In my Wednesday column about B.J. Upton, I wrote something that sparked a reaction.

The paragraph read: "The fact that Upton's not perfect makes him perfect. His propensity to be lazy (as witnessed in August when he 'decided' not to run hard on three different occasions), the fact that [Joe] Maddon literally pulled him off the field after not running out a double-play ground ball, the meaningless error in the seventh inning of Game 4 that allowed questions about his lack of focus to surface. All display a flaw in him that almost works to his advantage when kids and wannabe baseball players look at him and say 'I'm not perfect either, but look, he's still standing.'"

For some readers, my choice of words created a misunderstanding. When the word "lazy" appeared in the context of a story about black youth, some concluded I was implying African-American kids would find the flaw of Upton being "lazy" acceptable and endearing.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Upton has survived and triumphed despite numerous flaws. I mentioned several, in an attempt to show that it is his collection of imperfections that make him so publicly "human" — something not always so clearly visible with athletes today. That is also why I chose to finish the paragraph with the image of a kid — any kid, regardless of race, color or creed — who might identify with that humanity, realizing "I'm not perfect either, but look, he's still standing." My point is to highlight that we — as humans — can often identify with somebody through both their strengths and flaws, both of which are apparent in the new "hero." And regardless of the color of any kid's skin, flaws can be overcome.
—Scoop Jackson

Honestly, this is astounding. So instead of really apologizing (which he shouldn't have to, by the way), Scoop essentially has to tack on an extra 200 words explaining what he meant by his silly little one-off paragraph? Like a DVD extra version of Scoop Jackson. This isn't even controversy we're talking about here, but basically a re-edit. And by burying it at the bottom of Page 2 — without commenting capabilities — does that really control any damage? ESPN obviously thought this situation needed to be fixed and this is a truly bizarre way of handling it.

Why not just let him address the whole thing in a follow-up column? Or better yet, why not just make him spend a weekend at Le Anne Schreiber's house? It could be a very special E:60 episode.

Upton Clarification [Page 2] (Waaaay at the bottom)

(Yes, yes, we know, she'll be doing more than just writing columns for ESPN, just play along, OK? It's an exercise.)

Hill's debut column is clearly cut from the Here Comes A Personality Simmons/Easterbrook/Scoop mold rather than the Just Reporting Out Here On The Edge, Where Pop Culture And Sports INTERSECT! Hruby/Alipour/Keri school. It's theoretically all about who she is, what she thinks, what you should know about her, so on, and it's well-written enough, if oddly defensive: Most people, presumably, have no idea who she is and have to be wondering why she's choosing to introduce herself by claiming that your perceptions of her are skewed. We have perceptions? Hey, lady, we just met!

Honestly, we wish Ms. Hill good luck with her new post and sincerely hope this is the last one titled "Me On Me."

Me On Me [ESPN]
Page 2 Hands Out The Lucre [The Big Lead]

With the upheaval at Page 2 in the last few months settling in a bit, it's nice to see they're moving forward and finally putting a staff together. One of the first lucky scribes is Orlando Sentinel columnist Jemele Hill, whose name has become synonymous with the phrase "what the mother of fuckball!" thanks to a reporter $200,000/yr. salary from The Leader that has made other journalists lose faith in oh, about everything.

Not me, however. I'm just thrilled for her. Fucking thrilled.

Anyway, surely in the next few months there will be more hires, lest they have a staff of Bill Simmons and a bunch of black people not named Jason Whitlock. Naturally it begs the question what direction are they gonna go to next? Will they pull out some name writers? Celebrities? Bloggers? It's an exciting time for unknowns as well — making a shitty living as a sportswriter, holding onto the notion that maybe, if they can stand out enough, write witty enough prose about Arena Football, be edgy enough, then the ducat-pooping piggy bank of Page 2 might just actually select them to fill out the roster.

Or, they may go another direction.

So, today I'm putting on my DJ Gallo hairpiece, fantasizing about the Sports Gal in pleather chaps making me waffles, and placing odds on the next round of Page 2 hires.

Duh-nuh-nuh. Nuh-nuh-nuh. Jump.

—————————————————————

Dan Savage: 3/1

In order to create a more sexually diverse stable, the Page may have an interest in this popular syndicated gay columnist in order to draw away some of the traffic they're losing from OutSports.com. (A very bold, power play move in the world of Alexa Rankings — that's how the kids are checking the traffic these days.) Plus, Savage could serve as a ballast to Scoop Jones and fool everyone on Sports Center into thinking "Santorum" is a term he coined for wide receivers that suffer from alligator arms. Pass to Mike Furrey over the middle and...oh, Santorum!

Joe Eszterhas: 10/1

There needs to be another old curmudgeon type, and who better to fill that then the screenwriter/author Eszterhas? He could write 8,000 word weekly columns telling the seedier, Hollywood side of sports: Like interspersing lengthy exhortations about the Kurt Rambis' role in LA basketball history with a story about how a young Sharon Stone once wobbled up to his house in Beverly HIlls at 4 a.m. and took a crap on his cat.

Michelle Malkin: 5/1

Trying to add more female voices to the fray, the Page will turn to Malkin for her sassy conservative wit and her ability to dissect all the pressing women's issues in sports — salary, sexual exploitation, rampant cooze-hounding — and offer a more biased opinion. They'll hire her because she "probably knows a thing or two about golf" and also satisfies that all important "Uptight Asian Chick I'd Like to Bang" quotient that's been missing from the online version since its inception.

Bob Greene: 12/1

The disgraced Chicago Tribune columnist could have a great home at the Page 2, despite his shady, embarrassing past. However, staffers will become skeptical when he heavily lobbies to mentor "Young Mary Buckheit" from the privacy of his own home, and most of his columns come with the hed Ways I'd Nail Brian Urlacher's Sweet Ass Girlfriend.

Rev. Fred Phelps: 20/1

Don't be fooled his crazy Baptist braying — in addition to hatin' fags, the good reverend loves him some football! If you need proof, go online and you can find him photographed wearing more NFL jerseys than most hip hop stars. Of course, most of his columns would be centered around all the teams that Esera Tualo once played for and how they're all destined to be sodomized by saber-footed demons in the fiery pits of hell. But that's pretty much what Easterbrook's columns are about anyway.

Hill, most famous for her Riding Around With Athletes series and a private blog she wrote a while back that had some dopey white male sports reporters' panties all in an unnecessary bunch, should end up with a rather prominent space on that Page 2 masthead. How do we know? Because The Big Lead is reporting that she is — get ready — going to be paid $400,000 during her two-year stint.

No offense to Hill, but ... jiminy christmas.

So, anybody else looking for a job with The Leader, we suggest you start polishing up your resumes. And all you newspaper people reading this, please stop hitting yourself in the face with that shovel.

Page 2 Has A New Hire [The Big Lead]

(UPDATE: Hill confirms the hiring, but not the salary figure, on her site.)

According to several sources, and now backed up by The Big Lead, this is the final week for everybody's favorite Big Bag of Douche Skip Bayless. He is leaving Page 2 after an ill-considered term there, where his brand of, uh, Contrarian Assholianess never seemed to fit in with jokes about reality shows and "24 College Avenue." No official statement has been made, but don't expe

Alas, Bayless is not leaving the network entirely; he will continue his nasal diatribes at "Cold Pizza," though unless you're the type of person who likes to watch your morning shows at 11 a.m., that shouldn't affect your lives too much.

Bayless schtick, of course, has always been to play a role as "villain," as if taking ridiculous, nonsensical stances on topics and having readers justifiably call him an idiot somehow constituted "debate." We're sure someone will miss him, somewhere. Maybe.

Have We Finally Seen the Last of Skip Bayless on ESPN.com's Page 2? [The Big Lead]
Why Your Hometown Columnist Sucks [Deadspin]

No, seriously: There's an ad for a "general editor" at JournalismJobs.com. Applications will be required to "plan, coordinate, edit and publish content for ESPN.com's Page 2," "a basic appreciation of popular culture, e.g., 'what's cool'" and be able to adequately organize Bill Simmons' Tivo. ("Sir, can we please delete this "Making The Band" already? Please?")

Seriously, though: We've been looking over the requirements for this job, and we can't think of a single Deadspin commenter who isn't at least partly qualified for the job. We encourage all of you to apply. We wouldn't mind having a guy/lady over there on the inside, if just to find out how much everybody laughs everytime Bayless files something.

ESPN Page 2 General Editor [Journalism Jobs]

(UPDATE: For those wondering, that photo is from the infamous "24 College Avenue" serialized novel by Jim Caple.)

Well guess what, folks? According to sources, Easterbook's column will return to Page 2 tomorrow with his annual NFL Draft preview. The column is always one of our favorites of his, even if he never fails to dump on the Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals.

We think this might have something to do with a new regime over there at ESPN.com, or maybe 2 1/2 years was the initial sentence from Bristol. A bunch has changed since Easterbrook last haunted the pixels of Page 2; we're curious to see how he fits in now. But we welcome him back: We're tired of being the only site with cheerleader photos.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback [NFL.com]
The Easterbrook Kerfuffle [Opinion Journal]

We know, we know; we're going through tissues like crazy here too. But if you go to Page 3's front page, it automatically redirects you to Page 2. (You can even try this using any random old Page 3 story.)

We find this extremely sad, not because Page 3 is gone, but because we never got to say goodbye. Where will be without ... um ... well ... what is it they did again? Anybody who might know anything about this is encouraged to let us know at tips@deadspin.com. Because we can't accept that it's gone. Hell, we were just checking it ... er ... a few weeks ago! It's like we were just there!

Page 3/Page 2 [ESPN.com]

(Update: Yep, it's definitely all gone. "We are consolidating our pop-culture oriented content on ESPN.com into Page 2," say the suits. You know, this is no way to keep up with those hip folks at CBS Sportsline's "Spin." Just saying.)

Still, remember: You've heard the expression "let's get busy?" Well, Emack is a fantasy baseball columnist who gets biz-zay.

Spin [CBS Sportsline]
Yo, CBS Sportsline Is Rad, Dude [Deadspin]

We regretfully introduce you to CBS Sportsline's "Spin On Sports," which is what Page 2 would be if Page 2 were torn apart by wolves and reconstructed by Corky from "Life Goes On." It's a desperate, kind of sad attempt to be "cool;" you know, hit the sports fan who, you know, like, knows about Coldplay and stuff.

It pretty much hits all the bases. Gratuitious exclamation points? Check. Jokes about Tom Cruise? Check. Frightening animatronic Shanoff-esque head with eyes that move around the page? Check. Attempt to make dopey fantasy columnist "hip" by giving him a mugshot with a backwards hat and calling him "E-Mack?" Check check check. (E-Mack actually reminds us so much of Homer Simpson's Poochie character on "Itchy and Scratchy" that Matt Groening should sue.)

Remember after "grunge" hit, and all of a sudden newspapers were convinced they could be cool by making references to flannel? That's what this feels like, if infinitely, massively dorkier. But hey: Spin On Sports is out of control, yo!

"Spin On Sports" [CBS Sportsline]

"It s a risk-reward kind of thing, said Hendry. If we fire him we get to act on our deep-seeded racist instincts, which would be a lot of fun. But for me, at least, in the excitement of firing a black guy I d probably struggle to hide my giddiness and the media would be on to all of us."

Cubs fans have been clammoring for Baker's firing for almost two years now too, though more because of his role in Steve Stone's firing and his inability to control his children than the team's performance. (Same thing happened to Felipe and Moises Alou this year, by the way.)

Cubs Management Unsure How To Fire Baker Without Exposing That They're Racists [SportsPickle]
Color Blind [ESPN Page 2]

Since they didn't give us any individual nominees for the best "commentary" on Page 2, we're just gonna go ahead and guess:

• Rachel Nichols' interview with tennis star James Blake on what gifts to give your girlfriend.
• Nick Bakay's gripping and daring comparison between Darth Vader and George Steinbrenner. (Apparently they're both bad guys.)
• Bristol Bob's achingly beautiful song parody "Are You Strong Enough To Beat My Lance?"
• Skip. Freaking. Bayless.

We were gonna count 24 College Avenue, but we figured that only qualifies for a National Book Award. To clarify.

Congrats, Page 2!

Page 2 [ESPN]
Best Online Commentary (Large) [CyberJournalist]

And now we know why the music sounds so, uh ... you know, if you can't say anything nice. Autologic is in fact Bristol Bob, a.k.a., Gino Bona, a.k.a., guy who does those Page 2 song parodies that you have never, ever clicked on. Apparently they were in a band called Autologic before becoming the Page 2 Weird Als, and now they're back. So now we know. We feel kinda stupid for having asked, actually.

Oh, and a reader needed to vent on the whole 24 College Avenue experience, so we thought we'd oblige him:

ESPN s 24 College Ave what a complete joke? What were the people at ESPN.com thinking? This series if you can call it that is filled with just about every stereotype in the book. Not only is there a civil engineering student from Tunisia with radical views named Ahmed Muhammed there is also the token BLACK GUY named Kenan Hill who so happens to play linebacker on the football team... I cannot believe this actually made the final cutting board for Page 2. If this contrived forced fed concept makes it through a three times a week schedule throughout the school year I will be really surprised. The geniuses at ESPN have done it again and they always wonder why people are so critical about their network and how much it has fallen off.

We have to say, we're kind of impressed: We didn't know anyone actually made it that far into the series.

Bristol Bob Rock On [Sea Coast Online]
ESPN Can't Name That Band [Deadspin]

According to the page, it's a band called "Autologic." We've done some preliminary searching here, and we can find absolutely no confirmation of Autologic's existence before this Page 2 story. Who is it? Did they get paid for their unique brand of rockitude? Is it just Caple and some of his old buddies? Anybody know?

"24 College Avenue [ESPN Page 2]
There Are Fake People On Page 2, And They're In College [Deadspin]

We mean, we know Jim had a great time on his little college trips last year ... but seriously, they are kidding, right? RIGHT?!

24 College Avenue [Page 2]
I Can't Wait To Go Home [Michigan State News]

So how is she? Well, for a college student, she's not inherently awful, considering how difficult her assignment is; namely, sound like a giggly college girl without sounding too much like a giggly college girl. The real pissed-off folks are the UCLA bloggers:

ESPN.com's Page 2 reached out to a SUC female sophomore to be a special contributor to the site so she can write about how cute Matt Leinart is. Great use of bandwidth.

ESPN has offically become the standard bearer for MSM drivel.

Talkin' About Matt Leinart [Page 2]
Take a Break and Take In Los Angeles [Daily Trojan]
ESPN Appeals To Lowest Common Denominator [Bruins Nation]

Page 2 announced its Ultimate Sneaker Bracket today. The point: Vote for your favorite athletic sneakers from throughout the years. That's right: Page 2 is asking you to vote on shoes. We, for one, will be up all night, sweating that Puma Clydes vs. Reebok The Pump contest. We know everyone's bored at work all day. But honestly, people: Are you that bored?

Ultimate Sneaker Bracket [ESPN Page 2]

Ogle is a freelancer for ESPN, and his story, written after visiting a family member in Guam, was universally blasted by people who live in Guam, even inspiring legislation from Guam's cute impersonation of a Congress. The "tsunami of uproar" — as one Guam columnist called it — was overwhelming, to the point that ESPN Communications flak Paul Melvin called into KUAM Radio and formally apologized for the story. Not just that: He pretty much threw Ogle (whose story was presumably fact-checked and run through the editing ringer) under the bus.

Tony Blaz (KUAM): What is your title sir at ESPN for the benefit of our listening audience?

Paul Melvin (ESPN): I'm with ESPN Communications. I am aware of the piece and actually I was calling because I do have an apology for that.

KUAM: And if you would Mr. Melvin, relay that apology there are thousands of people listening to you right now, and I think we would welcome this apology.

ESPN: One clarification - Mike Ogle is a freelance writer for us.

KUAM: And so he doesn't work for ESPN?

ESPN: He is not an ESPN employee. ESPN.com sincerely apologizes for the use of the hearsay in regards to families and daughters and for any directly or indirectly offensive statements in the story that ran about cockfighting on Guam. It was insensitive, inappropriate and the story has been removed from the site and its archives.

Now. ESPN.com, as anyone who has read the site knows, uses a ton of freelancers; Page 2 and (especially) Page 3 are stacked with them. Ogle might not have been an ESPN employee, but that doesn't mean he hacked into ESPN.com and just threw the story up there. And ESPN has never said anything in the story was wrong. But now the story is gone, Ogle looks like a jerk, his Page 3 email address no longer works and ESPN keeps its grubby mitts clean. But why? Is this what happens anytime anybody so much as farts in protest about an ESPN story? Anybody know what's going on here? Wanna drop us a line?

Demanding Retraction And Apology From Walt Disney Company [GuamLegislature.com]
ESPN Apologizes On KUAM Radio [KUAM.com]

(Update: Google, God bless 'em, have cached the cockfighting story. Don't tell those angry Guamites! Guamians? Guamans?)

Boy, do we know that feeling.

Blood, Sweat and Cockfighting [Page 2]