Just days ago, the Phoenix Suns were considering trading Stoudemire, but then Terry Porter got fired, the Suns were rejuvenated (by two straight games against the Clippers, mind you), and the team was suddenly dreaming of making a late-playoff run. But now they're stuck with his contract, but not his 21 points a night and the suddenly giddy attitude in Phoenix will likely go out the window pretty quick. Oh well.

As for Amar'e—with or without the apostrophe—he should make a full recovery, but that is a scary thing and it's his second eye injury this season. You'd hate to see (get it?) him lose his career over something like this. Kurt Rambis goggles, here we come!

SUNS: Stoudemire Undergoes Successful Eye Surgery [NBA.com]

The always talkative "sources" tell Peter that the Suns are a disaster—which everyone already knew—and that changes are afoot. He claims that Amare Stoudemire will be traded for pennies on the dollar before next Thursday's deadline (not a stretch), but then buries deep in his story the rumor that coach Terry Porter will be fired and replaced by GM Steve Kerr, because all general managers make great coaches, right?

But he doesn't stop there! Vecsey is also reporting that Bulls GM John Paxson—who apparently can't coach well enough—will resign once the trading deadline passes. (Because you want the incompetent guy wheeling and dealing until the last possible moment?) On this story at least, there is a counter-theory from someone with an actual name—Bulls owner Jerry Reinsdorf, who was quoted on Sports Center as saying:

"Pete Vecesy is not a credible enough source to comment on. Two weeks ago he had John being fired, now he has him resigning."

All right then. So will anything this guy says turn out to be true? And is anyone rooting for Jerry Reinsdorf to be vindicated?

BAD KARMA IN VALLEY OF THE SUNS + SOURCES: PAX OUT IN BULLS SHAKEUP [NY Post]

When the Shaq trade went down one year ago, many people struggled to make sense of it, including Mr. Emeritus himself. Adding a slow, old behemoth like Shaq to a team built for speed seemed like a dumb idea at the time, and a year later that seems to still be the case. The Suns lost in the first round of the playoffs last year and are currently mired in ninth place in the Western Conference. Shaq is also making, like, a billion dollars per year or something (actual retail price: $20,000,000).

Amare Stoudemire is making upwards of $15,000,000, sure, but is only 26. Seems a bit young to be jettisoned for salary purposes, but the Suns seem to be giving up on him; Stoudemire himself seems resigned to leaving the desert. I'm not sure that Suns GM Steve Kerr understands that the point of a youth movement is to keep the young players. Overrated MVP Steve Nash is 35, makes over $12 million a year...and is reportedly completely untouchable. Eventually, Kerr will trade away all the scapegoats and there will be no one left to blame except himself.

[ESPN.com]

Nash was already hurt and confused by new coach Terry Porter and his repeal of former coach Mike D'Antoni's liberal "let Steve Nash run wild" policy. Now he has to find a way to cope with the loss of Bell, who was obviously his super special backcourt friend.

“All I can say is that he’s my best buddy and my best friend,” Nash said after the short-handed Suns lost to the Lakers. “The guys loved him, and Boris, too. It’s hard you know. I have a hard time committing to this as a business. I take this personally.'

“I take my career home with me and I care about my teammates,” Nash said. “When you lose two of your best friends on the team, it’s hard. We’re not only recreating chemistry, we’re changing our style. But we’ve got lots of time to build.”

Doesn't that just tear you up inside? I'm sure he'll write, and Steve and Raja can still go to the same summer camp next year and it will be just like the old times. Chin up, pal!

P.S. The Suns are doomed.

Nash upset as Suns trade Bell, Diaw for Richardson [AP/Yahoo]

There have only been about two dozen so far, of various lengths and entertainment value. For starters, Shaq either doesn't understand or doesn't respect the 140 character limit, because several of his messages end up producing disjointed out-of-order rants. He has two messages about Pete Newell, one that's just a picture of himself and another about Oprah. That sounds about right so far. Here are some of our favorites.

This is the second message, and is just seems like a shameless plug that the real Shaq would not stoop to. Or maybe he would....

Wanna see shaq uncut go to shaqtube.tv and just check out some of the funniest shaq videos and bloopers ever to hit the internet. ... ... 3:19 AM yesterday from txt

This should set everything straight ... I guess?

It said on the scrolling ticker tape jammy shaq would like to return to the lakers when his contract is up. Thats not true, this is the real shaq. If ... about 21 hours ago from txt

This one is just baffling....

I just texted gary payton, one of the greatest point guards ever

Now imagine receiving this series of texts, in this order....

Good morning everyone. Let me give you all a hint on how to relate to me, Shaquille O'neal I have a sense of humor I am very quotatious I am super intell ... 9:47 AM yesterday from txt

igent ( but i hide it, dont want anyone to kno i'm a geek) lol And finally, i say things to make you earthlings think. For example, How For example, How many legs would ... 9:47 AM yesterday from txt

g its tail a leg doesn't make it a leg..... A ha got you 9:47 AM yesterday from txt

a sheep have if you called its tail a leg? A smarty arty would say 5 < but the super intelligent specimen, such as my self would say ... 09:47 AM November 18, 2008 from txt

Lol? Really? There's lots of other stuff about yoga and massages, but this one is the best so far and maybe hard to top.

On my way to practice, running late and i got stop by the cops, aaaaaaaggh about 3 hours ago from txt

Kazaam!

The REAL Shaq Is REALLY Twittering [Alana G]
THE_REAL_SHAQ [Twitter]

It all happened at the US Airways Center late in the third quarter, and began when Suns forward Matt Barnes lowered his shoulder and rammed into Houston guard Rafer Alston, who was setting a high screen. Alston came back to confront Barnes in the middle of the floor, and ... wait, is that Steve Nash's entrance music? Nash suddenly shows up and starts punching people's knees and biting ankles, until McGrady throws the hobbit-like guard to the floor. A few shoves by Ming — but they are gentle shoves, sprinkled with kindness — and now here's Shaq! His shoves are not so benign — it's not his fault he is the biggest and the strongest! — and now Suns coach Terry Porter is getting in the middle of everything. Bad idea; that tie makes for an excellent handle.

The Rockets won, 94-82. Barnes:

"They're not going to screen me hard," said Barnes, who was ejected along with Alston. "So I ran through a screen and he didn't like that. You've always got to watch out for your team, especially for your star point guard. I don't really know what he was thinking. He thinks he's tough so he ran up on me. It was just a bunch of pushing."

Alston:

"He just took a cheap shot at me. If you look at the replay, the ref is standing there watching it. It was a dirty play. He raised his arm. Good thing he didn't connect and knock my teeth out. I was just setting a screen. We were trying to get a two-for-one. I don't know if he was frustrated by his game or their game or whatever was going on but there was no call for that. There was no call for my reaction really but sometimes when you someone goes at you like that, you just react."

Nash:

"He (Alston) ran at Matt so I tried to get in there and help Matt. Just making sure he wasn't outnumbered over there and try to diffuse the situation and I got pushed to the ground. After that, it just all kind of happened so quickly."

Here's another angle.

There were two ejections and seven technicals. Oh, and O'Neal's 18 points pushed him past John Havlicek to 10th place on the NBA career scoring list with 26,402. He's now 267 points behind ninth-place Dominique Wilkins.

And the most amazing part of all of this? About the only player not involved in the fight was Ron Artest.

Skirmish Erupts In Suns' Loss [Arizona Republic]

When last we saw them: Finished 55-27, second in the Pacific Division and sixth overall in the West. Jammed a stake in the heart of the :07 Seconds or Less Era by getting eliminated by the Spurs yet again, this time in the first round of the playoffs.

Into the mix: Goran Dragic, Louis Amundson, Matt Barnes, Robin Lopez, Sean Singletary

Out of the mix: Brian Skinner, D.J. Strawberry, Gordan Giricek

The Good: For some reason, most people regard last season's Suns as some sort of tragic failure, but that's a mindbender to me. Sure, they finished "only" sixth in their conference, but they won 55 games...only two fewer than the first-place Lakers. The Shaq trade knocked them off course at first, but then they won 15 of their last 20 games to finish the regular season. Despite Shawn Marion's early-season malaise and the change of philosophy brought about by Shaq's arrival, the Suns still led the league in two-point percentage (53.8), three-point percentage (39.3), overall field goal percentage (50.0), true shooting percentage (59.0) and offensive efficiency (111.2) while ranking third in the league in scoring (110.1). That's a nigh-perfect offensive machine. And it was run, once again, by Steve Nash, who was a half-step slower than previous seasons maybe, but his numbers (16.9 PPG, 11.1 APG) stand up pretty well to his MVP years. And his shooting was out-of-this-reality: He hit 50.4 percent of his shots and - get ready to have your eyebrows singed off - 47.0 percent of his threes. Mind you, Nash has shot 50 percent from the field and 40 percent from downtown in each of his four seasons in Phoenix. I guess what I'm saying is that, when the Martian Men attack, I want Nash aiming our Anti-Alien Invasion Cannon. Amare Stoudemire (25.2 PPG, 9.1 RPG, 59.0 percent shooting) is a certified stat padder. Shaq can still churn out double-doubles - he averaged 12.9 PPG and 10.6 RPG after the trade - while hitting mostly from two feet or less (61 percent post-trade) and filling the paint with his enormous, uh, veteran cunning. Raja Bell is a tenacious perimeter defender and can stick the triple (40.1 percent from threeland last season). Leandro Barbosa is super-quick, Boris Diaw is super-versatile (when he can keep his head in the game), Grant Hill can contribute more leadership and better stats (13.1 PPG and 5.0 RPG) than most washed-up players, Matt Barnes and Robin Lopez will do whatever is asked of them without complaint, and Goran Dragic just might keep Nash from playing too many minutes. Oh, and rumor has it new coach Terry Porter is going to get the team to play defense this season. ("Defense" is where you try to keep the other team from scoring, by the way.)

The Bad: This is a squad that feels like it's already got one foot in the NBA Old Folk's Home: Bell is 32, Nash is 34, Grant Hill is about to turn 36, and Shaq is already 36. There's not much precedent of teams winning with a host of key players already that deep into their dotage. And that age has been harder on Shaq, both mentally and physically. He's missed 86 games over the last three seasons, either because he was injured and couldn't play or because he was consciously saving his legs for the playoffs. Beyond that, The Big Geritol is prone to fouls, turnovers and defensive boo-boos. Despite averaging almost 60 wins over four seasons in D'Antoni's fun 'n gun system, Steve Kerr decided to scrap everything that was amazing about the Suns and turn them into San Antonio Lite. Terry Porter is stressing defense over offense despite the fact that only one or two of the Suns have ever even played defense in their careers. And while that may be a (slight) exaggeration, major philosophical overhauls on veteran teams that are used to playing a certain way often have mixed results. Speaking of which, Kerr has talked openly about limiting Nash's minutes, maybe even keeping him out of entire games. But with Nash on the court last season, Phoenix scored 15.5 more points per 100 possessions than they did while he was laying on his stomach next to the bench. And yes: That was the biggest disparity for any player in the league. Stoudemire's productivity was at least partially reliant on the team's breakneck pace. Will he be as effective in a more standard half court game, especially if Porter is managing Nash's floor time? Grant Hill's health is always a question mark (and, natch, he had broken down by playoff time last year). The Suns aren't deep, and they're relying on two rookies - Dragic and Lopez - to bring it off the bench. Yikes.

Fun Facts: Steve Nash suffers from a medical condition called spondylolisthesis, a chronic and incurable condition that causes mild-to-severe muscle tightness and back pain. (Which is why you'll see Nash sprawled out next to the bench when he's out of the game.) This fact has always been treated rather casually, considering that players like, say, Kobe Bryant stop the world if they hurt, say, a pinky finger that doesn't seem to affect them in any way. The Suns ranked second in blocked shots last season (6.3 per game), a pretty amazing feat for a team that didn’t play D. Amare Stoudemire has committed 589 personal fouls over the last two seasons. That's 18 more than any other player in the league. In their 40 years of existence, the Suns have posted 17 50-win seasons, made eight trips to the Western Conference Finals, and reached the NBA Finals in 1976 and 1993. Still no championships, though.

Videotastic extra: Pat Burke may not be with the Suns anymore - is he even in the league? - but I'll never forget his hair restoration tonic...

"The only thing I call cowardly is when you're up by 10 and do it. That's a cowardly move. I didn't say nothing last year, but that's a coward move. They should really do something about that. When you're down, I can see using it as a strategy, but when you're up 10, 15 points, there's really no need for that. I was fine with that. It doesn't work. It may work in a series, but it's not going to get you to the championship. San Antonio tried it, but they went home a couple weeks after we went home. I just have to go to the line and make them pay. And I will."

And I truly believe that Shaq really will make the Spurs pay. Assuming he employs the same method of "vengeance" he used against Kobe Bryant in last year's NBA Finals (i.e., let the Boston Celtics do it for him). Of course, Shaq also let everybody know that the best offense is, as always, getting him the ball and letting him re-distribute it to open shooters. That's how contracts are made, baby!

"You know, and it's just common sense, I got two guys on me, somebody's open. So like I've been telling the young guys and telling Raja, is that, there's a lot of guys who got new contracts off me, just knowing where to be, you know, all the way from Travis Knight to Damon Jones. That's just being in the right spot at the right time and I'm getting it to them. Jason Kapono, James Posey..."

That's right. The Hornets acquired Posey this summer because of all those open shots Shaq was getting him last...wait a minute. Oh, and about the Suns' defense:

"If our guards can't stay in front of guards, I don't know how you expect a big guy to stay in front of guards."

Regarding the redonkulous three-pointer Tim Duncan hit to send Game 1 of the previously mentioned playoff series into overtime:

"If I pick up Parker, somebody gotta pick up Duncan. [There was] no rotation, no nothing. Like, you know, like the last play of the game where they said 'switch,' and when I switch, nobody took Tim. He hit a fucking three."

Just to sum all this up for you: Popovich is a coward, Shaq doubles as an agent for all his current and former teammates, and his defensive shortcomings are all somebody else's fault. Yep, that about covers it.

Shaq calls Spurs cowards, rips Nash and Suns' defense [Ball Don't Lie]

Shaq calls Spurs Cowards and Disses Nash and Amare [Bright Side of the Sun]

What you missed while making the jump into academia...

• MLB: The Padres become the first team in Major League history to win four consecutive games by a 2-1 score. How delightfully random.
  
• Boxing: "The Ghost" with the most, Kelly Pavlik, scores a third-round knockout over Gary Lockett. Better wash off that ectoplasm, Gary! HEY-O!
  
• New Coaches: Suns to hire Terry Porter, Maple Leafs to hire Ron Wilson. Should've gone with the monkey god.

I feel like we've seen this before, Part I. Well, Dirk Nowitzki and his Mavericks got the playoff matchup they wanted...and five games later, they're once again on the outside looking in. Surprise, surprise.

Chris Paul had a triple-double (24 points, 11 rebounds, 15 assists), David West scored at will (25 points, 10-for-17), Jannero Pargo gave a "suck it, Jason Kidd!" performance (17 points, 7-for-9) and the New Orleans Hornets are movin' on up after a 99-94 victory. Man, what I wouldn't have given to be on Bourbon St. last night.

The Mavs didn't go down quietly. Or wisely. Jerry Stackhouse got himself ejected with 1:47 to play for batting the ball out of Paul's hands during a stoppage in play. Then Stack got all up in West's face. Brilliant moves, Jerry, both of them. Still, Dallas cut a 17-point lead to three with 33 seconds to go, and then they forced a big miss by Paul...but failed to grab the ensuing rebound. Tyson Chandler (10 points, 14 rebounds) smacked the rock out to Paul, who passed it to Peja Stojakovic, and Peja sealed the win with a couple freethrows.

Dirk Nowitzki (22 points, 13 rebounds, 6 assists) did his best, but the results - as always - were the same. Still, Nowitzki offered that "We're better than we showed this series." Sure, Dirk. We hear that every year.

I feel like we've seen this before, Part II. Back in his MVP days, Shaq liked to quote Aristotle, who once said, "Excellence is not an act, but a habit." Unfortunately for the Suns, they have a bad habit of losing big games to the Spurs. Over and over and over again...

Speed it up, slow it down, doesn't matter. San Antonio eliminated Phoenix once again. And the 92-87 loss stung Amare Stoudemire as much as anybody else. "Every year it seems like we always play the Spurs, and they beat us every single time. As long as I'm here we're going to break it sooner or later, because I'm tired of losing to these guys. I'm sick and fed up."

And least Stoudemire is young enough to wait it out. Steve Nash - who lost the ball three big times down the stretch - might be out of time. And he knows what just happened to his team. "I think on paper we have more talent than they do. But I think their experience, their commitment and understanding of what they're trying to do is greater than ours. Their ability to play together and make small plays on both ends of the floor is unsurpassed."

As usual, the Spurs used two guys to do most of the damage. Tony Parker had 31 points and 8 assists, and Tim Duncan added 29 points and 17 rebounds. No other San Antonio player reached double figures, but, as Nash pointed out, they did all the little things champions do. And the Suns didn't.

Smackdown in Motown. Random statistical phenomenon: The Philadelphia 76ers are now 0-1 since Samuel Dalembert got his crazy-ass new mohawk. And given the importance of the game in question, this was the worst possible time for Sam to go on a spectacular hair adventure.

The Pistons, who have apparently turned their targeting computers back on, hit 58 percent of their shots and regained the series lead with a signature 98-81 win. Chauncey Billups finally had a big game (21 points, 12 assists), Rip was his old basket-making self (20 points, 10-for-17), 'Sheed did his 'Sheed thang (19 points, 6 blocked shots), and Tayshaun Prince chipped in with 17 points.

You know how to tell that Detoit has become totally serious about finishing Philly off? The near-to-complete absence of overconfident trash talk. When asked about his team's chances in Game 6, 'Sheed said: "I don't think they're going to lay down at all. It's do or die for them. It's not going to be a cake walk." Hey...who is that guy and what has he done with Rasheed Wallace?!

Andre Iguodala - who scored a career playoff-high 21 points on 8-for-13 shooting - finally figured out how to score against the Pistons. Unfortunately for the Sixers, most of his other players forgot. Louis Williams (16 points) and Andre Miller (13 points, 5-for-17) reached double figures, but that's about it. And that amazing first round upset suddenly seems very far away...

Problem solved. The Houston Rockets finally figured out the best (and perhaps only) way to keep Tracy McGrady from suffering his patented fourth-quarter meltdown: Just end the fourth quarter with a commanding 19-point lead. Not to go all John Hollinger on you, but the Rockets win almost 100 percent of the games in which that happens. Behold the power of math!

Thanks to a 95-69 shot to Utah's meaty flanks, the Rockets have lived to fail another day. McGrady finished with 29 points, 5 rebounds, and 5 assists, and he even managed to scored 8 points in the fourth quarter...thanks in part to the fact that the game had already been decided. Now the King of Martyrs is filled with a ridiculous confidence. "We're in a great situation. We know we can win in Utah because we've done it before."

You know, back in college I convinced a friend to hit me with his car after a night of drinking our way through a Jackie Chan marathon. Sure, I survived, but thanks to the wonders of sobriety, I realize that just because I lived through my stupidity once doesn't mean I could necessarily do it every time. My point? Apparently, I'm an idiot.

Houston got some additional anti-elimination support from Luis Scola (18 points, 12 rebounds), Rafer Alston (14 points, 6 assists) and Creaky Mutombo (10 rebounds). Utah got double-doubles out of Carlos Boozer (19 points, 10 rebounds) and Mehmet Okur (14 points, 10 rebounds), but the Jazz shot 36 percent as a team and seemed to have developed a case of Let'swinitathomeitis.

San Antonio won 117-115 in double overtime to take the 1-0 series lead. Timothy Duncan finished with a cool ranch 40 points. Stay tuned for Game 2, when more rarities surface: Shaquille O'Neal makes a 3-point shot. Bruce Bowen helps up the guy he just knocked down. And Steve Nash guards someone.

(Ok, this is the last post of the day. Unless...)

It is on, baby! After three years of being used and abused by their arch nemesis, er nemeses, uh, nemesises ... whatever ... the Suns traded the future and a piece of their very souls to bring The Big Lord of the Rings to Phoenix. And they did it for the express purpose of beating the Spurs. Now we get to find out if their plan is going to work, and it's only the first round.

The season series: The Suns won it 3-1.

Bad news for the Suns: I've been avoiding all the obligatory "Man, the Western Conference is crazy!" exclamations in my previews, but man ... the Western Conference really is crazy, isn't it? The Suns finished exactly one game behind the Spurs, yet Phoenix is the sixth seed and San Antonio is the third (despite a second-place finish in their own division). The end result of all these shenanigans is that the Suns will have to win at least one game in the AT&T Center — where the Spurs are 34-7 — if they want to move on.

Good news for the Suns: The Spurs lost only seven times at home all season. Two of those losses came against the Suns. So Phoenix can beat them on the road. In the regular season, anyway. Now they have to prove they can do it in the playoffs. And, as you probably already know, the playoffs are a whole different animal. Not "shark with a buzzsaw-looking thingy in its mouth" different, but definitely different.

Reality check: Like Rudy T. said, you should never underestimate the heart of a champion, and part of me wants to pick the Spurs because, well, they're the Spurs. Manu Ginobili has played (at times) like an MVP, Tim Duncan is still Tim Duncan, Tony Parker continues to be both annoying and French (actually, aren't those synonyms?) and they went 12-3 down the stretch, including wins over the Mavericks, Magic, Rockets, Warriors and Jazz. Then again, they're an old team, Duncan is showing the first slight signs of decay, and one of those three losses in that 12-3 streak came at home to the Suns. They may have the third-best record in the West, but they don't feel as dominant as they used to...and besides, they're not that much better than the Suns in the standings, and certainly not on paper.

Spurs player(s) to watch: Tim Duncan. Parker might have been the Finals MVP last season, and Manu Ginobili might have been MVP-like this season, but Timmy's still the centerpiece of the Spurs' championship buffet. Yet in the two games San Antonio has played against Phoenix since the Shaq trade, Duncan's shooting eye has been off (15-for-40 in two games). Moreover, Shaq's physical defense really seemed to bother him in the late stages of those games. I also can't wait to see if San Antonio's grumpy old men - Brent Barry, Kurt Thomas, Michael Finley, and Robert Horry - have anything other than fumes left in the tank. And don't forget Damon Stoudemire. He won't play much, but the dude is in full championship piggyback mode, so expect him to cheer like crazy from the end of the Spurs' bench. Also, Bruce Bowen ... you know what I mean.

Suns player(s) to keep an eye on: Shaq. He's supposed to be The Big Difference Maker, right? Phoenix can only beat San Antonio if the Diesel can provide interior defense, contain Tim Duncan, and score from the post when Mike D'Antoni's offense bogs down. Amare Stoudemire. People seem to have forgotten this, but Stat averaged 37 PPG against the Spurs in the 2005 Western Conference Finals. That was before his first knee injury. And — especially since the Shaq trade — Stoudemire sure looks like he's got that mojo back, doesn't he? Steve Nash. He needs to at least try to stay in front of Tony Parker. Gordan Giricek. The Suns need him to provide scoring off the bench and the long-range shooting necessary to establish the proper spacing, especially when Shaq's working it down low.

Key(s) to the series: Amare Stoudemire, Boris Diaw and whoever else you want to name need to keep their butts firmly affixed to the Phoenix bench when Bruce Bowen and/or Robert Horry start pulling their inevitable crap.

Prediction: Suns in six. Then we will celebrate good times, come on!

And then, there's this other allegation from 2007 where more teenage girls tell police they don't like it when Mr. Johnson hugs them.

Oh, and the first report in Camelback Mountain? Guess where that is located. If you said near Scottsdale, well, you just won yourself an official Buzzsaw beer bong.

Johnson Dogged By Sexual Misconduct Allegations [ABC News 10]
Kevin Johnson Report [Sac Bee]