1. They guaranteed Jake Delhomme $20 million. Even worse, Delhomme's massive contract extension all but ensures he'll remain with the team for three more years at the minimum. That's a terrifying prospect given just how truly, spectacularly awful he was against Arizona in the playoffs in January. Everyone has bad games, true. But this was more than that. Delhomme's performance that night was a flaming shitwreck so profound in its ineptness that a mere nine-month break will do little to wash away its searing memory. It was a defining masterpiece of shittiness. From now until the day he hangs up his cleats, every football fan watching Jake Delhomme play quarterback will do so with the same measure of trepidation a mafia witness has while turning a car key. Oh sure, maybe he'll have the occasional 300 yard game this season, and maybe the Panthers will win 11 games again and win the division. But that will do little to ease the skepticism, to dull the anticipation most fans of have seeing Delhomme inevitably crumble once more. It's like waiting for Britney to get fat again. It's a fait accompli. Everything between now and that moment is just window dressing, for when the real Delhomme comes back out, throwing passes to areas where there are no teammates, and giving us the unforgettable gifs we crave so very much.

2. John Fox used to be a good coach. Let's revisit that Arizona disaster one more time. On the game's first drive, the Panthers scored a touchdown. The drive encompassed 50 yards, 41 of which were compiled on the ground, on three carries. After this drive ended and the Panthers had a 7-0 lead, they ran the ball three consecutive times with DeAngelo Williams on their next possession and were forced to punt. After these two first drives, the Panthers had a rushing average of 8.2 yards a carry, which is pretty fucking solid. They would go on to run the ball a grand total of nine more times the entire game. Nine times?

Niiine times.

Which brings me to my next point…

3. They fucked DeAngelo Williams, and they fucked you. DeAngelo Williams, who was unstoppable by the end of the regular season last year, ran the ball 12 times against Arizona that night. It fits a pattern where the Panthers have steadfastly refused to use Williams properly in key moments, most notably the entire years of 2006 and 2007. The number of fantasy football owners dicked over by the Panthers in that time is gargantuan. Everyone knew he had potential, yet there he was, stuck behind DeShaun Foster. What kinda blowjob does DeShaun Foster give? It got to the point where most fantasy owners gave up on Williams, which means that the people who benefited from Williams' astonishing season in 2008 were lucky fucksticks who happened to take a flyer on him. LOOKING AT YOU, DAN STEINBERG. Speaking of Jews…

4. They cut Goldberg! It's true. Former WCW superstar Bill Goldberg was the first player ever cut by the Panthers. How dare you, Carolina. This man started his wrestling career 108-0. The fact that the entire streak was scripted only makes it MORE impressive, you pricks! NEW BABYFACES NEVER GET THAT KIND OF MAJOR PUSH!

5. The least they could do is find another decent receiver to complement Steve Smith. We don't want that fella punching any more babies.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.

Even though the Buzzsaw are apparently changing hearts, saving lives, they still have no shot according to most prognosticators. But what if the Arizona Cardinals do miraculously make their way to the NFC Championship game? If that happens, well, expect an Emeritus explosion all over the internet.

• "The Cardinals played well on defense while beating the Falcons in a first-round playoff game last weekend, highlighted by CB Antrel Rolle's fumble return for a touchdown. But Arizona ranked only 19th in the NFL in total defense during the regular season. That was only one spot behind the Panthers, however. . . . Carolina surrendered 381 passing yards to Warner when the Panthers beat the Cardinals in Week 8 of the regular season, but limited Arizona to 50 rushing yards, with only 20 of them from running backs." [WaPo]

•"I couldn't help but start this thread a little early as game day has finally arrived yet we still have to wait ALL DAY. For me tonights game is about making a statement that the Panthers are truly one of the best four teams in the NFL. If they win tonight then the rest is all gravy." [Cat Scratch Reader]

• "I’ve chronicled my thoughts this week about how the Cardinals continue to not gain any respect throughout the country. I won’t say much more on that subject. However, the only way the Cardinals are going to be able to erase doubters is to go and win. Playing them close will quiet some, but it won’t be enough. Now the Cardinals may come out and play their best and that won’t be enough either to win this game. Time will tell." [Raising Zona]

• "Stewart likes the “Double Trouble” moniker, though, because it treats the two as equals. “It's more focused on unity than anything,” Stewart said. “Whether DeAngelo or me is in, the defense has trouble on its hands.” [Charlotte Observer]

• "Few beyond the team, its rabid fans, lovers of the red crested finch and Vatican-philes expect this team to win. The skepticism is well founded but history has demonstrated Dewey doesn't always beat Truman and predictions mean zilch when the unexpected interferes. An inspired defense, a nervous kicker or a surprising weather pattern can change everything." [Arizona Republic]

• "Many experts think that this matchup will turn into a lopsided affair in Carolina's favor, but the game will be much closer than anticipated. The Panthers had a tough time slowing the Cardinals down during the first meeting, and Whisenhunt may opt to use the no-huddle earlier to get his team into a flow early. However, the Panthers' defense will eventually force Warner into costly mistakes, and the power running game will eventually wear down the Cardinals in the second half. Look for the Panthers to pull away late. Panthers win 31-21." [SI]

PHOTO: Jay2theJay