Game 5's aura hung over Mellon Arena. The Penguins had snatched victory, $6 champagne, and the Stanley Cup away from Detroit. Would this young team continue to shock the hockey world? Or would Detroit hunker down and play the style of hockey that led them to this point?

Detroit started the game inauspiciously enough. Petr Sykora attempted to get the Pens on the board early when Niklas Kronwall accidentally backhanded a weak pass directly at the Czech forward. However, unlike Game 5, Sykora did not guarantee anything to Pierre McGuire, so Chris Osgood trapped the puck between his legs. Three minutes later, with the Red Wings on the power play, Henrik Zetterberg found Brian Rafalski, whose wrist shot deflected off Hal Gill and past Marc-Andre Fleury. Detroit complicated their early lead by taking two minor penalties 27 seconds apart, but the foursome of Zetterberg, Lidstrom, Kronwall, and Osgood allowed only two shots during this period.

The second period brought more open ice than the first, but the Red Wings still controlled the game's tempo. More important, Fleury's fivehole weakness came to light. With 8:05 remaining, the Pittsburgh netminder stopped a sharp-angle slapper from Mikael Samuelsson, leaving a big rebound. Valtteri Filppula's backhanded swat at the rebound did not leave the ice, but found its way in between Fleury's pads and into the net, giving Detroit a 2-0. Mellon Arena remained stunned until Evgeni Malkin scored his first goal of the series on a power play to reduce the deficit to one again.

When the third period started, Fleury, the player who saved the Pens' tails in Game 5, needed to show that same poise and concentration that necessitated a sixth game; Detroit's suffocating trap yielded few chances for a sustained attack. Unfortunately for Pittsburgh, he could not maintain that level of play. Zetterberg, the most dangerous man in the playoffs, skated one-on-four into the Penguins zone before ripping a wrist shot that Fleury slowed down before it passed through his legs and stopped inches short of the net. From the main angle, the puck appeared to be under Fleury, but the referee behind the net saw that the puck was not covered. Fleury, also not aware of the puck's location, instinctively fell backwards. Instead, he knocked the puck into his own net before a defenseman could sweep it under his back, and Zetterberg scored his 13th of the playoffs.

Most Red Wings fans believed that a two goal lead would be insurmountable at this point, as Detroit had allowed only three shots through 17 minutes, but how quickly they forgot the series' previous game. After Jiri Hudler's hooking penalty with 1:47 remaining, Pittsburgh pulled Fleury. Twenty seconds later, Marian Hossa niftily deflected Sergei Gonchar's wrist shot past Osgood. Pittsburgh still had life, but they needed another goal. Detroit let the Penguins enter their zone again but cleared the puck with eight seconds remaining. Sidney Crosby, silent until this point, let go one last backhanded shot that Osgood could not control completely, leaving a rebound to Marian Hossa, but the Pens' trade deadline acquisition could not release a shot before the horn sounded.

Detroit rushed to their goalie Osgood, a man who had returned to Detroit having failed in his previous ventures elsewhere. He started as a backup this postseason, and although he did not win the Conn Smythe Trophy (Zetterberg did, tallying 13 goals, 14 assists and penalty kill ice time during two 5-on-3's), he proved that he was not just a lucky goaltender with a great defense.

On the other side, Marian Hossa, an unrestricted free agent, slumped to the ice. Will he return to the Penguins? And what of Ryan Malone and Brooks Orpik, two other key cogs to the Penguins playoff run? Ray Shero will have a tough decision on who to keep.

Finally, to lighten the atmosphere, Gary Bettman appeared to hand out some hardware. After Zetterberg claimed the Conn Smythe Trophy, Lidstrom, the first European captain to win a Stanley Cup, skated over to the diminutive commissioner. After posing for his photo with Bettman, he returned to his team with hardware in hand and handed the Cup to Dallas Drake, the 16-year veteran who played in over one thousand games without reaching the Stanley Cup Finals. Drake signed a one-year deal last year, looking for one last championship opportunity. Although his struggle was not a media sensation like that of Ray Bourque, it was refreshing to see him glide over the ice, holding his dream above his head.

So ends another hockey season. Will Detroit succeed where other teams have failed and win consecutive Stanley Cups? They return with many of their major parts intact. Lidstrom, Zetterberg, Datsyuk, Holmstrom, Franzen, Osgood, and many others are signed through at least next year. Or will another team usurp them? We at MYFO cannot wait for September to come.

The five of us would like to thank Deadspin for the opportunity to provide you with myopic hockey analysis and supererogatory sophomoric humor and female body parts for the past two months (I'm most proud of giving the sobriquet "Sphincters" to San Jose's team). Even though the postseason is over, the NHL Entry Draft is June 20-21, and training camps start soon afterward. So, if you're looking for the best objective hockey analysis, stay far, far away from the hyperlink at the top of the page. However, if you're looking for a place to make fun of Steven Stamkos' hair, do peruse our fair site.

Supposedly, Babe Ruth pointed to the center field bleachers at Wrigley Field before hitting a home run on the very next pitch. What little proof we have of that event actually taking place is based on a grainy photograph and some old men who swear that it happened. This dubious evidence leads me to believe that the whole event never happened. On the other hand, I know that Petr Sykora said that he'd win the game for Pittsburgh, then he buried a power play goal in the third overtime to give the Penguins a 4-3 win.

Pittsburgh started the game in an inauspicious manner by committing back-to-back penalties. Brooks Orpik hooked Valteri Filppula 2:06 into the first period, but Detroit only managed two Nicklas Lidstrom blue-line slap shots. Nine seconds after Orpik was released, Therrien sent six players onto the ice, resulting in another Red Wings power play. Nevertheless, no damage was sustained, as Detroit committed a penalty of its own one minute later.

From that moment forward, the visiting Pens dominated the rest of the period. Tomas Holmstrom's neutral zone turnover led to Pascal "Don't Call Me Pascual, Ed Olczyk" Dupuis's entry into the Wings' zone. Marian Hossa's first shot attempt hit Chris Osgood's right shoulder, but Dupuis gathered the puck along the right wing boards, passed to Sidney Crosby behind the net, who found Hossa open in between the face-off circles. Hossa's wrist shot over Osgood's blocker put the Pens up 1-0.

Six minutes later, Adam Hall scored another fluke goal. After shaking free of Johan Franzen behind the net, he centered the puck, hoping for a Penguin teammate to shoot it. Instead, Niklas Kronwall picked off the pass. The Swedish defenseman, possessed by the spirit of Nicklas Backstrom, accidentally roofed the puck over Osgood's shoulder. All signs pointed to a dominant performance by the Penguins and a sure trip back to the Civic Arena.

Ahh, how twenty minutes of screaming and fortitude questioning can change everything. Detroit responded to whatever Mike Babcock said by playing the smothering, omnipresent trap that for which they're known. Two minutes into the second period, Kirk Maltby stopped Rob Scuderi's clearing attempt at the Pittsburgh blue line, passed to Darren Helm along the left wing boards, who let go a shot. Scuderi dove to block the shot, but he did not deflect the shot back to its target. Instead, he redirected the puck perfectly in between Marc-Andre Fleury's legs, resulting in a goal for the Wings.

Although no other goals were scored in the second period, the increased tempo resulted in multiple consecutive rushes by both teams. Multiple odd man rushes by both teams forced Osgood and Fleury to make outstanding saves after one goalie's team failed to score on the opposite end, including Fleury's acrobatic left toe save on a Detroit two-on-one with just under three minutes remaining in the second period. Immediately afterward, Sergei Gonchar, Pittsburgh's power play quarterback, crashed headfirst into the boards. He was not seen for the remainder of the period. Ryan Malone was also forced to the dressing room after a Hal Gill shot hit him in his broken nose.

The third period saw the return of Malone and Gonchar to the Pens' bench, but their presence mattered little to the Red Wings. Zetterberg and Datsyuk worked their magic on the power play, with the Swede's slap pass to the Russian, who tapped it in between Fleury's pads to tie the game. Three minutes later, Detroit took the lead on a Brian Rafalski snap shot off a Gonchar turnover. Rather than sink into a passive trap, Detroit continued to punish Pittsburgh once the former took the lead. Only Fleury's flailing limbs kept the score 3-2. After the final commercial break in the third period, NBC cut to Mike Bolt's livelihood, the Stanley Cup, being pulled out of its case.

A simple person would consider the previous act a jinx on the events that follow. I say that Detroit softened too quickly and could not handle Pittsburgh's adrenaline rush. Fleury skated to the bench with under two minutes to go in the third period. With 48 seconds remaining, Evgeni Malkin, who had been lost for the entire game, dumped the puck past Detroit's four men along the blue line. Franzen controlled, but lost the puck to Crosby along the right boards. He passed to Hossa in the right corner, who flung the puck at the net. Osgood left a juicy rebound for Max Talbot, whose second attempt tied the game and silenced the Joe Louis Arena. A late flurry of shots by the Red Wings was unable to end the game.

Detroit dominated the tempo during the first overtime, forcing Fleury to stop 13 shots, many which were not directly at the skating penguin on his chest. MAF stopped consecutive Kirk Maltby wrist shots on a Detroit odd man rush, a Datsyuk shot from the slot and Filppula's rebound, and a backhand off Zetterberg's stick. The Pens were granted a brief reprieve when Zetterberg was called for goaltender interference, but Pittsburgh was unable to capitalize on the referees' gift. A second overtime would be needed.

Pittsburgh played much better in the second overtime, outshooting Detroit eight to seven. They received another gift when Dan Cleary was called on another questionable goaltender interference call. However, Osgood and his teammates shut down the ensuing power play, including a nice turnaround slap shot by Malkin. Fleury still had the tougher saves, including a flashy glove save on Cleary that saved Pittsburgh's goose again. Sykora claimed that he would score the game-winning goal around this time, but before he was the hero, he hooked Niklas Kronwall in the Red Wings' zone with a little over two minutes remaining in the overtime. Thankfully, the Pens shut down the power play with few problems.

Nine minutes into the third overtime, the referees called a fair penalty on Detroit. Jiri Hudler, in an attempt to steal the puck from Rob Scuderi, clipped the Pittsburgh defenseman on the chin and drew blood, setting up a four minute power play. Gonchar, who had not played since his third period gaffe, returned to play the point. He set up Sykora for a one timer from outside the right face-off dot that traveled well wide of Osgood, but the puck hit the referee and came to Malkin, who passed to a streaking Sykora and the game was over.

Those of us who watched the entire ordeal may have feared the indifferent alarm clock this morning, but our memories of this game will last longer than that pounding headache. Both teams scratched and clawed their way back from deficits, and the third period caused headaches for fans on both sides. Best of all, we get to watch at least one more playoff hockey game.

Linkdump

An interview with Sidney Crosby and yesterday's hero. [Kukla's Korner]

Is Ron Wilson coaching the Leafs next year? [ San Jose Mercury News]

Finally, the Knob Hockey guys are at it again. I loved Tomas Holmstrom and Marc-Andre Fleury as those annoying twins in Ocean's Eleven!

If the Stanley Cup Finals were played out in the Star Trek: TNG Universe, one could say that Sidney Crosby, for the first time in the series, finally proved that his commission as Captain of the USS Penguin was fitting as he scored the first two goals in an incredibly entertaining 3-2 Pittsburgh victory over the visiting Detroit Red Wings.

The entire Q Continuum (NBC, Gary Bettman and the NHL) were very pleased with the outcome of last night's game. In support of Captain Crosby, Marian Hossa (2 assists) played the role of Commander William T. Riker and Adam Hall (goal) was Lieutenant Commander Data in this completely tired nerdy analogy.

The Penguins finally solved the newly-discovered ladykiller that is Chris Osgood late in the first period as Crosby scored the first goal for Pittsburgh in the series. The loyal fans in the Igloo rejoiced. And they were all wearing white, except for these douchenozzles. Crazy!

Sid the Kid put the Pens up 2-0 2:34 into the second period when Marian Hossa fired a shot which Osgood could not control and Crosby was there to bury the rebound home. Crosby pumped his fist and bedlam ensued.

Alas, Detroit wasn't about to quit so easily and they rediscovered their game in the latter half of the second period. Johan Franzen, shaking out the cobwebs resulting from recurring headaches, cut the score in half at the 14:48 mark. The score remained 2-1 Pens as the second period closed out.

The third period would be the most entertaining period thus far in the series, as the squads got physical, finishing every check and going after every loose puck. Osgood was a bit shaky at the outset, but held on. Unfortunately, he was finally beat after Gary Roberts worked hard to get the puck deep, and Adam Hall bounced a shot off Osgood's leg for a 3-1 Pittsburgh lead 7:18 into the third.

Of course, Detroit kept up the pressure as Tomas Holmstrom clanked one of the post. Mikael Samuelsson scored on Marc-Andre Fleury with 6:23 left in the game and things quickly became very interesting. Fortunately for the Penguins, they held on and ensured they would not be swept. Final Score: 3-2.

For the first time in three games, Marc-Andre Fleury outplayed Chris Osgood, making 32 saves and winning for the 19th straight time at the Igloo. Game 4 will be Saturday night on NBC.

Perhaps we will be fortunate enough to once again have Alexander Ovechkin appear during an intermission as he did last night. Much to the chagrin of the studio crew, Unfrozen Caveman Hockey Player refused to pick a winner in the Finals, even when pressed, which is more than you can say for the outfit he chose to wear. Eurotrash has never looked so…poorly kept?

Puckdumps

* Hockey Blogfather Greg Wyshynski purchased Chris Pronger's Hockey-Reference.com page and held a contest to see what slogan would be used. Check out the Final Five slogans and vote. Yours truly sponsored Derek Boogaard's page, you wanna fight about it? [Puck Daddy]

* I have no idea what they will have up when the NHL Closer is posted, but I'm sure it will be entertaining and terrifying all at the same time. [The Pensblog]

And finally, Steve Carell playing hockey. How could that be a bad thing?

This next game would not be a lackluster affair full of neutral zone traps and pre-lockout hockey. Major changes were planned for Game 2 for both teams. Johan Franzen, who scored twelve goals in eleven games for Detroit before being sidelined with concussion-like symptoms, shook the remaining cobwebs from his head and returned to the lineup. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh, looking for a sparkplug to add confidence to the young team, inserted fourth-line winger / assistant captain / human deity Gary Roberts into the fold. On top of this bold move, Michel Therrien mixed his lines to create the required offensive synergy. Ryan Malone was bumped up to Crosby's line, Max Talbot stopped waiting tables to free up space for Malkin, and Pascal Dupuis was dropped to the checking line. Surely this shakeup would generate offense for Pittsburgh and action for viewers.

Instead, Game 1 replayed itself. Detroit enveloped Pittsburgh in every facet of the game, winning the game 3-0 and jumping out to a 2-0 lead in the series. The Wings quickly scored two goals in the first period. Mark Stuart tallied the first 6:55 on a slap shot from the right point that newly-embattled goalie Marc-Andre Fleury could not control. The puck hit the top of Fleury's right pad, then continued its forward momentum into the net. Four minutes later, Tomas Holmstrom, like he always does, capitalized on the hard work of more talented players by tapping in a Zetterberg shot that squeaked through Fleury's five-hole.

After the initial onslaught, Detroit clogged the neutral zone, daring Pittsburgh to find a way through. This was a slow, painful process that resulted in tens of hopeful dumps and fruitless chases for both teams. The Pens garnered two power play opportunities through the first two periods, but could not dent Detroit's defense. Passing and shooting lanes closed before any Penguin could put a shot on Chris Osgood.

The third period brought controversy and insurance goals. During a Pens power play, Malone skated across the front of the Wings' net and grazed Osgood, who tumbled so quickly that Dominik Hasek stopped admiring his reflection and applauded. Malone was sent to the box for goaltender interference. During the ensuing four-on-four, Valtteri Filppula deked Kris Letang out of his skates, swept across the front of the Pens' net and slid the puck behind a stationary Fleury. With a secure 3-0 lead, there should have been no tomfoolery from Detroit's bench. However, the flopping was far from over.

Franzen, perhaps not wanting to be upstaged by Osgood, pulled a Cristiano Ronaldo special of his own a few minutes after Filppula's goal. After dumping the puck into the Penguins zone, Franzen stood at the offensive blue line. Roberts, doing what any player would do, pushed the Red Wing forward. Two seconds later, Franzen collapsed in a heap and required medical attention. After the television break, he was miraculously cured! Praise modern medicine!

Osgood, in turn, one-upped Franzen. With 1:15 remaining in the game and no chance for a Penguins comeback, Osgood pulled a Madame Butterfly and died when Petr Sykora lightly grazed him. Soon afterward, Brooks Orpik tangled with Andreas Lilja, Franzen (still cured!) pounded Malkin, and Roberts lost a quick battle with Pavel Datsyuk. Pens fans, your hero lost to a Lady Byng finalist. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Game 3 is Wednesday at Mellon Arena.

Puckdump

Will Zdeno Chara consider his life incomplete when he sees the leopard on Kilimanjaro? [Puck Daddy ]

Dave Nonis' last words … as a Canucks employee. [Orland Kurtenblog]

Grinders do so much good for our everyday life. They fill our stomachs, pulverize coffee beans, collect hashish powder and score goals in the most painful way possible outside of listening to Sean Avery whine about his mascara. Kris Draper scored his third goal of the playoffs 3:45 into the first period by using an archaic weapon: his chin. The mandible tally launched a three goal Detroit outburst in the period, leading to a 4-1 Red Wings victory and a Stanley Cup Finals appearance.

The aforementioned goal demonstrated the chaotic nature of hockey. Dallas Drake chugged along the left-wing boards, looking for a chance to center the puck. On the other side of the ice, Draper criss-crossed with Mikael Samuelsson and stopped at the right side of the net. Drake passed the puck to Draper, who furiously swiped at it with his stick. In the ensuing scramble with Marty Turco, the puck quickly elevated and, possessed by the spirit of Claude Lemieux, ricocheted off Draper's chin and over the goal line. Draper was not on the ice to see the officials confirm the goal; he had already headed to the dressing room to fix his lip. That is the essence of a grinder.

Drake, another grinder, also added the third goal of the first period. Brett Lebda entered the Stars zone on the right side with Sergei Zubov defending, while Drake stopped in front of the Dallas crease. Instead of covering the front of the net, Nick Grossman inexplicably followed Lebda behind the net. The young Detroit defenseman flipped a backhand pass out front to Drake, who whacked the puck past Turco.

Just in case you think we're biased towards grit, we'll mention some stars' accomplishments. Pavel Datsyuk added a power play goal in between Draper's and Drake's tallies. Henrik Zetterberg picked off a lazy pass by Brenden Morrow and deked Turco out of his pads to expand the lead to four in the second period. The Stars only bothered to show some effort in the third period when the game was already out of reach. Stephane Robidas' power play one-timer negated Chris Osgood's shutout.

Dallas impressed the viewing audience in a fashion similar of the Philadelphia Flyers. They soundly walloped the passive Ducks, last year's Stanley Cup champions, and the apathetic Sharks. Turco silenced the rest of his critics with a solid postseason, and he will return next year with Morrow, Zubov, Mike Ribiero, and others as a playoff contender.

Puckdump

A James Mirtle and Greg Wyshynski discussion about the state of hockey blogging? Its as if I died and went to Saskatoon. [James Mirtle]

The NHL rooted for Pittsburgh … [Awful Announcing]

… while Versus wanted the Flyers to win. [Doubt About It]

Although Daryl "Razor" Reaugh's team is no longer playing this postseason, we'll always have this commercial hilarious commercial. Fun fact: the bra with "Mike" written on it belongs to Keith Tkachuk.

Last Rites have now been read over the Philadelphia Flyers season, on account of the 6-0 flogging they received by the Pittsburgh Penguins.

The Flyers came out sloppy and tight and it didn't take long for Sidney Christ and his flock to vanquish the sinners of the East back from whence they came. Marc-Andre Fleury was solid if not spectacular in net, and in his benevolence he stopped all 21 shots that came his way for his third shutout in the playoffs. The Penguins have now completed their pilgrimage to the Stanley Cup Finals, the first time since 1992.

Ryan Malone got the ass-whipping started with a power play goal a mere 2:30 into the first period when a Crosby pass redirected off his skate and went past Martin Biron. Malone added another goal and chipped in an assist as well. Crosby had two assists, Jordan Staal and Evgeni Malkin each scored a goal and Marian Hossa had a goal and three assists. Even Pascal Dupuis, Hossa's teammate from Atlanta who also came to Pittsburgh in the move at the trading deadline, got in on the scoring in the third period to put Pittsburgh up 6-0.

It was clear early on that the Flyers stood no chance against the high-flying Penguins, and the fact that they played sloppily in their own defensive zone, mishandling the puck time after time, certainly did not help. Rubber was rolling off sticks with the same frequency I imagine occurred in Sean Kemp's bedroom pre-coitus in the '90's.

Down 2-0 in the second period, the Flyers appeared to have a great opportunity to cut the deficit in half, when Hal Gill and Evgeni Malkin both took roughing minors along with the Flyer R.J. Umberger, resulting in a power play for Philadelphia. Unfortunately, Kimmo Timonen, who surprisingly returned to the lineup after a quick recovery from a blood clot in his lower left leg, took a tripping penalty only six seconds into the power play.

Jeff Carter took another tripping penalty two minutes later, giving the Penguins a power play of their own. To be honest, I haven't seen so much tripping since an old Deadhead roommate of mine found a half-sheet of blotter. Ryan Malone scored seconds into the subsequent power play and the rout was on.

Pittsburgh will now wait and see who will be their opponent in the Finals. If it is Dallas, they will begin their quest for Lord Stanley's Cup at Mellon Arena, where Pittsburgh is now 8-0 during their dominating playoff run. If it ends up as Detroit, which it should, they will have to start out on the road. Given they are 12-2 overall, starting off at Joe Louis Arena will not be a cause for intimidation.

And lastly, to all of you Flyers fans out there, keep your heads held high. Your squad had a helluva run and for that, you should be proud.

Puckdumps

*Going Five Hole breaks down what the plan was for Saturday's Red Wings/Stars game on NBC if it ran over into coverage of the Preakness. I understand that if the game would have run short, Dee Mirch was on hand to narrate PETA's protests via nonsensical poetry. Affirmed. [Going Five Hole]

* Barry Melrose as the next coach of the San Jose Sharks? Fear the Mullet, California. Fear it! [Barry Melrose Rocks]

* Toronto Maple Leaf Bryan McCabe had a barbecue and Loser Domi has the recap. All I can say is that kookiness ensued. [The Wonderful World of Loser Domi]

* Wysh has a story on how one die-hard Penguins fan showed his support for the team via his prosthetic leg. No word on whether or not "Come On Eileen" by Dexys Midnight Runners is his favorite karaoke tune -– but it would be cool if it were. [Puck Daddy]

What is the First Rule of Elimination? You do not talk about Elimination, naturally. Rather than dwell on the likely inevitable, coach John Stevens ripped his lineup card into 18 pieces, threw them in the air and pieced together the remnants for a completely shuffled lineup. Vaclav Prospal joined Umberger and Lupul for some sweet checking line action, while Mike Richards got the taste of centering the top line. I swear, Sami Kapanen managed to see time on all four lines, and Patrick Thoreson returned, while Steve Downie was demoted.

To Central America. Forever.

The first period displayed a Flyers team that we had seen before, just not in the series with the Penguins. Aggressive play and desperate energy led them to a three-goal lead before the end of 20 minutes, while Braydon Coburn looked on from above (OK, kind of). All series long, Philly had managed to inflate the shot count with easily stopped fires from the blue line and beyond. The rule of averages propelled a Joffrey Lupul shot over Fleury's shoulder, a Danny Briere re-direct along the ice, and a Jeff Carter backhand all into the net. The good news: three goal leads are safer than two-goal leads. The bad: The Flyers may have used up all their scoring for the next game.

Now you may have noticed that I haven't talked about Pittsburgh much in this Closer. After all, had you sat down to watch this game and tuned in for the scoreless, largely penalty-free second period, you would have a tough time identifying the team in white. Versus' announcing team had so much research on the Orange and Black that they hadn't been able to use in Games 1-3 (thanks to Philly's inability to, well, play hockey), that we got Flyer Notes Overload in Game 4. You were lucky if they identified the Pen with the puck during the second. And when Chris Simpson interviewed Jarko Ruutu before the third, even the biggest Flyer fan was secretly hoping for a locker room corridor cross-check of the reporter in question.

What is the Second Rule of Elimination? Listen carefully. You DO NOT talk about Elimination. After Lupul's empty-netter sealed it for Philly, Ryan Malone likely invoked the "Scoreboard" taunt against the Flyers behind Biron with half a minute to play (and rightfully so -– even a 3-1 series lead is a relative safe one). Derian Hatcher countered his verbal volley with his own special oration titled "I will now punch you in the head repeatedly." Hellfire broke out, as Richards and Crosby exchanged...err...hugging before the final horn could sound. Now Barry Melrose has called out coach Therrien for having Sidney Christ taking the face-off after civility had headed to the parking lot (even though no lead is safe for Philly), but you have to forgive Barry. He's just trying to be heard over Don Cherry's wardrobe.

Puck Dumps

This wasn't supposed to happen! The Philly paper saw the future, and it looked bleak. [The 700 Level]

The Masters of Photoshop are at it again. Penguins fans rejoice! [The PensBlog]

And because Helena Bonham Carter is too scary for the NHL Closer, MYFO offers a different Helena for your viewing approval. Happy viewing, and we'll see you Monday.

In 1942, the brave Toronto Maple Leafs rebounded from a 3-0 series deficit to win the Stanley Cup over the Detroit Red Wings. Thirty-three years later, the fearless New York Islanders climbed out of the same proverbial hole against the Pittsburgh Penguins. Time is like a river, and history repeats. Can the Dallas Stars succeed where the San Jose Sharks failed in the previous round? They took the first step yesterday with a 3-1 victory.

Dallas played more aggressively to start the contest, drawing three Detroit penalties in the first 13 minutes. However, as Detroit is wont to do, they handled the Stars best shot. Although Dallas controlled the tempo in the first period, Chris Osgood only had to make nine saves, as the Red Wings covered most of the shooting lanes. Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk demonstrated their defensive prowess during this time by accruing three takeaways and not allowing any major problems in their defensive zone.

Detroit should have taken control of the game in the second period. Datsyuk put a shot past Marty Turco, but referee Kelly Sutherland immediately waved off, citing Tomas Holmstrom for crease infringement. Replays showed that Holmstrom's feet stayed outside the blue ice. Swedes are the new victims of profiling. With 23 seconds left in the period, Loui Eriksson scored his fourth goal of the playoffs off a rebound that Osgood could not control.

Zetterberg silenced the American Airlines Center 49 seconds into the third period. Toby Petersen, in a similar spot to Steve Downie in Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Final, turned the puck over at the Detroit blue line to Datsyuk. The Russian skated into the Dallas zone, shoveled a quick pass to Zetterberg, who wristed it past Turco. Four minutes later, Mike Modano's power play one-timer in the slot gave Dallas the lead again. Brendan Morrow added an insurance goal from the same spot on the ice nine minutes later.

Will the Stars overcome the odds? Will Sir Modano bring back the head of the octopus to his fair lady Willa? Will Marty Turco stop playing the puck too often? Eh, probably not.

Puckdumps

The OFB Team speaks for most, if not all hockey fans on Tony Kornheiser's buyout. [ On Frozen Blog ]

In three weeks, Mark Bell will be wearing a throwback Craig McTavish jersey. [Battle of Ontario]

Campbellnomics is not as destructive to lower-class citizens as Reaganomics, but it didn't end the Cold War either. [The Hockey News]

Finally, who or what is the most lifelike in this Little Caesar's ad?

It's nearly impossible not to sound like a broken record here, but the Eastern Conference Finals seem to be going the way of Western Conference, with a convincing 4-1 victory by the smoking hot Pittsburgh Penguins over the dazed and confused Philadelphia Flyers. Both series are now one game away from sweeps. I reckon that could cost the NHL hundreds of dollars in lost ad revenue from all of those missing Versus broadcasts.

Goals by Ryan Whitney and Marian Hossa opened up a quick 2-0 lead for the Pens, quieting the enthusiastic crowd in the Wachovia Center. Both goals were assisted on by Sidney Crosby, giving him 19 points in 12 playoff games thus far in the playoffs. Nevertheless, the real story should be Sidney Christ's facial hair — easily the most impressive playoff beard of this postseason other than whoever Sean Avery was dating.

R.J. Umberger attempted to keep the Flyers in the game, but his goal was all Philadelphia could muster; the Penguins packed it in defensively, utilizing a hybrid of the neutral zone trap (Jacques Lemaire, watching the game from his home in Florida, clasped his hands in a sinister manner and kept repeating the phrase "good...good"). Marc-Andre Fleury was never really tested, turning away a yawn-inducing 17 shots, although Scott Hartnell did clank one off the post when the game was still in reach with the score at 2-1.

Marian Hossa put the game away when he notched his second goal of the game on an empty netter as the seconds ticked off the clock. 4-1 Penguins — game over. The fans then filed out of the arena, got in their cars, drove home and threw on some classic Philadelphia Soul to unwind. Given the opportunity, I would have recommended Rock 'n Soul, Part I by Hall & Oates. The live version of Wait for Me on that album will always soothe the troubled heart.

The Penguins are now one game away from reaching the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since 1992. They are 11-1 in the postseason, and much like Detroit, are not giving an inch to their overmatched opponents. Philadelphia is obviously undermanned, missing their best two offensive-minded defensemen (according to the Versus studio talent), and there doesn't appear to be much hope left for them in this series.

Puckdumps

* Brilliant hockey mind James Mirtle breaks down the NHL's current coaching carousel conundrum. [James Mirtle]

* Wayne Gretzky will not be heading off to Toronto to become president of the Maple Leafs. I imagine Wayne called Janet about the possibility and it played out just like that Roger and Debbie Clemens cell phone commercial — only without the bacne and roid rage. [Puck Daddy]

* MYFO's dear friend wraparoundcurl shares her love of Kevin Smith via a post on Puck Daddy featuring a photo of Seth Rogen and Jeff Anderson (Randall from Clerks) in hockey gear for the movie Zack and Miri Make A Porno. Cool. [wraparoundcurl]

Finally, if you have seven minutes to spare, check out this compilation of some great NHL-related commercials. There is even an awesome "This Is SportsCenter" commercial from the '90's when tWWL actually acted like they gave a rip about hockey.
/wipes tear from eye.

Riding Pavel Datsyuk's first career hat trick, the Red Wings took out the Stars in a 5-2 drubbing at American Airlines Center in Dallas, taking a commanding 3-0 lead in the series. The Red Wings have now won nine straight games in the playoffs.

Datsyuk got the scoring started 9:27 into the first period, but Nicklas Grossman answered six minutes later to tie-up the game. I'm not a hockey expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I can say with complete confidence that allowing Detroit to answer 37 seconds later on Datsyuk's second goal of the night was kind of a momentum killer.

Dallas knew they had to come out aggressive in the second period, and it showed. Starting off on the power play, the Stars appeared to have the perfect opportunity to tie the game when Brenden Morrow was on the receiving end of a nifty pass from Mike Modano, but unfortunately he never got the shot off on an essentially empty net as the puck hopped over his stick.

The Stars kept coming at the Red Wings throughout the second period, in easily the most physical period in the series thus far. When it was all said and done, Dallas had out-hit Detroit 34-16 through two. Despite being dominated physically in the period, Detroit had perhaps the best hit of the period on Mike Modano.

Iit's too bad then for Dallas that out-hitting your opponent doesn't mean squat — goals do — and Jiri Hudler notched another one for Detroit at 11:54 in the second to put the Red Wings up 3-2 at the end of two periods.

From the beginning of the third period on, it was all Detroit Red Wings. Henrik Zetterberg put the Red Wings up 4-2 on a goal eerily similar to Big Daddy Drew's signature move from NHL '94. All that was left was Datsyuk getting his third goal to complete the hat trick at 17:19 and the game was over.

One final note on the game: I noticed that the digital ads on the boards at American Airlines Center had advertisements pimping True.com. Silly ad people. Everyone knows hockey fans don't need a stupid online dating website to get laid. Right? Who's with me?

However, it did provide me ample reason to add this photo:

And this one, if finding a Russian bride is something that has been on your "to-do list" (in Datsyuk's honor, of course):

Puckdumps

* Happy Birthday, Barry Melrose Rocks! I hope you received MYFO's gift in the mail. If the package didn't make it, we're sorry. At least we know she was already dead on the inside. [Barry Melrose Rocks]

* This just in: international referees suck just as bad as their NHL counterparts. The only difference is that their ineptitude is measured using the metric system. [NHL Fanhouse]

* Have you ever wondered what sort of insight Dierks Bentley may have regarding the NHL Playoffs? Nope? For those of you that have nothing better to do, NHL.com has assembled a cavalcade of "celebrities" you have never heard of to blog about the Western Conference playoffs. Did I mention Willa Ford has a blog? Sorry, no naked pictures. [NHL.com]

Finally, I am not so proud to present some super-cool Flyers fans doing the "Fly Guy Dance". I wonder where all the chicks were at that party. Oh, I know — they probably went out to buy these studs more booze. Fuck the Iggles indeed, brah.

Akim Aliu Smiled. The Flyers inserted fourth-liner and major asshole Steve Downie into the lineup prior to Game 2, hoping that the sparkplug would add some energy and not take too many stupid penalties. He did provide some energy, only it was for the Mellon Arena. Downie's lazy third period clearing attempt led to Max Talbot's second goal of the playoffs and the Penguins defeated the Flyers 4-2.

Philadelphia's defense took another major blow two minutes into the game. Braydon Coburn left the game after Evgeni Malkin deflected Hal Gill's slapshot at Coburn's face. After the game, Coburn's left eye was swollen shut. There is no word on how much time he will miss. Kimmo Timonen, the Flyers' best defenseman, will not play again this season due to a blood clot in his leg.

Emotions still ran high after Coburn left the ice. Georges Laraque challenged the entire Flyers roster after shooting a puck into their bench. Immediately afterwards, Tyler Kennedy and Scottie Upshall, two mite-sized enforcers, dropped the gloves in the continuation of the brawl at the end of Game 1. Upshall pulled Kennedy to the ground, but the young Pen stood up again and thoroughly beat down the larger Flyer.

The first four goals were scored on the power play. Sidney Crosby, Marian Hossa and Jordan Staal tallied goals for the Penguins, while Jeff Carter and Mike Richards scored for the Flyers. —Raskolnikov

Link Dump and Chase

The Red Wings signed another unheralded Scandinavian who will score 100 points two years from now. [James Mirtle]

Get a shirt that honors Cam Neely's greatest contribution to modern society. [Orland Kurtenblog]

Henrik Tallinder gets more attention from women on blogs than in person. [Top Shelf Cookies]

Finally, much ado has been written about the inconsistent refereeing this postseason, but at least Don Koharski isn't as stupid as this group of World Championship officials. [TSN]

While Mitch Albom was gushing over what a selfless mensch Chris Osgood is on the Sports Reporters this morning for gracefully stepping aside when the Red Wings signed Dominik Hasek, he conveniently ignored the cheap shot Osgood took with the butt-end of his stick to the Stars' Mike Ribeiro at the end of regulation last night in Game 2 of the Western Conference Finals.

Even though Ribeiro retaliated, it would be hard to envision any reaction from the league that doesn't come down heaviest on the goalie. Granted, Osgood has been in net for all of the Red Wings eight consecutive playoff wins and it helps to only have to make 17 saves.

Detroit made up for the loss of center Johan Franzen for the first of two games with a concussion by getting first-period goals by Darren Helm and Henrik Zetterberg. In a series where the Stars look altogether outclassed, a possible suspension of a hot goaltender could be just the thing to help swing a series as it heads to Dallas.

Sure, the Flyers eventually knuckled under to the Penguins' explosive attack after getting up early, but they're clearly just setting up the Pens like they did to the Caps and the Habs. Philly has lost the opener in each of its three series this postseason. The Pens have even gone as far as to crib the Canadiens defacing of the Rocky statue. just leave that Barkley statue alone! Oof. It's all so eerily similar.

With Kimmo Timonen out for the series, the Flyers weren't able to impose the physicality they're going to need to keep Evgeni Malkin, Sid Crisby and Marian Hossa in check. Malkin picked up two goals in five minutes, including his first career short-handed goal, to break Philly's back. If only the Flyers can draw some inspiration from funereal chants to get going.

Last night also marked the debut of Canadia's most conservative dresser, Don Cherry, on ESPN's hockey coverage. All for naught, though, as he said the Flyers' play spoiled his hot pink finery. Thanks a lot, Flyers.

Suddenly Keyshawn Johnson looks downright dowdy.

Johan Holmqvist is on Line 1, Mr. Turco. The Detroit Red Wings dominated the Stars in Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals, winning 4-1 in a game that was never even close, thanks to Marty Turco blowing goats all night long.

Niklaus Lidstrom took a slapshot straight at Marty Turco, who blocked it, but couldn't find the rebound. Brian Rafalski could, however, and slapped it home before Turco could even react. With that, Detroit opened the scoring on a powerplay goal. That set Dallas back on their heels, and the pressure just kept mounting late in the first when Kronwell took a slapshot from the blue line that bounced off the stick off Franzen that went five-hole on Turco. The second period kept the dice rolling as Rafalski kept an attempted clearing in the zone and which lead to Holmstrom who tipped the puck in for the third powerplay goal of the game. Tomas Holmstrom was literally sitting in Turco's face on the third goal, coming dangerously close to an interference call.

Turco's confidence is obviously shaken with another guy's ass in his face when not wearing his make-up. Valterri Filppula tacked on another, and then, the Turco Death Watch was on. Brenden Morrow chipped in a goal, but by then it was far, far too late. Turco did manage to save face after almost being caught playing Goalfenseman, but the Stars couldn't capitalize on their late chances, and time ran out. Game 2 will be at The Joe in Detroit on Saturday night. These two Red Wing fans may or may not be in attendance, but they popped up under a Google Image Search of Sexy Red Wing fans, so it's good enough for me.

Puckdump:

Deadspin's sixth favorite hockey blogger, Greg Wyshynski, has brought to my attention that hockey-reference.com is up and selling sponsorships for your favorite NHL players. MYFO is slowly buying up our favorites, but Wysh bought Sean Avery and Chris Pronger's page. Selfish bastard. He's running a reader contest to see who can come up with the best label for Pronger's page. See how many ways you can fit in "douchebag" in 255 characters. [Yahoooooooooo!]

Frequent MYFO Commenters Loser Domi and wraparoundcurl have teamed up for a running series chronicling Sean Avery's internship at Vogue. If "shimmerier" isn't already a word, I vote for making it one. [TWWOLD]

Kimmo Timonen looks like he's out for the rest of the playoffs. On the bright side, the way Hockey Jesus has been playing, that will only be the next week or so. [The Broad Street Blog]

Good news, Detroit! You can now toss your calamari around some more! [Skate2Stick]

And finally, here's the longest hockey fight I've ever seen...just when you think they're settling down...they start again! It's Hockey Fight Christmas!

Happy Cinco De Mayo, Spinners. The second round ended.....eventually. But before we get to the marathon that happened in Dallas and the ass-whipping that happened in Pittsburgh, MYFO sends our congratulations to the Wailers Hockey Club in Montclair, New Jersey for their second championship in the Over 30 Recreational Hockey — oh, who are we kidding. None of you care who these girls are or why they're here. Stare at them. That's all they want out of life anyway. (Photo via Sports By Brooks.)

Penguins on Parade!: Mike Milbury lasted a decade on Long Island because of his observational skills! A few minutes into the third period, he reported that Marian Hossa likely would not return after tweaking his groin. Seven minutes and ten seconds into overtime, after Pascal Dupuis' pass deflected off Daniel Girardi's skate, Hossa put the puck between Henrik Lundqvist's legs, thereby punching the Penguins' ticket to the Eastern Conference Finals with a 3-2 victory. Mike, just quit. Pierre McGuire is better at that job than you.

Hossa opened the scoring on a second period power play. Sidney Crosby, in the right faceoff circle passed to aspiring reporter Ryan Malone in the slot, who passed to Hossa at the left side of the net. Four minutes later, Evgeni Malkin sped down the ice, briefly lost the puck to Rangers defensman Paul Mara, then spun around and roofed a backhanded shot over Lundqvist's shoulder. Milbury astutely pointed out that the Rangers could not afford to go down three goals, and the deficit did not increase. Lauri Korpikoski, who is not a blonde Polish girl, scored his first NHL goal in his first NHL game when he put a wristshot over Marc-Andre Fleury's shoulder. Seventy-two seconds later, Nigel Dawes deflected Scott Gomez's pass to Fleury's crease into the net. The Penguins were stunned, but held on until overtime and Hossa's dramatics.

Chris Drury, brought to the Rangers for his quantifiable leadership and clutch, hates the world. Early in the second period, Malone lost control of his stick and it became stuck in Drury's visor, scratching the latter's face and bloodying his jersey. Marc Joannette and Brad Watson, in their best Mick McGeough impressions, missed the high stick, and called no penalty. In the waning seconds of the third period, Drury clipped Malone's nose, resulting in a four-minute Pittsburgh power play that crossed into overtime. Drury hopes that there will be a large crowd of spectators at his execution. —Raskolnikov

I know she was robbed.The Dallas Stars stole a marathon match from the San Jose Sharks to take the series 4-2 with a 2-1 victory. Dallas and San Jose beat each other silly from the get-go, with hard hits dominating over scoring in the first period. By the middle of the second period, it was simply a matter of survival when Antti Miettinen scored to put the Stars up 1-0. Just after the third period began, Ryane Clowe tied the game and sent the game into a war of attrition in overtime. The Sharks traded for Brian Campbell for his playoff presence, and the Stars traded for Richards because of his clutchiness. Marty Turco and Evgeni Nabokov both made killer saves, complete with Nabokov making a save off Richards that almost had enough force to push his glove across the line. Only after a replay was the series-winning goal disallowed. Turco made an amazing save of his own, bicycle-kicking a puck that was headed into the net off the stick of Patrick Marlowe. There were more spectacular saves sprinkled through the rest of the first overtime....and the second....and the third....JESUS CHRIST SOMEONE SCORE ALREADY!

Marty Turco desperately tries to end my misery by playing goalfenseman and clearing the puck to Torrey Mitchell, but Mitchell fucks up the shot and we play on. Turco gets bumrushed by all five Sharks on the ice but sits on the puck to keep it out of the net. The referee looks legitimately saddened that he has to wave no goal. The defense continues to struggle to follow the puck like a kiddie league team (Hat tip: MYFO Commenter Caps Red Army) as...oh you've gotta be shitting me. A Fourth OT?? This is murder...for both me and the MYFO Live Blog crowd that have been following the gameHOLYSHITBRENDENMORROWSCORES!!!!!

117 shots. All the main players pushed in over 50 minutes of ice time each. The game began at 9:04 EDT and ended at 2:24 EDT. The game ended in the 129th minute of play. It was the fifth longest game in NHL History. Good lord. Dallas advances to play Detroit in the Conference finals to begin Thursday. Pittsburgh and the Penguins begin their series on Friday. To anyone who sat through that game, which had a gametime length of TITANIC, please have a look at Stars Alternate Captain Mike Modano's hot-ass wife, Willa Ford—ReasonableDoubt

Puckdump:

• The Four Habs Fans are in mourning. Go pay your last respects. [Four Habs Fans]
• Barry Melrose Rocks discusses a possible Melrose Curse keeping The Cup of Sir Stanley out of Canuckistan. [Barry Melrose Rocks]

  And to close the day, here's a video illustrating how they're promoting hockey down here in the south. For the record, if Panthers fans looked like this? I would have no problem going to their games:

Well, hello there. A fine Friday it is, wouldn't you agree? MYFO is here to help you wrap-up your work week - or for those of you that are underemployed, to remind you to bring up all the dirty dishes to Ma (she's been asking you to do so all week) — with a recap from an exciting night of NHL action.

Jaromir Jagr Will Have His Revenge On Pittsburgh - At Least For One Night. Exorcising a a demon or two along the way while continuing his strong play in this series, Jagr book-ended the scoring for New York with a goal at 12:45 in the second period and an empty netter with 14 seconds left in the Rangers' 3-0 victory over the Penguins at Madison Square Garden, temporarily prolonging the series to a fifth game and avoiding a dreaded sweep.

On his first goal, Jagr ripped a shot past Marc-Andre Fleury and then took a solid hit up high from Brooks Orpik, leaving him laying face down on the ice for a spell before picking himself up, getting to the bench and returning to the ice for his next shift, much to the delight of the hometown fans.

Perhaps rallying around their fallen comrade, Sean Avery, out for the rest of the playoffs with a lacerated spleen (just in case you haven't heard), or stubbornly not willing to bend over and take it up the poopchute for the fourth game in a row, the Rangers put forth their best effort of the series.

Henrik Lundqvist was spectacular in the net, stopping all 29 shots that came his way, including a penalty shot by Evgeni Malkin, after a stickless Dan Girardi had no choice but to drag him down on a breakaway after a nifty pass from Sidney Crosby. In one of the weaker penalty shots I have witnessed, Malkin, as if he were on a leisurely skate around the rink at Rockefeller Center, moseyed up the ice and flipped a weak wrister right into Lundqvist's body.

But perhaps the most appealing aspect of watching the game was seeing Versus temptress Chris Simpson, looking absolutely stunning in a dynamite leather jacket, covering the game from her customary ice-level location. If I had the honor to ask Chris one question after the broadcast, it would most certainly would have been: "When are you going to go do your little turn on the cat walk, Chris, on the catwalk, yeah on the catwalk. Do your little turn on the catwalk?" —Weed Against Speed

Colorado, Jo Ass Belongs to Johan. No Stastny. No Forsberg. No Smyth. The Avalanche were already severely shorthanded, and when Jose Theodore let in a squishy soft goal to Mikael Samuelsson early in the first, they were behind the 8 ball. Not that Avs fans weren't already begging to see Peter Budaj start this game or anything. Tomas Holmstrom set the tone early, with a trademark bump on Theodore, and then added a goal. By the time Johan Franzen converted a pretty give-and-go with Val Filppula near the end of the first, it was all over but the crying—and the Franzen Show.

The Red Wings franchise record for goals in a playoff series had been held by Gordie Howe, with 8. You'll notice my use of the past tense — that's a little journalistic device we call foreshadowing. Franzen added two more goals in the second period (off Budaj, who failed miserably to stop the bleeding) for a hat trick, and a total of nine goals in the series. The four-game series. To call Franzen hot would make a mockery of other allegedly hot things, like lava and the center of stars.

Unlike the Stars and Penguins, who failed to close out 3-0 series, the Red Wings Were Not Fucking Around. I don't know if the Avs closed their eyes and thought of England during their ass-raping, or took Bobby Knight's advice and laid back and enjoyed it, but they were certainly helpless to stop it. Henrik Zetterberg added a couple of goals and some assists. The final score was 8-2, but frankly it could have been worse. A funny and profoundly disturbing thing started to happen to me while watching this game. As a card-carrying member of the Red Wings Suck Club, it took me a while to identify the sensation. I ... started to sort of admire, or at least grudgingly appreciate, the artistry, intensity and ruthless efficiency on display. I think I'm going to be sick. —LeNoceur

Puckdumps

* Be sure to get over and vote in the Finals of the Mike Lange Tournament of Quotes. If it were the Jessica Lange Tournament of Quotes, I would vote for whatever the hell she was saying in this scene. [Going Five Hole]

* That Wyshynski fellow has unearthed the official-unofficial hip hop video of the Montreal Canadiens. I have but one question after watching the video: do they not have Dungeons & Dragons in Canada? [Yahoo! Sports NHL Experts Blog]

* Eric McErlain discusses the coverage by the New York Daily News of the hospitalization of Sean Avery and the subsequent cover-up of their original report. It's important to get your facts straight before filing a report - just like The Weekly World News always does when a new Bat Boy story surfaces. Sheesh. [NHL Fanhouse]

To wrap up the week as well as today's Closer, a YouTube classic: "kids hockey fight". Somehow, the System of a Down background music is oddly fitting.

Buzz Bissinger was right. We are full of shit. All of us. We are rude and crude, mean and cruel. From now on, this little hockey corner of Deadspin will no longer be your home of cocknocker references and busty puck bunnies. Serious Hockey Journalism Only. I was nominated by my compatriots to take on this task because I possess a Journalism Degree (from an accredited university!), with the requisite Professional Training and Responsible Judgment that come with being part of such an elite fraternity. So get ready to eat your sports vegetables, kids.

Montreal's young netminder, Carey Price, rattled from being pulled from Game 3 by Guy Carbonneau, rode the pine in favor of another rookie, young Czech Jaroslav Halak. Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away, the Dallas Stars prepared to continue their improbable Stanley Cup run by knocking off the favored Sharks.

Ah, fuck that noise.

Now that's the kind of journalism I can get behind. Repeatedly. And responsibly, of course. Mustn't forget that.

I'm from Canada. They think I'm slow, eh? As a matter of NHL Closer research, I watched Game 4 between Montreal and Philadelphia in a crowded bar in downtown Toronto, hopeful to see if an entire nation of hockey fans would rally behind their lone team left in the playoffs. Sure, I'm in Habs' enemy territory, but it's a matter of fact that the Maple Leafs last played hockey like four months ago, and why root for America when you can root for Canada?

Turns out, Toronto doesn't give a damn about Montreal, and neither does Danny Briere.

With Jaroslav Halak (all of 4 starts this year) as Guy Carbonneau's Game 4 starter, Carey Price might as well have been the name of the smokin' waitress we had last night. And while this was the talk of the bar (ok, the TSN analysts on TV at the bar) for the hour preceding the face-off, Halak didn't win or lose this game for Montreal (22 saves).

Leading 1-0, the Flyers' Vaclav Prospal (Vinny to his friends), ripped a shot off the pipes. Now when a team already losing hears such a distinct sound of vulcanized rubber on metal, it can give them hope. Hope that there's still a chance to get back in the game. That is, if Scott Hartnell doesn't put the wide-open rebound in the back of the net.

Still, since teams from Canuckistan just don't die, the Habs played the déjà vu card as the same exact duo from Game 3, Plekanec and Koivu, scored 37 seconds apart to tie it up. Fortunately for Philly, Danny Briere capitalized on a power play that put an outshot and outplayed Flyers team on top once again. They're truly charmed this series, and I haven't the faintest idea why. An empty netter by R.J. Umberger sealed the 4-2 win. And sounds delicious after a night of Closer drinking.

It's Yuengling 3, Molson 1, with Game 5 back on tap this Saturday in Canada — Hextall454

Drop that Dookie and You're Done!: The San Jose Sphincters didn't follow Hedy Lamarr's advice. Instead, they tightened up and saved their season from heading down the crapper for one night, defeating the Stars 2-1.

The Sharks opened the game with some sense of their predicament. They forechecked, dug for pucks, and showed the viewing audience that their players have some talent. Dallas weathered the early adrenaline rush, and the first period ended with no score.

San Jose's early effort appeared to go for naught in the second period. Devin Setoguchi committed a horrible turnover when he whiffed on a clearing attempt through the center of the zone. Jere Lehtinen wristed the slow-moving puck past Evgeni Nabokov. A few minutes later on a Dallas power play, Patrick Marleau appeared for his five seconds of shorthanded glory. He picked off a cross-ice pass at the San Jose blue line, then scored low-blocker side on Turco. Then, Marleau flew on a jet to San Jose, hoping that his teammates would win the game so that he may steal their glory in Game 5.

The third period was the downfall for the Sphincters in the first three games of the series. They squandered leads in Game 2 and Game 3, playing as though they did not care. Joe Thornton, perhaps shamed after Stephane Robidas bumped him off a second period puck, took command on an early power play. Jumbo Joe shielded defenders in the face-off circle to the left of Turco, then made an easy pass to Milan Michalek, who tapped the puck past the Dallas keeper. Nabokov only had to make five saves in the final period, and the series is headed back to San Jose. —Raskolnikov

Puckdumps

Martin Biron is still not over the Nordiques' move to Colorado. [ Flyer Flies]

Resurrecting the "Canadian Conspiracy" Theory (Failing Miserably Since 1994!). [ James Mirtle]

Avs fans are keeping their chins up. Or not. [ Mile High Hockey]

Good day, fans of either playoff hockey or scantily clad women (or both - we don't discriminate), there were three huge games last night so let's get right to it.

Penguins Perfect; Malkin Manly; Rangers Resigned. The Penguins' run to the Stanley Cup Finals is starting to look inevitable. The Rangers, who had hoped to snatch back momentum at home in the Garden, threw everything they had at the Penguins, outshooting them 39-17. It didn't matter. Hart Trophy Finalist Evgeni Malkin scored twice and set up a third-period backbreaker by Ryan Malone as the Penguins took a 3-0 series lead, and 7-0 postseason mark.

Malkin transformed from "pretty good young player" to "superstar" during Sidney Crosby's injury this season, carrying the Penguins on his back during a time when many believed they might slip to the fringes of playoff contention. He has continued to dominate in the playoffs, with 13 points in seven games. It's not like anyone is going to forget about Hockey Jesus...but St. Geno is rapidly converting the nonbelievers to the cause. And he doesn't turn 22 until this summer.

The Rangers helped matters considerably, though. After tying the game 3-3 on quick goals from Ryan Callahan and Jaromir Jagr, Ryan Hollweg (eschewing the traditional playoff beard for a playoff porn 'stache) rammed Petr Sykora into the boards from behind—a call that is going to be made 100 times out of 100. Malkin scored on the ensuing power play. Christian Backman served as a third-period goat for the second consecutive game, standing around idly as Malone tipped in the final goal and crushed any Rangers' momentum. If there had been dandelions growing on the ice, Backman would have been picking them.

As someone who has had the misfortune of watching Sister Christian Backman play "defense" for the last few seasons in St. Louis, this was not an isolated brain fart. Ironically, the Rangers purportedly acquired him for his offense, which has been similarly nonexistent—he scored 8 points in 18 games for the Rangers in the regular season, and has been shut out in the playoffs. Being Swedish, apparently, is not sufficient to make one an "offensive" defenseman. The Rangers will attempt futilely to stave off elimination on Thursday. Praise Hockey Jesus! —LeNoceur

Of Mixing Metaphors and Shitting the Bed: Mike Ribiero avoided Mike Grier's halfhearted check along the right-wing boards and passed the puck to Mattias Norstrom, who wristed a shot past Evgeni Nabokov four minutes and thirty-seven seconds into overtime, giving Dallas a 2-1 victory and a 3-0 lead in the series.

Patrick Marleau, after having a power play goal negated due to Don Van Massenhoven losing sight of the puck, opened the scoring on a shorthanded breakaway with thirty-five seconds left in the first period, roofing the puck over Marty Turco's glove. From then on, the Stars controlled the puck. Only Evgeni Nabokov kept the Stars at bay for a time. Forty-seven seconds into the third period, Sergei Zubov tallied his first of the playoffs on a two-man advantage. More Dallas domination followed, with Nabokov carrying his team on his back until Norstrom's screened shot.

San Jose is a leaky sphincter ani externus; they're not trying to hold in the dookie, representing their season, which slides closer and closer to the toilet. After last night's loss to the Stars, the Sharks are one more slackening game away from another offseason of questions, gutchecks, and colonoscopies. Joe Thornton has displayed the qualities that brought him to San Jose: indifference and temerity. Brian Campbell should be losing money on his next contract due to his matador defense. Tense up and hold your shit, Sharks. —Raskolnikov

Whatever happened to East Coast Bias? As the festivities began at the Pepsi Center late last night, the Sharks and Stars were already finished, showered, and no doubt refueling at a Dallas-area IHOP. (Nothing hits the spot after playoff hockey like pancakes. Lots and lots of pancakes.) But for the native Detroiters that wished to see their beloved Wings widen their series lead over the Avs, a 10:10 Eastern start awaited. Seriously, Bettman? We couldn't have scheduled a 7 p.m. Mountain start?

Colorado used that extra hour to complete revamping their lineup that was so thoroughly embarrassed at the Joe in Game 2. Exit Ryan Smyth (foot injury), Jeff Finger (made-up person), and Jaroslav Hlinka (not good at hockey.) Enter Scott Hannan (back from injury), T.J. Hensick (drew short straw), and Peter Forsberg (he's Peter Forsberg, damn it.) Detroit saw no need for changes, and after a back-and-forth affair, we can all see why.

Despite the best efforts of Andrew Brunette, who placed two power play goals behind the mighty Osgood, the Red Wings seemed in control the entire game. Even when Cody McLeod gave the Avs a 1-0 lead, the fact that Detroit peppered Jose Theodore with 19 shots in the first period alone kept the Motown faithful at ease. No need for surprise heroes, either, as the goal scoring was left to the pros: Pavel Datsyuk (2), Henrik Letoberg, and Johan Franzen did the damage. Game 4's Thursday. Until then, I leave you with this question.

Who's ready for some Budaj? —Hextall454

Puckdumps

Instead of diddling with your Xbox (if that's what you kids are calling it these days), why not check out these fine blogs?

One of MYFO's favorites whips up some entertaining LOLRangers. I would have called it LOLCockKnockers, but they are still great. [The Wonderful World of Loser Domi]

Some Monday Morning Musings on a Wednesday. Time flies when you're on a narcotics bender. Be that as it may, check out the photo of the t-shirt at the end of the post. [Hockey Rants]

Further poof that we need to build a fence between the U.S. and Canuckistan. "Rock, you got anything derogatory to say about Habs Fans?" "Derogatory? Yeah. They're great." [AOL Fanhouse]

Finally, those crackpots at The Onion have so graciously provided us the video equivalent of the oft-used "hoc-key?" quip. Funny? Yes. Original? No. Can I ask another rhetorical question? You bet your ass I can.

In Philly, We Love to Chant for Best Picture Winners. Up until this season, I can't imagine the Wachovia Center faithful had the name "Marty" on top of their list of supportive unison incantations. Thanks to a certain netminder just over the River in Jersey, any chanting of said name was done in the spirit of mocking (as well as quiet jealousy). However, that Martin has been dispatched from the 2008 Stanley Cup Playoffs, and the Flyers goalie Marty Biron remains. Much to the chagrin of the Montreal Canadiens.

Game 3 moved the Eastern Conference semifinals to Philly last night, and as in the previous two contests, the Orange and Black grabbed the lead and did their best to hang on for dear life, at the mercy of Biron's waffleboard. Before the scoring commenced, an entire period of tempers and tension prevailed. Derian Hatcher, who will be making a larger impact later in this Closer, garnered one of four roughing minors incurred with two minutes left in the period. Steve Downie was in rare form in the first as well, if by "rare form" you mean "an inexperienced rookie who takes dumb penalties." Montreal controlled the play, hitting the iron twice and falling victim to a Biron stick save on a Saku Koivu breakaway early on.

In Round 2, Habs' goalie Carey Price must have came back completely naked, as his lack of padded protection made it easy for the Flyers to score just about any time they fired the puck. Scottie Upshall turned a quick transition and a Joffrey Lupul pass into a 1-0 lead. And after a Lasse Kukkonen penalty for the puberty-favorite Holding the Stick, Mike Richards picked off the puck at the point and fired from afar past the naked Price. And so that Flyers didn't have to defend their most dangerous lead in hockey, R.J. Umberger nonchalantly scored his fifth of the playoffs to enter 2nd intermission up 3-0. Three goals on seven shots in the period? Yep, lack of equipment must be the reason.

When the 3rd period began, neither Price nor the hockey sticks of the Philadelphia returned to action. After two Montreal power play goals and a mere two Flyer shots on reserve Jaroslav Halak, the Flyers had hung on for the 3-2 win. But the real story? Derian "Ice Floe" Hatcher's 10 minute misconduct for boarding/elbowing/facecrushing Francis Bouillon into the glass behind Biron.

In other news, Mike Knuble is questionable for Game 4. Animosity, on the other hand, is probable.

Puckdumps

The last remnant of ESPN's Hockey coverage, coaching in Tampa? Stranger suits have happened. [ Kukla's Korner]

If Sean Avery is the Blueshirts' Fulton Reed, a certain former perennial all-star is their Kenny Wu. [ Globe and Mail]

And finally, surely you remember Sylvain Turgeon. You know, of the Hartford Turgeons? Ok, most of you probably don't remember him. And if you do, it's probably not because of his pugilistic skills:

Luckily, Riunite Was Not Involved This Time. On the ice at the same time when the winning goal was scored in the Pittsburgh Penguins' 2-0 shutout of the New York Rangers on Sunday afternoon, the wild and crazy Staal brothers left their parents conflicted on whether to be excited or depressed (kind of like me when the circus comes to town - don't ask) regarding the outcome of the game. Jordan (the one that's into hip hop) put the puck past Henrik Lundqvist after Evgeni Malkin shook off Marc (the quiet, brooding one) and fed Jordan for the game-winner.

Marc-Andre Fleury was solid between the pipes, stopping 26 shots. Lundqvist was no slouch either, making 30 saves, many of them with a traffic jam in front of his crease. Adam Hall sealed the victory for the Penguins with an empty-netter with 17 seconds left.

The Rangers appeared to tie the game when Martin Straka got the puck past Fleury, but referee Dan O'Halloran, suffering from premature whistleation, blew the play dead before the puck trickled in when he lost sight of it. Rumor has it a hit has been put on O'Halloran by the Lucchese crime family.

The Rangers appear to have lost their edge and confidence after blowing a 3-0 lead in Game 1 of the series, ultimately losing that game 5-4. New York will have the opportunity to get back on track with some home cooking as Game 3 is at Madison Square Garden on Tuesday night.

Sean Avery was up to his usual antics at the end of the game, invading Fleury's personal space as the horn sounded. Fleury and Avery exchanged shots with their sticks, a fracas ensued and the stage has been set for a bit of the old Ultra-Violence. At this point, Versus Studio Analyst Keith Jones, closed his notebook, walked down to the railyard and carved "Game Over" into a transient's chest. That guy's bloodlust cannot be satiated. Perhaps Avery and Jones both need Elisha to soothe their savage tendencies. It couldn't hurt.—Weed Against Speed

Smile, You Son-Of-A ...: For two periods, the Sharks controlled the energy and tempo of this game. Marty Turco did the splits, stood on his head, and controlled his urges to nutmeg a forechecking forward to hold the Sharks to a 2-1 lead.

Then, the Sharks lost their will and desire to play, surrendering four goals in the third period en route to a 5-2 victory, giving the Stars a 2-0 series lead heading back to Dallas. Thirty seconds into the period, Joel Pavelski lost an edge in the Sharks zone, allowing Brad Richards to steal the puck and rip it past Evgeni Nabokov stick-side. Three minutes later, Mike Modano gave the Stars their first lead on an abbreviated power play. Two Niklas Hagman goals provided ample insurance and a chorus of boos at the Shark Tank.

Although Turco stopped 29 of 31 shots, he showed signs of turning into the "bad" Turco. In his attempts to become the Stars #1 defenseman, he turned the puck over twice in the third period. First, he tried to clear the puck through the center of the defensive zone, which lead to a Mard-Eduoard Vlasic shot that missed everything. Two minutes later, he misplayed another puck behind the net, giving the Sharks a chance which they did not deserve. Marty, you have an oversized stick for a reason. Do not play the puck and your team will advance. —Raskolnikov

Puckdumps

* The folks at NBC seem to believe that Alexander Ovechkin plays for the Canadiens. If that were the case, would the residents of Montreal insist we refer to Ovie as Unfrozen Cro Magnon Hockey Player. instead? On Frozen Blog

* Barry Melrose Rocks authors a post about Flyers fans editing Barry Melrose's Wikipedia page. Universe caves in on itself. Barry Melrose Rocks

* It appears my dream of Sidney Crosby and Jaromir Jagr starting a band together isn't ever going to happen. I imagine they would have sounded a lot like Seals & Crofts, only they wouldn't be the GREATEST BAND EVER! NHL Fanhouse

Finally, video of Brad Richards reacting to getting a beer dumped on him in the penalty box during Game 1 of the Habs/Flyers series. No word on whether the fan who committed the act was ejected from the arena. The last time I dumped a beer on someone, I was kicked out of the Ball Pit at Chuck E. Cheese's.