De La Hoya led a remarkable career, I guess, even though I cannot recall a single memorable thing that he did at any point in his life, besides maybe winning a gold medal at the Olympics (Atlanta? Barcelona?) and wearing fishnets. I'm not a boxing expert, obviously, but I assume that every one of his important fights was broadcast on pay-per-view or a cable channel that I did not get, which it means it might as well not have happened. I still miss Wide World of Sports. Anyway, congratulations on a job ... done.

Emotional De La Hoya announces retirement [Reuters]

* * * * *

Well, gang, that it's for me. I'm off the rest of the week (immigration issues), but I'm sure there will be capable hands to guide you gently into the mid-April swing. Or maybe chaos will rule the day and the whole world will burn. Either way, my conscious is clear.

Thank you for your continued support of bears and Bear-related comedy.

While the action in the ring was certainly a surprise, the night as a whole was entirely anti-climactic. The three young stars lined up on the undercard each breezed through their matches leaving a huge gap in the coverage that had to be filled with banter between Jim Lampley and Larry Merchant, and that is never a good thing. As for the main event, it could best be described as, well, kind of sad. Pacquiao sent de la Hoya into retirement with authority, although it's hard to give the world's best (active) fighter too much credit, because his opponent was so awful on this night.

For Pacquiao, the world is his oyster, to be consumed as he sees fit. Manny can pretty much make any fight he wants, and in his choice of weight classes to boot. The ideal scenario for boxing fans (and Manny's bank account) would be for the previous pound-for-pound champion, one Floyd Mayweather Jr. to come out of retirement for what would be a real dream match.

While Oscar's days in the ring are over, he'll remain a fixture in the boxing world thanks to his savvy as a business man. Hopefully now that his own career is coming to an end he and his company will begin to focus on the bevy of talented young fighters on the landscape that have been woefully under-promoted to date instead of relying on the stars of a previous generation to pay the bills.

On a side note, check out Pacman's shoes! Those things are fucking hot, and I'm sure Imelda Marcos approves. A friend of mine, and fellow sneakerhead, has a theory that the man with the better shoes wins every big fight, and for at least one night he was right.

Both fighters surprised pretty much everyone at yesterday's weight in, de la Hoya for weighing a couple of pounds less than expected at 145 and Pacquiao for coming in a couple of pounds more than expected at 142. What this means is that de la Hoya probably pushed himself a bit too far in order to come down in weight for the fight, something Pacquiao's camp noted when he was seen running the track in a plastic suit in recent days. For de la Hoya the big question is going to be conditioning, and whether or not he can hold on in the championship rounds, something that's dogged him in the past.

For Pacquiao coming in at 142 is a pretty clear sign that his camp was concerned over the size difference, and wanted to even things up as much as possible. I have no damn clue how Pacman put on that weight, because as you can see doesn't have any extra flesh on that body despite jumping up two weight classes. Regardless, he may not be quite as fast as we've seen in the past, but he'll still be able to run circles around his competitor.

As for a prediction, frankly I have no damn clue what's going to happen. For months I've been operating on the presumption that de la Hoya is just far too big for Pacquiao, but now that the fight has arrived I'm not so sure. If Pacquiao can keep things close in the first half of the fight he can steal this thing in the final rounds as de la Hoya begins to wilt with age and the effects of his weight loss. Frankly I wouldn't be surprised by any outcome, but for now I'm sticking with de la Hoya in a decision. Because hey, Vegas is more his turn than it is Manny's, and I don't see Pacman doing enough to over the course of the fight to win on points.

If you are planning to order the fight tonight be sure not to miss the lead-in fights, which promise to provide the best action of the evening. The undercard may not be stacked with names recognizable to the casual observer, but promoters Bob Arum and Golden Boy Promotions have included a few of the sports most sensational rising stars in the festivities. So forget about the Big 12 title game (the Okies are going to roll anyways) and tune in to watch the incredible knockout power of guys like "Vicious" Victor Ortiz and Juan Manuel (Juanma) Lopez. Guys like this are the future of the sport, and it's great to see them getting a piece of the spotlight on what's sure to be the biggest pay-per-view event of the year.

For more thoughts on the fight be sure to check out Large's takes at The Sporting Blog and No Mas as well as Tim Starks' ultimate guide to the fight over at Queensberry Rules.

"Now I know why [trainer] Freddie [Roach] said Oscar can't pull the trigger. He really can't pull the trigger. Now he's getting brave with a 135-pound fighter and is trying to convince everyone that is a tough fight. He's getting brave with a great fighter, but a fighter who fights at 135-pounds. He wants to show the world that he can pull the trigger against a 135-pounder! What a man! What a hero! What a businessman! Go ahead Oscar, show the world you can still pull that trigger," Margarito said.

Granted, it may not be the most sophisticated method of matchmaking, but if you're a Mexican fighter who desperately wants a fight date with the overly image conscious Mexican-American your best bet is to question his manhood. Hey, at least he didn't bring up the infamous fishnet pictures like his manager, Sergio Diaz. Come on Sergio, didn't you hear those pictures were "fake"?

It still appears that Oscar is more likely to sign the perfectly safe fight with Sergio Mora while Margarito is left to fight Joshua Clottey for far less money. Of course if the new welterweight champ keeps talking, Oscar will need a better response than he's been giving. Remember Oscar, you're not Paul Williams' promoter, you're still an actual boxer.

• This won't help DC's boxing reputation. The other news in the world of boxing comes from last night's episode of ESPN2's Friday Night Fights in Washington DC, which featured Anthony "The Messenger" Thompson's return to the ring. The former light middleweight prospect took on Ishmail Arvin in his first action in over a year since losing a split decision to the undefeated Yuri Foreman at Madison Square Garden. Thompson looked pretty solid considering his time off, and he was having his way with the over-matched Arvin before a clash of heads created a nasty cut over Thompson's left eye in the third round. He continued to batter Arvin, but eventually the fight was correctly stopped before further damage was inflicted on the rather grotesque injury.

The problem was that the referee never saw the headbutt. Instead Malik Waleed ruled the cut the result of a punch, so instead of going to the cards - which would presumably give Thompson the much needed win - the fight was ruled a TKO victory for Arvin. At one point the referee was even watching the replay on the ringside monitors courtesy of ESPN's confounded broadcasting team of Joe Tessitore and Shannon Briggs. Then Jason Turner, the head of the DC Boxing Commission, got in the ring and he took a closer look at the replay before somebody remembered that there is no instant replay in boxing. Because the referee ruled the cut as the result of punch they ruled it a TKO, but perhaps the better decision would have been to rule the fight a no contest after all of that post-fight consternation.

Margarito Swings Back at De La Hoya, Answers Williams via Bad Left Hook

Margarito Lobbies Venemously For De La Hoya, While Oscar Turns To Mora

Follow along in the comments if you're watching at home, I'll be back on with any crucial updates and an eventual result. The bet of the night is going Over on the round total of 9.5 at roughly 2/1. Forbes has always been game, and Oscar isn't in his prime either, but he shouldn't have problems stopping the challenger before the night gets too far along. Afterall, this is just a warmup for the Money rematch.

There's something about guys dressing in drag that, for whatever reason, is frowned upon. Oscar De La Hoya could've easily played his kinky fishnet outfit off as a mere lark: he's just a puppy-faced fellow, who after a flight of tequila shots, has no problem dressing up in a giant hairnet and heels. No big deal, really. Everyone's done it before. Sometimes, even the most virile of men cannot resist the temptation to squeeze into something spicy.

The difference between Oscar De La Hoya and most other recreational transsexuals is that they don't deny it. If it's an isolated incident, it's something that's laughed about later and forgotten about quickly. But, De La Hoya's staunch denial about the incident, plus all of those rumored intimidating phone calls to the dim-witted Scores dancer who gave the photos up and the legal threats, suggest that he's hiding a very, very dark secret.

This is where it gets interesting. We all know athletes become much more appealing if they have a little stink on them. Beneath all of that skill, money, fame, it's nice to know there runs a current of torment, a greasy underbelly that has to be concealed for presentation purposes.

There are so many who fit the profile.

So this week, I'm polishing up my ben-wah balls, purchasing a one way ticket to Taiwan and the Mets fucking suck.

Line drive hit to left field...here comes Iguchi!

Peyton Manning, Into Animal Fisting: 2/1

He had his Wayne Brady moment on "Saturday Night Live" and showed the world he's not just a cannon-armed bumpkin with a corporate price tag on his back. No, he's a self-deprecating regular guy. He can make fun of himself and mock his altar boy image. That's what makes him human. But what keeps him sane is the drop-to-your-knees adrenaline rush one gets inserting a clenched fist inside the wanting anal cavity of a four-legged friend. Be it a bucking horse, a baby calf, a small housecat, or, one time, an unsuspecting howler monkey, Peyton does not discriminate. If there's an opening, he's going in. Cut that meat, indeed.

Derek Jeter, Huge Partial Unbirthing Enthusiast: 3/1

Derek Jeter, for all his potato-faced handsomeness, has always had an odd head of hair. What happens if it ever grows out? Is it Hebrew nap, or brother fro? Or is it worse, like a raging case of the dreaded noggin pube? However, the reason Derek keeps his hair so awkwardly trimmed is not out of vanity, but sexual proclivity. You see, DJ is part of a small minority of men who can only reach climax if his head his completely inserted into a woman's vagina. (Partial unbirthing, for those who have yet to Google.) This is also why it's tough for Jeter to keep a girlfriend for more than a few months. Even though he's courted many a starlet, most have quickly ended the relationship after the Yankee shortstop came to bed wearing an oily swim cap. The only one he was successfully "unbirthed" has been Mariah Carey, who was very enthusiastic about it — she even invited conjoined twins into the bedroom with them. Derek wasn't into that, so he quickly split. Needless to say, Mariah's eventual vaginal rejuvenation surgery will cost millions.

Matt Holiday, Red Wing Commander: 2/1

The Rockies' torrid playoff run right now is bringing a lot of attention to a team that's lived in relative obscurity since its inception. But after next week, the whole world could be introduced to the Triple Crown-potential of outfielder Matt Holiday. And if there are any ladies lucky enough to be menstruating during that time, well, they could meet Mr. Holiday in a whole new way. Although he's married, it's told that Matt takes out some of his player aggression in the bedroom, executing a myriad of period-friendly sexcapades to placate his constant yearning for the calming warmth of a blood-caked lady flower. And, If some gals play their cards right, they could even get a chance to have Matt execute his patented "Snoopy Snow Cone Machine" on them. Their odds will increase if they already have a mouthful of crushed ice to greet him.

Annika Sorenstam, Eproctophiliac: 1/1

Though she's a darling on the golf course, she's a demon in the bedroom — especially when she gets a face full of flatulence. Sorenstam realized her fetish at a young age, being deflowered by an older man with untreatable digestive problems. Never able to repeat the orgasms she had with her wind-blasting lover, Otto, she quickly realized that she can manufacture them by having her male partner spread his cheeks and beef in her mouth during foreplay. Sorenstam was almost exposed during a the 2003 Master's when her caddie found some of her Fart Hammer pornography collection in her golf bag. The caddie was substantially paid off to keep quiet, but there's more money for him elsewhere if he gives up the details.

Well, the woman who took the photos is speaking up with details of her night with Oscar. They don't involve Photoshop.

The Russian topless dancer who now claims to be a model, tells a UK tabloid that she met De la Hoya at a strip club in New York last year and that "She and three of her pals met him in a series of hotels, on his PRIVATE JET and at his Palm Springs HOME."

She revealed a few of De la Hoya's fetishes, which included: "He once asked all the girls to dress as men so he could play the role of the only woman in the group. The dad-of-four then sat on a chair behind one of them and pretended it was a MOTORBIKE." Milana laughs: "He was acting like a girl on the back, grabbing her round the waist screaming 'Faster! Faster!'."

No word yet if the publicists are considering that photo, as well, a fake. She's pretty tech savvy, for a Russian stripper.

Woman Behind Oscar Pics Revealed [Sports By Brooks]

(UPDATE: Not surprisingly, de la Hoya's people are claiming the photos are fake. We still have our doubts.)

Because of the bad people at Time Warner Cable in New York City, we were unable to order the Mayweather-De La Hoya fight Saturday night — the customer service guy, obviously beaten down by talking to countless frustrated customers like us, actually thanked us for not yelling at him — but from all accounts, it was a thrilling fight that might have been closer than some people realize. But the best part for us, without question, was Mayweather's decision to enter the ring, on Cinco de Mayo, against Oscar de la Hoya, wearing a wearing a huge sombrero. That, friends, takes intestinal fortitude.

Floyd Mayweather Jr. Celebrates Cinco De Mayo [SportsWrap]
Oscar Tries, Floyd Runs, Judges Confused [Rumors And Rants]

Anyway, here are the final three rounds, and then the aftermath.

And you can find the rest here. I suggest you enjoy it as soon as you possibly can.

The second video is included because the post fight interviews are fantastic. The Larry Merchant interview with Floyd Mayweather may be a conversation between the world's most excited man, and the world's most subdued non-comatose man. De La Hoya ends his interview giggling like a schoolgirl, and Merchant pretty much begs both guys not to retire.

While we're all still basking in the glow of that one horse's victory, we've NBA playoffs, including a Game 7, and then Game 1 between arguably the East's two best teams. In addition, there's a Nextel Cup race, NHL playoff action, and of course, De La Hoya vs. Mayweather. Punching each other in the face for an hour is one thing, but a Joy Behar sex tape? Come on, let's keep this civil.

All told, it should make for a pretty lively Up! All Night thread. Have fun with it, ladies and gentlemen. Be safe out there.

Fight After the Fight [Girls Gone Sports]

Finally, after putting it off for a couple of weeks, we sat down and watched all episodes of "De La Hoya/Mayweather 24/7" last night; enough people had told us we were required to take a look that we sucked it up. And we agree with Robert Weintraub from Slate: It is more fun than anything involving boxing has any right to be anymore. It's obviously stilted, and it's promoting a fight that's not going to be nearly as evenly matched as everyone wants it to be, but it's entertaining television, and that's something boxing hasn't been for quite some time.

The fight itself is likely to disappoint, which is a shame, because, as has been pointed out, this is likely the last time boxing will be relevant in the distant future. As Unsilent puts it in his No Mas post, "It's not that I don't like the Golden Boy, I just happen to enjoy watching people punch him." That's what will happen, and then the reality shows will fade and we'll all go back to watching UFC, if you're into that. Or, you know, baseball or something.

Oscar Floyd, Unsilent Edition [No Mas]
The Best Damn Sports Show, Period [Slate]
Boxing Is Almost Down For The Count [ESPN]
(Associated Press photo)

These are the methods preferred by Oscar de la Hoya, though. Between now and his May 5th fight against Manny Pacquiao, Oscar de la Hoya's testicles are going to become very angry. BlackSportsOnline.com spent a week with Oscar and documented his training habits.

3:00 to 4:00 pm - Family time with wife Millie Corretjer. According to one of Oscar's entourage, Oscar enjoys non-ejaculatory sex with wife (rejuvenates the spirit). Freddie Roach does not discourage sexual contact during training as long as the fighter does not climax or reach orgasm. Roach declined to comment on exactly what Oscar does from 3:00pm to 4:00pm but he did share this: "Let's just say, when a fighter is pent up from having sex with no release, this increases his aggression and ferocity in the ring. This is why Manny is champ right now and this is why Floyd Mayweather's getting knocked out on Cinco de Mayo.." He was referring to his other charge, Manny Pacquiao, a ferocious fighter from the Phillipines and current lightweight champ.

Goodness. So he's nicknamed "The Golden Boy" before and during the fight, and "The Fire Hydrant" afterwards. If Manny Pacquiao Floyd Mayweather does indeed get knocked out, I hope he lands on his stomach. God knows what De La Hoya would be desperate enough to try.

Grease Me Up Woman, I'm Going In [Deuce of Davenport]
Mayweather Vs De la Hoya Training Camps [BlackSportsOnline.com]

We won't bore you with entire quotes. But here are the highlights: Mayorga calls De La Hoya "an old lady," and later says "I'll detatch his retina." De La Hoya comes back with "He s throwing fuel at the flame" and "I will knock you out." Then, of course, the shoving commences. And looking on in the background is Don King, who can clearly be seen smiling. And that is the way it should be, we believe. Don King, in the background smiling, is a metaphor for our times. We like to think that King was grinning in the background during most of the world's tragic confrontations — kind of like an evil Forrest Gump. Wasn't that King in the gallery, with a big grin on his face, during Saddam Hussein's rambling denouncement of the Iraqi court? We're pretty sure we saw him.

Mayorga Calls De La Hoya'Clown,' 'Old Lady' [MSNBC]

They hit all the highlights, from Shaq's "Shaq Fu: The Return" — with, sadly, no mention of the Fu-Schnickens — Bronson Arroyo's new album of cover songs (it's good to know people are still into "Plush") and Oscar de la Hoya singing a bunch of stuff in Spanish. We are looking forward to the next batch of records, including the eagerly awaited David Eckstein's "N****a Please" and the R. Kelly/Michelle Wie duet, "Shake Me Slow And Smooth (Like a Butter Putter)."

Athlete/Musicians Drop The Ball [MTV]