From the Philly Inquirer comes this report of a domestic dispute between Andrews and his girlfriend, the awesomely named Brandy Box, at Andrews' home:

On the afternoon of Sept. 30, police received a call from a woman stating that she had been struck in the face by her boyfriend, according to the police report obtained by The Inquirer.

Two Lumberton police officers arrived approximately four minutes later at the house where they were met by Brandy Box, Andrews' fiancée. Box stated that "she and her fiance were involved in a verbal dispute when he punched her," the report said. Twenty minutes later, Andrews was transported to the Lumberton Township police department.

The police report said Box did not want to file a request for a restraining order or sign a complaint.

After Box decided not to pursue the matter, Andrews was released.

"I didn't hit her," Andrews said yesterday. "I'd be locked up and be in big doo-doo if I did."…

"It was just relationship stuff," Andrews said. "We got into a heated argument. She was going to leave . . . but it ended up being nothing."

And you can trust him on that. That man is a COMBAT vet. Wait, what's that? That's just the shirt? Christ, that's fucking stupid.

I still can't get over the name Brandy Box. She should be made of mahogany. And when you open her up, there should be a bottle of Calvados encased in a velvet lining inside. Anyway, Andrews' little alleged kerfuffle appears to over before it started, given that Box didn't file charges. Still, that won't stop me from using him as my go-to lady-punching Philly athlete of choice over Brett Myers now for all my domestic abuse humor. I got a feeling that Brett will make a strong effort to reclaim his throne sooner rather than later.

Because Brett Myers loves punching chicks in the face.

Our hero completed all four of his very short passes last night. (Plus 1 yard rushing! Dynamic!) And his fans would really have loved to show their full support last night, but you know ... the damn Post Office. Maybe some kind of snafu back at the factory. It didn't help that he signed late, either. But customer service swears we'll have the new shirts in hand before the home opener.

Unless that tropical storm hits landfall....

[Photo via AP]

* * * * *

It's Friday. We did it, everyone.

•A Stanford booster built coach Jim Harbaugh a private bathroom that cost between $50,000 and $70,000. Despite the university being in the midst of budget cuts, it's a wise investment: it'll keep Harbaugh from shitting the bed, like he did so many times in his playing career.

•This week's Sports Illustrated promises fans it will be "100% Favre-Free." Translation: he signed with the Vikes right before deadline, and we didn't feel like rewriting our NFL previews.

•Your toothless lede: "Animal rights groups and the Philadelphia Eagles are looking at ways they can join forces to combat dogfighting." A humble suggestion: don't pay convicted ringleaders of dogfighting rings millions of dollars.

•The Dodgers came to Colorado, and got beaten by the best team in the NL West. Two-game deficit be damned, the rolling Rockies have two-straight walk-off wins, all the momentum, and for some reason, Jason Giambi.

•What we've all been waiting for: the WWE is planning to launch their own TV network. Now the long-past-their-prime wrestlers like Shawn Michaels, the Undertaker and Tommy Dreamer will live on forever in classic matches, instead of dragging on forever on the damn PPVs.

•Seahawks sign old and crappy Edgerrin James. This will not remove the stink of past running back options young and crappy Maurice Morris, or old and crappy Shaun Alexander.

•And let's all laugh at Serena Williams as she tries and fails to win the carnival "hammer game:"

The Philadelphia Inquirer's John Gonzalez (AKA: "The Mexican No-Show") scribbled this little Andrews anecdote into his cuaderno and, thankfully, it made the grown-up paper:

Shortly after Shawn Andrews declared he was at his "zenith of my happiness" and that "hell, yeah" he expected to be on the field for the Eagles' season opener, a strange scene unfolded in front of his locker. Andrews revealed that he texted Andy Reid recently and told his head coach that he was "ready to sell out like a Michael Jackson concert." When one reporter asked whether that's sort of a bad omen - since MJ is dead now - everything screeched to a halt and Andrews shook his head.

"What are you trying to say?" Andrews asked. "That I'm going to die?"

Awkward.

The two parties stared at each other in silence for a second while the rest of us just stood there and tried to act invisible. Eventually, the reporter assured Andrews that, no, he didn't think Andrews was going to die anytime soon.

More blinking. More silence. More weirdness. Then everyone just sort of slowly backed away and dispersed.

I think "More Blinking. More Silence. More Weirdness." is the perfect title for Andrews' inevitable autobiography that he'll write from the safety of his supervised work station at some mental health facility later in life, most likely penned in goose feces and blood on the back of a diner menu.

Bad Guys Just Now Bad [Gonzo (second section)]
The Shawn Andrews Experience [Phil Sheridan/Inky]

1. Always beware the offseason winners. So the Eagles drafted LeSean McCoy (who looked most excellent catching the ball out of the backfield Thursday night) and Jeremy Maclin (who has had fumbling problems during the preseason), and traded for Jason Peters to give Donovan McNabb more protection. Plus, they have Michael Vick in to to run the Wildcat. On paper, that all adds up to one kickass offense. Few teams, with the exception of Chicago's trade for Jay Cutler, made the kind of big offseason moves that the Eagles did. Indeed, plenty of people think this is the year Philly finally puts it all together and wins the Super Bowl. Andy Behrens picked them to win it all. Vegas has them at 11-1 odds to pull it off. They're a chic pick.

Chic picks always end up fucking up. Take it from a fan of another team that made a big offseason move that will almost certainly end up becoming a flaming helicopter wreck. A chic preseason Super Bowl will fuck you in the ass. It's like those fashionable, not-quite-as-traditional college teams that are ranked in the Top 5 of the AP poll, like Georgia was last year. Teams that are "loaded" coming into the season always end up fucking it all up. And why should the Eagles be immune to any of this inevitable failed hype? After all…

2. Hey, Andy Reid's still coaching this team, right? Remember, this is a guy who failed to inform his star quarterback last year that games can end in ties. Not only is Andy Reid a poor game manager, he's an AGGRESSIVELY POOR game manager. Not only will he end up fucking up the game, but he'll fuck it up by using the most illogical strategy he can possibly devise. More importantly, he will take hours upon hours to implement that strategy. For the Eagles, huddling during the last two minutes of a game isn't an option, it's fucking mandatory. It's just the kind of team-building exercise that can really help Reid's men cope with the agony of losing yet another 4-point game that ended with Brian Westbrook getting stuffed on a power rushing play that he wasn't well-suited for.

So Philly can bring in all the fancy new skill position players they like. They won't be poised to do the team much good when there's 90 seconds left and the team is STILL FUCKING HUDDLING when everyone at the bar is shouting at the TV, "WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY STILL HUDDLING? ARE THEY FUCKING RETARDED?!" That's the true legacy of Andy Reid. It takes a special kind of coach to make every random asshole in the bar feel like they could do a better job AND be correct in just such an assumption. Worst of all, Jim Johnson is gone, and not around to be the all-purpose coverall for Reid's numerous, glaring fuckups. Speaking of Reid snafus…

3. Their active roster might be fucked up. Peter King made a good point today. Stunning, but true. If the Eagles want to use Michael Vick in the WildDog formation this fall, they have to either make him the true backup QB, or they have to have four quarterbacks on their active game day roster. All game day rosters are allowed one extra slot for an emergency third-string QB. Once the third stringer comes in, the two QB's ahead of him can't retake the field. So if the Eagles want to play Vick but want to keep Kevin Kolb as the backup (not that it would be a tragedy if Kolb were demoted), then they'd have to carry four QB's on the roster and drop a possibly important special teamer or kicking specialist. It's one of those little details that always ends up fucking a team. And with Reid in charge, those little details are often glanced over, not unlike a smack rig stashed in the upstairs toilet tank.

UPDATE: Reader John points out, "Mike Florio made this point a week ago. Peter King is still a hack." Cool!

4. Seriously, fuck that Daulerio guy. As you know, AJ ruined Deadspin. But there are so many other reasons to not like the man. He's terrible with people, for instance. He has bad teeth. His chin is all but nonexistent. He's always snickering. He's a filthy dago with dirty wop skin! He looks like a weasel! His parents are kinda racist! And he smells like burlap. WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

And really, let's just use this as a catchall to say FUCK YOU to all the Eagles fans out there right now. Oooh, you boo! You're so hardcore! I'm so afraid of your exacting standards! You should listen to those assholes on Philly talk radio sometime. Bitch bitch bitch. You people are like fucking Boston fans, only you don't know it yet. You suck, and you Pennsylvania people can't drive for shit. Do you people even use the steering wheel? FUCK YOU IN THE CHEESESTEAK.

5. AND WHERE THE FUCK WAS MAMULA ON THAT PLAY?!
Excellent DS commenter Bobby Big Wheel also had this to point out about the Eagles.
1. They're probably all going to be injured this year
2. Their fans love to brag about how fucking devoted they are
3. The loss of Brian Dawkins left a cheap shotting hole at safety.
4. They never have a fantasy receiver worth drafting. Even when Kevin Curtis had that 3-TD, 200 yard game he sucked the rest of the year
5. The city's greatest contribution to music in the past decade is now the house band for Jimmy Fallon

So suck on that.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.

Even the Lions and Bengals are also trying to capitalize on this sick trend. Dog leashes, jerseys, water dishes. Every team in the NFL is selling pet accessories, many of which can be personalized to include Favre's name and number (or anyone other gruesome football thugs that make you sick.) It's just gross. Don't they realize that if everyone sees little Bowser in a Vikings #4 onesie—or worse, a Cowboys shirt—that all the other dogs at the park run will hate him? Why would you put a poor defenseless animal through that?

It's true that these disgusting products pre-dated the return of Brett Favre and that any product that's available to one team can be made available to all of them (just like those equally offensive Alyssa Milano baseball tank tops) but I still think it's despicable. The NFL should burn all these products in a giant bonfire before I become more offended. Shame on you, NFL Shop. People who hate Brett Favre fans deserve better.

Want to buy a customized Michael Vick Eagles jersey for your dog? NFL says okay ... for $39.99 [NY Daily News]
NFL Madness - #7 Michael Vick Dog Jersey [Bob's Blitz]
Doggie dress-up [Philadelphia Daily News]
Not cool guys [German Village Media]

You might recall Leone's immortal status message: "Dan is [expletive] devastated about Dawkins signing with Denver. . .Dam Eagles R Retarted!!" That was enough to get him canned, and they've refused to take him back in the months since.

But apparently doggie mass murder isn't as heinous a sin, goes Leone's thinking. He's making the Philly media rounds to plead his case:

I figure, if a guy like that can get a second chance to make millions, why can't I get a second chance? I won't cost them that much to work there.

I deserve a second chance. I didn't commit any crimes or kill any dogs. And I'm left jobless."

Well, not jobless, as Leone is still working as a security guard across the parking lot at the Wachovia Center. But damn it, Flyers victories are bittersweet once you've tasted the Eagles nectar.

But Dan, I'll tell you why Michael Vick received an offer, despite his past transgressions: he's one of the best in the world at what he does. He can put a football between a receiver's numbers at 50 yards. He can escape 300-pound monsters and scramble for a gain.

If Vick's specialty was one that required a high school education, and didn't have thousands of similarly unskilled workers waiting to take his place, then you'd have a case.

Fired Eagles Worker Asks: Second Chance for Vick, Why Not Me? [KYW]

Florio hinted at this idea early on, that the Michael Vick signing is therapeutic for Coach Andy, who's shifted his no-nonsense coaching style and become more forgiving of people's past transgressions. He's on a personal crusade to become the NFL's Dr. Phil:

"I've seen people close to me who have had second chances and taken advantage of those It's very important that people give them opportunities to prove that they can change, so we're doing that with Michael."

Hug it out.

This is probably a healthy shift in policy for Reid, who's often been accused of being soulless when it comes to football operations and family matters, too wrapped-up in the business side and his clunky playbook binders to have normal social interaction with humans. Now, he's humbled and convinced that Tony Dungy's path to righteousness is both good for his own personal growth and his ability to run gimmicky offensive plays.

And look:

DeSean Jackson is already fist-pounding Mike Vick. Progress is imminent!

Young Reid Would Have Passed [Philly.com]

I feel like we're all burned out on the news angles already, when it's barely 36 hours after the signing was announced and Jen Utley is a perfectly legitimate interview for this. She likes animals, you see, and is married to someone involved in Philadelphia sports, so what does she think about this mean man who will be playing games right across the street from where her husband plays his?

Well, mainly she's mad that the Eagles didn't check with the SPCA first. No, really.

I think if you're planning on being conscious of a very sensitive issue it might be positive to do that. Anybody who knows me personally knows I'm an extreme dog lover."

Look, Jen, Andy Reid committed to Vick without even seeing him work out, so no one would be aware of an imminent signing. If he doesn't run things by his team trainers, he's not running it by the animal shelter.

And on a football note, Vick has claimed his first victim. Giants rookie RB Andre Brown is done for the year after injuring himself in a let's-learn-to-defend-against-the-Wildcat drill.

Jen Utley Speaks About Michael Vick [The 700 Level]
Dungy: Reid Picked Vick "Sight Unseen" [PFT]
NY Giants Rookie Running Back Andre Brown Lost For Season With Ruptured Achilles' Tendon [Newark Star-Ledger]
Coincidence? Giants Install Wildcat Defense Friday [AP]

Within the first minute of today's press conference, Andy Reid, the actual coach of the Eagles, turned the proceedings over to "Coach Dungy," who did most of the talking. It seems clear that he was the broker of this deal, not because Vick needed an agent, but because he needed a stamp of approval from a respected private citizen. He didn't have to make a pitch. The league's coaches came to Dungy for answers. Can he play? Can we trust him? Will you vouch for him? The Tony Dungy Rehabilitation Program has done a tremendous service to Michael Vick, one that few other athletes have ever been given.

But as much as he benefits Vick, Dungy helps the team even more. He provides the Eagles with cover, because Dungy is the one who signed off on this problem child. A pro football team just hired a player who hasn't touched a football in 2 years, without even giving him a workout. They have no idea what kind of player they're getting. When does that ever happen? And if it goes south? "Well, Coach Dungy gave us his word! How were we supposed to know he'd rob a bank?"

If this works—and really, it already has—this could be the path to respectability that more and more athletes choose, for both honest and cynical reasons. Will Dungy become like the Jesse Jackson or Bill Clinton of sports, rushing to the scenes of crimes to give voice to the voiceless? (The difference being that Dungy sincerely wants to help other people, not just Tony Dungy's Ego. Dungy has even wondered aloud if he could have stopped the dog fighting from even happening, if only he'd known sooner.)

Will other respected sports figures follow his lead and start lending their name and support to controversial athletes? How many other people could have even sat at that podium today, like the wife of a politician who has committed infidelity, and been able to lend Vick the necessary credibility to keep critics at bay. Few sports figures command that level of respect.

Because he's not an agent, a lawyer, or even a boss, Dungy is in a unique position to offer his unbiased stamp of legitimacy. He had nothing to gain from helping Vick, except the blessings of his Lord. (So selfish!) I'm guessing football's Dr. Phil should expect plenty of phones calls in the near future.

Tony Dungy, A Good Influence in Michael Vick's Life [Examiner]
Former Colts coach Dungy backs new chance for troubled Vick [Rochester Democrat and Chronicle]
Former Indianapolis Head Coach Tony Dungy mentors former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, but Dungy too loyal? [Washington Post]

OK, this end of the couch is the Raiders—ta da! Mike Vick on the Raiders: how about that?

OK, now—swoop!—he's on the TV stand, and the TV stand is the Vikings, and that Tonka truck we just knocked off the TV stand is Tarvaris Jackson. Poor Tarvaris!

This is why there's no point in pre-thinking about the NFL. Till yesterday, the argument about Vick came down to one of two propositions: he would sign with a team that knew what it was doing, or he would sign with a team that did not know what it was doing. If he was still valuable, the Patriots or Ravens would find something useful for him to do; if he was a scatter-armed has-been, the Raiders or Vikings would take him. The signing itself would settle most of the questions.

So, naturally, he goes and signs with the Eagles. Do the Eagles ever know what they're doing? This is not a rhetorical question. This is an actual ongoing mystery.

It is possible that the Eagles, having rallied to last year's NFC championship game after humiliating Donovan McNabb with his mid-season, mid-game benching, have decided to ratchet up the cruelty of their psyops another notch—that McNabb, back-stabbed once already, will raise his game even further to avoid being back-stabbed again, this time with a prison-sharpened toothbrush. That would be dumb.

It is also possible that the Eagles, whose offense consists of having one brilliant five-foot-eight guy catch or carry the ball 60 times a game, are keeping Vick around to take over the catch-and-run duties when Brian Westbrook's limbs finally fall off from overuse. That would be sort of smart.

Or maybe Andy Reid will forget that he even has Vick on the roster, and then, in the third quarter of a game in Week 12, will absent-mindedly send him into the game to punt. That would be the Eagles.

PHOTO: VIa SI via Getty Images

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

Relax. Take it all in.

Okay. I think I got it. Anyway.

Here are some pros:

• If Mike Vick is still skilled in what Mike Vick was skilled at before he went to the clink and he hasn't put on 40 pounds of prison muscle during that time, well, the Eagles will have a pretty incredible back-up quarterback come Week 6. This is a serious, oh, hell yes we're serious upgrade. Just because Kevin Kolb can skin a giant hog with a plastic fork doesn't make him a viable option. And A.J. Feeley is still A.J. Feeley. He's just older and more paunchy.

• Hey, McNabb asked for playmakers! Maybe they'll incorporate some hybrid, legal version of the A-11 offense. I can see it now: McNabb under center, Vick in the slot, Shady McCoy sitting on Westbrook's back, DeSean Jackson in a four-point stance, Jeremy Maclin crouched in child's pose 17 yards behind the line of scrimmage and...HIKE! It'll be like electronic football.

• This makes this season interesting no matter what.If McNabb goes down with a knee injury in week 2, well, do you not think people will write-off the Eagles immediately? Of course they will BUT — Mike Vick's redemption song is on the horizon. Maybe he can lead us to victory! And if Michael Vick brings Philadelphia to the playoffs or, gasp, WINS a Super Bowl, well he could set a dozen baby poodles on fire in the middle of Broad Street and he'll still be a hero for life. Just how it is. But, either way, who's not watching this guy trot onto the field each week and the subsequent reaction he receives in each new city?

And the cons:

• Michael Vick electrocuted, drowned, or whatever else he did to dogs and this will be horrible PR. Philly media was one of the most anti-Vick cities when all of this stuff broke. In fact, my old pal Stu Bykofsky, a strident animal rights activist, called Vick a "wretched waste of DNA" in one of his columns. Oh, and it probably doesn't help that one of Phladelphia's most cherished athletes, Chase Utley, really, really loves dogs. How many fights will break out between PETA freaks and drunken lunatics in the parking lot this year? Over/under is at 50.

• And also.... Hmm. You know what? Can't think of anything else. Ron Mexico? On the Eagles?

This, sports enthusiasts, is seven kinds of awesome.

As you were...

(Thanks to Nathan M. for the photoshop.)

Eagles Confirm Vick Signing [Philly.com]
What? Eagles Signed Mike Vick? [The700Level]

Jim Johnson's only head coaching gigs were in small college programs, but he never seems to have had aspirations to do it at the NFL level. He was content being one of the most accomplished defensive coordinators in the business.

It was a shock when the team announced in January he was taking a leave of absence to fight melanoma. And we knew things were bad when the Eagles named a new coordinator this past weekend — with Johnson's blessing, of course. But the football world wasn't yet ready for today's news: Jim Johnson, dead at 68.

For ten years, Jim Johnson was an exceptional coach for the Philadelphia Eagles, but more importantly, he was an outstanding human being," Eagles Chairman Jeffrey Lurie said in a statement released by the team. "As an integral part of the Eagles family, Jim epitomized the traits of what a great coach should be – a teacher, a leader, and a winner. He positively touched the lives of so many people in and out of the Eagles organization. It was easy to feel close to him. Our hearts go out to his wife, Vicky and his wonderful family. We will miss him greatly."

As I said, I'm a Giants fan. So my memories of Johnson are limited to his unparalleled blitz packages terrorizing Kent Graham, Kerry Collins, Kurt Warner and Eli Manning twice a year, every year. It was always nerve-wracking seeing our QB lined up against the Eagles' D; Jim Johnson was one of the best.

Eagles' Jim Johnson Dies From Cancer [Philadelphia Inquirer]

Unfortunately, this is not a parody site. No, Fred-Ex/The People's Champ/First Down Fred interacts with the smattering of fans still left in the world still hopeful the man born with hands carefully constructed by God will someday rejoin an NFL team. The bulk of the site is dedicated to Mitchell answering various e-mail questions from people more lonely and delusional than himself.

Observe the [Sic'd]:

•

EagleYankee22: "Freddie, you're the man! The miracle of 4th and 26 is one of the greatest receptions in Eagles history. Why don't you think the Eagles used you as much as they could have?"

Fred Sez: Thanks Eagle … I think that the powers that be made that decision, possibly because my relationship with Donovan wasn't all that comfortable …

•

kory's stuff: Freddie ...i loved the dallas scramble...Greatest moment ever.Did u ever try and talk to coach Reid about gettin back to philly ? Hell it worked for trot eatin some humble pie.

Fred Sez: Kory, a big misconception here is that I was cut from the team, when in fact, I asked Coach Reid to be released. Thinking back on it now, I should have gone to the media and informed them first that I was asking to be released, rather than it looking like I was being cut from the team.

•

Kyle Garis: When you were a substitute teacher, did any kids ever hand in a test and say "I just want to thank my #2 Pencil for being so great"?

Fred Sez: Kyle, the substitute teacher thing was a big rumor … I did an appearance at the school, but my main reason for being there was to gather some valuable information on my little girls Mother's, brother. I guess you could call it Freddie Mitchell undercover cop!

And there's so much more. I only hope that Freddie doesn't get unjustly blackballed by the internet as he was by the NFL.

Freddie Mitchell's Personal Blog [Freddie-Mitchell]