•You might be hearing about this a little later on this morning, if your esteemed editor ever wakes up. The Phillies are heading back to the World Series after disposing of the Dodgers in five games. Is Daulerio excited? Let's just say Center City Philadelphia isn't the only one with a greased pole right about now.

•Patrick Crayton is a little ticked his coaches didn't tell him before the media that Miles Austin usurped his starting role. With more yards and TDs in a single week than Crayton's had all season, I thought this is one of those things that didn't need to be said.

•Also mad at management: Cedric Benson says the Bears tried to blackball him from football after his two arrests. Funny, I thought it was his incompetence at football before his two arrests that did it.

•FOX is adding Ozzie Guillen as an analyst for the World Series. Given his unrivaled ability to string together profanities, we might see the first 70-second delay.

•A dozen members of the Browns have come down with the flu, and the NFL will allow them special roster provisions to restock the depleted positions. Unfortunately, both quarterbacks are perfectly healthy.

•Yes, I know we're bloggers, but we would never make like one San Antonio blogger who brought cookies to the locker room for Manu Ginobli. This blog only reports on personalities caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

•Finally, via Fark, we get a 12-year-old on the receiving end of a Taekwondo KTFO:

And that would be the acquisition of Alex Rios, whom the Blue Jays had wisely discarded after realizing they were paying $10 million a year for a knockoff Roberto Kelly and who now takes his .317 OBP into Kenny Williams' crowded outfield in Chicago. As Baseball Prospectus' Christina Kahrl wrote before the waiver claim had gone through, "[T]he horror of claiming Alex Rios is that you might end up getting him." Here's how Williams saw it:

"Yeah, we're out on a limb a little bit with the last two acquisitions, but what we've seen in recent games at home is our fans are starting to wrap their arms around this team," Williams said.

Not long after completing the deal on Monday, Williams, in Seattle with his team, made his way to Safeco Field and went skipping across a street away from a crosswalk. The fuzz nabbed him, and the two had the following hardboiled exchange:

Williams tried to tell the officer people in Chicago cross streets anywhere. He said the officer told him, not in Seattle.

Williams was given a $56 ticket around which to wrap his arms. Ozzie Guillen has vowed to retaliate.

White Sox acquire Rios from Toronto [ESPN]
White Sox GM Kenny Williams gets jaywalking ticket in Seattle [Seattle Times]

Ozzie Guillen explained to reporters that Colon is notoriously difficult to track down thanks to a phalanx of cousins and the unreliability of the Dominican phone system. So that explains why no one was really that concerned when he didn't check in with the organization before his scheduled rehab start tonight in Charlotte, North Carolina. But Guillen also had a different theory about Bartolo's radio silence.

"I worry about Colon because Colon was a big-time Michael Jackson fan," Guillen said. "He might [watch] the TV and cry all day long. Maybe he is in L.A. at his funeral, because I can't find him. When he gets to Charlotte, Oney (Guillen's son) will call me to say he's there.

"Nobody knows how big of a Jackson fan Colon was. I'm serious. He might be depressed a little bit."

Look, we all loved "Wanna Be Startin' Something", but don't you think the Gloved One would want you to get on with your life? Ok, he'd probably want you to put on a funny hat and go to a roller coaster park or something, but let's try to keep things professional.

Bartolo Colon still slated to start minor-league rehab Thursday night [Chicago Tribune]

The entire White Sox-Cubs series this weekend was ripe for wackiness since baseball's most dysfunctional "rivalry." When Lou Pinella wasn't screaming at his own players he was taking swipes at the South Siders, helpfully pointing out that attendance at U.S. Cellular Field takes a significant jump whenever the Cubbies take the bus downtown. Over 20,000 more fans showed up than when the Dodgers were visiting the previous weekend. Fortunately, the only man who can go toe-to-toe with Lou's crazy was ready with a response:

"Because our fans are not stupid like Cubs fans," Guillen said. "They know we're [expletive]."

Guillen said Cubs fans will watch any game at Wrigley Field because "Wrigley Field is just a bar."

Maybe Ozzie Guillen isn't crazy, because that is exactly true! But what do White Sox fans know about their team's state of being? Sure, "shit" is the obvious answer, but could it be something else? Clowns? Tax cheats? Cheese-lovers?

The one thing both managers agree on? Smoking dope ain't so bad.

Ozzie Guillen: 'Our fans are not stupid like Cubs fans' [Chicago Tribune]
Perfect time for Cubs to waive bye-bye to Carlos Zambrano [Phil Rogers]

Oh, Ozzie. How we've missed you. Seriously, even if you think baseball is the most boring sport on earth, you've got to admit it's imminent return is exciting, if only for the fact that it means winter is over. Unless, of course, you live in one of those fancy "Southern" places, where winter is a barely detectable, minor annoyance. If that's the case, you should be grateful to your ancestors for settling there. Now stop tarnishing their good name with your heathen ways.

We've got a full day of NCAA games on tap, and some crazy finishes from last night to discuss. And will an A-Rod story make an appearance? Who knows? Just don't go googling for it on your own, or else you'll spoil the surprise.

Please feel free to send tips to gourmetspud@gmail.com.

"When people wish the worst on people, you have to be careful because the baseball gods are going to get you,'' Guillen said. ''He was not asking just for my job, he was asking for thousands and thousands of people's jobs over the years. I'm not going to say I will get the last laugh because I will get fired from this job. But the day I get fired is the day I lose interest in this game.

''Am I enjoying this? Yes, because he tried to make my life miserable. He did everything in his power to make my life go the wrong way, but he didn't make me miserable because I don't believe him. Maybe if somebody else wrote that stuff about me, then I would put attention on it. And that's what he wanted. He wanted attention. He has to thank me because I gave him a lot of [stuff] to work with. I know I helped him the last four years to make his money, and, obviously, he did not help me at all to make my money.''

The Sun-Times' Chris De Luca collected several love notes to Mariotti in a column today, including the above from Guillen and this from White Sox broadcaster Ken Harrelson:

'It's about time,'' said Sox broadcaster Ken ''Hawk'' Harrelson, another favorite target of Mariotti's. ''I know one thing, when he got that [contract] extension three or four months ago, he wouldn't have signed that extension if the things he's saying about the Sun-Times now were true. So he's spinning it again."

Now if the White Sox could just win the World Series this year, Guillen would probably — as Carl Spackler said in Caddyshack — be so fulfilled that he would achieve total consciousness. So he has that going for him.

Sox On Mariotti's Split: 'It's About Time' [Chicago Sun-Times]

Guillen has made his e-mail public, so White Sox fans far and wide can tell him how spectacular a job he's doing, or just anonymously insult him without imminent threat of physical retaliation. Chicago Tribune writer Rick Morrissey decided to test the account to see if Guillen really did check it. The writer fired away numerous semi-anonymous, timid, annoying messages to Guillen to see if he'd bite. None of them did — until Morrissey sent this one that "ripped" Guillen for this car dealership ad:

Ozzie:

I just saw your car dealership ad with Piniella. You should stick to managing. 77-year-old Jack McKeon can rap better than you.

Rick

Surprisingly, this irked Guillen enough that he felt compelled to write back:

You have to be stupid. Get a life, loser. I hope you have no kids. They have to be like you.

This back-and-forth went on for another few emails until Morrissey finally achieved his goal. He later fessed up to Ozzie about his experiment, who took it surprisingly well. Guillen said the ground rules for emailing him are easy to follow. Complain about the lineup. Question his judgment. Tell him how much better the Cubs are this season. But...:

"But when they say things about my family or 'Go pick coffee beans back in your country,' I get mad. I say, In my country, we don't have coffee, but we got a lot of oil."

You know the rules. You've been warned.

Guillen really does answer his email [Chicago Tribune]

Thanks to Awful Announcing for providing video of the worst rap in the history of car commercials (and that's a long list). I would have liked to have been in the room when the ad guys pitched this to Lou and Ozzie. I bet it sounded a lot more like the rap we're used to. Well, the vocabulary at least.

These Are Your Managers, Chicago Fans

On Sunday, the bats were circled around the two naked female dolls, one of whom had a bat inserted in its backside to prop it up. Each wore a sign over her breasts, one saying "Let's Go White Sox" and the other reading "You've Got to Push," the National Post in Toronto reported.

Guillen, of course, defended the shrine, saying "I'm sure it wasn't done to disrespect anyone. . . A lot of worse things happen in the clubhouse. . . If people got their feelings hurt because of that . . . they don't really know much about baseball."

Duly noted. He is right about that. There was a time when struggling baseball teams used real live women in the locker room as slump-busting shrines. You've got to push...

White Sox Doll Blow Up [Chicago Sun-Times]

Here is the tirade, which had been appropriately [Bleep]-d by newspapers in the transcript. I don't know why newspapers and "family" publications continue to do that even though we know, for the most part, what the actual quote is. I've done my best to replace the [Bleep]-s with what what I assume was the offensive language Guillen actually used to give some more color and accuracy to this story:

Right now, everyone in Chicago is making lineups, 'Call up this guy, call up that guy. If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That's what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media — they forget pretty quick. A couple of days ago, we were the [cunt]ing best [veiny dicks] in town, now we're [taint fuckers].''

Asked why that is, Guillen pulled no punches.

''Because maybe the manager is an ass[licking ball-nibbler],'' he replied.

'We won it a couple years ago, and we're horse[spooge],'' Guillen said. ''The Cubs haven't won in 120 years, and they're the [cunnilinguiling]ing best. [Finger-bang] it, we're good. [Finger-bang] everybody. We're horse[spooge-swallowers], and we're going to be horse[spooge-swallowers] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win. We are the bitch of Chicago. We're the Chicago bitch. We have the worst owner — the guy's got seven [nut-tickle]ing rings, and he's the [midget-fuck]ing horse[spooge-swallowing] owner.''

I'm curious to see hear the audio version to see how close I was.

Ozzie Guillen on White Sox: 'We're the Chicago Bitch' [Fanhouse]

This might be our favorite quote from him in a while, actually. Guillen was asked, while talking about a past reunion of the 1983 White Sox team, if he thought there would ever be a 20-year reunion of the White Sox 2005 champions. His response was achingly true to life, which is why it was hilarious.

''Those ceremonies — 'Oh, let's bring back those guys from 2005,' we're all crippled and fucked up, pushing wheelchairs, kids crying because his dad was on the ballclub — fuck that,'' Guillen said. ''I don't need that bull. A bunch of fat guys, another one is broke. 'Hey, where's your ring?' 'Oh, I don't know, I sold that son of a bitch two years ago.'''

We guarantee you, in 20 years, A.J. Pierzynski is going to show up to the ceremonies just to meet girls and brain some guy.

Reunion Tour [Chicago Sun-Times]

Just two more first-round matchups left until the Elite Eight, and we've got a potential barnburner here today. (Does anyone other than Musberger use "barnburner" anymore? We like the term.)

It's No. 7 seed Ozzie Guillen — unfortunately in the opposite bracket of Jay Mariotti — against No. 10 seed Stephen A. Smith, two people whom, if they had a conversation, would be surprisingly boring, probably because it would be televised on ESPN 2 around 11 p.m., maybe, we think, whatever time they're running it now.

LET'S LOOK AT THE MATCHUP BECAUSE EVERYTHING IN THIS MATCHUP IS IMPORTANT.

No. 7 Seed: Ozzie Guillen
2006 Highlights
Controlled your ass.
Sent down a poor pitcher for not hitting someone on the other team.
Restored a somewhat damaged image by picking a fight with Jay Mariotti.
Drank down by several Chicago-area gay men.
Tried not to notice A-Rod's erection.

No. 10 Seed: Stephen A. Smith
2006 Highlights
Called David Letterman "Jay."
Begged for audience members.
Enjoyed many Cheesy Doodles.
Encouraged his audience to boo his guests.
Attempted to blame previous transgression on us.
Solved the crisis in the Middle East.

So, go vote: Who advances to the Elite Eight?

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We can't quite put our finger on why a picture of Ozzie Guillen talking to Alex Rodriguez while A-Rod violently adjusts his crotch region is funny .... but it nevertheless is.

Photo from Warren Wimmer of the Chicago Sports Review.

During Mariotti's "vacation," he was appearing regularly on "Around the Horn," even though he wasn't writing for the paper. He, of course, wasn't hanging around clubhouses while was on sabbatical, but that never really bothered us that much anyway.

Mariotti returned with a column about the White Sox, of course, and it began with the words "Remember my magnificent decree." Hey, you guys have fun, Chicago.

Mariotti Returns To Sun-Times [Editor & Publisher]
A Helpful Tip For Ozzie Guillen, And It's Free [Deadspin]

The Tigers first base coach — and former Pirate and Cardinal; he was one of our favorite players when we were a kid — was on Sporting News Radio yesterday and was asked about Guillen's handling of pitcher Jon Garland and their bitch session in the dugout the other day. Van Slyke's view was a curious one.

"[Guillen's] a guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve,'' Van Slyke said. "He is, if you want to call it, an atypical [sic] Latin baseball player. I don't believe that it's true for all Latinos, but a lot of people's perception is that Latinos are hotheaded. He has certainly shown that he gets a little upset and a little excited about the littlest, silliest things. ... Do I like what he does sometimes? No. Would I like it if he showed me up like that in the dugout? No. I probably would have punched him."

As far as culturally insensitive comments go, we wouldn't quite put this one in the Roger Clemens, "hey, where are all the Asians who usually do my laundry?" camp, but it's not far from it. We particularly appreciated Guillen's response:

"That's why he's coaching first base and I'm managing in the big leagues. I'm going to manage in the big leagues longer than he's going to coach first base.'' Guillen then said, "First-base coach,'' before laughing and adding, "Just make sure you pick the right helmet at the right time.''

Heck, he even resisted calling Van Slyke a fag. Aw ... Ozzie's growing. It's so cute.

Tigers Coach Latest To Take On Ozzie [Chicago Sun-Times]
Roger Clemens' Multinational Laundry [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: A reader sends in this Van Slyke quote, from a Sports Illustrated story from 1992:

Hillary Clinton, for one, really bakes his cookies. "My wife has done more for this country than Hillary Clinton ever did," says Van Slyke. "It is great security for a child to come home from school and know that his mother will be there. Good mothers are underrated, just like good defense.")

• 1. Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Fire Away. We were going to say that Ozzie Guillen is on his last nerve, but isn't he always? Let's just say that once again he ordered one of his pitchers to plunk a guy, and once again, well, the opposition remains unplunked. The White Sox beat the Rangers 5-0 on Sunday, but not before Texas pitcher Vicente Padilla hit Alex Cintron in the third inning. Jon Garland, presumably with marching orders from Guillen, responded in the fourth by throwing the first two pitches behind Kinsler. He never ended up hitting him. This sent Guillen into a fit. "This guy (Padilla) is the nastiest pitcher in the league and all of a sudden, he hits someone," Guillen said. "I was upset also because Garland ... missed it. I expect him to do a better job."

• 2. Big Al Welcomes You To The New RFK. Gawd, Washington Nationals fans now have "rally towels." OK, not too original, but they seem to work. During "Grand Re-Opening Weekend" at the newly refurbished RFK Stadium, Alfonso Soriano hit his 31st home run to lead the Nats over the Cubs 7-1, as Washington claimed its first home sweep in more than a year.

• 3. The M-Files. Because the game ended in dramatic fashion, and because we enjoy mentioning J.J. Putz whenever possible, we must report that Richie Sexson's walkoff homer game the Mariners a 9-8 win over the Red Sox at Safeco Field. Thus vindicating Putz, who had given up a tying homer to Jason Varitek in the top of the ninth.

• 4. We've Been Waiting 115 Years For This. Jason Marquis became the NL's first 12-game winner, and Juan Encarnacion popped two homers as St. Louis beat Los Angeles 6-1 on Sunday. It completed the Cardinals' first season sweep over the Dodgers, since, um, ever.

• 5. This Episode Brought To You By The Letter K. Struggling through the current heat wave? Why not visit Jacobs Field, and let the cool breeze of the Indians' bats relieve you? Cleveland hitters truck out 17 times — with Twins' starter Francisco Liriano fanning 10 over five innings — as Minnesota won 3-1 on Sunday.

The Kit Kat Lounge and Supper Club, 3700 N. Halsted, a gay bar that features female impersonators, now has "The Effen Ozzie GuillenTini" on the menu.

The drink is so popular that hardly anyone is ordering the John Rocker-and-Rye Toddy anymore (laugh track).

Straight Up: Gay Bar Makes Ozzie GuillenTini [Chicago Sun-Times]

Three quick thoughts to wrap up. First, the concept of sportswriters hulking up for physical confrontation in the locker room got us thinking of the late, great Will McDonough, the Boston Globe reporter famous for throwing elbows and doing whatever necessary to get the story while the Mariottis of the world were getting mani/pedis. McDonough's most famous incident involved New England Patriot Raymond Clayborn, who he punched in a locker room in 1979. McDonough said at the time: "I said that if any guy pushes me to the point, then something is going to happen. It's just unfortunate for [Clayborn] that he did it." You know what? That's pretty badass. We miss Will.

Second, we hate to be the PC police, but we do think it's telling that many — including, admittedly, us — have taken Ozzie Guillen's use of the word "fag" somewhat lightly, as if to say, "Hey, it's Ozzie, he says things sometimes." We, of course, would not have been so forgiving if he had said the n-word, or other racial slurs. No matter how much of a dope Mariotti might be, Ozzie, in our view, was wrong. Pretend as everyone might otherwise, there are gay people in sports, and we guarantee you: Someone in that locker room — player, attendant, reporter — was offended in a much different way than Mariotti was.

And, lastly: We hear lotsa rumors around these parts, and here's one of the more persistant ones of late: Don't be shocked if you don't see Mariotti in the pages of the Sun-Times for a while. Whispers of "indefinite, unplanned vacation" keep popping up. We'll keep you updated.

Will McDonough Remembered [GreaterBoston]
The Manly, Manly Sports Reporters [Deadspin]
One Slur That's Still Somewhat OK [Under 30 Blog]

(UPDATE: Oh, and Mariotti was on the Tucker Carlson show last night.)

But as comprehensive as we've been on the Mariotti-Guillen story, Jay the Joke is still the only site in which you gain access by "clicking on Jay Mariotti's smug face." It is the only site with posts entitled "Guillen Apologizes to every Homosexual except Jay," and "In Which Jay Tries, Once Again, To Sit On Mark Cuban's Face." And in today's post, "Desperate Column From A Desperate Man," the author reports that Mariotti is turning to old Chicago sports standby Michael Jordan to salve his wounds.

Columnist Gets A Slow Roasting [Chicago Tribune]
Desperate Column From A Desperate Man [Jay The Joke]
The Manly, Manly Sports Reporters [Deadspin]