There's already been talk of expanding instant replay to more situations beyond home run calls, but as Jonah Keri of the Wall Street Journal points out shouldn't we be able to get rid of the umpires altogether? The technology used at major tennis tournaments has pretty much put line judges out of business (although they still let them sit in those prime seats so Serena Williams has some to talk to), so that solves all those fair/foul questions. Balls and strikes are even easier to handles since every Major League park already has the "Pitch-f/x zone evaluation system" that the league uses to assess their umpires' ability at the plate. If the Pitch f/x machines are the ones telling the humans what is and isn't a strike, then why do we need the meatbag standing behind the catcher? Just cut out the middle man.

All that's left is tag plays and force out on the base paths. That's simple—radio-transmitting baseballs and pressure activated base alarms that will determine if the ball hits the glove before the foot hits the bag. (Also works for trapped fly balls in the outfield.) And for the occasional rundown, pickoff play, or hit batsmen, we just make everyone wear those Laser Tag sensors. We've had the technology since 1986. What's the hold up?

Or we could just make sure that the best people umpires work the biggest games and also fire those that suck at their job, but that seems a lot less fun. The robots are going to enslave us anyway, so what's the use in fighting it?

Does Baseball Need Umpires? [Wall Street Journal]
Palermo wary of more replay in baseball [Kansas City Star]
Blown calls in playoffs? 5 ways to break ump slump [AP]

Outside of calling balls and strikes, you would think that being an umpire is pretty simple. It requires almost no physical effort and there are very few "judgment" calls that require interpretation of some vague rule during split-second action. (Was that pass interference or incidental contact? Did he establish position before that charge?) Most decisions on the baseball field are very black and white and in the playoffs you get two extra guys so that's even less responsibility for some, yet somehow these guy keep screwing up the most basic umpiring functions.

Let's see if we can find them all....

AL Central Tiebreaker: With the bases loaded and one out in the top of the 12th inning, Brandon Inge is hit by a pitch. (Clothing counts!) Home plate umpire Randy Marsh says he wasn't. Inge grounds out, the Tigers fail to score and lose in the bottom of the inning.

Red Sox-Angles ALDS, Game 1: On two different plays, first base umpire C.B. Bucknor—once voted by players as the worst umpire in Major League Baseball—calls Howie Kendrick safe, even though replays showed 1B Kevin Youklis applied the tags to get Kendrick out. In both cases he fails to score, but the Red Sox lose anyway.

Yankees-Twins ALDS, Game 2: In the top of the 10th inning, Twins catcher Joe Mauer hits a line drive that bounces off Melky Cabrera's glove and clearly lands in fair territory before bouncing into the stands for what should have been a ground rule double. However, left field umpire Phil Cuzzi—who is at the game specifically to call fair balls down his line—rules it foul. Mauer later reaches on a single, but the Twins fail to score and lose in the bottom of the inning.

Rockies-Phillies NLDS, Game 3: With the game tied in the top of the 9th, Chase Utley hits a weak ground ball in front of the plate, but hustles down the line and is called safe at first when the throw is offline. However, replays show that not only did first baseman Todd Helton have his foot on the bag, the batted ball hit Utley while he was in the batter's box and should have been ruled a foul ball. As a result of the play, a runner on base moved to third and later scored the winning run on a sacrifice fly.

Did the ball hit him or not? Did he step on the base or not? What's that white line for? These are pretty basic questions for an umpire and those who are called upon to work playoff games are supposed to be the best of the best. So how have they botched these plays so spectacularly? Are we headed toward another Don Denkinger moment, when a egregiously blown call blatantly costs one team a game—and maybe the World Series?

We better hope not, because if that happens (and even if doesn't, the way things are going) then instant replay review will become a staple of Major League games and the slowest sport in the world will ooze to a molasses-like stalemate. Then you'll see some REALLY bad calls.

Umpire's Gaffe Fuels Talk of Expanding Replay System - washingtonpost.com [Washington Post]
MLB umps battling Letterman for October goat honors [USA Today]
Some players cry foul against umpires at Fenway Park [LA Times]
Umpires continue playoff slump, blow call twice on Utley single [Big League Stew]
Nothing But Complaints [WEEI]

No, not the hate crime bill. Over there in the corner. (Click to enlarge.) It seems someone on the Washington Post web staff—who may or may not be a fan of The Wilbon—jumped the gun on the Cards-Dodgers final last night. I mean, there was pretty much no way for the Cards to lose that one. No way at all. Unless....

It's no Dewey defeats Line Drive, but I'm guessing Matt Holliday will probably want to stay hidden under the covers this morning.

[Photo grabbed by reader "Boon Doggle"]

* * * * *

So they're tearing down Giants Stadium and Bruce Springsteen wrote a song about it. Why didn't anyone ever write a song about the Kingdome?

One letter, short and to the point, stood out. "Dear Cubs," it began. "Thanks for nothing." Among the torn-up Cubs posters and T-shirts, another note read: "Dear Cubs 2008, It really hurts knowing I'll never see you again. We had some great times."

The shrine, at Waveland and Sheffield, was started by Murphy's Bleachers workers upset at the Cubs getting drummed out of the playoffs. It grew as passersby added messages and trinkets.

Let's see how big we can get this thing. Extra points for anyone who leaves a picture of Mariotti with a mustache.

Cubs Fans Erect Shrine To Futility [Chicago Sun-Times]

• Elegy To The 2008 Cubs. Will I quit? Hell no; I'm a Cubs fan. That's how I grew up; if you're my age or older you have many of these shared disasters, now all of us have 2008. When last night's game ended I took off my division champions T-shirt, that I had been wearing for whatever luck or mojo it could contribute (sure, I know it can't really affect players 2000 miles away), but why not? — and tossed it in the trash. [Bleed Cubbie Blue]

• I'm Done. I'm done with you Cubs convention!!!!!!! I've already cancelled my room. I'm done with it!!!!!! I'm done with the regular season!!!!!! Other them checking the scores, I'm done watching these pieces of shit in April-Sept. I'm done with going to to Wrigley in the regular season!!!!! I'm done with my W flag and Go Cubs Go!!!!!!!! I'm done until they win a playoff series!!!!! Next year was this year and this very talented team pissed it away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm done with MLBTRADERUMORS.COM. I'm done with it!!!!!! I could care less what they do in the off season. I'm done with Hot stove baseball talk!!!!! I'm done. The only thing that matter is October. I'm done!!!!! [Ghostofpaulnoce]

• So Long. The Chicago Sun-Times’s website says this in today’s front page. If so, I think it was SUPER CLASSY of them to run an ad for the local cable service letting Cubs fans know they can “Watch the home teams on Comcast Digital Cable with HD.” Yes, it’s always fun watching my home team getting swept out of the playoffs in HD. [Blogging Via Typewriter]

• F$%& The Cubs, F$#* The Culture Of Losing, F#*$ Manny Ramirez, F#*% Aramis Ramirez, And F@#& You. I can't process this or talk about it right now. I'm angry. Only in sports could a tradition of losing be a successful business model. And it's because retards like me keep coming back for more. [Not Qualified To Comment]

• The Disappointing Cubs: How 2008 Ranks. Well, that sucked. Here's how the disappointing suckiness compares with previous disappointing suckinesses: [Wrigleyville23]

• Nine Reasons To Believe The Cubs Will Be Fine In '09. Maybe life is not fair, maybe the world is cruel and stinging, maybe our hearts were made to be broken. But between all the heartbreak and sadness are moments, infantisimal in length yet seemingly infinite. It is these moments that define our lives — your first kiss, the first night spent with the love of your life (and the last), long departures and short reunions. Our love of sports in general and Cubs baseball in particular can certainly be described as cruel. We live with heartbreak, this weekend is only the most recent example. But our moment is coming, even if some of us will never live to see it. And that moment, when the Cubs win, it will be glorious. Believe me, it's coming. And if you don't believe ... well, what the hell are you doing here to begin with, then? [Goat Riders Of The Apocalypse].

The Brewers had their own offensive worries, though [Joe] Blanton can take credit for most of those. The burly right-hander, acquired in July from Oakland, hadn't pitched since Sept. 26 and was making only his second career postseason appearance. But he was in a groove from the minute he took the mound, thanks partly to Rollins' leadoff homer.

"From the first batter, it really set the tone. It allowed me to get comfortable," Blanton said.

Both the Phillies and the Dodgers are in a good position with their early wins, allowing them to start their ace pitchers and rest their rotation before Thursday when they meet up for the NLCS.

Game 1 is Thursday in Philadelphia.

• The Rays and White Sox had their 4:05 start delayed. The tarp is currently off of the field, so play should begin shortly. Tampa Bay is looking to sweep Chicago for their first trip to the ALCS. Tampa Bay has never been to the playoffs before but have done well this year, winning the division and showing what happens when you build intelligently with youth. UPDATE: The game is now underway.

"Dodger fans, you are very special," Joe Torre said. "The way you supported us all year when we struggled, when we couldn't get out of our own way ... I can't tell you how much we appreciate it. Just don't go away, we'll be back next week, because we still have eight more games to win."

I remember when he used to talk to Yankees fans like that. It breaks my heart a little. The feel good story has become Torre and Manny, a couple of east coast cast offs who have silenced their critics. I'm officially shoving aside my American League allegiance and rooting for the Dodgers to go all the way.

•The Brewers were able to hold off the Phillies, and playoff elimination, with a 4-1 win over the Phillies. Three hits from J.J. Hardy and a strong 5.1 inning performance by Dave Bush. Milwaukee had a brief scare when Philadelphia loaded the bases with no outs and Pedro Feliz hit a double-play grounder to shortstop that scored Ryan Howard. But Shane Victorino was called for interference when he didn't slide into second, sending the runners back. A short grounder to Torres ended the game.

• Phillies at Brewers, 6:35 pm ET on TBS
"Later today, the Phils will look to close out the divisional series with the Brewers. Up 2-0 in a best-of-5, there are still some questions about the hitting, with all of the Phillies' runs coming in two of the 16 innings they've come to the plate. I'm still falling on the side of, 'they're winning, and the pitching has been great, so there's no need in bitching.'" [The 700 Level Club]

"Those who wanted Brewers interim manager Dale Sveum to shake up his lineup for Game 3 of the NLDS against Philadelphia in an attempt to get the bats going can forget it. Sveum told us before the team's workout today at Miller Park that he plans no shakeups for the must-win game against the Phillies tomorrow. Other than substituting Bill Hall for Craig Counsell and Rickie Weeks for Ray Durham, which Sveum always does against lefties (Jamie Moyer is pitching), he said he is planning no changes." [Brewers Blog]

• Cubs at Dodgers, 10:05 pm ET on TBS
"If Lou Piniella is referred to the skipper of the team, the Chicago Cubs might as well be a ship.And that ship is sinking fast. Much like the feeling in our hearts. Since the beginning of the Wild Card era, sixteen teams trailed 0-2 in the NLDS. Only three teams were able to force game four and no one was even able to force a fifth game, let alone win it." [My Thoughts on the Cubs]

"Is this happening? Are the Dodgers really up two games to none against the Cubs in the National League Division Series? It’s hard to believe, but we are just one game away from advancing to the NLCS after Thursday night’s 10-3 win. The Dodgers used the same ingredients to win game two that they used in the game one victory: hitting, pitching, and some help from the Cubs." [Rockin' the Ravine]

Down 0-2 in the best-of-five struggle, Cubs fans are in a surly mood. They've all but declared this one over, as can be seen all over the message boards on Cubs blogs this morning.

• Somebody hire Al Davis to figure out a way that K-Fuk can be fired for cause. — sitrick2

• Blech. — BellwetherMeltdown

• If this is the best of what’s to come, I don’t want to know what the worst is. — Clark Kellogg

• Isn’t milton bradley a free agent this year? — sitrick2

• You know that scene in scanners before the guys head blows up? Yeah. That’s about where I am. — JDools

Hmm, I guess we won't be needing these. Meanwhile, champagne is on ice in Mannywood, as the Dodgers look to close it out in Chavez Ravine on Saturday at 7 p.m., PST. On Thursday Ramirez's 26th career post-season homer and Russell Martin's three-run double were the big hits, as LA chased Carlos Zambrano. “It wasn’t good baseball. In fact, the last two days, that’s probably been the two worst games we’ve played all year,” a frustrated Lou Piniella said. “It wasn’t fun to watch, I’ll tell you that.”

The Cubs manager then gently laid his head on his desk and closed his eyes, as members of the press tiptoed out, careful not to wake him.

Cubs Turn To Sleep Doctor Too [Daily Press]
Dodgers Roll Again, Push Cubs To The Brink [NBCSports]

I was going to hop on a train again — it feels like I've spent half my life on a train for the past two months — content to watch the updates on the cellphone and just get out of this box-filled apartment for another four days, two days, one week whatever. But then 5:14 p.m. suddenly became 6:09 p.m,. as it tends to do sometimes when you're paying too much attention to things you can't control, and the first pitch was thrown, and, shit, well, you can't leave once the first pitch is thrown.

Brett Myers has been awful lately and when he loaded the bases in the first inning, walked in the first run, it appeared that awfulness would continue and the Phillies would have to face giant-assed C.C. potentially down three or four runs. Didn't happen. Still, the way the chubby dude's been pitching one run could be more than enough to finish the job, tie the series, shift the momentum, all that.

Then, in the second inning, it changed; Myers had That At Bat, which was truly a reminder of why you love your team, why you love your city, and that sometimes, good things happen when you least expect it and when you need them the most. Philly Inquirer columnist Bob Ford did a pretty good piece about Myer's Walk and you can read that here, but, so far, the email I received from Jesse Silverman (one he originally drunk-emailed to Ford after he read his column, no less) probably best captures everything you're supposed to capture about last night's game and the reasons why we continue to hang on to teams even though they're destined to break our hearts. So, sorry Brewers fans, sorry Cubs fans and, yeah, sorry Mets fans, but you know, we're all in this together for moments like this. Enjoy.

*******

Bob,

I am 32 years old. Old enough to have been alive for the '83 Sixers and Philadelphia's last championship, but young enough to not remember a single one of the fo, fo, fo. I attended a 15-14 World Series loss. I attended 4 playoff games as the '01 Sixers made their way to the NBA Finals. I was there for an NFC Championship Game loss to the Panters as well as an NFC Championship Game win against the Falcons. I was there for Milwood's no hitter against the Giants. I was there for, well you get the point. I've been to countless Philadelphia sporting events. More often than not they've ended in heartbreak. Tonight I attended Game Two of the NLDS. Needless to say things were different.

Tonight I felt like I was at Yankee Stadium as the Bronx faithful unnerved yet another not quite ready for primetime pitcher. Tonight I felt like I was a NY Giants fan feverishly praying that Scott Norwood would be wide right. And that prayer was answered. Tonight I was a Chicago Bulls fan praying that Michael Jordan would not get whistled for a push off against Bryon Russell. And the whistle was silent. Tonight I was part of a crowd which actually affected the outcome of a game.

Myers at-bat started off as nothing more than a joke. He stepped into the box much as he did in a pinch hitting role where he was instructed to stand at the plate much like a windmill. Wave your arms, but do not stray from your position. Don't you dare swing. But then a strange thing happened. Bit by bit Myers put an at-bat together. I deliriously cheered a broken bat at one point. I gleefully recited lines from Rocky 3, "You hurt him! You see! He's just a man! He's not a machine! He's a man!" as Myers singlehandedly tore down the Oz-like curtain from in front of Sabathia. With each pitch the crowd sensed momentum changing. Myers unknowingly, unwittingly, unsuspectingly, unbelievably was slaying the dragon. Strike (swinging), Strike (swinging), Ball, Foul, Ball, Foul, Ball, Foul, Ball, Walk.

In the rightfield bleachers, where I was sitting, we serenaded Sabathia with chants of "C.C., C.C., C,C,...". With each pitch the intensity of the chanting grew. The louder we chanted the more wild C.C. delivered. No matter that he was pitching on short rest for the umpteenth time in the last three weeks. We had him rattled. Four balls to Rollins and it was unmistakable. The ultimate trade deadline acquisition had been derailed. Shane Victorino strolled to the plate and struck the death blow on a 1-2 pitch. We caused that. We forced C.C. to make that mistake. We willed Shane to that homerun.

I've never been a part of a crowd like that. We affected - no we willed that result. Emperor Sabathia had no clothes. The Phillies faithful completely disrobed him.

* * *

Bottom 9th

10 3

Well, the final inning — or at least the Cubs' first four batters — was like trying to give the massage parlor customer a happy ending after castrating them with rusty surgical equipment. Why torture a team like that? Just let them strike out or ground out quietly and send the series to LA where no one will notice Chicago will be swept.

Oh well. Really painful games all night. So much for belief in the NL Central. If you go to bed tonight and still hear a nonstop influx of booing, you'll know why. Thanks for persistently refreshing, gang.

12:49 — After working a full count and fouling off a couple pitches, Ward strikes out on a seemingly-low ball. The fans are outraged — OUTRAGED! — that it wasn't a walk to load the bases and give them hope that maybe the seven-run lead was still manageable. ESPN's Gamecast takes a stand on Pitch No. 7:

12:44 — Fukudome mystically watches strike three go right by him, and with two outs, the strange rally is almost over. And how much stranger could it end but with Daryle Ward at the plate.

12:43 — The booing just grew some more. I think that out finally woke people up from a delightful ether nap.

12:42 — Pow, Soto hits a screamer over Angel Berroa's head, but not so high that Berroa can't jump and make the catch. And he does. That's why he won Rookie of the Year all those years ago. One out.

12:40 — I still hear booing. Stop that, Bill Murray! It's not ironically funny!

12:39 — Pie Jesu domine. Felix eamus catuli. Pie walks to first, continuing this bizarre inning of hope.

12:37 — Torre has had enough of Takashi Saito's mop-up work. Time for Jonathan Broxton's mop-up work. Felix Pie will pinch hit.

12:34 — A granule-sized portion of karma rights itself when DeRosa doubles after all over Kemp's coconut. Two runs are in, and the game score looks less sadistic.

12:33 — Chicago's last hope of a rally falls by the wayside as Chan Ho Park stops warming up in the bullpen.

12:32 — Ooh, DeRosa's ball down the left field line is called foul, but the replay shows a bit of white grass being disturbed. Clearly this will make a difference in the outcome of the game.

12:30 — It's not so much twisting the knife anymore, but it's more of a refusal to pull it back out. Aramis Ramirez singles to left and Lee prances to third, setting up a "yeah right" rally.

12:29 — Ah, yes, that'll do. False hope. Lee's hit rolls into the ivy, and Pierre and Kemp try to start the wave in left center. Or they just want to show everyone they don't want to try and get the ball, because thene Lee could advance to third, and THEN they'd be in big trouble!

Between Innings

I'm just imagining the ways this game can get worse for the Cubs. (It will get worse.) Will someone get injured? Will Lou Piniella get ejected? Maybe Dusty Baker will be named manager for Game 3. It's too early to predict.

Top 9th

12:24 — Now even Angel Berroa is getting base hits. The incessant "boo" has turned into what I think is Cubs fans stabbing each other with toothpicks and switchblades to ease the pain of watching the action on the field.

12:23 — Yet another case of wanton double digitry. The tenth run steps in as Blake's ball back up the middle gives Juan Pierre another run.

12:20 — Just when they were out of the inning, Theriot heaves a throw to first that instead bounces away from Derrek Lee and behind the tarp. As TBS points out, everyone in the infield has an error. Hey, why not play favorites?

12:17 — As Loney flies out to Fukudome, TBS points out Ron Santo calling the game on the radio, and how this game "must be killing him." Oh, and here I thought it was the diabetes. But it's playoff futility. How foolish of me!

Bottom 8th

9 1

12:13 — Oh by the way Theriot grounded out harmlessly.

12:11 — Ha! After the second out, TBS gives a kiss on the cheek to one of its sponsors — some liquor, I think — reminding everyone to "drink responsibly." Cubs fans couldn't get timelier advice, I think.

12:09 — Wade will continue to stay on the mound and run around in an inner-tube being scared of things around the farm ... oh wait, wrong Wade. Pinch-hitter Mike Fontenot grounds out for Carlos Marmol, which is silly, because Marmol could have done that himself.

Top 8th

12:06 — It probably warrants mentioning that "This Year's Joba," Carlos Marmol, is the guy who strikes out Andre Ethier after allowing those two runs. Poor guys. Look at them. You just want to reach into your pockets and see if you have a spare run to toss into their guitar case.

12:04 — Silly, Jim Edmonds, you're supposed to dive backwards, not forwards! Manny Ramirez's bloop single plates Furcal, and with a 9-1 lead the game has become that one scene from Schindler's List, only not as racist, but equally genocidal.

12:02 — Hey, so much for bringing trailing only by six anymore. Blake reaches base, gets to second somehow and scores on Furcal's not-a-bunt-single single.

Between Innings

Remember when you would watch Nick at Nite and there would be classic TV shows that never aired when you were alive? And now today it's shows like Nick At Nite and freakin Scrubs? That's how I feel right now with a TBS baseball studio with Dennis Eckersley, Cal Ripken and Curtis Granderson.

Bottom 7th

7 1

11:58 — Now you can't weari Kosuke Fukudome shirts in Chicago workplaces either, but for different reasons. The rally dies with a lonely run scored.

11:54 — Cory Wade warms up on the mound as Cubs fans sing "Livin' On A Prayer" in a fit of non-irony.

11:51 — Everyone, wake up [bangs conveniently-placed gong with cooking spoon]. Geovany Soto just hit a base hit and there's dudes on the corners with two outs. Joe Torre is pulling Billingsley. You can pay attention now. I knew I wasn't a dummy for buying this gong.

11:50 — Salvation! Hallelujah! It Could Still Happen If You Disregard Much Of Reality! Edmonds shoots a double into the top of the ivy and Matt Kemp gets lost in the greenness. There's your first run. But it still sounds like they're booing. Maybe Wrigley Field just has naturally pessimistic acoustics.

11:49 — I'm not sure what to make of this. Mark DeRosa laces a 2-out double.

Between innings

Fan sign in a TBS montage:

WRIGLEY FIELD:
THIS IS
BASEBALL
SHANGRI-LA

Really had to go to your B-level paradises to complete that acrostic, didn't you? Good thing playoff baseball isn't on ABC:

WRIGLEY FIELD
ALWAYS
BASEBALL'S
CHERNOBYL

Seventh Inning Stretch Entertainment

This was from last year's time period between the Cubs NL Central division and when they actually began playing baseball in the postseason. They got swept last year, remember, but clearly that won't happen this year!

Top 7th

11:41 — Aw, no more runs this inning.

11:41 — Aw, awesome! Another run! Football score joke!

11:38 — All right, a ground ball that could turn into a double play! We can finally get up and stre... aw, boooo, they didn't get it to first base in time.

11:36 — Well it's a good thing Cotts walked Mr. Ethier and not Zambrano. Now he tosses two more not-strikes to Loney before Larry Rothschild comes out to talk to him. Topic of discussion: there's so much air in those bags of potato chips. How come?

11:33 — Neal Cotts from the famed 2005 Chicago White Sox bullpen now gets to clean up a playoff game on the other side of Chicago.

11:31 — Seriously, this might be the most despondent sound I've ever heard from a sports audience. It's like they're slowly having their bone marrow drained by Sam Zell. Happiness emerges as Piniella yanks Zambrano from the mound after a walk, but for some reason you can still hear an "Oooooo" sound from half of the fans.

11:30 — Aw, I was kind of hoping Manny Ramirez approached the plate while riding an actual blue-colored bear.

11:28 — Ain't no way they're going to let Carlos Zambrano destroy the clubhouse so soon. He's still pitching.

11:27 — Another telling stat. The Cubs have been on base as many times as they've allowed an error.

Bottom 6th

6 0

11:25 — Happiness reaches an all time "wah" as Theriot slaps a ground ball to second for Chicago's second straight 1-2-3 inning and getting 11 outs from their last 11 batters.

11:23 — There's your boo-age. Soriano swings and connects with nothing but vapor trails. Vapor trails, in the game of baseball, are worth zero points.

11:21 — Zambrano bounces out to Torgo, and you can just feel the Cubs fans emanating a perpetual "boo" or "ooh" or "meh" from the bleachers.

Top 6th

11:18 — Ending the hardly-a-threat, Furcal turns the fastball into an out. He learned that one from Juan Pierre.

11:16 — Zambrano handles the bunt and throws to SECOND!? Really? They call him out, but Torgo looked the opposite of out, which is standing on second with his tongue sticking out, going "nyah nyah nyah!" But what do I know. The umpire was closer to the play than me.

11:14 — Hey, that'll help. Zambrano throw inside — so much, that Casey "Torgo" Blake gets himself a free base because it knicked him in the tummy.

11:13 — A chat with Lou Piniella. Synopsis: other than that second inning, Zambrano's thrown the ball very well. Also, they need runs. Wasn't aware of that last one.

11:11 — Barack Obama asks me what change means to me. To me, it means turning homeless people into COTTON CANDY! Whee!!

Bottom 5th

6 0

11:08 — Why are the Cubs fans yelling "Fuuuuuuuuuuuukudome" after he struck out? You'd think they'd yell something else, like ... oh.

11:07 — Edmonds' long fly ball gets caught by Manny Ramirez right behind the ivy. And being goofy, he leans back into the ivy for a second. Ha! BECAUSE NOBODY EVER DID THAT BEFORE, THOSE BRAINLESS ROBOT LOSERS!!

11:06 — Tom Verducci brings the well-placed Groundhog Day reference. Kudos, writer-slash-sideline reporter!

Top 5th

6 0

11:02 — Why, it's ... it's a Cubs-made double play! I mean, one they didn't hit into! That turned the fake-cheering into actual-cheering. All right, we're only down six!

11:00 — Time for a Cub-like visit to the mound. Topic of discussion: Why don't elevators have a way of un-pressing buttons for certain floors?

10:57 — Manny Ramirez pops a solo home run in the hopes of showing all those overstarched suit-wearing fogeys that it pays to think freely and be yourself. Maybe for Game 3 he'll sport the 80s sideways ponytail.

10:55 — Proving commercials can make anything happen, Ashton Kutcher figures out how to work a camera.

Bottom 4th

5 0

10:53 — Ah, there's the double-out ball. DeRosa saves the inning from not featuring the minimum three batters. Now they can go back out and play stellar defense!

10:51 — Aramis Ramirez's turn. He trinkles a ground ball to short, but the double play gets aborted when Lee's slide breaks it up. Unfortunately, something looks broken in Lee's body as he hobbles back to the dugout.

10:50 — Or not. Lee hits it to left field, where hustling is for "squares." Manny permits it to bounce in front of him for the single.

10:49 — Up come Lee, Ramirez, and DeRosa this inning, who — as TBS points out — are the three guys who have errors in the game. So, 1-2-3 inning then?

Top 4th

10:46 — The five-run deficit is successfully protected after Curly Z struck out Martin.

10:45 — Wow! That's a very long bunt! (Or maybe he actually swung.) Furcal singles to advance Billingsley to scoring position.

10:42 — Gick. Errormiss Ramirez. rears his bobbly head again, and Chad Billingsley will run the bases like nobody's business.

10:41 — They snuck in a probably-not-live interview with Joe Torre in the dugout. It's been said in so many metro sports newspaper columns before, but it needs to be said again: Torre seems so much more relaxed and in love with baseball again because Seinfeld never did a caricature of Dodgers owner Frank McCourt. He wants more runs because the lead isn't safe with the wind blowing out. Maybe the bench coach should show him the Cubs' record in October and he can rethink his strategy.

Bottom 3rd

5 0

10:36 — All the cheering in the world couldn't get Soriano or Theriot to drive in Zambrano. (Hell, that's a lot of "O" sounds. Too many to be squeezed into one part of America's Lineup.

10:32 — With one out, Carlos "Curly" Zambrano tries to milk a quality at bat, and Chad Billingsley can't see the strike zone. (He's got his eyes closed.) Zambrano eye-pokes his way to a walk.

Top 3rd

10:26 — Three straight strikes on Matt Kemp gets the crowd into it. THIS IS THEIR YEAR! Okay now to score at least one run to be down by no more than four.

10:25 — Loney hits the ball to kinda-deep center field. For some reason, Jim Edmonds didn't stand in place for five seconds, then start running and make a great diving catch.

10:24 — It's a routine ball that was actually caught, Charlie Brown. Andre Ethier pops up to Theriot.

Bottom 2nd

10:20 — Soto's the first rookie catcher to start the All-Star game in a while. Good for him! But he struck out to end the inning, so we're even.

10:18 — Making the Cubbies jealous, the left side of the Dodgers field converts two groundballs into outs.

Top 2nd

5 0

10:13 — Zambrano gets the final out by K'ing Mr. Ramirez, and I'm sure he's pleased with how that inning went.

10:09 — It's gonna happen. You guessed it, a three-run double for Russ Martin. These five-run second innings sure are popular to-nite. Let's take a look at a picture from Wrigley Field sent to us by a Deadspin reader:

10:07 — Furcal sure at his Hustle-A-Roni this morning (Juan Pierre had a full unopened can in his locker) and bunts his way to a single, beating DeRosa's throw by a half-step. One more run for LA.

10:06 — Chad Billingsley is no Brett Myers, and strikes out quickly.

10:05 — Likewise, the non-scrappy part of the infield defense comes through as Derrek Lee gets charged an error on a routine ball to himself. Carlos Zambrano seems to be in a delicate situation with the bases loaded:

10:04 — The scrappy infield defense comes through as Mark DeRosa bobbles and throws wide to Theriot. Score one for the Avoiders.

10:01 — Carlos Zambrano looks to be in the early stages of Curly Howard fixing the bathbut in "A Plumbing We Will Go." Matt Kemp gets a serious brushback, but strikes out. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

9:59 — James Loney, on the hit-and-run, hits the ball to where Theriot was running away from. To compensate, he tries to catch it with his bare hand, which gives him as much a chance to catch it than if Edger Renteria used his glove. The ball bounces into the outfield, Ethier moves to third, and there are bros on the corners for Matt Kemp.

9:58 — They suggest maybe stepping out of the box will disrupt Zambrano's rhythm, because little things set him off. Of course, Gwynn says that's why they're not stepping out. !?! Andre Ethier battles back from an 0-2 count to snack a base hit. NO-HITTER BROKEN UP!

Bottom 1st

0 0

9:54 — A clear statement was stated in the first. "We will hit harmless fly balls to center field to blow scoring opportunities." Aramis Ramirez has written in the ivy. No more first inning.

9:51 — "The Cubs can make a statement in the first inning." And that statement is: "Well, it's been 100 seasons, what's another year? Derrek Lee whiffs out.

9:48 — Ryan Theriot hustled his little keyster off to strike out. If only more of you out there were more like Ryan Theriot.

9:46 — Billingsley's pitch trickles through catcher Russell Martin's legs. Heh. I said "trickle." Soriano takes second.

9:45 — I've always liked how Alfonso Soriano's swing looks cartoonish and two-dimensional from the behind-the-pitcher camera angle. But it got him a single, so I'm not really in a place to criticize.

9:45 — A cunning strategy by Lou Piniella. He's having Shane Victorino bat second.

Top 1st

0 0

9:42 — "Zammy embodying Zammy" damn well better not catch on, but he does cause Ramirez to strike out the way a free spirit would. Inning done.

9:40 — "Manny was Manny." That was way close enough for the slam-dunk square that shares its name.

9:39 — And we're off. Zambrano gets ahead of Rafael Furcal (in life and in the count) then takes him out by fielding a Don Knotts-weak grounder.

Still More Pregame

9:32 — God. If I wanted someone to narrate my life story, it would totally be Tony Gwynn.

Pre-Game Babble

This looks like Chicago's chance to even the series, because Carlos Zambrano threw a no-hitter this year and Chad Billingsley's only as well known as his Wikipedia page. But if LA can steal this game as well? Hoh. Lee. Christ. (By the way, ESPN's scientific process of using stats, video games, and dreidels are calling for a Dodgers-Phillies NLCS. So why fight it?)

People have asked me why I don't live blog the vice-presidential debate instead. Well, I just watched one blowout. I don't feel like covering another.

Back to the board games. How's our quest for bingo? Well, not great after one broadcast. Perhaps the midnight air seeps into the broadcasters' brains and spills a few great gems. One can only hope:

* * *

Top 9th

2 5

9:08 — A slight tease as Counsell worked a full count, but a lazy fly ball to center puts the series at two-naught. Enough of this silly game. Look for Live Blog 2 of 2 in about 20 minutes.

9:06 — Oh, this is absolutely going according to plan. Hart swings on the second pitch and flies out, putting Milwaukee's final hopes in the bendy arms of Craig Counsell.

9:05 — Hardy finishes his at-bat quickly.

9:05 — You know, if you pretend Joe Simpsons didn't say "Corey Hart on deck," and instead "Corey Hard-On deck," it's kind of funny! Oh, who am I kidding. Just finish the inning quickly.

Bottom 8th

2 5

9:02 — We're three outs away from freedom here, people.

8:58 — It appears I owe Jason Kendall somewhat of an apology. He's actually a good catcher now. Last year over 100 guys stole bases under his watch, but this year he's kept them much more honest, throwing out over 40 percent of the dudes. Jimmy Rollins is one of the 40 percenters.

8:54 — For formality's sake, we're going to finish the next two half-innings. Salomon Torres comes in to pitch.

Top 8th

2 5

8:50 — And you thought this was going to be interesting. Fielder yanks the first pitch from Romero and the splintered bat travels just as far as the ground ball which Utley — forgetting Fielder as the runner — quickly scoops with the glove and shovels to first to end the inning. I'm ready for Cubs-Dodgers when you are, folks.

8:47 — Braun knocks one into left, and there's a dude on second base with two outs. Brian Anderson calls the Brewers "resilient," which might be a bit of a reach. JC Romero will replace Madson to pitch to the Herbivore Formerly Known As Prince.

8:45 — Raymond Q. Durham grounds back to Madson, but the double play wasn't close to being close, because Durham, after 53 years of MLB service, hasn't lost too much speed down the first base line.

8:44 — Cameron v6.0 pops up in foul territory, caught by two colliding Phillies fielders, who now share one jersey.

8:43 — Rickie Weeks makes it to first after Jimmy Rollins treats the ground ball like Flubber™.

8:40 — Ryan Madson is now the pitcher, and he's called the "Bridge to Lidge." I thought we stopped wasting taxpayers' dollars on bridges that go nowhere interesting.

Bottom 7th

2 5

8:38 — Actually Gagné gets all three batters out. No wild pitches, no walks, and no HGH. Which means only one thing. Yovani Gallardo bought an Eric Gagné mask early for Halloween.

8:37 — Brett Myers is no more. He'll hand Wonderboy off to pinch hitter and noted immigration opponent Greg Dobbs.

8:34 — Hot damn. J.J. Hardy made a great play, almost implying that the Brewers haven't quit in this game. Almost.

8:32 — Eric Gagné's "I'm Not On Steroids" Farewell Tour continues with an appearance in this inning.

Seventh Inning Stretch Halftime Entertainment

Leave it to the Germans to not watch Ren & Stimpy.

Top 7th

2 5

8:27 — Jason Kendall's not much about starting a second scoring rally in an inning, so he'll just poke the ball somewhere in the infield and take his out accordingly. But, wow! A manufactured run! Wasn't that breathtaking?

8:27 — My ... my God! Milwaukee didn't screw that up at all! Counsell's ground ball turns the game into a three-run deficit.

8:25 — Hart's fly ball to right just barely gets Hardy to move up to third. Now how do they blow it? I'm going with a squeeze play that ends in a pop-up.

8:23 — Who taught them that? J.J. Hardy begins the inning with a double. I'm pondering the possibilities how Milwaukee could ruin this inning. I'm thinking hit-and-run lineout double play.

Bottom 6th

1 5

8:19 — Lo and behold, the Phillies pile in a few runners but don't score any more runs. I see no reason why we don't do this for three more innings. Hell, why mess with riveting baseball? (Translation: SOMEBODY FUCKING SCORE.)

8:17 — Six innings in and we finally got our first square of the night. And it's Grant Balfour's yelling at the batter after striking out Orlando Cabrera, which just might be my favorite moment of the playoffs so far. (Thanks for putting the best games during the day, MLB!)

8:12 — Shane Victorino honks a double to deep center. Careful, Phillies. You don't want to give the Brewers any ideas of what they might need to do to get back into this game. It's best to just go down quietly. Regardless, there's a dude on second and another one (Ryan Howard) on first who got the on-purpose walk.

Top 6th

8:07 — Seven pitches, and Myers has already gone back into the dugout to cook some meatloaf for displaced Hurricane Ike victims.

8:05 — Five-plus innings in, and Brett Myers has as many hits as the Brewers.

8:03 — This is most likely a Michigan-only occurrence, but I just saw an Obama ad followed by a McCain ad. Back to back. Ugh. You know what? Whichever political ad I view closest to Election Day, I will vote for them.

Bottom 5th

1 5

8:02 — Prince Fielder makes a nice little catch on a hard line drive. "That could make a huge difference." Yes, because it seems like Milwaukee's about to break out and score four runs at any minute, right?

7:59 — At this point, Brett Myers could trip over a homeless man and cure him of leprosy. After a couple of walks, Myers singles to load the bases.

7:53 — Seth McClung's now pitching. Boy, I'm glad he's got the hell out of Tampa Bay in order to have a chance to complete for a pennant!

Top 5th

7:51 — In conclusion, absolutely nothing else of note happened this inning.

7:47 — Get this ... apparently Tony Gwynn, Jr. sounds just like Tony Gwynn, Sr. Could they be related somehow?

Bottom 4th

1 5

7:41 — Stetter saves the day by — guess! — striking out Ryan Howard. Whee, they're only down four!

7:37 — One more walk ... and it's as if Sabathia just couldn't pitch on three days rest 86 jillion times in a row anymore. He can't escape the fourth inning, and Dale Sveum — who, to CC, looks like Brett Myers in a Brewers warmup jacket — takes the ball from him and sends in relief man Mitch Stetter.

7:33 — Shane Victorino won't get a grand slam this inning. Nuh-uh! Well, not only because the bases weren't full, but also because he just intentionally walks him.

7:31 — Everywhere CC looks, he sees Brett Myers. Brett Myers on first. Brett Myers on second. Brett Myers in his own dugout, sending signs. Brett Myers having sex with his wife, who also looks like Brett Myers.

7:30 — Rollins doubles down the left field line. The reason? You guessed it: Brett Myers.

7:27 — Myers flies out to right, but he still got a huge applause from the audience. This might rank second in history among Inexplicable Praise From Fans only to Dane Cook.

7:26 — There's just magic in the stratosphere when Myers is at the plate. He fouls off another pitch and a kid in the first row catches it with his hat.

7:25 — Remember Brett Myers's walk? Well, you won't be able not to when we mention it every other inning!

7:24 — Sabathia belly flops toward Ruiz's ground ball, then throws toward first and it somehow finds Prince Fielder's glove. One out.

7:23 — Is it sad that a fictitious office manager in a commercial knows how to send picture messages with a cell phone, which is more than I can say?

Top 4th

1 5

7:20 — Meanwhile, the Brewers got two outs quickly, then Corey Hart gets baseballed in the back of his back. Someone from the booth just said, "you gotta get three outs," which was nice, because I thought two outs and one man hit also counted. Counsell bends his arms forward 360 degrees and rolls over a pitch to create the third out.

7:18 — Phillies hitting coach Milt Thompson describing that second inning. It appears he's never actually spoken to anyone in the media before. "It was the greatest at bats of the year ... and JRoll walked ... and Victorino got that hit ..." If they wanted stuttering and hesitation to describe that inning, I was available to give a recounting of what happened.

7:17 — Ah, another Frank TV ad, this time lampooning the fact that they run so many Frank TV ads. In that case, now I like them!

7:15 — Frank Caliendo's impression of Donald Trump might be more spot-on if it was audio only.

Bottom 3rd

7:15 — No runs here. Pedro Feliz strikes out and Sabathia escapes the first trimester of the game with just over 70 pitches thrown.

7:14 — Feliz is living the American Dream. No, not playing postseason baseball. Hitting foul balls in the direction of the Phanatic, in hopes of injuring it.

7:11 — Now that CC has been getting batters out this inning, the analysts finally have case studies on why he's such a dominant pitcher. Until Jayson Werth hits ANOTHER double in almost the same spot on the field. If Feliz his another double down the left field line, Ruiz walks, and Brett Myers fouls off four more pitches, we might check to see of Sabathia's clock radio keeps playing "I Got You Babe."

Top 3rd

7:04 — Ryan Braun hits one much closer to home than his first at bat. Carlos Ruiz chases it down and it looks like Milwaukee might not have any fight left in them. And it's only the third inning! This seems promising.

7:03 — Brian Anderson on Brett Myers: "When he gives it up, he gives it up early." Yet another thing Brett Myers has in common with my ex-girlfriend.

7:02 — Ray Durham totally missed that.

7:00 — Cameron Carbon Copy #4063 pops straight up to second.

Stat That Looks Really Awesome And Telling If You Read More Into It Than What Is Actually There

EARNED RUNS GIVEN UP BY CC SABATHIA

Month of August: 6
Tonight: 5

Bottom 2nd

1 5

6:55 — Chase Utley can't follow that act, because there is no five-run home run. So instead he swings and misses, ending the inning.

6:53 — Shane Victorino makes Hawai'i proud (local time: 3:54 a.m. or something ridiculous) with a 2-out 2-strike grand slam, which is Sabathia's least favorite kind of Grand Slam. Let this be a lesson to you, young pitchers: never, ever, walk the opposing pitcher.

6:51 — Four straight balls zip by Jimmy Rollins. This is all punishment for Sabathia not straightening his goddamn hat in his entire career.

6:49 — Damn. Myers draws a nine-pitch walk. CC's up to 40 pitches through not-even-two innings.

6:47 — I've never seen a group of fans more pleased at Brett Myers fouling off Sabathia's pitches.

6:45 — Brett Myers is 4-of-58 for the season, "but one of his hits got him his only RBI," says announcer Brian Anderson, spoken as if it's unusual that base hits provide run production.

6:43 — The first one of you who says "You Gotta Feliz!" gets a fistful of smoke and groan. Pedro Feliz's double ties the game.

6:41 — Jayson Werth — neither of his names seem like they're spelled right — knocks a double to left-center. The ball never got behind Mike Cameron, so it was certainly a Bases Loaded-type extra base hit.

6:38 — David Aldridge reports on the shortage-of-African-American-players crisis in Major League Baseball, and how it's getting better. With a contrasting report, Jimmy Snyder reports that the situation is actually getting worse.

Top 2nd

6:34 — Rumor has it Craig Counsell got the inspiration for his batting stance from Rubberboy. But sadly he strikes out, and Kendall plus Sabathia go down quietly.

Bottom 1st

1 0

6:28 — Want to guess what Ryan Howard did? I'll give you hint. It was my trademark stat in Little League. End of inning.

6:26 — All Chase Utley really had to do was ground the ball, but he was having none of it. He instead ops to miss Sabathia's pitch entirely. Two out. Now it's time for Ryan Howard's at bat, and Milwaukee puts 12 fielders on the right hand side of the field.

6:24 — Victorino steals third. Naturally, Jason Kendall barely notices.

6:23 — Shane Victorino hits third base so hard with a line drive it left a mark. (His starting pitcher would be proud.) The ball trickles into foul territory, and Victorino gets himself two bases. In Rock 'n Jock baseball, that would probably be worth five runs.

6:21 — Proving baseball heavily involves luck, Jason Kendall is catching a postseason game.

6:21 — Too easy. CC Sabathia has "great mound presence."

Top 1st

1 0

6:17 — Escaping any more damage, Myers convinces Corey Hart to ground into a double play.

6:16 — J.J. Hardy walks in a run. It might be kind of enhance the action if they make the player walk to first, push the batter on first to second, and so on.

6:15 — Screen graphic: Brett Myers has allowed 31 runs in first innings. That'll teach him to steal Jeremy Bonderman's underwear.

6:13 — Ray Durham walks, then Ryan Braun plusses Myers fastball for a double off the left field wall. That'll cause Myers to intentionally-plus-walk Prince Fielder to load the bases.

6:09 — I'm half convinced there are actually five Mike Cameron cyborgs in the game today. One such is leading off for the Brewers. He strikes out.

More Pregame

6:07 — John Smoltz says Brett Myers has a "plus fastball." I've never heard of someone who had a minus fastball.

6:05 — Some cell phone commercial has her dad forbidding her daughter to call "Derek with a mustache" in the new cell phone plan. If that certain guy is Derrike Cope, then I don't blame him. That's just creepy.

Pre-Game Babble

Ah, the baseball postseason. This was, if some of you recall, the time last year which began my live blogs on this here site. So let's celebrate this anniversary by risking suicide and live blogging back-to-back games.

Anyways, let's talk about the Phillies-Brewers game specifically. Did you hear about Tampa Bay's win? Did you know Tampa Bay's in the playoffs? How about Tampa Bay! Tampa Tampa Tampa. It will be interesting to see if either Philly or Milwaukee plays Tampa Bay in the World Series.

Speaking of what Floridians love all of a sudden, here's 25 squares with different phrases on them.

Note: This card will also carry over for the Cubs-Dodgers series. Marks on the cards will rollover to the late night game. Y'know, most families would kill for milky bingo cards.

And, oh, yes...it's time to officially start worrying about Brad Lidge. Brad Lidge is "tired"?

Good news for Milwaukee fans, though — C.C. Sabathia is not:

“Everybody who knows me and that’s close to me knows how competitive I am,” Sabathia said. “If I’m healthy enough . . . to pitch, they’re not going to tell me not to because I’m not going to listen to it. We’re going to end up getting into an argument.”

And in other cooch-related news, there's this amusing anecdote featuring a drunken Phillies cretin heckling some Brewers fans in the stands:

About three rows in front of them a Phillies fan was feeling no pain. He turned and gave the couple a piece of his mind. The Brewers fans ignored him

My friend describes what happened next:

"The subjects had an unknown projectile thrown in their direction."

My friend is a lawyer. Forgive him.

"I think it was a peanut. The guy in the Braun shirt didn't do anything. He was just being stoic. Kinda taking the lumps you might get if you go into enemy territory."

In the ninth, the game tightens up. So does the obnoxious Phillies fan, described as an ordinary-looking guy in his 30s. A clean, well-lighted cretin.

"Fielder is up, and we're all sitting there worried that he's gonna knock one out of the park, and that's when the Phillies fan starts acting up. You know when you toss a beer at someone, but hold onto the bottle so you just flick your wrist? He did that. He doused the guy with his beer. A full frontal, he gave. And the Brewers fan still didn't do anything.

But the section of Phillies fans that surrounded the couple did.

"A good half a dozen Phillies fans converged on this guy and just friggin gave it to him. He got no support for his antics. The whole section was pointing at him and berating him. They got him tossed out immediately."

Afterward, my friend reports, a lot of people approached the couple to apologize.

If the Phillies lost, that apology probably wouldn't be as forthcoming. And that cup of beer most likely would have been some sort of animal urine that they smuggled in.

Two more to go...

Jumping back into the fire [JS Online]
Good news: Lidge is now tired [Philly.com]
The Polite Phillies Fans [Blinq]

If Chicago goes on to lose this series, their Holy Dugout moment may be the only thing that fans remember.

The Cubs brought a heavy hitter to Wrigley Field on Wednesday afternoon, asking the Rev. James L. Greanias, a Greek Orthodox priest from St. Iakovos Church in Valparaiso, Ind., to spread holy water around the dugout to remove an alleged curse that has hovered over the ballclub since its last World Series appearance in 1945.

Actually make that 1908, since the Cubs lost that World Series. But who's counting? Certainly not Ryan Dempster, who didn't seem to be blessed with much control on Wednesday. Dempster, who appears to have been seated in the one spot in the Cubs dugout that Rev. Greanias missed with his aspergillum, tied a career high by walking seven over 4 2/3 innings, including three in the fifth. James Loney and Manny Ramirez, meanwhile, each put the biscuit in the basket to remove Chicago's home-field advantage.

Nothing the Cubs tried worked very well on this day. One Wrigley fan even tried to take out Manny with a baseball, to no avail.

A 31-year-old man was arrested Wednesday night at Wrigley Field for allegedly throwing a baseball at Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez during last night's Cubs playoff game. Paul Solans, whose address is listed in the 2200 block of North Lincoln Avenue, was charged with misdemeanor reckless conduct for throwing the ball at Ramirez while the All-Star left fielder was playing his position, police said early Thursday. Ramirez, who hit a home run during the Dodgers 7-2 victory in Game 1, was not hit by the ball. Police said Solans was attending the game but could not say where he was sitting.

By the way, the Cubs have tried this holy water cure before. Didn't work then either.

Holy Water! Cubs Manager Tries Sprinkling Cure [NBCSports]
Fan Charged With Throwing Ball At Manny Ramirez [Chicago Tribune]
Dempster's Wild Night Costs Cubs [Chicago Tribune]

The only thing that was pretty about it was Cole Hamels who did everything he was supposed to do as the reluctant ace of the staff. Other than that — thank you Mike Cameron. I guess his glove is also no longer using performance enhancers. Tomorrow it gets ugly as the suddenly jittery Brett Myers faces off against C. C. and his chubby bionic arm. There is a surprising amount of confidence in Philadelphia, even though the Phils, for the most part, played like dogshit today. The bats were limp and Brad Lidge suddenly looks as vulnerable as Leitch said he would.

But a win is a win is a win, and if this is what it takes to get out of the sissy round, then it's fine by me.

Dodgers/Cubs are starting and now I have to go evacuate the Schmitter before another unfortunate incident ruins a second pair of perfectly good Gap underwear.

Enjoy the rest of your evening and I'll be back bleary-eyed and bushy-faced tomorrow morning.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin.

This year...could be different. This is still Philadelphia. But God knows that if this team squeezes out a win today,the greasy swine of the 215 will rejoice like they just won the World Series.

I promise I'll try to contain myself. For your sake.

Enjoy the rest of the day.

Phillies vs. Brewers: Key Match-Ups [Philly.com]

Series Schedule
Game 1: Wednesday, October 1, 6:30 p.m. Los Angeles (Lowe) at Chicago (Dempster).
Game 2: Thursday, October 2, 9:30 p.m. Los Angeles (Billingsley) at Chicago (Zambrano).
Game 3: Saturday, October 4, 10 p.m. Chicago (Harden) at Los Angeles (Kuroda).
Game 4 (if necessary): Sunday, October 5, TBA. Chicago at Los Angeles.
Game 5 (if necessary): Tuesday, October 7, TBA. Los Angeles at Chicago.

SEVEN THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT THE CUBS-DODGERS SERIES

1. You'll See A Lot More Jim Edmonds than Reed Johnson. The strength of the Dodgers rotation is their righthanded pitching, and the Cubs, as luck would have it, are packed with righthanded hitters. The Wrigley folk don't really have a lefthanded guy (other than Edmonds, who is likely to hit one home run this series and go 1-for-12) to break up Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, Alfonso Soriano, so on. None of the Dodgers starters are shutdown guys, but if Carlos Zambrano blows up in Game 2, as many fear, they're certainly more stable.

2. Oh, Yes, Carlos. Carlos Zambrano has had an active couple of weeks, and his no-hitter was the least of it. Actually, it might have been the problem: Lou Piniella (understandably) left Zambrano in to finish the no-hitter, but he went far past his pitch count. That — and the death of his grandmother, which necessitated an emergency trip back to Venezuela — might have had something to do with his last two starts, in which he has been shelled. Zambrano is either going to shut out the Dodgers or give up six runs in the first three innings. A team as talented as the Cubs could probably do without such wild fluctuation.

3. Sigh. OK, Fine, Manny. I've never understood why MLB still splits players' stats when they switch leagues midseason. Now that interleague play is here, no one differentiates between the AL and the NL anymore; I assume Brett Favre's stats from Sunday still count even though they came against an NFC team. (Actually, they came against the Buzzsaw, which might require a statistical adjustment.) Anyway, because Manny's stats are split, you can't quite tell how amazing he's been this year: 37 homers, 121 RBIs, .332 average. And with the splits, in Los Angeles in 53 games, he hit nearly .400 and slugged .743, which, if extended to a whole season, would be the 14th best mark of all time. (Fittingly, Barry Bonds and Babe Ruth each had FOUR seasons that were better.) That is to say: He's hotter right now than he has ever been. It might not have been the smartest career move, and it sure makes him look like a dick, but Manny is a terror right now.

4. Do They Really Want Those Guys Back? Obviously, Manny's explosion is the main reason the Dodgers took off in the second half, but another factor was the injury to Jeff Kent, which forced Joe Torre to finally take him out of the lineup. This allowed the Dodgers' young hitters (Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, so on) to benefit from Manny's presence, rather than the decrepit Kent canceling him out. Well, Kent's trying to come back now, as is Rafael Furcal, who said he used the last series of the season against the Giants as "Spring Training." As happy as everyone is to see such a friendly, amiable chap like Jeff Kent get one last postseason run — really! — it kind of feels like the old guys trying to shoehorn in on the phone. The Dodgers have been doing fine. Leave them be, you yokel.

(With thanks to my old pal CSTB.)

5. The Cubs Have Their Bullpen All Out Of Order. While watching the Cubs clinch the division over my beloved Cardinals at Wrigley Field a couple of weeks ago, I had one pleasing moment: When Piniella pulled Carlos Marmol (who was destroying us; it was clear every Cardinal gave up after the first pitch) for Kerry Wood in the ninth inning. Wood did the job, but Marmol is a decidedly scarier guy to face; Wood can be shaky, to say the least. So don't despair, Dodgers fans, if you're down by one going into the ninth after being blown away by Marmol.

6. Don't Bother Going Into Work Friday, Cubs Fans. Not to harp on the lateness of these games, but Game 2, thanks to TBS, is starting at 9:30 p.m. ET, and that's assuming the Brewers-Phillies game beforehand is on time. Now, I don't mean to imply that Cubs fans might be a little rowdy after drinking all day and night before an absurdly late local start time, but, well ...

7. The Fear. Cubs fans have done an admirable job of putting a brave facade of confidence this season. My friend MIke, who loves the Cubs the way I love the Cardinals, goes so far as to say that this team has no historical connection to the Cubs' past whatsoever, that he doesn't even worry about "history" and "curses" and "the fact that we're talking about the Cubs here." But you wait: The minute something goes wrong in these playoffs — and something will, no matter what happens — the fans are going to revert immediately back to The Panic. It's inevitable, and the players will feel it too. If they can recover from that moment, when all looks lost, when the Cubs remember they're the Cubs, they can pull this off. But I remain less than convinced.

PREDICTION
Zambrano gets smoked in Game 2, but the Cubs sneak one out in LA. Game 5 comes down to Kerry Wood against Manny in the top of the ninth. Hmm. Well, for now: Cubs in five.

Series Schedule
Game 1: Wednesday, October 1, 3 p.m. Milwaukee (???) at Philadelphia (Hamels).
Game 2: Thursday, October 2, 6 p.m. Milwaukee (???) at Philadelphia (???).
Game 3: Saturday, October 4, 6:30 p.m. Philadelphia (???) at Milwaukee (???).
Game 4 (if necessary): Sunday, October 5, Time TBD. Philadelphia at Milwaukee.
Game 5 (if necessary): Tuesday, October 7, Time, TBD. Milwaukee at Philadelphia.

SEVEN THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT THE PHILLIES-BREWERS SERIES

1. Seriously, That Really Is Dale Sveum Managing The Brewers. Of all the potential Steve Fisher/Phil Garner interim-to-pennant-winner candidates, Sveum has to be considered the least likely. Ask any Red Sox fan about Sveum's epic incompetence at waving runners home from third base; you had to wonder if he was just flipping a coin, Two Face style, and randomly flapping his arms accordingly. And now he's 11 wins away from a World Series title. If that happens, Bob Brenly will be displaced as Worst Manager To Win A World Series, and, once again, we'll have more proof that managers don't really do a thing.

2. This Is It For The Brewers. Sure, Ryan Braun's gonna be around for a while, and Corey Hart and his ilk are serviceable. But, much like the Astros (though not as stupidly), Milwaukee placed all its bets on this season. Sabathia's gone after the year — and, with Matt LaPorta already knocking the ball around in Cleveland, at no small price — and it's unlikely they'll be able to sign Ben Sheets either. And you get the sense Prince Fielder's "old player skills" are going to offer diminishing returns as well. They're going to look extremely different next year than they do now. If they go out early, you have to wonder if it was worth it.

3. Brett Myers Is Unstable As A Pitcher As Well. When Brett Myers hasn't been busy punching his wife in the face, he has been having one of the more bipolar years in recent memory. His struggles early in the season were so profound that he was sent to the minor leagues. When he returned, he was dominant, going 7–2 with a 1.80 ERA heading into September. Then, this month, he's been awful again. It's almost as if the guy has wild mood swings or something. Just a theory. The Phillies are an extremely likable team, but you can be forgiven if you pull against them in Game 2.

4. Listen To Beltran. Just for fun, let's hark back to Carlos Beltran's words in the preseason: "Without Santana, we felt, as a team, that we had a chance to win in our division. With him now, I have no doubt that we're going to win in our division. I have no doubt in that. We've got what it takes. To Jimmy Rollins: We are the team to beat." One might forgive a Phillies fan for taking a little joy — again — in watching the Mets' implosion. But they're not ones to gloat.

(Photo via New York Daily News)

5. Never Forget. Yes, yes, Brad Lidge has been amazing this year. He hasn't blown a save all season, and he generally looks like unhittable, like he did in the glory days of Houston. But let us not forget what happened to Lidge the last time he was in the postseason. Of course, everybody remembers this:

But let's not also look past what happened in that World Series: Lidge lost two games, including the decisive Game 4, in which he gave up the lone run in a 1-0 loss. That postseason devastated him for two seasons, and he's just now back to form. But the postseason punishes the fragile. How much will he sweat when facing Ryan Braun with a one-run lead and a runner on in the bottom of the ninth? Could he handle that again?

6. The Brewers Aren't Particularly Likable. You have to be happy for Brewers fans, who have waited 26 years for a return to the postseason. But you don't necessarily have to like this team, which, in the opinion of this Cardinals fan, have taunted, showboated and chest-pounded to a rather excessive amount for a team that, until yesterday, had never won a damned thing. (Whatever my thoughts on the Cubs franchise, their players act like they've been there before.) I know, I know: Complaining about baseball etiquette is the last refuge of the elderly, jilted, crotchety fan. I'm pretty certain that I'm only acting out of emotion and am 100 percent wrong. But still: I'm not the only person who feels this way.

7. If The Brewers Can Win Early, Look Out. The Brewers' rotation is a shambles right now, other than Sabathia of course, but sometimes, Sabathia is enough. He'll never be this good again, but this moment, Sabathia's pretty much a superman. If the Brewers can get away with throwing him just once this series and still win, he could start Game 1 of the NLCS. If Sveum was willing to throw him on three days rest in Game 4 — which of course he will be — he'd get three starts in the series. That would scare anybody ... especially the Cubs.

PREDICTION
The Brewers have done everything they can to blow this season, and, somehow, they still couldn't find a way to do it. Why should the NLDS be any different? Brewers in 5.

Perhaps the most joyful of playoff entrants this year are the Milwaukee Brewers, who just a couple weeks ago were in the midst of an epic free-fall out of wild card contention. Ned Yost was shown the door, Dale Sveum moved over to the manager's stoop (and didn't wave anyone home from the dugout), their bats woke up, and C.C. Sabathia continued his difference-making pitching performances that appear well worth the price of Matt LaPorta's future excellence.

Sabathia pitched another ridiculous outing on short rest shutting down the Cubs 3-1 in front of a sold out, raucous Miller Park crowd.

At Brewers' blog "Brew Crew Ball", the ecstasy of a playoff berth was summed up this way: "Pee your pants! We made the playoffs!"

Congratulations, Milwaukee. You have two days to sober up.

Keg Party! Sabathia finishes what he starts [JS Online]