If you haven't seen it already, here is the Denver coach reminding his players last night that "all we're trying to do is win the motherfucking game." Guess he forgot to tell them that during their recent four-game losing streak. Anyway, it's all good. The announcers apologized immediately and today the Network offered up a hilarious apology, where an executive producer admitted that his team made a "terrible mistake," while simultaneously marveling at how awesome their microphones are. You can hear everything! You should definitely call your cable operator and subscribe today!

Also, Denver won the motherfucking game so keep up the smack talk, Josh. Swearing works, kids!

Josh McDaniels Just Wants to Win a Motherf–king Game! [The Last Angry Fan]
NFL Network: We Made 'Terrible Mistake' [Fanhouse]

* * * * *

Ok, that's enough for today. Go dig some leftovers out of the fridge and enjoy whatever college football and/or basketball you can find on TV tonight. Weed Against Barry will keep you company as usual this weekend.

We're thankful for your continued support of Holiday Deadspin. If you can find a video with a greater contrast between its peppy upbeat music and awkwardly depressing visuals, then post it below.

I have but one goal for this Thanksgiving, and that is to spend the day saying as few words as humanly possible. Talking is the enemy of a good Thanksgiving. With so many goddamn relatives around, anything you say is a potential hydrogen bomb of familial conflict.

YOU: Hey, everyone! I brought a pie!

YOUR SISTER: Well, I brought one, too. I thought it was my turn to bring pie this year.

YOU: What difference does it make?

YOUR SISTER: It means you weren't LISTENING to me. You just go and do whatever you want.

YOU: Yeah, well fuck you, you runny cunt.

YOUR SISTER: NO, FUCK YOU! MOM SAYS YOU MARRIED A FUCKING BEAST!

YOU: (parries at sister with carving knife)

You see how things can devolve so quickly in such an emotionally charged environment. I'm going to a house that contains fourteen relatives this evening, and that's not even that big of a Thanksgiving. My job will be to lurk in the background, like a drifting molester, happy to blend in with the wallpaper, a source of conflict for NO MAN, WOMAN, OR CHILD. I promise to make this Thanksgiving a masterpiece of antisocializing. I have the following weapons at my disposal:

THE NFL
The house I'm going to has no television in the family area, where everyone sits before and after dinner. To watch TV, you have to go into the basement, where no one else is. FUCKING SWEET. I'll walk in, say a few pleasantries, kiss a few cheeks, throw a couple babies in the air. Then I'll grab an open bag of chips and run downstairs. An hour later, someone will be like, "Hey, where the fuck is Drew?" I'll tell you where. IN HEAVEN, THAT'S WHERE. There's nothing better than having a game to sneak off to during any family encounter. It always takes people a million years to notice. You can smuggle all manner of food down there, even an entire dinner plate. Also, you get to have that fun exchange where your old lady comes down and begs you to come up and talk to people. And you're like, "Okay, I'll be up in five minutes." And they you stay downstairs for another hour. MAGIC.

THE BATHROOM
Ah, the bathroom. Sweet, sweet sanctuary. Fact: I have been known, during family events, to go to the bathroom even when I don't have shit, piss, or masturbate. I just go there to hang out. It's like landing on home plate. No one can hand you a baby to feed, or a dish to wash. You are bulletproof once inside the bathroom. Then you go back out to the chaos outside and people will give you that look, that look that lets you know THEY know you were just overstaying your turn in the shitter. Then someone else runs to the john for a moment of solace.

SMOKING
I'm onto you, smokers. I get it, now. I see why it's worth risking the cancer, and the impotence, and the rotten teeth, and the clothes you have to Febreze 70 times a day. Because taking a smoke break outside is like a bonus trip to the shitter. No one's gonna bother you while you're outside smoking a cigarette in the freezing drizzle. And no lady is gonna come hand you a kid while you're emitting lethal secondhand smoke. It's an ingenious plan, smokers. It really is. YOU RESPONSIBILITY-DODGING SHITBAGS.

ALCOHOL
I'm sorry. I'd talk to you people, or help mom with plating dessert. But I'm just too fucking LOADED, you see.

BACK PAIN
My sciatica flared up last week, and is only now subsiding. (Quick note: Sciatica is caused by a ruptured disk in your back pressing against a nerve and causing shooting pain down your leg. You do not want it.) Anyway, I went to the doctor and got a prescription for Vicodin (WHEE!), muscle relaxants (SCORE!), steroids (DREW STRONG!), and physical therapy (whatever). I have to take all these meds, or else I'm in unrelenting agony all day long. So I'd like to talk to my relatives, exceppppttt I seem2beslurrrrrrinmywerddddss lemme jus lay downnn and (drools all over pants).

So there you have it, people. Those are the tools you have at your disposal to avoid actual contact with your loved ones this year. Use them at will. You could even fake a stomachache after dessert. That works, too.

Also, this week's Jamboroo is dedicated to my wife's cousin, who nearly died this spring in an accident. He made it through, and I'll be seeing him tonight. I'm thankful you're still around, my man. Drinks on me.

NOW DAN V, MAKE WITH THE SPECIAL THANKSGIVING THROWGASMS.

The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Steelers at Ravens: I mentioned earlier that I was going to a house with 14 relatives tonight. NONE of these people like football. At all. In fact, no one in my wife's family or my own family likes football besides me. I'm the only football fan among us, and that bothers me to no end. I'm the one asshole sneaking away to watch the game. I'm the selfish one. Goddamn pinkos, the lot of them. The only exception to this is my father-in-law, who is an anomaly in that he likes to watch football, but could give two shits about the context surrounding the game. It literally does not matter to him if he's watching a UFL game or the Super Bowl. It's all the same shit to him. He says he just likes to watch the hitting. The circumstances, players, and personalities mean nothing to him. He just likes seeing the action when he sees it. I don't know whether to admire him, or to shake the shit out of him.

I think it's probably better to have a partner-in-crime to sneak away to watch games with during the day. Then again, people are more likely to notice you're missing, so I'm not really sure.

Patriots at Saints: Holy shit, this game is AWESOME. And it's gonna be completely ruined by Jaws and Gruden. THIS GUY DREW BREES. HE'S JUST A FLAT-OUT COMPETITOR WHO WANTS TO WIN. I hate it when analyst says that. "He just wants to win." Well, no fucking shit. Even the guys half-assing it out there want to win the goddamn game.

If there's any team I'd like to see win the Super Bowl other than my own, it's the Saints. But man alive, they sure turn the ball over and let other teams score a lot. That can't be a good omen. AND THAT'S MY HARDCORE FOOTBALL ANALYSIS.

Four Throwgasms

Colts at Texans: My wife's family is from Germany (none affiliated with Rolf), so a lot of times my wife's German aunt will send over a bunch of German toys for the kids to play with. One of these toys is a plush sun that plays a German lullaby. We keep it in the ten-month-old's crib. Anyway, the lullaby this toy plays has the EXACT same fucking melody as "The Gambler". No lie. You pull the string, and suddenly it's playing "The Gambler". So now, every night, I'm pulling the string on this thing and singing to my kid, "You gotta know when to hold ‘em… WHEN TO HOLD ‘EM!" My son will be shot dead dealing blackjack on a riverboat in twenty-five years.

One other thing about having foreign relatives. If you have relatives who do not speak English, and you don't speak their native language either, you will ALWAYS, by law, be the only one around to pick up the phone whenever they call for your wife, or the person in the house that DOES speak their native tongue. The German aunt calls my house once a month, and I'm always the only person around to pick up. What then ensues is a conversation of aggressive retardation, where I over pronounce words very loudly in English so that they might resemble something she recognizes. SHE'S NOT HOME, YES? I also make hand gestures, WHILE ON THE PHONE. As if she can see them. I am a fucking moron.

Giants at Broncos: Oh, thank God the Broncos suck again. That was a close one.

Three Throwgasms

Packers at Lions: This is a much better game than the Cowboys-Raiders shitfest happening later on. Both Aaron Kampman and Al Harris are done for the year for the Packers. MORE MATT STAFFORD HEROICS ARE IN STORE!

Panthers at Jets: Gallo noted this first. Say hello to the Inside the BCS Twitter feed, designed to give you college football fans all the BCS propaganda you can handle! Important things like "bracket creep" are discussed.

When Plus-1 was discussed in '08, one big hurdle was the inevitable bracket creep. 4 teams, maybe. Then 8? 16? 32?

Oh, no! A 32-team playoff tournament in college football? A month-long orgy of meaningful college games that could redefine my existence and challenge the dominance of the NFL? HORRORS! Yes, I'd sure hate to see that happen. What a tragedy. Much better to have a drama-free year in which the title game of Texas-SEC champ was already set in stone ages ago. The BCS can choke on AIDS.

Bears at Vikings: I saw the "Rock With You" video on TV the other day. It's a great song. But I noticed that, in the video, Michael Jackson is dancing just like a white person. It's uncanny, really.

Cardinals at Titans: Man, did Luke Wilson get fat.

Two Throwgasms

Bucs at Falcons: From the mysterious and gifted flubby (and KOGOD) comes the Twitter feed of porn star Bree Olsen, (NSFW) which will turn you on and sadden you in equal measure.

Any men in fort Wayne wanna get me drunk and take advantage of me? That sounds so hot right now.

I only have been getting fucked an average of once a day these days. WTF is up with that?! I need it at least three!

I had some guys over here playing wolrd of warfare 2 on x box 360. Turns me on to see guys play video games. I love it!

As flubby notes, "Jesus Christ, what do you call the diametric opposite of trolling? I love it when guys don't change their underwear for days on end. Skid marks are the best!"

Dolphins at Bills: Need an early xmas gift? How about Bobby Jones' Ultimate Gospel collection? Featuring "He's An On-Time God." That's right! God isn't on CPT anymore!

Redskins at Eagles: A friend of mine just got engaged. For you bachelors out there, there is nothing more terrifying than the time in between the moment you buy an engagement ring, and the moment you propose. Not because you're getting nervous about marriage. But because you're walking around with a bauble in your pocket worth thousands of dollars. You want to get rid of that shit as fast as you can, to give it to your woman so she assumes all responsibility for it. That whole time YOU have the ring, you freak the fuck out over losing it. That's why I never suggest you plan on bringing an engagement ring to some tropical locale, or try hiding it in a soufflé, or some retarded thing like that. Just get rid of the fucker ASAP.

Chiefs at Chargers

Jaguars at 49ers

One Throwgasm

Raiders at Cowboys: I don't understand why the Raiders were included in the Thanksgiving game schedule. It's fucking stupid. The NFL already knows that people are sick of seeing Detroit and Dallas every year at this time. And they knew before the season, damn well, that their only hope for a good day game would be to pair a good team with Dallas, because Detroit is always bad. So why did they have the Raiders come to Dallas? Why not San Diego? Why are you subjecting me to this inevitable 13-10 shitwreck, Goodell? YOU CUNTHAIR.

I think they do this shit on purpose, so that you'll be grateful for the NFL Network game later on (which half the country won't be able to fucking watch, mind you). Assholes.

Browns at Bengals: I'll never get over Hank Poteat, who has been in the league for ten years, believing pass interference is allowable so long as the QB is outside of the pocket.

Also, Eric Mangini is the biggest gash in all of football. His little bitching about the Lions was his worst display of dipshittery yet. It got the KSK gang and I wondering what examples of cheating he'll use next to distract people from his team's horrid play. After all, the Browns can't merely SUCK. No, no. Someone had to CHEAT to outwit dickless over there.

Ufford: "It's no fair the way the other team had more talented players and a better coach."

Flubby: "We had the Bengals beat until that devious Mr. Fuji threw salt in our eyes."

Tunison: "You say it's unlikely the Ravens have developed some kind of debilitating nerve toxin, but do you know for sure? THE LEAGUE TURNS A BLIND EYE TO CHEATING!"

Seahawks at Rams: Kyle Boller is nailing Carrie Prejean, which goes to show that it doesn't matter how bad you are at playing QB, just being a QB in the NFL is enough to ensure you a higher class of tail than most any man on Earth. Stoney Case nailed Ali Landry. Heather Kozar made fingercuffs with Cade McNown and Tim Couch. In fact, Gisele and Hilary Rhoda aside, you're almost better off being a terrible NFL QB if you want to land hot ass. Starting QB's are too busy to nab good pussy. But if you're Matt Leinart, you have all day to talent scout.

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

"Ace of Spades," by Motorhead. This helpful video above points out that the cover of Motohead's cover for the Sacrifice album includes a demon with a vagina for a mouth and a penis for a tongue.

Waiting around for dinner? Go now and immediately read this profile of Lemmy from last month's issue of Rolling Stone (excerpted in the link, otherwise you have to read the actual issue. HOW DARE SOMEONE CHARGE ME FOR CONTENT). In it, you will discover several important facts about Lemmy, such as:

-He still drinks a bottle of Jack a day

-According to Ozzy Osbourne, when Lemmy toured, "[Lemmy] had a plaid bag with three books an a notepad. No change of clothes. His fucking rider was seven bottles of bourbon, eight bottles of vodka, two bottles of orange juice, and that's fucking it!" You know you're a legendary drinker when even Ozzy Osbourne is in awe of your excess. The man needs only liquor to survive.

-He keeps an extensive collection of Nazi war artifacts in his apartment, including Eva Braun's comb. And somehow, this fact makes him even more of a BADASS. Anyone else who keeps Nazi uniforms in their apartment is a fucking Nazi scumbag. But when Lemmy does it? RAWK.

Lemmy rules.

Embarassing Album I Own That Will Not Fire You Up

"Euphoria," by Def Leppard. This was my favorite band back in 1987, before I discovered Metallica. I owned every Def Leppard album. I bought their Historia video compilation. I had their posters all over my wall. And whenever I doodled in class, I wrote everything in the Def Leppard font. I saw them at the Met Center in Bloomington, Minnesota (In the round, IN YOUR FACE!). And whenever they reached #1 on Dial MTV, I would go to school the next day and BRAG to people in my 5th grade class that didn't like Def Leppard that they were #1 the night before. How I went through that period without sucking a dick is beyond me.

Anyway, I still enjoy Def Leppard's music all these years later. I even bought their late period albums, including this one, which was released in 1999, far past their time of relevance. And I still listen to some of the shit on this album. ‘CAUSE YOU'RE LIVING ON A PAPER SUNNNNNN…

I know they never admitted it, but I bet that rig they set up for the one-armed drummer totally didn't work. They just stuck a drum machine under the stage and let Rick Allen tard away on his special, noiseless kit all he pleased.

Open Mailbag Tuesdays
Got something you want displayed for show and tell in the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag? Saw your neighbors break out the ball gags, perhaps? Email me any question or observation you like.

Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Tony Romo and the entire Dallas offense. You all suck, and when that final stretch of Giants/Chargers/Saints/Eagles arrives, and you choke like the choking assholes you are, America will once again dance on your fucking graves. Dicks. PICK A BACK AND STAY WITH HIM, GARRETT.

Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suicide pick of the Steelers was incorrect, making me 8-3 on the year. Keep in mind, this is a year in which there are an uncommon amount of horrid teams. An 8-3 record is fucking pathetic. I hate suicide pools. Anyway, that puts the Steelers, Jets, Falcons, Bears, Colts, Eagles, Vikings, Texans, Ravens, Saints and Skins off the board now. We once again pick a team for your suicide pool and something that makes you WANT to commit suicide. This week's pick? Cincinnati, and sibling rivalry. My kid took a drumstick the other day and smacked the baby with it. HARD. Just drummed the shit out of his head. So I grab the kid, and tried to do my best impression of an angry parent.

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T HIT YOUR BROTHER LIKE THAT!

Her: I like princesses.

How do you reason with these fucking monsters? They evade the issues more easily than your average politician.

Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

"This week, I like the Raiders getting 13.5 points against Dallas on the road. I hung out with Lemmy once back in ‘82. He was playing a festival in Dusseldorf and I was there to see Skrewdriver. Bought a Hitler mustache hair from him for 40 marks. Good guy."

2009 Nazi Shark Record: 6-5.

This Week's Pants Party Winner
Last week's Pants Party winner was J. Ramirez. He did not come to claim his prize. This week's winner was P. Kuszynski. Hey Kuszynski, come claim your prize, you stupid Polack!

Great Moments In Poop History
I know many of you, including Leitch, skip the weekly poop story. Well, I implore not to miss this week's entrant. It's from our very own AJ Daulerio, and it is titled, "The Last Pickle In The Jar". It is your editor's Thanksgiving gift to you. Enjoy.

AJ: So, my friend Dorfman got married last April. We have a long history of playing horrible practical jokes on each other. He was very paranoid about what I had planned for his wedding night since we were staying in the same hotel. This was a wedding attended by the likes of Leitch, Aileen, Jim Cooke, etc.

Me: Dorfman? Kent Dorfman?

AJ: Matt Dorfman.

Me: Great name.

AJ: So one time at Spring Break when I was in college, you know, I played this joke on one of the other guys who was staying in our crappy Bahamaian hotel. He was a real bitch about his Do Not Disturb sign and would be a real asshole to the help. So I took the little hotel glass and scooped out my own turd from the toilet, ran up to his room, banged on the door, left the glass outside of it and ran away. He throws open the door, kicks the glass over, so now there's a big turd sitting in the middle of the hallway on our floor. SO. I tell Cooke about this and decided I want to do the same thing to Dorfman on his wedding night. I'm describing the glass full of poop and how it just floats in there with its flecks of poop and everything and Cooke says, "It's just like the last pickle in the jar." Brilliant, I thought. It shall be named that forever and ever. SO. I'm staying in Aileen's room. As you can probably tell, Aileen does not enjoy these types of hijinx.

Me: I don't even know why she knows you, honestly.

AJ: In order to pull it off I have to sneak up to the room while she's down at the bar to try to pull it off. I go into the bathroom, drop the deuce, grab the glass and go in to try to scoop.
Granted, I wasn't as drunk as I was in college the first time I did this, so I kind of tried to do a swooshing motion with the glass in order to get the poop in the glass. This only resulted in causing a little wave in the toilet — enough to force the turd up over the rim and go scooting across the bathroom floor.

Me: "The slippery eel"

AJ: Indeed. So now I have this wet turd on Aileen's bathroom floor and I have no idea when she's coming up. I frantically pick it up with some gobs of toilet paper and throw it back in the bowl. Knock on the door. It's Cooke. He comes in, the smell hits him, and he's like "What the fuck happened?!" As I explain to him the situation and the turd scooting across the floor, he proceeds to vomit in the hotel sink. So now we're both frantically trying to get the puke out of the sink and the lingering turd smell out of the room before Aileen comes back up. Knowing her, she'd probably call the police on us and never speak to us again. We succeed. However, that night, I reveal to Dorfman what my plan was and tell him the whole ordeal. He thinks it's the greatest thing in the world and proceeds to tell the whole wedding party about what happened. The next day at breakfast, Aileen won't even speak to me again because she heard about the whole thing. And that's the Last Pickle In The Jar.

Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:

Tom Cable*
Jim Zorn
Eric Mangini
Jim Mora
Dick Jauron – FIRED!
Lovie Smith
Wade Phillips

Ugh. These stirring turnarounds by the Titans and other miserable teams has reduced our firing pool significantly. Come on, bad teams. Suck MORE.

Thanksgiving Snack Of The Week

French's Fried Onions. Every year, we make the white trash green bean casserole, and I eat half the can of onions before they've even gone into the mix. Especially the big, chunky ones that have been fused together in the frying process. This annoyed the Mrs. So I suggested, this year, that she buy TWO cans of the things. One for the casserole. The other for my snacking enjoyment. "How about you just keep your fat ass away from the one can I buy?" she said. Pfft. That's hardly a feasible option, woman.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

Sportz! Reader DT writes in:

This is not a recommendation but rather a warning. Take heed.

High school. Texas. Mid-90s. There was this family-owned, Middle Eastern grocery that would sell us beer after-hours, in an alley behind the store. Very classy. And they charged us practically double since we were very clearly teenagers and not of legal drinking age. Because of that, WHAT we drank was completely at their discretion. There was a lot of Thunderbird and Mad Dog 20/20 ("Oooh! I hope it's Banana Red this week!") and the Beast and shit like that, but eventually they decided that even that stuff was too good for us, so they would just bring us whatever warm piss they couldn't sell. And that was how Sportz beer was introduced into my life. It was so bad you couldn't even bong it. For years it ruined beer for me altogether. Anything that makes you long wistfully for Mad Dog is pure evil.

Oh man, does that beer look horrible. I MUST HAVE IT.

Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.

"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP this year is Brett Favre of the Vikings. The old man! The gunslinger! You know, I too knew a gunslinger in my day. JOHN FORD! The one and only. Stagecoach? You bet! How Green Was My Valley? Very green, indeed. Ol' Ford loved taking his guns around with him anywhere he went on the set. Said it helped him keep the crew on their toes. One time, I saw Ford pull a gun on his DP. And he told that poor sucker, ‘Son, you don't get me a proper sunset, I'll shoot this gun right into your stupid little skull.' And I'll be damned if that DP didn't use all the shades and filters at his disposal to make a rainy evening look like the Grand Canyon at dusk! It's amazing what a director can do with a gun in his hands. I miss those days. Crazy? YOU BET! Glorious? Goddamn right."

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans

Star Trek. Here, in one corner, we have Spock. Coldly analytical. Devoid of feelings. Dismissive of emotional factors and relying only on sound math and logic. In the other corner, we have Kirk. Impulsive. RECKLESS. Goes with his gut. Don't you see what's really going on here? Spock is Ken Tremendous: a SABREMETRICIAN OF INTERPLANETARY WARFARE. And Kirk is Buzz Bissinger, and the Romulans really piss the shit out of him. And Bones is Murray Chass.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"My parents won't let me use scissors!"

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Nina Senicar. (NSFWCC) She's foreign.
-For the gals: Pro surfer Kelly Slater. Pfft. What's he got that I don't besides a toned body, tremendous athletic ability, and a natural kinship with the sea?

Enjoy the games, everyone. Happy Thanksgiving. Drive safely.

Court records say that Herbert Simpson of Philadelphia sent the 63-year-old Coughlin letters threatening to "expose a fictitious sexual tryst with two women" and demanding $20,000 to $30,000 to keep quiet. Obviously, no one on Earth would ever believe that story so it wasn't the most impressive plan. Coughlin himself could hold a press conference tomorrow admitting that he had a threeway with two chicks and had the video to prove it and reporters would still laugh him off the stage.

Yeah, I'm going to go with "crazy person."

Man Pleads Guilty in Threats to Giants Coach [1010WINS]

It was famously said of Layne that "he never lost a game, he just ran out of time." Well, Matthew Stafford did run out of time yesterday and still managed to pull off a legendary come-from behind victory on the last play against the Browns. With only one arm. Urban legend has it that Layne once got in a car accident while driving drunk on a Saturday night, then showed up on Sunday morning and led the Lions to a win. Stafford—who attended the same high school as Layne, don'tcha know—picked himself up off the sideline with a busted shoulder to throw a game-winning touchdown. (He sort of had no choice. Daunte Culpepper sure didn't want to do it and putting on a helmet would have ruined the whole LPGA golfer look that Drew Stanton had going on.)

Urban legend also has it that Layne cursed his former franchise to 50 years of losing after they traded him away in 1958. Well, we're at 51 and counting, but perhaps the statute of limitations has finally been lifted. The team is still a long way from being good, but could they finally havefound the leader with that mythical toughness that inspires nations and make women weep? No one knows what "it" is, but he's got it! If you're going to build yourself a legend, Sunday's "gritty" 5-TD performance would be a good way to start.

Years from now, every Lions fan will talk about how they saw this man in this game and knew that things had finally turned around for this hapless franchise ... and you will know that they are lying because the stadium was half-full and the game was blacked out. (More on that later.) Stafford probably won't play during their nationally televised Thanksgiving game in four days when his team will undoubtedly be spanked, so the legend is going to need a little more time to simmer. But what a glorious four days they will be for Lions fans. Naturally, the greatest post-game glow of good feelings that they've seen in years had to come during the short week.

[Photo: Julian H. Gonzalez/Detroit Free Press]

Matthew Stafford, Matt Cassel lead way in NFL Week 11 [Peter King]
Stafford winning teammates over [The Morning Sun]
There's no doubt now: Stafford is strong enough to lead [Detroit Free Press]
In battle of the bottom, Lions and Browns play a thriller [MJD]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Brady Quinn: Looks like someone else benefited from facing a porous secondary and a non-existent pass rush. When you can double your career touchdown total in one quarter, you know the only way to go is up. [Tribune Chronicle - Warren, OH]

San Diego Chargers: Remember when some idiot wrote that Denver had pretty much sewn up the AFC West and Josh McDaniels was the new George Halas? The term you're looking for is "short-sighted." [BroncoTalk]

Real Salt Lake: Why does a team from Utah have a Spanish name? And how does a team with a losing regular-season record win your league championship? (Oh, right. Penalty kicks.) [Salt Lake Tribune]

And who is the Weekend Loser? Anyone who enjoys picking on Charlie Weis. Remember ... if he gets fired, then you can't make fun of Charlie Weis anymore. (And Notre Dame might actually get better.) It's quite a catch, that Catch-22. [Sporting News]

•Chiefs 27, Steelers 24. Driving confidently during overtime, Ben Roethlisberger took a knee to the head and Charlie Batch couldn't finish the job. KC had no problems going the other way for the winning FG, and that Steelers D without Troy Polamalu looks really, really vulnerable.

•Colts 17, Ravens 15. When's the last time Peyton Manning threw more INTs than TDs? (Rhetorical question, know-it-all commenters.) It was the Colts defense that carried the day, keeping Baltimore out of the end zone, and picking off a marching Joe Flacco inside the red zone to seal it.

•Giants 34, Falcons 31. The Giants once again blew a fourth quarter lead, but won the coin toss in overtime and pulled out the win. This game was decided in the air, with the teams combining for 600 yards passing and only 178 rushing. Eli Manning has 384 yards and three TDs.

•Lions 38, Browns 37. *checks box score* I'm going to assume this is all a misprint and will be cleared up soon, but Matthew Stafford and Brady Quinn combined for 9 touchdowns and 724 yards. Stafford pulled off the miracle finish of the year, scrambling for his life before lofting a 32 yard pass into the end zone that got whistled for defensive pass interference. With no time on the clock, Stafford then tossed it in from the 1 for an epic, epic win.

•Packers 30, 49ers 24. Green Bay seemingly had this one in hand, but Michael Crabtree's first career score set off a furious San Francisco rally that simply ran out of time.

•Cowboys 7, Redskins 6. There are defensive showdowns, and then there's this horrid excuse for a game. Rock Cartwright, third on the depth chart, led Washington on the ground and in the air, but the real star was Nick Folk, who nailed the extra point with 2:41 left to mercifully prevent this one from going to overtime.

•Jaguars 18, Bills 15. Maybe Ryan Fitzpatrick isn't a great QB, but at least he remembers he has Terrell Owens on his team. But TO's 197 yards wasn't enough to make a different, as David Garrard led the Jags down the field to score with a minute left.

•Saints 38, Buccaneers 7. At least the Bucs led in this one, right? That counts for something. Not as much as 38 unanswered points, but still.

•Vikings 35, Seahawks 9. Hey, Tarvaris Jackson had a touchdown pass in this one! That's generally a sign that the game got out of hand early, and sure enough Brett Favre had TD passes on three straight drives to end the first half.

Prana is a sort of life force referenced in ancient Hindu texts, so that's not particularly weird on its own. Reiki, acupuncture, or even massage is based on similar principles. But Williams's pranic healer treats him even during games - from his home in Orange County, California. That's right: telepathic treatment.

Ricky will send me a text message saying, for example, to work on his ankle," [Daniel] O'Hara said. O'Hara, in Orange County, Calif., will then "visualize Ricky's ankle as if he's standing in front of me. I visualize him glowing. I make a sweeping motion over my ankle to remove the dirty energy from his ankle that's creating an abnormality and give his body fresh, revitalizing energy.''

"Ricky could be doing anything when I'm doing this — watching TV, sleeping,'' O'Hara said. "It's like a voodoo doll. I know it sounds strange.''

O'Hara said Williams then text messages him indicating how the body part feels. "He says it's a four, and I'll try to get it to a 10. It takes me four minutes with Ricky because he meditates and has positive energy. It could take 25 minutes with somebody else. He's special.''

You laugh, but O'Hara claims Ricky sprained an ankle last month, but his technique healed him completely by the time he got to the sideline. So considering the 7-second delay on live TV, pranic healing not only works a distance, but backwards through time.

Alternative Healing Helps Miami Dolphins' Ricky Williams Stay Fit [Miami Herald]

At a Wisconsin National Guard camp outside Baghdad, detainees have learned the effectiveness of bringing up number 4 in taunting the soldiers. How this wasn't specifically covered in the Geneva Convention, I'll never know.

They know Favre by name," said First Lieutenant Tim Boehnen, who is from New Richmond, Wis.

"One of the big words they know now is shenanigans. They'll constantly talk about 'Favre shenanigans,' 'He's so good for the Vikings,' and 'The Packers have got to really feel bad about that one.' "

"They obviously then started up the conversations, and started talking about Brett Favre. They soon learned about Favre going to the Vikings, and things just started going downhill from there."

Detainees are reportedly also bringing up Ryan Grant's diminishing YPC average, showing soldiers the Aaron Rodgers Sack Tracker, and teasing them about drafting Greg Jennings when Brandon Marshall was still on the board.

Detainees at Camp in Iraq Use Favre To Tease Wisconsin Soldiers [WTMJ]

Touchdown Jacksonville was a group largely responsible for convincing the NFL's owners that north Florida could support a football team. We saw how that turned out: every single home game thus far has been blacked out locally.

When the group was revived earlier this month, there were five remaining home dates. Much like a surgeon willing to leave the patient a limbless torso in order to keep the gangrene from killing him completely, they've made the final home game of the year the focus of their efforts (codenamed TEALgate Party) That's right: if the Jags can almost sell out a single game in 2009, it will be considered a success.

The December 17th game against the Colts has always looked like the most likely game to sell out. For one, the greatest QB of our generation is coming to town. Secondly. it'll be on national TV and no one wants to look bad in front of Rich Eisen. Finally, it's a Thursday night game, and since Jacksonville shuts down for the weekends, perhaps people will be able to attend.

But Touchdown Jacksonville is taking no chances:

Single-game ticket sales will include a coupon for $10, good for food, drinks or merchandise at the game if ticket buyers give the code word "teal" when ordering by phone or click on a Touchdown Jacksonville Web banner when ordering through Jaguars.com.

That's not all of the group's approach to boosting sales. Mike Hightower, chairman of the Jacksonville Regional Chamber of Commerce, said members of the chamber's councils are working with their groups of businesspeople to sell tickets. Jacksonville lawyer Wayne Hogan said his law firm will have its Christmas party at the TEALgate party and that it will fill about 100 seats at the game.

Strong work, Wayne Hogan. Jacksonvillians will be watching their team get blown out on national TV in no time!

Which brings us to the only remaining question: which sounds better, Los Angeles Jaguars, or London Jaguars?

Touchdown Jacksonville Has Big Plans For Jaguars' Dec. 17 Game [Florida Times-Union]

No time to waste this week, everyone. We're a mere week away from THANKSFUCKINGIVING, and I'm about to blow my stuffing.

Just a couple weeks ago, we had a pre-Thanksgiving at my in-laws. Everyone came over early on Sunday afternoon. There were appetizers out on the table, including chips and beer and what not. And my wife's mom made meatloaf and two kinds of potatoes and all this cool shit. It wasn't quite Thanksgiving. But it was juuust close enough in resemblance to be fucking awesome, and to get me jazzed for the real deal. And there was football on. AND BEER. Best of all, there were grandparents around to look after the goddamn kids, so I could go watch football uninterrupted. If you have kids, you know how important having an extra pair of hands around is. I'd let Charles Manson into my home if he agreed to look after the kid for ten minutes. I tell you, it's BLISS.

Anyway, I highly recommend the pre-Thanksgiving to all of you with family close by. Now, onto the Jamboroo.

The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Jets at Patriots: By now, the Belichick fourth down gamble has been dissected from every angle possible, and the consensus is that A) Mathematically speaking, he was right to go for it, and B) He did a shitty job burning timeouts prior to the play, leaving him unable to challenge the Faulk catch. So he made a good call, but he doesn't get completely off the hook for it. While I delight in any failure Belichick experiences in his life, it's sad to know that future coaches will encounter similar situations somewhere down the line, remember the heat Belichick took, and decide to punt the ball.

That blows, because there's nothing more exciting than plays like that one, where the coach decides to say FUCK IT and goes for the win. What Belichick did wasn't all that different from a coach deciding to go for two at the end of a game, instead of kicking the PAT to send the game into overtime. Tom Osborne did that eons ago against Miami in the 1984 Orange Bowl, and failed. Mike Tice and Mike Shanahan both did it in the NFL this decade, and succeeded (NOTE: Tice's call came in the midst of a losing season, with no playoff berth at stake). All three of those coaches, even Osborne, got respect for their decisions. Belichick is taking more heat, because he's an asshole. But I appreciate that asshole for making things pretty interesting. Too bad he'll be the last coach to ever try it.

This game is the best late game on Sunday. If you're like me, you enjoy falling asleep right around the half of any 4:15 game and waking up sometime shortly after the fourth quarter has started. There's nothing like that post nap feeling, where you wake up on the couch, and you're under a blanket, and everything is warm and comfy. It's a delight. You usually have to go piss, but you don't want to because you're so snug and happy. Sometimes, you fall BACK asleep, for the double nap. Double naps rule.

Sometimes, I fall asleep during the 4:15 game and wake up right during the local news update at the half, which completely confuses me. What happened? Is the game already over? Is it 11PM? WHAT YEAR IS THIS?!

Chargers at Broncos: You know who'd be a kickass phone sex operator? That Barefoot Contessa lady. Sure, she's an uppity Hamptons cunt, but she's definitely got that Kathleen Turner phone sex operator voice. FLINTY. Oh, I'll make outrageous brownies with you, all right.

Also, NO MORE BYE WEEKS! FUCK YEAH! We made it! Nothing but wall-to-wall sixteen game weekends for the next month and a half. Enjoy it everyone, because it always ends much sooner than you'd like. THE ONGOING MARCH OF TIME BLOWS.

Colts at Ravens: Rich Eisen called it two weeks ago. Ed Reed refuses to run back an interception without lateraling. It's awesome. He's the best lateraler the game has ever seen. Apologies to Frank Wycheck.

Four Throwgasms

Falcons at Giants: I keep seeing ads for Tori Amos' Christmas album. That is the world's most unlikely artist to ever release a Christmas album. Even a Cat Stevens Christmas album would be less surprising. I know Dylan has one out now, but that's NOTHING compared to the idea of Tori Amos doing a Christmas album. I swear the ads for it look like an SNL sketch. Here are some of the song titles from the album.

-"A Silent Night With You"
-"Candle: Conventry Carol"
-"Merry Christmas. I Was Raped."

Three Throwgasms

Titans at Texans: It's not completely insane to think the Titans could end up running the table. They could beat Indy and San Diego, the two toughest teams they have left. Chris Johnson is laying waste to everything in sight right now. And the defense is solid now that Cortland Finnegan is back. When he was out, the Titans lost three games by an average of 33 points. GOD BLESS THAT FEISTY LITTLE FRECKLED BLACK IRISHMAN.

Dolphins at Panthers: Winner gets to .500! Tonight! Neat!

49ers at Packers: I still don't know what Mike Singletary's job is in that Verizon ad. Is he trying to direct the mob? Because he's failing. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS JUST BLEW RIGHT BY YOU, GOD BOY.

Eagles at Bears: I said earlier this week that I get weirded out when people do cocaine in front of me. Know what else freaks me out? Coke pinkies. You know the ones. Those slimy guys who grow one pinky nail extra long so they can use it as a coke spoon? That's creepy as shit. Sometimes you see that coke pinky on a cab driver, and you know he's about to run twelve red lights.

Two Throwgasms

Redskins at Cowboys: The only thing more boring than when the Redskins lose is when they win. DC people are somewhat happy. No signs are confiscated. No one's threatening to jam a fork into Snyder's asshole. Everyone gets excited because Portis finally got hurt. BORING.

Earlier this year, Jay Mariotti, who is retarded, castigated Tony Romo for wearing his hat backwards. He considered this a sign that Romo took far too casual an attitude towards his performances. This is, of course, an idiotic line of reasoning. HOWEVER, it should be noted that, last week, after losing to Green Bay, Romo wore a newsboy cap to his press conference. I don't care if you're fucking Obama, seeing any man in a newsboy cap makes me want to kick them in the face.

Bills at Jaguars: Congratulations to Dick Jauron for winning this year's First Coach Fired pool. Now he can go back to being dead. Which team will exhume him for d-coordinator duties next year? You'll just have to find out!

Seahawks at Vikings: During the Lions-Vikings telecast last week, they cut to a lady in the stands holding up a sign that said YOU BRETTCHA. Guhhhhhhh. STOP MAKING ME ASHAMED TO LIKE MY OWN TEAM, YOU HARPY.

One Throwgasm

Steelers at Chiefs: The Steelers have allowed a return touchdown in seven straight games. HOLY SHIT!

By the way, it's nice to see that Ben Roethlisberger maintains the exact same haircut schedule I had in college. He shaves his head, then lets it grow out until he's got little hairwings sprouting up all underneath his hat, then he has his friend do the number 2 cut on him again. It's the biannual haircut schedule. It's getting long again now. You can see the wisps sticking out under his helmet. His mom is totally gonna make him cut it. I swear to you, in about a week or so, he'll shave it all off, and his mom will get mad and say, "Why can't you get a NORMAL haircut? At a damn barbershop? Why do you always let your friends butcher you like this?"

Bengals at Raiders: The Raiders play in one of those stadiums where somehow half the field is in scorching bright daylight all game long, and the other half is in pitch black, I-have-lost-all-depth-perception darkness all game long. Cincy's home field is that way, too. I swear, you could go blind watching games on TV played in these stadiums. One second, Ocho is running through the dark part of the field, then he cuts, and your eyes follow him, and BOOM! Your eyeballs melt into your fucking skull. We need more dome teams. We really do. This is far too much sunlight for my tastes.

Browns at Lions: There are a lot of GEICO ads on during these games, and they always end with the tag, "15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance." Have you ever been on a phone with a company for fifteen minutes? It's anguish. Two minutes on hold, and I'm ready to throw the receiver against the fucking wall. It's so not worth saving 15% for that.

Saints at Bucs: From Mr. KOGOD comes the genius that is HIGHDEAS, the website that catalogs good ideas you have while you're high.

…Arby's specialize in Roast Beef sandwiches, Roast Beef, R B, Are Bee, Arby's, seriously I hope I blow at least 1000 minds with this one…

… i think it would be hella cool if people could slither around like a snake then when u lyin down on the couch after smokin and want sumfin but dont wanna get up u could just slither around…

…Wouldn't it be a great highDEA if Sarah Palin went parasailing and thereby and henceforth changed the name of the activity to be called "Parah sailin" forevermore?…

Indeed. When I used to get high, I used to think about smoking different foods. I envisioned finding a way to smoke chili, by wrapping it in cheesecloth bag and hanging it in a smokehouse. I was determined to have it canned and sell it and everything. AND I was going to make hot dog chili. Chili comprised entirely of hot dog meat. SMOKED.

I never really developed a business model for this. But it sounded AWESOME when I thought of it.

Cardinals at Rams

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

"Step Out," by Oasis. I hate the fact that I like Oasis. The Gallagher brothers are the two biggest assholes on Earth, without any charm to redeem them. They sample more than Diddy (The chorus to this song is lifted from "Uptight" by Stevie Wonder). And they haven't made a decent full album in 14 years. Also, they broke up for the millionth time this summer. They're immensely irritating people, and I hated them with every fiber of my being when "Wonderwall" hit back in the 90's. And yet, I'm now powerless to resist them. Everyone has a band they hated at first, and then came to obsess over. Oasis is mine. Stupid Noel and Liam. YOU RUINED PATSY KENSIT'S PERFECT BOOBS, LIAM.

Back when she was pregnant with our first kid, I took my wife to an Oasis show. It was so loud, she thought the sonic vibrations were going to cause her to have a miscarriage. She didn't, of course. But I like the idea of a band being loud enough to eject a fetus from my wife's body five months in advance. That would fucking rock.

Embarassing Album I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up

"Heart," by Heart. I had both this album and "Bad Animals," the one that had "Alone" on it. I remember when MTV used to count down the top 100 videos of all time. Every year, they'd switch up the top of the order just for shits and giggles. "Thriller" was usually #1, but I swear that there was a year when "These Dreams" took over the summit. That video looks retarded now. But back in the 80‘s, it was the coolest fucking thing I'd ever seen. HEXAGONAL DRUMS, PEOPLE. Still a good song.

There was a classical music station I used to listen to a long time ago. They used to play "Magic Man" every goddamn hour. I swear, that song is 35 minutes long. If you were unlucky, they'd also throw "Barracuda" into the mix with it. OOOOOH, BARRACUDA! I never need to hear those two songs ever again ever.

Open Mailbag Tuesdays
Got something you want displayed for show and tell in the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag? Your debilitating cocaine addiction, perhaps? Email me any question or observation you like.

Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
I have to put Maurice Jones-Drew here, because surely his kneel-down at the one cost at least one person out there a fantasy game. But MJD has been a monster all season long, and he only knelt at the one because Eddie Money ordered him to. So really, it's Del Rio that deserves your scorn if he cost you the game last week. Stupid Del Rio. YOUR BRILLIANT STRATEGY MAY HAVE COST PEOPLE LIVES, YOU FUCK.

It would have been spectacularly amusing if the Jags had ended up missing that winning field goal, or having it blocked. You'd fully expect that sort of thing to happen to Jack Del Rio. In fact, it's a bizarre world where Del Rio's controversial strategy prevails and Belichick's fails spectacularly.

Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suicide pick of the Jets was incorrect, making me 8-2 on the year. That puts the Jets, Falcons, Bears, Colts, Eagles, Vikings, Texans, Ravens, Saints and Skins off the board now. We once again pick a team for your suicide pool and something that makes you WANT to commit suicide. This week's pick? Pittsburgh, and child car seats. They air ads now suggesting that all children must sit in booster car seats until they are 4'9". FOUR FOOT FUCKING NINE. There are Costases who never grow that high. It's completely out of control. I gotta keep a fucking booster seat in my car until my fucking kid is 15? And take it with us any time we travel? That's insane. I swear to you, 80% of your time being a dad consists of installing and uninstalling car seats. And adjusting the strap height, too. THE FUCKING BUCKLE ALWAYS FALLS INTO THE CREVICE. Stupid kids. Next time, I'm adopting an 18-year-old.

Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

"This week, I like the Jets getting 10.5 points against New England on the road. I see Sarah Palin had a book come out this week. I like that lady. She embodies the hard-working, down home white folk that helped make America what it is today. Also, I'd finfuck her until her hair fell out."

2009 Nazi Shark Record: 6-4. Oooh, and check out KOGOD's link to the Fuck Yeah Sharks Tumblr. And Ufford has a link to NAZI DINOSAURS! NAZI FUCKING DINOSAURS! NAZI SHARK VS. NAZI DINOSAUR – WHO YA GOT?

This Week's Pants Party Winner
Last week's Pants Party winner was J. Mullins. He gets free rant space here:

I'm getting married on Nov. 14. As this posts I'm sitting on a beach in Mexico happy that I don't have to care if I can't watch the Bears get rolled by the Eagles Sunday. Fuck you Lovie Smith. And Jerry Angelo...some fucking talent this team has. Cutler might die b/c of this O-line. There's more holes in this Cover-2 than the number of f-bombs in a Jambaroo column. It's not a post Super Bowl loss hangover anymore...it's just pathetic. But at least I'm happily married. Now where's my turkey and pumpkin pie? Happy Thanksgiving to the rest of you assholes!

Awww, new love. He has NO FUCKING CLUE what's coming. This week's Pants Party winner was J. Ramirez. J. Ramirez, come and claim your prize. No, it's not permanent amnesty to the US. HEY-O!!!!

Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Dave chimes in with a story I call, "Poopy Hour":

A few years ago, I had gone out for a happy hour with some co-workers right after work, and then gone shopping for some clothes (rest assured, this is relevant). I had a few Guinnesses and your usual greasy bar fare. The next morning I had a bit of a hangover, but nothing that a cup of strong black coffee couldn't cure. I get into work, grab a cup of coffee and a bacon egg and cheese sandwich. After I finish, I sense the rumblings of a massive Guinness/Bar Grease/Coffee/Bacon shit in the pit of my stomach. I had nothing to read so I grab my Palm Pilot and proceed to the handicapped stall.

The shit's flowing nicely, I'm reading the news on my Palm when I drop it. It skids across to the next stall, and I get up fast with my pants still around my ankles to retrieve my Palm. Unbeknownst to me, a huge glop of shit had fallen on the floor when I got up. The back of my pants dropped right into that big glop of shit. Motherfucker!!

I carefully took them off and hung them up on the door. I emptied about half the toilet paper roll to clean up the shit on the floor and even from the tile grout. I put my pants back on carefully and started to clean them up with water and soap. This only sank the shit further into my pants. What made it worse was that a guy next to me was washing his hands and looking at me strangely. I just averted my eyes and kept cleaning my pants. They still stank, and I had a full day of work ahead of me. I remembered that I had bought some pants the night before and they were still sitting in the trunk of my car. I walked outside with my back to the wall so that no one could see the massive shit stain on my pants.

As soon as I walk out the door, there's about 10 people smoking and staring at my odd behavior. I ran to the parking garage got a pair of pants from the trunk of my car, ripped the labels off, sat crouched in the passenger seat, took off my dirty pants and boxers and sat down to change when all of a sudden something buzzed up against my ass, causing me to jump so high as to nearly knock myself out on the roof of my car. Turns out I left my fucking shaver (yeah I drive and shave) on the seat and sat on it, causing it to take a clump off my buttcheek hair. Finally, I got my new pants on, sans any underwear, sat back down on the fucking shaver once more causing it to buzz my ass again. I nearly fucking broke my window, cursing at everyone and anyone for how my day started.

Dude, never use an electric shaver. Ever.

Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:

Tom Cable*
Jim Zorn
Eric Mangini
Jim Mora
Jeff Fisher
Dick Jauron – FIRED!
Todd Haley
Lovie Smith
Andy Reid
Mike McCarthy

We welcome Mike "Beaver" McCarthy to the chopping block a week too late. Still, despite beating Dallas, he belongs here for trying to challenge a call when he had no challenges left. And he wasn't penalized! You can get away with such things when Jeff Triplette is on duty.

Gametime Snack Of The Week

Cereal! I'm 33 years old, and I still put sugar on my cereal if it's not sweet enough for my liking. Rice Krispies. Corn Flakes. Plain Cheerios. I sugar all of those fuckers. At least two spoonfuls. The best part of it is when you finish the cereal, and you dredge the bottom of the bowl with your spoon, and there's some sugar left. You can see the little mound of it on the end of your spoon. That sugar is fucking delicious. Mmmmm, milky sugar.

Yes, I had a cavity filled last week. Why do you ask?

My mom used to give me those small travel boxes of Apple Jacks and other cereals with me to school. The variety packs you buy in the store for kids. You get about half a cup of cereal in those things. It's never enough.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

Tell! Official cheap beer of Switzerland! Reader Brad writes in:

Now that you have entered the international sphere for you cheap beer of the week, I nominate Coop brand beers. Coop is one of two major supermarket chains in Switzerland, and its beer selection is clearly superior to the competition. All of them are 50cl, or just bigger than your standard tall boy. My personal favorite was the Tell brand, promoting Swiss national hero William Tell.

When you are a college student studying abroad in Geneva, the world's most expensive city, getting drunk on the cheap is THE priority. A sixer of Tell would go for the equivalent of $4. They also had 80 proof liquors, branded as "Gin," "Vodka," and "Rum." Best part, they were normally mislabeled. It was like playing Russian roulette when buying handles. So the normal night consisted of downing a couple shots of mystery booze, a bottle of cooking wine ($1.50), and a sixer of Tell.

Geneva is also the place I became acquainted with the Backdraft shot. It involves the inhaling of alcohol vapor, which is a required part of hitting on 17-year-old Swiss lesbians in bars.

Let's see you find information that useful in a REAL travel guide. Suck it, Fodor! Also, I've been to Switzerland. Brad is right. Not only is it the most expensive place in the universe, it's also the dullest.

Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.

"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP this year is Peyton Manning of the Colts! All alone now! Cock of the walk! Top of the heap! Now, let me tell you about the time I had sex with Linda Evans on top of a mountain in Aspen back in '81. I had my Filipino assistant, Sammy, lay out a twelve-course meal at the top of the slope. Caviar? You bet! Antelope liver? Sure, why not. I also told the gondola operator to stop the ride midway up the mountain! When our little gondola froze in the middle of the night, Linda turned to me and said, ‘You planned this, didn't you, Evans?' And I said BABY, YOUR DAMN RIGHT EVANS DID. Let me tell you something, Evans and Evans made that gondola SWING that night! Damn near made the thing leap off the cable! By the time I gave the signal to start the ride again, we could have eaten fifty courses! That's Aspen in a nutshell for you. Glamorous? YOU KNOW IT! Sex in mid air with one of TV's great dames? Damn straight."

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans

Duplicity. I don't think I've ever seen a Julia Roberts movie where Julia Roberts doesn't play I character I want to knee in the tits.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Stupid fly! YOU GO SQUISH NOW!"

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: KOGOD brings us this gallery of extreme body painting. (NSFWCC) It's nerd sexy.
-For the gals: Sexy Ryan Gosling. I fucked hated that Half Nelson movie.

Enjoy the games, everyone.

Pittsburgh's Zack Heddinger claims he was just chilling at Kitty O'Shea's bar in downtown Chicago after the Steelers lost to the Bears on September 20. He and his buddies participated in some good-natured ribbing with the locals that apparently got out of hand, until one of the Chicagoans offered Heddiger a drink as a peace offering. Side effects of the beverage included loss of vision and heart stoppage.

Not long after taking the drink, Heddinger passed out and was rushed to a nearby hospital, his heart stopping four times. At first, doctors thought he had too much to drink, but realized there was more to it.

"They thought it was antifreeze or something like that …because it was so strong," said Heddinger.

Heddidger's family even flew to Chicago because they thought he was going to die. He says his vision has still not returned and he may have suffered permanent brain damage. According to the report, doctors now say he might have been poisoned by "toxic grain alcohol," which is just ... wow. Who knows what that little kid put in Mean Joe Greene's Coke?

Not surprisingly, Chicago police have zero leads on what happened to the perpetrators or the rest of the Bears' season.

Steelers Fan Says He Was Poisoned, Left Blind At Chicago Bar [WTAE Pittsburgh]

The Bengals have spent years trying to shed the perception that they are nothing but violent, drug-addled thugs who have little interest in playing proper football—-and now that they've done that, they are actually a good team again. I hate to sound like Gregg Easterbrook here, but ... why would you tempt fate like this? Coach Marvin Lewis says that if the team does sign Johnson, he would be nothing more than a fourth-string back up. Why fill such an inconsequential spot with a potential problem child? Because fourth RBs are so hard to come by?

Let's be clear, Larry Johnson wasn't fired from the Chiefs because he called someone a "faggot" on Twitter. He was dumped because he was an aging, unlikeable, not-very-good running back who had become an annoying thorn in his coach's side. The fact that he threw around anti-gay slurs in public was just a convenient excuse for K.C. to wash their hands of him. He was a distraction that an 0-and-whatever team did not need. So why does a first-place team need it?

I don't believe in football gods, but I do believe that guys who wear hats like this should probably stay unemployed.

Source: Larry Johnson expects to sign with Cincinnati Bengals [ESPN]