The ocean is teeming with killer sharks, apparently. Luckily I never venture outside of the basement.

Veteran surfer Tim West, 25, and a friend were paddling about an eighth a mile off shore about 5 p.m. Wednesday when a shark came up underneath his board and went on the attack. "This is where it hit, majorly with the tooth still in it," West said while pointing to his damaged board. "It hit pretty hard. Then there are pressure dings in the top from the top jaw."

The signs should read 'Beaches closed, by order of Amity PD.' And let Polly do the printing.

Assistant San Mateo County Harbor Master Matt MacDonell said the details of the attack make him believe West had a run-in with a great white shark. "So what happened to him is the shark came up, bite the board, knocked him off the board," he said. "It took the board as if it was its dinner…It trashed with the board and then because it didn't taste any blood — it spit the board out."

Here's a closer look at the tooth embedded in West's board. Comical West quote: "I'm thinking eBay. Dude, I might do that. At first I wanted to just fix it and ride it again, but if I could sell for it two grand, I could get like four new boards."

Pillar Point is home to the Mavericks Surf Competition, which should be very interesting this year indeed.

Shark Attack At Famed Mavericks [KTVU2]
Surfer Attacked By Great White Shark At Mavericks [Surfer Magazine]

Most intriguing aspect of the Cage of Death, the newest attraction at Crocosaurus Cove, an Australian animal park: The many teeth marks on its clear acrylic outer surface.

The cage has no bars, unlike cages used in shark dives, which prevents the reptiles from gripping on but deep teeth scratches are visible on the sides, deterring some hesitant participants. The cage is then slid along runners over four crocodile pens, carrying a maximum of two divers at a time, and partly immersed in the water so swimmers can see the crocodiles under the water but also come up to the surface for air.

I took shop in junior high, and I know what mishaps can befall acrylic. It's one of the most unstable substances known to man; practically fucking impossible to join and liable to snap apart at the merest jostle. 18-foot crocodiles, meanwhile, have been known to eat cars. Fuck this.

Thrill Seekers Snap Up New Aussie Dare — Croc Swim [Yahoo News]
Crocosaurus Cove [Home Page]

This is a cautionary tale on how to survive in the wilderness when attacked by a deadly and ferocious fox, and we thank Michelle for stepping forward and, perhaps, saving lives. Key quote: "Be aware of your surroundings, and be prepared or have a plan set up on how you are going to deal with it."

Whenever I go hiking, I have action plans in place for rabbit, chipmunk, hawk, deer and prairie dog attacks. Now fox will be added to the list.

Arizona Jogger, Fox Latched To Ar, Runs For Help [Arizona Republic]

The Yavapai County sheriff's office said that the woman was jogging on a trail on Monday when the fox leaped from the bushes and bit her foot. When she grabbed the fox, it then bit her arm, and would not let go. The woman then ran for about a mile, with the fox still attached to her arm, until reaching her car. There, she pried it loose and threw it in the trunk, then driving herself to the hospital.

ALTERNATE, FUNNIER VERSION:

The woman then ran for about a mile, with the fox still attached to her arm, until reaching her car. There, the woman got into the trunk and the fox drove to the hospital, signaling for left turns by extending its paw out the driver's side window.

At least my Halloween costume for next year is set.

Photo credit: Gifttrap.com.

Jogger Runs Mile With Rabid Fox Locked On Her Arm [Comcast News]

The owners of a trout farm were amazed a photographer caught their fish making an extraordinary escape on camera. He pictured the trout making giant leaps out of their pond into a metal feed pipe three feet above the water level. They then fought against the current for 30ft to the end of the eight inch wide pipe, which emerges underwater in a tributary of the River Itchen near Alresford, Hants.

Here is a dramatic rendering of the trout escape plans. As you can see, it was planned to perfection. But then, tragedy struck.

"They are jumping for freedom in large volumes but sadly I think their fate will be less than happy — there are otter, herons and many other predators feeding from the stream."

We also hear that one trout was captured by the Nazis while trying to board a train to Switzerland. But better to die a free fish than to live one more day in captivity! This is indeed the Greatest Trout Generation.

Trout Leap To Freedom In Incredible Escape From Pond Through Eight-Inch Pipe [Daily Mail]

Pete's plan is that his remains will be mixed into groundbait for his friends to use, rather than asking them to force small strips of his flesh onto their hooks. Groundbait is a mixture put in the water by anglers to attract fish to the area they're preparing to fish - and many fishermen guard their recipes jealously.

Oh, and he's also made his own coffin; a giant wicker fishing basket. Um, life? We're about done here. Check, please?

Angler Wants To Be Fish Food [Metro.co.uk]
Tonight, He Sleeps With The Fishes [The Sun]

But Logan was the one who ended up getting scared and getting the bear's attention. The bear dropped the cooler and headed towards Logan, growling. The boys' dad, an ex-Marine, knew he had to do something. So he grabbed the closest thing he could find — a log. "(I) threw it at it and it happened to hit the bear in the head and I thought it just knocked it out but it actually ended up killing the bear," said Chris, who ended up being cited for not properly storing his food. But that's not what he feels bad about. "I feel bad about killing the bear," said Chris.

Of course had that been Barry Zito, the campsite would have been littered with thrown logs and there would have been bears on second and third with no outs.

By the way, someone should have called Rod Marinelli.

Ex Marine Kills Bear With Log [AccesNorthGa, via Fark]

Maybe, maybe not ... but the beast's name was Fred. He wasn't so wild, as it turns out. No, he grew up under the care of Phil and Rhonda Blissitt in Fruithurst, Alabama. Phil bought Rhonda the pig as a Christmas gift (lucky woman), and they eventually sold Fred to the Lost Creek Plantation, where he was kept in a 150-acre fenced-in area. Four days later, the kid plugged Fred.

Oh well. Even if this truly wasn't a "man vs. nature" type of thing, and it wasn't truly killed in the wild, it's still a hell of an accomplishment for the shooter. That's something I'd like to achieve someday. Maybe later this afternoon, I'll go buy a gun and head to the zoo.

Pig Was a Monster, but He Wasn't Wild [Comcast]
Hog Kid Gets Swiftboated ... We Suppose It Was Inevitable [Deadspin]
Of Hogs And Men [Deadspin]
Kevin Kolb Is Going To Be So Jealous [Deadspin]

The legend of Hogzilla II ... was it all a hoax? Did 11-year-old Jamison Stone really down a 1,000-pound feral pig in the Alabama woods, or was he home watching The Andy Griffith Show that day? As a couple of commenters pointed out yesterday, the size of said pig may have been via Photoshop. And in the finest tradition of blogs digging for the real story where the corporate media fears to tread, stinkyjournalism.org is making the same claim: That the giant pig photo we've all been marveling at over the past couple of days could end up being a fake.

At Art Science Research Lab, we are responsible for the publication of several media ethics blogs, checkyourfacts.org and stinkyjournalism.org. Earlier today, we published our analysis of this story and photograph, which ran on the AP, Fox News, ABC, CBS, and CNN. These photos are obvious fakes, as our in-house photo experts and an NYU physicist attest. The boy and his father were scheduled to appear on NBC's Today Show today, until we exposed the hoax and presented our evidence to NBC. For the full story, check out www.stinkyjournalism.org

We haven't been able to get onto the stinkyjournalism site so far this morning, by the way; the above came from a message board. Hmm, maybe the stinkyjournalism site is the fake, and the hog is real. As with all giant pig stories, the real answers remain shrouded in mystery. The folks at Monster Pig have posted their response to the Stinky Journalism "expose." At this point, what matters what is real? The kid still can bag himself some pork.

Photo Of Monster Hog Called Into Question; Web Site Claims It Was Doctored [Fox News]
The Monster Hog: Too Glorious To Be True, Says Hoax-Seekers [Media Bistro]
Of Hogs And Men [Deadspin]

And since the lad has put up his own web site and is sharing the negative mail with the world, we see no problem in highlighting a couple of the best (worst?) ones.

What the f### is your f###ing problem you fat a## b####. You f###ing killed a f###ing innocent little pig. Does it make your fat a## feel good to kill such an innocent creature. Wow congratuf###inglations you fat a## f###ing c###. I hope the boars babies come back alive and eat your sausage link penis you, fat piece of s###. F###ing fat redneck. I hope demons come and haunt your fat a## for the rest of your life. Do you think your hot s### for this b####? Well your not fat a##. Burn in hell you rotten piece of s###. F### YOU!!!!! F###ING FAT A## REDNECK PIECE OF S###!!!!

—————

I have to congratulate you because I didn't think it was possible for an 11 yr old as large as yourself to chase a pig for three hours in hilly terrain. Well done, fat boy! ...

—————

Yes while it is true that you definitely commited an act of terrorism, much like our president does each day upon arising, Its not you. Its your father and your fathers father and soon. They were probably slave owners way back when and even earlier on performed acts of terror on the original land owners of America, The Native Americans, who would kill only what they needed to survive. Its a sad,sad thing that has been taught to innocent children like yourself.

This is nothing, of course. Somewhere, Dee Mirich is at the keyboard ...

Monsterpig.com [via Fark]
Kevin Kolb Is Going To Be So Jealous [Deadspin]

Somewhere out west — we think it may be Idaho — is a land where the native fish are frisky and plentiful; and occasionally leap from the stream to blurt out answers to mysteries.

Poor Dan and Sally. When they hatched this crazy scheme, we bet they didn't figure on their plans being thwarted by the wily trout.

Of course we also like the fact that the insurance company apparently just spills its guts to any random forest ranger right over the phone.

The Mark Trail Directory [Hickory Tech]
The Mark Trail Drinking Game [Deadspin]

A bunch of animals made a monkey out of a thief when they scratched and bit him as he stole a primate from a zoo, a court heard yesterday. The creatures were said to have gone wild as a gang, including Marlon Brown, broke into an enclosure to steal Bolivian squirrel monkey Spongebob. Brown bled from his wounds, allowing police to identify him through his DNA, it was alleged.

We would love to be at this trial. "The monkeys will all quiet down and take their seats, or the bailiffs will clear this courtroom!" Other key passages from the story:

• He was found in the street a few days later and returned to his home — only to be spurned by his fellow monkeys.

• One jumped on Brown's head as he reached into their cave to retrieve his passport, which had fallen from the rucksack.

• 'He had been quite a laidback, happy little monkey. He was very thirsty and had a kink in his tail he didn't have beforehand.'

Let this be a lesson to all. Murder by owl ... vicious monkey spankings ... it just doesn't pay to enter the zoo after hours.

Monkey Attack 'Helped Catch Thief' [Metro UK]
Hoot, There It Is [Deadspin]

A scantily clad, 32-year-old man was found dead early Monday in a pool of blood in an owl cage at the Moscow Zoo. A bird keeper at the zoo found the man, Alexander Luparev at about 10 a.m., lying in the cage, which is home to a Siberina long-tailed tawny owl.

Sure, Billy Packer claims it was all inadvertent, as one might guess. But we're skeptical. Consider this evidence from the story in the Moscow Times:

• Luparev's clothes were strewn across the concrete base of the cage. Also found were his documents, an undisclosed amount of money, and a half-empty, one-liter bottle of vodka.

• At this point, no one quite knows what happened. Luparev apparently hit his head on the ground — possibly following an altercation with the owl — and fell unconscious.

• "The owl is still in a state of shock," zoo spokeswoman Natalya Istratova said Wednesday.

• Luparev is believed to have been drunk.

Why do we have the feeling that it was probably this guy?

Man Found Dead, Naked Inside Owl Cage [Moscow Times]

And you may chow down on your bounty over at the Spotswood Baptist Church, where all are welcome, as long as you are a Christian and are toting an animal carcass.

At Saturday night's dinner, about 200 men and boys in camouflage-casual attire swapped hunting stories, practiced turkey calling and looked at mounted deer, all-terrain vehicles and duck decoys. "We've seen everything from impala to muskrat, catfish to squirrel. We've had tuna and bear and wild boar," Foster said. "Primarily people come for the food. But we do include faith, in a nonthreatening way."

Little known fact: The Last Supper? Jesus had the raccoon sloppy Joes.

Camo Bible [One Source Outfitters]
Spotswood Baptist Church
Praise God, Raise The Testosterone [Richmond Times Dispatch]

The duck — now grabbing world-wide attention — was shot in the wing and leg by local hunter Dale Tadlock on Jan. 15 but was rescued a day and a half later by his wife, Pamela Tadlock, who found it still alive when she went to check on it in the fridge.

The duck was rushed to the vet where it received emergency defrosting, but was at one point declared dead. And then, like that scene in E.T., a miracle occurred.

Beck said she walked out of the room sobbing and called Goose Creek treasurer Susan May when it happened. Ten to 15 seconds later, the duck perked up from her death bed. "I started crying 'she's alive!," Beck said.

Tallhassee.com is, of course, providing daily updates on Perky's condition. Which means that somewhere, in a dimly-lit room with a dog curled at her feet and about 12,000 collectible teddy bears looking on, a 40-year-old woman in a unicorn sweatshirt types earnestly on an early-model PC:

Rainbows, swamp. Feathered ass pointing to the sky.Seasoned buckshot, a tasty treat for all well wishers. Daffy, Donald, my sentimental friends. Affirmed. All my love, Dee Mirich.

Duck Watch Day 10, Still Flapping [Tallahassee.com]
Duck of Destiny [Tallahassee.com]
Perky's One Lucky Duck [The Sydney Morning Herald]
Barbaro Being Sliced Open Again [Deadspin]

It's a well-known fact: deer hate net-related sports. We give this one, in Colorado as photographed by the Durango Herald, about three hours before it is shot by an enraged Jeff Nygaard.

Anyway, filming on Larry Csonka's new wildlife series on Versus, Hunting for the Holidays, began recently (it debuts on Nov. 30), and we'd give anything for this to be the first thing he spots.

In next week's episode, Mark Trail will explain how the deer will later make this into a festive holiday sweater.

Hunting For The Holidays [Versus]
Introducing The Mark Trail Drinking Game [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: This picture just gave Chad Johnson and Chris Kaman all kinds of excellent ideas for styling techniques.

Well, it kind of figures: Any sport that employs terms such as ice screw, hand jammies, micro nuts, crampons and bouldering has to be fun. Scientists, however, disagree.

Unwanted sexual arousal usually is not a problem, says Dr. Peter Hackett, a founding member of the Wilderness Medical Society. "There has to be sexual stimulation, which is usually not available on a mountain-climbing expedition. You are just struggling to survive."

Even so, if your ascent lasts more than six hours, please consult a physician.

Viagra Used To Prevent Pulmonary Edema At High Altitudes [Chicago Tribune]

I just had a conversation with the woman who runs our giftshop here at work. Apparently there has been a run on the stuffed animal stingrays along with the kid size zookeeper outfits. Folks intend to sew the rays to the front and send the kids out on Halloween as Steve Irwin. Man that's harsh. Ironically, the womans name is Barb. (honest truth). — Best, Mark Rehling, Aquarium Biologist, Cleveland Metroparks Zoo.

Imagine an entire neighborhhood of kids walking around saying "crikey." It's embarrassing. It's wrong. Do you want your children to end up like the poor little bastards who once wore these? Think about it. Just watch this week's South Park. Should explain the whole matter.

May we suggest instead:

• Keggy. Hours of fun for the entire family. (Please return costume by 11 a.m. Wednesday or forfeit deposit).

• Chris Berman. (Combover sold separately).

• Mr. Celery. A bagful of candy, and a nutrious snack.

• Coach Janky Spanky. Ironically, Halloween is the only night that Clinton Portis doesn't dress up.

• Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis. "Hey, where are all my sofa cushions? Kids!"

• Carl Monday. Trenchcoat, check. Mustache, check. Microphone, check. Never mind the candy, ma'm; Anyone in there jackin' it?

Wait ... somebody beat us to this one!

Worst Halloween Costumes Of All Time [RetroCrush]
It's The Crocodile Hunter, Charile Brown [Snopes.com]

Another Carl Monday costume, from brilliant reader John Stokes, after the jump.