This series will run on MONDAYS this year. Again, consult the initial post if you'd like to help us out with this.

ONE:

The following isn't your typical FAILgate story. It doesn't involve cops, fights, trips to the drunk tank, or wang exposure to the innocent (at least that we were aware of). It's a story about a man and his hair-color-matching vest.

It was February 2006, about a dozen friends and I had descended upon the parking lots of Lambeau Field for a truly epic sporting event. Our beloved Wisconsin Badger hockey team was taking on the Ohio State Buckeyes in the first ever hockey game at Lambeau. We knew that a certain level of intoxication must be achieved to watch outdoor hockey in Green Bay that time of year, so we arrived early for the afternoon puck-drop.

The tailgating scene was fantastic, and we quickly made friends with the other reasonably sized groups of Badger fans nearby. And then an hour or two into it, we saw him. He was wandering around our area, completely shit-canned, and he was dressed in layers, topped off by a vest that remarkably was the exact same color as his hair. At the time, that aspect for some reason was hysterical to most of us. Thinking he was with one of the other groups, we asked around only to discover nobody really knew who he was. Could it be? Had destiny placed him in our midst?

Not caring enough to know his actual name, he immediately adopted the nickname Vest (did I mention his vest was the same color as his hair?). And Vest meant fucking business as he decided to impress us with his beer slamming abilities. We formed a circle around Vest, started a slow clap, and began to chant…

"Vest!...Vest!...Vest!..."

He ripped through that first PBR and triumphantly hurled the can one aisle over into a group of unsuspecting tailgaters, much to our delight. We suspect Vest might not have been drinking the entire can, as it doesn't seem there's any way one could throw an empty beer can that far. But I also didn't think a person could so perfectly match a vest to the color of his own hair.

Thinking he had done the job, Vest attempted to exit the circle. But we wanted more. The circle tightened as others gathered in, and someone tossed him another beer.

"Vest!...Vest!...Vest!..."

A group of probably 30 of us at this point were cheering on Vest as he continued to pound and hurl his somewhat empty beer cans with everything he had, miraculously not drawing the attention of cops who were patrolling the lot. This scene repeated itself for probably 5 total beers until Vest, clearly overcome by the enormity of his accomplishment, yacked all over the ground and himself.

Presumably using the motto "to be the best, you gotta beat the best," a friend of ours challenged Vest to a series of Franzia-bongs. Because if you're going to consume Franzia, it had better at least be through a beer bong. The challenge was also issued through a sumo pose of sorts…..I remember it making perfect sense at the time.

After the two successfully completed a few Franzia-bongs, Vest was gone just like that. Off to where, who knew? Well, we didn't know at the time, but now have an idea. After the weekend when I uploaded my pictures, I noticed something about Vest that a lot of us somehow had missed while we were in his presence; Vest was wearing a press pass, as you can see in the previous picture. Had we been blinded by the vest? Possibly. Either way, this leads one to believe that Vest had left our tailgate to head into the stadium with soaked clothes while reeking of PBR, Doritos, and stomach acid, and drunk off his ass to perform a job, one which he possibly had to interact with other people. Vest was clearly not about to let a job get in the way of a good tailgate, and for that he deserves the utmost respect.

The legend of Vest has lived on amongst our group of friends, as we frequently reminisce that glorious day. Roughly a year later, we heard a story about a writer for a Badger sports website who showed up at a Badger road football game to cover the game and ended up getting kicked out of the press box because he was wasted, argumentative with other reporters, and passed out during the 2nd quarter. Could this have been Vest? Who knows...maybe that's just how he rolls? Frankly I'm not sure I even want to know. I'm perfectly content remembering him as the mystery man who inspired dozens that frigid afternoon with his grit, his determination, and his exuberance. And also his vest.

TWO:

USC doesn't typically start games at seven fifteen (7:15) Pacific time. It's just disrespectful. We don't go later than five p.m. EVER. Today was an exception, so when the tailgate occurred (which typically starts at one (double parentheses 1) or two (double parentheses again, 2) and went until kickoff, I felt like the end of the first quarter was halftime. This guy, however, felt like he got hit by a Taylor Mays full of vodka. Take a gander:

There's even a finger pointing at his epic failgateness. There's a puddle of drool/alcohol spilling from his body. But this only culminated his day of alcohol consumption:

Mr. Blackout not only spent his morning/afternoon pounding hard A, but found a cozy spot next to Tommy Trojan to nap the game away. What occured right before the passout was the epic part of this tory. Fulfilling his role as THE incoherent drunk, yet entertaining, fellow, we decided to bribe him 50 bucks to go and seduce the best milf next our spot. He obliged with out hesitation and found this disgusting cougar from washington. But instead of using his mouth to spit game or lick her, as promised, he used her as a kickstand for three seconds before vomiting right down her top.

As she sprinted down Trousdale to the nearest bathroom, he was showered with chants of "PUSSY," (why this has to do with vomiting on a chick's cleavage, I have no idea) followed by his stumbling onto the nearest steps across from Tommy Trojan, falling into a drunken slumber and subsequent drooling.

Nobody ponied up the Grant bill, and the USC Department of Public Safety escorted him to his residence on frat row. He's now a legend, just like Matt Barkley but with a slightly less positive connotation.

THREE:

In October 2001, I was leaving Foxboro Stadium after a New England Patriots game had ended, and thousands of fans were pouring out of the stadium and onto the street. For those of you on the interwebs not familiar with the Foxboro, Massachusetts area, after games local police rope off the sidewalks and force people to cross the street at certain spots. At least they did at the time. Now that it is Gillette Stadium/Patriot Place they may have ramps constructed over the road...

But one particularly drunk fan was determined to meander where he felt like it – ropes be damned. Approximately 35-years-old, he was clearly stumbling with his shirt completely unbuttoned to offer a better view of his happy trail-covered beer gut. My memory may be wrong on this, but in my head he will forever look like Zack Galifianakis from "The Hangover".

Without any friends to help him (my guess is they abandoned him) a horse–mounted police officer approached the man and asked him to go back under the rope and onto the sidewalk. The man refused, of course, and kept walking in the street. The officer followed him and once again ordered him to get back behind the ropes.

At this point, the man turned around and had a very natural reaction any well-balanced, sober person would have: he reeled back and cowboy punched the horse in the face. Punched. A horse. In the face.

The horse, to put it mildly, freaked the fuck out. The cop half fell off, half jumped off the horse while trying to grab the drunk at the same time. He managed to tear the man's shirt off as he fell, and the horse-puncher wiggled free and bolted down the street. But he didn't make it far.

Maybe it was the post-9/11 feelings about police. Maybe everybody assumed this guy was not a Pats fan. Or maybe people just seem to freaking love horses (see: Barbaro). But the fans definitely stepped up in a true act of…Patriotism? Heroism? Hilariousism? First, an older, bearded gentleman (think Gorton's Fisherman) ducked the ropes and basically dove in front of the man to trip him. As the man went flying to the ground, three or four equally drunk men tackled him. While the cop and a couple of bystanders wrangled the horse and calmed it down, these men held the now shirtless man down with a knee to the back and repeatedly bashed/smooshed his face and chest into the pavement. Not hard enough to kill him, just enough to say "hey guy, what in the sweet Jesus god is wrong with you that you would punch a horse."

The cop finally came over and arrested him, and the other fans, some would argue heroes, disappeared back to the crowd. My only hope is that the guy was charged with assaulting a police officer.

FOUR:

I was completing my final semester of college at Western Illinois in the fall of 2006, a school that has a good party rep. I was working on a live remote for the campus radio station during a tailgate before a Leatherneck game one fall morning, which consisted of handing out cups and other station swag to buzzed/drunk college kids. A truck had pulled up next to our spot and the guys and gals were having a merry ol' time with alcohol and our swag.

Also occurring on this day, the local Boy Scout troop was walking around the tailgate to promote fire safety or something like that. After a couple hours into the tailgate, one of the youngsters walked by our area, and one of the guys in the truck thrust a can of beer in front of the Boy Scout, urging him to chug it.

The Boy Scout (assuming that he was around 12 years old) proudly took the can and started chugging it. Unfortunately, he was chugging it right in front of a cop. The Boy Scout was dragged away, the tailgaters in the truck were subdued, and had to leave the party.

It was one of the funniest moments I had tailgating that year.

Attention tailgaters. It's a long season so please help us with this project and send along any and all shady stories, ridiculous videos, and photos from your tailgating experiences from this season. Or last season. Or 1952. Just make it funny/sad/gross/shocking. Email to tips@deadspin.com. Subject: FAILgate

You know how it is, one moment you’re drinking beers as fast as you can to try and make the memories of Tennessee’s loss to Wyoming disappear and the next moment you look up and watch Texas Tech score touchdown after touchdown against Oklahoma State. Touchdown after touchdown without their players being touched. I’ll admit it, it was breathtaking, I couldn’t speak. Like being 14 all over again and watching Steve Spurrier’s Fun ‘N Gun offense move up and down the field. One moment I’m contemplating committing hari kari with a bayonet attached to the end of Davy Crockett’s musket and the next minute, I’m imagining the Tennessee River outside Neyland Stadium as one glorious fusillade of pirate ships. Black pirate flags taken over by orange, women dressed in orange-pirated finery-cutlasses sheathed in their orange garters. Maybe even a coach (you, Mike, you!) on the sideline wearing a coonskin cap. It could happen, I'm not just dreaming.

Maybe it’s because we’re both lawyers. Or because we both like pirates. Either way I can tell, I just know, that we’re made for each other, Mike. I didn’t know it in the past. Oh, there were hints, like the Michael Lewis article for the New York Times , our mutual affinity for Daniel Boone, and the fact that you graduated from law school and realized you didn’t want to really be a lawyer. Or even the fact that the first book I ever got specially ordered was Look Out for Pirates.

I’d been obsessed with the book for months, checking it out over and over again at the local Goodlettsville Library. Finally my mom ordered it for me as a birthday present. From Walden Books at Rivergate Mall. Ordering books back in those days was a big deal. I still laugh at all the people who complain about Barnes&Noble and Borders killing independent booksellers. Please. When I grew up Walden Books was the only bookstore within twenty miles of my house. They had like forty-five books in the entire store and 18 of them had to do with cooking. (The other 27 were Bible reading-guides.) Getting a decent book was a laborious process. After weeks of asking your mom if the book was here yet, you got a telephone call, your book had arrived!

That day I walked into Rivergate Mall in Goodlettsville, Tennessee positively giddy with excitement. There it was, my very own book. Wrapped in brown-paper behind the desk. The employee handed it to me and I ripped it open. The glorious blue cover, the swords, the pirates, the sunken treasure. It was all pretty spectacular. Just like your offense Mike, just like your offense.

And now, I can’t help but hope we’ve come full circle. I’m rooting for you to lose Mike, but it’s nothing personal. Come Saturday night I’ll be hunkered down in front of my flat-screen television. I’m cutting out pictures of you and drawing hearts on them, Mike. My wife won't let me put them on the ceiling but I'm keeping them in a trapper-keeper by my nightstand.

Oh, and I’m not wearing any pants during the game. I hope you don’t mind. Pants are just so constricting. You’re the dreamiest, Mike, the dreamiest.

Would you be mine, could you be mine, won't you be, my pirate?

Coughs.

I might have gotten a little carried away there. On to the breakdown of the rest of the most intriguing games of the weekened.

Michigan at Ohio State (-21)- Rich Rod doesn't want to you watch this game. He thinks you suck because you care so much about a stupid football game. Why don't you go repair cleft palates or circumcise babies or give all your time and effort to ending the discord between Sunnis and Shiites in Iraq? That's what Rich Rod does every morning. As soon as he finishes internet hunting with the click of a mouse (I have no idea why but I'm convinced Rich Rod is big on internet hunting), he hops in a plane, flies to Africa and spends the day digging wells in the fetid heat. Without even taking his malaria pills. And all you people want him to do is win football games? You sicken Rich Rod, sicken him.

Seriously though, wouldn't it be great if Michigan boosters filed suit on behalf of West Virginia to try and enforce the original West Virginia contract and send Rich Rod back to Morgantown? Even if the suit immediately got dismissed because there was no privity of contract, I think this would be a great move by a Michigan-fan lawyer.

Washington (-7) at Washington State- Signs your football team is in disarray: your most hated rival comes to your house to play, they have not won a game all season, have fired their coach, and...Washington is still favored by a touchdown. That's low, really low. You know what's lower? Washington has a bye week after this game before they play Cal. So the entire team has to sit around for another week and wait to finish out the season by getting the shit kicked out of them. Remember when the bully yelled he was going to kick your ass just as the bus pulled away to begin Thanksgiving break, and then you spent all of Thanksgiving terrified because you knew the bully meant it? Washington's bye week before Cal is the college football version.

Michigan State at Penn State (-15.5)- Penn State wins the Big Ten with a victory here. Is it just me or since the Iowa loss is it like Penn State doesn't even exist anymore? If you'd told Penn State fans before the season started they'd win the Big Ten, they'd have been ecstatic. Now, they're kicking snow drifts and hoping that Iowa kicker dies of lockjaw.

Meanwhile, Michigan State might be the only bright spot in the entire state of Michigan. The auto companies are imploding, Michigan and the Lions are a combined 3-18, AI isn't working for the Pistons, it's fucking cold, and no one has enough money for Christmas. And now the Spartans are going to get kicked in the teeth as a prelude for Thanksgiving. I can't wait to arrive on Sunday afternoon.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (-6)- Last night while I was watching Georgia Tech rush for 472 yards, 472! (They passed for 46. That stat-line is like something from 1954. If you're Miami do you just burn the tape from this game?), I kept seeing the score for Pitt and Cincinnati flashing on the screen. For about five minutes I thought this game was taking place on Thursday Night and I was trying to figure out how I'd missed this fact. Then I remembered the NFL was back on Thursdays again and that for six weeks out of the year Rich Eisen was relevant. (Isn't it funny how much the NFL Network overhypes the Thursday night game after it's over? It's the only reason the network exists. It's really kind of pathetic. They remind me of the kid I knew in elementary school who took a family vacation to Fort Campbell, Kentucky and spent the next year telling everyone stats about Fort Campbell.)

Anyway, Cincy wins the Big East if they win this game. Lose and the championship will come down to Pitt.-West Virginia. The internet is alive with rumors that Brian Kelly will be the new coach at UT. I don't buy it. But if he is, here's a tip for the rest of the SEC, we just hired a coach who married a woman named Paqui. Do with this what you must.

Tennessee at Vanderbilt (-3.5)- Vanderbilt has never been favored over Tennessee in recorded history. I'll be there writing a book. Another fun fact, Tennessee and Ohio State are the only two schools to never have lost 8 games in a football season. Vandy is favored to make this the worst season in the history of Tennessee. Yep, this is my life.

Oregon State at Arizona (-2.5)- Oregon State's march towards their first Rose Bowl since 1965 continues...maybe. Don't you know that Mike Riley stays awake at night watching film from their opening game of the season, a 36-28 Thursday night loss at Stanford? Win that game and all he'd have to do is split his final two to end up in the Rose Bowl. Oregon State has won 8 of the last 9 over Arizona. Can they make it 9 of 10? The 'Hoff hopes not.

Florida State (-1) at Maryland- If Maryland wins they retain control of the Atlantic Division. If they lose...who the fuck knows. Remember when you played little league and every kid had to bat? Even the kid who used his baseball cap as the fin on the shark he made out of dirt in the dugout? Yeah, whoever wins the ACC is officially this kid in the BCS.

Utah (-7) v. BYU- True or false, Utah is the Beehive State? Utah is currently #7 in the BCS and can complete a perfect regular season with a win over BYU. Something they haven't done since 2005. You'd think this will get them in the BCS. Hopefully against Cincinnati. So ESPN can do the math and realize they just paid $20 million for this game. That's more than Pam Ward's penis cost.

Texas Tech at Oklahoma (-6.5)- I can't wait to watch this game. No matter what happens you know this game is going to be entertaining. Bradford and Harrell, Crabtree and Iglesias. It's like Christmas in November. Only with more alcohol and less pants.

Ohio State (-11) at Northwestern- Who's rooting harder for Ohio State to finish the rest of the season without a blemish than Penn State fans? The answer is no one. Back in 2004 Northwestern upset Ohio State. Fresh off their road upset of Minnesota can Northwestern pull off another shocker? A noon kickoff probably helps. But having intelligent football players probably hurts. Damn.

Georgia Tech at North Carolina (-4)- The ACC is a swamp of mediocrity. Every team in the Coastal Dvision of the ACC already has two losses. The loser of this game will definitely be eliminated from contention. I think. But who really knows? A win and UNC has their first winning season since 2001. Tech's quarterback, Josh Nesbitt, may not be able to play. Enjoy.

Alabama (-3.5) at LSU- - Coming soon, a congressional inquiry into how LSU fans are capable of figuring out football player's cell phone numbers. Two weeks ago Knowshon and Stafford responded to their cell phone numbers being leaked with their best games of the season? Can JPW do the same? Who knows? Better question, how many people in Alabama commit suicide if Bama loses to LSU and then finds a way to lose to an awful Auburn team for the 7th year in a row, meaning they don't even win the SEC West. Over/under is 15. Including the always eloquent Cowboy.

Kansas State at Missouri (-27.5)- The over/under on this game opened at 74. That's truly unbelievable. Well, that and the fact that everyone has written off Missouri as a factor in the national scene. Am I the only one who sees Missouri upsetting the Big 12 South winner in the Big 12 title game? Yeah? Oh well.

Florida (-24) at Vandy- Since losing to Ole Miss 31-30 Florida has outscored their past four SEC opponents 201-43. Included were two top ten wins over Georgia and LSU. That's an average of 50-10. Now they get Vandy. A team that scored 7 points against Duke to lose their third consecutive game. This is going to be incredibly ugly. It's a good thing ESPN picked up this game for national broadcast.

Penn State (-7) at Iowa- Can Penn State stop Iowa's tailback Shon Greene from running? If so, they'll blow Iowa out. If they can't, this game might give Joe Paterno heartburn. That's provided, of course, that he actually realizes what the stakes are for his team that remains slotted at BCS #3. Earlier this week Paterno was confused whether it was BCS or BSC. This is Penn State's last road game.

Arizona (-41) at Washington State- In their last two games Washington State has been outscored 127-0. That's bad. What's worse? In their last five games WSU has been outscored 284-30. WSU's defense averages giving up 49.4 points a game. Is there any doubt that the Washington-Washington State game is going to be the most futile "rivalry" game in the country this year? 1-10 vs. 0-10. I can't wait.

Oklahoma State at Texas Tech (-3)- If you don't really have a rooting interest, don't you have to favor Mike Leach in the BCS Title game? Most coaches are circumspect and reserved. Leach is an insane lawyer who graduated from Pepperdine and, wife and child in tow, took a coaching job for $7,000 a year . By the way, if you haven't read Michael Lewis's profile piece on Leach from three years ago in the New York Times, now is the time to do it. One of the best profiles I've ever read. Sample line: Each off-season, Leach picks something he is curious about and learns as much as he can about it: Geronimo, Daniel Boone, whales, chimpanzees, grizzly bears, Jackson Pollock.

Cal at USC (-22)- Do you ever get the feeling that no matter how much the linemaker installs USC as favorites by the line is going to move higher? And USC is still going to find a way to cover. I'm picturing some sallow-skinned man sitting in front of a bank of computers slowly pulling out his red hair while game film of Pete Carroll strutting down the sideline plays on a constant loop. Yep, it just happened again. USC opened as 17 point favorites and now they're up to 22.

a. Guard Ramon Foster picks up his arm to turn around and try to hear what audible Jonathan Crompton is calling. My best guess as to this audible? Watch me throw it really hard into the ground.

b. Tennessee kicks to Brandon James allowing him to return a punt for a touchdown against us for the third consecutive season. (The 2006 return was negated by a phantom block in the back call). Think about how amazing this is. Next year he’s going to become the first player in history to return a punt for a touchdown in four consecutive seasons.

c. Jonathan Crompton decides to run for it on 3rd and 21 after facing modest pressure.

d. Despite there being no one lined up over the center (meaning even I could have scored from one yard out on the quarterback sneak) Crompton goes play-action.

e. The Arian Foster fumble montage aired by CBS. I got more emails about this than anything.

Also, after his third quarter touchdown to Percy Harvin, Florida had outscored UT 58-0 since the third quarter of last year's game. And I'd seen all those points in person. This is no rivalry anymore. Here’s a round-up of 11 other notable things in college football this week after the jump:

1. Scene: Knoxville bar on Thursday night. Guy in West Virginia baseball cap has his back turned to the game during overtime of the Colorado game that his team would lose 17-14. Leaving aside the questionable decision to roll solo to a bar for a game night, how are you actually clad in team gear and not watching while your team is in overtime? Anyway, good hire on Bill Stewart. The guy knows his clapping.

2. The Terrelle Pryor Experience has officially begun. Four touchdown passes and 66 yards running in the 28-10 win over Troy. Are Ohio State fans starting to do the BCS math on 11-1? Former starting quarterback Todd Boeckman ran two plays and was booed mercilessly by the crowd. Prompting this response from defensive lineman Lawrence Wilson:"Hey, we're just kids. We're not professionals. There's no way that adults should treat us that way." News flash, you’re also adults. People younger than you get killed in Iraq every day. But at least no one boos them.

3. Wake Forest over Florida State for the third consecutive year. Third. Think about this, prior to the 2006 season what odds could you have gotten that Wake was going to be beat FSU three times in a row (and twice at Doak-Campbell)? Would there have even been a line? What if you’d shown up at a Vegas casino with a truck of cash and asked them to come up with the odds for you? You’d own the Strip now. In other news, FSU still sucks at quarterback. This level of futility is mind-boggling. Year after year FSU knows they suck at quarterback, everyone (including dozens of blue-chip quarterbacks) know they suck at quarterback, and yet nothing is changing. Chris Weinke is going to end up with a bronze statue outside the stadium soon.

4. Charlie Weis and Notre Dame took a beating from Michigan State. In the process, the horribly named Laptopgate arose because Notre Dame had a laptop in the press box. Fortunately Charlie Weis shot down the problems with that. "The last thing I ever want to do is lie," he told the AP. Of course, why would we ever think otherwise?

5. Vandy is in the top 25 for the first time since 1984 after a 20-17 road win over Ole Miss. No one saw this game because it wasn’t televised anywhere but it featured the inexplicable (a fumble into the end zone as Ole Miss prepared to score and take the lead), as well as four picks from Jevan Snead and a winning team that put up half the offensive output as the losing team. Regardless, the Vandy win has some Auburn fans saying they’re more scored of the ‘Dores in two weeks than they are UT next week. This is ominous. What’s best of all for Vandy about the timing of their ranking? They have a bye week this week so they’ll be ranked for two consecutive weeks. Meaning they’ll set a new record since the 1984 ranking only lasted for a single week. There hasn't been partying like this on campus since the AP test results came back. A 4 in English Composition. Score!

6. Miami stomped Texas A&M 41-23. Admit it, you didn’t know this game was happening either, did you? Miami is still floating under the radar, but I think there’s a decent argument to be made that Randy Shannon has got them on the way back up. As for A&M? Wow. Things aren’t turning so quick. Maybe that two-day coaching search was a bit abrupt?

7. Oregon goes down to Boise State 37-32 meaning USC is already the only remaining unbeaten Pac-10 team. I have lots of Pac-10 readers at Oregon. This makes perfect sense. So, soon after Brandon James’ punt-return for a touchdown, I get this text message, “It could be worse, you could be losing to Boise State.” I think my situation is worse. I’d rather lose to Boise State once than have Brandon James return a punt for a touchdown against my team for the third consecutive year.

8. UCLA’s continuing demise. For two weeks the question was whether UCLA was good or UT was bad. The latter has been confirmed. Since the UT win UCLA has been outscored 90-10: 59-0 by BYU and 31-10 by Arizona. This means UCLA is almost more painful than the Florida loss. Almost.

9. The Big 12’s top teams continue to avoid one another and all remain in the top 10. Texas Tech puts on a 56-14 beat down of UMass. (This would have been a better basketball game. Maybe.) Texas beats Rice 52-10, Missouri beats Buffalo 42-21, and Oklahoma has a bye week. In the Missouri game Chase Daniel completed 20 straight en route to 439 yards passing. Yet, every time I see him, Daniel looks fatter. You too, right? He’s definitely gorging on giant drum sticks. I picture him living in an old house off campus with only one large room. It’s just got a giant chair-throne in the shape of an M that also doubles as a bed. He has a remote control that raises him up to eat and then lowers him back down when the groupies arrive to service him. Occasionally he has sex while eating the giant drum stick.

So it’s probably fortunate that Missouri doesn’t get Oklahoma or Texas Tech on the regular season schedule this year. If they can both get past the Texas game (Oklahoma also gets Texas Tech), it really looks like a Big 12 title game between Missouri and Oklahoma could be a match-up of undefeated teams. At least the Big 12 has a title game. If this was the Big Ten and the teams didn’t play we’d all be subjected to a month’s worth of Herbstreit telling us why the two teams should be given co-national titles without playing.

10.The best game of the day was LSU-Auburn. LSU comes from down 14-3 at the half to win 26-21 on the road against one of the best defenses in the country. Meaning that, at times, it remains more important to have a confident coach than an intelligent coach. Credit to Les Miles for dialing up the trick play score and the ballsy (as if that’s a surprise by now) late touchdown pass on the final drive (although not nearly as late this year).

Question for ESPN: Why did we need shot after shot of a clearly disoriented Andrew Hatch on the sideline? Yeah, it sucks he had a concussion, but this was borderline making fun of his injury. Imagine if someone had a hurt knee, would they keep showing him sitting on crutches while making fun of the fact that his leg wasn’t working? Why do that with Hatch when a head injury is clearly much more dangerous than a leg or arm injury would be?

Credit to redshirt freshman Jarrett Lee bouncing back from the worst interception of the year to lead LSU on the comeback. After he threw the first pick, there was zero faith among LSU fans that he could seal the deal after the Hatch injury. Well done by Lee. I can’t help but think that Miles being insanely confident rubs off on his team. Sometimes insane confidence is better than intelligence. Just ask George W. Bush.

11. There are six non-BCS teams ranked in the top 25. Three from the Mountain West (BYU, Utah, and TCU.) If anyone but USC wins the Pac-10, the Mountain West should take out a newspaper ad on the west coast and proclaim their top team the Pac-10 champion as well. East Carolina hung in despite finding a way to lose to N.C. State and Boise State joined Fresno State, who survived after their crazy overtime win, in the top 25.

Pryor's touchdown passes covered 39 and 16 yards to Brian Hartline, 13 yards to Rory Nicol and 38 yards to Brian Robiskie. The 6-foot-6 standout from Jeannette, Pa., who won't attend his first college class until next week, completed 10 of 16 passes for 139 yards with one interception. He also ran 14 times for 66 yards.

Okay, let's try to remember that he was playing against Troy, and aside from the gaudy touchdown total he wasn't exactly a world-beater. Ah fuck it, start building the Pryor-themed floats for the 2010 Rose Bowl Parade!

*This is just a joke, please don't feel the need to send me hate emails with a list of all the great things about Columbus. We know, you get good weed. We get it.

Image Source
AP Source

One of the most fascinating angles to this story, and there are many, is the degree to which Pryor comes to represent his small town — Jeanette, Pa. And how many people have been following him as a special athlete since he was a young kid.

"Third grade to sixth—it’s that time of life when magic is always just around the corner, when life hasn’t beaten it out of you," Klimchock says. "If Terrelle has a fault, it’s that he still hasn’t learned that magic isn’t always possible. All the times on court he’d try to thread a pass through a wall of defenders and it didn’t happen, he’d look at me, mystified. I’m halfway thinking There’s a wall there. But the other half, I’m mystified myself, because I’d expected it to go through."

Still more:

He grew four inches, to six-four, and the look in his eye got even darker. "It was like the year Robert Johnson went away, sold his soul to the devil, and came back possessed," Klimchock says. One evening before practice, early in Pryor’s freshman year, Klimchock found him standing with his back to the basket, six feet out. "He says, ‘Coach, look,’ takes off backwards and throws it down, all backwards," Klimchock recalls. It defied physics, and it defied imagination to try it. "I thought, The body alone cannot do this," Klimchock says. "Something has to happen in the mind."

How about Pryor's high school graduation party?

That much is clear at Pryor’s graduation party in late May, held downtown at the American Legion Hall. For four hours, there are never fewer than 400 in the hall. Pryor, aglow in an orange Lacoste shirt, has a lantern-jaw smile for everyone as he works the room, signing place mats ("So this is for everyone at Nancy’s Diner?") and picking up babies ("God, she’s a beauty, isn’t she?"), then moving on the instant there’s a pause. As the day draws to a close, there are a lot of long faces. Jeannette’s first citizen is all grown up and leaving home.

Honestly, I could pull out paragraphs like this for the entire post. Snoop Dog's son making fun of one of Pryor's duck passes by breaking out an Aflac joke? One final quote from a high schooler's phone call to Coach Tressel: "Hey, Coach, Snoop called me TP," he says into one cell phone, using his free hand to photograph a seagull with another, an iPhone. "Oh, yeah, and Joe Montana worked with me on my mechanics. A little." Just go read the story.

The Hunted [Details]

8. UVa at UConn (-12.5)- Remember how Al Groh was supposed to revitalize Cavs football? Yeah, those dreams have long since passed. Now dontfirealgroh.com gets more and more frustrating each week. Already Cavs fans are rooting for the good ole days when their players were being arrested at gay bars to return. But has it really gotten to the point where a UConn team that scored 12 points on Temple, Temple!, opens as a favorite by more than 12 over Virginia? Yep, that time has come. UVa beat UConn last year 17-16. But you have to take UVa with that spread, right?

7. Oregon (-8) at Purdue- This game will take 5 hours to play and end with a score of something like 56-49. The new college football rules designed to shorten the game have no prayer of helping here. Joe Tiller is the most reliably average of all Big Ten coaches. He's good for 7 or 8 wins a year (10 bowl games in 11 seasons) and will inevitably have at least a single game in September that makes you think Purdue might be a factor. Then, they aren't. Unless it's sleeting and his mustache freezes. Then, you have to watch.

Oregon is probably USC's most legit challenger in the Pac-10 and no one has mentioned them all season. Why? Because as much as the Pac-10 complains about a lack of media attention on the East Coast, the only Pac-10 teams that get any West Coast media attention are in major markets in California.

The most interesting thing about this game? Both teams had a bye coming in. Why? (Note, evidently this is not true. Both teams actually played games; Purdue-Northern Colorado and Oregon-Utah State. Even still, I stand by my bye week statement.) The second most interesting thing about this game, Oregon is traveling to Indiana for a football game. Again, why? This is one of those cross-regional games that makes no sense. Does Purdue bring in northwest recruits? No. Does Oregon hit up Indiana for players? No. Have Purdue and Oregon fans been clamoring for this match-up? No. So, why play? Just so the Pac-10 and the Big 10 can play another game on the same day as USC-Ohio State that no one on earth will remember? Brilliant.

But look at all the pretty touchdowns.

6. Auburn (-10.5) at Miss. State- Last year Miss. State and Sylvestor Croom found a way to beat Auburn at Auburn. Now, Auburn has a new quarterback, a new offensive coordinator, a new defensive coordinator, has looked mediocre in two wins thus far and they are favored by two scores in a road game. This makes zero sense to me. Granted State has looked horrible, but even when State wins they look horrible. How could you not take MSU here? I'll tell you, if Croom makes the mistake of scheduling the team fieldtrip to the only escalator in Starkville on the Friday before this game. Last year three starters were injured trying to walk the "magic stairs."

5. Oklahoma (-20) at Washington- Can you imagine what will happen if the officials, feeling sorry for Washington's excessive celebration penalty last week, blow another call on the west coast in favor of a Pac-10 school against Oklahoma. I'm rooting for this to happen just to see Bob Stoops storm the field and choke the head ref to death with his headset cord. Otherwise the Ty Willingham death march is likely to continue.

4. Michigan (-2) at Notre Dame- The fact that Michigan is favored in this game speaks volumes about Jimmy Clausen's hair. Because if you've watched Michigan's offense thus far they look like Australian aboriginees being instructed in how to build websites without first learning to read. Yet, amazingly, the over/under on this game is 37. How? The score of this game is going to be 13-10 Michigan and after it's over, Charlie Weis's amazingly invisible crotch is going to be soiled. But not for long. Immediately after he soils himself, Notre Dame fans will arrive to lick up his mess. All the while exclaiming, "Oh, yeah, Ty Willingham's the one who really blows. This isn't a blow job, this is just a European crotch cleaning."

3. Kansas at South Florida (-3.5)- This game is actually being played on Friday which means 99% of college football fans are going to think, man that sounds like a good game. Only the game will already have been played before we realize it's going on. Which is a shame because Kansas's Mark Mangino and USF's Jim Leavitt are the two angriest coaches on the sideline not named Mike Gundy. Kansas hasn't lost since John Brown's Raid but South Florida is favored at home. Anyone who tells you they have any idea what's going to happen in this game is a fool. USF is the moderately attractive girl of college football. Except she's bipolar. One party she's ski-polling two guys while sitting on the drier, the next weekend she's worn a navy pantsuit to the party and is crying into her Cranberry Diet Mike's Hard Lemonade. I'm sure this is tough to take for USF fans.

Hopefully for Mark Mangino's sake he'll avoid having his picture taken alongside oranges this time.

2. Georgia (-7.5) at South Carolina- Steve Spurrier is reverting to 1994 and plans on alternating between his two quarterbacks, Smelley and Beecher. Neither of them is any good and they're probably not going to be able to throw bubble screens to wide receiver Kenny McKinley, who has an injured hamstring. Meanwhile, Georgia comes into town incensed because Mark May didn't invite Knowshon Moreno onto the set and let him demonstrate his great leaping ability by tea-bagging Lou Holtz. Also, former Georgia defensive end David Pollack is now a member of the CBS announcing team. In what capacity, I'm not sure. There's a strong part of me that wants his only role to be high-skipping into the press box while barking with Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson walking calmly behind him.

This game may be the last chance Steve Spurrier has to prove he's still relevant. Otherwise he sinks to 1-7 in his last 8. It's also one of two early SEC East games (the other is Florida-UT) where every other SEC East fanbase needs to be rooting for the underdog to win so chaos rules in the SEC East.

1. Ohio State (-11.5) at USC- Too much has been said about this game already. And the most interesting question, hasn't even been answered. How much does USC have to beat Ohio State (sans Beanie) by to guarantee that Ohio State has no chance to play in the BCS title game? 30? 40? I'm interested in the number because I really have no idea.

Tressel's Thursday comments conflict with his Tuesday comments that Wells would play. Is this gamesmanship from Tressel? Per ESPN: "Tressel said team officials would monitor Wells' condition before deciding whether to rule him out for the game in Los Angeles." So nothing has yet been decided.

Clearly winning without Wells is the best possible outcome for Ohio State, but isn't losing without Wells available to play the next best option? The Buckeyes will be favored in every game for the remainder of their season. If they run the table and finish 11-1 with one road loss at USC without their star tailback, they'll be in a solid position to once more make the BCS Title Game. And America will still hate them.

Buckeyes' Wells now doubtful for Saturday's game [ESPN]
Wells back at practice [Buckeye Grove]

The interview was for Thursday's Jim Rome show. White's response led the host to say, "White's comment was a complete non sequitur." To which White responded, "Hey, homie, I ain't gay." If only. Actually they talked about why Jim Rome loves him some McDonald's chicken. Or something. Ohio State-USC can't get here soon enough.

LenDale White says Ohio State sucks [Sports by Brooks]

Today's preview is brought to us by Matt from Buckeye Commentary. We're just two days away from kickoff. Is your blood not pounding at the thought of Oregon State-Stanford?

STRENGTHS

Stiff-arm delivering running back? Check. Best cover corner in college football? Check. Sick linebackers and the nation’s top sweater vest. Check, check. Throw in the greatest stadium in the country and the ability to spell while holding musical instruments and you have the nation’s finest overall program. We have won a Heisman or two recently, as well.

STRENGTHS

Stiff-arm delivering running back? Check. Best cover corner in college football? Check. Sick linebackers and the nation’s top sweater vest. Check, check. Throw in the greatest stadium in the country and the ability to spell while holding musical instruments and you have the nation’s finest overall program. We have won a Heisman or two recently, as well.

Beanie Wells: He runs angry. You know that feeling you get when you are embarrassed after falling down steps at a party? You just want to hit the first thing you see. He is more powerful than Big Ten linebackers and faster than SEC safeties (gasp!). He will be the best player on the field in every game (yeah, you heard me Maualuga). His stiff-arm will almost certainly test the applicability of Ohio’s assault statutes to in-game football injuries.

Malcolm Jenkins: The senior from New Jersey was initially notable for his blanket coverage, then known for vomiting at the Playboy All American party, and now seeks to regain singular football recognition. The Buckeyes churn out cornerbacks like Tennessee does criminals and Jenkins is the best of the lot.

The Sweatervest: Some say the shine is off JT, but those people suck. Little known fact, Tressel finished as the I-AA Runner-Up twice while coaching Youngstown State. He won four national titles during the other years. Obviously, Tressel was just interested in getting those second place finishes out of the way so that he can start winning titles again. It starts this season.

WEAKNESSES

Well, in case you have not noticed, we cannot seem to beat an SEC team for a title. We have no problem beating one of the best teams in college football history (Miami, 2002), but a two-loss LSU team proved too much. [Insert plummeting scream] Oh yeah, and we could use some serviceable defensive tackles.

Defensive tackle: The coaches love to talk about the depth and rotation on the interior of the defensive line. That is coachspeak for “we might as well keep ‘em fresh since no one is good enough to play all game.” That is to say nothing of the fact that two Des have been moved inside (Doug Worthington and Robert Rose). Cameron Heyward and Lawrence Wilson are animals on the edges, but teams will just run straight ahead.

Special Teams: “I thought Senator Tressel always has great special teams,” I just heard you say. Well, you’re wrong. Last season, Ohio State ranked 117th in kickoff returns. Granted, they had the few number of returns (34) but an elite program needs to crack the top 25. Punt returns were not much better. And, then there is the field goal unit. [See 2008 BCS Title Game for discussion of crippling, game-altering play.] Ugh.

WHO WE HATE

Dick Rod for starters. Lloyd Carr could not coach his way out of a wet paper bag, but he was half of the classiest coaching rivalry in the business. Now, RR shows up with the shit-eating grin, country swindle, and back room personality, and ruins it for everyone. Let’s see, so far he has faced a multi-million dollar lawsuit, player mutinies, and the wrath and taunting of conference coaches without having coached a game. Nice work. We are not sure what Michigan was thinking, but this is not going to end well

An analysis of state records found that while state, county, and local officials buy the tickets, the bulk have gone to state lawmakers. Ohio State tickets go for $62 a game, or $434 for all seven home games. Elected officials are allowed to buy four season tickets, and staff or cabinet members may buy two.

Ohio State fans just got really interested in electoral politics. Now that this story is out maybe Mike Cooper needs to toss his name into the legislature hat. Hell, you could probably fund most state legislature campaigns by scalping four Buckeye tickets that you got to buy for face value. Oh well, at least Ohio hasn't had any recent scandals involving misappropriation of state funds. Wait...

Ohio politicians use campaign war chests to buy Buckeye tickets [Chronicle of Higher Education]
Trading campaign funds for college football [College OTR]

We all know he was being honest when he said Ohio State fans sucked. You can agree or disagree with the statement but at least it was honest. Now, predictably, Palmer has backtracked from his statement and isued a new one regarding Ohio State and their fans. Have we really reached the point where quarterbacks have to behave like politicians and issue statements we know they don't actually believe? Yep.

In a statement, Palmer said, "I'm a Trojan all the way, and I was talking to a Trojan audience in California. I guess I got a little fired up, as all good fans will do. But I really do respect the Buckeyes, and I know their fans are passionate, too.

"I hope they all understand I'm just looking forward to a big game for my school against a very tough opponent, and that it's all in the good fun of a rivalry. You don't have a real rivalry unless both sides are great teams."

So now everyone who appreciated Palmer calling out Ohio State fans is pissed and every Ohio State fan still hates Palmer. Well played. In other news Carson Palmer also likes babies, hopscotch, cornhole, Cincinnati race relations, and the cadaver whose ACL he models.

Palmer backs of bashing Ohio State [The Sporting News]

It's a good thing Ohio State fans are so worldly and forgiving. Because otherwise Carson could be in some hot water. Evidently Palmer, a noted USC and Pac-10 homer, went on Los Angeles sports talk radio and brought the thunder.

Maybe he was misquoted.

"I cannot stand the Buckeyes."

Okay, not a lot of parsing to be had there. Per AOL Fanhouse, there's more:

"It's amazing to hear what those guys think about that university and what they think about that football program and Tressel and all the crap I gotta put up with being back there."

With these statements Carson Palmer has endeared himself to 49 states in the union. Unfortunately he plays in the 50th. Here's a good debate topic for you, are Ohio football fans going to be more upset about Chris Henry's multiple felony arrests or Carson Palmer ripping the Buckeyes?

Carson Palmer Hates Ohio State Fans [AOL Fanhouse]

Blah blah blah. I don't know, I mean, is it more offensive that he's actually dead now or more offensive when he was alive? Remember when Anthrax had to deal with this in 2001? Did they fold when their ironic nickname became a bit too real? Not a fucking chance. (Ecnahcgnikcufaton!)

I understand that Bo's death was very traumatic for these guys, but come on , now — even if you're a fake punk band that sings dopey songs about Ohio State football it still requires you to have some semblance of a penis.

DS Now Named Bastard Sons of Woody [DeadSchembechlers]

Fantastic post by the Wizard of Odds, highlighting the Ohio State autograph shilling non-controversy, which seems a little sketchy considering some of these non-professional athletes are making six-figure incomes during "autograph season." According to the Wiz—via the Cleveland Plain Dealer—, some OSU players—including probable first-round linebacker A.J. Hawk—are involved in this pastime that many a senior has participated in through the years. Today, the Wizard of Odds updates his story, claiming that this is standard practice at many big-time universities.

Hmm, kind of throws a little wrench into that whole college athletes not seeing any income argument that crops up every so often. It's good to know Maurice Clarett was compensated in some way, however.

The Handwriting is on the Wall [Wizard of Odds]
Big Bucks Made on Buckeyes Bandwagon [Cleveland Plain Dealer]