It's 4:38 a.m. on Sunday and Weis greets Walters for the interview that'd been promised. From the tone of the piece, you get the sense that Walters was surprised at how forthcoming he was about his Notre Dame coaching career. (Weis, apparently, also curses like Artie Lange.) He expected the criticism and the fat jokes, but he didn't expect how much of a toll this would take on his family:

"The damage to Maura and Charlie Jr. is irreparable, It's watching me get hammered. I'll never forgive the people who character-assassinated me without even knowing me. Those people did irreparable damage to my wife and son, and I'll never forgive them."

Speaking of Charlie Jr., he's a 15-year-old coaching prodigy. One thing Weis knows for sure, though, is that his son will never be part of the Fightin' Irish family: "I know where he won't be going to college."

Charlie Weis Opens Up About His Notre Dame Experience [AOL Fanhouse]

Well, kids, that wraps up another wacky Saturday in college football and me pulling Weekend Daddy duties. Hope everyone had a good time. I sure did.

Barry Petchesky will take care of you tomorrow.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Be good.

For those about to rock we salute you, the dirty thoughts for dirty minds we contribute to...

(Thanks, Jessica and Benjamin for the pic)

Pete Thamel of the New York Times got the scoop.

Jack Swarbrick, Notre Dame's athletic director, said the Yankees were open to having college football at the new Stadium, and he would like the Fighting Irish to be the first team to play there. Swarbrick stressed that no dates had been discussed.

"We've been in contact with Yankee Stadium and asked and inquired," Swarbrick said. "We will be discussing games with them, but we haven't entered into any substantive discussions."

The guy goes on to yammer incontinently about the "great historical significance" of a mediocre college football program playing tackle football in a brand new, boondoggling slot machine of a ballpark — excuse me, stadium. I'll grant him that such an event would be "historically significant," but only to the extent that it would very likely create a vast sucking vortex of televised insufferability such as the world has never known. At least, not since the last time Michael Kay called a baseball game.

Notre Dame Begins Talks to Play Football at Yankee Stadium [New York Times]

For example, I almost turned "sucks" into "stinks" for that last sentence, because ... well, I don't trust you guys. You don't know how many times a day I have to edit what I'm saying because I'm afraid you animals will probably turn it into something sick and twisted and make jokes about it. I mean, there's an excellent chance that the announcers for the Hawaii Bowl—which Notre Dame mistakenly won—have never heard the term "golden shower." This video literally depicts a shower of gold! A man's head was nearly crushed! Yet all you chuckleheads can do is giggle because the guy made an indirect reference to urine. Ho ho.

Enough, I say! It's time for upright citizens to erect a barricade against this penetration of filth that wants to insert itself into our lives. If you all get behind me, we can mount an offensive against those who would just self-abuse the language like that. An announcer should be able toss off any words they like without getting a tongue-lashing for it. A husband should be able to buy his loving wife a pearl necklace without getting teased by his best mates. And what about all those fellows out there named Sanchez or Carl or Rod or the world's many fine trombonists? Don't they deserve a life filled to the rim with dignity and good vibrations? With a little extra push, I think we can grease the wheels on this movement and finally clean up this awful mess.

Now, if you'll excuse me it's time for my lunch and I've just ordered the tossed salad.

Video: Golden Shower - Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Hawaii Warriors - Hawaii Bowl [Sports Rubbish]

It should be noted that Weis now has a lower career winning percentage then both Tyrone Willingham and Bob Davie.

Reports say Weis staying at Notre Dame [Chicago Tribune]

"He has built zero relationships at the school," one source said. "It has been all about him and his ego."

Oh. Right. That whole thing. They're just realizing this now? Do these ND deep throats also know that Charlie Weis has a weight problem? Either way, it appears more and more that ND's game against USC could very well be a battle for Charlie Weis' job. That means Jimmy Clausen could very well take a knee after every snap.

Sources: Weis' Notre Dame buyout is smaller than believed [Chicago Tribune]

Cincinnati (-4) at Louisville- The Bearcats win the Big East if they can win on the road tonight at Louisville and then next week at home against Pitt. Yeah, Cincinnati might be in a BCS bowl. Prior to this the best bowl Cincinnati has ever been in is the PapaJohns Bowl. What's more they've only been to 10 bowl games in their history. Should be interesting to see how the team responds.

Miss. State at Alabama (-22)- Chances are you had no idea that Miss. State has beaten Alabama two consecutive years. And that in those two years Alabama hasn't scored an offensive touchdown. But they have. So that means Alabama probably isn't overlooking this opponent one week after they clinched the SEC West. Except, you know, this game is slotted between LSU and Auburn. Of course State also hasn't won a road game yet this season but, even still, this spread seems a bit high. Right? Especially since Alabama hasn't beaten any SEC team by more than 20 since the middle of September. But that's not stopping the Houndstooth twins, Maegen and Ashley Bailey, from remaining steadfast in their support.

Texas (-14) at Kansas- The year after their magical season the human blimp that is Mangino has returned to earth. At just 6-4, Kansas has lost every big game they've played this year, including 3 of their last 4 overall. Now Kansas has Texas and Missouri left on the schedule. Could Texas be ripe for the upset in Lawrence? If Kansas is going to have any kind of season worth remembering they have to win one of these final two. Otherwise they'll slink into a bowl at 6-6 and fans will have to convince themselves that 2007 actually happened. Don't worry, it did. We have the picture to prove it.

Meanwhile, Texas can't just win. They've got to slaughter Kansas and then sit back next weekend and root for Oklahoma to beat Texas Tech by 1. So it all comes down to the BCS standings to see who represents the Big 12 South in a three-way tie.

South Carolina at Florida (-23)- Steve Spurrier's headed back to the Swamp for the second time. In 2006, it took a blocked field goal on the final play of the game to preserve Florida's chance to play for a national championship. Now the Gators look unstoppable. But doesn't that line seem a bit high considering South Carolina has the best defense in the SEC? I think so. But then, Florida's offense has looked truly unstoppable for the past month. What would the over/under be in a hypothetical Florida/Big 12 Champion be? 85? Maybe.

Notre Dame (-4) at Navy- Remember way back when Notre Dame signed Charlie Weis to a 58 year contract extension and a few people questioned whether that was smart? And then Notre Dame fans got all upset and ripped anyone who didn't want to buy the lard from Charlie's gastric bypass surgery on eBay? Yeah, good job picking your battles. Weis's coaching record is worse than Bob Davie's. Navy has a winning record and is coming off a win at Notre Dame last year. Could Notre Dame really lose to Navy twice in a row?

Utah (-30) at San Diego State- As soon as they win this game Utah will be 11-0 and only have a home game remaining against BYU to complete a perfect regular season. Admit it, you don't care because they aren't in a Big 6 conference. God, you suck. Almost as much as San Diego State sucks. But not quite.

Ohio State (-9.5) at Illinois- One year after Ron Zook took Illinois to the Rose Bowl, he's got to beat Ohio State or Northwestern to be bowl eligible. Since September 13 Illinois has alternated wins with losses. Last week they lost. Can they take down Ohio State for the second year in a row?

Cal at Oregon State (-3)- The conspiracy to refuse to acknowledge that Oregon State remains on track to win the Pac-10 continues for yet another week. Oregon State has three games left and is standing at 5-1. Win out and they win the Pac 10 for the first time since 1965. Yet no one is paying attention to this. Except Beaver fans. Which should be everyone but Vince Young.

Georgia (-10) at Auburn- Tommy Tuberville has to beat either Georgia or Alabama to be bowl eligible. Who saw this coming? Tennessee's collapse has sort of sucked the air out of the national story surrounding Auburn. They couldn't really fire Tuberville could they? Last week Matthew Stafford saved the state of Georgia from the most dispiriting autumn since 1864. But there are still a couple of minefields remaining. This is one. Usually, anyway.

North Carolina (-3) at Maryland- Won't someone please win the ACC? In typical ACC fashion this year two new teams control their own destiny this week. If North Carolina wins all they have to do is beat N.C. State and Duke and they win the ACC's Coastal Division. That's simple enough. But if they lose? Who the hell knows. Same thing with Maryland, win their next three games and they win the Atlantic Division. Lose and we're back to being confused. What a mess.

Vandy at Kentucky (-4)- Remember back when Vandy was the feel-good story of college football and had won five games in a row? Yeah, now they've lost four consecutive games when a win could have made them bowl eligible for the first time since 1982. In two of these games, against Duke and Mississippi State, they've been favored to win. They have three games left to get that win. Can it happen in Lexington? If it doesn't you might be witnessing a pretty epic choke job.

1. Charlie Weis and Tom Brady go down in consecutive weeks with knee injuries. Remember that horrible movie Final Destination where death stalked all those kids? I think they even did a sequel. Is anyone else starting to think that's what Spygate is like? Weis getting wrecked on the sideline was just like that kid stepping in front of the bus and getting killed as he tried to cross the street. If I was Bill Belichick, I'd have my head on a swivel next week.

2. Does anyone else have one single friend who's approaching 30 and keeps going out to the same bar you've been going out to for the past 8 years and still runs the same pick-up a girl offense, only now it's not working at all? My friend Kelly is a Michigan grad and spent Saturday watching Michigan attempt to run the spread offense. He's argued with me that it was time for a change of offensive philosophies. Then, he pointed to our friend, standing alone and woefully adrift in front of a live band, and said, "See, the old offense just isn't working anymore." This would have been more effective if Michigan had looked the least bit competent, but, even still, the analogy is almost perfect. At least none of my friends are the only guy at the bar with a gray goatee. It's been my experience that gray goatee is always there. If you haven't noticed this then you might be the guy at the bar with the gray goatee. Condolences.

3. Post-game interview where Jimmy Clausen stares down the camera directly and made your blood run cold. I'm trying to figure out why this is making me so uncomfortable and then it hits me: Jimmy Clausen is Draco Malfoy. If you have no idea who Draco Malfoy is, email me and you can have my balls. You deserve them.

4. Friday night, while you were out drinking and forgot about the game like I told you would happen on Thursday, USF's freshman kicker nailed a 43 yard field goal to beat Kansas. This was the game of the weekend and you forgot about it even though you spent all day Thursday trying to remind yourself not to forget. You suck. See, alcohol does kill brain cells.

5. South Carolina and Georgia. I listened to this game driving back from UAB-Tennessee on Saturday. It was impossible to find for at least an hour. Why are football game so impossible to find on the radio? Anyway, biggest question of the day, why is Spurrier shuttling in Stephen Garcia at all? I don't get this. Smelley is on his way to throwing for 300 yards and you bring in a redshirt freshman who has already been charged with 19 felonies since he arrived on campus. Including keying a professor's car? He proceeds to take two sacks. Mind-boggling.

6. Biggest upset of the week: Maryland over Cal. Cal was a 16 point favorite. Maryland lost to Middle Tennessee state last weekend. Yet, get a 12:00 kickoff rolling, get Cal's players out of bed at roughly 4 in their morning their time, and things can fall apart in a hurry. Why don't Pac-10 teams insist on later kickoffs when they travel all the way across the country? This is the only thing I'd be concerned about the contract. Write it in there and then sign. Or set the return game for 1 in the morning east coast time. But even that isn't really effective because college kids would prefer this anyway. So, basically, if you're from the west coast you have to refuse to play in this game.

7. Speaking of MTSU, you probably haven't seen how Kentucky's game against MTSU ended because it was on something called the Big Blue Network and Tim Couch was taking a break from having sex fourteen times on Saturday to call the game. In fact, when you watch the footage below you'll note that the Big Blue Network managed to miss the actual tipped-ball catch. Setting the scene, less than thirty seconds remain and UK is leading 20-14. They've lined up to attempt a field goal that will ice the game. Enjoy.

Kentucky fans still haven't recovered from this. Almost LSU redux. I still have no idea how the Kentucky db reacted so quickly to make this tackle inside the one. Thankfully the camera man wasn't responsible for deep coverage.

8. One note on the UT-UAB game, for the first time in my life the UT crowd booed players. Up until five years ago you didn't hear booing of any sort at the game. No matter what the result was. And there were some bad results. Both Jonathan Cromption and tight end Luke Stocker (whose hands appeared to be made of granite and lack finger extensions were loudly booed during the third quarter). I don't get this at all. Anytime you boo college athletes, I think it's incredibly stupid. But the booing of college athletes in the second game of the season during a game they're winning? That's Florida Gator fan-level cluelessness there. Is it spreading?

9. The Mississippi State-Auburn game finished with a 3-2 score. That's only happened six times in college football hstory and only once in the past 50 years. It was televised on ESPN-2 and redefined the term "slugfest." If you've ever wondered what football in 1932 looked like, you should have watched this game. But here's the deal, Sly Croom made the dumbest decision of the week. Why in the world did he choose to go for a 4th and 15 late? When his offense hadn't even converted a single third down of any distance all game? Especially when he had the opportunity to try and pin Auburn deep and allow his defense to go for either another safety or at least force Auburn to punt from their end zone? This decision was baffling to me. It's fairly rare you see a coach make a decision this dumb. Ever.

10. UCLA gave up 59 points to BYU. Two weeks ago my team lost to UCLA. This week we play Florida. I can't explain how unsettling this is. I know the transitive property doesn't work in sports, but, still, uh oh. By the way, if you're doubting whether or not USC is going to run the table in the Pac-10 this year, Arizona, Arizona State, Washington State, Washington, Stanford, Cal and UCLA all lost non-conference games this weekend. And Oregon needed overtime to beat the 6th or 7th best Big Ten school, Purdue.

11. Vandy is now 3-0. They beat Rice behind the fleet feet of their white running back, Jared Hawkins. The white running back is the story of this year's college football season. Michigan has one, UCLA started one, and I'm sure there are others. Of course two of these three teams looked inept on offense, but I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Yep, 2008 is the year of the white running back. But, lest we all forget, injury to fat men on your football team, are just a play away. And if this happens, college kids will reenact the injury.

One of Weis' own players was pushed into him on a punt and contorts Charlie's leg/knee in a way it simply should not go.

Fat guys will do anything to be just like Tommy Brady.

The Notre Dame haters out there can't be happy to see the Irish come away with a win over their rivals Michigan but to see Weis hobble back out to the field in a knee brace and crutches it pretty much the apex of schadenfreude.

Like his friend Brady, Weis' knee gets torn up [Chicago Tribune]

And Charlie Weis knows all about professionalism. Professionalism is calling Michigan players thugs, refusing to answer questions from the media, blaming your predecessor for your own personal failings, and reacting to any question that doesn't deify you as a personal insult. Man, aren't we all just incredibly lucky that the man holding down civility in America today is Charlie Weis? Seriously, though, not accepting apologies? What is this, the third grade?

Exclusive? Weis Accepted Apology Letter From Trey Wingo, Refused to Accept One From Dana Jacobson [The Big Lead]

Q. Your thoughts on the pictures that appeared online earlier this week and what happens from here?
COACH WEIS: I'm going to answer that in two sentences. First of all, I think the obvious thing, on a serious note, I think it's important that I don't condone underage drinking. I think that's important to say.
But that being said and no sarcastic moment really meant to be, but give me a break. Let's move on on.

Q. Well, let me ask you this —
COACH WEIS: Let's move on.

Q. I'm going to ask you this question anyway. The players, let's face it, they are underage and they pose for a picture in a situation that allegedly is questionable. They were in a position where they were allegedly drinking. Your thoughts on that?
COACH WEIS: Alleged by who?

Q. The website said they were participating in something called the Beer Olympics.
COACH WEIS: I said let's give them a break and let's move on. That's as far as I'm going to say. I'm not going to take it any further than that.

Q. Not going to be any discipline?
COACH WEIS: Let's move on on.

Now, here's the thing: If this were any other coach you might be able to give him credit for protecting his players from these types of questions and prolonging the "controversy." But Charlie Weis, for all intents and purposes, is just an absolute prick. According to several people who've had the displeasure of dealing with him on a professional level, he's the most unhelpful, paranoid person, who, for whatever reason carries himself with such an air of entitlement, you'd think his lunchmeat-stuffed body was able to levitate.

But what makes this particular response so disingenuous is the fact that Weiss will cloak himself in self-righteousness when its convenient for him (i.e. Dana Jacobson) and can praise himself for not recruiting a bunch of "hoodlums and thugs" yet he can sit there and stonewall a reporter on a pretty legitimate question about the possible ramifications from this incident? All he had to say was, "We're looking into it" or "It's still being investigated and I'll keep you updated as soon as I hear something." Instead they get "Let's move on."

At the next press conference the first question a reporter should ask Weis is this: Charlie, exactly how full of shit and under-qualified are you?

Let's move on.

Notre Dame Media Conference [ASAP]
Weis 'Give Them A Break' On The Beer Olympics Pics [The Sports Culture]

Jimmy Clausen is the starting quarterback for Notre Dame. Last year he, along with the entire team, had a horrible season. Which was disappointing because Clausen, the nation's consensus top quarterback, committed to Notre Dame in such an understated fashion: By pulling up in a limo to the College Football Hall of Fame, hair immaculately spiked and product-filled, sunglassed and blinged-up.

Now, he's playing drinking games.

The Big Lead ran this photo yesterday and now the Chicago Tribune has announced that Notre Dame is conducting an investigation of the incident because Clausen is underage and appears to be drinking.

This is the second alcohol-related incident for Clausen—he was charged with transporting alcohol as a minor in June of 2007. Which, so far as crimes go, is the equivalent of charging someone with being a college student. Penalizing Jimmy Clausen for these pictures is one of the dumbest things Notre Dame could do. But they're probably going to have to do something now even though every college kid (and plenty of adults) have much more incriminating photos than these up on their Facebook pages.

I think we're heading towards an online era when pictures like these won't be news — but we're not there yet. So strike up the outrage band, underage college kids are drinking. The horror, the horror.

Rick Mirer and Ron Powlus would not be proud [The Big Lead]
Irish QB Jimmy Clausen and at least two teammates face alcohol-use investigation [Chicago Tribune]

I could get hoodlums and thugs and win tomorrow. I won't do it that way.

Of course, the quote could be a nothing, harmless quote, made by Weis to an audience full of Central Pennsylvania Notre Dame alumni sitting in a banquet hall, eating lukewarm food out of chafing dishes, in an attempt to fire up a crowd even though his program is, under his tenure, a losing one. But it also could be interpreted as one that was very marginalizing, or that other big time athletic programs are filling their teams with "hoodlums and thugs," which is why it was brought up last night on BDSS last night, PTI , andfew other places around the web.

John Heisler, Senior Associate Athletic Director, said when I called him today he was aware of the quote but said that the university wasn't planning on commenting on the remarks at this time. He went onto say that "[Weis] was just trying to make a a point about student athletics at our institution — that we only recruit quality individuals and we just don't accept anybody here. That's no big secret." Heisler did add that he understands how some people could be offended by the comment, but seemed confident that the university wouldn't have to publicly apologize for the remark.

One of the event's attendees, and a director at the GNDAC, is Rick Staub, HVAC supervisor at Shipley Energy, "Central Pennsylvania's leading total energy supplier," who said that people who think that Coach Weis' comments were insensitive or racist were probably "Notre Dame haters."

"You know, we're like the Yankees to some people, " he said. Staub then asked if he was going to be quoted for the story and I said, yes, I did identify myself as a reporter and you are talking to me.

"I don't want my quotes to be in print whatsoever. None, no way..." (Hey, journalist folk: Don't you just hate it when people do that?) Staub then suggested I speak with the club president, Brendan Cushing-Daniels for a response.

Cushing-Daniels said Weis' quote was "absolutely not" racist or meant to be offensive in any way. He went on to say that he was "white Irish Catholic" and that there back in the old days of New York City, people like him were considered hoodlums and thugs. (Somebody's seen "Gangs of New York"... )

Daniels, who speaks with a slight country twang and a 1987 graduate of Notre Dame and a professor of economics at Gettysburg College, was genuinely annoyed at the question. "I find it remarkable and disturbing that people are saying that comment is in anyway racist." He also said that if "your website" makes any implication that the quote was in anyway racist that Deadspin could expect a libel suit.

"Look at the racial make-up of the football team!" he barked.

That's fine. There are a lot of black people on Notre Dame. But how many black people were in the crowd at your event?

"None, but I think that's more a symptom of the geographic makeup of this part of Pennsylvania. The Notre Dame alums who live in this area are white."

Maybe it wasn't a racist comment, and Weis' was using "hoodlums and thugs" to make a point that Bill "The Butcher" Cutting wasn't going to get into Notre Dame even if he did lead his inner city high school in touchdowns the last two years. And context and setting is key for this quote — why should Weis apologize for a comment he made in an informal setting from the safety of a dais that may have offended some people?

Charlie Weis addresses Notre Dame club in Gettysburg [The Evening Sun]

Everything you ever wanted to know about Charlie is here. His zodiac sign is Popcorn; his interests include tight pants, play-calling and Candy Land; his immortal enemies are TD Jesus and shirt buttons; he loves monster ballads ... oh just read it! The entire thing is hilarious.

Fantastic work as usual from the good folks at JoeSportsFan.

Charlie Weis MySpace Profile [JoeSportsFan]

Yesterday, I attended the "BlogPhiladelphia Unconference", owing my alleged blogworthyness partly to Philadelphia magazine's supposed blog that was supposed to launch three months ago, but mostly because of my affiliation with Deadspin nation thanks to this here column. For, as I've pointed out on numerous occasions, my blogging abilities since the time of Oddjack are very suspect, considering that site shut down due to lack of traffic. In one of the many interviews I conducted yesterday at the event, I expounded upon why I thought I was such a terrible blogger. One of the reasons: My lack of discipline and attention span, two things that are pretty much required when you're a full-time employee of Gawker Media, which, as you may know, requires a quota for monthly posting. (Ed. Note: We happily soar past this number every month. We like our job a little too much.)

At Oddjack, I was terrible at doing the required 12 posts per day — some days there would 12, some days 8— but I would make sure that, come the end of the month, I would always make my quota somehow. During one of the early months, I realized that I was coming up incredibly short and needed 32 posts in one day in order to get paid the full amount. 32. But after 16 furious hours, I completed it.

Another thing I mentioned about guaranteed traffic killers was an utter lack of expertise on a chosen subject matter. At the time, poker was extremely popular and was expected to be a significant portion of Oddjack's daily coverage. The extent of my poker knowledge consisted of the stupid home games I played in junior high like Acey Duecy, Indian and the always rollicking "Pants Off, Who's Knockin'?", which can only be played with five jokers and at a location that has Dutch doors. Thankfully, I had the criminally underrated (but nonetheless brilliant) BG pulling together all the poker and horse racing stuff while I dicked around all day, sometimes chiming in with the occasional poker post that consisted of talking about the obesity of poker players.

Which gets to my point. (Finally. Apologies. Hungover like a motherfucker.) Charlie Weis has reopened his lawsuit against the surgeons that botched his own fatty suck surgery which he had five years ago and experienced deadly complications afterwards. Although Weis is not expected to be in playing shape his whole life, he should be able to keep his weight from spiraling so far out of control again that he's forced to staple two tablecloths to his thighs in order to wear pants. Mr. Weis is not alone in his offensive corpulence, however, and will surely not be the last person actively involved in the sports world to take such measures.

So this week, I'm blow-drying my banana trail, moisturizing my stretch marks and placing odds on the next sports-related individual to have gastric bypass surgery.

Commence stick-poking after this MORE.

Phil Mickelson: 4/1

Even though he's de-boobed himself a little bit in an attempt to better his game, Mickelson appears to have the genetic makeup to gain 14 pounds after eating one Fig Newton. He also appears to be incredibly vain, and in an effort to stave off being dangerously obese, his date with GBS is imminent. If he doesn't, Mickelson can look forward to being a 450-pound golfer on the Senior PGA tour, whose lone endorsement money will come from Hamburger Helper and mobility scooter companies.

Tonya Harding: 3/1

Did anybody else think for a second that Tonya Harding was playing the salad-tossing old broad on Entourage a couple weeks ago? She wasn't, but thanks to a post-skating career that's morphed her into the Butterbean of female boxing, Harding could've easily played the part. However, if Harding wants to regain even a smidgen of that trailer park sexuality that briefly made her appealing to meth lab owners, she'll have to get pumped. Hooray for Rim Jobs.

Andy Reid: 1/1

Reid's been teetering on the brink of obesity for so long, even his mustache has 65 percent body fat. And given his recent family troubles, look for Reid to find solace in a bathtub full of Touchdown Sundae. Reid, who seems to be the type of guy that enjoys his girth, will most likely not willingly have this surgery. So look for the Eagles to resort to blow-darting Reid at Lehigh this summer and then airlifting him to Thomas Jefferson hospital to undergo the procedure.

Akebono: 2/1

His glory days of Sumo dominance are behind him, leaving him only fading memories and a closet full of flag-sized kimonos. What can Akebono do with all that junk now that he's no longer wrestling? Leaving it behind is the only option. But a 20-year diet of fetal pig sandwiches and cheese milkshakes are hard habits to break. Enter GBS for the mighty Akebono, who could probably make some much-needed income by selling his fat to perfume companies in Japan. Akebono Musk: Smell the Bulbous.

Thanks so much for all your help these last couple days of posting — you've all adequately immersed yourselves in my low-brow Jacuzzi, and it is much appreciated . Tomorrow, Mr. Leitch returns with the family-friendly posting style we all know and love.

However, I'll be doing the first few posts in the monring as Will decompresses from his housekeeper humping vacation and reintroduces his sunburned hands to the keyboard. So, continue to send tips to aj@blacktable.com for the first portion of the day, and we'll keep the trains running until Will remembers how to type again.

Bag it. Tag it. Sell it to the butcher in the store room, etc.

College football game of the day: Sugar Bowl [Covers]