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Here Are 14 Things You Will Say To Your Kids A Million Goddamn Times

I have three kids. They don’t fucking listen. One day, God as my witness, they will listen. They will stop, turn around, not talk for five seconds, and say to me, “Wow, I never thought of it that way before. Thanks, Dad!” I swear it will happen. I will destroy entire countries if I have to make it so. But until then,… » 7/16/15 2:50pm 7/16/15 2:50pm

Teen Mom 2 Is Back: Why Are We Still Watching This Shit?

The sixth season of MTV’s Teen Mom 2 is upon us, disrupting our Thursday nights with the usual turmoil: custody battles, problematic exes, run-ins with the law, souring relationships, and so forth. At this point, the four young stars of the series, who we first met in 2010 on the network’s flagship show 16 & Pregnant, » 7/16/15 1:00pm 7/16/15 1:00pm

The Gamer Parent's Dilemma

Of all the strange things that come with writing about video games for a living, raising kids while doing so might be the strangest. We have daughters, who are now 3 and (almost) 5. They are old enough to know that when Dad is holed up in his office over the garage, there’s a very good chance that he is camped in… » 7/11/15 11:07am 7/11/15 11:07am

Ayesha Curry On Parenting A Viral Sports Baby: Let Her Live 

Riley Curry, who remains the top sports baby in the game, has now stolen the show at multiple NBA postgame press conferences, up on the podium addressing her fans and upstaging her MVP father, Steph, much to the chagrin of some dumb idiot heartless man-babies and the delight of other (i.e., normal and reasonable)… » 6/05/15 1:12pm 6/05/15 1:12pm

Stay-At-Home Dads Of The World, Unite!

We are a vast, disconnected, sleep-deprived sleeper cell. We are everywhere you look, hiding in plain sight, picking out the just-ripe mangoes at the grocery store or pushing our swinging kids at the playground. We kiss boo-boos, braid hair, and fix the kitchen faucet. Call us Mr. Moms, stay-at-home dads, or house… » 6/03/15 10:02am 6/03/15 10:02am

A Semi-Competent Father's Guide To Volunteering At Your Kid's School

One of the best parts of being a dad in public is the generalized expectation that you are basically a greased-up Kevin James playing banana-cream-pie Jenga with the Queen Mum. Remember those early solo outings with your baby and the generously low bar that you were held to? Doors held open, the fawning looks from the… » 5/18/15 2:52pm 5/18/15 2:52pm

Sounds On My Newborn Son’s Sleep-Therapy Machine, Ranked

My wife recently gave birth to a healthy baby boy that we named Ellis. He is a prodigious eater and likes a warm bath. (We have experimented both with a white foam tub and a mesh blue one that resembles a patio chair. I prefer the latter on all counts with the exception of its aquatic-themed design, which is insulting… » 5/05/15 11:28am 5/05/15 11:28am

I Went to a Simulated Teen Drinking Party and It Freaked Me the Fuck Out

I’m far from the target audience for the simulated teen drinking party I attended last weekend—that audience being freaked-out parents who want to see what really goes on at the hormone-fueled ragers their children are just starting to attend—but let me start by saying that the whole thing was very effective. I was… » 5/04/15 8:00pm 5/04/15 8:00pm

How To Make Friends With Other Parents Without Embarrassing Yourself

Hi, new parent. Welcome. So you have a kid now, and you may think sleepless nights and wide-arcing pee hitting you in the eye from an unencumbered baby penis are the worst things you'll face. But you are wrong. There is something else coming that could scare you into living in total obscurity in a yurt on a… » 3/31/15 11:18am 3/31/15 11:18am

How To Talk To Your Kids About Sexual Assault And Sports 

When I thought my son was old enough to understand the concept of "no means no," I said those exact words to him when he appeared unwilling to back away from a confrontation-in-the-making. This kind of situation arose frequently—the playground, a playdate, just being around his younger sister. "Jonny said he doesn't… » 3/13/15 11:42am 3/13/15 11:42am

A Squeamish New Dad's Guide To Diapers

In Act of Valor, the 2012 movie where real active-duty Navy SEALs play fictional active-duty Navy SEALs, there's a moment where two elite, hardened warriors are discussing fatherhood, and one of them mentions the scariest thing about it: diapers. If fucking SEALs can't handle diapers, is there any hope for the rest… » 3/02/15 11:28am 3/02/15 11:28am

How to Talk About Race with Your Kids

It'd be wonderful if you could just say to children, "People might look different and come from different places, but we're all equal and should be treated the same" and leave it at that. But if recent news has taught us anything, it's that reality is not so simple, and we need to face the topics of race and racism… » 1/25/15 2:07pm 1/25/15 2:07pm

"Next Week ... Is My Seventh Funeral For Someone Younger Than Me"

Drew Magary's piece this week on over-competitive kids (and parents) mentioned Fairfax, Va.'s prestigious W.T. Woodson High School, where six students have committed suicide in the past three years. Below is a lengthy, remarkable letter we've received from Ryan Mull, a recent Woodson graduate. » 7/17/14 1:10pm 7/17/14 1:10pm

Down With America's Kid-Competition Complex

I was at a parent's night at my kid's school a couple of years ago—one of those things where you go to the school at night to meet the kid's teacher and eat a cookie and listen as the teacher tells you all the shit they do in class every day, and then you nod your head in approval. "Ah, yes. MUSIC TIME. That will… » 7/15/14 11:10am 7/15/14 11:10am

​Do Not Pimp Your Child Out on Social Media

How much social-media exposure should your small children get? One answer, for parents who appropriately respect but are perhaps also in denial about the invasive power of the internet, is "none." Don't Facebook your kid, don't Vine your kid, don't Tweet about your kid. That's probably the correct answer, the way… » 7/09/14 12:59pm 7/09/14 12:59pm