Elitism: It's Lonely at the Top. But it's Comforting to Look Down Upon Everyone at the Bottom. Man, talk about crushing expectations. You're Sidney Crosby, and somewhere along the line an irreverent hockey blog dubs you "Hockey Jesus." It's not that the moniker isn't well-deserved. That doesn't scare you, as you lead the league in playoff points despite only playing nine games. You don't mind the holy press and the righteous comparisons. What scares you is the Truth, and it's not going to take a Dan Brown novel to let it leak.

It's true. God IS actually your dad.

All of your Father's Creation was designed solely so that you could win a Stanley Cup. In Heaven, somewhere in his massive study, he's got a mantle where he'd like to place all of his greatest achievements. You know what, Son? There's an empty space atop that flawless marble shelf, between the first Wheel and Pizza Bagels. Wouldn't a Stanley Cup look AWESOME right there? The Man froze both polar caps just so you'd have a pond to hone your skills upon. He promised Atlanta GM Don Waddell a free ticket to Heaven in exchange for Marian Hossa. He granted an Everlasting Life ticket to Sergei Gonchar, whose 83-year-old body is still playing an impressive 25 minutes per game. Sidney, you need to take it from here. You have two choices. Beat the Flyers, or prepare to die for all man's sins.

Ignorance: It's Amazing How Much Easier it is For a Team to Work Together When No One Has Any Idea Where They're Going. Enter the ESPN.com experts. It's a motley collection of SportsCenter anchors, mullets, pasty dot-com columnists and a dude named Amber. In the first round, only Barry Melrose picked the Flyers to knock off Washington. In Round 2, only John Buccigross voted for America to defeat Canada. Round 3? Six out of six casual sports media personalities agree: Stanley Cup Final tickets will be on sale in Pittsburgh in a few weeks.

Now Philly no doubt appreciates the back-handed compliment that it will be seven games before the Pens can dispatch of their cross-state rivals (Six games, Burnside? Fall on a skate blade, pal.) However, if John Stevens finds a way to make this bulletin board material (Derian Hatcher suggests stapling his laptop to the wall), there are a few factors that may cut the Second Coming short. Marty Biron has stolen games in each of the past two series. Kimmo Timonen has played with all the audacity of a premier blue liner, keeping the puck in the zone on power plays and shutting down the opposition's leading scorer. And Jeff Carter of all people, has seemed a step faster than just about everyone in these playoffs. At some point, that dam will break and the goals will flow. Oh, and R.J. Umberger sounds delicious.

The official MYFO pick is the Pittsburgh Penguins in 9.

Stick-tap to Despair for the graphics. [Despair]

Forget kindergarten. Everything you need to know about life can be learned from old Westerns. You can't trust anyone like you trust your horse. Getting drunk and playing cards is really all the entertainment you need. Real men drink whiskey. People will kill you just to steal your boots. And if you need some iron to take down the local gang of rustlers, you go see the Swede.

The Red Wings have plenty of Scandinavian arms merchants, and they all seem to have scary nicknames. The Mule. Demolition Man. Permanent Owner of the Norris Trophy. Henrik Zetterberg is simply a stone killer. This is a Stockholm Syndrome of a very different sort, one that is so terrifying that fellow countryman Peter Forsberg politely stood aside and let them slangpolska right past his Avalanche.

The Stars should watch carefully, lest Loui Eriksson and Mattias Norstrom pull the same deferential disappearing act in the face of the Rott Pyskander. To counter this gang of blue-eyed killers, the Stars have assembled what sounds like a perfectly deadly tennis team: Brenden. Marty. Brad. Stu. Trevor. Can their popped collars deflect bullets? Do they understand that the cold of the Lapland glaciers pales in comparison to the cold in the depths of Lidstrom's heart?

The Stars do have one true gunslinger on their side. Unfortunately, he no longer laces up skates, has acquired a healthy potbelly, and used up whatever hockey karma he might ever have had in the 1999 Cup Finals. More than the personnel moves, such as acquiring Brad Richards at the trade deadline, GM Brett Hull's greatest contribution to young Stars players like Matt Niskanen and Mike Ribeiro could be to help them learn what it's like to be, and to face, a killer.

Some analysts will tell you that the Stars are a more "complete" team than Detroit. I am here to tell you that there is nothing more complete than having the best defenseman, the two best all-around forwards and an thus-far-undefeated goaltender. The Wings have killed Predators and Avalanche. They've killed just about every thing there is. And now they're coming to kill you, Dallas Stars.

And, if you've got ten minutes or so, enjoy:

Larry Hagman and Burt Bacharach. The last time these two were names were associated together was when they were caught snorting blow out of Joyce DeWitt's asscrack at the Playboy Mansion in 1981. Oh, to be a fly on the wall that night.

Moving on, let's get to the series between the Sharks and the Stars. Jerseys with the color cleverly named "Pacific Teal" in them versus jerseys which used to have a giant "N" on the them. Ahem.

The prevailing story heading into the series is the animosity between these two Pacific Division rivals. In the regular season finale between the squads, 160 penalty minutes were assessed, including 90 in the first period alone. Five fights took place as well, including the one below between Steve Ott and the NHL's reigning regular season assists leader Joe Thornton.

Players To Keep Your Eye On:

For the Sharks, you have to include Joe Thornton in this discussion but cannot forget about Patrick Marleau, the team captain. Perhaps the most important player in the series for the Sharks is trade deadline acquisition Brian Campbell. Upon his arrival, Campbell got red-hot, with 19 points in 20 regular season games for San Jose. His production dipped a little bit in the playoffs (3 points), but look for him to get it going again in this series. Ryane Clowe led the team with eight points in the first round series against the Flames.

For the Stars, you have to begin with The Guy Who Gets To Bang Willa Ford Whenever He Chooses, otherwise known as Mike Modano. The ageless Modano tallied five goals and six assists in eight games against the Sharks this season. The key trade deadline move for the Stars was obtaining Brad Richards from Tampa Bay, who had 11 points in 12 games for the Stars. Mike Ribeiro leads the team with eight points in the postseason. The biggest question mark for the Stars is Sergei Zubov. Out since January 17th, Zubie practiced with the team on Wednesday, so his return could be imminent.

Key Stat - Home Ice May Be A Meaningless Factor In This Series:

In splitting the season series 4-4, the visiting team won the first six games.

If I Could Determine The Stakes Of The Wagers Between The Civic Leaders of Dallas and San Jose, I Would Pick:

If the Stars win, San Jose, as the self-proclaimed "capital of Silicon Valley," would allow the Mayor of Dallas to be the first person allowed to test out Adobe Systems' poorly conceived virtual reality software, Adobe Acroscat.

If the Sharks win, the Mayor of San Jose gets all the Texas Longhorn beef he can eat while simultaneously getting his knob gobbled by a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.

If I Were Forced To Select A Woman Born In Each City And Watch Them Mud Wrestle, I Would Have To Choose:

Dallas native Brooke Burns

San Jose native Sheri Moon Zombie

A YouTube Video Breakdown Of The Series By A Fan:

Look out, Kige, the Crempster is moving in on your territory.

Prediction:

Sharks in 6.

From Paul's First Letter To The Russians: So the Prophecy according to Bettman didn't come together exactly. The free will of the orange-clad mortal Joffrey Lupul in DC Tuesday night may have altered a few plans. The first of many playoff battles between the league two great young talents, Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin, just got pushed off until the next testament.

But what's the point of a good Christian fable when Hockey Jesus and his gym class rival lace them up for seven long games? Where's the damn intrigue? The hellfire and the damnation? In a battle of Good vs. Good, Good's probably going to pull it out, even if the victor may be a Geico caveman every now and then.

You want a good story? You're going to need Evil in the Conference Semis.

Enter the New York Rangers. Even though the Commish couldn't get a dream matchup of his two marquee stars, it never hurts to have the league's biggest TV market alive and well in Round 2. After dispatching the Devils in a quick 5, the Blueshirts have been waiting patiently to cast the first stones at Marc-Andre Fleury, the only unbeaten netminder of this postseason. The obvious storyline to gravitate towards would be that of Jaromir Jagr, who spent his early years winning games and avoiding barber shops in Steel Town. He's back to remind you yinzers where he came from. And to stay off his lawn.

But here's the crazy thing. While New York postseason stories are often about just one star player, this Ranger squad actually plays like a complete team. Other than Michal Rosival and Marc Staal, everyone's ice time stayed below 20 minutes in Round 1. And every player not on that dreadful fourth line put the plus in plus/minus. Coach Tom Renney saw his team dispatch New Jersey as a unit, making it easy to fill in the same lineup card each night.

OK, someone fire up the organ. Crank that hymn.

It's true that Ottawa didn't exactly bring their 'A' Game to Pennsylvania, but even if they had, the Pittsburgh Penguins were ready for them. When a team plays dominant hockey, when every battle in the corner comes up in their favor, the stars of the team tend to work on the little things. Hockey Jesus, for example, worked on his passing; his 6 assists have him tied for the league lead. Jordan Staal started winning face-offs once more. And Gary Roberts would like all his fellow members of the Class of 1984 Entry Draft that the reunion will be held at the Radisson in Murraysville once the playoffs are over.

Sure, this is all nice analysis. But you were saying something about a Holy War?

Oh, right. Sean Avery's a New York Ranger, and is the complete opposite of the salvation Crosby's offering to bring the hockey world. Here his is modeling his trademarked Punch Me in the Face Eyewear. Available at concourse fan stands everywhere, as well as NHL.com Shop.

Prediction: Penguins in 7, Avery with 23 PIM.

If this turtle has two faces, then this series has four. Which teams are going to show up on a given night? Will it be the Candiens team that blitzed Boston 5-0 in Game 7, and scored seemingly at will in four games of that series, or the one that struggled to put anything past Tim Thomas in the other 3? Will it be the Carey Price that had consecutive games of giving up 5 goals, or the one that had two shutouts?

For Philadelphia, will it be the tough, gritty team that opened up a 3-1 lead on Washington and closed out two overtime wins, or the one that let the Capitals back in to game after game (and the series) with sloppy play? Is it possible to preview this series entirely in question form?

Canadiens GM Bob Gainey raised a few eyebrows when he shipped Cristobal Huet to Washington at the deadline, anointing the rookie Price as the team's No. 1, and really, only, goaltender (unless you're a huge Jaroslav Halak fan). Immediate, persistent and probably unfair comparisons were made to two other rookie Montreal goaltending legends (and if I need to name them, you're probably just killing time hoping Daulerio finds another female streaker to post). Price will get his first real chance to prove Gainey right: the Flyers and Martin Biron beat Huet in the first round. If Montreal wins this series, Canadiens fans will take to the streets to demand that Price either run for Prime Minister or father a son, so that he can coach said son in a junior hockey brawl.

Other than goaltending, the real question in this series is whether Montreal's finesse-y defense can stand up to the pounding that Philly's violent and suspension-prone forwards will dole out. Here's a list recapping this season's Flyer suspensions:

Jesse Boulerice (no longer with team): 25 games
Steve Downey: 20 games
Riley Cote: 3 games
Scott Hartnell: 2 games
Randy Jones: 2 games

Mike Komisarek is really the only Montreal defender who can dish it out as well as take it, and the Canadiens do not carry a typical "enforcer" on their roster. These Canadiens are a throwback to the "Flying Frenchmen" of yesteryear — never mind that only a couple of them are actually French Canadian. They are a collection of fast, shifty, skilled 190-pound forwards, the lone "bruisers" being Alex Kovalev and sparingly used Guillaume Latendresse. Some might say that's a recipe for playoff disaster, but boy are they fun to watch when they're clicking.

The Flyers, on the other hand, are one giant bruise waiting to happen. I like them to win this series if they can tighten up the defensive zone coverage and avoid stupid penalties. Alternate, probably more accurate prediction: Montreal will win this series, thanks to their top-rated power play and Philly's propensity to take stupid penalties. Second alternate, more fun predictive tool: Which one of these girls is hotter (and trust me, it wasn't easy picking from among the collection of scary chicks that serve as Flyers Ice Girls. I think a couple of those girls could take Saku Koivu in a fight.)? Me, I'll take Montreal in 6 games.

Put away the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. I hate to break it to those who lost interest in hockey in the late 90's and early 00's, but these are not your childhood's Wings and Avs. Yes, most of the major players have returned; Lidstrom, Maltby, Draper, Osgood, McCarty, Sakic, Forsberg, Hejduk, and Foote are all older and wiser. But this is not a bloodbath at the McNichols Sports Arena; this is attrition at the Pepsi Center.

Claude Lemieux's skates have dulled, Darren McCarty is clean, and Patrick Roy lets his son do the dirty work. This Wings/Avs series and the 90's version of the same teams have as much in common as Sorry Ma! Forgot to Take Out the Trash! and Pleased to Meet Me. Do not dismiss this statement as disinterest and obliviousness between these two teams. Just do not expect a gang fight to break out. Complete and utter chaos will only take place if Dominik Hasek's ego inflates while he sits on top of a heating vent.

Zetterberg, Datsyuk, and any other forward are the top line on the ice. Sorry Super Joe, but they inspire fear in onlookers and defensive pairs like Ovechkin racing down the left wing. That's not to say that Colorado is without hope. Jose Theodore's concentration and technique are reaching 2002 levels. If he sequesters himself in his hotel room away from skanks and finasteride, Detroit will have problems hitting the back of the net.

On the other end, Detroit must not give Forsberg time along the halfboards. Only Joe Thornton is more dangerous in that position. Foppa will snipe the top corner or find a streaking Hejduk or Stastny to tap the puck past whatever old man that Detroit plays. Expect Rafalski and Lidstrom, the latter being the best defenseman of the last 25 years, to appear on the ice whenever Forsberg's line is called. Sakic's line will attack the second and third Detroit defensive pairings, giving Niklas Kronwall and Brett Lebda a chance to identify themselves to the masses.

Detroit's superior offense will bombard Colorado. Theodore will hold as long as he is able, but will fold eventually. Red Wings in 6.

No. 3 Washington Capitals (43-31-8, 94 Points; Last made the playoffs with a guy named Cassidy behind the bench and a guy named Jagr on the ice) vs. No. 6 Philadelphia Flyers (42-29-11, 95 Points; Hindenburg-on-skates last season)

The young lass pictured here is Stormy, who was named "Philly's Hottest Flyers Fan" two years ago by rock station WMMR and hopefully has been treated well by both time and gravity since then. Besides some welcome eye-candy — even with the presence of the Flyers jersey —she's included here to help make a salient point: That there hasn't, to my knowledge, been a competition to find the sexiest Washington Capitals fan; Google "hottest Capitals fan," and one of the first hits is for a hot-dog eating contest, which is either completely contradictory or oddly ironic.

This isn't because the Capitals don't have attractive hockey fans (they do) or that D.C. doesn't have a decent rock station (it does). It's more indicative of the seditious attitude that's uniquely Philly, and carries over to the ice in the form of this year's Flyers: Characterized as a collection of thuggish barbarians since their flurry of suspensions to start the season and through Scott Hartnell's mission to take out Sidney Crosby last week. While the focus should be on Ovechkin's first journey into the postseason spotlight, it has shifted to what dastardly tactics the Flyers will use against him and his Capitals. NBC's Pierre McGuire expects the series to be "one of the bloodiest" and "downright ugly."

Looking back at the playoff history between the teams, there will be blood. But you don't have to dip all the way back to Scott Stevens and Jeff Chychrun to measure the animosity between these two franchises; hell, Ovechkin's first NHL fight was against Mike Richards of the Flyers.

So, for a moment, let's wallow in the fantasy of crimson ice and battered bodies; of amped up crowds filled with Redskins fans and Eagles fans; of a true Patrick Division war of attrition.

Until, that is, we wake up and realize that just like every other Flyers playoff year since Ron Hextall stopped playing like an all-star, it all comes down to the goat-in-waiting between the pipes in Philly.

Key Match-Up for Washington: The Irresistible Force vs. The Immovable Object. The first stroke of bad luck the Capitals have had, at least since Nick Backstrom decided to join the Penguins for a few seconds, occurred when the Flyers jumped over Ottawa into the six hole. Washington had owned the Senators this season, and was rather evenly matched with them. Philadelphia offers some match-up problems for the Capitals: A little more offensive depth, a little more grit up front, and that infamous ferocious streak. While I don't believe this will be the rabid wolf-vs.-helpless-bunny showdown some fans think it is (two words: Donald Brashear), the Capitals will have to answer the bell against players like Steve Downie and Riley Cote.

Key Match-Up for Philadelphia: The Damper vs. Momentum. The Capitals enter this series having played a playoff game every other night since, roughly, the middle of January. I think at some point they hit the wall, and that point could very well be in Game 4 with the Flyers up 2-1 on their home ice.

Worst Case Scenario for Washington: The zebras only call one out of every three penalties against Philadelphia, Richards and Briere outscore Ovechkin and Semin, and Bob Gainey turns out to be correct that Cristobal Huet isn't a playoff goalie.

Worst Case Scenario for Philadelphia: The Capitals kick the living shit out of the Flyers in the first two games in D.C. and Marty Biron, who has as many Stanley Cup Playoff stats as Miley Cyrus, joins the long, sad history of Flyers playoff goalie flops.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Flyers in six. All due respect to the Capitals, who've had a great season, but Biron's been in a zone lately and I'll take the Flyers' forwards against the Capitals' defense. As much as we'd all like to see an Ovie/Sidney conference final...

Vital YouTubeage: Before Donald Brashear started kicking ass for the Capitals, he used to kick their asses:

No. 3 Minnesota Wild (44-28-10, 98 Points; Like Vin Diesel, bit by a Duck last season) vs. No. 6 Colorado Avalanche (44-31-7, 95 Points; Uninvited to the Playoff Pants Party)

EA Sports has already simulated this year's Stanley Cup Playoffs, but looking at Colorado's roster brought me back to those Super Nintendo (Chalmers) days. The Avs have a collection of name-talent that the computer would never let you trade for on NHL '97, so you had to release players from one team and then sign them on your team in order to construct your puck juggernaut.

Of course, this series isn't a video game and, more to the point, this isn't 1997. The Avalanche are going to attempt to win this series and the Stanley Cup with a roster anchored by a potentially-retiring Joe Sakic (39 in July) and the Porcelain Puck Messiah himself, Peter Forsberg. It's one of the most oft-quotes stats on the NHL Closer, so once more with feeling: Colorado is nearly unstoppable with Forsberg in the lineup, having gone 8-1 in the games in which he's played. He creates a killer line with Paul Stastny and Milan Hejduk, and juices what is otherwise the worst power play in hockey. Unfortunately for Colorado, his health is about as reliable as using a chewed piece of Juicy Fruit to plug a hole on the space shuttle.

As a Devils fan, I feel for Wild fans. They're still suffering through the same bullshit comments about their style of play, with the "boring hockey" cracks and the Admiral Ackbar "IT'S A TRAP!" jokes. Truth is that the Wild play an exciting brand of transition offense, peppered with offensive standouts like Marian Gaborik (seen here in rubber duckie form), Pierre-Marc Bouchard, Pavol Demitra and Brian Rolston. But convincing someone the Wild don't trap when Jacques Lemaire is still their coach is like convincing someone "The View" doesn't make your brain melt out of your nose when Elizabeth Hasselbeck is still the co-host.

Key Match-Up for Minnesota: Defenseman vs. Offensemen. The Wild are missing two key defenders to start this series: Nick Schultz (appendectomy) and Kurtis Foster, who's out for the season with a broken leg. While team defense remains paramount and Minnesota still has a capable group, facing down Sakic and Forsberg with a third of your defense on the shelf ain't cool.

Key Match-Up for Colorado: Jose Theodore vs. Minny Keepers. The NHL's comeback player of the year — and its leading spokesperson on the dangers of Propecia — has been the constant throughout Colorado's injury-ravaged season. He needs to continue to be that calming influence and steal a game in this series. Meanwhile, Niklas Backstrom will need every once of cool he has behind that depleted blueline. The good news for him is that there's no overtime skills competition in the postseason, which is also good news for the bed he usually shits when it's time for the shootout.

Worst Case Scenario for Minnesota: Peter Forsberg plays in every game, and there's only four of them.

Worst Case Scenario for Colorado: The Wild unleash their inner Hanson by playing Derek Boogaard, Chris Simon and Todd Fedoruk, and Ian Laperriere ends up in the ICU after Game 1.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Avalanche in seven. Forsberg plays in five games, and Colorado wins four of them. And no, I'm not picking this just so we can see a Detroit/Colorado second-round smackdown. OK, maybe I am.

Vital YouTubeage: Yo, this kid is pumped up for the playoffs. And he's got the Web cam to prove it:

No.1 Detroit Red Wings (54-21-7, 115 Points; Blew Game 5 and lost the conference finals to Anaheim) vs. No. 8 Nashville Predators (41-32-9, 91 Points; Shown the door by San Jose for the second-straight season)

The Red Wings are a bunch of softies? Look, don't make them participate in your stupid crap if you don't like the way they do it. You make them get out of bed, you make them come over here. You make them make a phony phone call to Edward Rooney. The man could squash their nuts into oblivion! And then ... and then ... and then you deliberately hurt their feelings.

The last person I'd expect to accuse the Detroit Red Wings of being a collection of Euro wussies — the kind whose photos Don Cherry uses as urinal cakes — would be affable announcer Mike "Doc" Emrick, the man who made "BIG DRIVE!" as much a established attribute of the NHL on American television as miniscule viewership. And yet here's what Emrick said in a preview of the Detroit/Nashville series:

Emrick said Europeans have "smashed a lot of the stereotypes (about being soft), but it still raises its ugly head when you talk about Detroit.

"Do they have enough character? Are they going to be stamped as the Euro skill players, and can Nashville intimidate them? And that's the story for this series," Emrik (sic) said. "In the regular season (these teams), played eight games with no fights. They'll probably have a couple in the first game."

The Chief at Abel To Yzerman would love to hear who, exactly, these Euro softies on the Red Wings are. But there's a morsel of truth to Doc's cultural thesis. It's the reason Detroit sold its soul and traded for Todd Bertuzzi last season. It's the reason Darren McCarty was invited to escape mothballs and join the living again this season. And it's the reason Chris Chelios will likely be playing for the Red Wings until the end of Jeb Bush's second term. They've got great skill, but someone needs to mind the store.

There's always going to be that lingering doubt about Detroit's mettle. It's a team that's lost in the first round as a prohibitive favorite as many times as its won the Stanley Cup since 1997. Is Nashville going to join the Arturs Irbe Club of Red Wings stunners? Eh, not bloody likely.

Key Match-Up for Detroit: The Defense vs. Jason Arnott and J.P. Dumont. These guys led the Predators with 72 points apiece, and they're playoff gamers: Dumont with 20 points in his last 23 playoff games, and Arnott having won the fracking Stanley Cup with a goal in 2000. Take them out, and you've basically carved out the team's heart with a tablespoon and a rusty pair of pliers.

Key Match-Up for Nashville: Crashing the Net vs. Old Goalies. When the defense fails in front of Hasek, he's looked very human this season. Get behind those soft Euros (tm, Emrick) and make him look like a pinball in his own crease.

Worst Case Scenario for Detroit: They're not going to lose this series, so the worst case would be to lose even more players to a list of walking wounded that already includes Samuelsson and Maltby.

Worst Case Scenario for Nashville: David Legwand drives the team bus to Detroit.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Red Wings in five. Nashville's gritty enough to snag a win, but this is Detroit in a walk.

Vital YouTubeage: From his days in Dallas, a little Aaron Downey trash talking:

No. 1 Montreal Canadiens (47-25-10, 104 Points; Uninvited to the postseason pants party) vs. No. 8 Boston Bruins (41-29-12, 94 Points; Also uninvited to the postseason pants party)

Oh, joy: A matchup of the most exciting team in the entire League against a team whose only hope is to smother the fun out of it, like putting a damp pillow over a clown's face.

(As a Devils fan, I think I just had a moment of self-revelation and would like, on behalf of my colleagues, to apologize for the last 15 years.)

To call the current incarnation of this Original Six rivalry lopsided would be an insult to Tara Reid's boob job. Montreal has flat-out owned the Bruins, having won the last 11 meetings between the teams. They're better statistically across the board: In goals for, power play, penalty killing, and actually only 0.01 off the goals-against pace against a Claude Julien team that preaches defense first, second, third and fifth. Outside of the inspirational kick of seeing Patrice Bergeron make it back from concussion-ville and the potential for Tim Thomas to steal a game in goal, a Habs' loss here would be absolutely bat-shit insane.

Key Match-Up for Montreal: Shattering Spirits vs. Glimmers of Hope. Drop Game 1 to the Bruins, and this could be a dramatically different series. If you have your jackboot on the back of Boston's head, you don't let it up to breathe - you stomp the curb, son.

Key Match-Up for Boston: Shaken Confidence Vs. Carey Roy Dryden. The Canadiens have placed their faith in rookie goalie Carey Price, and play stellar team defense in front of him. Boston has to plow through that defense, crush his newbie soul and get inside his head to win this series. Or else this is all Montreal and its fans are going to see during Round One (and thanks to Eyes on the Prize for the blasphemy):

Worst Case Scenario for Montreal: They win in six rather than five or four.

Worst Case Scenario for Boston: Carey Roy Dryden is so magical, the Habs find a way to win in three.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Montreal in five. Boston should break the streak at home for a bit of a tease, but fall short. Warning: If Bergeron gives them a huge lift, if Thomas plays out of his skull and if Montreal's injuries ( like the one to Saku Koivu) prove to be too much, we might have to make a major flip-flop on this pick. And since the Bruins are from John Kerry country, I suppose that would only be apropos.

Vital YouTubeage: "We don't get a lot of French-Canadian cabbies, let alone French-Canadian goalies..."

No. 2 San Jose Sharks (49-23-10, 108 Points; Imploded against the Wings in the second round) vs. No. 7 Calgary Flames (42-30-10, 94 Points; Punked out against Detroit in Round One last season)

There are a few reasons to advocate for a Calgary Flames upset of the San Jose Sharks. There's the epitome of class and underrated artistry that is Jarome Iginla. The potential for a violent Phaneuf'ing of a future playoff foe — Lord knows a few of the Ducks could use one. And, if 2004 is any indication, the more Calgary wins in the postseason, the less Flames Girls seem to wear. This is a good thing. Unfortunately, the Flames are playing the Sharks; and the Sharks and going to win the Stanley Cup.

Uh-oh! What, no spoiler warning? Sorry to kill the drama, but the Sharks have been our pick since the start of the season and there's no reason to take a dusty tumble off the bandwagon now. They've only gotten better, as indicated by that streak that saw them escape a regulation loss for the entire month of March. The addition of Brian Campbell at the trade deadline solidified this team's championship credentials, giving it not only a dependable defenseman but one whose mobility has activated the Sharks' offense. Oh, and his sick NHL '94-esque spin-o-rama goals don't hurt, either. The New York Times said Campbell "has been to the Sharks what Ringo Starr was to his new bandmates, the Beatles." Whatever the fuck that quasi-Buccigrossian nonsense means...maybe they're trying to tell us Campbell's never getting into the Hall of Fame as a solo artist.

But there are reasons for concern for San Jose. Like the fact that Joe Thornton is laid-back to the point of near-catatonia and scored one goal in 11 playoff games last year, giving him just nine in 57 career postseason contests. Like the fact that the Sharks went out like a bitch last season, with Coach Ron Wilson publicly placing captain Patrick Marleau under the driver's side tire for blown defensive assignments and general ineffectiveness. And because Calgary has taken three of four games from San Jose this season.

Key Match-Up for San Jose: Evgeni Nabokov vs. Miikka Kiprusoff. After coming into camp as tons-of-fun, Kipper has played well over the last two months and has a career 2.06 GAA in the postseason. Nabokov has also been good (2.17 GAA) in the playoffs; if Calgary is going to have a chance in this series, it needs a couple of clunkers from him.

Key Match-Up for Calgary: Ex-Sharks vs. Current Sharks. Owen Nolan, Wayne Primeau, center Mark Smith and especially Kiprusoff all previously played for San Jose. I believe it was Khan Noonien Singh who once said: "Ah, Kirk, my old friend, do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold? It is very cold...in spaaaaaace." Of course, there's simply no way Khan could have learned a Klingon proverb while stranded on Ceti Alpha V. (Sorts while laughing, pushes up glasses.)

Worst Case Scenario for San Jose: The Sharks lose inspirational leader Jeremy Roenick for the rest of the playoffs after he begins speaking in a TV interview following Game 1 and then never stops.

Worst Case Scenario for Calgary: Overcome by playoff intensity, Coach Mike Keenan seeks to motivate his team by impaling Kristian Huselius with his own stick.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Sharks in six. Could be one of those series where the Flames win Game 1, everyone gasps, and then San Jose lays the smack down the rest of the way.

Vital YouTubeage: They love them some Craig Conroy up in Calgary, to the point where they croon a sappy love song to him to the tune of "Moon River."

No. 2 Pittsburgh Penguins (47-27-8, 102 Points; Dominated by Ottawa in Round One) vs. No. 7 Ottawa Senators (43-31-8, 94 Points; Allowed a team named the Ducks to place its name on Lord Stanley's Chalice)

There's pregame motivation, and then there's just being stupid.

Herb Brooks's "Dehr time is done...dis is our time!" speech? Pregame motivation at its finest. Jacksonville Jaguars punter Chris Hanson slicing his right leg with an ax during Coach Jack Del Rio's "keep chopping wood" speech in 2003? Fucking idiotic.

The Ottawa Senators' preparations for their first-round series against Pittsburgh fall somewhere in between, but much closer to kicker self-amputation. Forget the new giant photo that hangs near the Ottawa dressing room, one that shows the two teams shaking hands after the Senators' 4-1 win last season; that Penguins team doesn't exist anymore. They're all grows up and they're all grows up and...

The real affront to common sense came when Senators coach Bryan Murray floated the idea that the Penguins intentionally lost their final game of the season to the Flyers because they wanted to play the Senators in the first round. "I knew what was going on. You guys all know — they wanted to play Ottawa," Murray said. "That's fine ... That was fairly obvious from the drop of the puck."

While it's true that Pittsburgh rested Sidney Crosby — who only missed 28 straight games and might like a breather before the playoffs — everyone else saw significant minutes, including starting goalie Marc-Andre Fleury. Can anyone really envision the Penguins preparing to play Game 1 of the Wales Conference Finals in front of a rabid crowd in Montreal, smiling wistfully that they put one over on Ottawa a month earlier?

Besides, we all know the Penguins never throw a hockey game unless it will earn them the No. 1 pick in the draft.

Key Match-Up for Pittsburgh: Time vs. the Knock-Out Punch. The Senators will begin this series missing Daniel Alfredsson, Mike Fisher and Chris Kelly. The longer it goes, the more likely it is they could return to the ice. Pittsburgh should Tyson/McNeely this thing, ASAP.

Key Match-Up for Ottawa: Crappy Goalies vs. Other Crappy Goalies. There isn't another team in the conference (outside of perhaps Philadelphia) whose situation between the pipes negates the nearly automatic disadvantage the Senators have in goal. Fleury was rather awful last season (3.77 GAA) in his first postseason action; Ty Conklin and the playoffs go together about as well as a blowtorch and a Sunoco station. Suddenly, Martin "Sieve" Gerber and that powder keg Ray Emery don't look so bad anymore.

Worst Case Scenario for Pittsburgh: Marian Hossa continues to be a postseason zilch, and Michel Therrien's inherent incompetence as a head coach is too much for the Penguins to overcome.

Worst Case Scenario for Ottawa: The rest of the team's key players get injured, and Ottawa is forced to draft Troy Mallette, Laurie Boschman and Lance Pitlick from the alumni squad to fill in the blanks.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Penguins in five. When the Canadian media is reduced to citing the fact that Ottawa is 3-0 against teams from Pennsylvania in the postseason, it's time to back up the truck.

Vital YouTubeage: Sabres fans offer a musical valentine to Dany Heatley's speed wagon. Stay classy, Buffalo...

No. 4 New Jersey Devils (46-29-7, 99 Points; Beat the Lightning last postseason before getting ass-whupped by Ottawa) vs. No. 5 New York Rangers (42-27-13, 97 Points; Swept the Thrashers before losing to Buffalo in what someone upstate probably considered "The Battle of New York.")

At Devils home games, there's a fairly common chant in the cheap seats: "Rangers Suck," followed quickly by "Flyers Swallow." On the occasion of this latest installment of "The Battle of the Hudson," and with the Flyers lurking in the conference playoffs as well, we feel it's necessary to examine this observation from the Devils' faithful and determine who, exactly, gets it worse: The Rangers or the Flyers?

Taking into consideration the explicit sexual connotation of the chant, the Flyers appear meant to be the more demeaned of the two teams, reaching a punctuated level of emasculating finality. But the swallower, at least to us, infers someone who has reaped the rewards but hasn't put in the effort; someone, for example, who picks up the bowling trophy without ever having seen a pin go down.

The sucker, as it were, infers someone who has put in the work but does not reach finality or reap any reward. True, the inherent homophobia in the chant makes the sucker as humiliated as swallower; but isn't there something more noble about the workmanlike symbolism in the Rangers' sucking rather than the privileged insinuation of the Flyers' swallowing? Especially if the work is the reward for the Rangers. Or, as Pearl S. Buck once said: "To find joy in work is to discover the fountain of youth."

OK, considering the chant, perhaps using a quote with the word "fountain" may not have been appropriate. Or a quote from someone named "Pearl," now that I think of it.

Key Match-Up for New Jersey: Any Devil against Jaromir Jagr. Ever since the days of Scott Stevens concussing anyone he could lay a shoulder into, the Devils have always had an effective game-plan against Jagr. Whether it's Jay Pandolfo or John Madden or Colin White or David Clarkson, New Jersey will flat out piss Jags off - might like they did when these teams last met in the postseason, and Jagr injured his arm trying to punch Scott Gomez in the back of the head. If the Rangers are going to win, they need Jagr to not be the streaky headache he's been in the regular season.

Key Match-Up for New York: Sean Avery against any Devil. Everyone's favorite asshole has already stirred the pot against Marty Brodeur, Zach Parise and Clarkson this season. Avery scrapped with Clarkson yesterday, in fact. He's not scoring much these days, but Avery certainly knows how to get under your skin and get you off your game. He could be the most annoying thing New Jersey's seen since gay governor jokes.

Worst Case Scenario for New Jersey: The series goes six games, preventing the Devils from setting a franchise record with four sellouts in the first round of the playoffs. (I kid, I kid.) Oh, and four words: Starting Goalie Kevin Weekes.

Worst Case Scenario for New York. Chris Drury fails to conjure up any postseason magic, Lundqvist is outplayed by Marty, and Jagr says "fuck this shit" and gets on a plane for Omsk by Game 3.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Devils in seven. I have tickets to Game 2 in Jersey. Yes, I'm already warming up my vocal chords.

Vital YouTubeage: Teach your children well...even if they're Islander fans:

No. 4 Anaheim Ducks (47-27-8, 102 Points; Current keepers of the Big Silver Thingy) vs. No. 5 Dallas Stars (45-30-7, 97 Points; Wasted three Marty Turco shutouts and lost to Vancouver in Round One)

Has another team gone from somewhat acceptable Stanley Cup champion to completely loathsome as quickly as the Anaheim Ducks? I mean, besides the 1995 Devils?

Seems like just yesterday we were happy for Teemu Selanne on the occasion of his first Stanley Cup; joyful that the Bros. Niedermayer were able to drink from the same silver chalice; happy for J-S Giguere for winning the big prize after dealing with the difficult birth of his newborn son early in the playoffs; and generally in awe of everything George Parros.

Fast forward a season, and Selanne and Scott Niedermayer are lazy veterans whose procrastination and eventual success may lead to a rewriting of the NHL rulebook; the Ducks are viewed as a collection of physical brutes, led by perhaps the most talented thug this side of Tupac in Chris Pronger; heck, even Parros's mustache doesn't turn the key anymore.

Meanwhile ... hey, remember when everyone was about to hand Dallas the Stanley Cup after the Brad Richards trade? Well, since then, he's been outscored (12 points) by both of the forwards who went to Tampa Bay - Jussi Jokinen (18 points) and Jeff Halpern (14 points). The Stars are also missing defenseman Sergei Zubov, which would really hurt if they had a chance in hell of winning the Stanley Cup this season.

Key Match-Up for Dallas: The Stars' power play against the Ducks' kill. If Dallas has a prayer of winning this series, it needs hang goals on that Anaheim defense whenever it can - especially with the Ducks missing scorer Corey Perry and having a second line that fluctuates between being pointless and worthless. Anaheim's kill was 12th in the League; Dallas went 9-for-23 on the power play in its five wins over the Ducks this season and 0-for-15 in its three losses. I'm no math major, but...

Key Match-Up for Anaheim: Chris Pronger's elbow against any player whose head is about that height. Pronger just finished his suspension for trying to break a Ryan Kesler scissor-lock by slicing off Kesler's leg with his skate. Please recall last postseason, when Pronger was suspended twice for violent infractions against smaller players. This does not bode well for Mike Ribeiro.

Worst Case Scenario for Dallas: After a one-postseason reprieve, Marty Turco's five-hole once again becomes as well-trafficked as the Lincoln Tunnel.

Worst Case Scenario for Anaheim. The offense is non-existent, Marty outplays Giggy and Pronger has another "episode" that derails his postseason.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Ducks in six. Turco's good for a couple of wins, but Anaheim's physical advantage is too much for the Stars. And Dallas losing the first round is, at this point, a rite of Spring.

Vital YouTubage: Trying to win a truck with a parody of "The Office." Needs less Duck, more Schrute.

More Arnie/Ducks photos found here.