally here? OH THANK YA SWEET JESUS, IT'S FINALLY HERE!!!! Every year, March rolls around and I think to myself, "Goddammit, where is the fucking draft already?" Yes, I know it's on the same weekend every year. But man oh man, does it take fucking forever to arrive.

It's been three full months without any football. Three long. shitty, rainy, cold months. I'd like to extend a hearty FUCK YOU to February, March and April, three months on the calendar that serve no purpose other than to slowly deprive me of my will to live. Especially you, April: with your half-sunny, half-rainy days, and your wild fluctuations in temperature. PICK A GODDAMN WEATHER PATTERN AND STICK WITH IT. I'm tired of needing a jacket in the morning, only to have the interior of my car hit 9000 degrees by the time I pull out of work.

I'd also like to extend a hearty FUCK YOU to people who snidely look down on the draft and on people who enjoy it. That means you, Mike Wilbon.

It's a nuisance, made-for-TV-by-TV event for people who couldn't tell a left tackle from a right guard, or zone from man-to-man coverage to save their mamas' lives.

Really? That's odd, because I've found that the draft is an event made specifically for people who can deduce such things. Like me! I know the difference between a left tackle and right guard. A left tackle plays on the LEFT! And has to protect the passer's blind side. And a right guard plays on the RIGHT! And sometimes has to pull! I knew that! Amazing, but true!

I also know that man-to-man coverage involves having the defensive player "cover" the offensive player one-on-one! Who would have thought a fan of the NFL might know basic things about the NFL? Surely, only a trained journalist could possibly know such things. And the biggest miracle of all is that I don't watch the telecast from my mother's basement!

Choke on Barkley's dick, Wilbon.

And you, Will Leitch! Yes you, you raging anti-draftite! You too can help yourself to a heaping spoonful of my dick milk. (Ed. Note: AGAIN?)

We were excited at the beginning, fooling ourselves into believing the recitation of names of people we don't know for four hours could be a scintillating experience, and watching Brady Quinn lose millions of dollars every 15 minutes kept our interest for a while too. But once he was drafted, we were out of steam and ready to watch, you know, actual sporting events where people run and jump and move around.

Well, aren't you just a little smartypants. Yes, I think it's just HI-larious how, every year, you (all one of you!) remind me that the draft is just the recitation of names. You really put the draft in its place. It's just names being listed! It's so clever how you boiled it all down to that! Don't I feel goofy now! I could attend the end of any college graduation, and it would be EXACTLY the same! How silly of me to actually care which players will be joining my team. Why don't you go listen to NPR and write something for McSweeney's, you fucking twee assfingerer.

Here's the thing, Leitch. Your favorite team plays 162 games every year (and this year, only 162). That gives you 162 chances to bust out your Ankiel doll and put on a 3-hour showing of "Leitch And The Real Rick." My favorite team plays 16 times a year. That's it. That's all I fucking get. Sixteen chances to get blotto and yell at Brad Childress for having Adrian fucking Peterson return kickoffs. So you'll excuse me if I find those names being recited just a tad important.

I'm well aware that no actual football is played during the draft. But it's not as if it's the only non-game sports programming in the world that people enjoy. No games are played on PTI. No games are played here on Deadspin. But who gives a fuck? They're still entertaining. Part of the reason I watch sports is so I can talk about them. And lo and behold! Here, before us, is a very long sporting event, which gives NFL fans like me lots and lots to talk about. Gee, I wonder if that might interest people?

So if you don't like the NFL Draft, and if you just can't possibly fathom how the unwashed masses could enjoy such a thing, please consider yourself cordially invited to stick your scrotum in a fucking Cuisinart. It's the NFL Draft, and this is your NFL Draft Jamboroo.

All aspects of the NFL Draft are evaluated for sheer watchability and or awesomeness on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Cutting The Time Between Selections From 15 Minutes To 10: This year's draft starts at 3 p.m., three hours later than usual (BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!). But there is some good news. The NFL, at long last, has cut down the first round selection clock by 5 minutes. If Roger "The Ginger Hammer" Goodell leaves any legacy upon the league, apart from suspending all the black players, it will be this. The pace of the ceremony has been upgraded from glacial to downright slug-like. Whoa whoa whoa... stop this draft! It's all happening so not-quite-as-slow now! It's gone to plaid!

Mock Drafts: The Gregg Easterbrooks of the universe just adore telling you how pointless mock drafts are. "Why, those mock drafts never turn out to be 100 percent accurate, don't you know. (smells own fart)" That's not the point of mock drafts. The point of mock drafts is to let me know which players are currently meriting first round consideration, and to give me an approximate sense of where they're being slotted. That way, I can figure out which players I'd like my team to draft (Joe Flacco can throw far? That makes him way better than Tarvaris Jackson!), who I hope falls to them, etc.

Once I'm familiar with how the mock drafts are trending (apologies for that word, it's result of watching too much political coverage), I can then get into the drama of the real draft. I can express surprise should a player like Leodis McKelvin, whom I have never seen, slip down the board. I can cry out in disbelief should a player like Flacco go in the Top 15 ("Reeeaccchhhh!!!!").

You see, mock drafts help educate me, the fan. No, I haven't watched many of these players play football. It's just not feasible, given my schedule, and how much of that schedule is allocated for masturbation. That's why we have mock drafts. They're learning tools. And that's why I enjoy the draft itself. It's for learning. That's right, you anti-draftites. I'm the educated one! Plus, I get to drink and ignore house projects as I learn. And that's awesome.

Mel Kiper Jr.: After my team drafts a player, I rely on Mel to get me properly excited about his prospects. And what he needs to work on! What's that, Mel? He's got great agility? NICE. Excellent lateral movement? Fucking double nice. Bit of a tweener? Oh, I don't like the sound of that. But he's explosive off the edges?! (creams jeans)

Booing: Nothing beats a cocky young player being booed on the best day of his professional life. That'll knock you down a peg, Golden Boy. I also like it when the crowd lets out a collective, sarcastic laugh at a shitty pick. The Raiders took Sebastian Janikowski? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! What a bunch of retards.

Watching The Entire Draft If You're A Fan Of The Cowboys: Are you a Dallas fan? Holy shit, are you in luck! The draft lasts a combined 17 hours or so, and ESPN spends, oh, about 16 of those hours TALKIN' BOUT DEM COWBOYS! NYEEEEHAWWWWW! THIS IS DOUBLE J'S DAY TO SHINE, CHUBBY RAIN!!! I, for one, welcome ESPN's efforts to turn the NFL into a one-team league. Look at the great job they did turning baseball into a two-team affair. God, if only the NFL could be just like that!

Morons.

Unfortunately, there won't be any Emmitt for this year's draft. Which is too bad, because I was crazy excited to hear him talk about a player's agulation, not to mention lazurus quickness, excellenteration, and overall dexatrim. Taking Matt Ryan at Number 3? That is a fucking Debalkanization!

The Draft As A Harbinger Of Spring: They say March 21 is the beginning of spring, but it's usually not until mid to late April when you start seeing the ladies around town rocking hot sundresses and strappy sandals, with their cleavage bouncing to and fro. Now THAT is spring, my friends. Those ladies are just so eager for warm weather, so happy to rid themselves of all those cumbersome winter clothes, that they merrily strip down to all but the bare essentials. Ladies, I support you wholeheartedly in such efforts. Let those puppies roam free!

Nothing beats sitting outside at a bar on a cold spring day and just watching the parade of lovely ladies pass by. I tell you, people-watching is 100 percent more awesome when there are tits out and about.

Highlights of Previous Draft Moments: Oh Jets, will you ever stop being clueless for drafting Jeff Lageman? Fuck and no. (Actually, Lageman turned out to be pretty good.)

Player Highlights: I don't give a fuck about interviewing the draftees after they've been selected. I DIDN'T DRAFT YOU TO TALK, BOY! I just want to watch the five-minute, Kiper-narrated highlight reel of you fucking shit up. Running. Jumping. Tackling. Exhibiting a callous disregard for your own body. That's good stuff.

Trades: Trades rule. I'm convinced people like Belichick trade constantly during the draft just so they can have something to do. Only thing that sucks about draft day trades is, once a trade is made, the draft clock gets fucking reset. GAHHHHHHH!!!!!! You traded up because you knew who you wanted, Jerry Jones. Just go fucking pick him already.

Four Throwgasms

The Fact That The Draft Lasts Forever: Okay, so the whole thing drags a bit. So flip over to something else for a bit. Check out the day's token Horrible, Early Eastern Conference Playoff Game. Or watch a flick. Or go to the gym. When you're back, there'll only have been three new picks! You didn't miss jack shit. Draft weekend means there's always something interesting to tune into. You can season the rest of your TV watching with bits of draft from here and there. In fact, last weekend, the NFL Network replayed last year's draft IN ITS ENTIRETY. It made for excellent commercial break filler. That vest on Brady Quinn is just as gay this year as it was back then.

Chris Mortensen: Mort's wrong a lot, unless he's reporting something that's just been reported somewhere else. But he's right at least 2 percent more often than Mike Florio, and that makes him the best in the business. Cutting to Mort during a draft means he's got a potentially explosive non-scoop, and that gets me all atwitter.

In general, I RELY on Mort to be wrong, because it helps make the draft surprising. If there's any news event that stands to benefit from shoddy reporting, it's the draft. Accurate reporting just makes the thing predictable. I don't know why ESPN tries so hard to figure out who's drafting whom. Don't tell me! I like surprises, you fuckers!

I watched an NBA Draft once where Hubie Brown guessed every pick correctly, and well before the picks were turned in. You know what, Hubie? You aren't helping, Coach MeltyFace. ESPN should follow the lead of the league's GMs and do everything in their power to throw us off. Throw out signals that St. Louis is drafting Chris Long, so that when they draft Vernon Gholston, I am positively AGHAST.

Watching A Player Talk On His Cell Phone: Who's he talking to? It might be the President! Of the Titans!

Three Throwgasms

Forgetting To Draft In Your Slot: The Vikings slipped two spots in the 2003 draft (from 7 to 9), when the clock ran out on them. They ended up with Kevin Williams, an All-Pro, for less than they would have paid him at the 7 spot. The two teams leapfrogging the Vikes were the Jags, who took Byron Leftwich (sucked), and the Panthers, who took Jordan Gross (okay). So the Vikings, despite their astonishing idiocy, ended up in a better position than if they had drafted on time. AND they helped shorten the draft. That's why I suggest that, this year, the Rams let time expire on their #2 overall pick and drop all the way down to the 32nd pick. That way, the entire first round will last seven minutes.

Mike Florio at Pro Football Talk has warned for years that some team will eventually purposely let time run out. And I'm all for it. Rookies are wildly overpaid in the NFL. No team really WANTS to throw $30 million at an untested QB prospect. It's just kinda what they have to do, given that there's no rookie cap. I'm waiting for the draft where one team says, "No way, FUCK that shit," and just purposely drops like a stone, only to have other teams follow suit and turn the whole thing into a giant game of "No, YOU Go!" C'mon Rams, grow a pair now that the old lady's dead and buried.

Two Throwgasms

NFL Network coverage: Still a little QVCish there, NFLN. I'm too used to ESPN's annoying coverage to switch over to your annoying coverage.

The Redskins Having A First Round Pick: But it's so much more fun when they have to sit it out! C'mon Danny Boy. Just ONE more first rounder and Ocho Cinco is all yours!

General Manager Interviews: Happy with your pick? That's surprising, because I thought it ate a fat dick.

War Room Shots: The ties are off. The sleeves are rolled up. Sandwiches are stacked in an artful pyramid on a nearby buffet. Three kinds of juice are out. These people mean fucking business.

One Throwgasm

Berman

Everyone Getting A Jersey With A Number One On It: This isn't Kiddie League Teeball. There's only one #1 pick, and that's the only guy who should get to hold up a #1 jersey. After that, you should get a jersey with a number that corresponds to your draft slot. The #1 jersey makes all the white players look like kickers, and all the black players look like Warren Moon.

Graphics: You'll see the Patriots' panoply of selections 88 times before you get to see your own team's. Flipping back and forth during the telecast means you will, without fail, come onto the draft scroll JUST after your team's selection has passed by. Grrrrrr.

Film Analysis Segments With Jaws And Hoge: I love Jaws, but the whole reason I watch football is so I don't have to play it, and therefore study it. Booooring.

Player Interviews With Stuart Scott: "How's it feel to be the #1 pick?!" Oh, I can probably venture a guess.

The Next Four Months: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Predraft Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

"War Pigs", by Black Sabbath. Few people know that "War Pigs" was actually Dick Cheney's wedding song.

Embarassing Single I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up

"Poison," by Alice Cooper. I forgot about this one. Peep the 1:45 mark in the video. Alice was smart enough to know any video he appeared in also needed a solid bounty of hot chicks to restore balance to the universe. Look out, Alice! That brunette's poisoned you! With Alka Seltzer! Plop plop, fizz fizz, you dead!

Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death

No one this week. But mark my words, come fall, that Michael Turner's gonna find a way to fuck you.

Drafttime Snack Of The Week

Teddy Grahams. Can't get enough those Teeeeedy Grahams! Nabiiisco! Ooooooh!

Ever have two Teddy Grahams do a 69 on each other? I have. And I'm not talking about when I was a kid. I did it, like, yesterday. It's even hotter when you do it with a Honey Teddy and a Chocolate Teddy. That's some solid interflavorial bearbanging right there.

Drafttime Beer Of The Week

Anchor Steam! The name makes me think of dropping anchor. And Cleveland steamers. The amber hue is no help, either. Good beer, though. It rises well above its poop juice connotations.

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans (No 1st Round Pick)

Into The Wild. I really liked Into The Wild. But I couldn't help but point out all the things Christopher McCandless did wrong that Bear Grylls NEVER would have done. Staying in a Magic Bus for seven weeks? Fool! Out in the wild, YOU'VE GOT TO KEEP MOVING! If only Bear had been around back then to educate Chris, to let him know you NEVER go out into the wild without a water bottle, a knife, a flint and a 20-man camera crew. And a helicopter escort. And a sumptuous mid-day buffet for everyone. Also, Bear would have nailed the shit out of Kristen Stewart. C'mon, man. She was dying for it.

What an idiot. Still smarter than Timothy Treadwell, though.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote

"Spare me your euphemisms. It's fat camp for Daddy's chubby little secret!"

Halftime Masturbation Kit
***For the guys: Round Two with Hayden Panettiere. On "Heroes," she can heal from any injury. Does that mean a fresh hymen every time? I think it does.
***For the gals: A buck naked Keanu Reeves. You know, looking at a still picture of Keanu Reeves and looking at a moving picture of Keanu Reeves offer pretty much the exact same experience.

Blatantly False, ProFootballTalk-Style, Fred Edelstein-esque Rumor Of The Week

WE HEAR... that Bill Parcells really hopes to trade down and amass extra picks. Know who else is hoping to trade down and amass extra picks? EVERYONE.

Your Motivational Predraft Quote for The Weekend

"In such a situation, you have no time to think. Instinct takes over. It's either kill... or be killed."
-Louis Winthorp III

Enjoy the draft, everyone. See you back here in September when the Jamboroo returns.

We kid Pacman, because we love Pacman. As talented as the former Titan is, you almost have to root for him to get his life in order — remember, it was once so bad that even his family was calling him "out of control" — except ... dammit, now he plays for the Cowboys! If he straightens up and flies right, it's the Cowboys who reap the benefits. Ain't that how it always works?

Now that he's back, though, we can at least rejoice in the obvious-but-still-fun video game jokes.

The letter, addressed to Nik Richie, blah-blah-blahs about all the problems the site has caused for T.O.'s "image" and demands a retraction of the language used in the post and the photo come down.

Nik Richie and his Dirty fellas are kind of pissed, obviously.

Good times. You can read through the letter and marvel at Lerner's legalese.

(UPDATE: Nik Richie tells us he's "Not worried" about any of the legal bitch slapping taking place about this.)

It was overdue. Alexander has been an overrated running back his entire career despite all the touchdowns and the MVP year when Steve Hutchinson should have won the award for opening the holes. Alexander was a soft runner, a mediocre blocker, a below average receiver and an egotistical "me-firster". Bring on a replacement who runs with authority.

Shaun is taking the high road on this, of course, saying that he'll continue to live in the Seattle area that the city is "woven into the fabric of his family" or something and that he's not bittter at all. One memory of Shaun Alexander that sticks out is that bizarre, girlish dance he did on the sidelines during a Seahawks playoff game in 2005 after he went out early. It was easily one of the most feminine moments in NFL history and, sadly, can't be found on YouTube anywhere. If there is photographic evidence of this, please send it along.

Alexander is already taking on possible suitors for his services. One of those is supposed to be the bastard Patriots, who seem to be the perfect rejuvenation for wayward NFL players who want to make guys like Dick Nichols eat crow.

The Official Website Of Shaun Alexander [Shaun Alexander.org]

That said, everyone's all a-twitter about the draft, so it must be acknowledged — and we understand Drew is going to hammer us for this viewpoint on Thursday — and we'll be covering it all weekend too. The weekend editor is the suddenly famous Christmas Ape, and he'll be joined by Michael Tanier of Football Outsiders, doing the sort of instant analysis that we're all helplessly addicted to. And yes: Jake Long is going first.

So yeah: Young men you don't know, post underwear inspection. We can't wait.

Yes, Jeff Reed — party man and exhibitionist — will be the purveyor of first-pitch goodness on Thursday, June 5. We probably don't need to tell you what the special promotion is that night.

The Curve and New Britain Rockcats (Twins) wrap up their three-game series on Thursday night. Steelers placekicker Jeff Reed will throw out a ceremonial first pitch, take part in the Curve GameDay show, meet with fans and sign autographs. Gates open extra early at 5:30 p.m. so come early and enjoy great drink specials on Thirsty Thursday.

Make sure to bring your cellphones, kids.

Skippy + Thirsty Thursday = [Mondesi's House]

This pictures was sent via email from a person who claims that this photo of Holmes was found at xesalley.com, a site where horny ladies talk candidly about sex and share photos of dudes they've let run amok in their lady caves. (Kind of like Jezebel.)

Apparently, one person has taken Mr. Holmes' brown thermos to lunch a few times. Hopefully, her cervix survived that anaconda attack.

Full photo of Santonio de-McBeam'd here: (NSFW, obviously>)

An off-duty police officer bouncing at the club said Keith and a few other individuals were outside Club 9 about 3 a.m., leaning on cars, dancing and not leaving the parking lot when they were told to. According to the police report, Keith resisted arrest and "would not be quiet. He kept hollering he was a Colts player, that he wasn't doing nothing wrong, that he would leave when he got ready."

Writer David J. Warner at AOL Fanhouse wildly speculates that Keith may be the victim of some sort of racism from the Indianapolis police department even though Keith was, you know, breaking the law.

Unlike last year's backup Colts running back, Dominic Rhodes, Keith did not urinate all over himself, which may save him from being picked up by the Raiders in 2009.

Police Arrest Colts Running Back Outside Night Club [The Indy Channel]

The Smoking Gun reports that the Pats are still seeking the trademark on 19-0. We might have to go through all this crap again.

Three months after their bid for an undefeated season ended with a Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants, the New England Patriots are continuing to pursue trademarks on the phrases "19-0" and "19-0 The Perfect Season," records show. While the team may have been expected to withdraw its applications after finishing at 18-1, a Patriots lawyer recently amended the original filings to correct a typographical error, a clear indication that the organization remains committed to securing the marks (perhaps Bill Belichick & Co. are anticipating perfection in the 2008 season).

Meanwhile, our Buzzsaw are expected to seek "beer bong."

Patriots Still Pursuing Perfection [The Smoking Gun]

Yeah. When you try to encroach on Merril Hoge's touches, you're gonna have that.

More Stun Gun Fun: Tim Worley [Josh Q. Public]

Patrick Tribett of Ohio was nabbed for "abusing harmful intoxicants." Hey, at least he huffed in team colors. (That one was from The Smoking Gun, actually).

Mugshotdujour.com
It Ain't Just Paint [The Smoking Gun]

On Tirico's radio show yesterday, Big Ben had this to say about playing the Cowboys:

"I got to play at Dallas, I think it was my rookie year," Roethlisberger said. "I'm glad they're coming up here to play us. I'm thinking about sending an all-expenses paid trip for Tony (Romo) to go to Mexico."

Tafoya shot back, "I thought you were going to bring Jessica to you." And Roethlisberger played along. "We could do that too," Big Ben said. "I might just fly her in."

Roethlisberger, who was at one point dating the very flexible professional golfer Natalie Gulbis, may have unwittingly jinxed his team with this comment. Good news for Jessica Simpson, however, who has seemingly earned herself a free trip to Pittsburgh. It's very pretty there in December.

Big Ben Takes Aim [Dallas Morning News]
Ben Roethlisberger takes jab at Cowboys and Tony Romo [Steelers Live]

Yesterday, Johnson declared that he would not report to Bengals' camp this year and demanded a trade. He's hinted about this before, but now has put the organization in the unenviable position of trying to move him for the sake of team chemistry and eating $8 million against their salary cap.

So, what does this do for the future of Chad Johnson? There are plenty of teams that would most likely pick him up, but his hefty salary and polarizing nature would also seem burdensome for plenty of teams. Granted, the Patriots seemingly did well by adding Randy Moss (and the Cowboys with Terrell Owens), but unless the Bengals are bowled over by a trade offer, they seem content to let this guy twist. Good for them. They should.

Carson Off Mark, Chad Says [Cincinnati Enquirer]
My Divorce From Chad Johnson [Yep Yep]
Goodbye Chad [Lookatmeshirts]

ESPN commenters, always game to be enthusiastically inarticulate about everything sports-related, are obviously losing their minds over this:

• ROSENBERRY337: I cant wait to see the (TIMES AND DATES) of when my SAINTS will whoop up on the scheduled opponents.
⁊ KE MILLER: about time!!! last year was on the 2nd of april!!! GO FINS!!! 8-8 this year take back the division next year!!!
⁊ PAYtonsWorthit: test

Here are some selected games that jumped out, plus pictorial accompaniment to better make your schedule-reading much more enjoyable.

Monday, September 8, Doubleheader:
Vikings at Packers/Broncos at Raiders

Look! It's the babies! Aaron Rodgers gets baptized (unless he gets hurt) and Jamarcus Russell gets to show the world he's the most fleet-footed fat guy in history.

Sunday, Nov. 2
New England Patriots at Indianapolis Colts 8:15 p.m.

Will this be the game of the century ... again?

Thursday, Nov. 27, Thanksgiving, 8:15 p.m.
Arizona Cardinals at Philadelphia Eagles

No, because THIS IS THE GAME OF THE CENTURY. The floppy-haired Buzzsaw brings it's bong-slurping quarterback to Philadelphia for a turkey-legged ass-thumping. This seems like the type of game that needs some sort of gentlemanly bet, like rival mayors. If the Eagles win, Will lets the Friday after Thanksgiving be Deadspin's first "Megan Fox Friday." If the Cardinals win, I get fired. Sounds fun.

(Ed. Note: Awesome! Another excuse to raid Daulerio's parents' home on Thanksgiving!)

Monday, Dec. 1
Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans 8:30 p.m. ESPN

Hey, the Texans are on Monday Night Football.

Sunday, Dec. 7
Miami Dolphins at Buffalo Bills (Toronto) 1 p.m. CBS

Argonauts fans will be out in full force.

Monday, Dec. 22
Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears 8:30 p.m. ESPN

Projected game time temperature? Minus-72 degrees.

(PHOTO: Commapause)

It looks like Jerry Jones and company are leaning toward AT&T Field.

The Dallas Cowboys are in serious discussions with AT&T Corp. to name their new $1 billion stadium AT&T Field, according to a document obtained by the Star-Telegram.

The deal would include "media rights," which would allow the Cowboys and AT&T to almost exclusively distribute Cowboys content on local television, radio, Internet and wireless devices, according to the document. The dollar value and length of a potential deal were not specified.

Some obviously aren't happy about this, but it kind of seems inevitable. (We still think someone in Texas should be forced to use "Enron Field" for eternity. The brand synergies are infinite; we will at least know what kind of phone Terrell Owens is taking out of the goalpost and calling his agent with.

Cowboys Think 'AT&T Field' Has A Nice Ring To It [Ft. Worth Star-Telegram]

No, really: Merriman will be sitting on the dais with:

"'Days of Our Lives' star Kristian Alfonso, Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard, Project Runway winner Christian Siriano, former *NSYNC member Joey Fatone, 'activist' Heather Mills and comedian Rob Schneider.

Remind us again why steroids are bad for you? We don't see Rafael Palmeiro on that panel ... but we suspect he'll stop by, anyway.

Miss USA 2008 Odds [Vegas Watch]

Here's a thought: What if Matt Leinart and Alex Smith played on the same team? They could carpool, and their drunken party photos could all be released at the same time. Also this photo is funny because I have that same exact hat.

Smith Tries To One-Up Leinart [49ersnews]

Apparently, Cutler, who is the leader of the team after all, called out wide receiver Brandon Marshall after Marshall hurt himself "horsing around" with his older brother. Cutler was annoyed by this, and said so. King Elway did not approve.

"If that's what Jay feels like he needs to comment on, he needs to do that," Elway said. "Personally, I would've done it to him. Even though I tried to settle things in the press, looking back over the years, it hasn't been the right way to do it. ... I was surprised to hear it actually,"

Aaron Rodgers is going to get to deal with this for the next four years, so that should be fun.

Elway Surprised Cutler Called Out Brandon Marshall [CBS 4 Denver]

"Just before the last Super Bowl, Bill Belichick gathered his football players and said 'Let's win this one for real, just this one time. Let's not cheat.' You know what happened? They lost."

South Park Crushes Bill Belichick [You Been Blinded]

Eller found this technique somewhat lacking in success.

Former Viking and NFL Hall-of-Famer Carl Eller was arrested early this morning for fourth-degree assault and fleeing a police officer, 5 EYEWITNESS NEWS has confirmed. Eller reportedly refused a breath test and assaulted officer before trying to flee, according to Minneapolis police.

Sgt. Jesse Garcia told 5 EYEWITNESS NEWS that Eller hit an officer in the face.

This is Eller's second DUI in two years, but his first cop punching. With this kind of expertise, he should probably become the next NFL players union chief.

Carl Eller Arrested After Punching Officer In The Face [KSTP]