Hanson, the former defensive assistant, is now in the personnel department, i.e. somewhere he won't cross paths with Tom Cable. Even though no charges were filed against Cable, this is probably good for everyone's working environment. But what would possess a man to return to a team where he was told, quite emphatically with fists, that his input wasn't particularly valued?

Here are some variables.

A) Hanson still wants to work for the Raiders.
B) Hanson doesn't want to work for the Raiders.
C) He still holds a grudge.
D) He no longer holds a grudge.
E) The Raiders want him aboard.
F) The Raiders don't want him aboard.

The company line is A, D and E; everybody happy! This is unlikely.

More likely is B, C and F: he doesn't want to be there, but who can turn down a job in this economy? And Oakland heads off any potential lawsuits by keeping him in the fold.

Also possible is A, D and F; he stonewalled the cops during their investigation to keep his job, and Oakland can't very well fire someone who kept their head coach from being arrested.

Or B, D and F; he doesn't want to be there, but he's under contract and the Raiders don't want someone who knows their defensive schemes signing on elsewhere.

These choices don't preclude Hanson owning embarrassing photos of JaMarcus Russell in bed with a three-foot party sub, or the like. But this is akin to Rihanna continuing to profess her love for Chris Brown — oh.

Cable Confirms It [SF Chronicle]

•Tony Gonzalez (and a strategically placed Mrs. Gonzalez) go naked for a PETA ad. Think it's ironic someone on the Falcons, of all teams, to do an anti-fur ad? Well, it's not; Michael Vick never wore fur.

•The Raiders are actively cooperating with the NFL of Tom Cable's Punch-Out!! because they hope to be able to fire Cable "with cause," and not have to pay him. Or they could keep him on staff, and not have to pay any assistants whose careers he ends.

•A Notre Dame assistant called out Navy's head coach for his postgame comments and repeated chop blocks. Never mind the fact that it was Veterans Day; any team who tries to cripple the Fighting Irish will always have the public's sympathy.

•Jimmy Rollins and Shane Victorino win Gold Gloves. They're obviously not talking about batting gloves.

•In a battle of teams named after primary colors, the Red Wings demolish the Blue Jackets 9-1. But if they could somehow combine forces, they would blend into the Purple Parrots, the absolute best team on Legends Of The Hidden Temple.

•Jim Riggleman "wins" the hotly contested Nationals manager sweepstakes, and will sign a one-year contract. Second prize, obviously, was a two-year deal.

•Finally, we've got Duke recruit Kyrie Irving starring in his high school production of High School Musical:

Look, I get that Raider fans are super dedicated to their team and the elaborate costumes that are cooked up by the citizens of the "Black Hole" are part of the fun and spirit of football (and maybe the only reason anyone even attends their games.) But ... and I'm just spitballing here, I'm no expert really ... have you considered taking the shoulder pads off before you get in the port-a-potty? Just a thought. I would just hate to see you lose one of those skulls down the other "black hole."

This picture was taken by photographer Mark Lutzker and you should really check out his whole gallery of shots from the Oakland parking lot, because Raider fans sure are, um ... interesting.

Oakland Raiders [Mark Lutzker]

* * * * *

It's Veteran's Day, so if you know someone who was in the military, today would be a good day to not spit on them.

Did you know that this song was made famous by the movie Rush Hour 3!? (Come on, YouTube. You're better than that.)

•It's supposed to count for nothing, but no. 25 Syracuse lost to the Division II Le Moyne Dolphins, and I'd be shocked if voters don't take this into account the next time they do the polls. While the Orange haven't lost to a DII school in modern history, they did lose to Drexel two years ago, which might be worse.

•The brief Edgerrin James era in Seattle has mercifully come to an end. I was going to lead with this story, but I honestly don't think he's touched the ball enough to be photographed in a Seahawks uniform.

•Dave Bing easily won four more years as mayor of Detroit. Though "won" might not be the right word.

•Dan Snyder apologized to fans for the Redskins' terrible season. He had also planned to erect signs around the city to the same effect, but those were unfortunately confiscated.

•The NBA is down to three undefeated teams: the Celtics, Suns and Nuggets, while the Nets, Pacers and Warriors remain winless. Now I know early success isn't necessarily indicative of future performance, but I'm gonna say, yeah, this is pretty much how things are going to go.

•Clippers owner Donald Sterling paid $2.7 million to settle a housing discrimination lawsuit. He had originally offered Marcus Camby's expiring contract to help the victimized homeowners get under the salary cap, but that was rejected.

•Via Outside The Boxscore, we have a creative ad from a San Diego bail bonds company, noting the Raiders were in town:

The DA explained that Cable merely bumped into Hanson's chair knocking him over and that's how he got hurt. "Technically" it might have been battery, but basically there was no way they would get a conviction due to conflicting accounts and Hanson's initial reluctance to report it as a crime. There may still be a civil suit, but it looks like Tom Cable will not be fired for his uncontrollable rage—but for the crapstastic state of his football team. As it should be.

Raiders coach Cable won't face assault charges [SF Chronicle]

Garcia was cut from the Eagles last month, weeks after he asked to be released by the Raiders, and while he waits for Tampa Bay to call him again, he is just out giving interviews about how promising young Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell sucks and none of the Raiders wanted to win as much as Jeff Garcia did.

"It was to a point where I felt like guys who walked through those doors that just were there to collect a check and not really interested in putting everything that they had within themselves on to the football field," he said. "And that was the frustrating thing for me to see.

"There were a lot of good young guys in that locker room who really want to do whatever it takes to win, but unfortunately it's not everybody," Garcia added. "In order to compete at this level in this game, everybody needs to be on board."

"Maybe it's because how things have been for a number of years now out there and they just don't see the hope," he said.

Garcia said the idea of spending an entire season in Oakland backing up Russell "broke my heart." After his release from the Buccaneers, Seahawks, Redskins, and the Los Angeles Vikings, Garcia is expected to lead the Calgary Stampeders to the 2013 division semifinals.

News of poor morale in the Raiders locker room should stun observers of that storied franchise. Reached for comment, owner Al Davis said "up, up, and away, in my wicked doom balloon!"

Apparently Oakland has been feuding with their former QB for years. Who knew cared? So when they found out he was set to broadcast today's game, they went into full-on tantrum mode.

Rich Gannon is not welcome here," Raiders executive John Herrera said Friday when asked about the ban. "We told CBS we did not want him in our building, we did not want him to be part of our production meeting, and that's where it sits."

The Raiders also asked CBS to remove Gannon from Sunday's broadcast crew but the network declined. The team had previously asked CBS to remove Gannon from working their Nov. 30 game against the Chiefs last season to no avail.

Why all the hate? Apparently Gannon's been very critical of the organization since he went into broadcasting, calling the Raiders "dysfunctional." Apparently truth isn't a defense against slander in Alameda County.

Herrera quoted Gannon as saying in several interviews they should just "blow up the building and start over" in Oakland. Team officials took that as literally as they did figuratively, and told Gannon as much before last season's home game against the Chiefs.

"We think in a post 9/11 world, that's not a very proper thing to say," Herrera said. "It's uncalled for. He seems to be a guy who can't get over the fact that he played the worst Super Bowl game in the history of the game and he wants to blame everybody but himself.

"I guess it's our fault he threw five interceptions."

Burn! Despite that awesome line, and the hilarity of the SI cover above, CBS put their foot down and told the Raiders they're going to have to live with it. And with the inevitable 8-for-30 day from JaMarcus Russell, it'll be interesting to hear what Gannon has to say.

Gannon Not Welcome in Alameda [SF Chronicle]

1. Say hello to the most laughable franchise in all of sports. There are bad franchises littered across all the major sports. Your Lions. Your Clippers. Your Grizzlies. And such and such. But few franchises are as hilariously inept as the Raiders. What separates the Raiders from the merely shitty is the belief of Al Davis (and, in turn, the team's fans) that the Raider brand still has a mystique to it. Fans of that team still think the Raiders exude some kind of badass aura that makes them both cooler and tougher than other franchises. Ooooh, look at you! You're such outlaws! You must ride a motorcycle of some sort! I wonder if you killed any hippies at Altamont!

No other team in team in the universe is as painfully out-of-touch with reality as the Raiders and their fans are. At least Detroit fans KNOW how lame their team is. As for Oakland, you're talking about an owner who still wears sunglasses and slicks his hair back because it makes him look intimidating. This despite the fact that Al Davis is nothing more than a frail, demented old sack of shit who hides, like a total gash, behind a lawyer the second he feels threatened. You're talking about fans who still think their team is somehow more formidable because they wear silver and black. Oh no! Colors! JaMarcus Russell is in black! It's so slimming! How will we ever beat him? Oh, and I like how they play dress up for every game, too. Raider fans, nothing makes me shiver like knowing you spent half your welfare check over at Spencer Gifts.

Worse still, fans of that team have embraced the outlaw image and taken it wayyyy too far. It's gotten to the point where the fanbase is comprised solely of people who think they're societal rebels but are, in reality, annoying dickheads and outright criminals. RAIDER MILT SAY YOU A FAGGOT! Any Raider fan worth his salt should be deeply embarrassed by this whole devolution. One day, in the far distance, someone will drive a wooden stake through Al Davis' heart, the Raiders will be freed from his grip, and someone out there will actually try and turn this franchise into something useful, with home games normal people would actually dare attend. But until that day, they stand as the biggest poseur franchise in the universe.

2. Did I mention they really, truly do suck? Normally, a 45-7 loss in the preseason would be ignored by most people. It's the preseason. You get the benefit of the doubt. But consider just how the Raiders lost to the Saints on Saturday night. They fell behind 31-0 by the half, when all the starters were in. They allowed over 500 yards of total offense. The Saints scored touchdowns on their first three possessions, despite not having Reggie Bush and Pierre Thomas in the game. Drew Brees went 14 for 17, and pass defense was supposed to be one of the fairly decent things about the Raiders this year. This is a roster that has been destroyed by overloaded contracts handed out to people like JaMarcus Russell, Tommy Kelly, and Javon Walker. Apart from top pick Darius Heyward-Bey (who can't catch), the receivers are nonexistent. The o-line is a colander. Their backup QB, Gay Zorro, plays poorly in the red zone. The front seven is a wreck. The coaching staff may as well just stage halftime cage fights for my amusement. I've seen David Lynch movies more cohesive than this outfit. This is one god-awful squad. I completely retract my choice of them for sleeper status. I must be retarded.

3. It all comes back to hating Berman. THEEEEEERAAYYYYYDEZZZZZZZ… Shut your fucking porkhole.

4. They have three good running backs, and they somehow managed to ruin all of them. Oh, Michael Bush. Won't they ever set you free? How I'd love to see you in a competent offense without a randomly managed timeshare.

5. The readers have their say. From Clue H:

The Raiders have sucked ever since every kid at my middle school bought a gigantic Raiders Starter jacket to imitate Eazy-E. I lived in a lily-white town in Arizona. I guess the Raiders logo was supposed to lend toughness. But wearing a Starter jacket when it's 108 degrees outside only lends stupidity.

Which brings me to the Black Hole. Every time the Raiders are on television (so, only if you have Sunday Ticket), the announcers pimp the Black Hole, saying things like "don't get caught in there wearing a (insert visiting team name) jersey!" Does everyone somehow miss that the Black Hole consists of grown men who paint their faces and wear elaborate homemade costumes? The black hole is one step away from a KISS cover band. Or a local theater production of Cats. Is it supposed to be terrifying that a middle-aged man with a personal seat license looks like Papa Shango? Will I actually be murdered by a plumbing contractor if I jeer JaMarcus Russell throwing it behind another receiver? The answer is no. Fuck the Black Hole. The only thing scary about your team is that people still attend games. And Al Davis, because he's undead. And perhaps Tom Cable, but they haven't proved that yet.

And Peelsmiller:

I have a huge raiders fan that sits in front of me at work and he is actually from upstate NY. That's gay enough as it is. (Ed. Note: Agreed. The Raider tend to have a lot of carpetbagger fans.) He came into work the day after they beat the Cowboys 31-10, in the preseason opener, grinning from ear to ear like he just got away with killing a
hooker. We all know it was a preseason game but this wrinkled scrotal bag was jumping around the office like they just won the fuckin Super Bowl. It made me physically sick to listen to him rant about how "the Black Hole is back." He was ready to offer contract extensions to every player and coach on the team. I wonder what it's like to root for such a mediocre team that you celebrate a preseason win by practically making a fake Lombardi trophy out of tin foil. I know we are in a recession and all that shit but I was seriously contemplating giving up my job and just kneeing him in the cock........is it bad to wish cancer on someone?

Not on this site, it isn't.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. We've got the AFC West, AFC North, and AFC East to go.

The fight was Aug. 5, but news didn't escaped the cold death-grip of Al Davis' politburo until today, when the National Football Post broke the story. FanHouse's Nancy Gay has the fuller version. Gay writes:

Multiple NFL and Raiders sources have confirmed the victim of the alleged assault was Hanson, a third-year assistant who is in his first season with the team under the title "assistant coach-defense." Two NFL sources have told FanHouse the attacker was Raiders' first-year head coach Tom Cable, and "that Hanson never saw it coming."

Neither Hanson nor the coach who threw the punch were identified in a Napa, Calif., police report taken Aug. 6 at Queen of the Valley Hospital. But one well-placed NFL source told FanHouse of the attacker: "It's a well-known coach. Very well-known."

Pressed to confirm the identity of the attacker, the source said, "It was Cable who hit him."

As Gay notes, Hanson has never been particularly popular among the coaches. He was disciplined last year for an outburst in the season opener, a 41-14 loss to Mike Shanahan's Denver Broncos. "It's a good thing that Shanahan didn't have our players," Hanson said after the game, "or else he would have beaten us 1,000-0."

It appears Hanson won't be pressing charges, which is a pity if only because the Raiders really should have a felon for a head coach.

Sources: Raiders Coach Tom Cable Punched Assistant During Altercation [FanHouse]