The Only True Valuable Parenting Commodity Is Time

Parenting media is mostly bullshit. It’s like mainstream beauty media, only with the added gravitas of being about, you know, the nurturing of the next generation. A list of the best strollers isn’t any different than a list of the best mascaras; like, all the versions basically work. Some are better, but they are…

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How To Survive A Long Car Trip With Your Kids

It’s that time of year. Time to visit those weird, faraway relatives in weird, faraway places, where the Target and the Costco and the Whole Foods are all switched around. It’s time to roll down hundreds of miles of dear old Ike’s eight-lane American dream, leaving one suburban hellscape for another. It’s time for the…

Here Are 14 Things You Will Say To Your Kids A Million Goddamn Times

I have three kids. They don’t fucking listen. One day, God as my witness, they will listen. They will stop, turn around, not talk for five seconds, and say to me, “Wow, I never thought of it that way before. Thanks, Dad!” I swear it will happen. I will destroy entire countries if I have to make it so. But until then,…

Teen Mom 2 Is Back: Why Are We Still Watching This Shit?

The sixth season of MTV’s Teen Mom 2 is upon us, disrupting our Thursday nights with the usual turmoil: custody battles, problematic exes, run-ins with the law, souring relationships, and so forth. At this point, the four young stars of the series, who we first met in 2010 on the network’s flagship show 16 & Pregnant,

Ayesha Curry On Parenting A Viral Sports Baby: Let Her Live 

Riley Curry, who remains the top sports baby in the game, has now stolen the show at multiple NBA postgame press conferences, up on the podium addressing her fans and upstaging her MVP father, Steph, much to the chagrin of some dumb idiot heartless man-babies and the delight of other (i.e., normal and reasonable)…

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A Semi-Competent Father's Guide To Volunteering At Your Kid's School

One of the best parts of being a dad in public is the generalized expectation that you are basically a greased-up Kevin James playing banana-cream-pie Jenga with the Queen Mum. Remember those early solo outings with your baby and the generously low bar that you were held to? Doors held open, the fawning looks from the…

Sounds On My Newborn Son’s Sleep-Therapy Machine, Ranked

My wife recently gave birth to a healthy baby boy that we named Ellis. He is a prodigious eater and likes a warm bath. (We have experimented both with a white foam tub and a mesh blue one that resembles a patio chair. I prefer the latter on all counts with the exception of its aquatic-themed design, which is insulting…

I Went to a Simulated Teen Drinking Party and It Freaked Me the Fuck Out

I’m far from the target audience for the simulated teen drinking party I attended last weekend—that audience being freaked-out parents who want to see what really goes on at the hormone-fueled ragers their children are just starting to attend—but let me start by saying that the whole thing was very effective. I was…

How To Make Friends With Other Parents Without Embarrassing Yourself

Hi, new parent. Welcome. So you have a kid now, and you may think sleepless nights and wide-arcing pee hitting you in the eye from an unencumbered baby penis are the worst things you'll face. But you are wrong. There is something else coming that could scare you into living in total obscurity in a yurt on a…

How To Talk To Your Kids About Sexual Assault And Sports 

When I thought my son was old enough to understand the concept of "no means no," I said those exact words to him when he appeared unwilling to back away from a confrontation-in-the-making. This kind of situation arose frequently—the playground, a playdate, just being around his younger sister. "Jonny said he doesn't…