So yeah, some guy hid in the receiving end of a Colorado yoga-festival Porta-Potty and up-peeped. This is the type of crime that should be told through animation, of course, and animation that concludes as if it was poetry: "A man covered in feces and cuts on his back and legs was seen fleeing the scene."

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

Win 17 Emmys, and no one calls you "Emmy-winner" Neil Goldberg. Head ESPN's NASCAR coverage, and no one calls you "motorsports guru" Neil Goldberg. But stand on a stool to masturbate to a woman getting dressed just once...