From an email sent to Georgia's athletic director:

In the wake of the untimely death of the University of Georgia's (UGA) bulldog mascot, Uga VII, PETA has asked the school's athletic director, Damon M. Evans, to replace the mascot with an animatronic dog—or to rely solely on a costumed mascot—instead of using another real bulldog. Bulldogs are prone to breathing difficulties, hip dysplasia, heart disorders, and other congenital ailments, and acquiring a dog from a breeder perpetuates the animal overpopulation crisis while causing another dog waiting in an animal shelter to be condemned to death.

"It is time for the university to put an end to the cycle of suffering endured by dogs who are brought into the world solely to represent the school's 'brand'," says PETA Assistant Director Kristie Phelps. "By choosing a humane alternative to the use of live animals as school mascots, UGA can show that compassion always wins."

So, let's summarize. Let's stop plucking bulldogs from anonymity to live a pampered life where they receive all the attention and care they could ever need, because they have a ton of defects. It's almost as if PETA would love to do away with bulldogs altogether, perhaps eliminating them in some sort of Doggie Dachau. In fact, it sounds like PETA doesn't love animals very much at all.

Let's leave aside the suggestion of sticking with a costumed student, which is more inhumane than any puppy mill, and concentrate on this robot dog idea. It is madness. If Georgia's teams were perhaps named the "robotic bulldogs," they'd have an argument. But Uga VIII should come from a long line of dogs who lived hard, and died heroes.

Would schools replace our players with robots because football isn't good for their health? Would Yale opt for a robotic coach who plays the percentages and punts on 4th-and-22? Bad example, but my point is that I've seen a lot of movies about robots, and they rarely end well for humanity.

PETA: Replace UGA VII With a Robot [WGAU]

Ad Age is reporting that Vick is "in talks" to shoot some PETA spots upon his release for prison. While technically not required by his sentence, this will presumably be part of a larger PR campaign designed to erase the part of your brain that associates "Michael Vick" with "sadistic and cruel dog murder."

"I'm familiar with [the plan]," said Dan Shannon, director of youth outreach and campaigns for PETA. "We have been in discussions with Michael Vick, with his management team, about the possibility of him putting out a public-service announcement with PETA when he's out of jail. We want him to discourage people from taking part in dog-fighting. I can do it until I'm blue in the face and it might not convince anybody. Michael Vick sure can. He can say, 'Look, I did it, I was wrong, and it ruined my career.'"

Yep ... he sure can.

Michael Vick in Talks to Become PETA Spokesman [Ad Age]

Our story so far: Japanese work crews pulled a statue of Colonel Sanders from an Osaka, Japan river on Tuesday, presumably breaking a 24-year-old curse that had prevented the Hanshin Tigers from winning a Japanese World Series. KFC, knowing a great marketing opportunity when it smells one, on Thursday offered to donate the statue to the star-crossed Chicago Cubs.

Not so fast, says People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals. Their claim is that there is probably no greater form of animal abuse than seizing a bird, lopping off its head and deep frying it in 11 tasty herbs and spices. KFC suppliers are also guilty of chicken torture, says PETA, although I think everyone can agree that their coleslaw is delicious. In a strongly-worded letter (PDF) — at which PETA excels — the Cubs are urged not to accept the masonry tribute to hot oily hens. Excerpt:

This is just the controversy Tom Ricketts would like to inherit, I'll bet. Bon apetite, Cubs' fans!

The Curse Of Colonel Sanders? [The PETA Files]

If PETA wants to get my attention, they should use a real baby seal; or serve donuts. At any rate, it's the world's largest animal rights organization vs. Canada in a brawl to the finish, and PETA is choosing the Vancouver Winter Games as the battlefield. The world's largest animals rights organization vs. Canada; yeah, that sounds about even. From The PETA Files:

Vancouver will be home to the 2010 Olympic Winter Games, which will put Canada on center stage for much of the coming year, and we plan to put its shameful hunt there, too, for all the world to scrutinize. We have written to the Vancouver Olympic Organizing Committee asking for their help with persuading government officials to outlaw the hunt.

We all knew that China had its flaws, making it ripe for protest during the Summer Games. But I never thought this would happen in Canada; the only controversy there is cheap prescription drugs and the occasional stolen mitten. PETA, however, is not amused with that chilly nation's annual seal slaughter, and plans to use the runup to the Vancouver Games to stage their protests.

Until I see Terrence and Philip do a PSA, I'm not committing to either side.

It's On, Canada [The PETA Files]

Double bonus points for picking that guy to defend the rights of animals that are famous for their dangerous instability. Yes, yes—pit bulls get a bad rap, as does Ron Artest, but are people really going to listen to "that insane NBA guy" when he tells them to neuter their dogs?

On the other hand, it's kind of genius. It's like—if Ron Artest thinks you're crazy for not controlling your pets, then guess what? You're crazy.

When Ron Artest isn't sticking it to his opponents on the basketball court, he's sticking up for animals. That's why the Houston Rockets forward teamed up with us and the Houston Humane Society to star in an ad urging people to get their dogs "fixed."

"These animals are literally dying for a good home," says Artest, the NBA Defensive Player of the Year for the 2003-2004 season. "Millions of dogs and cats in shelters across the country are euthanized every year because there simply aren't enough good homes for them. Spaying and neutering your [animal companion] will help control the overpopulation problem."

Artest added, "Oh, and if you see a pit bull lying on the street, definitely don't throw a souvenir cup at it."

Basketball Star Ron Artest Unveils New PETA Ad [PETA]

This year's statement by PETA: The Westminster show must be sympathetic to the Klu Klux Klan, because both organizations advocate the creation of a purebred master race. Protesters were outside of Madison Square Garden on Monday to hand out fliers with that message.

Their goal, according to a post on the PETA website, was to draw a parallel between the KKK and the American Kennel Club. "Obviously it's an uncomfortable comparison," PETA spokesman Michael McGraw told the Associated Press. But the AKC is trying to create a "master race" when it comes to pure-bred dogs, he added. "It's a very apt comparison." The group passed out brochures implying the Klan and AKC have the goal of "pure bloodlines" in common.

In addition, PETA has produced this video, which is rather humorous.

"I can't speak for everyone, but the vast majority of the people exhibiting and handling and showing at Westminster are more interested in the health of dogs than anything else," Westminster spokesman David Frei told the AP.

I'm agreeing with PETA on this one, and here's why. I'm watching Westminster with my dog, Maggie the Bearded Collie. So on TV they bring out the Bearded Collie during the herding dog competition, and all that the USA Network announcers can talk about is how the beardie is hard to train; how it's a rebel, and is less desirable as a pet than a monitor lizard. Then the German Shepherd comes out, and they give it nothing but praise. Oh, what a great animal ... the Mother Teresa of dogs. No flaws whatsoever.

German Shepherd, Nazis, master race ...

Oh, and apparently sheep are eligible this year.

Photo: AP.

AKC And KKK: BFFs In Some Ways? [The Peta Files]
PETA Dresses In KKK Garb Outside Westminster Dog Show [USA Today]
The 133rd Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show [Official Site]

Knowing darned well that their ad would never see the light of a flat-screen TV, PETA pretended to buy Super Bowl ad time and produced a commercial, entitled Veggie Love, that NBC promptly rejected as being too risque (NSFW, unless you work on a pirate ship).

The network watched the ad and then gave notes, as they say in Hollywood. Among the things NBC wanted cut: "licking pumpkin," "touching her breast with her hand while eating broccoli," "pumpkin from behind between legs," "rubbing pelvic region with pumpkin," "screwing herself with broccoli (fuzzy)," "asparagus on her lap appearing as if it is ready to be inserted into vagina," "rubbing asparagus on breast,", and, most shocking of all, "licking eggplant."

What would have happened in that Super Bowl halftime show if, instead of her nipple, Janet Jackson had shown a squash?

Meanwhile, PETA continued its feud with often pantsless former ESPN personality Sean Salisbury. You may remember last week, when PETA met with Michael Vick in their offices, and then called for an MRI brain scan on the quarterback before the NFL readmits him to the league. This ticked off Mr. Salisbury, who wrote about it in his column over at Open Sports.com. Hey, reasoned Salisbury; who are you owl huggers to tell a big, manly football player what to do when he gets out of the slammer?

PETA Assistant Director Dan Shannon had a reply to that (excerpt reprinted here via email):

While PETA agrees with Mr. Salisbury’s take that people deserve a second chance, we would respectfully suggest that the sympathy for Vick expressed in his blog would be better directed towards the real victims in this case—the dogs tortured and killed by Vick and Bad Newz Kennels. Mr. Salisbury closes his post by saying he’s off to go turkey hunting. Hopefully he doesn’t confuse the turkeys he’s shooting at with the one writing his column.

Best,
Dan Shannon
Assistant Director
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals

The thought of Sean Salisbury turkey hunting gives me endless joy. What a battle of wits!

Oh, and Whoopi Goldberg reenacted the PETA ad on The View. Thankfully, it's safe for work. Is there a People for the Ethical Treatment of Lettuce?

But now, on to other PETA business.

• Their campaign to rename fish "sea kittens" is not really gaining much momentum, as far as I can tell.

• The above is totally true.

• And has nothing to do with this.

• "(Gasp!) Cat juggling!? Turn it off! Turn it off!"

• 11-year-old Mexican bullfighter kills six bull calves in one day. PETA not amused.

• An event in which rabbits and foxes are hunted with trained golden eagles is called "The Super Bowl of Kazakhstan."

• Will the bunny make it to the safety of PETA headquarters in time? Run, Mr. Fluffy!

Promise me, PETA, that you'll never, ever go away. Now if you'll excuse me, I have sea kittens to sautee for dinner.

People For The Ethical Treatment Of Vick [Open Sports]
NBC's Sexually-Explicit Super Bowl Ad Rejection Makes Us Blush [The PETA Files]
The Day I Spent With Michael Vick [The PETA Files]
World Record For Cruelty? [The PETA Files]
Save Our Cats From Fishermen [Video Gum]
Super Bowl Kazakh Style; Eagles Take On Bunnies, Foxes [Asylum]

PETA has posted Vick's complete answers to its "Developing Empathy for Animals" test on its website. If you're wondering, he got a 73.5/100 on the test, but I give him an 85/100 for penmanship. Show choice quotes:

• "Chickens have an uncanny ability to think and are very agile. They are very athletic to me".

• Vick describes the sadness that elephants feel when "visiting the grave site of another family member...rubbing the bones with their trunks and...crying out in grief". He also writes about the "deer who wouldn't leave his mate and took a [bullet] for her" and the "piglet who went after the drowning little boy in a story I read. Now that's heroic".

• Vick describes the golden rule as, "Do on to others as u want them to do on to u" (instructor's note: "right"). He states he can apply it to his life by "showing [animals] that I care and accept them (as long as the feeling is mutual)" (instructor's note: "not right").

• "My Aunt Tina own[ed] a Rotti named Tico. Once my aunt and her boyfriend Wayne [were] having an intense fight. Tico couldn't get into the house and thought my Aunt Tina was in danger. She jump[ed] through a glass window and pin[ned] my Aunt boyfriend Wayne to the ground just growling until my Aunt called her off. Now that's loyalty."

What do you say, folks? Has he learned his lesson? Come on, the 49ers need a quarterback!

Have yourselves a wonderful evening. My boss Mr. Kogod will be here tomorrow. Don't tell him about the auto-playing video thing, okay? PLEASE?

Vick: "Chickens...Are Very Athletic to Me" [TMZ]
Michael Vick and the Dirty Bird [Josh Q. Public]
Developing Empathy for Animals [PETA]
Are 49ers looking to add Michael Vick? [Yahoo]

Remember our post on Hodges not too long ago? She's the Titans cheerleader who doubles as a molecular neuroscience researcher at Vanderbilt University, where among her duties, she says, is the occasional beheading of a rat for research. Laflin (pictured left), a staunch PETA supporter, read about this and was not amused. She fired off a letter to Hodges and Vanderbilt, which was detailed on the PETA site, and a portion of which follows:

I'm writing on behalf of my friends at People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and PETA's more than two million members. I am a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and a current scout for the NBA, but my great passion is animal protection. I was therefore extremely disappointed to read about your work in an animal laboratory at Vanderbilt University Kennedy Center. You may not be aware of the indifference that Vanderbilt University has shown in regard to following even the minimal standards required by federal regulations. Or that Vanderbilt has been cited for dozens of violations of the animal welfare act in the last three years.

You can read the entire letter here (PDF).

From The PETA Files:

It was discovered recently that Titans cheerleader Melissa Hodges is working in an animal laboratory at Vanderbilt University's Kennedy Center, and according to the Nashville Scene, Hodges guillotines rats, among other acts. So Laflin has penned a powerful letter to her fellow spirit squadder.

Laflin has graced PETA ad campaigns with her sexy (naked) body in support of vegetarian living and against rodeo cruelty. She also has a big place in her heart for the animals used (and abused) in experiments.

Hopefully, Hodges will be big enough to have a change of heart and take her career to a different, cruelty-free level. I mean, heck, when a woman like this tells you to jump, you just ask how high.

Say what you will about PETA; it knows marketing, and how sex sells. Its anti-rodeo campaign slogan: "Nobody Likes An Eight-Second Ride," featuring a nearly-naked Laflin lounging in hay, is a good example.

So, your move, Melissa. Not since the trailer fight scene Kill Bill II has a confrontation so caught my interest. "Bitch, you don't have a future!"

Cheerleader Gets An Earful On Animal Testing [The PETA Files]
PETA's Sexy 'Bank On Your Health, Go Vegetarian Ad' [The PETA Files]

On its web site, PETA outlined the reasons it claims meat is evil, and challenged Webb to become vegetarian. "Or," it suggested, "take on one of our Lettuce Ladies in a tofu-wrestling match."

The winner would get $5,000 donated to charity. The loser would have to eat a meal and watch a video chosen by the winner. Webb was crowned in January at the West Virginia Cattleman's Convention, which says it received the challenge Wednesday. It's unclear whether Webb has seen PETA's invitation. But she's unlikely to change her ways: Webb is a longtime member of 4-H and the Future Farmers of America who has shown calves for six years. She plans to major in animal science at A&M.

Actually there is more than one Lettuce Lady, and they tend to rotate: Alyssa Milano has even held the title. But Beef Queen is formidable as well; just listen to these quotes, following her victory in this year's Beef Queen competition in Ft. Ashby, WV:

“They judged our answers on why beef was the best product,” said Webb. “I told them beef was high in protein and vitamin B and is healthier than white meat.” Reciting an excerpt from her poem that she read to judges, Webb read “Beef is the best deal, no matter the breed of the beast, Angus, Herford, Charolais, Limousine.”

Rest assured that we will keep you posted this continuing story with Favre-like tenacity.

2008 Beef Queen Says Winning Isn't Everything [Mineral Daily News-Tribune]
PETA Dares Beef Queen To Wrestle Lettuce Lady [KSWO-7]
We Challenge Beef Queen To A Wrestling Match [The PETA Files]

PETA's demands:

"We are calling for cruelty to animal charges to be pressed regarding Eight Belles against the jockey and the owners of the horse," Rajt said. "It is actually a Kentucky state cruelty to animal charge. We also say the steward's board at Churchill Downs needs to immediately file a complaint against jockey Gabriel Saez for whipping Eight Belles as she came down the final stretch to the wire. We need standards in place to bar horse owners who allow this kind of cruelty."

I take no side in this debate, except to say that one of the counter-protester's signs on Tuesday, "Horses Are Born To Run," is very misleading. I believe that the photo below proves that horses would all rather be doing something else if given the choice.

PETA Demonstration At KHRA Expected To Continue In Baltimore [Thoroughbred Times]

On behalf of the more than 1 million members and supporters of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) worldwide, I am writing with a solution to the recent drama of a few high-profile NBA players who were whining about fingertip scratches and scrapes caused by the new composite basketball adopted by the league. As excruciating as these "injuries" must be for a worldclass athlete, thousands of cows stand to suffer far worse if the NBA goes back to a leather basketball — so we'd like to suggest a compromise.

PETA would like to offer a lifetime supply of cruelty-free hand cream to any NBA siss ... excuse me, superstar who'd be willing to give the composite ball another shot. Recreational players and NCAA athletes have been using composite balls for years without experiencing scratches or scrapes — but we understand that the delicate hands of pampered NBA superstars are far more sensitive than those of your average Joe who actually has to work for a living. The hand cream comes in a variety of scents, including "Filthy Rich Organic" (perfect for any overpaid millionaire) and "Peaceful Patchouli"-Nash, we have a whole case of that set aside for you. Maybe by taking care of your own skin a bit better, you can allow cows who would otherwise meet their end in the slaughterhouse to keep theirs.

You can download their full letter right here, in PDF form. As much as we might enjoy some "Peaceful Patchuouli Nash" hand cream, we think this might be an example of fighting demons that aren't there. (That said, we're leather offenders ourselves.) The real question: What's their take on Barbaro?

We're Avoiding "With Leather" Jokes, But You May Feel Free [Deadspin]

In January 2006, PETA contacted the National Basketball Association (NBA) and requested that it switch from leather basketballs to cruelty-free synthetic balls ... Along with the request, PETA sent information on how the leather industry tortures and kills millions of cows, including the fact that it takes the skin of an entire cow to make just four basketballs ... In June 2006, the NBA announced that it would switch to synthetic basketballs beginning with its 2006/2007 season.

My only question is ... if I'm going to be eating the rest of the cow anyway (and I damn sure will be), why not use the skin to put together a few basketball? Do we went to use the whole animal, like the nice Native Americans in "Dances With Wolves," or do we want to be like the bad white men who kill the buffalo for their tongues? Think about that, Pam Anderson.

The NBA denies that PETA had anything to do with the switch, saying that it's "a better ball with a better grip and feel and more consistency from ball-to-ball." Ignoring the words "ball-to-ball" for a second, pretty much everyone in the league agrees that the new basketball does not have a better grip, feel, or anything else. Everyone from Shaq to Mark Madsen hates it.

I think the NBA caved in to PETA. For a dress code that the players hate, the league stands up like they're Corleones. PETA applies a little pressure, though, and they fold like little girls.

About PETA - Victories [PETA]
PETA likes "cruelty-free" ball [ESPN Insider]