Professional golfer/wing inhaler John Daly has finally sobered up enough to speak about his bizarre overnight jail stay from last weekend, after he was allegedly picked up drunk at a North Carolina Hooters restaurant. Daly is frustrated by this latest public spectacle, and feels particularly misunderstood this time around, saying that the whole situation could have been avoided had the friends he was traveling with only known that he was just sleeping with his eyes open and in no need of dire medical assistance.
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Those of you wondering when Tiger Woods and his wife Elin will populate the world with another Swedecaublasian can stop: late winter. Woods made the blessed announcement on his personal website, which he's updated more frequently due to his season-ending surgery as either a way to continuously keep his fans updated on his injury progress or to inadvertently gloat about its bright side: it has enabled him to spend more time to play with his young daughter, count his endorsement money, and have unprotected sex with his Swedish model wife more frequently. Why does God hate Tiger Woods so much?
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We all have those stories about the first time we got drunk. Most of the time they're amusing and revelatory, told with a big fish-style exaggeration that gets exponentially larger throughout the years. Or, if you're an alcoholic, probably less. The first time I got smashed it was the night before the PSATs back in 1991. I was 15. I left after school to go over my friend Kevin's house with an SAT study guide, four pencils, and a scientific calculator. I came home at about 9 p.m. that night with a fork, a copy of Good Housekeeping, and throwing up on my mother's shoe. (PSAT score: 740.) That's a good first-time-I-got-drunk-story, but John Cloud, of Time magazine, has an epic one:
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The palatial 4.55-acre estate you see here is golfer Phil Mickelson's home in Rancho Sante Fe, Calif — and it could all be yours. Ignore all that subprime slowdown gloom and doom — this is an absolute steal. Priced between $10,750,000 - $12,225,876, it includes a spa, two guesthouses, a putting green, media room, and a pool big enough to accommodate the largest of over-sized egos.
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The PGA tour is now officially in trouble. Tiger Woods, athlete of the century, god amongst golfers and multi-blade razor pitchman, will have knee surgery to repair a torn ACL that will keep him out the rest of the 2008 season. Tiger, taking a break from having acrobatic intimate relations with his Swedish wife on a large pile of $100 bills, broke the news to his fans via whomever he has hired to type words on his website:
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You know you've thought to yourself each time you've plopped in front of a couch to watch The Masters, 'Hey, I wonder if anybody's ever penned some pussymouthed lyrics to go with that morose piano tinkling they always play?'
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Yesterday, I noted how the Memorial Golf Tournament was cursed with rain every year because the course had been built over sacred Indian burial ground. It appears as if rain is no longer enough for angry Chief Leatherlips. He's stepping up the hatred.
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I haven't given it as much attention as it's deserved, but I've kinda had an eye on the Buick Open throughout the day. Tiger Woods just buried a tricky birdie putt on 18 to squeeze into a 3-way playoff with Jose Maria Olazabal and a rookie Welshman named Nathan Green.
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While Fox and CBS are showing some big-time college basketball and NFL games, ABC has countered with some lame golf event that pits PGA Tour players against LPGA players and Champions Tour players.
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