Seeing no other option, Phillies general manager Pat Gillick told the Allentown Morning Call that Brett's just a real "shitty, shitty pitcher" right now. Okay, this is really what he said:

“We just felt it was the best situation for Brett,” general manager Pat Gillick said. “This way he can continue being a starting pitcher. How many starts he will make there is something we’ll monitor.”

Sounds promising. As of now, the Phillies haven't stated who'll replace Brett in the rotation, but here's hoping that Mitchell & Ness get cracking on that Lehigh Valley IronPigs "Myers" jersey right away. Those things would fly off the shelves.

Brett Myers Optioned To The Minors [The 700 Level]
Brett Myers optioned to Iron Pigs [Allentown Morning Call]

Drew's affront, also stoked by then pitcher Curt Schilling's undressing of Drew's agent Scott Boras for attempting to get his player a multi-million dollar deal without ever having a major league at-bat, was one that consistently brings out the worst in Philadelphians. I went to that infamous '99 game, Drew's first appearance as a St. Louis Cardinal, and it was easily the worst-of-the-worst displays of Philadelphia fandom. It wasn't just the battery throwing that was troubling; it was the seeming acceptance for the vociferous hatred that was everywhere, young and old, baseball fan or drunken cretin, who lock-stepped in, as Rick called it, "Brotherly Bile. " The most disturbing display was when two teenage fans unfurled a bedsheet with "J.D. Jew" scrawled on it and showed it off to the Vet Stadium maniacs with gleeful, menacing pride.

Throughout the recent Red Sox series, Drew received similar treatment, with the boos cascading instincitively as soon as he steps into the batter's box. ( The Diamondbacks' Stephen Drew also hilariously gets this treatment.) Drew shrugs it off, always polite, never condemning of the fans, and, yet, it continues. Fine. Everyone's allowed to boo, but, according to a recent Philadelphia magazine article written by Rich Rys, Philadelhia fans should realize that it wasn't J.D. Drew that snubbed Philadelphia — it was the bumbling Philadelphia Phillies front office that snubbed him:

What the Phillies owners want everyone to forget about the J.D. Drew debacle is that it was completely avoidable — before he was drafted, Drew, and Boras, made it clear he expected a staggering $10 million signing bonus. The Phillies figured they could strong-arm the two once Drew was picked. But Wade vs. Boras was an epic mismatch, and although Boras reportedly cut his demand in half, the Phillies refused to go above $2.6 million — right where the league wanted them to stay. Drew ended up in St. Louis, and the Phillies wasted an elite draft pick. Drew’s first appearance at Vets Stadium led to the infamous battery-pelting incident, but the fans should have aimed their Duracells at the owners’ box.

But, regardless of the truth, the booing of J.D. Drew will continue because he has become the embodiment of Philadelphia's frustration, shame, and title-lessness. It's more symbolic than anything else, but it's also become tiresome. All it does is give more ammunition for all of the out-of-town writers to bring up snowballing Santa Claus, batery throwing, and other isolated incidents of wretchedness that have made Philadelphia trogolydytic fan capital of the United States. It'd be nice if they actually proved them wrong.

The Phantom Five [Philly Mag]

Fact: If you were to line up the home runs by Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, and Pat Burrell in the first inning back-to-back, you would have ... [shifts abacus] three runs. The 700 Level has video proof this math is accurate. (Note: I will start embedding Redlasso videos when they starting disembeding leukemia into my browser.) From there it just went downhill, including a 9-run fourth, three Cardinals ejections in the eighth, and infielder Aaron Miles coming in to pitch the 9th, which oddly enough was St. Louis pitching's only 1-2-3 inning. Howard went 3-for-5 with two home runs, 4 runs and 5 RBI, and some rookie dude named Carlos Ruiz had 4 hits and 4 RBI, both career highs.

The Tigers Have A 30-Game Winning Streak. That's a world record! Okay, sure, technically they have losses mixed in there — 37 to be exact, but seven of those were at the beginning of the season — and, admittedly, the win streak in the purest, truthiest sense is only four games after a 5-0 win over the Dodgers. But that streak is still the longest in the majors right now, which should count for something. And the thing is, the most recent loss was that Dontrelle Willis monstrosity, and he's a Single-A pitcher now, so the loss doesn't really count. And the four-game losing streak last week? Well, all those days occurred on weekdays, while nobody's really paying attention since they have work and family functions and large quantities of sleep in between each day. In fact, you can look at every loss the Detroit Tigers have had this year and deduce that it's but an aberration and really shouldn't count against the winning streak. Thirty in a row, here's to thirty more! (For the entire season, of course.)

Do You Like Me?

World Series Preview, No Doubt. The Rays beat the Marlins 7-3 in a matchup of the year's two surprising teams. Somebody poke Florida, it just feel asleep on itself. Also, it's nothing to be alarmed about, but Cliff Floyd had his first stolen base in two years. By the way, does anyone know how to fly a plane?

The Barry Zito Watch. The jillion dollar man went 5 2/3, gave up four runs, six hits, and four walks in the 5-1 loss to the A's. But between innings, Zito came up with an idea for a killer acoustic guitar song. It's like Oasis meets Dave Matthews. Working title: "Your Heartbeat Is My Vitaminwater."

Utley of course is unconscious, with his homer on Tuesday making it seven homers in his past eight games (he already had a stretch of seven homers in seven games April 17-23). More Utley adulation over at Phillies Nation, including a nice photo of one of his diving catches. And The 700 Level also chips in right here. They're declaring him the frontrunner for NL MVP, and who are we to argue? Although Chipper Jones is still hitting over .400 (2-for-4 to increase his average to .407 in the Braves' 7-5 win over the Marlins). Meanwhile, the Reds' Ken Griffey Jr. sat out the game with "general soreness," remaining at 599 career homers. As I recall, didn't it also take him forever to go from 499 to 500?

• The Hat Squad. Um, what the hell is up with this?. Don’t know; don’t want to know. Baltimore beat Boston 6-3, as the Red Sox lost David Ortiz to the 15-day disabled list with a partially torn tendon in his left wrist.

• Jason And The Argonauts. The pinch-hit grand slam, thought to be extinct in the wild, was discovered in St. Louis on Monday when Pittsburgh's Jason Michaels did it to tie the game 4-all. Jason Bay then doubled home the winning run in the eighth.

• Mighty Casey. Casey Blake single-handedly saved your fantasy team with two homers, a bases-loaded double and seven RBI — the most by an American League player this season — as Cleveland beat Texas 13-9.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Game. Michael Cuddyer, Minnesota Twins. Wizard Cat hates greed, like when friends come over and try to muscle in on his Tender Vittles. Let this be a lesson to Derek Jeter, who tried to double down on the Twins' center fielder and was met with Epic Fail. Boom goes the dynamite! Wizard Cat gives this play: Five wands.

The Phillies' offensive explosiveness can have that affect on people; after running off a week of epic run-scoring, it's amazing that more and more fans aren't having similar reactions.

Phillies fans , please take into account what you eat for the rest of this homestand and make sure you have extra support for your summertime footwear should you happen to take a similar tumble.

Just your typical Tueseday night at The Bank [The Fightins']

They stood with a horde of other fans along the hotel's circular driveway, waiting for players to pop out of taxis and limousines.

At one point, a silver stretch limo arrived. The back door opened, and a handsome young man emerged.

Someone yelled, "Hey, it's Jimmy Rollins," and the mob lurched forward and surrounded the man, who was startled.

"Jimmy who?" he said.

"Hey, Jimmy, sign my ball," someone shouted. "Jimmy! Jimmy!"

"I'm not Jimmy," the man said. "I think you got the wrong guy."

Rollins said as he swept his opened palm over their faces. "I am not the man you seek. You will go home now. You will make an honest living. An honest living."

"Yes... honest living," said the autograph hound in a trance.

Today's story comes courtesy of Barry Petchesky, a young buck freelancer who gives us this wonderful little diddy about his first experience with the mesmerizing, intimidating largeness of Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard.

They say players never forget their first major league game. The same goes for reporters because, believe it or not, we were fans before watching baseball became a job. It was 2005, and I was a senior at Temple University, interning at the sports section of the Philadelphia Metro, which you may recognize as the newspaper that closes so early it doesn’t have time to run anything other than the AP story for night games. But it was the Sunday afternoon before the All-Star break, the Phillies beat reporter was out of town, and the editor decided it would be nice to send the intern to cover the game as a way to make up for the fact that they weren’t paying me.

I pretty much shat myself with excitement. I didn’t know the dress code for the press box, so I went with a long-sleeve button down, slacks and dress shoes. On a hundred-degree day. I wanted to be respectable, and I suppose it worked, since the Daily News reporter asked me if I was coming from a wedding. It was when I noticed that he was wearing jorts and a t-shirt with an ice cream stain that I first felt out of place.

It was a great game: extra innings, a win for the home team. But the real story was Ryan Howard’s game-tying home run. Jim Thome had gone down with a season-ending injury the week before, and heir apparent Howard had stepped into the starting lineup with the overblown expectations of a hope-starved city on his shoulders. If you don’t remember the hype from his rookie season, picture Jesus walking across the Schuylkill.

I had only one thought in my mind: I was so focused on being a professional reporter and not seeming star-struck, I got lost making my way from the press box to the locker room. When I finally made it the press was already surrounding Howard’s locker, so I elbowed my way to the front. That’s when I had an entirely new thought dominating my mind: oh, look, it’s Ryan Howard’s cock.

The locker room at Citizen’s Bank Park is right off the showers, so most players were milling about in towels, or changing into street clothes. Not Howard. He was chatting with the press, smiling that man-child smile that makes him so endearing, and – oh yeah, waving his Louisville Slugger around like he was in the batting cage.

I’d like to tell you I kept a veneer of professionalism. I’d like to tell you I looked him in the eye and asked the hard-hitting questions. But I was channeling Boon from Animal House: “Is he bigger than me?”

I didn’t have it that bad. I’m tall enough to be almost eye level with him, but the poor WIP reporter must’ve been about 5’2”. If he had been a vampire, Howard could have impaled his heart with a quick pelvic thrust.

I don’t want you to think I was being homophobic, or prude, or maybe a little turned on. This was more than casual nudity. This was flaunting. For every question, Howard would rotate his body to face the reporter, as if calling on them with his baby arm.

I stammered some stupid question about how he felt to hit his first big homer (note to aspiring journalists: “how does it feel?” is the laziest, least interesting question you can ask someone. So go ahead and ask it, you’ll fit right in with the rest of the press). That’s when he turned his weapon to bear on me. When you’re looking down the barrel of something like that, you’re damn straight there’s going to be no follow-up question.

The press circle broke up, and, shaken, I went to do a sidebar on the players’ All-Star break plans. I, being a goofy, unathletic-looking white guy, naturally sought out the two goofy, unathletic-looking white guys on the team, pitchers Billy Wagner (flying to Detroit for the game) and Jon Lieber (going fishing at home in Mobile).

I had noticed them watching Howard’s interview with interest, so I decided to do my first real investigative journalism of the day.

“Is he allergic to towels or something?” I asked.

They cracked up laughing. “You noticed that?” Lieber asked. “You press guys really make this an uncomfortable environment for the team.”

That hurt. There I was thinking I was going to be a sportswriter, and my first time in the Big Show I ruined it by not knowing how things were apparently done. If I was going to be thrown off my game by something so insubstantial as a giant black penis, how could I ever make it in this business?

That’s when Wagner threw his arm around my shoulders.

“Sorry about that,” he said. “He made a bet with Jimmy [Rollins] in Spring Training. Ryan said if he didn’t hit 10 home runs by the All-Star break, he’d go naked for the media. Sorry you had to see that.”

I’ve seen athlete dong since then. But you always remember your first.

The Slanch Report caught Orestes Destrade getting a little distracted during the replay of the Phillies-Brewers contest on Thursday's Baseball Tonight. The objet du distraction: Jayson Werth's mother,.

Destrade goes onto to describe her as "young looking" between fapping noises and hoping Werth hits more homers so they can keep cutting away to his mom.

According to Werth's wikipedia page his mom, Kim, was quite the athlete in her day, participating in the Olympic trials for the 100 meter and the long jump. Also, her father and uncle were both Major Leaguers, Werth's birth father was a minor leaguer and her current husband, Dennis Werth, played 3 years of big league ball, so she's a baseball gal through and through.

Well, that's settles it. Destrade need only draw coverage for the next Cougar Track Meet and forget about all this unnecessary baseball stuff.

Nah, you'll come out to CBP all jorted-up, with your fake diamond studs and shiny sneakers and David Wright jerseys. Go ahead. Enjoy yourselves. Talk about World Series titles and the Giants Super Bowl and how "we suck" and how our "girls smell like Mexican piss" and "Ben Franklin is a faggot" or the other creative insults you spend all that time working on while driving in the IROC on the Jersey Turnpike. Yeah, what's your buddy's name? "Steez?" That's catchy. Hey, Steez! How do those cuffs feel? Hope you can afford bail, you red-headed sack of fuck.

The Only Likable Mets Fan Is One In Cuffs [The 700 Level]

If you found that annoying, you clearly don't live in Pennsylvania; those guys have been pummeled with ads for weeks now. Daulerio reporters that at least "every third" commercial is a political ad, with the majority coming from Obama, who has considerably more cash on hand.

But this is going to get so much worse. Imagine if the White Sox stay hot and play the Diamondbacks in the World Series? Our World Series will be ruined with Obama's team against McCain's. (If you still think Clinton has a shot, feel free to replace "White Sox" with "Yankees," "Mets," or "Cubs.") Complain all you'd like, but you're not going to be able to hide you head from this election in the sports sand. You should actually cheer for Obama to win Pennsylvania tomorrow just to have a few months off; otherwise ... well, we'll just say we're happy the Pacers and Bobcats aren't in the playoffs.

But yes: They're even courting the WWE vote. Heavens.

Philly For Hillary [The 'Ropolitans]

A few thoughts:

• The pictures of the new Citi Field make it look like an Ebbets Field throwback, but once you're up close, you realize it looks just like the new Busch Stadium, and Citizens Bank Park, and Camden Yards, and all other "retro" stadiums that are going up now. As we've mentioned before, the great irony is that we have replaced all the old cookie cutter stadiums with new cookie cutter stadiums.

• Sadly, opening day was the lone day for Rick Astley. Last night they played Bon Jovi's "Livin' On A Prayer," which received a much heartier ovation. Also of note: That pro-union song was actually sponsored by The United Association of Plumbers and Pipefitters. We thought that was great.

• We'll kind of miss Shea in a way we won't miss Yankee Stadium. Both are antiquated, uncomfortable ballparks ... but at least Shea knows it, and revels in it. And you watch people get in fights in the upper deck at Shea without worrying that one of the snipers on the roof is going to take them out.

(Photo courtesy of Stksave27)

Last year, the Phillies, marred by a few incidents of overconsumption, trash-throwing, azzzz-hole-ing and fisticuffs promised to do their part to control the Axe-body spray covered mobs. This year, Phillies promotions director John Brazer says that the Philles are aware of some of the ('isolated") incidents that happen during Dollar Dog Nights, but they are not in jeopardy of ending. "We can't let a few people spoil a great promotion for every one else," he told me today.

On Wednesday night, the 300 level at the CBP once again turned into a zoo once the beers and hot dogs fully digested. And in the 8th inning, a full-on hot dog-tossing battle ensued between at least four sections. The end of the game? Trash on the field, drunk kids in the parking lot peeing on each other, and it's off to another rollicking start of the 2008 season at CBP. Brazer did say that the Phillies will continue to beef up security on those nights and have stopped discounting tickets to college kids, but he says Wednesday night's madness was a combination of many different factors: it was cold, the Phillies lost, everybody was fired up for opening night...

What about the hot dogs? Do the hot dogs having anything to do with it?

"I don't think the hot dogs are having a direct impact on the behavior problems, no," he says.

The next Dollar Dog night is scheduled for April 15 (tax day!), which should once again prove to be an entertainment spectacle like no other. If it happens again, the Phillies have to rethink this promotion a little bit — don't they? It'd be a shame if it stops. Everybody loves those dollar hot dogs and if the game does suck, at least you know you have some other activities to look forward to in the stands. There are seven more dollar dog nights scheduled at CBP this year.

Do other MLB teams have these types of problems with their cheap hot dog night promotions?

Phillies College Night Gets Wild [The 700 Level]
Phillies Fans Cope With Being 1-Hit by The Nats In Less Than Sanitary Fashion [The 700 Level]

But Jahweh woke up late last night from his hangover and granted some divine intervention in the form of...Rudy Seanez.

Thank the Lord. Literally.

Even Blessed Balls Can't Help the Phillies Win On Opening Day [Lion In Oil]
More Ball-Blessing Photos [WMGK]

That said, we, perhaps stupidly, like the Mets this year.

1. New York Mets. Come on, come on ... sign Bonds in July. It'll be fun!
2. Philadelphia Phillies. If last year was really all this is going to come to, one suspects Phillies fans will be less than pleased.
3. Atlanta Braves. Even though they no longer have the water taxis to Shea, we still want to get there for Tom Glavine's first game there.
4. Washington Nationals. Elijah Dukes, Dmitri Young and Lastings Milledge. We can't wait.
5. Florida Marlins. We will never tire of saying "Uggla."

We showed us ours, now show us yours. And Monday we wrap up with the American League East.

Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.

Today: The Philadelphia Phillies. Your author is A.J. Daulerio and ... Bill Conlin.

A.J. Daulerio will be the senior writer at Deadspin starting March 31. Bill Conlin covers the Phillies for the Philadelphia Daily News. Their words are after the jump.

For Christmas this year, I received that shirt you see in the right hand corner. It was a gift from my well-intentioned fiancée, who decided that she'd invest in something sports-oriented. It is a thoughtful gift, isn't it? It is very well-made and its colors suggest the Phillies baby blues of the 70's, replete with red and white racing stripes on the arms. And the number: 22. Why, that's the number worn by Jay Loviglio in 1980. Then it was Bobby Dernier's number for a while. Now? It's mine. I'm sure my first reaction when I unwrapped the shirt was the way a parent reacts when their toddler gives them heartfelt, but completely useless presents like a shoe box full of grass or a broach made of bowtie pasta. My second reaction was pure bewilderment — when had I expressed my desire to start dressing like Jermaine Dupri?

Look, I'm a Phillies fan, but I've never been much of personalized jersey guy (except in unique circumstances, of course). It's always bothered me that Philadelphia sports fans have this odd tendency to buy team jerseys, then put their own surnames on the back. You can get away with this if you're a famous singer or a politician, but not a Jewish mortgage broker from Bryn Mawr. (Honestly, you're not helping the cause if you take the Taxi Crab to Broad and Pattison then show up sporting a Flyers jersey with the "Schwartzenstein" on the back.)

And this isn't even a jersey. It's a button-down shirt that looks like a jersey. This is just awful.

But I wore this shirt-jersey (shirsey) to a New Year's party this past year, fully expecting to get mercilessly ridiculed (or, actually, I was hopeful she would). But each time I forced people to comment on the shirt, even with a generous amount of ironic build-up, the reaction was oddly ... positive.

"Seriously? Are you looking at this thing? Do you honestly think anyone can pull this off if they're not a member of Boyz II Men?"

"It's kind of awesome, actually."

Granted, some of these guests were full-blown ape-fisted Phillies fans and by that point this was a few drinks into New Year's Eve, but ... come on. Not even a snicker?

The reason this wasn't as big a joke? The Phillies were winners. They won the N.L. East. Remember? In dramatic, holy shitballs-fashion. So this New Jack shirsey was tolerable because it still served as a reminder of last year's breathtaking fall.

And in order to look forward to this season, you have to look back. For many Phillies fans, the first time they heard a Harry Kalas homerun call hooks them. The first looong drive walk-off sticks to your insides for the rest of your life. But when you start to pick up the paper and read about the Phillies the first guy to leave that sort of mark was ... Bill Conlin.

He's the writer that pulled you into the wondrous haze of Phillies baseball. Each of his columns reeked of hot dogs and the late night post-game boozefest at the local crap tavern. He was there; he was part of it. Even if he wasn't actually cooze-chasing with the players anymore, he still wrote like he did. At least you know he did at one point. It made the team more likable, more human — this was your team. He ripped the guys that needed it and doled out compliments only in small doses, because as poetic as his baseball beat could be, he absolutely wasn't soft. When you're young and first gaining an appreciation for both baseball and writing, Conlin was mesmerizing. He even made the ugliest of Phillies squads amusing. (Did Conlin just compare John Felske's managerial style to some failed WW I general?) So at the start of what would most likely be another memorable Phillies season, it seemed only fitting to ask him if he'd help out. But would he?

That's the thing about Conlin: even though he can be the grouchiest son of a bitch at times, the man's not going to turn his back on a Phillies fan. Even a lowly pamphleteer.

He agreed to participate and share his thoughts on the upcoming season ... and send along pictures of himself surfing.

AJD: So, is this Mets/Phillies rivalry the best one you've ever seen?

CONLIN: 1975-83 Phillies vs. Pirates was intense, combative and needed no help from the media. Those Pirates of "Fam-i-lee" fame played with "attitude" before the term became a buzzword. Mix a squad heavy with talented blacks and Latinos, add a little coke, sprinkle liberally with greenies, turn up the volume on the clubhouse sound system, put a permissive players manager like Chuck Tanner in charge and step back and watch the line drives fly. You know it was intense when a laid back guy like Mike Schmidt charged the mound and broke a knuckle on the bony head of Bruce "The Assassin" Kison. Phils were in awe of the Big Red Machine, who swept them in '76 and went downhill after they lost Pete Rose and their pitching collapsed. Once the Pirates were moved out of the East, the Mets should have become the natural rivalry, but until the Phillies got into their current almost-good rut, it seemed that whenever they were decent, the Mets were wretched and visa versa. Now it appears destined to become the real deal.

AJD: Does having a woman like Anna Benson (presumably) in this city cause a distraction in the clubhouse? Has there ever been a player on the Phillies who had an equally (potentially) distracting wife or girlfriend?

CONLIN: I don't understand how a trophy wife would cause clubhouse problems unless she insists on sharing Benson's locker. It becomes a problem if the other wives bitch about her at home. It becomes a real problem if she pullls a Mary Jane Johnstone and the club lets her fly charters with Kris. Mary Jane flew every charter with Jay, accompanied by two tiny toy poodles she carried in her handbag and her presence in the road hotels really put the club's large number of chasers in deep stealth mode.

(Ed. Note. Mary Jane Johnstone was wife of Phillies former outfielder Jay Johnstone. Probably best known for his rain delay antics and his appearance as the first batter called out on strikes by Lt. Frank Drebin in "The Naked Gun.")

AJD: Last year, Inquirer writer Sam Carchidi almost got the crap kicked out of him by Brett Myers? Did you ever come to blows with any of the players?

CONLIN: When I went on the beat in 1966, I was 32 years old and was still an active surfer, 6-1 and about 225. Ashburn once wrote in his Bulletin column that I was stronger than a lot of guys on the ballclub. I was never physically threatened by any player, although traveling sec Eddie Ferenz and I went a few no-decision rounds one night in Montreal during a Molson's induced argument. Ferenz once cold-cocked reliever Dick Selma, knocking him onto the baggage carousel in Newark Airport. In 1986 I was inducted into the Ocean Rowing Hall of Fame. These photos were taken around 1970:

AJD: Last year I talked about how Burrell's engagement might impact his play and brought up his alleged lady-killer past. Out of the guy's you've covered, which Phillies player got the most ass?

CONLIN: Bo Belinsky without a close second. How can you match a stable that included Ann-Margret, Connie Stevens, Tina Louise, and Mamie Van Doren, And then the guy marries (and divorces) Playmate of the Year Jo Collins, then tree heiress Janie Weyerhaeuser. On a trip to LA in 1966, I took him surfing at a famous Orange County break called Cotton's Point (Nixon later bought the Henry Cotton Estate the point was named after and turned it into the Western White House). To show his gratitude, Bo took me clubbing in Hollywood after the game. The details are classified. Here is Bo from that day. He was an ungainly but fearless surfer:

(Ed. Note: Bo Belinsky!)

AJD: Oh, what do you think of that shirt?

CONLIN: Nice enough to get you beat up at Shea...

It was a fun weekend for Daly; he gleefully got smashed (and signed some asses) after missing the cut in Tampa. We assume he was drinking before showing up to hang with the Phillies as well.

Afterwards, we assume the night pretty much went like this.

AJ Daulerio might have famously proclaimed "Neither God, Jesus Christ, nor a fire-shitting demon from hell wants to fuck with the Phillies right now," but at this point, we're not sure the Phillies would have much chance in beep baseball. Some fans are on Charlie Manuel's case, but the Rockies are a shitstorm right now; they're overmatching the Phillies in every possible way. The first postseason for the Phillies in 14 years — jeez, the Rockies have been there since they have — is in serious danger of not lasting through the weekend.

Meanwhile, we wonder how this series is going over for Mets fans. Sure, you get to watch the team that bested yours lose, in hideous fashion, but to have the harbinger of doom be Kaz Matsui ... that has to cause some internal strife.

Rockies Win Pushes Phils To The Brink [BeerLeaguer]

Your live blogger — who has reliable Internet access — is Deadspin associate editor Rick Chandler. Enjoy his excellence after the jump. And, of course, play along in the comments.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

Bottom Ninth, Rockies 10, Phillies 5

Two quick outs, fly to center and groundout to second.

Utley singles to give Phillies fans hope.

Burrell lines a single over shortstop, and we're rolling now! (Phillies are doomed)

Howard takes strike three, and that ends our contest. The Phillies are in a world of hurt, folks. But hey, they've been there before.

We'd like to thank Nibbles for running extra slowly on the little wheel this afternoon. Updates were slow, I know. As Lando said in The Empire Strikes Back, "It wasn't my fault!"

Enjoy Indians-Yankees. G'Night.

Top Ninth, Rockies 10, Phillies 5

TBS has a "sister station?" Kinky.

Yankees-Indians will start on TNT.

JC Romero is your pitcher (No. 12 of the game), and induces Helton to ground out 1-3. One down.

Garrett Atkins flies out to center. Two down.

Hawpe strikes out swinging. End of inning.

Bottom Eighth, Rockies 10, Phillies 5

Burrell lines out to short, and we'll now have a pitching change.

Howard singles with one out, against new pitcher Brian Fuentes.

Rowan strikes out, but ball gets away. Howard scoots to second, and Torrealba throws to first ... but first base was occupied, right? Yeah, he didn't need to make that throw. Runner on second, two out.

Werth walks. Now get ready for the pinch-hitting stylings of Tadahito Iguchi.

Iguchi walks to load 'em up. Pitching change? Yep.

It goes to 11! Manny Corpas (Delecti) will be the 11th pitcher of the game. Let's give him a hand.

Carlos Ruiz is your hitter, and Corpus starts him out with a slider for a strike.

Ruiz grounds out 5-3. Inning over. Sad, really.

Top Eighth, Rockies 10, Phillies 5

Cory Sullivan grounds out. One down.

This brings up Kaz "Meat Rage" Matsui, who just needs a singe to become the first player in major league history to hit for the cycle in a post-season game.

Antonio Alfonseca is your pitcher, by the way.

Matsui flies out to center. Two down.

Tulowitzki doubles.

Holliday lines out to Rollins at short, who elevates to make the snag, preventing more Phillies grief. End of inning.

Bottom Seventh, Rockies 10, Phillies 4

It's very quiet right now at Citizen's Bank. I blame the Phillie Phanatic.

Carlos Ruiz to lead it off. Ryan Speier is your pitcher.

Tulowitzki out 6-3. One down.

Shane Victorino pinch single!

Victorino running, Rockies pitch out. But no one's covering second, and throw goes into center. Victorino goes to third.

Who pitches out with a 10-4 lead?

Rollins grounds out to first, but Victorino scores. 10-5, Rockies.

Chase Utley flies out to left. Inning over.

Top Seventh, Rockies 10, Phillies 4

Dane Cook implores you to stay tuned. "There's only one October!"

Atkins flies out to center. One down.

Hawpe hits one up the middle that Hawpe can't come up with. I score it a single.

Spilborghs finds the hole between short and third for a single. Runners on first and second.

Torrealba grounds into a 1-4-3 double play. Inning over.

Bottom Sixth, Rockies 10, Phillies 3

Between Ripken and Frank Thomas, that's a lot of bald in the TBS studios.

How big is Frank Thomas' head? Someone should measure it.

Ryan Howard homers deep to left. No. 48 this year! Rockies 10, Phillies 4.

Ben Affleck is pitching, for some reason. Well no wonder Howard went deep.

Aaron Rowand strikes out. One down.

Jason Werth grounds out 5-3, despite his "safe" call as he crosses the bag. Two down.

Oh wait, the pitcher is Jeremy Affeldt. He wasn't in Gigli at all.

Bolstered by the knowledge that he did not star in Daredevil, Affeldt strikes out Dobbs to end the inning.

Top Sixth, Rockies 6, Phillies 3

Jose Mesa and his Amazing Chin Whiskers are pitching. Ryan Hawpe is your hitter. Oh, a leadoff walk. Who could have predicted that?

Spilborghs works a full count ... and walks. Runners on first and second. Wait, what ... booing? In Philadelphia?

Torrealba sends one to right-center that drops and rolls to the fence for a double. Two runs score. It's 8-3 Rockies.

Mesa is now 2-0 on Fogg, and someone throws a bottle onto the field from the upper deck.

Fogg SAC bunts runner to second. One out. And the Jose Mesa Experience is over. Please drive safely.

Your pitcher is now Clay Condry. Matsui is hitting.

Matsui triples to the gap in right-center. It's 9-3 Rockies.

Tulowitzki called out on strikes. Two down.

Holliday singles to left, scoring Matsui. 10-3 Rockies. Look out for flying objects!

Helton strikes out. Inning over.

Bottom Fifth, Rockies 6, Phillies 3

The Bourn Ultimatum: He lines out. One down.

Rollins grounds out to short. Two down.

Jose Mesa up in the pen for the Phillies. May God have mercy on us all.

"Josh Fogg pitched very well on Monday except for one inning." Yeah, when he gave up five runs.

Chase Utley hits one off his shoetops into center for a single.

Burrell strikes out on nine pitches. Changeup. Inning over.

Top Fifth, Rockies 6, Phillies 3

Due up against Lohse: Holliday, Helton, Atkins.

Holiday called out on strikes. The dreaded backwards K. One down.

So what is Helton wearing around his neck? A pacifier? Bathtub stopper?

Helton grounds out 3-1. Two down.

Atkins flies out to center. End of inning.

Bottom Fourth, Rockies 6, Phillies 3

Ground out. One down.

Josh Fogg is pitching, by the way. Pinch hitter Greg Dobbs flies out. Two down.

Carlos Ruiz flies out to left, as Spilborgh makes a sliding catch. End of inning.

Top Fourth, Phillies 3, Rockies 2

Atkins, who looks like a middle school math teacher, doubles to left-center to lead off.

Hawpe flies out to the wall in left. One out, runner on second. Rockies are 0-for-4 with runners in scoring position.

Spilborghs jammed on the hands on a high fastball, and pops out to first. Two down.

First base open, pitcher on deck ... and they're pitching to Torrealba. Let's watch the fun.

With the count 2-0, they walk Torrealba. Seth Smith — the very best player in the National League named Seth — will pinch hit. This ends your Franklin Morales broadcasting day.

Smith hits a slow roller toward third, and the charging Helms can't grip it, all are safe. Just the way they did it with the Colorado Springs Sky Sox! Bases loaded, two out. It looks like we're going to have a pitching change. Which means it's time for another Sonic commercial.

Kyle Lohse is your guest pitcher. Taz Matsui is your hitter.

Matsui lines one down the right-field line ... FOUL

Kaz Matsui has Meat Rage! Grand slam, into the stands in right. Rockies lead 6-3.

Hey, I missed an out. Inning over.

Bottom Third, Phillies 3, Rockies 2

Here's a fun fact: The Phillies have the highest stolen base percentage in baseball. 139/157, .878. Does this eem right?

Pat Burrel lines out to center. One down.

Ryan Howard is hit by a pitch on an 0-2 count. Hit him on the hand. He appears to be ... OK. Ryan Howard WILL be at the dance tonight, girls. He will be there.

Morales picks off Howard at first. I've seen pickoffs before, but Howard was so fooled Morales could have thrown it underhand. Two down.

Fly ball to center. End of inning.

Top Third, Phillies 3, Rockies 2

It's Kaz Matsui time.

Matsui plays wall ball in center. It's off the padding, and Matsui cruises into second with a double. This game could go 4 hours.

Full count to Tulowitzki.

Tul-la-lu-la-witzki, Tul-la-lul-la-la, Tu-la-lul-la-witzki, it's an Irish, lula-byyyyyy ... Oh, he struck out. One out.

Holliday grounds to third, Two down.

Why is Lohse warming up? This seems unwise.

Todd Helton flies out to one of those positions out there. Inning over.

Bottom Second, Rockies 2, Phillies 1

Werth strike sout. One down. Time for the awesome power of Wes Helms.

Full count to Helms. Ball four in the dirt.

Morales went to his mouth while on the mound, so a ball is added to the count. 2-1 count to Ruiz

Ruiz doubles to right-center, over Spilbors' head on the warning track. Runners on second and third. One out.

Kenrick at the plate. Ball one.

Kendrick grounds out to second, but runners don't advance. That ball was hit s-l-o-w-l-y, but Helms didn't try it from third.

Rollins at the plate.

Rollins to the gap in left-center, two runs score! A standup triple! The chants of MVP begin, naturally. A high breaking ball, which in retrospect which was unwise.

Chase Utley will now be your batter.

Utley flies out to center for the third out.

TOP 2nd, ROCKIES 2, PHILLIES 1

Brade Hawpe leads off for Rockies as we try the top-to-bottom format! Blogging is fun!

Hawpe walks.

Spilbors grounds to short, force at second, throw to first is wide. Runner on first with one out.

It's YORVIT TIME.

Holliday is still wearing his chin strawberry, I see. The Rockies should market press-on chin strawberries. I'd buy one.

Torrealba flies out to center. Two down.

Morales at the plate. I expect nothing less than a homer.

Morale sstrikes out, crushing the dreams og young Rockies fans everywhere. Third out.

ROCKIES 2, PHILLIES 1

—-—-—-—-—-—-—

Dane Cook has admonished me to be a true fan, and I have Meat rage. Also I've taken off my long sleeves. Let's kick the tires and light the fires.

Kaz Matsui starts it off for the Rockies. Top first. Let's go. Ready to work against Kyle Kendrick. Ball one? I'm outraged!

Matsui ground ball out. Troy Tulowitzki hits a ball off of a woman's wheel chair in left center. Well, it didn't hit a wheelchair, it appears to be a flower pot. Home run! Manuel comes out to argue but it's 1-0, Rockies.

Matt Holliday proves that John Denver's Heavenly influence is still strong. Home run to deep left. 2-0 Rockies.

Helton pops out, F5. Two down.

Fly out to right.

BEGIN BOTTOM 1st, ROCKIES 2, PHILLIES 0

Rollins home run to left ... high fastball. 2-1 Rockies. I'm not making this up, people!

Morales wears No. 56 ... high numbers make me think of spring training. Also so does three homers in the first 1 1/3 innings.

Chase Utley strikes out. One down.

Burrell crushes one, but foul. Ball four. Howard strides to the plate. Time to order a pizza.

Someone is finally pitching fron the stretch! Howard strikes out swininging, 96 MPH at the belt. Two down.

5-4, third out.

END ONE FULL, ROCKIES 2, PHILLIES 1

It has been so long since the Phillies hosted a postseason game that we had to wonder how they would handle losing Game 1 of the NLDS to an oddly dominant Jeff Francis and the Rockies yesterday. They've been strangely quiet on the blogs, but a visit from a Rockies fan to enemy territory — hopefully properly disguised — might tell the real story.

y favorite part. In Holliday's 1st AB of the game, the crowd chanted "Touch the Plate"....hilarious ... Philly sports talk radio on the drive back to DC was already calling for Utley to be benched in favor of Iguchi ... Philly's fans with Helton coming up: "Crap...just walk him." "This guy always hits .400" ... The Rocky theme song is played about every 5 min. Honestly....could it be any more overdone? The Phillie Phanatic dressed up in boxing gloves and a warmup robe to "box" some pasty white guy in a Rockies hat right in front of the Rockies Dugout inbetween innings (I think the 5th). Naturally he was knocked out.

We do think the early lead disoriented the Phillies fans, who were seemingly suspecting a blowout and a sweep. (Or, as Purple Row put it, "the Phillies four-game series win starts today, we guess.") But that wasn't much of a homefield advantage yesterday. They better pull together fast this afternoon.

Report From Game 1 [Purple Row]

We'll be live blogging all the day games this week, and we kick you off with today's Phillies-Rockies tilt at Citizens Bank Park. It's Cole Hamels for the Phillies and Jeff Francis for the Rockies. And your live blogger is John Bolster, sports editor at Penthouse magazine. After the jump, enjoy, and, of course, play along in the comments. (You can also email him right here)

(UPDATE: Mr. Bolster's Internet connection has collapsed. So we're sorry, but the live blog is all kaput. It happens. The early evening game will work smoother. Frankly, we're having a good enough time watching the commenters keep us updated. But nevertheless: We apologize. We recommend you check out The 700 Level's live blog. Sorry.)

Top of the Second Inning
Welcome to the playoffs, Todd Helton. He greets Hamels with a first pitch triple. Atkins drives him in. Torrealba drives him in with a bloop single to center. A walk to Matsui loads the bases. Hamels walks in a run. ... More glitches folks. Sorry. Hamels strikes out Holliday to end the inning but the damage is done.

Rockies 3, Phillies 0

Bottom of the First Inning
Technical difficulties, folks. Sorry. Jeff Francis struck out the side—Rollins, Victorino, Utley.

Rockies 0, Philllies 0

Top of the First Innning

Cole Hamels is a beast, with a wicked fastball, curve and changeup—and a hot wife in former Survivor girl Heidi Strobel, but this is easily the biggest game of his career. He gets Kaz Matsui on a grounder to short, then makes Troy Tulowitzki look silly on a changeup. Two down. Matt Holliday dribbles one down the first base line, tough play for Hamels and he doesnt look likely to make it. Ryan Howard bails him out with a nice pickup and lunging tag. 1-2-3 for Hamels.

Rockies 0, Phillies 0

Pregame

And a good day to you all, Deadspinners! Welcome to the first game of the 2007 playoffs. But of course for these two teams it seems like the playoffs have been going for weeks now. They're each riding a tidal wave of momentum, and as long as one or both of them isn't completely drained, this should be a bang-up series.

Hey, in our MLB Preview (April 2007 Penthouse) we picked the Phils to win the NL East. Outside of Jimmy Rollins, we were pretty much the only ones to make this call. Of course the Rockies and their entire organization—huge fans of ours—are well aware of this:

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/baseball/nl/rockies/2006-05-30-rockies-cover_x.htm

So it's gonna be Schmidt's in here all afternoon, no Coors Light.

We've got a man at Citizens Bank Park to file on-site reports, but he's having technical difficulties right now. We'll keep you posted.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

But we must not forget the celebrations that got us to this point, and Flyers Fieldhouse ranks the best ones. The Yankees, being so used to this business and all, rank as the worst, and, not surprisingly, the shitshow of madness the Phillies pulled off after the clinched the National League East on the last day of the season was rated the best.

We feel bad for the Yankees: Their celebrations will always be tempered by the fact that nothing they do is good enough. The champagne doesn't taste as good when you know if you don't win your next game, everyone's going to call you a failure. (Or, you know, run pictures on the front page of the paper with you and a she-male, muscular type).

Baseball Players Know How To Party [Flyers Fieldhouse]

Therefore, to adequately preview the madness that is the baseball playoffs, we've invited some of our favorite writers for each of the eight playoff teams to write about their teams. These will be running all day today and tomorrow, and we very much hope you enjoy them.

Up right now: The Philadelphia Phillies. Your writer is A.J. Daulerio.

A.J. Daulerio is a staff writer for Philadelphia magazine and is sometimes refered to as a testicular euphemism on this site.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—

Oh, hello! It's great to be here. Thanks for having me.

Let us begin.

Here is a Phillies team that a good portion of the city (myself included) gave up on thanks to the slow start, the untimely slumps, the injuries, the rickety pitching staff and a manager who appeared to have the baseball IQ of a drugged ape.

This is a team that spent 99 percent of the season in second place.

Even though confidence was at an equally odd, disorienting high last Sunday at Citizens Bank Park, there was still that pesky loser's nag of doubt. This was the fourth week of football season on a Sunday afternoon, and watching baseball this time of the year — at the ballpark, no less — was already strange. But as I pranced into CBP (Yes. A big, queer prance.) with a brown bag of Coors Light (Yes. A big, queer bag of Coors Light), I was still acutely aware that this could blow up. Even though the Marlins were up 5-0 before Jamie Moyer tossed his first pitch, there was still doubt. Tiny doubt, at that point, but it was still there. There could be a one game playoff on Monday and that, although exciting, would be a faith-suck. So it was best to enjoy this moment — this gay-Coors Light-prancing moment — because history suggested this could very well be the best part of the day.

But as the ninth inning rolled around and that big "F" flashed on the scoreboard relaying the news that the Mets had unbelievably, miraculously lost AGAIN, I finally let it go. Somehow, the Phillies didn't miss the Wild Card this year. Somehow, they were division champions. Somehow, for once, everything just got all Johnny Nash-clear and bright.

This is a different kind of joy, mind you. This is one that has always eluded most Philadelphia sports fans and one that is, admittedly, tough to process. This isn't the same joy felt when the Eagles won the NFC Championship in 2004 (they were supposed to, finally), or the Sixers in 2000-01(not highly improbable) or the Flyers regular-season dominance during the Bobby Clarke GM-era (again, familiar, predictable.) This joy isn't even the 1993 Phillies, who held onto the division lead the whole entire year and wrapped it up pretty easily in September. No, this is different. This is a gift. Two and half days after that 6-1 victory (convincing, no less) over the Nationals I am still stunned, trapped in T. Hill-pose, still grasping for logic and familiarity to return: No, that didn't happen. That didn't. No way that just happened.

It did. This city had one ping-pong ball then somehow came away with the number one pick.

So, here they are. The 2007 Philadelphia Phillies, the team to beat waaay back in January, now has home field advantage in the National League Division Series.

Of course, the Padres would have been the opponent of choice, but it's the Rockies. The surging Rockies, with their powerful bats, their devout Christianity and their furious momentum. No, you don't want to play the Rockies, they say, not right now, you don't. They're too tough and they have too much power in that lineup...

Sure. Let's play 'em. Todd Helton can hold as many prayer circles as he wants because , to paraphrase the great Inquirer columnist Bill Lyon, who was also dusted off for the occasion, "Neither God, Jesus Christ, nor a fire-shitting demon from hell wants to fuck with the Phillies right now. "

Okay, maybe he didn't say that. Ever. Close enough.

Oh, happy day.

But these two, the Phillies and the Rockies, probably have the most legitimate claims to destiny status. It's almost a shame the two most inspiring stories have to face each other in the NLDS; it would be like George Mason and, we dunno, Virginia Commonwealth having to play in the NCAA First Round. That said, it means one of them, amazingly, will be one series from the World Series. But which one? (Drama! Thanks, Dane!)

A look at predictions from around the Internets:

• CoolStandings: Rockies in four.
• AJ Daulerio: Phillies in four.
• Will Carroll: Rockies in four.
• Jeff Pearlman: Phillies in five.
• Jayson Stark: Phillies in five.
• Buster Olney: Phillies in five.
• DEADSPIN: Phillies in four. Cole Hamels is starting to look like a true ace, and the Phillies' hitters are dramatically better. Remember, Philly has some momentum too.

Thoughts?

Whether it was the Guillermo Mota curse, or just the brilliant prognostication abilities of Steve Phillips, the Mets just finished off one of sports' greatest collapses. (We heard some Yankees fans mocking the Mets last night, but we'd be careful, were we Yankees fans, crowing about somebody else choking.) What in the world happened? Jason Fry of Faith And Fear In Flushing saw something wrong with this team months ago, and his elegy this morning is a must-read.

I never liked this team. Early on, when they were ahead of last year's pace, I was vaguely embarrassed by this. Like a lot of us, I found myself groping for explanations, and worrying about why they left me cold. Was this the ugly side of raised expectations? Of the first stages of hegemony? Was this how being a Yankee fan began? What wasn't to like? But I struggled to warm to them during the spring, and when they stumbled through the summer I stopped fighting it. I let a bit of hard-earned cynicism take over, dissecting fandom like social scientists examine human attachment. I told myself that when they made the playoffs, I'd find myself liking them just fine. But then the second half of September came, with the second horrible body blow administered by the Phillies, the inept handling of the pitching staff, the idiotic displays of temper, and the repeated assheaded baseball. And finally, those horrifying quotes by Delgado and Glavine and Pedro, the astonishing admissions that yeah, the team was bored and complacent. That right there was the end of the pretending that I would change my mind.

And that, oddly, made the rest easier. I will always love the 1985, 1999 and 2006 teams, despite the fact that they never won titles. I was never going to like this one, even if it wound up rolling down the Canyon of Heroes. The 2007 Mets were the smug, self-satisfied hare to the tortoises of Philadelphia and San Diego and Colorado. Badly constructed and badly led, in the end they got exactly what they deserved.

So, is this all for Willie Randolph? On one level, this is a complete team collapse, something 25 (or so) men do together, grasping hands and leaping off the cliff. But we think it's impossible not to hold a manager responsible for something like this. Will Mets fans ever trust Willie Randolph again? How could they? What more evidence could a team need?

I'm OK, And That's Not OK [Faith And Fear In Flushing]

This means the Phillies are your National League East champions as Jamie Moyer essentially bored the Nationals to death with war stories in a 6-1 victory. Gee, I sure hope the New York tab-sheet newspaper — I forget which one it is — can think of something catchy for their back page about this.

San Diego is also about to suffer a collapse not as cataclysmic as that of the Mets, so we won't use a Jenga analogy. How about Ker-Plunk? That was slightly less popular than Jenga. Their magic number was at 1 with two games left to play, so it is noteworthy. They're losing to the Brewers in the final innings, whereas the Rockies are currently tied with the complacent Diamondbacks in the — oh, let's say the seventh — inning. Barring a miracle comeback for the Padres, all the Rockies have to do is eke out a win over Arizona and they secure a one-game playoff with the Padres for the NL Wild Card.

And since we know the Wild Card won't come out of the East, the Cubs will officially play the Diamondbacks in the first round. At least those tickets can be printed.

Yes, National League teams actually clinched playoff spots on Friday. Coupled with a Brewers loss, the Cubs magic number finally decreased to Gilbert Arenas with a 6-0 win over the Cincinnati Reds. They've earned their second division title in five years. The only question left is what new mythical happenings will assist the Cubs in throwing the NLCS away? Here's to hoping it's a strike three passed ball.

The 706 Level. Lost amidst the national frenzy surrounding Jimmy Rollins Jimmy Rollins single-season at-bat record, the Phillies happened to win their game, 6-0 against the Washington Nationals. Isn't that always how it works? You get so focused on one player all season that you ask your buddies how many at-bats Rollins had any given night — getting disgusted when you find he was just walked all night — that you fail to look at the final game score. So I'm sure Tim Redding is ashamed that he'll forever be the pitcher linked to getting Rollins to fly out in the second inning last night in hits record-setting 706th at-bat of the season. But that Trivial Pursuit question pales in comparison to the fact that the Phillies have just dug themselves out of a seven-game deficit in the NL East, and find themselves in first place. It ain't always about illustrious baseball records.

No, No, Skipper, I Said Away From The Iceberg. The Phillies' NL East lead was partially due to the Mets' 7-4 loss to the Florida Marlins, for whatever reason:

How fitting that the Shea Stadium staff played Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" for the start of the ninth inning. Remember, Tony Soprano got whacked (or not) to that song. Either way, the screen went black, and the same is about to happen to these Mets.

SNAAAKE! SNAAAKE! AH, IT'S A SNAAKE! In a last-ditch effort to get someone to notice them this year, the Diamondbacks had to go and win the National League West with a 4-2 win over the surging Colorado Rockies. Maybe now someone this side of Tim Kurkjian will think about them. Maybe not.

Two More Spots Left, Cue The Musical Chairs Song. We still have an NL East and Wild Card left to claim. Right now the Mets are just one game back of the Phillies in the East. The San Diego Padres have the inside track for the Wild Card, with two-game leads over both Colorado and New York. Basically, wins by San Diego, Philadelphia and Florida today will secure all eight playoff positions, rendering Sunday slightly boring.

The great Baseball Prospectus Postseason Odds report gives the following percentage chances on surviving the weekend:

• Chicago Cubs: 92.9 percent.
• Arizona Diamondbacks: 82.9 percent.
• San Diego Padres: 65.6 percent.
• Philadelphia Phillies: 59. 1 percent.
• New York Mets: 58.5 percent.
• Colorado Rockies: 34.0 percent.
• Milwaukee Brewers: 7.1 percent.

The series to watch are Washington at Philadelphia, Florida at NY Mets, Chicago Cubs at Cincinnati, San Diego at Milwaukee and Arizona at Colorado. Playoffs? Who needs playoffs?

It wasn't a booing night in Flushing. Maybe because of Pedro. Maybe because this was a makeup date and you had to go a little out of your way to find it. Maybe some of the more sympathetic souls at Shea took "makeup date" literally and felt conciliatory toward their team on this, the last evening they would spend alone in first place.

Then there's the very real possibility that there wasn't a ton of derision because there wasn't a ton of concern or its sibling emotion, a ton of belief. You can't believe what you've seen since September 12: the Mets 4-10, the Phillies 11-3. After 140 quick minutes, we filed out like middle-schoolers from a mandatory assembly. It was cool to get out of class for a couple of periods, but that was pretty lame, wasn't it? Yes, it was lame. Yes, the Mets are lame. Yes, the Mets are choking on their own vomit in historic fashion. At first it was disturbing to watch. Then it was sad. Now it's barely anything.

Baseball Prospectus points out that if the Mets do lose this lead, it will be the second worst collapse in baseball history, behind the 1995 Angels.

But collapses do not happen in a vacuum, and if you saw highlights from Philadelphia last night, that place has bugs in its britches. And lots — and we mean LOTS — of towels.

Mets and Phillies are tied. This might be a fun weekend.

C'Mon — What Else We Gonna Do? [Faith And Fear In Flushing]
Your NL East Leading Phillies [The 700 Level]

When Barry Bonds hit home run No. 756 on Aug. 7 in San Francisco to break Hank Aaron's record, it was Murphy — a Mets fan who was even wearing his favorite team's jersey — who came out of a scrum with the ball. But here's our theory: That ball is cursed. The illegal steroid consumption that helped produce it also bedeviled it, like the ancient tiki idol that Bobby Brady found on the beach during his family's infamous Hawaiian vacation. It's star-crossed; and for the Mets to win the East, that ball must be returned to McCovey Cove.

Murphy of course sold the ball at auction, but the taint obviously remains; the Mets blew two three-run leads and lost again in the ninth inning, 8-7, to the Marlins on Thursday. The Phillies, 7-6 winners over the Nationals, are just 1½ games back. On Aug. 7, the Mets had a 4½-game lead over the Braves ... the Phillies weren't even on radar. Glavine had just won his 300th game, and everything was looking good in Flushing. Then Murphy found the Bonds ball, and the Mets have had nothing but bad luck since. There's only one solution. Just as Peter and Bobby did with the accursed tiki idol, someone must return the Bonds ball from whence it came. Either that, or the voting option to blast it into space; that would work also.

• Ranger Smith Disapproves. The NL Central race has pretty much looked like this for the past six weeks or so; with three teams, and now two, vying to relax in the first-place hammock. Who will prevail? Well, to further torture the analogy, you pretty much have to say the Cubs, right? Milwaukee lost on Thursday while Chicago was idle, giving the Cubs a 1½-game lead. Meanwhile, Yahoo Sports columnist Jeff Passan uses the word "liege" for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire in explaining why Chicago will still blow it.

• One Is The Lonliest Number. The Angels can be the first team to clinch their division with a win tonight, as they reduced their magic number to 1 with a 9-5 win over the Mariners on Thursday. LA's lead over Seattle in the West is 9½, and the Mariners responded to the news by having Jorge Campillo throw two pitches right at Vladimir Guerrero's grill. The resulting melee was quite fun, if ultimately uneventful.

• Oh Tim Purpura, Where Art Thou? Former Phillies' general manager Ed Wade, who resembles Tim Blake Nelson more than any man has a right to, was hired in that same capacity with the Houston Astros on Thursday. Yay!

One of the most monumental sweeps in Phillies history, and there's one freaking broom on the premises? That sickens me. Hey Bob Watson, instead of bothering Terry Francona during the game about wearing a uniform top, maybe you should haul your ass over to the more compelling race and actually make yourself useful by handing out brooms. And not the flimsy nylon jobs as shown here, but the stiff bristle kind, like witches ride. Philadelphia deserves the best.

• All Lathered Up For A September Division Race. That's what we're talking about: Several lead changes, dramatic homers, relief screwups. The Mets-Phillies game on Thursday was all of these and more. Chase Utley ended the four-hour marathon with a run-scoring single off of Billy Wagner in the ninth to provide the win and a four-game sweep, drawing the Phillies to within two games of the first-place Mets. Pat Burrell homered twice and Ryan Howard and Aaron Rowand also homered for the Phils, who gagged a 5-0 lead. David Wright was 3-for-4 with a double and Endy Chavez had a double and two RBI for the Mets.

• More Sweepage Involving New York. Chien-Ming Wang took a no-hitter into the seventh inning, the Yankees prevailing over Boston 5-0. Robinson Cano homered off of Curt Schilling, and Boston manager Terry Francona and Yankees rookie pitcher Joba Chamberlain were ejected; the latter for throwing a pair of pitches over Kevin Youkilis' head. New York is five back of the Red Sox in the AL East, and one game up on the second-place Mariners in the wild card race. Perhaps it was all retribution for this photo.

• Racing Arizona. Rookie Mark Reynolds had five RBI as the Diamondbacks held on for an 8-7 win over San Diego, moving past the Padres into first place in the NL West.

• I Dream In Ivy. Matt Murton and Alfonso Soriano had back-to-back homers with two out in the sixth, Chicago beating the Brewers to go up 2 1/2 games on Milwaukee atop the NL Central. The Astros beat the Cardinals 2-1.

• All The Little Chicks With The Crimson Lips Say Cleveland Walks! Seattle reliever Rick White walked Kenny Lofton to force home the winning run as the Indians beat the Mariners 6-5, their sixth straight win.

Last night, during the Mets-Phillies game at Citizens Bank Park — the Phillies are going for the four-game series sweep today — there was a good ole fan fight in section 302. Bugs And Cranks has video, though it's not quite as inspiring as that picture might make it look:

Still, it's good to see some Philly bloodlust back, not that it ever went away. And soon ... Eagles! Can't wait.

Phillies Fans + Mets Fans + Beer = FIGHT! [Bugs And Cranks]

(Daulerio's all over it at Phillymag as well.)

"I shouldn't have said that," Myers said before Philadelphia played the New York Mets on Monday night. "I didn't mean to offend anybody. I was frustrated, but I never should've used that word."

But was Myers apologizing to the reporter, or to the mentally handicapped? The answer remains unclear.

Phillies Pitcher Sorry For Calling Writer 'Retard' [MSNBC]
Brett Myers Blows The Game, Screams Obscenities At A Reporter [Bugs And Cranks]

Daulton gave an interview to Philly Comcast Sports the other night. He was in rare form.

I started experiencing these different realms, these different planes of existence ... I know exactly what I'm capable of doing. ... People talk about speaking with lizards and stuff. You can communicate with anyone, with nature, that's all that happened there. To me, that's not a big deal now. I like to astal travel, teleport, travel through time ... December 24, 2012, by the way, that's the number. As seven billion people, the world will rise to another level of consciousness. I don't have all the answers.

Oh, you do, Darren: YOU DO.

Dutch Speaks [Philadelphia Comcast Sports]