Update: Apparently, Time Warner also promoted yesterday's Celtics/Knicks matchup as a Chris Duhon and Shelden Williams reunion. If you see anymore evidence of pro-Duke bias from your TV's program guide, please forward because that's really weird.

The group doesn't have a name yet — Redick mentioned "Sub-Par," "Afterthought," and "No-Profits" as possibilities — but they have their first single. Or most of it, anyway.

The chorus has been written and the first verse and the direction we're heading on the song has to deal with ‘waste management,'" Redick elaborated.

The song is called, of course, "Waste Management," and he hopes to release it by the end of the year, with an album to follow. May I suggest some potential titles?

•Dukiestyle
•Get Benched Or Die Tryin'
•Please Redick Don't Miss 'em
•Fear Of A White Two-Guard
•Suckonia
•Life After Duke
•It's Dark And Orlando Is Hot

Orlando Magic's JJ Redick Releasing Rap Album [AllHipHop.com]

Just before the Lakers came back and stomped Disney World's heart into oblivion, two little ladies having, presumably, a Cosmo-fueled good time decided to take full advantage of their seat locations behind Mark Jackson. Then one fell:

And this is how reality shows on Bravo come to life.

Update: Here's a better version courtesy of Yardbarker.

****

Good morning. It's Friday. Show your swords.

Prolific contrarian Allen Barra had a column in yesterday's paper in which he not only addressed the fact that Stan Van Gundy's looks fall somewhere south of the Greek ideal (maybe you've heard), but suggested that his average appearance was actually drawing in fans.

Stocky — the uncharitable might say portly — and with a mustache that appears to be borrowed from Dr. Phil, Mr. Van Gundy is pretty much indifferent to fashion and can often be seen courtside in a simple dark jacket and pullover knit shirt. His confrontational style owes more to perspiration than inspiration; his uncoiffed hair is tousled by the end of the game, as it was during Sunday night's thrilling overtime loss to the Lakers in the NBA finals.

[...]

But despite the absence of marquee superstars on the Magic, the ratings for the first two games of the finals have been surprisingly good, and early indications are that fans are finding a working-class hero in Orlando's coach.

OK, well, that's just ridiculous, not least because Barra seems to think so-so looks and an indifference to style are exclusively the domains of the working class. Most people identify with ugly (but fabulously wealthy) pro coaches just as much as they do with good-looking (but fabulously wealthy) pro coaches, which is to say, not at all.

But then Barra goes and talks to Pat Riley and things get really stupid. Maybe Riles feels guilty over stealing Van Gundy's first championship and wants to say nice things. Or maybe he, like every coach ever, thinks the job matters far more than it really does:

Mr. Riley, for whom Mr. Van Gundy served as a longtime assistant coach at Miami, calls him "the most important acquisition Orlando ever made. More than any single player, he's the one who turned the franchise around."

This story is as old as Clair Bee, and it isn't any truer now than it was back in those days. Coaches just aren't that important — James Naismith said as much. Far more important is having a very tall, very athletic man who can score 21 points on six shots. Enough about the guy in the bad suit.

UPDATE: Mr. Barra responds:

This is Allen Barra replying to Tommy Craggs. My piece in the Wall Street Journal was not, as you imply, a round table discussion on the brilliance of the coach. I did not, as you suggest, imply that Stan Van Gundy's "average appearance was actually drawing in fans." I did not suggest that "so-so looks and an indifference to style are exclusively the domains of the working class." These are things you seem to want to have a confrontation about with someone and chose to distort what I wrote in order to have that confrontation. I did not say these things, and I did not imply them.

I did describe Stan Van Gundy's appearance — accurately, I think — and quoted his brother, Jeff, to the effect that no one would confuse either of them with Brad Pitt. If you disagree with this, I'm afraid you'll have to take up the matter with Angelina Jolie.

My assessment of Stan Van Gundy as a working class hero was based at least in part on his own statement that he'd like to find a small school and "settle there."

I did suggest that people were tuning in after a lopsided Lakers win because they were identifying with Van Gundy's animated style. If I'm wrong, you will please tell me which charismatic superstars on the Orlando Magic people were tuning in to watch.

Finally, if Pat Riley's assessment of Van Gundy — that he turned the Orlando franchise around — is "really stupid" and that "coaches just aren't that important," please take time to present a reasoned argument instead of using the typical internet loud-mouth mode of yelling that something is so because you say it is so.

The Magic's Coach Just Looks Ordinary [WSJ]

The Magic coach's tendency for bug-eyed screams is a popular talking point pre-Finals and it turns out that Shaq's "master of panic" label wasn't that far from the truth. Stan Van admits he's often stricken with an awful case of the spazzies, but it's just because he always feels like his job is never,ever done. He's also trying to limit his Diet Pepsi intake to four cans per day, according to USA Today:

I'm just always worried. Making sure we're prepared for everything. You don't get any time to enjoy it or get any satisfaction out of it. When one game is over, you immediately move on to the next one.

Even if your self-induced angst has transformed you into Serena Williams. Hope it's worth it.

*****

Good morning. It's Thursday. Throwback Philly.

Fans tend to get annoyed by the fair-weather dorks who suddenly become experts in the local sports franchise the moment they win two consecutive playoff games, and I certainly sympathize with that. But sometimes you've got to cut the locals some slack. When you're gunning for a championship, manufactured enthusiasm from your friends and co-workers is better than snooty indifference. But the new guys should make an effort to not embarrass themselves when the National Media tries to interview them on the street, so I applaud the Sentinel's efforts to educate the populace. Even if they seriously discount the supposed basketball intelligence of Central Florida.

Here's some sample questions from the "getting to know your basketball team" Q&A:

• Why is there a 24-second clock over the basketball hoop?
• What does "in the paint" mean?
• The announcer shouts something about scoring off the dribble. What does "off the dribble" mean?
• You may have noticed a number of NBA players have their heads adorned with headbands (no matter how dorky they look). None of the Orlando Magic players wears them. Is that by choice?
• I thought goal tending was a position in soccer. It's not?
• Is a technical foul really technical?
• What's the deal with the one sleeve worn by some players?

Actually, I've been wondering about that last one for awhile now.

New to the Orlando Magic bandwagon? Here's a guide for new fans [Orlando Sentinel]

I hate to skewer columnists from regional newspapers unless they really, really deserve it, but this is one of the lamest goddamn things I've ever read in my entire life. (Also in play here: it's too nice outside for me to be sitting here on this couch, so I might be more annoyed by that more than anything else. I'm aware of this. Moving on...)

Now Orlando isn't used to winning at championship level on a regular basis so the premise of penning a seminal column to commemorate such an occasion is one most of its writers are probably ill-equipped to bang out on short deadline. I still pity the Magic fans left with this putrid crap for their championship scrap books. This column has it all: tired cliches, rhapsodic platitudes, rhymes, autistic children as good luck charms, emphasis by way of silly repetition, horrible puns, and imaginary curses.

Oh and column title: "Magic Task: Beat LA!" Of course it is.

Here are some of the more noteworthy snippets of uninspired shit-stained ugh:

•"LeBron is LeGone and now the Orlando Magic - your Orlando Magic, our Orlando Magic, the entire sports world's Orlando Magic - are going to the NBA Finals."

• "You heard me: the Magic are going to the NBA Finals"

• "Witness this: Orlando Magic 103, Cleveland LeBrons 90?"

• "I'm sorry, who was the MVP?"

• "So long, all the jokes and jabs about Orlando being a Mickey Mouse franchise that once hired a hockey player to run a basketball team."

• "Mission accomplished."

•" It's been a long time since we felt this way about the Magic. Too long. Too many years, too many tears, too-many-crying-in-our-beers. We've endured the abandonment of Shaq and the desertion of T-Mac. We've experienced Weisbrod the bad cop and Billy with his flip-flop."

• "Let's make 7-year-old Gina Marie Incandela, the little autistic girl who sang the national anthem Saturday night, the official good luck charm of the city. The Magic are now a perfect 6-0 when she sings."

• "What about Orlando's tortured sports past? What about the Magic losing the biggest free-agent departure (Shaq) in sports history and signing the biggest free-agent bust ( Grant Hill) in sports history? What about Penny's palace coup? And who will ever forget that sad, depressing day when the Orlando Solar Bears folded?"

• "Say good night to LeBron vs. Kobe."

• "LeBron is LeGone."

• "Bring on the Lakers."

• "California, here they come."

Now let me go grab some lunch before I start opening up my own forehead with two salad forks. (Sorry for linking to that again.)

Magic Task: Beat LA! [Orlando Sentinel]

Remember those days when the Cavaliers weren't going to lose before the NBA Finals? It looked like Cleveland had finally gotten back on track — can you get back on track after one loss? — last night against Orlando in the first half, but then it just about blew the game when Hedo Turkoglu swished a 15-foot runner with 1.0 seconds left.

Ballgame, Magic. We're headed to Orlando!

All of the sad, young, LeBron-loving men were on the verge of tears until... well, you know.

And that slow motion, black-and-white video was only topped in melodrama by the lede from the AP game story:

Michael Jordan no longer has the most famous buzzer-beater in Cleveland sports history.

The Shot has been topped.

LeBron James made one better.

But yeah, it was pretty cool. Amazing, even. And now we have a series.

LeBron James 3-pointer For The Win [Sad Fans]
James' dramatic buzzer-beater drops Magic [ESPN]

*****

Good Saturday morning. Big sports day today: NBA and NHL playoffs, MLB interleagues, Duke Lacrosse! Yeah, the intern's got the keys to this place today, and I'm taking it for a joyride. Buckle up for some hoodrat things. Here's to hoping nothing breaks.

The Cavaliers had been sitting for eight days after sweeping the first two rounds, but that didn't seem to matter when they rolled out to a 15-point lead in the first half. Then the second half happened, and somehow when the final buzzer sounded LeBron and company were not ahead on the scoreboard. What the....?

Well, for starters, Rashard Lewis made his three pointers and then Dwight Howard started breaking things, while everyone else on the home team not named James did not. LeBron had 49, which sounds really good, but down one with 10 seconds to go, he gave up the ball and didn't get it back. Then he limped off the court, defeated, and that's why he's not Michael Jordan yet. Cleveland only lost two games at home all year, but now the home court advantage belongs the Magic and everyone should panic right now! They might actually have to do some work to win this thing.

Cavaliers finally face test and come up short [NBA]
Dwight Howard Dunks and Pulls Down the Shot Clock [The Hoop Doctors]

I'm cutting it short today. It's a super slow news day and I'd like to take a power nap before tonight's game. Thanks to Spud for coming up huge yesterday.

Anyway, anybody ever see Dan Deacon before? If not, I highly recommend you go see one of his shows. A little too bleep-bloop-bleep-blap for my usual taste but the guy puts on a helluva spectacle. Just remember to load up on the psychedelics and amphetamines.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin even on shitty Sundays.

Say what you will about these Garnett-less Boston Celtics, but you can't deny that they've managed to make their playoff series' compelling. Momentum's back with the Green Team after Big Baby Davis cock-blocked the Magic out of taking a 3-1 series lead with his three-point heave. Still no word on the condition of the young Magic fan whose front-court seats managed to get him shoved out of the way during Big Baby's "You better know about me!" celebration.

Imposing Man, Even Bigger Shot [Boston.com]