As has become the tradition, Canada is holding a nation-spanning Olympic torch relay so that the entire host country can get in on that good old Olympic spirit. On a related note, did you know that Canada is really fucking big? And like ... really far north? I guess that even the person who lives on Resolute Bay should get to see the flame too, but man is that a hike. Sorry, but if your place can only be reached by sled dog, you might occasionally miss out on things.

You know, there's still plenty of room in Manitoba. Come on down. They won't bite.

[AP Photo/The Canadian Press, Jonathan Hayward]

* * * * *

It's Thursday. I don't need instructions to know how to rock.

Since I'm sure you were watching live coverage of the first week of the torch relay through Greece, you may have noticed one runner completed her leg a little faster than everybody else. That's because hurdler Fani Halkia might have had a bit of metribolone in her system.

Halkia was banned for two years after testing positive at the Beijing Games, but since she also won a gold in Athens, the Greek Olympic Committee are happy to let that slide. Accordingly, they let her carry the torch for a segment of the relay. IOC officials: not happy.

The Greeks backed down pretty quickly, claiming the whole thing was an oversight. But what do they care? She won them a gold, and what is the IOC going to do: take the flame away from Greece?

Disgraced Athlete Gives Relay Its First Hurdle [CTV]

"This torch relay is the most ridiculous in Olympic history," said Wang Lixiong, a Beijing-based writer and researcher on Tibetan issues. "It is now being run in sealed-off areas. Many officials in Beijing must regret that they made such ambitious plans."

Meanwhile, Nepal is wondering what all the fuss is about. If anyone tries to protest the torch during its ascent of Mount Everest next month, soldiers will simply shoot them.

A U.S. citizen holding a "Free Tibet" banner has been turned back from the slopes of Mount Everest, a Nepalese army officer said. The incident comes as authorities in Nepal tighten security on Mount Everest in advance of the scheduled arrival of the Olympic torch in early May. Nepal has about 25 security personnel on the mountain, including 15 soldiers trained in mountain warfare, the army officer said. Security forces on the mountain have permission to shoot mountaineers engaged in anti-Chinese activities, according to a Home Ministry official.

You may have cleaned out American protesters, but you'll never stop the legendary Yeti. Not only is he for a free Tibet, but he hates fire.

Olympic Torch Goes Off Route [USA Today]
Tibet Banner Gets U.S. Citizen Kicked Off Mount Everest [CNN]

Kung-fu action hero Jackie Chan has warned anyone planning to stop him carrying the Olympic Torch he will come out fighting. "Demonstrators better not get anywhere near me," sad the 54-year-old, speaking at the launch of latest movie Forbidden Kingdom. Chan claimed many of the protestors are simply publicity seekers. "They are doing it for no reason. They just want to show off on the TV," he said. "They know, 'if I can get the torch, I can go on the TV for the world news'."

To prove he is sincere, Chan has already recorded a song for the Olympics. Included are the lyrics:

Waiting year after year
We can see into the future
Together with hard work and sweat
We've created the five different colours.

Or, as friends know it; my Verizon ring tone.

Kung Fu Star Jackie Chan To Chop Down Olympic Protesters [Metro.com.uk]
Jackie Chan Records Olympic Ditty [The Register]

Well, the relay has been loads of fun so far, hasn't it? IOC president Jacques Rogge said late Thursday that the Olympics were "in crisis" over the torch relay chaos, but then issued a statement on the IOC site that left many scratching their heads. While saying that protest "is a basic human right," he also went on to state:

But we do ask that there is no propaganda nor demonstrations at Olympic Games venues for the very good and simple reason that we have 205 countries and territories represented, many of whom are in conflict, and the Games are not the place to take political nor religious stances. ... If athletes genuinely want to express their opinion, that's fine. But let's not forget, there is also the right not to express an opinion."

So that's um, vague. You should lay down more explicit guidelines, Jacques. Otherwise when the 1600 meter relay anchor comes speeding across the finish line dressed as a Tibetan monk, don't come crying to me.

Meanwhile, the Chinese government says that the torch will pass through Tibet as planned, and that everyone should remain calm; all is well!

Also, here's video of torch bearer Majora Carter in San Francisco on Wednesday, who was tossed out of the relay by police for waving a Tibetan flag as she ran. Hey, at least she saw the torch. Thousands of people were there all day — some coming from as far away as China — and never saw it once.

Olympic Torch Lands In Buenos Aires [TheAge.com.au]
Mayor Says Olympic Torch Should Bypass Tibet [SFGate]
Freedom Of Expression Is A Basic Human Right [IOC Official Site]

No joyous celebration of Olympic unity here. Following the opening ceremony, the torch was shuttled by bus to several undisclosed locations throughout the city before being whisked back to San Francisco International Airport and sent packing to Argentina. Hey, didn't they do that with former Nazis during the Cold War? Goodbye, torch: It was a powerful experience, even though I never actually saw you.

The torch was supposed to set off from McCovey Cove at 1 p.m., but by about 10:30 there were already 8,000 or so demonstrators packed into the area around At&T Park, and that made Newsom absolutely freak. Fearing that his elaborately arranged hairdo might get ruffled, he took evasive action, staging a series of sporadic mini-runs throughout the city. This delighted the Chinese government, but practically no one else. So, with no torch to look at, the different factions amused themselves by screaming at each other.

Witness my marginal photography skills here.

The pro-Tibet and pro-Chinese factions were supposed to have been separated on opposite sides of King Street, but soon began intermingling with little or no notice by the police. A few scuffles broke out, but it mostly remained peaceful, if loud. One thing I discovered is that the Chinese consider it the greatest form of debate tactic to stand near an opponent and beat loudly on a gong. The louder the gong, the more he he feels he is winning the argument. The blowing of whistles is also an effective way to get your point across. And when all else fails, scream confusing chants into an electric megaphone.

Overall impressions of Wednesday? A little bit of a letdown, and I'm a little ashamed, actually. Here we are, supposed to be this bastion of free speech, and at the first sign of trouble we become French. Oh, we've got to hide the torch because there might be trouble. Don't they know that we thrive on trouble? San Francisco was constructed with the stuff; built with controversy, brick by brick. The people who came out on both sides of the Olympic embroglio did their part to hold up the tradition on Wednesday, but local government let us down. On Wednesday we might as well have been Des Moines.

Torch Kept From Demonstrators, Rushed Away [MSNBC]
Torch Protest Photos
Obama Urges Bush To Consider Beijing Boycott [MSNBC]

The relay will begin at AT&T Park and go for six miles along the waterfront, unless they change the route at the last minute. I'll be there, and if there's trouble I'm sure Will can provide bail (it's not like he hasn't had to do that with Daulerio enough times). Joining me will be the fine folks at Fan IQ, including the protest-minded 100 Percent Injury Rate, who may or may not have booze hidden on his person. Join us, if you're in the neighborhood. It could end up being the first Deadspin Pants Party held in jail.

Meanwhile, the IOC announced that it will meet on Friday and discuss whether the Torch Relay will be scrapped, both for this year and in future Olympics.

IOC president Jacques Rogge did not rule out the option of suspending or scrapping part of the relay, although most Olympic officials are opposed to such a move and Beijing organizers have vowed to go to the end. The torch relay has been disrupted in Greece, Istanbul, London and Paris by protesters opposed to China's policies in Tibet and overall human rights record. The torch relay is expected to end in mainland China on May 4.The Beijing Olympics start Aug. 8.

Here's the scheduled route.

But really, my only hope for this event is that Flamy shows up. That would make it a success.

Discord Follows Olympic Torch Relay To USA [MSNBC]
IOC Will Consider Stopping International Leg Of Olympic Torch Relay [Los Angeles Times]
San Francisco Is Already More Than Prepared To Take On The Olympic Torch [Fan IQ]
SF Treats Torch Run As A Hot Potato [SF Gate]
Introducing Tony Dungy's Least Favorite Sports Mascot [Deadspin]
Olympic Torch Relay Proceeding Smoothly So Far [Deadspin]