"When people wish the worst on people, you have to be careful because the baseball gods are going to get you,'' Guillen said. ''He was not asking just for my job, he was asking for thousands and thousands of people's jobs over the years. I'm not going to say I will get the last laugh because I will get fired from this job. But the day I get fired is the day I lose interest in this game.

''Am I enjoying this? Yes, because he tried to make my life miserable. He did everything in his power to make my life go the wrong way, but he didn't make me miserable because I don't believe him. Maybe if somebody else wrote that stuff about me, then I would put attention on it. And that's what he wanted. He wanted attention. He has to thank me because I gave him a lot of [stuff] to work with. I know I helped him the last four years to make his money, and, obviously, he did not help me at all to make my money.''

The Sun-Times' Chris De Luca collected several love notes to Mariotti in a column today, including the above from Guillen and this from White Sox broadcaster Ken Harrelson:

'It's about time,'' said Sox broadcaster Ken ''Hawk'' Harrelson, another favorite target of Mariotti's. ''I know one thing, when he got that [contract] extension three or four months ago, he wouldn't have signed that extension if the things he's saying about the Sun-Times now were true. So he's spinning it again."

Now if the White Sox could just win the World Series this year, Guillen would probably — as Carl Spackler said in Caddyshack — be so fulfilled that he would achieve total consciousness. So he has that going for him.

Sox On Mariotti's Split: 'It's About Time' [Chicago Sun-Times]

Guillen has made his e-mail public, so White Sox fans far and wide can tell him how spectacular a job he's doing, or just anonymously insult him without imminent threat of physical retaliation. Chicago Tribune writer Rick Morrissey decided to test the account to see if Guillen really did check it. The writer fired away numerous semi-anonymous, timid, annoying messages to Guillen to see if he'd bite. None of them did — until Morrissey sent this one that "ripped" Guillen for this car dealership ad:

Ozzie:

I just saw your car dealership ad with Piniella. You should stick to managing. 77-year-old Jack McKeon can rap better than you.

Rick

Surprisingly, this irked Guillen enough that he felt compelled to write back:

You have to be stupid. Get a life, loser. I hope you have no kids. They have to be like you.

This back-and-forth went on for another few emails until Morrissey finally achieved his goal. He later fessed up to Ozzie about his experiment, who took it surprisingly well. Guillen said the ground rules for emailing him are easy to follow. Complain about the lineup. Question his judgment. Tell him how much better the Cubs are this season. But...:

"But when they say things about my family or 'Go pick coffee beans back in your country,' I get mad. I say, In my country, we don't have coffee, but we got a lot of oil."

You know the rules. You've been warned.

Guillen really does answer his email [Chicago Tribune]

Thanks to Awful Announcing for providing video of the worst rap in the history of car commercials (and that's a long list). I would have liked to have been in the room when the ad guys pitched this to Lou and Ozzie. I bet it sounded a lot more like the rap we're used to. Well, the vocabulary at least.

These Are Your Managers, Chicago Fans

On Sunday, the bats were circled around the two naked female dolls, one of whom had a bat inserted in its backside to prop it up. Each wore a sign over her breasts, one saying "Let's Go White Sox" and the other reading "You've Got to Push," the National Post in Toronto reported.

Guillen, of course, defended the shrine, saying "I'm sure it wasn't done to disrespect anyone. . . A lot of worse things happen in the clubhouse. . . If people got their feelings hurt because of that . . . they don't really know much about baseball."

Duly noted. He is right about that. There was a time when struggling baseball teams used real live women in the locker room as slump-busting shrines. You've got to push...

White Sox Doll Blow Up [Chicago Sun-Times]

Here is the tirade, which had been appropriately [Bleep]-d by newspapers in the transcript. I don't know why newspapers and "family" publications continue to do that even though we know, for the most part, what the actual quote is. I've done my best to replace the [Bleep]-s with what what I assume was the offensive language Guillen actually used to give some more color and accuracy to this story:

Right now, everyone in Chicago is making lineups, 'Call up this guy, call up that guy. If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That's what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media — they forget pretty quick. A couple of days ago, we were the [cunt]ing best [veiny dicks] in town, now we're [taint fuckers].''

Asked why that is, Guillen pulled no punches.

''Because maybe the manager is an ass[licking ball-nibbler],'' he replied.

'We won it a couple years ago, and we're horse[spooge],'' Guillen said. ''The Cubs haven't won in 120 years, and they're the [cunnilinguiling]ing best. [Finger-bang] it, we're good. [Finger-bang] everybody. We're horse[spooge-swallowers], and we're going to be horse[spooge-swallowers] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win. We are the bitch of Chicago. We're the Chicago bitch. We have the worst owner — the guy's got seven [nut-tickle]ing rings, and he's the [midget-fuck]ing horse[spooge-swallowing] owner.''

I'm curious to see hear the audio version to see how close I was.

Ozzie Guillen on White Sox: 'We're the Chicago Bitch' [Fanhouse]

This might be our favorite quote from him in a while, actually. Guillen was asked, while talking about a past reunion of the 1983 White Sox team, if he thought there would ever be a 20-year reunion of the White Sox 2005 champions. His response was achingly true to life, which is why it was hilarious.

''Those ceremonies — 'Oh, let's bring back those guys from 2005,' we're all crippled and fucked up, pushing wheelchairs, kids crying because his dad was on the ballclub — fuck that,'' Guillen said. ''I don't need that bull. A bunch of fat guys, another one is broke. 'Hey, where's your ring?' 'Oh, I don't know, I sold that son of a bitch two years ago.'''

We guarantee you, in 20 years, A.J. Pierzynski is going to show up to the ceremonies just to meet girls and brain some guy.

Reunion Tour [Chicago Sun-Times]

Just two more first-round matchups left until the Elite Eight, and we've got a potential barnburner here today. (Does anyone other than Musberger use "barnburner" anymore? We like the term.)

It's No. 7 seed Ozzie Guillen — unfortunately in the opposite bracket of Jay Mariotti — against No. 10 seed Stephen A. Smith, two people whom, if they had a conversation, would be surprisingly boring, probably because it would be televised on ESPN 2 around 11 p.m., maybe, we think, whatever time they're running it now.

LET'S LOOK AT THE MATCHUP BECAUSE EVERYTHING IN THIS MATCHUP IS IMPORTANT.

No. 7 Seed: Ozzie Guillen
2006 Highlights
Controlled your ass.
Sent down a poor pitcher for not hitting someone on the other team.
Restored a somewhat damaged image by picking a fight with Jay Mariotti.
Drank down by several Chicago-area gay men.
Tried not to notice A-Rod's erection.

No. 10 Seed: Stephen A. Smith
2006 Highlights
Called David Letterman "Jay."
Begged for audience members.
Enjoyed many Cheesy Doodles.
Encouraged his audience to boo his guests.
Attempted to blame previous transgression on us.
Solved the crisis in the Middle East.

So, go vote: Who advances to the Elite Eight?

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We can't quite put our finger on why a picture of Ozzie Guillen talking to Alex Rodriguez while A-Rod violently adjusts his crotch region is funny .... but it nevertheless is.

Photo from Warren Wimmer of the Chicago Sports Review.

During Mariotti's "vacation," he was appearing regularly on "Around the Horn," even though he wasn't writing for the paper. He, of course, wasn't hanging around clubhouses while was on sabbatical, but that never really bothered us that much anyway.

Mariotti returned with a column about the White Sox, of course, and it began with the words "Remember my magnificent decree." Hey, you guys have fun, Chicago.

Mariotti Returns To Sun-Times [Editor & Publisher]
A Helpful Tip For Ozzie Guillen, And It's Free [Deadspin]

The Tigers first base coach — and former Pirate and Cardinal; he was one of our favorite players when we were a kid — was on Sporting News Radio yesterday and was asked about Guillen's handling of pitcher Jon Garland and their bitch session in the dugout the other day. Van Slyke's view was a curious one.

"[Guillen's] a guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve,'' Van Slyke said. "He is, if you want to call it, an atypical [sic] Latin baseball player. I don't believe that it's true for all Latinos, but a lot of people's perception is that Latinos are hotheaded. He has certainly shown that he gets a little upset and a little excited about the littlest, silliest things. ... Do I like what he does sometimes? No. Would I like it if he showed me up like that in the dugout? No. I probably would have punched him."

As far as culturally insensitive comments go, we wouldn't quite put this one in the Roger Clemens, "hey, where are all the Asians who usually do my laundry?" camp, but it's not far from it. We particularly appreciated Guillen's response:

"That's why he's coaching first base and I'm managing in the big leagues. I'm going to manage in the big leagues longer than he's going to coach first base.'' Guillen then said, "First-base coach,'' before laughing and adding, "Just make sure you pick the right helmet at the right time.''

Heck, he even resisted calling Van Slyke a fag. Aw ... Ozzie's growing. It's so cute.

Tigers Coach Latest To Take On Ozzie [Chicago Sun-Times]
Roger Clemens' Multinational Laundry [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: A reader sends in this Van Slyke quote, from a Sports Illustrated story from 1992:

Hillary Clinton, for one, really bakes his cookies. "My wife has done more for this country than Hillary Clinton ever did," says Van Slyke. "It is great security for a child to come home from school and know that his mother will be there. Good mothers are underrated, just like good defense.")

• 1. Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Fire Away. We were going to say that Ozzie Guillen is on his last nerve, but isn't he always? Let's just say that once again he ordered one of his pitchers to plunk a guy, and once again, well, the opposition remains unplunked. The White Sox beat the Rangers 5-0 on Sunday, but not before Texas pitcher Vicente Padilla hit Alex Cintron in the third inning. Jon Garland, presumably with marching orders from Guillen, responded in the fourth by throwing the first two pitches behind Kinsler. He never ended up hitting him. This sent Guillen into a fit. "This guy (Padilla) is the nastiest pitcher in the league and all of a sudden, he hits someone," Guillen said. "I was upset also because Garland ... missed it. I expect him to do a better job."

• 2. Big Al Welcomes You To The New RFK. Gawd, Washington Nationals fans now have "rally towels." OK, not too original, but they seem to work. During "Grand Re-Opening Weekend" at the newly refurbished RFK Stadium, Alfonso Soriano hit his 31st home run to lead the Nats over the Cubs 7-1, as Washington claimed its first home sweep in more than a year.

• 3. The M-Files. Because the game ended in dramatic fashion, and because we enjoy mentioning J.J. Putz whenever possible, we must report that Richie Sexson's walkoff homer game the Mariners a 9-8 win over the Red Sox at Safeco Field. Thus vindicating Putz, who had given up a tying homer to Jason Varitek in the top of the ninth.

• 4. We've Been Waiting 115 Years For This. Jason Marquis became the NL's first 12-game winner, and Juan Encarnacion popped two homers as St. Louis beat Los Angeles 6-1 on Sunday. It completed the Cardinals' first season sweep over the Dodgers, since, um, ever.

• 5. This Episode Brought To You By The Letter K. Struggling through the current heat wave? Why not visit Jacobs Field, and let the cool breeze of the Indians' bats relieve you? Cleveland hitters truck out 17 times — with Twins' starter Francisco Liriano fanning 10 over five innings — as Minnesota won 3-1 on Sunday.

The Kit Kat Lounge and Supper Club, 3700 N. Halsted, a gay bar that features female impersonators, now has "The Effen Ozzie GuillenTini" on the menu.

The drink is so popular that hardly anyone is ordering the John Rocker-and-Rye Toddy anymore (laugh track).

Straight Up: Gay Bar Makes Ozzie GuillenTini [Chicago Sun-Times]

Three quick thoughts to wrap up. First, the concept of sportswriters hulking up for physical confrontation in the locker room got us thinking of the late, great Will McDonough, the Boston Globe reporter famous for throwing elbows and doing whatever necessary to get the story while the Mariottis of the world were getting mani/pedis. McDonough's most famous incident involved New England Patriot Raymond Clayborn, who he punched in a locker room in 1979. McDonough said at the time: "I said that if any guy pushes me to the point, then something is going to happen. It's just unfortunate for [Clayborn] that he did it." You know what? That's pretty badass. We miss Will.

Second, we hate to be the PC police, but we do think it's telling that many — including, admittedly, us — have taken Ozzie Guillen's use of the word "fag" somewhat lightly, as if to say, "Hey, it's Ozzie, he says things sometimes." We, of course, would not have been so forgiving if he had said the n-word, or other racial slurs. No matter how much of a dope Mariotti might be, Ozzie, in our view, was wrong. Pretend as everyone might otherwise, there are gay people in sports, and we guarantee you: Someone in that locker room — player, attendant, reporter — was offended in a much different way than Mariotti was.

And, lastly: We hear lotsa rumors around these parts, and here's one of the more persistant ones of late: Don't be shocked if you don't see Mariotti in the pages of the Sun-Times for a while. Whispers of "indefinite, unplanned vacation" keep popping up. We'll keep you updated.

Will McDonough Remembered [GreaterBoston]
The Manly, Manly Sports Reporters [Deadspin]
One Slur That's Still Somewhat OK [Under 30 Blog]

(UPDATE: Oh, and Mariotti was on the Tucker Carlson show last night.)

But as comprehensive as we've been on the Mariotti-Guillen story, Jay the Joke is still the only site in which you gain access by "clicking on Jay Mariotti's smug face." It is the only site with posts entitled "Guillen Apologizes to every Homosexual except Jay," and "In Which Jay Tries, Once Again, To Sit On Mark Cuban's Face." And in today's post, "Desperate Column From A Desperate Man," the author reports that Mariotti is turning to old Chicago sports standby Michael Jordan to salve his wounds.

Columnist Gets A Slow Roasting [Chicago Tribune]
Desperate Column From A Desperate Man [Jay The Joke]
The Manly, Manly Sports Reporters [Deadspin]

No, it's Jay Mariotti — "fucktard," if you're a crude sort — who has everyone all hand-wringing. First it was real man Chicago Tribune columnist Rick Morrissey, who framed the debate by saying that if you criticize a player, you should be able to face him/her in the locker room. Today, Mariotti's fellow Sun-Times columnist Rick Telander nails it, asking, in all seriousness, "should we just stay away and pontificate? All the quotes are there, some taken down by court stenographers. Is our presence required? This is news that Mariotti has become." (It should go without saying that the preceding quote took four paragraphs for Telander to write.)

In other words, this has become a soul-searcher for media members on their place in the world today. The fan has access to live video of almost every game, the ability to read transcripts of press conferences and all the same statistical materials everyone in the press box is handed when they walk in. Telander, because he sees what's going on here, has no choice but to put it bluntly: "Is our presence required?" In an age where athletes say nothing interesting and reporters have to write it down as if they care, what is the point, anyway?

We don't think Jay Mariotti sitting at home, watching White Sox games while applying makeup and waiting for the cue from Tony Reali, can be classified as a reporter. But can someone with a press pass and locker room access, but with no more information or insight than anyone sitting at home, be called one either? Does it even matter anymore?

Which is really just a long way of saying: Mariotti's a fucktard.

In Big Picture, Mariotti's Huge Part Of Story [Chicago Sun-Times]
You Write It, You Show Up [Chicago Tribune]
A Helpful Tip For Ozzie Guillen, And It's Free [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: The only thing we've read about this all week that didn't sound helplessly stupid was this Bob Klapisch piece, a writer smart enough to write about it without really writing about it at all. Aside from this piece, though, it never fails to amuse us how sports reporters are acting as if it's some sort of manly thing to enter the locker room and face people they criticize. Listen: We are writers, and we are all dorks. No matter how much you talk yourself into thinking you have a high level of testosterone because you stand behind your words, you're still a dude who types for a living and every single person you write about could kick your ass, without thinking or caring much about it. You're fooling yourself if you even pretend otherwise.)

The Ozzie Guillen calling Jay Mariotti a fag story is now nearing a week in the news, and this one keeps being fed by the main protagonists. Guillen is doing his part by mocking sensitivity training, but the real gasoline on the fire is Mariotti, whom, if we didn't know any better, would seem to — no! — be having all kinds of fun with this whole business. As The Big Lead points out, his Sunday column is full of choice tidbits.

• He continues to advocate the random two-week suspension.
• He actually writes the words "less important, he did not apologize to me, which breaks my heart." And it's so try: The owner of a lonely heart is so much better than the owner of a broken heart. (That's right; Jay Mariotti just made us quote Yes.)
• Mariotti says Frank Thomas once told him he "wanted to put a bat up my butt sideways," an image made even more disturbing by the fact that Mariotti recalls it so vividly.
• Mariotti claims Guillen once snuck behind him in the clubhouse and "pretended to have sex with me."

Jay Mariotti's column is reading like a "Penthouse" letter to the men he covers. Yeah, he's not letting this go away.

A Helpful Tip For Ozzie Guillen, And It's Free [Deadspin]
Naked Truth About Clubhouse [Chicago Sun-Times]

(Oh, by the way, Jay's even enlisted his father in this. Sad.)

• 1. Free Willy. So, is Ozzie Guillen on double-secret probation now? According to Bud Selig and White Sox GM Ken Williams, he is. And as if the Baseball Gods were testing the manager's new restraints, Chicago erased an eight-run deficit against the Astros on Sunday, only to lose in 13 innings, 10-9. Houston avoided a three-game sweep and broke the White Sox's nine-game winning streak. Tadahito Iguchi tied it with two out in the ninth with a grand slam, but Willy Taveras' RBI single in the 13th won it for Houston.

• 2. Somewhere Up There, Harry Caray is Mispronouncing Justin Morneau. Not even the return of Derek Lee could roust the Cubs from hibernation, Chicago suffering an 8-1 loss to the Twins as Minnesota registered a three-game sweep. Brad Radke threw seven shutout innings, and the Twins won their 14th of the past 16. Minnesota still trails first-place Detroit by 11 games, though.

• 3. We're Not Worthy! Jose Reyes went 4-for-5 for the second straight day, and Carlos Beltran had a three-run home run (his 20th) as the Mets beat the Blue Jays 7-4. Reyes extended his hitting streak to 13 games and is hitting.561 over his past 57 at-bats.

• 4. He Just Keeps Rollin' Along. Combined, they've hit 731 career homers — take that, Barry Bonds — and individually they're pretty impressive as well. Ken Griffey Jr. hit career homer No. 549 and Adam Dunn, well ... you do the math ... also had a homer to lead the Reds over the Indians 4-2. Griffey passed Mike Schmidt for No. 11 on the all-time list.

• 5. Livan Sells Cartoon Balloons In Town. Livan Hernandez won for the first time in four starts, and Royce Clayton had a three-run double to lead the Nationals over the Orioles 9-5. Hernandez, by the way, credits a midnight showing of the movie Tourismo the night before the game as the inspiration for his win. Um, OK.

(Oh, and the Cardinals haven't played in a week. Fancy that.)

"The guy told me when I got there [the sensitivity training] I had to show up to make it look good for people, so after about 15 minutes I left and walked right out of the room and it satisfied the powers that be.

"This is a free country. If he wants to use a lewd term, he should be able to use a lewd term. Can't you use a lewd term in America if you want?"

Yep. You sure can. But then the rest of the world has a right to think you're a complete douchebag. By the way, how's that working out for you, Rock? Did your career go pretty well after exercising your freedom to use lewd terms? Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that.

So there it is, Ozzie. It really couldn't be more clear, could it? I don't know if the training will do him any good, and I don't know if Ozzie will ultimately go. But I do know that this is career advice from John Rocker. John Rocker, Ozzie. Think about it.

Report: Rocker calls sensitivity training a 'farce' [ESPN.com]

He threatened to "start being nasty with the media," right before he walked out on the interview. Start being nasty with the media, Oz? After calling someone a 'fag'? That's like Brett Myers saying, "You know, I think I need to start putting my wife in her place."

Come on, Ozzie. Just do the training, simmer down for a bit, and see if you can learn something. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

In other White Sox news, there are accusations floating around that they are dirty, dirty, cheaters. Some unnamed Cardinals players are convinced that the Sox were using a camera in centerfield to tip off pitches in games one and two of their series. The White Sox went 40-for-88 in the first two games, but after the Cards changed their signs in the fifth inning of the third game, they went 4-for-36. Ozzie laughed off the accusations. At least he's got something to laugh about these days.

Guillen might 'start being nasty' with media [MSNBC.com]
Was camera tipping off White Sox to pitches? [STLtoday]
A Helpful Tip For Ozzie Guillen, And It's Free [Deadspin]
Brett Myers Punched His Wife In The Face [Deadspin]

Taking the high road, Mariotti calls for Guillen to be suspended for two weeks in his column today, painting Guillen as a loose cannon (which is probably true) and himself as a beacon for responsible journalism and advocacy (which is ... BWAHhahaahahahaaha!!!!!).

Guillen obviously made a mistake in his choice of words, and his apology — to those he offended — was probably warranted. Therefore, to make sure that Guillen's next tirade against Mariotti does not end in an apology, we helpfully offer this list of perfectly acceptable and accurate names for Ozzie Guillen to call Jay Mariotti in the future.

• "Douchebag."
• "Asshead."
• "Jerkoff."
• "Dingleberry."
• "Fartknocker."
• "Fucktard."

Actually: We suggest "Fucktard." That one just feels right.

Sensitivity The Issue, Guillen The Problem [Chicago Sun-Times]
Your Gay Sports News Roundup [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: Jay The Joke is indispensible in this regard.)

(SECOND UPDATE: The Dugout is all over this as well.)

• The soon-to-be-ex-wife of New York Giants defensive lineman Michael Strahan has accused him of an "alternative lifestyle" with TV doctor Ian Smith, who disputes the claim, saying he's a happily married man. Excuse us? On the down low, hell-LO??!!

• Three New York fire fighters refused to play a gay rugby team after asking for assurances that no one on the team was HIV-positive. To quote a Gotham Knights player: "[The FDNY player] came up and said something like, 'I don't mean to be a jerk, but . . .' and then he asked if we could all confirm that we were not HIV positive." The FDNY ended up forfeiting the game. The Gotham Knights, by the way, were co-founded by Mark Bingham, one of the passengers who rushed the cockpit on United Flight 93 on September 11.

• We feel obliged to point out that the word "fag" is obviously offensive and never to be used in a derogatory fashion. Therefore, we rap Ozzie Guillen on the knuckles for calling Jay Mariotti that yesterday. Frankly, we would have gone with "drag queen;" it's less offensive, and certainly funnier. And probably true, actually.

In Which Ozzie Calls Jay ... [Jay The Joke]
Wife Accuses Strahan Of Gay Affair [OutSports]

(UPDATE: Just thought you might want to muse on this story excerpt, from Guillen defending himself:

"He also said that he has gay friends, goes to WNBA games, went to the Madonna concert and plans to attend the Gay Games in Chicago. 'I called that of this man [Mariotti],'' [Guillen] said. 'I'm not trying to hurt anybody [else].''"

Our protagonist is White Sox rookie reliever Sean Tracey. The scene is Arlington, Tex. Chicago catcher A.J. Pierzynski had been beaned by Rangers' starter Vicente Padilla in both the second and fourth innings, and Tracey was brought in in the seventh to face Texas' Hank Blalock. According to one White Sox source, says the Chicago Sun-Times, Tracey was on goon duty; with specific instructions to hit Blalock. And Tracey indeed threw two pitches inside — both of which missed — before Blalock grounded out. That's when Guillen went a little nuts, angrily throwing a water bottle, pulling Tracey, and then yelling at him when he got back to the dugout. From the Sun-Times:

A Sox source said after the game that Tracey was informed he was being sent back down to Class AAA Charlotte. "Ozzie went nuts,'' one source said. "He had the ass, big-time.''

We're not sure what to think about this; baseball's "unwritten rules" have always confused us. It seems like a raw deal for Tracey, though, to be fair, as John Chaney can tell you, when coach tells you to go out and break an arm, you break the damned arm.

UPDATE: South Side Sox has an interesting take on this.

Sox Pitcher Dismissed After Miss [Chicago Sun-Times]

"Freddy has done the tests with us and Major League Baseball, and he's clean," [manager Ozzie] Guillen said. "If something involves you with the club and with Major League Baseball, you do something about it, but it has nothing to do with that.

In other words, since MLB has no policy about weed — and why should they, really? — Garcia should have no problems, should be able to keep all his money, keep his job, everything. That sound you hear? Ricky Williams, bashing his head against the wall.

Sox Downplay Garcia Report [Chicago Tribune]
The Sad Life Of Ricky Williams [Deadspin]

This might have something to do with the fact that they're not even the most popular team in their hometown, but we think it might be more simple than that. It might be hijinks like their stunt with TNA Wrestling, the video of which can be seen above. (TNA is also doing some sort of promotion with the White Sox this year.) It involves catcher A.J. Pierzynski, manager Ozzie Guillen and some TNA wrestler we've never heard of. And it reminds us that when it comes to managing a baseball team, it's about dignity ... always dignity.

TNA Issues White Sox World Title [TNA Revolution]

(By the way, the bewildered looks from Jose Contreras and Jim Thome are the best parts of this. Not that it's saying much.)

• Just so people in LA don't forget how cool he is, Matt Leinart is putting himself on billboards. [The Wizard of Odds]

• The highlight reel of Ohio State WR Ted Ginn. I'm not sure about the music behind it, but #7 is a stud. [Ohio LeBlog] via [Mister Irrelevant]

• A reader once told us how much Larry Johnson and Mariah Carey had in common. Bill Simmons thinks Mariah has more in common with Roger Clemens. I think she has a lot in common with a lot of other people I don't listen to, and that's about as much thought as I'm willing to put into it.

• Ozzie Guillen apologizes to Alex Rodriguez, and loses the respect of decent people everywhere. [The Sports Frog]

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The Washington Post has a huge interview with Ozzie, and it's 90 percent Ozzie goodness and 10 percent beleaguered PR reps trying to settle him down. Here's some of the highlights:

"I'm smarter than a lot of guys who go to Harvard. When you come to this country and you can't speak any English at 16 years old, and you have to survive, you have to have something smart in your body. If you take one of those Harvard guys and drop them in the middle of Caracas, they won't survive. But if you drop me in the middle of Harvard, I'll survive."

"A lot of managers try to control everything in the game. I don't try to do that. What I control is my team. I don't care who you are, I control your ass."

Just the tip of the Ozzie iceberg. Right now, we're guaranteeing that at some point during the World Series, Ozzie either flips off the camera or starts calling Joe Buck a child molestor. Or both.

Guillen Is Talk Of The Town [Washington Post]
America, Meet Ozzie Guillen [Deadspin]
What's On Ozzie's Mind [Yard Work]

What's the source of this? Tribune columnist Dawn Turner Rice says it could be "a Latin thing" but says it's more because Guillen "geniunely feels for his players," which is actually kinda more scary. We'll just say this to White Sox players: Just in case, make sure everybody wears a cup for Game 1 on Saturday, OK?

Guillen Is The Tender Man [Chicago Tribune]

(Yep, that picture was taken during Monday's NLCS Game 5. The camera cut away, but right after that, Bush Sr. ripped Barbara's blouse off and knew her in the Biblical sense right there in the box seats. Afterwards, he threw up on So Taguchi.)

The great Yard Work previews the madness with a mock Ozzie Guillen-As-Larry King column. Our favorite part:

Hey, if we stink it up, I m gonna tell you, Man, we stunk. If we play so bad I want to vomit, I ll vomit right in front of you, I don t care. If I wanna drop an f-bomb, then you better wear your kevlar jockstrap, because you re gonna catch some f-shrapnel right in your f-crotch. They don t call me Crazy Ozzie for nothing! Hell, Crazy Ozzie calls himself Crazy Ozzie!

We absolutely cannot wait.

What's On Ozzie's Mind [Yard Work]
Ozzie Guillen: Sexual Profiler [Deadspin]

Remember: You should not spam Ozzie Guillen. Particularly if you happen to be, in his words, "a homosexual, a child molester.

The playoffs with Ozzie Guillen might not be enriching for the soul, but they sure will be entertaining.

Sox Beat Tigers To Clinch AL Central [Chicago Sports]
Do Not Spam Ozzie Guillen [Deadspin]
Ozzie Guillen, Sexual Profiler [Deadspin]

We were going to try to come up with an email to send to Ozzie, but, frankly, we're afraid he's going to accuse us of child molestation. (Though perhaps those are the "nasty" emails he's talking about.)

We will, however, point out this charming site: Elena's Ozzie Guillen Home Page. It seems to be written by a 13-year-old girl back in 1998; it references how happy she is that the Baltimore Orioles — for whom the Ozzman played 12 games for back in '98 — and it spouts, "The White Sox can continue to lie to their fans and play them for fools, trying to make everybody else the bad guy, but the people who know the real story would have nothing to do with their organization. I am eternally grateful to the Baltimore Orioles for giving Ozzie the opportunity to play for a first-class organization with a legitimate chance to succeed."

Ten-to-one odds says Elena's last name rhymed with "Peein'."

White Sox Notes [Daily Southtown]
Elena's Ozzie Guillen Home Page [Angelfire]
Ozzie Guillen: Sexual Profiler [Deadspin]

This is what the White Sox manager said Monday:

"Hey, everybody, this guy's a homosexual! He's a child molester!"

OK, deep breath. Where to begin?

Oh, Guillen manages in Chicago; he was probably just talking about R. Kelly.

Guillen's Words Miss Mark

Lowell's Trick Saves Marlins [Miami Herald]
Hidden Ball Tricks [Retrosheet]
Germane To Virtually Nothing [Fire Joe Morgan]