The return of Brad Ottens from a midseason bout of osteitis pubis will help, but the Cats cannot rely on one man's groin to arrest their slump. [The Australian]

Face it, their sportswriting is just more lyrical than ours.

Sourav Ganguly will remain suspended from international cricket, but his ban has been reduced from six matches to four. Justice Albie Sachs ruled on Thursday that Ganguly's original punishment for slow over-rates was "too severe." [Cricinfo.com]

Apparently you can get into trouble in cricket for wasting time. We thought that was the whole idea.

Former All Black Andrew Hore faces NZRU disciplinary action after conviction in court for his role in the death of a protected fur seal. [Scrum.com]

Ah yes, we're familiar with this. Have you seen Brett Favre's freezer? Full of walrus meat.

Redneck Games Photo Gallery [Yahoo News]

Brian Lara Streaker Removed From Field [Pro-G] (via Bad Jocks]

Lance Armstrong [Official Site]

· The three time champion Paul Beech is a "recycler." His wife, Heather Beech, won the women's title. Their wedding night must have been a kick. (So to speak.)
· Mr. Beech's nickname is the "Toeminator."
· Members of the World Toe-Wrestling Organization (WTWO) have previously applied for Olympic status. Didn't fly.
· (Here's our favorite.) The sport was invented in the '70s so that a game could exist in which Brits would be successful. Mission accomplished!

World Toe Wrestling Championships [BBC News]

The only difficulty was keeping score with a bunch of players kicking an imaginary ball they called "Harry." (Sorry. Sorry. Really.)

Italy Wins Homeless World Cup [Scotsman]
Homeless World Cup: In Pictures [BBC News]

Therefore he found a silver lining to injuries that have ruled out flanker McCaw, first five-eighth Carter, fullback Leon MacDonald, second five-eighth Aaron Mauger — all from last week — and longer term problems with prop Carl Hayman and hooker Anton Oliver. [Scrum.com]
(We can just hear young Clive after his first rugby tryout. "Mom! They made me a hooker!")

It was nice but the platform was set. Straussy and Tres really got over that hard part with Lee and McGrath and the ball seaming about. Coming in at 100 for 0, there was no real pressure on the run-rate. You can't complain — and we just cantered over the line. [Cricinfo.com]
(We got used to the curveball and were so far ahead there was no real pressure. Ah, tea break. Cheers.)

The accident, which saw (Adelaide defender Graham) Johncock crash into two cars, happened early Monday morning and he has been charged with police for driving without care, making a false report to police by claiming his car was stolen and failing to truly answer police questions. [AFL.com]
(Some things are just universal).

We've been playing around with this site for a while, and we keep coming back to the schedule, or, as the site puts it, Here tis the ofishal skedyule! Events include:

Hubcap Hurl
Armpit Serenade
Buttcrack Competition
Bobbin' For Pigs Feet

At the end, there are of course fireworks, a.k.a., "throwing things in the air and shooting them."

Summer Redneck Games [Ofishal Site]

Warne, whom the British tabloids have been tracking for years, is being divorced by his wife after he was nailed for cheating on his her for the umpteenth time. This in itself is not necessarily newsworthy; athletes, we hear, are known to sleep around a bit, maybe, not sure. But the story here is pretty amazing.

Apparently, Warne met Laura Sayers, a 25-year-old London financial student, in a club last week, and "propositioned" her. It didn't quite turn out as he planned.

Warne was with his county team-mate, England star Kevin Pietersen. A friend of Laura's was going out with Pietersen and she turned up to make up the numbers. Laura said she didn't even know who he was when he introduced himself in a swanky private members' bar.

She said: "My friend was dating Kevin and they invited me out. They introduced me to their friend Shane, but I don't follow cricket and had no idea who he was.

"The first thing he said was: 'How about a foursome?' Shane laughed but I told him off and was quite offended. I thought, who is this creep?"

After moving to Umbaba nightclub and drinking until the early hours, Kevin and Laura's friend decided to go back to Kevin's London flat.

Laura said: "Shane said he was going back with them and asked me to come. We were just going as a group so I went along. When we got there, Shane and I left Kevin and my friend alone. Shane made it clear he wanted to get laid. I told him I didn't want to, but he was persistent.

"He left me in the lounge and went into the bedroom and called out for me to join him. I walked into the bedroom but I told him I wasn't interested in having sex with him. He took off all his clothes and I asked him if he had a condom, I guessed he didn't, so I thought that would be the end of it."

Laura said Shane ran out of the room and returned with a condom. She added: "When he came back I just gave in."

She said Warne failed to put in a match-winning performance under the covers. She said: "He's a bit chubby, but he's quite fit. It was all over very quickly and he wasn't very well-endowed. He just wanted to get laid."

Why can't this ever happen in America? We mean, honestly.

Shane's Shame [London Mirror]

That said, it's impossible not to be happy for tiny Asian man Kozo Haraguchi this morning, who yesterday set the world record in the 100-meter "dash" for men aged 95-99. His time was 22.04 seconds. His quote is precious:

"I ran, thinking I shouldn't fall because everyone was cheering for me. I will keep working as hard as possible."

We suppose that's what really matters when you're 95 years old and running a sprint: If you can make it without falling, odds are pretty good you're going to set some sort of record.

Haraguchi Breaks 100m Track World Record [ChinaView]

Sorry. We're just saying; you never have to look far.

Scripps Spelling Bee [Official Site]

There are some fun ones too. You have Parachuting, which of course will never make it past the drug screening. Then there's Dancesport, which has different divisions of Standard, Latin and Rock n' Roll. Don't forget Tug of War, Orienteering, Casting and something called "Korfball." (Apparently it's like soccer with softball and basketball and tight shorts.) And we're still a little weirded out by this thing called "Fistball."

The World Games [Official Site]

Thing about Kwan is, well, she always gags in the Olympics. She's always favored, everyone's rooting for her to win — including, usually, the judges — and she has a tendency to, you know, fall down. If Kwan played baseball, she'd be Bill Buckner. We won't lie: The only time we like figure skating is when they fall down and their dreams are shattered, so yeah, we guess we kind of like Michelle Kwan too.

(By the way, Kwan loses big points for making her announcement on the "Today" show.)

Kwan Decides She'll Go For Gold in '06 [Chicago Tribune]

LACROSSE: How to explain this sport? Think of a cross between ice hockey, soccer and, um, butterfly collecting. America's real national pastime, lacrosse was first played by the Oneida Iroquois more than 500 years ago. And, coincidentally, it also strongly resembles America's second-oldest sport — chasing squirrels with a rake. A game played on a football-sized field where players are required to use helmets and run in comical circles, it is the only sanctioned sport where rules allow you to poke your opponent with a stick. And in the women's version, there is no out-of-bounds. I personally have seen women's lacrosse players wandering downtown, claiming they were in the middle of a match. Common terms in lacrosse are "crease," "middies" and "God Damn it, that hurts!" The lacrosse ball, you see, resembles a racquetball, but is solid rubber and can become a deadly missile if thrown properly. Here's to you, lacrosse! After watching two entire matches in person, I still have no idea what your rules are.

Chat With Quint Kessenich! [ESPN.com]
Black List [The Black Table]

Whiskers Go Wild [National Geographic, via SportsFilter]

Red: The Winning Color In Sports [All Headline News]