Kinahan resigned as the coach of the 6- and 7-year-old girls team (not pictured) before the season even started, due to a hilarious and possibly insane email sent to parents as a way to introduce himself. Rather than try to explain it, let's get right to the fun. This portion of the letter is aimed at the sideline behavior of the parents, and is possibly my favorite part:

It is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something.

Other excerpts (keep in mind this team is comprised of 6- and 7-year-old girls):

OK, here's the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge "Team 7" for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don't need to talk to me.

I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the "W" in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it's good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can't handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines.

America's youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as "bad". I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don't animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn't grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food.

Who's with me? Go Green Death!

Hilarity did not ensue. From Kinahan's resignation letter:

Team, After careful consideration, I have decided to resign from all coaching responsibilities related to Team 7 this season. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that some parents and the Board of Scituate Soccer failed to see the humor in my pre-season email.

And finally, from the Quincy Patriot Ledger mailbag:

• Spectacular.... too bad these girls will have their coach replaced by some Starbucks sipping, land rover driving parent with no love and/or knowledge of the game. But on the bright side, everyone will get a trophy and there will be oranges for all during timeouts. I'd let my daughter play for this man in a heartbeat. — johnny_moore 2 hours ago

• I think judge smails said it best; 'The man's a menace!' — undacovabrotha 4 hours ago

Scituate "Green Death" Soccer Coach Resigns [Patriot Ledger]

Nathan Moore, of Peroia, Ariz., was playing in a tournament at the Golf Club of Estrella in Goodyear, Ariz., on March 1, when he confronted a 12-year-old whom he accused of taking his ball. A group of boys had been collecting balls on the course. A measured, peaceful exchange ensued.

According to police, Moore got into an argument with a child near hole No. 15, picked up the boy by the neck and crotch and threw him into a bush. He then hit the child in the calf with a golf club and went back to playing, police said. Both Sprague and the boy's mother described the boy as small for his age and weighing less than 80 pounds. Neither could imagine him provoking such an attack.

Moore was subsequently arrested (thus this accompanying glamor shot), and could face felony charges. The most troubling aspect of this story, however, is the following paragraph:

Julio Laboy, a supervising attorney for Moore's attorneys, said Moore denies the allegations but declined to comment further.

And so we are left to ask, who supervises the supervising attorney for Moore's attorneys?

Don't Mess With Nathan Moore's Balls [The Dreamin' Demon]
Golfer Charged In Attack On 12-Year-Old Boy [12News]

Yeah, that would save a lot of time. Above is the Freedom High (Bethlehem, Pa.) cheerleading team, and they had a busy December. Steven Russo, 36, — our early choice for Father of the Year — has a 17-year-old son who attends Freedom, and they decided to host a party. In attendance were several Freedom cheerleaders. And like all good parties, it occurred in the basement and included booze and a stripper pole.

The teens allegedly listened to Russo spin tales about his sexual exploits and drank vodka, rum and beer he gave them. They also mingled in the basement while he played music and shouted, "Get on that pole," according to a criminal complaint filed by Bethlehem Township police at the office of District Judge Joseph Barner.

Does it even need to be said that photos were taken, and that they showed up on Facebook? One of the photos — showing two of the girls kissing Russo on the cheek — began circulating at school. This caused members of the cheerleading team to begin arguing, and one of them showed the photo to a school administrator. Hilarity did not ensue. Mr. Russo now has some 'splaining to do to a judge. More fun stuff:

The girls said Russo did not try anything with them, but encouraged one 16-year-old as she removed her shirt during the Dec. 12 party. One teen mentioned Russo's house has a room called "the cave" on the second floor where people have sex. One boy claimed he was there that night because another teen planned to have sex and he was "hooking up," with one of the other girls. The boy said they left after his friend was finished.

A 14-year-old girl said she drank Red Bull and vodka at the party and Russo's son became sick from excessive consumption. She later sneaked out of the house with a friend because "the rule is that if you drink alcohol there you have to sleep over because (Russo) doesn't want to get in trouble ..."

I look forward to more fine reporting like this from Precious Petty.

UPDATE: Mr. Russo's mug shot.

UPDATE: Apparently Russo won some "Sexiest Bartender" competition a while back. Busted Coverage has the shirtless (of course) photos.

Steven Russo, 36, Accused Of Hosting Teen Drinking Parties, Encouraging Pole Dancing [Leigh Valley News]
Police: Cheerleaders Danced On Stripper Pole, Teens Drank Alcohol At Adult-Hosted Party [Leigh Valley News]
Freedom High School Varsity Cheerleading Squad
Steve Russo Is One Of The Cool Parents, Wants High School Cheerleaders To Get On Stripper Pole [Busted Coverage]

Pictured here we see Mark A. Belanger, 34, of Sarasota, who was arrested on charges of child endangerment on Sunday night when he allegedly let his eight-year-old son drive a van, which almost plowed into two Toronto FC coaches who were walking nearby. Some tremendous quotes here, so let's get right to them.

Belanger told police he was "feeling woozy and didn't want to drive." He also told them he let his child drive "because he wanted to have a bonding moment with his son." The two pedestrians nearly hit by the child driver are coaches with a Major League Soccer club team, Toronto FC. The team has been in the area for about a week in a training camp.

Witnesses said the boy crashed the van into a tree, shattering the driver's side rear window, after the two coaches got out of the way. The boy then crashed a second time into a tree, damaging the car's radiator, the police report said.

When police arrived, Belanger fell to the ground after he dropped his wallet. When he fell, he slammed his face on the pavement, leaving a gash on the bridge of his nose. The boy told police his father took "liquid medicine in order to feel better." He pointed to an empty bottle of Canadian whiskey in the vehicle.

Mark A. Belanger just pawn in game of life!

Please note that this story has nothing to do with Mark Belanger, the former shortstop for the Baltimore Orioles.

Father Charged When Eight-Year-Old Son Causes Damage [Bradenton Herald]

Meet Todd Gerleman, 44, of Gilbertville, who was arrested on Friday for "distributing a controlled substance to a minor." In this case, the distribution came in the form of a needle in the kid's ass. Oh, and the youngster in question is 14. What took dad so long?

The boy had assaulted his mother at her Gilbertville home Nov. 19, and officers who responded found a syringe and 105 pills in the boy’s bedroom, court records state. The teen told authorities his father gave him the pills during an earlier weekend visitation, records state. The father “admitted to bringing the needle and pills from his residence ... and supplying them to ‘motivate’ his son about sports.”

How this is not Bill Romanowski is a major upset.

From Steroid Nation: Gilbertville is a hotbed of high school wrestling. Several D-1 wrestlers started their careers at Don Bosco High School in the small Iowa town. Hopefully they were clean.

Wouldn't it have been a lot easier for Gerleman just to change his last name?

Iowa Teenager Assaults Mother; Cops Find Father Juiced Up The Son For 'Motivation' [Steroid Nation]
Man Accused Of Giving Son Steroids [Waterloo Courier]

Ray Floriani is a blogger who doubles as a youth basketball ref in the Orange, N.J., area. On Monday he found himself officiating a sixth-grade boys game between South Orange and West Orange, the latter team being coached by Sen. Richard Codey, D-NJ.

We get going and early on South Orange gets out to a lead. Codey shows a little of the mentor that works about a half mile down the road by debating a few calls or no calls. Still, he is working hard genuinely teaching and encouraging his kids. On one play I call a three seconds on his player. 'His foot wasn’t in the lane,' Codey protests, 'Coach it was,' I answer politely. Plus I gave him about five seconds.' "

"During a time out, my partner comes over and tells me Codey wants a Technical on the South Orange cheerleaders. 'Why,' I ask. 'He said they are too loud and he can’t think.' I suggest to my partner let’s just move on.

Codey, whose team lost by 32, was acting governor of New Jersey when Jim McGreevey resigned in 2004. He also once introduced a bill to remove the word "idiot" from the New Jersey Constitution. So you know that in order to break that iron concentration, those cheerleaders must have been really raucous!

Thou Shalt Not Tech The Cheerleaders [Rush The Court]

School officials learned of the photos in August, in which two cheerleaders took nude photos of themselves and sent them to their boyfriends via text message. Then, according to the girls, they tried to delete them; with hilarious results.

One of the pictures was taken three years ago and sent to the teen's then-boyfriend. The other was snapped in June. The lawsuits allege that the girls believed they had deleted the photos, but accidentally sent them to members of the football team.

Funny how these types of photos are never sent to members of the computer club. Both girls got suspensions.

The parents of the two girls are suing because, they contend, their children were being singled out for discipline when other students who actually distributed the photos weren't punished at all. They also say that members of the faculty passed the photos around to other teachers.

Parents Sue School Of Cheerleaders' Nude Photo Suspension [Fox News]

From the Danville Journal-Gazette:

"We have racial profiling going on," said Frank McCullough, pastor of Mount Olive Christian Church, adding that's the only explanation in his mind. "He took a look at the way the young men wore their hair, and made comments about that and whether he thought they should be hanging out with certain people."

Senior Omar Kelly said he felt coach Gary Tidwell discriminated against him and senior Ayron Worthington because they wore braids. But he acknowledged that two other players who were not cut also wear them.

Many of the players who were cut are seniors: So I would have gone for ageism. But I'm no lawyer. But this is the part that got me:

Debra Gouard, a local minister and Bryant's mother, was incensed when Tidwell told her and other mothers that he chose the best players for the team, but that he didn't have his selection criteria in writing.

Yeah, you've got to have that stuff in writing. "Must be able to find own ass with both hands." "Must be able to drop rock in ocean from beach." "Applicant should be able to run length of floor without throwing up."

Some In Danville Cry Foul Over High School Basketball Cuts [Danville Gazette]

From NewsChannel 11 in Lubbock:

Investigators tell NewsChannel 11 that Burke got into a fight with the female coach of his child's soccer team. The soccer association tells us the children playing at the time were between seven and eight years old. Apparently, the coach's husband tried to stop Burke from yelling at his wife, and that's when the two men got into an argument in the stands. The police report states that the victim pushed Burke, and then Burke pulled a handgun and pointed it at the victim's head. Police say an off-duty prison guard tackled Burke, and got the gun away from him.

Us Unprofessional Foul pointed out, Burke was possibly inspired by Melanie Hain, the Lebanon, Pa., woman who had her handgun permit returned on appeal after wearing her unconcealed Glock 26 to a youth soccer game. Why parents are showing up at children's soccer games heavily armed is unknown; apparently something's up.

Man Pulls Gun At Game, Now Charged With Assault [NewsChannel 11]
Attention: The Touchline Is A Drug-Free Zone. Guns Are Acceptable [Unprofessional Foul]

Baker was fill-in coach for Darren's 10-under NorCal Travel Ball baseball team during this past weekend's Fall State Championship Tournament at Twin Creeks Sports Complex in Sunnyvale, Calif. Your intrepid reporter was on the scene — it was either this or a matinee showing of Beverly Hills Chihuahua — as Baker's team, Hard 90 Pastime out of Roseville, fought to an exciting 27-7 victory in game one of a doubleheader.

From what I could tell, Baker's duties consisted mainly of: Coaching first base; signing autographs; and helping players put condiments on their hot dogs.

"This is a lot of fun, and something I never thought I'd be able to do until Darren was older," said Baker, who may have disappointed many fans by not wearing wristbands for the gig. Instead he rocked the track suit and the Nike Air Maxs. "My dad coached me in Riverside when I was 15, so it's great to be able to do this with Darren. I'm enjoying it; being back in the San Francisco area and all that. The kids are great."

The biggest challenge in coaching nine-year-olds?

"Getting them to focus," Baker said. "Sometimes you wonder if they're listening." So, just like the Reds!

The players weigh in:

Ross Strider, 10: "It's awesome have Dusty Baker as our coach. He gives us great tips, like how to block out the sun on a fly ball, and how to tell which way the wind is blowing."

Brian Goad, 10: "It's really fun; he makes us want to play harder. But after awhile you forget he's Dusty Baker. He just seems like one of the dads."

Alex Rose, 9: "Darren is a good friend, and he's really fast. He thinks he's faster than me, but nope. He isn't."

Dusty Baker Gets Fall Coaching Gig — His Son's Team [Sacramento Bee]

"I'm jumping up and down and celebrating, and when everything calmed down, I'm like, 'I think I peed my pants!'" Niki laughed. It was actually her water breaking, but this Brewers' fan and her husband Brian didn't leave the park. They waited to see the outcome of the Mets' game. Addison was born the next day at the hospital.

The win, along with a Mets loss that day in New York, propelled the Brewers into the playoffs. The family watched Game One of the NLDS with the Phillies from home, where the baby presumably was not amused about being 0-1 lifetime in the playoffs.

The O'Connors named the baby Addison, apparently not aware of the street address of Wrigley Field, home of the team they beat on Sunday.

Here's some video of these two totally insane dedicated Brewers fans.

Woman Gives Birth After Cheering Braun's Home Run [TMJ4-Milwaukee]
Playoff Baby Watches First Brewers Game [MSNBC]

Meleanie Hain, of Lebanon, said she takes her holstered Glock 26 everywhere for personal security and is fighting the revocation by the Lebanon County sheriff. “I’m just a soccer mom who has always openly carried (a firearm), and I’ve never had a problem before,” Hain said in Wednesday’s editions of the Lebanon Daily News. “I don’t understand why this is happening to me.”

If only Jericho Scott's parents had loved him enough to come to his games armed, he'd still be pitching today.

Toiting Gun At Soccer Costs Mom Her Permit [Times Leader]

From MSNBC:

At Action Kids Fitness Center, with two locations in California, children can take a 40- to 45-minute circuit training workout with resistance machines and cardio stations, including stationary bikes that connect to PlayStation 2. The center also has hip-hop dance, yoga, karate and monthly nutrition classes.

"We really pride ourselves on the energy and excitement we put into making fitness fun," said Steve Ewing, the center's co-founder. "We don't want them to be thinking they are overweight and obese. We want them to acknowledge that moving is fun."

My solution: We should start a Kid Olympics. Events could be four square, red rover, tetherball, lawn darts ... all of the activities you sucked at as a child, but of which today's children don't know. Imagine your pride as Bob Costas interviews your son after he wins the gold medal in hide 'n' seek. The fear of China beating us in Slip 'N' Slide — the game we invented — should be enough to get our kids' fat asses out of the house and onto a water-covered sheet of plastic on the lawn.

Children Hit Tot-Sized Treadmills At Kiddie Gyms [MSNBC]

"They won't let me pitch," Jericho, who turns 10 today, told The New York Daily News. "No one's gotten a base hit on me." Jericho's lawyer said his teammates are also joining in the suit, because the Youth Baseball League of New Haven wants to disband their team. "It's not fair to any of them," lawyer John Williams said. "They're being punished for being good." Jericho's team is 8-0. Five of the victories were no-hitters that Jericho hurled.

Peter Noble, a lawyer for the coed league, said in published reports that Jericho has no business tossing heat at 8-to-10-year-old batters. "He is a very skilled player, a very hard thrower," Noble said. "There are a lot of beginners. This is not a high-powered league. This is a developmental league whose main purpose is to promote the sport."

My modest proposal: Lower a large tarp over all adults involved and airlift them deep into the Brazilian rainforest. I love a story where both sides are completely wrong. The league needs to grow a pair and let the kid finish the season, which by all accounts is almost over anyway. And the Scotts need to understand that suing a youth baseball league over something of this nature is just a big bowl of wrong. But hey, it's all out of our hands now; at some point this story took on a life of its own. Let the fun continue.

UPDATE: Video of Jericho pitching.

Press Conference Does Little For League, Jericho [New Haven Register]
Kid Sues Over Swing & A Dis [New York Daily News]

From the New Haven Register:

The fighting started this week when Coach Wilfred Vidro refused a directive by league officials to replace 9-year-old pitcher Jericho Scott, whose pitching they say is so hard, fast and accurate that it might frighten or discourage other players.

“The spirit of the league was community, family, well being, nurturing. It’s an extended family and it’s been disrupted,” said attorney Peter Noble, who represents Liga Juvenil De Baseball De New Haven, Spanish for Youth Baseball League of New Haven. The league is not affiliated with Little League baseball. The Scotts also met with an attorney on Monday.

I believe there is precedence here in the landmark case Dash Parr v. Metroville Elementary School Track & Field from the film The Incredibles.

Baseball Brouhaha Goes Into Extra Innings [New Haven Register]

Dave Brouillette, president of the Freetown Youth Athletic Association, said he doesn't like benching the kids, but it has to be done because he can't punish the parents. "Unfortunately, yeah, we are taking it out on the kid in the big scheme of things, but it is very difficult to punish a parent."

And as we all know, someone MUST be punished. And since you are frail and somewhat defenseless my child, I'm afraid that it will have to be you. Carry on, Freetown Youth Athletic Association; you are helping to keep America on the right path. Because as we all know, a nation is only as strong as its ability to dispense Slim Jims.

Boy Benched After Mom Skips Concession Stand Shift [WBZTV.com]
Kid Benched When Mom Skips Concession Shift [SportsbyBrooks]

Williams, who now sells his own brand of salsa and who later this month starts hosting a Phillies pre-game show on The Big Talker 1210 AM, told us yesterday that he was sorry for using the f-word while yelling at the ref. "I'm emotional when it comes to my kids. What I saw happening was completely unfair," Williams said, referring to his daughter's team being fouled repeatedly with a lack of calls from the refs.

The assigner of officials for the league said that if Williams "is going to appear at any games next year, we will not officiate them. If he enters the gym in the middle of a game, we will stop officiating." No way! That's BOGUS, man! (Throws shoe).

Dan Gross: Mitch Williams Still A Little 'Wild' [Philadelphia Daily News]

Parents and children were shocked when an elementary teacher and another woman got into a fist fight Saturday morning at a Little Dribbler's basketball game. Van Police Chief Kelly Smith said he had an arrest warrant for Jeannette Hughes, a first-grade teacher at Rhodes Elementary. "Yes there will be an arrest made," he told the Tyler Morning Telegraph Monday morning. "She was punching the other woman in front of everyone including her own kids," said one woman who did not want to be identified.

Yeah, important to stay anonymous here. Don't want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder for that first grade teacher bent on revenge.

UPDATE: "You call that fingerpainting, Tommy? You're a $%&#;@!& disgrace. Call your mom and get her down here so I can beat her ass for giving birth to a loser like you!"

Van Teacher Involved In Brawl At Ball Game [Tyler Morning Telegraph]
Texas Female Teachers Brawl At Kids Basketball Game [Busted Coverage]

Sheriff's Lt. Wayne Smith said Mathew Kowald was cited for disorderly conduct for the incident involving his 7-year-old son at their home in Pardeeville this past weekend. Kowald was accused of restraining the boy for an hour with tape and also taping a jersey onto him during that time.

Kowald's wife has since served him with a restraining order, meaning that he can't have any contact with the family, presumably until after Favre retires. I tend to love it when people employ the "What Would Homer Simpson Do?" parental handbook.

Authorities: Man Arrested For Forcing Son To Wear Packers Jersey [WISCTV.com]
Child About To Become Somewhat Less Smelly [Deadspin]
I Was Going To Write A Defense Of Packer Mania [Cake Rocks The Party]