Stare at that for 12 hours or so and talk about all things non-Philadelphia (or Los Angeles related) down here. Those interested in watching Cole Hamels baffle the Dodgers lineup can comment above.

Regardless, thank you for your continued support of Deadspin, etc. Three SKEETS High and Rising. Oh. He did a preview on the Sixers. Funny how things work out that way sometimes.

As I was watching ESPN for all hours this week, trying to get as much information about Terrell Owens as humanly possible, I struggled to construct some semblance of oddsmaking that would feel fresh, exciting and devoid of any references to Daniel Nicole Smith. Then it came to me: There's nothing more to say about this in any capacity. Until next week, of course, when South Philly's finest will do their best to give Mr. Owens a warm welcome, wish him the best of luck and express their concern for his well-being as only Broad Street's finest lovers of chip steak smothered in orange goop can.

As I began to pore over the ethical quandaries abound in joking about suicide, while simultaneously hoping for a glimpse of Suzy Kolber's beloved saddle, I became stricken with a sense of responsibility to a frothing readership fully expecting a thoroughly insensitive angle about this whole terrible mess. And I said "No. I won't do that." Then I began to take a real hard look at Trey Wingo and began to further examine how gay his name is. And then I focused on his ties and his manicured features, which seem overly effeminate even in terms of television-standards, and I came to the conclusion that, yes, this man has, at one point or another in his life, touched another man's testicles.

So, we'll save T.O for next week when it's more appropriate and we give him time to quell his demons.

Instead, I'm finally using this newly purchased Gaydar I bought from Radio Shack, putting on my ascot and placing odds on the first ESPN personality to finally charge out of the closet and reveal himself as the lover of man parts that he is.

Wingo with me, after this skip.

————————————————————————

Pedro Gomez: 2/1

This Taylor Hicks lookalike always has received a lot of facetime after the dreadful assignment of being attached to the hip of Barry Bonds. As we all know, his reporting on the subject has been, mmm, less than stellar so far. In fact, he's missed seemingly everything that's happened with Bonds — though that's his full-time job — as other reporters with less access gleefully pick through the bones. So, that begs the question: What could a man who spends that much time in San Francisco possibly be doing the whole time? That's right: Dudes.

Neil Everett: 3/1

All though he carries himself as a guy's guy and is the least grating of quip-heavy hosts, Everett's wire-rimmed Jewfrocity gives him an appearance that's part Willie Ames and part that dude from Sex and the City who knocked up the ugly chick. Plus, he worked in Hawaii for a long stint and was a Beta in college. And various unnamed sources reveal that Everett was voted "Most Likely To Be the Victim of a Vicious Rumor Involving a Gerbil Getting Lodged in a Tiny Orifice" by other staffers at their annual end of year gala starting...now.

Bob Ley: 4/1

Don't be fooled by the shlumpy facade — behind the weird junior high math teacher hair part and the tiny smile lie the heart of a man longing for dong. Ley's measured interview-style on OTL has all the makings of a man trying very hard to suppress the urge to take his pants off. And who can forget how excited he was to interview Billy Bean during that whole "Gays in Sports" piece a few years back?

Rece Davis: 4/1

Davis is one of the guys most guilty of overdoing his hetero-ness, but failing. Just because he's teamed with Linda Cohn does not mean he likes being close to vagina. Take Exhibit A: Davis' tired old "Not that there's anything wrong with that" joke that comes any time a Rudy Gay clip appears. You know what they say about guys who make those kind of ignorant assumptions about people based on trivial little characteristics.

Oh, wait...

Scott Van Pelt: 1/1

Even though some think he's too tall to be gay, Van Pelt has all the makings of a classic "Power Bottom:" The self-deprecation, his propensity to high-five at bars and, his utter cluelessness on how to appropriately pick up a skank from Dewey Beach. Don't be fooled by that notorious phone call — Van Pelt was actually trying to use that girl to get closer to her friend Steve, whom he found filled out his checklist even better than she did. The most important of which being that he did not have "Bell's Palsy" and "Likes to go swing dancing in the nude."

It appears that next week's airing of "Bonds On Bonds" will, in fact, be the final installment. The producers insist that they've told all the story they need to tell — they were contracted to do 10 hours of programming, but they'll be stopping at 5 1/2 — and that it has nothing to do with the show's ratings, which were actually worse than "Quite Frankly"'s.

It's not just that, either: It looks like ESPN's Pedro Gomez will be allowed to rejoin humanity once Bonds hits his next homer too. (We fully expect him to sign off his last report with "Good night, and good luck.") This story has been going on for so long, that the inevitable "Hey, Barry's not so bad!" stories are coming back around. It's like a school dance that has to stay running until 11 p.m., even though all the kids left at 9:30. But the parents and teachers still have to stay.

With one homer, it can all end, and we can all go back to our lives. And it looks like Bonds is sitting out today. Sheesh.

Bonds On Bonds Going Off The Air [MLB.com]
More Agony Than Ectasy In Bonds Chase [San Jose Mercury News]
Chasing Barry [MediaBistro]

We find that when most people talk about "American Idol," they always start with something like: "Well, I don't watch 'American Idol,' but [insert knowing sarcastic remark about 'American Idol' here]." Considering the show's ratings rival that of God's, we assume most people are liars. We'll confess to watching a couple episodes, enough to know who everyone is but not enough to understand what exactly is going on.

But every time we've seen the show, we've struggled to put our finger on just why that prematurely gray Taylor Hicks seems so famiiar to us. Did we go to high school with a guy like that? Did we see him sing in a bar band once?

Fortunately, Sugar, Mr. Poon? has the answer: He is obviously the son of Mavs owner Mark Cuban and ESPN Bonds follower Pedro Gomez. It's kind of freaky, actually.

Math Is Fun! [Sugar, Mr. Poon?]

Specifically:

1. The producers of the ESPN Original Entertainment reality show. Needless to say, you're not gonna see Bonds dressing up as Paula Abdul anytime soon.
2. Pedro Gomez. Honestly. This guy has done everything but live in Barry Bonds' rectal cavity for the last three years; this guy didn't have this story? What the hell has he been doing out there? The guy's lone job for three years has been to follow Barry Bonds around. And all he's gonna have to contribute to this story is a "Bonds had no comment to the press" on the 6 p.m. SportsCenter. Let's just say we'd be surprised if he gets a raise.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to see if we can get some of this "Mexican Beans" steroid we just read so much about. We thought you just get that at White Castle.

Bonds Exposed [SI.com]