Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

Would Everyone Please Stop Sliding?

You have to wear sliding shorts if you're going to slide. Have to. A must. Especially if you're wearing shorts.

I got this nice raspberry sliding into second in low level coed playoffs last year. Well, it was more of a flop/bounce than a slide. It's 12 months later and I still have a grapefruit sized lump on my ass cheek. Horseshoe used for comparison's sake.

Hamstrings Are The First To Go

Attached is photos from a guy on our softball team that tore his hamstring just one week ago. He usually plays 2B but our 3B was out so he wanted to play on the hot corner. He actually had a great game. He tore it while catching a foul ball near LF. He took off down the foul line, took his hat off and made a Jim Edmonds like catch. Little did he know though he received a 3rd degree hamstring as well according to a doctor. Hope this makes it.

This Guy Completely Deserves This

Dear Sirs,

Longtime reader, first time submitter. My buddy, let's call him Frankie S. Valenzuela Jr., didn't even slid to render his leg into the likeness of ground hamburger. He slipped rounding 1st base. Luckily, our team managed two runs for his heroics earning us a final score of 20-2. Yup, we were the team that sacrificed our limbs to avoid the shutout.

No, It's Not Softball, But You Should Be Proud

Hey Deadspin...

Big fan of the site, actually all of us here @ the Boomer and Carton Morning Show on WFAN in NY are (Will Leitch was actually a guest on our program back in Feburary). When I saw the picture of the broken ankle on your page it brought back some not so pleasent memories. I broke my ankle back in January of 2007 playing basketball (not softball full disclosure) and here are a couple of nice pictures. On a side note, my wife was 8 months pregnant with our first child at the time, needless to say she was less than thrilled. I currently have a screw and pin holding it together...Good Times...

Again, Not Softball, But His Ingenuity Is Commendable

It is a picture of my right arm in a splint whose purpose is to protect my recently surgically repaired pinkie. And for what reason would I need my pinkie surgically repaired, you might ask? That is simple: I severed two tendons in my pinkie by shattering a glass with my hand following Detroit's third goal in Game 1 of the finals. I went to hit my living room table in frustration, but failing to look before I leaped so to speak, I ended up bringing my fist down on the lip of a glass of water. And I did so with just enough force, at just the right angle, and hit the glass at just the right spot to shatter the glass into a thousand pieces, including the 1 1/2 inch shard that embedded in my hand and severed my tendons.

The whole thing sucks, but I'll tell you, it would almost have seemed worth it if the Pen's had just won the game.

LET'S GO PENS!

Robbie

p.s. Yes, what you are seeing in the picture is a rubber band, two safety pins, and some fishing line that is connected to my pinkie by being looped through my fingernail. This MacGyver shit is supposed to maintain traction (whatever that is) on my pinkie to prevent 'active flexion.' Enjoy!

Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

This Is Why You Shouldn't Wear Sunglasses

It was July 8th, 2008. I don't like softball, I don't play, I wasn't on the team. My friends were short a girl on their co-ed team and begged me to play so they wouldn't have to forfeit. Regretfully, I gave in and said "just this one time, I really don't want to do, but I'll do it." It was my second time around the bases, I was safe at second, turned to look for the ball and the right fielder threw a fast pitch to get me out, the ball hit me centered in my right eye socket and knocked me right over. I had sunglasses on which shattered and caused the stitches. I broke my nose in two places and cracked my orbital floor down the center. I still don't like softball, and will really never play again!

Yaaaaaaaaay!

My cousin and I were sitting on the asphalt baseball field in Thompkins Square Park one afternoon smoking a joint. Just as we finished the field filled with a large group of guys warming up for a softball game. They were playing barehand with one of those big mushy balls. Without realizing it we kind of got sucked in and joined the game. We must have been incredibly high because it wasn't until we warmed up for a while and split into teams that we realized we were playing with a bunch of retards. Literally. They weren't completely spastic, but they were definitely a little off. I guess what you call high functioning.

We split up and each of us took one team. The game was pretty good, actually, as the mushy ball and powerful skunk evened the playing field a bit. The best part, though was the bench chatter. I called out "C'mon, just make contact!" to one of my hitters. One of the kids next to me heard that and started repeating it. Again and again. Soon the whole bench picked it up and everyone started yelling it at the hitter. And the next hitter. My team was still yelling for the hitter to "just make contact" when they were playing the field. They made up for any real grasp of the game with their enthusiasm. Later we all had fun when I introduced them to such classics as "Pitcher has a rubber arm" and "Hitter takes the short bus", both of which they chanted enthusiastically.

This Girl's A Gamer

It was the end of the fourth inning and we were tied with the apposing team. I was catcher as always because I am possibly the worst softball player to have ever attempted this game. With ever ball that came my way I would jump out of the way and run to get the rolling ball that passed me. Unfortunately this time there was no moving out of the way. The batter swung and the ball ricocheted of off the bat making a b-line for me face. Not really knowing what had just happened I went, picked up the ball and threw it back to the pitcher and got back in my "catching" stance. At this point I started bleeding from where the stitches had broken the skin above my eyebrow. Everyone was frozen in place by what had just happened and that I was oblivious to it. One of the guys in outfield said that the sound it made when it hit my face was the same as when the ball hit the bat. Although a few advised me to sit out the rest of the game I played until the end. After all I wanted to make sure that I played a part (although minor) in winning. We ended up winning the game along with the championship that night. The next day I ended up going to the ER where I was told that I had a concussion and would need surgery. I am still waiting for my surgery
date (it's not life or death, just a few fractured bones) but they say it will be a 6 hour procedure. At least we won... right?

Stretch Out More Next Time

I handled running from the bar to the softball fields with 2 mins to spare with no problem. Leading off and trying to beat out a throw to first was a bit more of an issue. 4-Days after a pulled hammy attached.

Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

Tim's Nose Is Also A Gamer

Here's some pics of my buddy Tim after he took on an outfield fence and lost. Tim is what the softball community will call a "gamer", a softball junkie. He lied to the park district about his age so he could play when he was 16 and has been playing year-round for 20 years since(Dekalb has an indoor softball park). He can wear a different pair of softball pants for every game of the season. Tim is also the player that is not afraid to crash into a wall to make a catch.

Thursday night is mens 12" slow-pitch softball in Dekalb, IL. Last night was just the second game of the season. It was a deep fly to left-center and Tim goes back on it. He makes the nice catch and immediately crashes face first into the eight foot high chain-link fence. He held on to the ball until he hit the ground. Your move, Rick Ankiel. The pics are from the morning after the trip to the ER, complete with stitches and exposed cartilage. As I'm typing this the doctor is checking the x-rays to see if anything is broken. Oh yeah, no alcohol was involved, just nicotine. He has some pics on his phone that are from before the trip to the ER. I am anxiously awaiting those and will send them along as soon as I get them. I haven't talked to Tim yet but I imagine he's whistling through his nose while he talks, a la Jim Carrey from Me Myself and Irene. Enjoy!

The Smallest Victory

A few years ago some buddies and I started a softball team called the "Fuckin A's" and god did we ever suck. As a matter of fact we only managed one victory for the season. We arrived at the field and started warming up when the league commissioner showed up and informed us that our opponents would be forfeiting the game because they were attending a funeral. See, it turned out that a couple of the guys on the team were killed in a tragic boating accident and the rest of their teammates were mourning them at the wake. This was an awful way to get a win, and now we feel bad about it, but at the time it was our first victory of an already long season so we celebrated like we had just won the World Series.

At Least You Kept Your Glove Down

I have actually played ball all my life.. I was playing shortstop and took bad hop.. A really bad hop. This was the result.. Small concussion and lots of blood!

You Only Need One Eyebrow

I have been playing on a recreational softball team with a league in Santa Monica for three seasons. I am not very good, but I am friends with the team, so they don't complain too much about my lack of skills. I went to the batting cages, with one of my friends, in order to improve my skills at bat. I was finally hitting the ball consistently when I hit a foul ball straight up into my face. The ball hit my sunglasses, which cut open the area above my eyebrow and the ball gave me a black eye. But I have to say, ever since that day I have been able to hit the ball, which I had never done before. And I got some softball "street cred" if you will.

At Least He Married Her After This

My buddies wife (then GF) decided to play SB with work. No experience, but they needed a catcher. 1st game , 3rd inning, play at the plate.

Did not catch ball with glove, but with nose. Noses are not meant to catch softballs, hence its breaking. Wish I had a pic after a few days, her left eye was red , not just bloodshot, straight up RED.

First up, Manchester United midfielder Darren Fletcher bashed himself in the head with a bathroom door.

Said the staffer, "It seems that there was something seriously wrong with the toilet door. I don't know if fittings had come loose or what - but when Darren went to open the door, it came away and clobbered him. It was a nasty wound but it could have been worse."

But Kaz Matsui has him beat; he's gonna miss 4-5 days because of anal fissures. Yikes, bonzai.

Darren Fletcher Gets Attacked By A Bathroom Door [FanIQ]
Updates On Matsui, Loretta [Houston Chronicle]

To avoid being drafted into the South Korea army, 92 soccer players purposely dislocated their shoulders. It didn't work out that well.

The players, including 15 professional K-League players, dislocated their shoulders by methods such as swinging their arms while holding heavy weights or having fellow players jump on their shoulders.



Local media said if they are found guilty, they will most likely have to perform community service for two years, but some could be forced into the military or sent to jail.

That's unfortunate, though we have no doubt whatsoever that a couple of those players acted like someone jumped on their shoulders, and winced and screamed in pain regardless.

These Draft Dodging Tips Brought To You By South Korean Soccer Players [Lion In Oil]

It's worth noting that Neil Rackers might be the worst clutch kicker in football; that's now four game-winning kicks he has missed in the last 13 months. When you play for the Buzzsaw, you can't miss those, particularly when they're 32 freaking yards. Though it didn't help that, on second down, they lost five yards (and a successful kick) on a delay of game penalty. After that, it was a matter of time until Kurt Warner's comically small hands muffed a play deep in the end zone. Our favorite quote was from Coach Whisenhunt afterwards, about the delay of game penalty: "The clock ran out fast," Whisenhunt said. "That's my fault." Time expires faster than usual in the vortex that is the Pink Taco.

The Buzzsaw went from a potential tie atop the NFC West — and a clear lead in the wild-card race — to being two games out with a smoking hot Browns team coming in next week. And we start all over again. When's baseball season again?

Same Old Story For Cards [Arizona Republic]

At Blake High School in Washington, D.C., a player slipped a little surprise in his handshake.

In single file, Magruder's players and coaching staff met their Blake counterparts at the 50-yard line, shaking hands and mumbling a cursory "good game." About halfway through, Miller said, things went awry.

One after another, three Magruder players felt a dull pain in the palms of the right hands and saw blood dripping. A Blake player, who was not in uniform, allegedly carried a small folding knife and cut the hands of three players, who didn't realize their wounds until a couple of seconds later.

Blake had just lost 55-7, which might explain some of the rancor. If you don't think Bill Belichick is seeing this and taking notes, well, you should probably think that.

Handshake Incident Stuns Colonels [Washington Post]

We were talking to someone yesterday about why homemade videos were so compelling, even when nothing all that exciting happens in them. We think it's because, from the second we start watching, we get the sense that the people involved in the video think there's nothing interesting about their video at all. They're just filming the same dumb normal boring stuff we all go through on a daily basis. But when a video, like this one, or Super Trampoline Basketball, or those Penn State fans, makes it to us, there's a moment of anticipation, an immediate sense, before anything has even happened, that this must be special, considering it somehow filtered its way to us. It's self-governing, this forwarding of funny videos, and we think it's made office life more tolerable over the last two years, since it started happening. If a bit more painful.

This is what happens when you sign up obsessive compulsive cheerleaders; those banners can never ... quite ... be clean ... enough.

Wait Guys! There's Something Wrong With The Banner........Oh No...... [Awful Announcing]

Five kids in Michigan have confessed to sabatoging a football field before an upcoming game ... with toothpicks!

State police say five students are responsible for planting thousands of toothpicks in a high school football field. The students from Oscoda confessed to sticking about 5,000 toothpicks in the Tawas Area High School turf last week.

Players warming up for a game against Alcona noticed the toothpicks, which forced the game to be moved 37 miles north to Alcona County.

This explains pretty much every time we've watched Rex Grossman go back to pass.

Students Confess To Planting Toothpicks [MLive] (via The Wizard Of Odds)

OK, fine: Actually, this was the best we could find.

Although no official timetable can be set until after his surgery it appears that Brand could miss the rest of the calendar year. In the meantime the Clippers are going to have to figure out how to win the occasional game without their leading scorer and rebounder. The one tiny bit of good news is that the Clippers recently spent their first round draft pick on a dynamic combo-forward from the ACC named Al Thornton. He should be able to step into the lineup immediately but there's no chance he can come close to Brand's levels of production.

If I were Brand I'd head back to Duke for the surgery. I still remember the incredible recovery he made from a broken foot back in college. That Duke hospital is like Lourdes for the lower extremities.

via SPORTSbyBROOKS

This video has made the YouTube rounds for the last week, but it's still a hilarious answer to the question: What happens if, during a dunk contest, the dunker uses a human prop to jump over ... but doesn't quite clear it?

This is from some Lithuanian dunk contest, and this woman should probably just keep her distance from the basketball court for a while. We probably would.

YouTube Of Girl Getting Owned In Lithuanian Dunk Contest [SportsByBrooks]

From With Leather comes this brutal video of ski jumper — who will surely be beaten for his poor performance — Jan Mazoch having a little difficult with his jump over the weekend. He's currently in stable condition, which seems like too facile a word for what happens in this video.

Walk It Off, Dude [With Leather]
Ice Jumping Seems To Be Rather Important In Norway [Deadspin]