In 1942, the brave Toronto Maple Leafs rebounded from a 3-0 series deficit to win the Stanley Cup over the Detroit Red Wings. Thirty-three years later, the fearless New York Islanders climbed out of the same proverbial hole against the Pittsburgh Penguins. Time is like a river, and history repeats. Can the Dallas Stars succeed where the San Jose Sharks failed in the previous round? They took the first step yesterday with a 3-1 victory.

Dallas played more aggressively to start the contest, drawing three Detroit penalties in the first 13 minutes. However, as Detroit is wont to do, they handled the Stars best shot. Although Dallas controlled the tempo in the first period, Chris Osgood only had to make nine saves, as the Red Wings covered most of the shooting lanes. Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk demonstrated their defensive prowess during this time by accruing three takeaways and not allowing any major problems in their defensive zone.

Detroit should have taken control of the game in the second period. Datsyuk put a shot past Marty Turco, but referee Kelly Sutherland immediately waved off, citing Tomas Holmstrom for crease infringement. Replays showed that Holmstrom's feet stayed outside the blue ice. Swedes are the new victims of profiling. With 23 seconds left in the period, Loui Eriksson scored his fourth goal of the playoffs off a rebound that Osgood could not control.

Zetterberg silenced the American Airlines Center 49 seconds into the third period. Toby Petersen, in a similar spot to Steve Downie in Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Final, turned the puck over at the Detroit blue line to Datsyuk. The Russian skated into the Dallas zone, shoveled a quick pass to Zetterberg, who wristed it past Turco. Four minutes later, Mike Modano's power play one-timer in the slot gave Dallas the lead again. Brendan Morrow added an insurance goal from the same spot on the ice nine minutes later.

Will the Stars overcome the odds? Will Sir Modano bring back the head of the octopus to his fair lady Willa? Will Marty Turco stop playing the puck too often? Eh, probably not.

Puckdumps

The OFB Team speaks for most, if not all hockey fans on Tony Kornheiser's buyout. [ On Frozen Blog ]

In three weeks, Mark Bell will be wearing a throwback Craig McTavish jersey. [Battle of Ontario]

Campbellnomics is not as destructive to lower-class citizens as Reaganomics, but it didn't end the Cold War either. [The Hockey News]

Finally, who or what is the most lifelike in this Little Caesar's ad?

It's nearly impossible not to sound like a broken record here, but the Eastern Conference Finals seem to be going the way of Western Conference, with a convincing 4-1 victory by the smoking hot Pittsburgh Penguins over the dazed and confused Philadelphia Flyers. Both series are now one game away from sweeps. I reckon that could cost the NHL hundreds of dollars in lost ad revenue from all of those missing Versus broadcasts.

Goals by Ryan Whitney and Marian Hossa opened up a quick 2-0 lead for the Pens, quieting the enthusiastic crowd in the Wachovia Center. Both goals were assisted on by Sidney Crosby, giving him 19 points in 12 playoff games thus far in the playoffs. Nevertheless, the real story should be Sidney Christ's facial hair — easily the most impressive playoff beard of this postseason other than whoever Sean Avery was dating.

R.J. Umberger attempted to keep the Flyers in the game, but his goal was all Philadelphia could muster; the Penguins packed it in defensively, utilizing a hybrid of the neutral zone trap (Jacques Lemaire, watching the game from his home in Florida, clasped his hands in a sinister manner and kept repeating the phrase "good...good"). Marc-Andre Fleury was never really tested, turning away a yawn-inducing 17 shots, although Scott Hartnell did clank one off the post when the game was still in reach with the score at 2-1.

Marian Hossa put the game away when he notched his second goal of the game on an empty netter as the seconds ticked off the clock. 4-1 Penguins — game over. The fans then filed out of the arena, got in their cars, drove home and threw on some classic Philadelphia Soul to unwind. Given the opportunity, I would have recommended Rock 'n Soul, Part I by Hall & Oates. The live version of Wait for Me on that album will always soothe the troubled heart.

The Penguins are now one game away from reaching the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since 1992. They are 11-1 in the postseason, and much like Detroit, are not giving an inch to their overmatched opponents. Philadelphia is obviously undermanned, missing their best two offensive-minded defensemen (according to the Versus studio talent), and there doesn't appear to be much hope left for them in this series.

Puckdumps

* Brilliant hockey mind James Mirtle breaks down the NHL's current coaching carousel conundrum. [James Mirtle]

* Wayne Gretzky will not be heading off to Toronto to become president of the Maple Leafs. I imagine Wayne called Janet about the possibility and it played out just like that Roger and Debbie Clemens cell phone commercial — only without the bacne and roid rage. [Puck Daddy]

* MYFO's dear friend wraparoundcurl shares her love of Kevin Smith via a post on Puck Daddy featuring a photo of Seth Rogen and Jeff Anderson (Randall from Clerks) in hockey gear for the movie Zack and Miri Make A Porno. Cool. [wraparoundcurl]

Finally, if you have seven minutes to spare, check out this compilation of some great NHL-related commercials. There is even an awesome "This Is SportsCenter" commercial from the '90's when tWWL actually acted like they gave a rip about hockey.
/wipes tear from eye.

Riding Pavel Datsyuk's first career hat trick, the Red Wings took out the Stars in a 5-2 drubbing at American Airlines Center in Dallas, taking a commanding 3-0 lead in the series. The Red Wings have now won nine straight games in the playoffs.

Datsyuk got the scoring started 9:27 into the first period, but Nicklas Grossman answered six minutes later to tie-up the game. I'm not a hockey expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I can say with complete confidence that allowing Detroit to answer 37 seconds later on Datsyuk's second goal of the night was kind of a momentum killer.

Dallas knew they had to come out aggressive in the second period, and it showed. Starting off on the power play, the Stars appeared to have the perfect opportunity to tie the game when Brenden Morrow was on the receiving end of a nifty pass from Mike Modano, but unfortunately he never got the shot off on an essentially empty net as the puck hopped over his stick.

The Stars kept coming at the Red Wings throughout the second period, in easily the most physical period in the series thus far. When it was all said and done, Dallas had out-hit Detroit 34-16 through two. Despite being dominated physically in the period, Detroit had perhaps the best hit of the period on Mike Modano.

Iit's too bad then for Dallas that out-hitting your opponent doesn't mean squat — goals do — and Jiri Hudler notched another one for Detroit at 11:54 in the second to put the Red Wings up 3-2 at the end of two periods.

From the beginning of the third period on, it was all Detroit Red Wings. Henrik Zetterberg put the Red Wings up 4-2 on a goal eerily similar to Big Daddy Drew's signature move from NHL '94. All that was left was Datsyuk getting his third goal to complete the hat trick at 17:19 and the game was over.

One final note on the game: I noticed that the digital ads on the boards at American Airlines Center had advertisements pimping True.com. Silly ad people. Everyone knows hockey fans don't need a stupid online dating website to get laid. Right? Who's with me?

However, it did provide me ample reason to add this photo:

And this one, if finding a Russian bride is something that has been on your "to-do list" (in Datsyuk's honor, of course):

Puckdumps

* Happy Birthday, Barry Melrose Rocks! I hope you received MYFO's gift in the mail. If the package didn't make it, we're sorry. At least we know she was already dead on the inside. [Barry Melrose Rocks]

* This just in: international referees suck just as bad as their NHL counterparts. The only difference is that their ineptitude is measured using the metric system. [NHL Fanhouse]

* Have you ever wondered what sort of insight Dierks Bentley may have regarding the NHL Playoffs? Nope? For those of you that have nothing better to do, NHL.com has assembled a cavalcade of "celebrities" you have never heard of to blog about the Western Conference playoffs. Did I mention Willa Ford has a blog? Sorry, no naked pictures. [NHL.com]

Finally, I am not so proud to present some super-cool Flyers fans doing the "Fly Guy Dance". I wonder where all the chicks were at that party. Oh, I know — they probably went out to buy these studs more booze. Fuck the Iggles indeed, brah.

"My head is spinning," John said later. "This week has just been incredible and now this. It was like someone dropped me off at the wrong party. I felt like one of the kings of the city for a few minutes with those guys. I really can't think of experiencing anything better than this, except maybe going to Rome or meeting God for the first time."

And then, to prove that he's really from Pennsylvania:

As John Challis was standing between Mr. Lemieux and Mr. Rooney, he looked at them and said, "Wow. I never thought I'd be talking with two owners of sports teams in the city." "There's only one missing," Mr. Lemieux said, referring to the Pirates. John quickly replied, "Yeah, but at least the two winners are here."

John has done radio interviews with Scott Van Pelt on ESPN and Dan Patrick on Fox, and has been invited to games by the Boston Red Sox and Florida Marlins. And Roethlisberger is going to try and get him a visit to a Steelers practice. Marlins pitcher Mark Hendrickson read his story and called the Post-Gazette to set up a meeting with John.

"I read the story [on the Internet] and it was so touching and inspiring," Mr. Hendrickson said. "The date he found out he had cancer [June 23, 2006] is my birthday. As an athlete, maybe we can do something for him and his family. But he could help a lot of people, too, with his attitude. We have a lot of young guys on our team who are wide-eyed. His story and being around him could be humbling and good for them."

Penguins Honor Beaver County Teenager With Cancer [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]
HS Baseball Cancer Battler Meets Mario And Big Ben [Sports by Brooks]
Perfect Game [Deadspin]

Akim Aliu Smiled. The Flyers inserted fourth-liner and major asshole Steve Downie into the lineup prior to Game 2, hoping that the sparkplug would add some energy and not take too many stupid penalties. He did provide some energy, only it was for the Mellon Arena. Downie's lazy third period clearing attempt led to Max Talbot's second goal of the playoffs and the Penguins defeated the Flyers 4-2.

Philadelphia's defense took another major blow two minutes into the game. Braydon Coburn left the game after Evgeni Malkin deflected Hal Gill's slapshot at Coburn's face. After the game, Coburn's left eye was swollen shut. There is no word on how much time he will miss. Kimmo Timonen, the Flyers' best defenseman, will not play again this season due to a blood clot in his leg.

Emotions still ran high after Coburn left the ice. Georges Laraque challenged the entire Flyers roster after shooting a puck into their bench. Immediately afterwards, Tyler Kennedy and Scottie Upshall, two mite-sized enforcers, dropped the gloves in the continuation of the brawl at the end of Game 1. Upshall pulled Kennedy to the ground, but the young Pen stood up again and thoroughly beat down the larger Flyer.

The first four goals were scored on the power play. Sidney Crosby, Marian Hossa and Jordan Staal tallied goals for the Penguins, while Jeff Carter and Mike Richards scored for the Flyers. —Raskolnikov

Link Dump and Chase

The Red Wings signed another unheralded Scandinavian who will score 100 points two years from now. [James Mirtle]

Get a shirt that honors Cam Neely's greatest contribution to modern society. [Orland Kurtenblog]

Henrik Tallinder gets more attention from women on blogs than in person. [Top Shelf Cookies]

Finally, much ado has been written about the inconsistent refereeing this postseason, but at least Don Koharski isn't as stupid as this group of World Championship officials. [TSN]

The Boston Bruins rolled out their Gillette Fusion Zamboni for the final two games of the regular season and three playoff games, reports Darren Rovell of CNBC's SportsBiz. It's also worth noting that Schick did something similar with its Quattro razor at a hockey game in Australia.

Now if you're done with the Gillette Zamboni, this woman needs to shave her legs.

Check Out The "Coolest" Sponsorship Around [CNBC]

Johan Holmqvist is on Line 1, Mr. Turco. The Detroit Red Wings dominated the Stars in Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals, winning 4-1 in a game that was never even close, thanks to Marty Turco blowing goats all night long.

Niklaus Lidstrom took a slapshot straight at Marty Turco, who blocked it, but couldn't find the rebound. Brian Rafalski could, however, and slapped it home before Turco could even react. With that, Detroit opened the scoring on a powerplay goal. That set Dallas back on their heels, and the pressure just kept mounting late in the first when Kronwell took a slapshot from the blue line that bounced off the stick off Franzen that went five-hole on Turco. The second period kept the dice rolling as Rafalski kept an attempted clearing in the zone and which lead to Holmstrom who tipped the puck in for the third powerplay goal of the game. Tomas Holmstrom was literally sitting in Turco's face on the third goal, coming dangerously close to an interference call.

Turco's confidence is obviously shaken with another guy's ass in his face when not wearing his make-up. Valterri Filppula tacked on another, and then, the Turco Death Watch was on. Brenden Morrow chipped in a goal, but by then it was far, far too late. Turco did manage to save face after almost being caught playing Goalfenseman, but the Stars couldn't capitalize on their late chances, and time ran out. Game 2 will be at The Joe in Detroit on Saturday night. These two Red Wing fans may or may not be in attendance, but they popped up under a Google Image Search of Sexy Red Wing fans, so it's good enough for me.

Puckdump:

Deadspin's sixth favorite hockey blogger, Greg Wyshynski, has brought to my attention that hockey-reference.com is up and selling sponsorships for your favorite NHL players. MYFO is slowly buying up our favorites, but Wysh bought Sean Avery and Chris Pronger's page. Selfish bastard. He's running a reader contest to see who can come up with the best label for Pronger's page. See how many ways you can fit in "douchebag" in 255 characters. [Yahoooooooooo!]

Frequent MYFO Commenters Loser Domi and wraparoundcurl have teamed up for a running series chronicling Sean Avery's internship at Vogue. If "shimmerier" isn't already a word, I vote for making it one. [TWWOLD]

Kimmo Timonen looks like he's out for the rest of the playoffs. On the bright side, the way Hockey Jesus has been playing, that will only be the next week or so. [The Broad Street Blog]

Good news, Detroit! You can now toss your calamari around some more! [Skate2Stick]

And finally, here's the longest hockey fight I've ever seen...just when you think they're settling down...they start again! It's Hockey Fight Christmas!

Elitism: It's Lonely at the Top. But it's Comforting to Look Down Upon Everyone at the Bottom. Man, talk about crushing expectations. You're Sidney Crosby, and somewhere along the line an irreverent hockey blog dubs you "Hockey Jesus." It's not that the moniker isn't well-deserved. That doesn't scare you, as you lead the league in playoff points despite only playing nine games. You don't mind the holy press and the righteous comparisons. What scares you is the Truth, and it's not going to take a Dan Brown novel to let it leak.

It's true. God IS actually your dad.

All of your Father's Creation was designed solely so that you could win a Stanley Cup. In Heaven, somewhere in his massive study, he's got a mantle where he'd like to place all of his greatest achievements. You know what, Son? There's an empty space atop that flawless marble shelf, between the first Wheel and Pizza Bagels. Wouldn't a Stanley Cup look AWESOME right there? The Man froze both polar caps just so you'd have a pond to hone your skills upon. He promised Atlanta GM Don Waddell a free ticket to Heaven in exchange for Marian Hossa. He granted an Everlasting Life ticket to Sergei Gonchar, whose 83-year-old body is still playing an impressive 25 minutes per game. Sidney, you need to take it from here. You have two choices. Beat the Flyers, or prepare to die for all man's sins.

Ignorance: It's Amazing How Much Easier it is For a Team to Work Together When No One Has Any Idea Where They're Going. Enter the ESPN.com experts. It's a motley collection of SportsCenter anchors, mullets, pasty dot-com columnists and a dude named Amber. In the first round, only Barry Melrose picked the Flyers to knock off Washington. In Round 2, only John Buccigross voted for America to defeat Canada. Round 3? Six out of six casual sports media personalities agree: Stanley Cup Final tickets will be on sale in Pittsburgh in a few weeks.

Now Philly no doubt appreciates the back-handed compliment that it will be seven games before the Pens can dispatch of their cross-state rivals (Six games, Burnside? Fall on a skate blade, pal.) However, if John Stevens finds a way to make this bulletin board material (Derian Hatcher suggests stapling his laptop to the wall), there are a few factors that may cut the Second Coming short. Marty Biron has stolen games in each of the past two series. Kimmo Timonen has played with all the audacity of a premier blue liner, keeping the puck in the zone on power plays and shutting down the opposition's leading scorer. And Jeff Carter of all people, has seemed a step faster than just about everyone in these playoffs. At some point, that dam will break and the goals will flow. Oh, and R.J. Umberger sounds delicious.

The official MYFO pick is the Pittsburgh Penguins in 9.

Stick-tap to Despair for the graphics. [Despair]

Now, Pittsburgh Penguins supporters are also plotting to overtake the statue , but their dastardly deed has seemingly been foiled by Philadelphia's WIP morning radio.

It's silly little pissing matches like these that escalate into senseless violence. Just look at what happened to these poor souls who were reportedly Mets fans trying to defecate on the Liberty Bell.

Can't we all just get along?

Nefarious Penguin Plot afoot: WIP promises goon squad [Phawker]

Forget kindergarten. Everything you need to know about life can be learned from old Westerns. You can't trust anyone like you trust your horse. Getting drunk and playing cards is really all the entertainment you need. Real men drink whiskey. People will kill you just to steal your boots. And if you need some iron to take down the local gang of rustlers, you go see the Swede.

The Red Wings have plenty of Scandinavian arms merchants, and they all seem to have scary nicknames. The Mule. Demolition Man. Permanent Owner of the Norris Trophy. Henrik Zetterberg is simply a stone killer. This is a Stockholm Syndrome of a very different sort, one that is so terrifying that fellow countryman Peter Forsberg politely stood aside and let them slangpolska right past his Avalanche.

The Stars should watch carefully, lest Loui Eriksson and Mattias Norstrom pull the same deferential disappearing act in the face of the Rott Pyskander. To counter this gang of blue-eyed killers, the Stars have assembled what sounds like a perfectly deadly tennis team: Brenden. Marty. Brad. Stu. Trevor. Can their popped collars deflect bullets? Do they understand that the cold of the Lapland glaciers pales in comparison to the cold in the depths of Lidstrom's heart?

The Stars do have one true gunslinger on their side. Unfortunately, he no longer laces up skates, has acquired a healthy potbelly, and used up whatever hockey karma he might ever have had in the 1999 Cup Finals. More than the personnel moves, such as acquiring Brad Richards at the trade deadline, GM Brett Hull's greatest contribution to young Stars players like Matt Niskanen and Mike Ribeiro could be to help them learn what it's like to be, and to face, a killer.

Some analysts will tell you that the Stars are a more "complete" team than Detroit. I am here to tell you that there is nothing more complete than having the best defenseman, the two best all-around forwards and an thus-far-undefeated goaltender. The Wings have killed Predators and Avalanche. They've killed just about every thing there is. And now they're coming to kill you, Dallas Stars.

And, if you've got ten minutes or so, enjoy:

Happy Cinco De Mayo, Spinners. The second round ended.....eventually. But before we get to the marathon that happened in Dallas and the ass-whipping that happened in Pittsburgh, MYFO sends our congratulations to the Wailers Hockey Club in Montclair, New Jersey for their second championship in the Over 30 Recreational Hockey — oh, who are we kidding. None of you care who these girls are or why they're here. Stare at them. That's all they want out of life anyway. (Photo via Sports By Brooks.)

Penguins on Parade!: Mike Milbury lasted a decade on Long Island because of his observational skills! A few minutes into the third period, he reported that Marian Hossa likely would not return after tweaking his groin. Seven minutes and ten seconds into overtime, after Pascal Dupuis' pass deflected off Daniel Girardi's skate, Hossa put the puck between Henrik Lundqvist's legs, thereby punching the Penguins' ticket to the Eastern Conference Finals with a 3-2 victory. Mike, just quit. Pierre McGuire is better at that job than you.

Hossa opened the scoring on a second period power play. Sidney Crosby, in the right faceoff circle passed to aspiring reporter Ryan Malone in the slot, who passed to Hossa at the left side of the net. Four minutes later, Evgeni Malkin sped down the ice, briefly lost the puck to Rangers defensman Paul Mara, then spun around and roofed a backhanded shot over Lundqvist's shoulder. Milbury astutely pointed out that the Rangers could not afford to go down three goals, and the deficit did not increase. Lauri Korpikoski, who is not a blonde Polish girl, scored his first NHL goal in his first NHL game when he put a wristshot over Marc-Andre Fleury's shoulder. Seventy-two seconds later, Nigel Dawes deflected Scott Gomez's pass to Fleury's crease into the net. The Penguins were stunned, but held on until overtime and Hossa's dramatics.

Chris Drury, brought to the Rangers for his quantifiable leadership and clutch, hates the world. Early in the second period, Malone lost control of his stick and it became stuck in Drury's visor, scratching the latter's face and bloodying his jersey. Marc Joannette and Brad Watson, in their best Mick McGeough impressions, missed the high stick, and called no penalty. In the waning seconds of the third period, Drury clipped Malone's nose, resulting in a four-minute Pittsburgh power play that crossed into overtime. Drury hopes that there will be a large crowd of spectators at his execution. —Raskolnikov

I know she was robbed.The Dallas Stars stole a marathon match from the San Jose Sharks to take the series 4-2 with a 2-1 victory. Dallas and San Jose beat each other silly from the get-go, with hard hits dominating over scoring in the first period. By the middle of the second period, it was simply a matter of survival when Antti Miettinen scored to put the Stars up 1-0. Just after the third period began, Ryane Clowe tied the game and sent the game into a war of attrition in overtime. The Sharks traded for Brian Campbell for his playoff presence, and the Stars traded for Richards because of his clutchiness. Marty Turco and Evgeni Nabokov both made killer saves, complete with Nabokov making a save off Richards that almost had enough force to push his glove across the line. Only after a replay was the series-winning goal disallowed. Turco made an amazing save of his own, bicycle-kicking a puck that was headed into the net off the stick of Patrick Marlowe. There were more spectacular saves sprinkled through the rest of the first overtime....and the second....and the third....JESUS CHRIST SOMEONE SCORE ALREADY!

Marty Turco desperately tries to end my misery by playing goalfenseman and clearing the puck to Torrey Mitchell, but Mitchell fucks up the shot and we play on. Turco gets bumrushed by all five Sharks on the ice but sits on the puck to keep it out of the net. The referee looks legitimately saddened that he has to wave no goal. The defense continues to struggle to follow the puck like a kiddie league team (Hat tip: MYFO Commenter Caps Red Army) as...oh you've gotta be shitting me. A Fourth OT?? This is murder...for both me and the MYFO Live Blog crowd that have been following the gameHOLYSHITBRENDENMORROWSCORES!!!!!

117 shots. All the main players pushed in over 50 minutes of ice time each. The game began at 9:04 EDT and ended at 2:24 EDT. The game ended in the 129th minute of play. It was the fifth longest game in NHL History. Good lord. Dallas advances to play Detroit in the Conference finals to begin Thursday. Pittsburgh and the Penguins begin their series on Friday. To anyone who sat through that game, which had a gametime length of TITANIC, please have a look at Stars Alternate Captain Mike Modano's hot-ass wife, Willa Ford—ReasonableDoubt

Puckdump:

Well, hello there. A fine Friday it is, wouldn't you agree? MYFO is here to help you wrap-up your work week - or for those of you that are underemployed, to remind you to bring up all the dirty dishes to Ma (she's been asking you to do so all week) — with a recap from an exciting night of NHL action.

Jaromir Jagr Will Have His Revenge On Pittsburgh - At Least For One Night. Exorcising a a demon or two along the way while continuing his strong play in this series, Jagr book-ended the scoring for New York with a goal at 12:45 in the second period and an empty netter with 14 seconds left in the Rangers' 3-0 victory over the Penguins at Madison Square Garden, temporarily prolonging the series to a fifth game and avoiding a dreaded sweep.

On his first goal, Jagr ripped a shot past Marc-Andre Fleury and then took a solid hit up high from Brooks Orpik, leaving him laying face down on the ice for a spell before picking himself up, getting to the bench and returning to the ice for his next shift, much to the delight of the hometown fans.

Perhaps rallying around their fallen comrade, Sean Avery, out for the rest of the playoffs with a lacerated spleen (just in case you haven't heard), or stubbornly not willing to bend over and take it up the poopchute for the fourth game in a row, the Rangers put forth their best effort of the series.

Henrik Lundqvist was spectacular in the net, stopping all 29 shots that came his way, including a penalty shot by Evgeni Malkin, after a stickless Dan Girardi had no choice but to drag him down on a breakaway after a nifty pass from Sidney Crosby. In one of the weaker penalty shots I have witnessed, Malkin, as if he were on a leisurely skate around the rink at Rockefeller Center, moseyed up the ice and flipped a weak wrister right into Lundqvist's body.

But perhaps the most appealing aspect of watching the game was seeing Versus temptress Chris Simpson, looking absolutely stunning in a dynamite leather jacket, covering the game from her customary ice-level location. If I had the honor to ask Chris one question after the broadcast, it would most certainly would have been: "When are you going to go do your little turn on the cat walk, Chris, on the catwalk, yeah on the catwalk. Do your little turn on the catwalk?" —Weed Against Speed

Colorado, Jo Ass Belongs to Johan. No Stastny. No Forsberg. No Smyth. The Avalanche were already severely shorthanded, and when Jose Theodore let in a squishy soft goal to Mikael Samuelsson early in the first, they were behind the 8 ball. Not that Avs fans weren't already begging to see Peter Budaj start this game or anything. Tomas Holmstrom set the tone early, with a trademark bump on Theodore, and then added a goal. By the time Johan Franzen converted a pretty give-and-go with Val Filppula near the end of the first, it was all over but the crying—and the Franzen Show.

The Red Wings franchise record for goals in a playoff series had been held by Gordie Howe, with 8. You'll notice my use of the past tense — that's a little journalistic device we call foreshadowing. Franzen added two more goals in the second period (off Budaj, who failed miserably to stop the bleeding) for a hat trick, and a total of nine goals in the series. The four-game series. To call Franzen hot would make a mockery of other allegedly hot things, like lava and the center of stars.

Unlike the Stars and Penguins, who failed to close out 3-0 series, the Red Wings Were Not Fucking Around. I don't know if the Avs closed their eyes and thought of England during their ass-raping, or took Bobby Knight's advice and laid back and enjoyed it, but they were certainly helpless to stop it. Henrik Zetterberg added a couple of goals and some assists. The final score was 8-2, but frankly it could have been worse. A funny and profoundly disturbing thing started to happen to me while watching this game. As a card-carrying member of the Red Wings Suck Club, it took me a while to identify the sensation. I ... started to sort of admire, or at least grudgingly appreciate, the artistry, intensity and ruthless efficiency on display. I think I'm going to be sick. —LeNoceur

Puckdumps

* Be sure to get over and vote in the Finals of the Mike Lange Tournament of Quotes. If it were the Jessica Lange Tournament of Quotes, I would vote for whatever the hell she was saying in this scene. [Going Five Hole]

* That Wyshynski fellow has unearthed the official-unofficial hip hop video of the Montreal Canadiens. I have but one question after watching the video: do they not have Dungeons & Dragons in Canada? [Yahoo! Sports NHL Experts Blog]

* Eric McErlain discusses the coverage by the New York Daily News of the hospitalization of Sean Avery and the subsequent cover-up of their original report. It's important to get your facts straight before filing a report - just like The Weekly World News always does when a new Bat Boy story surfaces. Sheesh. [NHL Fanhouse]

To wrap up the week as well as today's Closer, a YouTube classic: "kids hockey fight". Somehow, the System of a Down background music is oddly fitting.

Buzz Bissinger was right. We are full of shit. All of us. We are rude and crude, mean and cruel. From now on, this little hockey corner of Deadspin will no longer be your home of cocknocker references and busty puck bunnies. Serious Hockey Journalism Only. I was nominated by my compatriots to take on this task because I possess a Journalism Degree (from an accredited university!), with the requisite Professional Training and Responsible Judgment that come with being part of such an elite fraternity. So get ready to eat your sports vegetables, kids.

Montreal's young netminder, Carey Price, rattled from being pulled from Game 3 by Guy Carbonneau, rode the pine in favor of another rookie, young Czech Jaroslav Halak. Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away, the Dallas Stars prepared to continue their improbable Stanley Cup run by knocking off the favored Sharks.

Ah, fuck that noise.

Now that's the kind of journalism I can get behind. Repeatedly. And responsibly, of course. Mustn't forget that.

I'm from Canada. They think I'm slow, eh? As a matter of NHL Closer research, I watched Game 4 between Montreal and Philadelphia in a crowded bar in downtown Toronto, hopeful to see if an entire nation of hockey fans would rally behind their lone team left in the playoffs. Sure, I'm in Habs' enemy territory, but it's a matter of fact that the Maple Leafs last played hockey like four months ago, and why root for America when you can root for Canada?

Turns out, Toronto doesn't give a damn about Montreal, and neither does Danny Briere.

With Jaroslav Halak (all of 4 starts this year) as Guy Carbonneau's Game 4 starter, Carey Price might as well have been the name of the smokin' waitress we had last night. And while this was the talk of the bar (ok, the TSN analysts on TV at the bar) for the hour preceding the face-off, Halak didn't win or lose this game for Montreal (22 saves).

Leading 1-0, the Flyers' Vaclav Prospal (Vinny to his friends), ripped a shot off the pipes. Now when a team already losing hears such a distinct sound of vulcanized rubber on metal, it can give them hope. Hope that there's still a chance to get back in the game. That is, if Scott Hartnell doesn't put the wide-open rebound in the back of the net.

Still, since teams from Canuckistan just don't die, the Habs played the déjà vu card as the same exact duo from Game 3, Plekanec and Koivu, scored 37 seconds apart to tie it up. Fortunately for Philly, Danny Briere capitalized on a power play that put an outshot and outplayed Flyers team on top once again. They're truly charmed this series, and I haven't the faintest idea why. An empty netter by R.J. Umberger sealed the 4-2 win. And sounds delicious after a night of Closer drinking.

It's Yuengling 3, Molson 1, with Game 5 back on tap this Saturday in Canada — Hextall454

Drop that Dookie and You're Done!: The San Jose Sphincters didn't follow Hedy Lamarr's advice. Instead, they tightened up and saved their season from heading down the crapper for one night, defeating the Stars 2-1.

The Sharks opened the game with some sense of their predicament. They forechecked, dug for pucks, and showed the viewing audience that their players have some talent. Dallas weathered the early adrenaline rush, and the first period ended with no score.

San Jose's early effort appeared to go for naught in the second period. Devin Setoguchi committed a horrible turnover when he whiffed on a clearing attempt through the center of the zone. Jere Lehtinen wristed the slow-moving puck past Evgeni Nabokov. A few minutes later on a Dallas power play, Patrick Marleau appeared for his five seconds of shorthanded glory. He picked off a cross-ice pass at the San Jose blue line, then scored low-blocker side on Turco. Then, Marleau flew on a jet to San Jose, hoping that his teammates would win the game so that he may steal their glory in Game 5.

The third period was the downfall for the Sphincters in the first three games of the series. They squandered leads in Game 2 and Game 3, playing as though they did not care. Joe Thornton, perhaps shamed after Stephane Robidas bumped him off a second period puck, took command on an early power play. Jumbo Joe shielded defenders in the face-off circle to the left of Turco, then made an easy pass to Milan Michalek, who tapped the puck past the Dallas keeper. Nabokov only had to make five saves in the final period, and the series is headed back to San Jose. —Raskolnikov

Puckdumps

Martin Biron is still not over the Nordiques' move to Colorado. [ Flyer Flies]

Resurrecting the "Canadian Conspiracy" Theory (Failing Miserably Since 1994!). [ James Mirtle]

Avs fans are keeping their chins up. Or not. [ Mile High Hockey]

Good day, fans of either playoff hockey or scantily clad women (or both - we don't discriminate), there were three huge games last night so let's get right to it.

Penguins Perfect; Malkin Manly; Rangers Resigned. The Penguins' run to the Stanley Cup Finals is starting to look inevitable. The Rangers, who had hoped to snatch back momentum at home in the Garden, threw everything they had at the Penguins, outshooting them 39-17. It didn't matter. Hart Trophy Finalist Evgeni Malkin scored twice and set up a third-period backbreaker by Ryan Malone as the Penguins took a 3-0 series lead, and 7-0 postseason mark.

Malkin transformed from "pretty good young player" to "superstar" during Sidney Crosby's injury this season, carrying the Penguins on his back during a time when many believed they might slip to the fringes of playoff contention. He has continued to dominate in the playoffs, with 13 points in seven games. It's not like anyone is going to forget about Hockey Jesus...but St. Geno is rapidly converting the nonbelievers to the cause. And he doesn't turn 22 until this summer.

The Rangers helped matters considerably, though. After tying the game 3-3 on quick goals from Ryan Callahan and Jaromir Jagr, Ryan Hollweg (eschewing the traditional playoff beard for a playoff porn 'stache) rammed Petr Sykora into the boards from behind—a call that is going to be made 100 times out of 100. Malkin scored on the ensuing power play. Christian Backman served as a third-period goat for the second consecutive game, standing around idly as Malone tipped in the final goal and crushed any Rangers' momentum. If there had been dandelions growing on the ice, Backman would have been picking them.

As someone who has had the misfortune of watching Sister Christian Backman play "defense" for the last few seasons in St. Louis, this was not an isolated brain fart. Ironically, the Rangers purportedly acquired him for his offense, which has been similarly nonexistent—he scored 8 points in 18 games for the Rangers in the regular season, and has been shut out in the playoffs. Being Swedish, apparently, is not sufficient to make one an "offensive" defenseman. The Rangers will attempt futilely to stave off elimination on Thursday. Praise Hockey Jesus! —LeNoceur

Of Mixing Metaphors and Shitting the Bed: Mike Ribiero avoided Mike Grier's halfhearted check along the right-wing boards and passed the puck to Mattias Norstrom, who wristed a shot past Evgeni Nabokov four minutes and thirty-seven seconds into overtime, giving Dallas a 2-1 victory and a 3-0 lead in the series.

Patrick Marleau, after having a power play goal negated due to Don Van Massenhoven losing sight of the puck, opened the scoring on a shorthanded breakaway with thirty-five seconds left in the first period, roofing the puck over Marty Turco's glove. From then on, the Stars controlled the puck. Only Evgeni Nabokov kept the Stars at bay for a time. Forty-seven seconds into the third period, Sergei Zubov tallied his first of the playoffs on a two-man advantage. More Dallas domination followed, with Nabokov carrying his team on his back until Norstrom's screened shot.

San Jose is a leaky sphincter ani externus; they're not trying to hold in the dookie, representing their season, which slides closer and closer to the toilet. After last night's loss to the Stars, the Sharks are one more slackening game away from another offseason of questions, gutchecks, and colonoscopies. Joe Thornton has displayed the qualities that brought him to San Jose: indifference and temerity. Brian Campbell should be losing money on his next contract due to his matador defense. Tense up and hold your shit, Sharks. —Raskolnikov

Whatever happened to East Coast Bias? As the festivities began at the Pepsi Center late last night, the Sharks and Stars were already finished, showered, and no doubt refueling at a Dallas-area IHOP. (Nothing hits the spot after playoff hockey like pancakes. Lots and lots of pancakes.) But for the native Detroiters that wished to see their beloved Wings widen their series lead over the Avs, a 10:10 Eastern start awaited. Seriously, Bettman? We couldn't have scheduled a 7 p.m. Mountain start?

Colorado used that extra hour to complete revamping their lineup that was so thoroughly embarrassed at the Joe in Game 2. Exit Ryan Smyth (foot injury), Jeff Finger (made-up person), and Jaroslav Hlinka (not good at hockey.) Enter Scott Hannan (back from injury), T.J. Hensick (drew short straw), and Peter Forsberg (he's Peter Forsberg, damn it.) Detroit saw no need for changes, and after a back-and-forth affair, we can all see why.

Despite the best efforts of Andrew Brunette, who placed two power play goals behind the mighty Osgood, the Red Wings seemed in control the entire game. Even when Cody McLeod gave the Avs a 1-0 lead, the fact that Detroit peppered Jose Theodore with 19 shots in the first period alone kept the Motown faithful at ease. No need for surprise heroes, either, as the goal scoring was left to the pros: Pavel Datsyuk (2), Henrik Letoberg, and Johan Franzen did the damage. Game 4's Thursday. Until then, I leave you with this question.

Who's ready for some Budaj? —Hextall454

Puckdumps

Instead of diddling with your Xbox (if that's what you kids are calling it these days), why not check out these fine blogs?

One of MYFO's favorites whips up some entertaining LOLRangers. I would have called it LOLCockKnockers, but they are still great. [The Wonderful World of Loser Domi]

Some Monday Morning Musings on a Wednesday. Time flies when you're on a narcotics bender. Be that as it may, check out the photo of the t-shirt at the end of the post. [Hockey Rants]

Further poof that we need to build a fence between the U.S. and Canuckistan. "Rock, you got anything derogatory to say about Habs Fans?" "Derogatory? Yeah. They're great." [AOL Fanhouse]

Finally, those crackpots at The Onion have so graciously provided us the video equivalent of the oft-used "hoc-key?" quip. Funny? Yes. Original? No. Can I ask another rhetorical question? You bet your ass I can.

In Philly, We Love to Chant for Best Picture Winners. Up until this season, I can't imagine the Wachovia Center faithful had the name "Marty" on top of their list of supportive unison incantations. Thanks to a certain netminder just over the River in Jersey, any chanting of said name was done in the spirit of mocking (as well as quiet jealousy). However, that Martin has been dispatched from the 2008 Stanley Cup Playoffs, and the Flyers goalie Marty Biron remains. Much to the chagrin of the Montreal Canadiens.

Game 3 moved the Eastern Conference semifinals to Philly last night, and as in the previous two contests, the Orange and Black grabbed the lead and did their best to hang on for dear life, at the mercy of Biron's waffleboard. Before the scoring commenced, an entire period of tempers and tension prevailed. Derian Hatcher, who will be making a larger impact later in this Closer, garnered one of four roughing minors incurred with two minutes left in the period. Steve Downie was in rare form in the first as well, if by "rare form" you mean "an inexperienced rookie who takes dumb penalties." Montreal controlled the play, hitting the iron twice and falling victim to a Biron stick save on a Saku Koivu breakaway early on.

In Round 2, Habs' goalie Carey Price must have came back completely naked, as his lack of padded protection made it easy for the Flyers to score just about any time they fired the puck. Scottie Upshall turned a quick transition and a Joffrey Lupul pass into a 1-0 lead. And after a Lasse Kukkonen penalty for the puberty-favorite Holding the Stick, Mike Richards picked off the puck at the point and fired from afar past the naked Price. And so that Flyers didn't have to defend their most dangerous lead in hockey, R.J. Umberger nonchalantly scored his fifth of the playoffs to enter 2nd intermission up 3-0. Three goals on seven shots in the period? Yep, lack of equipment must be the reason.

When the 3rd period began, neither Price nor the hockey sticks of the Philadelphia returned to action. After two Montreal power play goals and a mere two Flyer shots on reserve Jaroslav Halak, the Flyers had hung on for the 3-2 win. But the real story? Derian "Ice Floe" Hatcher's 10 minute misconduct for boarding/elbowing/facecrushing Francis Bouillon into the glass behind Biron.

In other news, Mike Knuble is questionable for Game 4. Animosity, on the other hand, is probable.

Puckdumps

The last remnant of ESPN's Hockey coverage, coaching in Tampa? Stranger suits have happened. [ Kukla's Korner]

If Sean Avery is the Blueshirts' Fulton Reed, a certain former perennial all-star is their Kenny Wu. [ Globe and Mail]

And finally, surely you remember Sylvain Turgeon. You know, of the Hartford Turgeons? Ok, most of you probably don't remember him. And if you do, it's probably not because of his pugilistic skills:

Marc-Andre Fleury was solid between the pipes, stopping 26 shots. Lundqvist was no slouch either, making 30 saves, many of them with a traffic jam in front of his crease. Adam Hall sealed the victory for the Penguins with an empty-netter with 17 seconds left.

The Rangers appeared to tie the game when Martin Straka got the puck past Fleury, but referee Dan O'Halloran, suffering from premature whistleation, blew the play dead before the puck trickled in when he lost sight of it. Rumor has it a hit has been put on O'Halloran by the Lucchese crime family.

The Rangers appear to have lost their edge and confidence after blowing a 3-0 lead in Game 1 of the series, ultimately losing that game 5-4. New York will have the opportunity to get back on track with some home cooking as Game 3 is at Madison Square Garden on Tuesday night.

Sean Avery was up to his usual antics at the end of the game, invading Fleury's personal space as the horn sounded. Fleury and Avery exchanged shots with their sticks, a fracas ensued and the stage has been set for a bit of the old Ultra-Violence. At this point, Versus Studio Analyst Keith Jones, closed his notebook, walked down to the railyard and carved "Game Over" into a transient's chest. That guy's bloodlust cannot be satiated. Perhaps Avery and Jones both need Elisha to soothe their savage tendencies. It couldn't hurt.—Weed Against Speed

Smile, You Son-Of-A ...: For two periods, the Sharks controlled the energy and tempo of this game. Marty Turco did the splits, stood on his head, and controlled his urges to nutmeg a forechecking forward to hold the Sharks to a 2-1 lead.

Then, the Sharks lost their will and desire to play, surrendering four goals in the third period en route to a 5-2 victory, giving the Stars a 2-0 series lead heading back to Dallas. Thirty seconds into the period, Joel Pavelski lost an edge in the Sharks zone, allowing Brad Richards to steal the puck and rip it past Evgeni Nabokov stick-side. Three minutes later, Mike Modano gave the Stars their first lead on an abbreviated power play. Two Niklas Hagman goals provided ample insurance and a chorus of boos at the Shark Tank.

Although Turco stopped 29 of 31 shots, he showed signs of turning into the "bad" Turco. In his attempts to become the Stars #1 defenseman, he turned the puck over twice in the third period. First, he tried to clear the puck through the center of the defensive zone, which lead to a Mard-Eduoard Vlasic shot that missed everything. Two minutes later, he misplayed another puck behind the net, giving the Sharks a chance which they did not deserve. Marty, you have an oversized stick for a reason. Do not play the puck and your team will advance. —Raskolnikov

Puckdumps

* The folks at NBC seem to believe that Alexander Ovechkin plays for the Canadiens. If that were the case, would the residents of Montreal insist we refer to Ovie as Unfrozen Cro Magnon Hockey Player. instead? On Frozen Blog

* Barry Melrose Rocks authors a post about Flyers fans editing Barry Melrose's Wikipedia page. Universe caves in on itself. Barry Melrose Rocks

* It appears my dream of Sidney Crosby and Jaromir Jagr starting a band together isn't ever going to happen. I imagine they would have sounded a lot like Seals & Crofts, only they wouldn't be the GREATEST BAND EVER! NHL Fanhouse

Finally, video of Brad Richards reacting to getting a beer dumped on him in the penalty box during Game 1 of the Habs/Flyers series. No word on whether the fan who committed the act was ejected from the arena. The last time I dumped a beer on someone, I was kicked out of the Ball Pit at Chuck E. Cheese's.

Larry Hagman and Burt Bacharach. The last time these two were names were associated together was when they were caught snorting blow out of Joyce DeWitt's asscrack at the Playboy Mansion in 1981. Oh, to be a fly on the wall that night.

Moving on, let's get to the series between the Sharks and the Stars. Jerseys with the color cleverly named "Pacific Teal" in them versus jerseys which used to have a giant "N" on the them. Ahem.

The prevailing story heading into the series is the animosity between these two Pacific Division rivals. In the regular season finale between the squads, 160 penalty minutes were assessed, including 90 in the first period alone. Five fights took place as well, including the one below between Steve Ott and the NHL's reigning regular season assists leader Joe Thornton.

Players To Keep Your Eye On:

For the Sharks, you have to include Joe Thornton in this discussion but cannot forget about Patrick Marleau, the team captain. Perhaps the most important player in the series for the Sharks is trade deadline acquisition Brian Campbell. Upon his arrival, Campbell got red-hot, with 19 points in 20 regular season games for San Jose. His production dipped a little bit in the playoffs (3 points), but look for him to get it going again in this series. Ryane Clowe led the team with eight points in the first round series against the Flames.

For the Stars, you have to begin with The Guy Who Gets To Bang Willa Ford Whenever He Chooses, otherwise known as Mike Modano. The ageless Modano tallied five goals and six assists in eight games against the Sharks this season. The key trade deadline move for the Stars was obtaining Brad Richards from Tampa Bay, who had 11 points in 12 games for the Stars. Mike Ribeiro leads the team with eight points in the postseason. The biggest question mark for the Stars is Sergei Zubov. Out since January 17th, Zubie practiced with the team on Wednesday, so his return could be imminent.

Key Stat - Home Ice May Be A Meaningless Factor In This Series:

In splitting the season series 4-4, the visiting team won the first six games.

If I Could Determine The Stakes Of The Wagers Between The Civic Leaders of Dallas and San Jose, I Would Pick:

If the Stars win, San Jose, as the self-proclaimed "capital of Silicon Valley," would allow the Mayor of Dallas to be the first person allowed to test out Adobe Systems' poorly conceived virtual reality software, Adobe Acroscat.

If the Sharks win, the Mayor of San Jose gets all the Texas Longhorn beef he can eat while simultaneously getting his knob gobbled by a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.

If I Were Forced To Select A Woman Born In Each City And Watch Them Mud Wrestle, I Would Have To Choose:

Dallas native Brooke Burns

San Jose native Sheri Moon Zombie

A YouTube Video Breakdown Of The Series By A Fan:

Look out, Kige, the Crempster is moving in on your territory.

Prediction:

Sharks in 6.

From Paul's First Letter To The Russians: So the Prophecy according to Bettman didn't come together exactly. The free will of the orange-clad mortal Joffrey Lupul in DC Tuesday night may have altered a few plans. The first of many playoff battles between the league two great young talents, Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin, just got pushed off until the next testament.

But what's the point of a good Christian fable when Hockey Jesus and his gym class rival lace them up for seven long games? Where's the damn intrigue? The hellfire and the damnation? In a battle of Good vs. Good, Good's probably going to pull it out, even if the victor may be a Geico caveman every now and then.

You want a good story? You're going to need Evil in the Conference Semis.

Enter the New York Rangers. Even though the Commish couldn't get a dream matchup of his two marquee stars, it never hurts to have the league's biggest TV market alive and well in Round 2. After dispatching the Devils in a quick 5, the Blueshirts have been waiting patiently to cast the first stones at Marc-Andre Fleury, the only unbeaten netminder of this postseason. The obvious storyline to gravitate towards would be that of Jaromir Jagr, who spent his early years winning games and avoiding barber shops in Steel Town. He's back to remind you yinzers where he came from. And to stay off his lawn.

But here's the crazy thing. While New York postseason stories are often about just one star player, this Ranger squad actually plays like a complete team. Other than Michal Rosival and Marc Staal, everyone's ice time stayed below 20 minutes in Round 1. And every player not on that dreadful fourth line put the plus in plus/minus. Coach Tom Renney saw his team dispatch New Jersey as a unit, making it easy to fill in the same lineup card each night.

OK, someone fire up the organ. Crank that hymn.

It's true that Ottawa didn't exactly bring their 'A' Game to Pennsylvania, but even if they had, the Pittsburgh Penguins were ready for them. When a team plays dominant hockey, when every battle in the corner comes up in their favor, the stars of the team tend to work on the little things. Hockey Jesus, for example, worked on his passing; his 6 assists have him tied for the league lead. Jordan Staal started winning face-offs once more. And Gary Roberts would like all his fellow members of the Class of 1984 Entry Draft that the reunion will be held at the Radisson in Murraysville once the playoffs are over.

Sure, this is all nice analysis. But you were saying something about a Holy War?

Oh, right. Sean Avery's a New York Ranger, and is the complete opposite of the salvation Crosby's offering to bring the hockey world. Here his is modeling his trademarked Punch Me in the Face Eyewear. Available at concourse fan stands everywhere, as well as NHL.com Shop.

Prediction: Penguins in 7, Avery with 23 PIM.

1997 was a time when The Worldwide Leader did, in fact, cover hockey. Barry Melrose got to showcase every last one of his tragically pinstriped suits. Darren Pang was on the payroll and could be counted on to fit into the small spaces behind desks should you drop your pen back there. Hell, NHL2Night was a nightly fixture, giving The Deuce something to break up all the thrilling coverage of a group of guys sitting around a table staring at playing cards. And yes, the only rivalry that could overcome Bristol's East Coast Bias was the Detroit Red Wings and the Colorado Avalanche.

So on a night where the Four-Letter did its best to pretend it cared about the overall well-being of Major League Soccer, they wanted you to know that they still had their eye on the first Wings-Avs playoff series in five years. How? But of course, by going to the archives and using that damn Vernon-Roy photo, that I've used above, on their homepage. As my comrade Raskolnikov alluded to in our Series Preview, this photo will have nothing to do with this series. But hey, it's not all bad. Mike Vernon's mother is making a scrapbook of all the press clippings of her son's career, and it's nice to keep her on her toes.

Hear Me Now unt Believe Me Later. And while so many of those players from that bloody 96-97 rivalry are strangely still around, Detroit winger Johan Franzen most certainly was not. While many of his teammates were forging the hottest hockey rivalry of the decade, the 6'3" Franzen was but a Swedish teenager, pursuing a future in culinary arts. As a rookie two years ago, he was limited to checking roles, making sure the best scorers on the other team had difficulty lighting up Old Man Hasek. This year, however, he's come into his own. And by his own, we must mean complete domination of the Colorado Avalanche.

After an early 1-1 tie, Franzen cut through the center of the Avs defense, (which includes Adam Foote, so I'm using the term 'defense' loosely), drew every Colorado player around towards him and dished to Daniel Cleary. Cleary shot from the right side, only to have Jose Theodore make the initial save. Of course, I say initial, because the Avs' netminder forget to control the aerial rebound that ended up in the net some 90 seconds later. Four minutes later, our new favorite Swede found himself on the power play, taking a Kronwall shot from the point and redirecting it for a 3-1 lead (Yes, Adam Foote missed this one, too.)

After a good intermission rest, Franzen came back one minute into the second and blasted a left-handed slapshot from the slot past Theodore, and that would do it for the Detroit scoring. Sure, Colorado came back to end up within a goal. Who knows, maybe if, I don't know, PETER FORSBERG played last night, we'd be writing a different Closer.

Sources close to Mike Vernon said Forsberg is also "too damn old" for playoff hockey. — Hextall454

Like a woman in a gas station bathroom. The Montreal Canadiens were almost doomed by their refusal to dump. After Joffrey Lupul put the Flyers ahead 3-2 with a power play goal at the start of the third, Philadelphia put on an absolute clinic, standing up four wide at their own blueline.

Montreal insisted on carrying the puck into the zone, to little effect. Occasionally, someone would squeak by the defense and get off a weak wrister, but with no one else in the zone, the Flyers just cleared the rebounds away. Even my 20-month-old daughter was yelling "FORECHECK" at the screen.

The Flyers had jumped out to a 2-0 lead in the first, but Andrei Kostitsyn and Alex Kovalev tied it up in the second. A late third-period power play goal, again by Kovalev, sent the game to OT. The Flyers played a terrifically smart game, only taking two penaltiesin regulation. But Tom Kostopopopopolous pulled the game out for Montreal just 48 seconds into OT, following (gasp) some terrific forechecking. "It's about fucking time." We're really going to have to work on that potty mouth before she starts preschool. — LeNoceur

Puckdumps

Just when you thought the Flyers turnaround between series was too short, Scott Hartnell proves 48 hours is way too much free time. [ The 700 Level]

Speaking of "ridiculously obsessed with fashion," we give you The Cock Knocker Wears Prada [ With Leather]

And finally, MYFO has come to Detroit to see some playoff hockey tomorrow afternoon. Any Deadspinners going to the game? Letus know, and maybe we'll grant you a MYFO exclusive. Your thoughts on hockey will be read by tens of people.

If this turtle has two faces, then this series has four. Which teams are going to show up on a given night? Will it be the Candiens team that blitzed Boston 5-0 in Game 7, and scored seemingly at will in four games of that series, or the one that struggled to put anything past Tim Thomas in the other 3? Will it be the Carey Price that had consecutive games of giving up 5 goals, or the one that had two shutouts?

For Philadelphia, will it be the tough, gritty team that opened up a 3-1 lead on Washington and closed out two overtime wins, or the one that let the Capitals back in to game after game (and the series) with sloppy play? Is it possible to preview this series entirely in question form?

Canadiens GM Bob Gainey raised a few eyebrows when he shipped Cristobal Huet to Washington at the deadline, anointing the rookie Price as the team's No. 1, and really, only, goaltender (unless you're a huge Jaroslav Halak fan). Immediate, persistent and probably unfair comparisons were made to two other rookie Montreal goaltending legends (and if I need to name them, you're probably just killing time hoping Daulerio finds another female streaker to post). Price will get his first real chance to prove Gainey right: the Flyers and Martin Biron beat Huet in the first round. If Montreal wins this series, Canadiens fans will take to the streets to demand that Price either run for Prime Minister or father a son, so that he can coach said son in a junior hockey brawl.

Other than goaltending, the real question in this series is whether Montreal's finesse-y defense can stand up to the pounding that Philly's violent and suspension-prone forwards will dole out. Here's a list recapping this season's Flyer suspensions:

Jesse Boulerice (no longer with team): 25 games
Steve Downey: 20 games
Riley Cote: 3 games
Scott Hartnell: 2 games
Randy Jones: 2 games

Mike Komisarek is really the only Montreal defender who can dish it out as well as take it, and the Canadiens do not carry a typical "enforcer" on their roster. These Canadiens are a throwback to the "Flying Frenchmen" of yesteryear — never mind that only a couple of them are actually French Canadian. They are a collection of fast, shifty, skilled 190-pound forwards, the lone "bruisers" being Alex Kovalev and sparingly used Guillaume Latendresse. Some might say that's a recipe for playoff disaster, but boy are they fun to watch when they're clicking.

The Flyers, on the other hand, are one giant bruise waiting to happen. I like them to win this series if they can tighten up the defensive zone coverage and avoid stupid penalties. Alternate, probably more accurate prediction: Montreal will win this series, thanks to their top-rated power play and Philly's propensity to take stupid penalties. Second alternate, more fun predictive tool: Which one of these girls is hotter (and trust me, it wasn't easy picking from among the collection of scary chicks that serve as Flyers Ice Girls. I think a couple of those girls could take Saku Koivu in a fight.)? Me, I'll take Montreal in 6 games.

Put away the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. I hate to break it to those who lost interest in hockey in the late 90's and early 00's, but these are not your childhood's Wings and Avs. Yes, most of the major players have returned; Lidstrom, Maltby, Draper, Osgood, McCarty, Sakic, Forsberg, Hejduk, and Foote are all older and wiser. But this is not a bloodbath at the McNichols Sports Arena; this is attrition at the Pepsi Center.

Claude Lemieux's skates have dulled, Darren McCarty is clean, and Patrick Roy lets his son do the dirty work. This Wings/Avs series and the 90's version of the same teams have as much in common as Sorry Ma! Forgot to Take Out the Trash! and Pleased to Meet Me. Do not dismiss this statement as disinterest and obliviousness between these two teams. Just do not expect a gang fight to break out. Complete and utter chaos will only take place if Dominik Hasek's ego inflates while he sits on top of a heating vent.

Zetterberg, Datsyuk, and any other forward are the top line on the ice. Sorry Super Joe, but they inspire fear in onlookers and defensive pairs like Ovechkin racing down the left wing. That's not to say that Colorado is without hope. Jose Theodore's concentration and technique are reaching 2002 levels. If he sequesters himself in his hotel room away from skanks and finasteride, Detroit will have problems hitting the back of the net.

On the other end, Detroit must not give Forsberg time along the halfboards. Only Joe Thornton is more dangerous in that position. Foppa will snipe the top corner or find a streaking Hejduk or Stastny to tap the puck past whatever old man that Detroit plays. Expect Rafalski and Lidstrom, the latter being the best defenseman of the last 25 years, to appear on the ice whenever Forsberg's line is called. Sakic's line will attack the second and third Detroit defensive pairings, giving Niklas Kronwall and Brett Lebda a chance to identify themselves to the masses.

Detroit's superior offense will bombard Colorado. Theodore will hold as long as he is able, but will fold eventually. Red Wings in 6.

Thunderdome. Two teams enter, one team leaves. Tina Turner as Aunty Entity, singing "We Don't Need Another Hero" while swinging a hockey stick. Mel Gibson as Mad Max, before all the anti-Semitism, cycling the puck with a bunch of orphans. You've seen it all before.

As much as I detest using a bit that is so ... played, there were indeed two such situations last night in the National Hockey League — two Game Sevens.

There's no tomorrow...the teams are going to leave it all on the ice...give 110%...insert overused sports cliché here and then another slightly less-used but still-irritating sports cliché here and we're set.

To be honest, the only reason I kept up such a tired bit is so I could show off my horribly-embarrassing MS Paint skills:

Gary Bettman as the The Master is somehow oddly fitting. Angelo Rossitto would have been proud. But who in the NHL would be willing to take on the role of The Blaster?

With that, we're off to Tomorrow-morrow Land. Take it away, boys.

While My Bettman Gently Weeps. All of it was going to plan. The Capitals surged past the Flyers at Wachovia Monday, thereby ganking all available momentum, and headed home to D.C. to close out the series Tuesday. Alex Ovechkin had finally been programmed to kill, Cristobal Huet had realized the fewer rebounds, the less work and NHL.com was ready with the Matt Bradley Factor featurette. If the Caps were to take care of business, they'd meet up with Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins in Round 2. No doubt, this is THE match-up Gary Bettman prayed for.

Apparently, Jesus had a light dinner and turned in early last night.

As it has been customary in this nerve-shattering series, Nicklas Backstrom kicked things off with a power play goal. As the Flyers did their best to break the massive momentum shift, Scottie Upshall used a rare appearance on the power play to tie the game with under five minutes left in the fist. This was no doubt a call to arms to midgets everywhere, as Sami Kapanen (empty)-netted his second of the series to turn the tide in the Flyers' favor.

Of course, in Soviet Russia, tide turns you.

Alexander Ovechkin, who appears to be a good hockey player and will likely have a nice career in this league (I'm paraphrasing the verbal fellatio of our dear Versus broadcast team), proved that Game 6 was no fluke by means of a blue line blast that completely surprised Marty Biron. Other than this shot, Biron was razor sharp last night. Some analysts will say it was because his reflexes were catlike. I say it was because his eyes can see straight into the souls of sinners.

And six minutes into overtime, all conventional wisdom was sucked out of the Verizon Center. For free-agent signing Tom Poti was sent to the box, giving the Flyers a rare overtime power play. Timonen shot, Huet forget that rebounds are bad, and Joffrey Lupul walked around the netminder for his first playoff goal this year and the series clincher.

BREAKING NEWS: Gary Bettman has passed another mid-playoff rule change. If you are in the penalty box for a series-clinching goal that keeps one of the league's young stars from advancing, you must stay in said penalty box until Training Camp. Sorry, Tom. —Hextall454

FAT FUCKING FINN!!!: The Sharks advanced to the Western Conference Semifinals by defeating the Flames 5-3.

I lost this year's "Who Will Turn on Mike Keenan First?" pool by choosing Darryl Sutter. He was Keenan's assistant and heir apparent in Chicago! How can you blame me? Miikka Kiprusoff was this year's selection after Keenan pulled his #1 goaltender for the second time in the series, this time for allowing four goals on thirty shots. Two hundred six-year-old Jeremy Roenick scored two goals, including one that snuck through Kiprusoff in the same fashion that a miniature golfer bests the windmill hole: putt when the blade is in front of the opening.

Curtis Joseph replaced Kiprusoff after Joel Pavelski corralled and roofed a power play deflection that was not Kipper's fault. Joseph validated Iron Mike's decision by letting Devin Setoguchi's weak turnaround wrist shot find the back of the net. Keenan will antagonize Phaneuf, Huselius and Iginla soon enough. The over/under on Keenan's dismissal: January 2009.

Evgeni Nabokov was good enough, stopping 19 of 22 shots. Wayne Primeau, Iginla and Owen Nolan scored for the Flames. —Raskolnikov

I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up.

The Conference Semifinal Matchups have now been set, and they are:

Eastern Conference
* Philadelphia Flyers VERSUS Montreal Canadiens
* New York Rangers VERSUS Pittsburgh Penguins (Friday, 7:00)

Western Conference
* Colorado Avalanche VERSUS Detroit Red Wings (Thursday, 7:30)
* Dallas Stars VERSUS San Jose Sharks (Friday, 10:00)

A complete schedule, including those available for viewing on the juggernaut that is the Vs. cable network should be available by the time this Closer is posted on Versus'website.

Quick note: MYFO has been afforded the honor of writing previews for each of the above series for Deadspin. Look for them in the coming days. Obviously, expect a lot more of this:

* Owen Nelson and Kelly Devins contributed to the filing of this post

Puckdumps

* Another Puckdump? This is worse than the time the KB compared the Vancouver management situation to The Family Guy. Just kidding. [a href="http://communities.canada.com/theprovince/blogs/kurtenblog/archive/2008/04/21/the-canucks-according-to-family-guy.aspx">Orland Kurtenblog]

* A final word on the riots in Montreal. [Four Habs Fans]

* Photographic evidence that the actor who portrayed Principal Feeny on the television show Boy Meets World is a huge Flyers fan, and he seems kind of angry. [Barry Melrose Rocks]

* Shaven or Unshaven? See for yourself in the Edge Playoff Beard Gallery. Funny, I went through the entire slideshow and didn't see one photo of Sean Avery's playoff beard, Mary-Kate Olsen. Zing! [NHL.com]

* Finally, this video has made its way around the intertubes, but it is well worth revisiting. Hey drunken hockey fan, shine on you crazy diamond. Salute.

Hordes of rioting fans set fire to police cars, smashed store windows and looted local businesses following the Canadiens' Game 7 playoff win over the Boston Bruins. Police arrested 16 people, who face a number of charges — including breaking and entering a business, armed assault on a police officer, mischief on a police vehicle, assault and various bylaw infractions. "After the Canadiens won their game, people started attacking private businesses, attacking police officers and throwing rocks or any objects they could find at police cars," said Montreal Police Const. Laurent Gingras.

Here's the scene right after the game. When Canadians begin whipping off their shirts, you know trouble is ahead.

Rioters Run Amok In Montreal After Playoff Victory [The Gazette]

We Can no Longer Trust Logic: Previous to last night, humanity used statistics to predict future events. Versus hammered the comparison between the 2004 and 2008 Boston-Montreal series into our heads for the past week. The higher seed was up 3-1 in the series, then lost Game 5 by a score of 5-1 en route to losing the subsequent two games, and Claude Julien coached both underdogs. Naturally, one would expect Boston to win Game 7, with Tim Thomas shutting out the gutless Habs. Instead, the Canadiens dismantled the plucky Bruins 5-0, winning the series 4-3. In your face, Heinrich Heine! Canadiens fans, beneficiaries of twenty-four Stanley Cups, displayed grace and poise in victory. Rocket Richard would be so proud of them.

Carey Price regained his earlier form, stopping 25 shots, including three quality chances by Phil Kessel and one by Game 6 hero Marco Sturm. Marc Savard congratulated Patrick Roy's heir apparent by elbowing Price in the head at the end of the game. The Amazing Kostitsyn brothers, Andrei and Sergei, combined for three goals, with the elder brother Andrei scoring twice. Alexei Kovalev added two assists. Guy Carbonneau attributed the victory to his lucky tie. If Guy were sporting a skater's cut and a straighter nose, he'd look like me at a junior high dance. Er, um, would, uh, you like to, you know, dance with me? — Raskolnikov

Excuse Me, Sir? You Seem to Have Some Semin in Your Eye: The Capitals forced a Game 7 in Washington by defeating the Flyers 4-2. Mike Richards opened the scoring on a powerplay off a Caps tripping call to put the Flyers up 1-0, but things really began going downhill when Danny Briere, he of the Hockey Emo Bangs and the Dashboard Confessional, slotted home what looked like the game-topper just after the 2nd period started. The Caps weren't prepared to go down without a fight. Alexander Semin and Nicklas Backstrom played tic-tac-toe on a 3-on-2 break to get the Caps on the board halfway through the second, and Semin tied it up just before the end of the second to silence the rowdy Philly crowd by catching a puck that fell out of Biron's glove. That gut punch took all the fight out of the feisty Flyers team. The Flyers opened the 3rd with the full-court press. They ricocheted a puck off the post within the first 30 seconds, but that was the last time they showed any kind of movement on the puck.

That is whenOVIE TIME came into play on a breakaway, tossing a puck over Biron's left shoulder to put the Caps ahead. Afterward, the Flyers just skated around looking like they got their block knocked off. They erred by receiving a Too Many Men on the Ice penalty and got hit by Round Two of OVIE TIME, a Fulton Reed-like blast of the puck. — ReasonableDoubt

Puckdump:

Sunday's games closed out two series and set a crucial Game 7 up for another. For the fans of the teams that had their season end over the weekend, here...have a pretzel. Except for you, Brodeur. You've had plenty already.

Production Assistants Rejoice! Things were looking grim for the interns in the NHL video vault last week.The Predators had tied up their series with the Red Wings with two electrifying wins, and the memo went out to produce a montage for NBC of Detroit's historic first-round choke jobs. 2006 to Edmonton. 2003 to Anaheim. In 01, it was the Kings. And let's not forget 1994, when the Johan Garpenlov Sharks took down Motown in 7. And as the series headed back to Detroit this weekend, Nashville had all the momentum.

And then they benched the old man.

Enter Chris Osgood. Exit the Dominator. After taking care of business at home Friday, Osgood (who curiously enough, was a rookie on that '94 team) and the Wings headed back to Nashville and closed out the series with a 3-0 shutout, while their 43 year-old Czech netminder flipped the channels at the hotel for Matlock reruns. Lidstrom silenced the raucous home crowd by collecting a Henrik Zetterberg face-off win and firing a Russ Tyler knucklepuck from West Murfreesboro. It fooled Dan Ellis for the 1-0 lead. Jiri Hudler broke the tension of a one-goal game in the third. A late Rafalski empty netter completed the trifecta, disappointing all those who like to see 1 seeds fail horribly against 8 seeds.

Eh, I guess there's always Montreal. Right?— Hextall454

An ESPN Commenter Would Have Wrote That It Was Good The Flames Won This Game Or Their Season Would Have Been Over. The Calgary Flames avoided elimination by beating the San Jose Sharks 2-0 in a rather boring game (if you're not a particular fan of either team) Sunday at the Saddledome. The series resumes Tuesday night for Game 7 in San Jose, which means Saint Joseph in English, for those of you who don't speak Spanish.

Former Shark Owen Nelson, on the receiving end of a nifty pass from Kristian Huselius, got the scoring started 11:33 into the first when he put one past Evgeni Nabokov to make it 1-0 Flames. The Sharks had a chance to tie it up on a 3 on 1 when Milan Michalek, on an individual play that would have looked more at home in the Special Olympics, took the puck up the right side and instead of performing the time-honored practice of, you know, passing or shooting the puck, proceeded to skate to the side of the net and tap the puck back and forth to himself until a player on the Flames had the humanity to take the puck away from him. I bet Michalek almost feels as stupid as this guy. The Flames made the Sharks pay for the blunder when with less than a minute to go in the period; Daymond Langkow buried a shot for 2-0 lead heading into the second intermission. Mikka Kiprusoff was steady once again in the net for the Flames, making 21 saves for the shutout. Since they upset the Red Wings way back when, the Sharks have consistently coughed up 3-2 series leads (as the announcers reminded us every 45 second or so). Patrick Marleau and company are feeling their collective gorges rising just a little bit once again.

Finally, a bit of whimsy: to show everyone watching the broadcast from other markets that average San Jose fans have no understanding of the game of hockey whatsoever, CSN aired a commercial last night about some nanotechnology or other where they ask people in attendance at a Sharks game what icing is. The three people they ask, at least one wearing a Sharks sweater no less, had no idea. One of them, a mother holding her poor child who has at least a few trips to the emergency room in his future, said it's when they "smooth the ice". Apparently in San Jose, showing ignorant people throwing their money away at a hockey game is a great way to market your product. At least they went to a game. — Weed Against Speed and LeNoceur

Quack, Quack, Quack, Mr. Ducksworth! Is there any team in the NHL that plays dirtier than the Ducks? Cheap shots, random sticking when the refs aren't looking, and Neidermeyer looks like Old Man Winter trying to clear a puck. He has to be taking some banned substance. After 10 penalty minutes in the first eleven minutes of play and a scoreless first period, Corey Perry opened the scoring by going five-hole on Professional Goalfenseman Marty Turco from beyond the faceoff circle. I haven't seen legs spread as wide as Turco's were since prom night with Kelly Devins.

The Stars, however, weren't going to let this game go to Tuesday for a Game 7. Stephane Robidas took a ricochet off the boards to even the game, and Stu Barnes came right back to put the Stars up for good, as Dallas finally solved the Mystery of the Jiggy. Loui Eriksson tacked on the nail in the coffin with just a few minutes left. The Stars sealed the deal and put the defending champions out in the first round. Don't feel so bad, Duck fans. You still have plenty of California Surfer Puck Bunnies. —ReasonableDoubt

Before we finish up, one of our own asked to say a few words on the part of the dearly departed Minnesota Wild. You can read obituaries like this for the Wild and our other dearly departed teams at MYFO's feature celebrating the start of golfing season for the losing teams, See You on the Fairway:

How do you solve a problem like Jose? The Minnesota Wild, for the second consecutive playoffs, were ousted in the first round, lasting six games against the Colorado Avalanche before finally running out of steam. With a depleted defensive corps for most of the series (although Nick Schultz miraculously returned to the lineup a mere twelve days after an appendectomy), the Wild were undermanned and overmatched against a far more experienced Avalanche squad. Despite only having the lead for less than five minutes, Minnesota outplayed Colorado most of the series in almost every facet of the game other than the two most important: goals scored (that always hurts) and goaltending. Wild captain Marian Gaborik registered only one point in the entire series on an assist and as mentioned previously in the Closer, Jose Theodore played out of his propecia-addled mind. The Wild discovered much to their dismay that getting the puck past Theodore was as difficult as giving the dog a bath, both literally, and um, the way Urban Dictionary defines it. Yikes. —Weed Against Speed

Puckdump: