What you missed while making the jump into academia...

I feel like we've seen this before, Part I. Well, Dirk Nowitzki and his Mavericks got the playoff matchup they wanted...and five games later, they're once again on the outside looking in. Surprise, surprise.

Chris Paul had a triple-double (24 points, 11 rebounds, 15 assists), David West scored at will (25 points, 10-for-17), Jannero Pargo gave a "suck it, Jason Kidd!" performance (17 points, 7-for-9) and the New Orleans Hornets are movin' on up after a 99-94 victory. Man, what I wouldn't have given to be on Bourbon St. last night.

The Mavs didn't go down quietly. Or wisely. Jerry Stackhouse got himself ejected with 1:47 to play for batting the ball out of Paul's hands during a stoppage in play. Then Stack got all up in West's face. Brilliant moves, Jerry, both of them. Still, Dallas cut a 17-point lead to three with 33 seconds to go, and then they forced a big miss by Paul...but failed to grab the ensuing rebound. Tyson Chandler (10 points, 14 rebounds) smacked the rock out to Paul, who passed it to Peja Stojakovic, and Peja sealed the win with a couple freethrows.

Dirk Nowitzki (22 points, 13 rebounds, 6 assists) did his best, but the results - as always - were the same. Still, Nowitzki offered that "We're better than we showed this series." Sure, Dirk. We hear that every year.

I feel like we've seen this before, Part II. Back in his MVP days, Shaq liked to quote Aristotle, who once said, "Excellence is not an act, but a habit." Unfortunately for the Suns, they have a bad habit of losing big games to the Spurs. Over and over and over again...

Speed it up, slow it down, doesn't matter. San Antonio eliminated Phoenix once again. And the 92-87 loss stung Amare Stoudemire as much as anybody else. "Every year it seems like we always play the Spurs, and they beat us every single time. As long as I'm here we're going to break it sooner or later, because I'm tired of losing to these guys. I'm sick and fed up."

And least Stoudemire is young enough to wait it out. Steve Nash - who lost the ball three big times down the stretch - might be out of time. And he knows what just happened to his team. "I think on paper we have more talent than they do. But I think their experience, their commitment and understanding of what they're trying to do is greater than ours. Their ability to play together and make small plays on both ends of the floor is unsurpassed."

As usual, the Spurs used two guys to do most of the damage. Tony Parker had 31 points and 8 assists, and Tim Duncan added 29 points and 17 rebounds. No other San Antonio player reached double figures, but, as Nash pointed out, they did all the little things champions do. And the Suns didn't.

Smackdown in Motown. Random statistical phenomenon: The Philadelphia 76ers are now 0-1 since Samuel Dalembert got his crazy-ass new mohawk. And given the importance of the game in question, this was the worst possible time for Sam to go on a spectacular hair adventure.

The Pistons, who have apparently turned their targeting computers back on, hit 58 percent of their shots and regained the series lead with a signature 98-81 win. Chauncey Billups finally had a big game (21 points, 12 assists), Rip was his old basket-making self (20 points, 10-for-17), 'Sheed did his 'Sheed thang (19 points, 6 blocked shots), and Tayshaun Prince chipped in with 17 points.

You know how to tell that Detoit has become totally serious about finishing Philly off? The near-to-complete absence of overconfident trash talk. When asked about his team's chances in Game 6, 'Sheed said: "I don't think they're going to lay down at all. It's do or die for them. It's not going to be a cake walk." Hey...who is that guy and what has he done with Rasheed Wallace?!

Andre Iguodala - who scored a career playoff-high 21 points on 8-for-13 shooting - finally figured out how to score against the Pistons. Unfortunately for the Sixers, most of his other players forgot. Louis Williams (16 points) and Andre Miller (13 points, 5-for-17) reached double figures, but that's about it. And that amazing first round upset suddenly seems very far away...

Problem solved. The Houston Rockets finally figured out the best (and perhaps only) way to keep Tracy McGrady from suffering his patented fourth-quarter meltdown: Just end the fourth quarter with a commanding 19-point lead. Not to go all John Hollinger on you, but the Rockets win almost 100 percent of the games in which that happens. Behold the power of math!

Thanks to a 95-69 shot to Utah's meaty flanks, the Rockets have lived to fail another day. McGrady finished with 29 points, 5 rebounds, and 5 assists, and he even managed to scored 8 points in the fourth quarter...thanks in part to the fact that the game had already been decided. Now the King of Martyrs is filled with a ridiculous confidence. "We're in a great situation. We know we can win in Utah because we've done it before."

You know, back in college I convinced a friend to hit me with his car after a night of drinking our way through a Jackie Chan marathon. Sure, I survived, but thanks to the wonders of sobriety, I realize that just because I lived through my stupidity once doesn't mean I could necessarily do it every time. My point? Apparently, I'm an idiot.

Houston got some additional anti-elimination support from Luis Scola (18 points, 12 rebounds), Rafer Alston (14 points, 6 assists) and Creaky Mutombo (10 rebounds). Utah got double-doubles out of Carlos Boozer (19 points, 10 rebounds) and Mehmet Okur (14 points, 10 rebounds), but the Jazz shot 36 percent as a team and seemed to have developed a case of Let'swinitathomeitis.

San Antonio won 117-115 in double overtime to take the 1-0 series lead. Timothy Duncan finished with a cool ranch 40 points. Stay tuned for Game 2, when more rarities surface: Shaquille O'Neal makes a 3-point shot. Bruce Bowen helps up the guy he just knocked down. And Steve Nash guards someone.

(Ok, this is the last post of the day. Unless...)

It is on, baby! After three years of being used and abused by their arch nemesis, er nemeses, uh, nemesises ... whatever ... the Suns traded the future and a piece of their very souls to bring The Big Lord of the Rings to Phoenix. And they did it for the express purpose of beating the Spurs. Now we get to find out if their plan is going to work, and it's only the first round.

The season series: The Suns won it 3-1.

Bad news for the Suns: I've been avoiding all the obligatory "Man, the Western Conference is crazy!" exclamations in my previews, but man ... the Western Conference really is crazy, isn't it? The Suns finished exactly one game behind the Spurs, yet Phoenix is the sixth seed and San Antonio is the third (despite a second-place finish in their own division). The end result of all these shenanigans is that the Suns will have to win at least one game in the AT&T Center — where the Spurs are 34-7 — if they want to move on.

Good news for the Suns: The Spurs lost only seven times at home all season. Two of those losses came against the Suns. So Phoenix can beat them on the road. In the regular season, anyway. Now they have to prove they can do it in the playoffs. And, as you probably already know, the playoffs are a whole different animal. Not "shark with a buzzsaw-looking thingy in its mouth" different, but definitely different.

Reality check: Like Rudy T. said, you should never underestimate the heart of a champion, and part of me wants to pick the Spurs because, well, they're the Spurs. Manu Ginobili has played (at times) like an MVP, Tim Duncan is still Tim Duncan, Tony Parker continues to be both annoying and French (actually, aren't those synonyms?) and they went 12-3 down the stretch, including wins over the Mavericks, Magic, Rockets, Warriors and Jazz. Then again, they're an old team, Duncan is showing the first slight signs of decay, and one of those three losses in that 12-3 streak came at home to the Suns. They may have the third-best record in the West, but they don't feel as dominant as they used to...and besides, they're not that much better than the Suns in the standings, and certainly not on paper.

Spurs player(s) to watch: Tim Duncan. Parker might have been the Finals MVP last season, and Manu Ginobili might have been MVP-like this season, but Timmy's still the centerpiece of the Spurs' championship buffet. Yet in the two games San Antonio has played against Phoenix since the Shaq trade, Duncan's shooting eye has been off (15-for-40 in two games). Moreover, Shaq's physical defense really seemed to bother him in the late stages of those games. I also can't wait to see if San Antonio's grumpy old men - Brent Barry, Kurt Thomas, Michael Finley, and Robert Horry - have anything other than fumes left in the tank. And don't forget Damon Stoudemire. He won't play much, but the dude is in full championship piggyback mode, so expect him to cheer like crazy from the end of the Spurs' bench. Also, Bruce Bowen ... you know what I mean.

Suns player(s) to keep an eye on: Shaq. He's supposed to be The Big Difference Maker, right? Phoenix can only beat San Antonio if the Diesel can provide interior defense, contain Tim Duncan, and score from the post when Mike D'Antoni's offense bogs down. Amare Stoudemire. People seem to have forgotten this, but Stat averaged 37 PPG against the Spurs in the 2005 Western Conference Finals. That was before his first knee injury. And — especially since the Shaq trade — Stoudemire sure looks like he's got that mojo back, doesn't he? Steve Nash. He needs to at least try to stay in front of Tony Parker. Gordan Giricek. The Suns need him to provide scoring off the bench and the long-range shooting necessary to establish the proper spacing, especially when Shaq's working it down low.

Key(s) to the series: Amare Stoudemire, Boris Diaw and whoever else you want to name need to keep their butts firmly affixed to the Phoenix bench when Bruce Bowen and/or Robert Horry start pulling their inevitable crap.

Prediction: Suns in six. Then we will celebrate good times, come on!

And then, there's this other allegation from 2007 where more teenage girls tell police they don't like it when Mr. Johnson hugs them.

Oh, and the first report in Camelback Mountain? Guess where that is located. If you said near Scottsdale, well, you just won yourself an official Buzzsaw beer bong.

Johnson Dogged By Sexual Misconduct Allegations [ABC News 10]
Kevin Johnson Report [Sac Bee]

Rollin rollin rollin, we ain't slept in weeks. That's how the entire NBA feels about this whole Shaq-to-Phoenix thing. The universe is ill at ease. The weather patterns have shifted. A subtle tremor has rippled throughout the land, from the electricity in Steve Kerr's vibrating chair, to the tofu crumbs in Phil Jackson's beard, to the Buffalo nickels in Mark Cuban's moneybin. Since arriving in Phoenix, Shaq has been bad, he's been good, he's been fast, he's been slow, he's been important, he's been self-important, he's been a dick, he's been a comedian. And not a damn bit of his regular season hijinks matter now.

Steve Kerr knows championship basketball as well as anyone, and he knows that eight of the last nine championships were won by Tim Duncan or Shaquille O'Neal. Kerr had a single purpose in obtaining Shaq, and that was to defeat Timmy D (doing damage to Pau Gasol along the way). The verdict on Kerr's decision is still to be determined. The Suns have gone 18-11 with O'Neal on the squad. The trade has elevated the game of only a single Phoenix Sun (Amare Stoudemire) and has put more pressure than ever on Steve Nash to win the whole darn thing.

And now that Kasparov versus Big Blue moment is here: Shaq and the superfriends meeting Duncan and the hardhats in the first round. Perhaps the defining showdown of our generation, and yet it all feels so anticlimactic. I can't help but think that the Suns have disturbed some cosmic chi in acquiring O'Neal. As my colleague Bethlehem Shoals has stated many times over, the Suns are not THE SUNS anymore. Ever since they traded in Shawn Marion for Shaq, Phoenix is pumping out nuclear energy, no longer that natural Canadian air. Whatever remnants of Eddie House/Quentin Richardson unbridled mania has dried up. NPR got bought out by Clear Channel or some shit.

The best analogy I can come up with for the circumstances is when Mixmaster Mike took over DJing duties for the Beastie Boys (bear the fuck with me here). The whole charm of the B-Boys was that they were janky, freewheeling and refreshingly spur-of-the-moment. Sure, their lyrics were always simplistic and sometimes corny, and their voices sucked, but you could overlook these flaws because they were fun as hell and each of their first four albums sounded like a beautiful mess. Then, all of a sudden they replaced the rag-tag cuts of DJ Hurricane with the incredibly precise scratching of Mixmaster Mike, and it's like, wait, were these guys trying the whole time? Were we supposed to take them seriously? The addition of the Mixmaster sucked all the spontaneity out of the group, and next thing you know they are cranking out some some J-Pop bullshit like Hello Nasty, or even worse, some watered down pseudo-revivalist bunk like To The Five Boroughs.

It's the same story in Phoenix. Now that we realized that the Suns were actually trying to win the damn thing the past couple years, it's harder to see that era as a period of rich cavorting and effortless expressionism. On top of it, isn't any post-Lakers Shaq team really just a bastardized version of the Zenmaster three-peat squad? We're basically looking in our playbill to see who is starring in the Rick Fox and Derek Fisher roles. The whole story feels so sterile.

And on the other side of the ring are the Spurs, a perhaps too-easy villain after last year's Robert Horry hipcheck, the purposeless consequent suspension of Amare Stoudemire and the Tim Donaghy-tainted smog cast over the whole series. Much will be made of how much the sting of that series lingers in both teams' minds. Yet, the Spurs are focused on a whole higher mental plane. The Spurs have more legitimate depth than any other team in the playoffs — I'm talking real, focused depth; not that Dallas Mavericks store-bought Jamaal Magloire depth. Tim Duncan is Tim Duncan. And any time a balding guy (e.g. Ginobili) is getting insanely better instead of insanely worse, I have suspicions of destiny on that team's side.

Look, this series is going seven games. It's essentially a draw. The Spurs are the champs until proven otherwise, and Ginobili's rise completely compensates for any "steps lost" on Duncan or Tony Parker's part. On the other hand, Shaq has too much pride to roll over, and Steve Nash's presence and free throw shooting alone counts for at least one win for Phoenix. This is about as close as it gets. But aha, in consulting my secret Kabbalah-based NBA playoff-betting guide, it says here clearly on page 317: "NEVER bet on the Spurs to lose a first-round series." A decision has been made. Look, I know that the West has been a dogfight this year and I know it's now or never for the Suns, but San Antonio losing in the first round? That just doesn't look right.

Of course, no Suns/Spurs game is complete without Bruce Bowen pulling some stuff and Amare Stoudemire whining about it. Said Stat: "Bruce came elbow first. Elbowed me right in the rib cage. You know, definitely wasn't a basketball play on his part and I reacted. I definitely didn't appreciate it, so I let him know about it." Bowen didn't talk to reporters after the game.

Playoff watch: Phoenix is in total command of the sixth seed in the West, three and a half games ahead of Dallas. However, they're only a half-game out of the fifth, third, and second spots held by the Rockets, Spurs, and Lakers. San Antonio is in third place, only two games behind first-place New Orleans.

I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. Okay. The Pistons really aren't all that serious about their final regular season games. But the Sixers are, and they held on for a 101-94 win over Detroit's bench. Andre Iguodala had the power with 25 points and 6 assists, and Samuel Dalembert was pretty decent too (20 points, 13 boards). Chauncy Billups led the Pistons with 18 points, but he and the other starters all played less than 30 minutes, except for Rip Hamilton, who didn't play at all (the team's injury report says "rest").

Playoff watch: The Pistons have the number two seed in the East all wrapped up. Meanwhile, the Sixers are currently in the sixth spot.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. So can I please have some of whatever Antawn Jamison is smoking? 'Tawn scored 27 points — including a nasty baseline dunk over Kevin Garnett — and the Wizards became the only team in the league to beat the Celtics three times this season thanks to a 109-95 win. Meanwhile, Doc Rivers couldn't seem to decide whether or not to rest his starters. He yanked The Big Three, then put them back in late in the fourth quarter with the game on the line. Hopefully, he'll have his rotation down for the playoffs. (Yes, Doc's coaching makes me nervous. Very, very nervous.)

Playoff watch: Boston's got the best record in the league. 'Nuff said. Washington has a slim hold on the five-spot, just behind Cleveland and just ahead of Philly.

And Leon's LeBron's getting LARGER!! Okay. That's not exactly true. He's still LeBron-sized. But he is playing, at least, bad back and all. King James had 33 points, 7 rebounds, 8 assists, and no turnovers to lead his Cavaliers to a 104-83 win over the Nets. The game was close going into the fourth, with Cleveland leading 76-74, but New Jersey scored only nine points on 1-for-20 shooting and the Cavs ran away with it. Vince Carter - who led the Nets with 19 points - said: "It's tough when you're not hitting shots, not making layups and calls we felt we should have gotten, we weren't getting. It was a triple-threat negative." Well, hello, Mr. Fancy-pants. That's a pretty long-winded way to say, "We suck."

Playoff watch: Cleveland maintained a two-game lead over Washington for the East's fourth seed. As for the Nets, well, my calculator says they aren't mathematically eliminated yet, but my Ouiji board says, "I'll swallow your soooooul!" Um, that's probably not good.

Oh...it's my stomach. I haven't felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film. Another game, another ugly-ass loss for my Bullies. Dwight Howard — fat lip and all - had 30 points and 14 boards as the Magic clobbered Chicago 115-83. It was the team's 48th loss of the season, a fact that kind of bugs rookie Joakim Noah. "I feel like we're not really playing with a lot of pride and respect for the jersey in front of us. It's just hard because you can't point at anybody individually, it's just the togetherness of the team is bad." Oh, I dunno. I think you could probably point at Larry Hughes (3-for-8), Luol Deng (2-for-10), Tyrus Thomas (3-for-7), Andres Nocioni (3-for-10), Drew Gooden (who's not even playing because of an abdominal strain), Jim Boylan for losing control of the team from Day 1, John Paxson for assembling this group of misfits ... am I missing anybody?

Playoff watch: The Magic have the East's third seed all wrapped up. The Bulls? They wish.

LISTEN KID! I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes. He may not have quoted Airplane!, but Charlie Villanueva did his best best Kareem impression with 38 points and 12 rebounds. Unfortunately for the Bucks, Michael Redd couldn't pull off an Oscar Robertson and Milwaukee got gobbled up by the Raptors, 111-93. Chris Bosh led the dinos with 32 and 11, Anthony Parker chipped in 18 points, and Jose Calderon distributed 12 shiny dimes. But despite the win, Bosh was a teensy bit unhappy with the death-like calm of the home crowd. "It was quiet. Could you hear yourself talk?" Bosh asked reporters. "We're getting ready for the playoffs. I'm just saying I'm excited. I don't know if anybody else is excited, but I'm excited." You know, I'm starting to get the feeling that he's excited. But that might just be my imagination. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go talk to this pink elephant.

Playoff watch: Toronto is currently number seven in the East, one game behind Philadelphia and two and a half games ahead of Atlanta. Milwaukee? They're goin' fishin'. (Do Bucks eat fish?)

Do you know what it's like falling in the mud and getting kicked in the head? With an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does, that never happens. Sorry, Ted, skip that, it's a dumb question. Actually, Knicks fans would probably tell you that they know exactly what that feels like. It's called "The Isiah Thomas Era." But those fans have gotten a short reprieve, as New York's 109-107 victory over the Charlotte Bobcats was the team's third straight win. And that's a season high, folks. Said Isiah: "Finally the spirit of the team is good. The camaraderie of the team is good. I just think that they're a team now. A little late, but nonetheless." Hey, it only took you four years to make them a team. That's ... good ... I guess.

Playoff watch: Where are these teams goin'? Nowhere.

They bought their tickets. They knew what they were getting in to. I say, let 'em crash! It's been that kind of year for fans of the Minnesota Timberwolves, and their season of woe continued with a 122-90 choke-slam from the New Orleans Hornets. Chris Paul redeemed himself with a 19-point, 16-rebound night, and teammates Peja Stojakovic and David West added 24 and 22 points, respectively. Rashad McCants showed that he McCan by scoring 23 points for the Wolves, who have now lost six straight games and 59 of their last 78. Fun fact: Paul and Tyson Chandler hooked up on five alley-oops. In fact, they lead the league with 107 of those this season.

Playoff watch: The Hornets maintained their 1.5-game lead on the Lakers and Spurs for the top seed in the Western Conference. The Wolves? Heh.

Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don' wan' no help, chump don' git no help. Jive ass dude don' got no brains anyhow. The Rockets were without Tracy McGrady (resting for the playo...I mean, sore left shoulder), but they still had enough firepower to keelhaul the Sonics 103-80. Houston got 18 points from Rafer Alston and 48 points from their bench during their cruise to victory. Kevin Durant dropped in 26 for Seattle. Fun fact: The Rockets are 49-4 when they lead after three quarters. And when they dance with the devil in the pale moonlight.

Playoff watch: Houston maintained thier clammy grip on the fifth slot in the West, a half-game ahead of the Suns. Seattle ...h ell, they don't even know where they're going to be next season. The playoffs are the last thing on their minds.

Yeah, that was real. I bought this big-ass truck in Phoenix, and I was meeting my wife to get something to eat. I couldn't park it there, so I had to park way across the street, and you know it's hot as hell in Phoenix. So this kid wanted an autograph, and I told him, 'if you want an autograph you have to give me a ride,' so he gave me a ride across the street.

Shaq gave the kid his autograph and the kid paid him back with a ride. Then if the photo above is to believed, he and The Donger crossed the honeymoon threshold and consumated their relationship in the back of his Honda.

Shaq confirms to InsideHoops that he really did hitch a parking lot ride with a fan in a tiny Honda [Inside Hoops]

It's good news, bad news for the Phoenix Suns. Here's the good news: They overcame a 22-point second-quarter deficit to beat the Denver Nuggets 132-117, thereby tying the Lakers for the Pacific Division lead (although the Lakers have the tiebreaker) and pulling to within one game of the Hornets and Spurs for the top spot in the Western Conference. It was the third-best comeback in franchise history, and it helped them reach the 50-win mark for the fourth straight season. Now here's the bad news: Mike D'Antoni used only seven players (D.J. Strawberry's 36-second cameo doesn't count), and the Suns play again tonight in Denver for the second game of their back-to-back series with the Nuggets. Oh, and since the loss dropped the Nuggets from a seventh-place tie to the ninth spot in the conference standings (i.e., out of the playoffs), I'm guessing they're going to be very motivated and the Suns are going to be very tired...especially since Grant Hill is out with what the Suns' team report described as a "hidden groin problem." (Someone hid his groin? Those sick bastards.)

Amare Stoudemire paced the Suns with 41 points, 14 rebounds and several "M-V-P!" chants (from the crowd, not from Stoudemire, although that wouldn't surprise me). Steve Nash had 36 points and 8 assists, and Shaq had a triple-double of 20 points, 12 rebounds, and 10 chins. J.R. Smith led the Nuggets with 23 points and Allen Iverson had 21 points, 7 assists, and 6 turnovers.

Just when all seemed lost, the Mavericks got exactly what they needed. No, Dirk Nowitzki isn't back yet. I'm talking about a shot at the Los Angeles Clippers. And Dallas made the most of it, winning 93-86 to take sole possession of seventh place in the West, thanks to Denver's loss and the fact that the Golden State Warriors were at home chillin'. Not that you should bother to memorize the standings, because it's going to change completely by tomorrow night. Trust me on that. Also trust me on the fact that you look fat in that dress. And, frankly, what are you doing wearing a dress, dude?

Jason Kidd blew up for 27 points on 9-for-15 shooting - who knew? - and Josh Howard and Jason Terry added 25 and 20 points, respectively. The Clips got 26 points out of Al Thornton and another 23 out of Corey Maggette (who missed 11 of his first 12 shots...but kept shooting). Marcus Williams, however, accomplished nothing in his two seconds of playing time. And if you ask me, that's a pretty cruel April Fool's Day joke by coach Mike Dunleavey. "Okay, kid, you're in! Ha! Just kidding, get back to the end of the bench where you belong, suckah!" First-class superdickery.

What sound does a Wizard make when you crush it under your feet? Don't know? Just ask the Utah Jazz, who ground Team Washington into a bloody paste with a 129-87 ego-ectomy. No team in the league is as Jekyll and Hyde at home and on the road as the Jazz. Last night's 42-point home victory over a playoff-bound team came about 24 hours after a shameful road loss to the Minnesota Timberwolves. To complete the wacky turnaround, C.J. Miles - who averages 4.9 PPG - led all scorers with a career-high 29 points for the Jazz, who shot close to 60 percent, had 40 assists on 50 field goals, and outrebounded the Wiz by 17. The win gave them a 3.5-game lead over the Nuggets in the Northwest division and pulled them to within 2.5 games of the conference leaders.

Not to make any excuses, but Washington was playing the final game of a five-game Western Conference road trip without Caron Butler one night after losing an overtime duel with the Lakers. So, you know, they might have been slightly fatigued. Antawn Jamison led the losers with 22 points and Roger Mason scored 16 on 7-for-11 shooting.

Chris Bosh speaks. Ever since he returned from injury, Bosh has become a regular Chatty Cathy. He's talking on defense, he's talking on offense, he's even talking about talking during his postgame press conferences. "Sometimes I catch myself being quiet, but then I have to pick it back up and start talking again. I'm not a talker by nature. That's how I am naturally. So I know I have to step outside myself because I really like winning." Mr. "I don't like to talk" wasn't done. "If you call out a cross screen, guys are always looking to see where screens are coming and there are no surprises. They won't get stood up by a screen, that's how you get beat back door." Not...finished...yet. "If you talk, that makes the offense hesitate, too. If you say you're coming to double, the guy is going to wait on you a little bit, and that kind of stalls them. There are advantages all the way around." Okay, okay, stop talking Chris! Yeesh.

Bosh had 32 points and 8 boards to power the Raptors to a 104-100 win that snapped the Bobcats three-game winning streak. The win allowed the Raptors to maintain their three-taloned grip on the Eastern Conferences sixth seed. Which is good for them, since they'd really like to avoid facing the Pistons in the first round. Not-so-fun fact: Jose Calderon's voluntary benching isn't going well. For him, anyway. Last night he played 17 minutes, scoring 1 lonely point (0-for-2), dishing a single assist, and committing three personal fouls. Quite a dropoff from those halcyon "Jose should make the All-Star team" days.

The Hawks are circling. Atlanta built a 38-point third-quarter lead that drooped to 12 in the fourth before holding on for a 116-99 win. The victory gave the Hawks a solid three-game lead over the Nets and Pacers in the three-way slapfight for the East's final "get destroyed by Boston in the first round" playoff spot. Atlanta had six players in double-figures, with Josh Smith (26), Joe Smith (19), and Al Horford-Smith (19) leading the charge. Rudy "I'm so" Gay - and by that I mean "happy the season's almost over" - was a big, bad bear with 29 points.

Jermaine's back...the Pacers are saved! Jermaine O'Neal returned after missing 33 straight games with a bruised knee to "lead" the Pacers to a 105-85 win over the Miami Heat Washington Generals. O'Neal finished with 9 points, 2 rebounds, and a blocked shot after a shaky 1-turnover, 1-foul start. The re-addition of O'Neal adds a whole new dimension to the Pacers defense, that, of course, being the dimension in which there is a Pacers defense. Unfortunately, it's probably too little, too late for Indiana, who would be hard-pressed to overcome Atlanta in the race to be first-round hors dourves. Although they haven't given up hope. Said Danny Granger: "We watch, we play, and we pray Atlanta loses." Forget the prayers, Danny. If history has proven anything, it's that God hates the Pacers.

Unfortunately, the commenters over at Media Take Out appear to be a little down on the gal. Most of the insults are directed toward her allegedly "dark, weed-smoking lips" which are very unbecoming of a woman wrapped in Shaq's gargantuan embrace. One MTO troller offered this little home remedy tip, so that the next time this lady hits the town, she'll be much more camera-ready:

she mos def needs some vitimin e oil for those lips. ancient secret for my other bud smokers. vitimin e oil with keep yo lips nice, pink and soft.

It appears what Tide is to Chinese laundry detergent, Vitamin E is to "dark, weed-smoking lips."
Pics: Shaq spotted with his new girlfriend [Media Take Out]

Image courtesy of Sportaphile.com

Johnson is already facing a few thorny issues. First, his commitment to urban renewal apparently does not extend to the properties he owns (as Will wrote back in October). Johnson apologized after The Sacramento Bee ran a story about Kynship Development, a for-profit company owned by Johnson. Nearly half of Kynship's 37 properties have been cited for health code violations over the past decade, and we're not talking about minor stuff.

For months, the remains of animals — sheep and goats that neighbors suspect were dumped by someone butchering them for meat — have turned up with gut-churning frequency on the empty weed patch. Neglected lots attract problems, especially in lower-income areas. On the 33rd Street parcel, the animal remains molder alongside garbage, discarded construction materials and jagged bike parts as children play nearby. Kynship Development also owns two rental homes nearby. One has had sewage bubbling up in the backyard and waste backing up in the washing machine, while the other is infested with mice, according to tenants and a city report.

But more potentially damaging are old allegations of Johnson's inappropriate behavior with a teenage girl 10 years ago in Phoenix, for which he was ultimately never prosecuted.

The alleged sexual contacts, Turley wrote, had occurred in the summer of '95, when Kim was 16 and Johnson was 29. He quoted Kim Adams extensively in his demand letter, including this account: "He [Johnson] said I could sleep in his room or the guesthouse and I chose the guesthouse. . . . We got into the bed and he took all of my clothes off and all of his but his shirt. He was on top of me touching me all over—my breasts, butt, in between my legs, and stomach. Then he took off his shirt. I didn't really know what to do—I was very confused because I thought we were friends, but I didn't know what else to do than to go along with it. . . . He told me to pinky-promise not to say anything and when I asked why, he said I knew why."

The Maricopa County Attorney's Office declined to prosecute Johnson, saying the case did not meet the agency's threshold of "reasonable likelihood of conviction." Hey, I have nothing against the guy. But this is politics in the Eliot Spitzer/Mark Foley Era, and stories like this are red meat. KJ may have a future in politics, but I wouldn't bet on him here.

The Summer Of '95 [Phoenix New Times]
Investigative Report: Neglect Taints A Star's Legacy [Sacramento Bee]
Kevin Johnson Has Little Use For Your Meat [Deadspin]

If you're considering giving a lift to an NBA center and concerned that your two-door coup might be a smidgen smallish, take heart from this story from a guy and his girlfriend who were able to transport Shaq to a restaurant in Scottsdale.

Hey, I was at Scottsdale Fashion Square today and ran into Shaq. I was with my girlfriend and we were driving to the mall when i saw Shaq's enormous black truck. We followed him into an office complex and asked to take a picture with him. He said we could as long as I gave him a ride. So after taking pics he hopped in the car and I drove him to the Grand Lux. Pretty sweet.

He actually wanted a ride. He couldn't park his huge truck near the restaurant so he parked a 1/2 mile away and was gonna walk but asked me for a ride instead.

I'm sure Yao Ming has a bigger rice burner, but then he probably shouldn't be driving right about now.

• The trade worked! It worked! Holy cow, the trade worked! The Cleveland Cavaliers introduced their four new players last night - Ben Wallace, Wally Szczerbiak, Joe Smith and Delonte West - and the result was a 109-89 win over the Washington Generals Memphis Grizzlies. After the game, LeBron James, who led the Cavs with 25 points and 11 assists, was irrationally excited. With an emphasis on the "irrationally" part. "It was good to see all those guys play well," James said. "It was exciting to be on the floor with them." One can only assume that Bron Bron was either exaggerating or, uhm, exaggerating? I mean, I remember him pleading for Danny Ferry to go get Jason Kidd, but I don't recall seeing names like "Wallace" and "Szczerbiak" on his mid-season wish list. But whatever. Wallace had a season-high 12 points and also shot what I'm guessing is a season-high 50 percent from the foul line (2-for-4) to go along with 10 rebounds. Szczerbiak shot slightly better than Larry Hughes (4-for-10). West played like a vintage Eric Snow (5 points, 2-for-12 shooting). And Joe Smith was actually pretty good for an old dude (14 points, 6-for-8, 6 rebounds). Not a bad start, but I'm going to go ahead and reserve judgement until the Cavs play somebody other than the Griz.

• Turn that frown upside down, Boston! After falling behind 32-16 at the end of the first quarter, it looked like the Celtics were headed to a fourth straight embarrassing loss on their West Coast road trip. But then Paul Pierce tapped into his inner Will Smith and said, "Aw, hell no!" The Truth went rat-a-tat-tat on his way to 30 points, 7 rebounds, and 5 assists in the Celtics' 112-102 win over the Portland Trail Blazers. "Last game, the way I played was one of my top-five worst games of my career," said Pierce, who probably needs to head over to basketball-reference.com and check his old game logs before making crazy statements like that. "I wanted to come out and focus better, and shots were there and I was able to knock them down." He knocked them down, all right (12-for-14), and so did the rest of the Celtics (58 percent shooting as a team). The Blazers? Not so much. But that might be because All-Star Brandon Roy left the game after the third quarter because he aggravated a right ankle sprain.

• Yep, that's why they traded for him. It looks like Jason Kidd has more or less adjusted to his new team. Kidd dished out a season-high 17 assists as the Mavericks notched a 99-83 win over the Washington Generals Minnesota Timberwolves. I'm telling you, Kidd is like spandex: He can make any ass look a little bit better. Case in point, Kidd hit Erick Dampier with a couple snazzy touch-passes inside, including one while he was falling out of bounds that led to a Dampier dunk. Man, I didn't even know Dampier could dunk anymore. Kidd's presence is also making life a lot easier on Dirk Nowitzki, who scored a game-high 29 points on 10-for-15 shooting. But before y'all down in Texas get too excited, remember that they were only playing the Timberwolves. Let's not classify them as world beaters just yet.

• Whatcha gonna do when Andrea Bargnani runs wild on you?! Lose by 23 points, apparently, if you're the Knicks. The Italian Stallion beat Team Dysfunction like a side of raw beef by scoring 25 points and hitting a career-high five three-pointers. "I tried to be more aggressive from the beginning," said Bargnani. Fun fact: 100 percent of all NBA victories are accomplished by being "more aggressive." That's science. On the other end of the spectrum, Zach Randolph played, well, more like Andrea Bargnani usually plays by scoring only 7 points on 2-for-13 shooting. "It's frustrating," Randolph said. "I couldn't buy a shot today." Fun fact number two: A "twin towers" composed of two soft, defenseless seven-footers looks much better on paper than it does in action.

• Surprisingly enough, Larry Hughes was not the answer. Not against the Rockets, anyway, who beat the Bulls 110-97. Houston won their 12th straight game - and the 16th of their last 17 - behind Tracy McGrady's 24 points and 8 assists. Chicago kept the game close through three quarters, but honestly, did you really expect them to bring Houston's rocketship back down to earth? Ben Gordon sure didn't. "We've got new guys in and there wasn't much chemistry," said Gordon, who had 5 points on 2-for-11 shooting. "Of course, we had old guys in and there wasn't much chemistry then, either. Oh man, we are so screwed."

• When a blowout just isn't enough. Kobe Bryant is a fiery competitor who only wants to win...by 100. With his Lakers clinging desperately to a 31-point lead, Black Mamba flipped out after not getting a call while fighting for an offensive rebound. Referee Brian Forte hit Bryant with a technical and then ran away as fast as humanly possible - for an NBA official, anyway. But much like serial killer Jason Voorhees, Kobe stalked downcourt to unleash a little more righteous indignation, which amazingly enough didn't convince Forte to change the original call or the first technical. Crazy, huh? Nope, it was technical foul number two and an early trip to the showers for the Kobester. Even without their leader, the Lakers managed to hold on for a dramatic 111-91 win over the 15-win Seattle SuperSonics. Phil Jackson, of course, couldn't resist making a totally lame jab at the the official. "I told [Kobe], 'You shouldn't jump on junior. His dad might carry a grudge against you,'" Jackson said, referring to veteran official Joe Forte, Brian's father. Note that Deadspin is in no way responsible if Jackson's little witticism caused your funny bone to blow the hell up. Mickael Gelabale, whose name is composed of eight consonants and seven vowels, led Seattle with 21 points.

• He's simply the best...better than all the rest. It was a hell of a lot harder than it probably should have been, but the Mavericks finally got their man, and now they can go to war with one of the best point guards in the game. The bad news for them, last night anyway, was that they had to face the team with the best point guard in the game. Chris Paul totally disrespected his elder with 31 points, 11 assists, and a career-high 9 steals. Kidd, on the other hand, ended up with 8 points, 6 rebounds, 5 assists, 6 turnovers, and a concession that Paul totally kicked his ass. "I caused a couple of breakdowns. I have some bad habits. I just have to make some adjustments and look at the game." Dirk Nowitzki led the Mavs with 31 points and 8 rebounds, but poor ball movement continued to plague Dallas despite the addition of Kidd; they had only 13 assists and committed 17 turnovers. Things should get better after Kidd gets a few practices under his belt. And, of course, when he doesn't have to go head-to-head with Chris Paul.

• The "Fire Isiah" campaign hits the road. Isiah Thomas can't escape that chant. He hears it at Madison Square Garden, he hears it on the streets of New York, and he probably even hears it in his dreams. And last night, near the end of the Knicks' 40-point road loss to the 76ers, he heard it in Philadelphia. Isiah, how did this make you feel? "We've had our good moments and we've had our share of bad moments." Okay, then. Well, how are you going to turn things around? "We've got to keep working. All we can do is keep working." But coach, you've been "working" for years. Why hasn't anything changed? "My guy's minds were elsewhere." Right. You know what? I can't even make fun of Isiah anymore. He's reached Dead Man Walking status. So on the flipside, Philly shot 57 percent from the field, 50 percent from the Land of Three, and forced 23 turnovers in their 124-84 win. Willie Green led six Sixers in double figures with 21 points.

• Superman: Pwned! If Dwight Howard is the league's new Superman, then Chris Bosh must be Lex Luthor, and he smacked his nemesis upside the head with a roll of Kryptonite quarters last night. Bosh scored 40 points on 14-for-16 shooting - most of which were up in Howard's face - and Jose Calderon added 19 points and 13 assists as the Raptors hit 58 percent of their shots to blast the Magic 127-11o. Howard had 37 points and 15 rebounds, but Orlando coach Stan Van Gundy said Bosh "destroyed" him. "Chris Bosh, we could not guard," said Van Gundy. "We're going to have to think about double-teaming him next time." Hey, that's not a bad idea. There's a reason he's the head coach!

• Psssst...somebody's glad that J-Kidd is gone. Being Jason Kidd's backup is kind of like being a poisonous midget trainer in a circus that doesn't have any poisonous midgets. In other words, it would take a series of cosmic coincidences for you to be able to do your job. But as soon as Kidd redeemed his "Get Out Of Jersey Free" card, Marcus Williams was ready to take on the world, starting with the Chicago Bulls. Williams scored a season-high 25 points and made a key steal in overtime to help the Nets improve to 1-0 in the Post-Jason Kidd Era with a 110-102 win over the Bulls. "If felt good to go out there and not have to look over your shoulder after every mistake you make," Williams said. "With Jason there, you make a mistake and you probably come out. You know now that the coaches and your teammates have confidence in you...basically because they have no other choice." Richard Jefferson finished with 24 points, and Vince Carter showed what he can do when he actually gives a crap by scoring a season-high 33 before leaving with 6.6 seconds left in overtime due to a vagina hamstring cramp. Joe Smith led the Bulls with 17 points and 9 rebounds.

• This just in: The MVP race is officially over. According to Cleveland coach Mike Brown anyway. "LeBron...what can I say? He's the MVP. He's the MVP this year. I don't care how many games are left or what not. This guy is terrific. He just does everything on the floor." Brown this submitted photographic evidence of James scoring, rebounding, passing, balancing Donyell Marshall's checkbook, advising Barack Obama on his presidential campaign and composing a Shakespearean sonnet in perfect iambic pentameter. "Why, he even makes a mean quiche," said Brown, rubbing his belly. "I know it sounds gay, but seriously, you have to try it." King James left the quiche at home, but he served up a steaming plate of whupass in the form of his second consecutive triple double - 31 points, 14 rebounds, and 12 assists - as the Cavaliers beat the Pacers 106-97. Larry Hughes added 19 points, and the knobby-headed Zydrunas Ilgauskas had 14 points and 17 rebounds. Danny Granger led the Pacers with 30 points, 8 rebounds, and a big bushel of sour grapes. "This was another game we should have won," Granger said. "We choked and made bad plays at the end. They hit shots when they needed to. We didn't." Well, sounds like Danny finally figured out what it means to be a Pacer.

• Okay. It's time to clean house. Getting blown out by the Magic at home was bad enough, but their 103-98 loss to the Bucks just proves that the Pistons need to blow things up and rebuild. Can you cut an entire starting five? And if so, would they be able to sign with a contender before the end of the season? Tell Chauncy Billups that Cleveland needs a point guard, and let 'Sheed know that Phoenix could use a defensive-minded big man.

• The Celtics must have caught Nuggetitis in Denver. Because they got into a defenseless shootout for the second straight night, and - surprise! - lost 119-117 to the Golden State Warriors. Baron Davis scored 29 points and hit a 20-foot jumper with 0.3 seconds left to secure the win. Jesus Shuttlesworth showed he got game by leading the C's with 32 points, and Kevin Garnett added 17 points and 15 rebounds in his second game back from a pulled tummy muscle. But the Golden Staters got 26 points from Monta Ellis and another 21 points and 13 rebounds out of Andris Biedrins to outduel the league's best team (record-wise, anyway).

• You won't like him when he's upset. Shaq is straight-up pissed that 71 percent of "people in America" think the Suns committed franchise suicide by trading for The Big Geritol. "You just don't really want to get me upset. When I'm upset, I'm known to do certain things - like kill." Shaq then paused for dramatic effect and said, "Let me put it this way: Have you seen Shawn Bradley lately? Didn't think so." Meanwhile, Phoenix Suns team physician Dr. Thomas Carter said he was "pleasantly shocked" at The Diesel's physical condition. "Because, seriously, I'd heard he was dead," said Carter. "And when I checked the standings and saw the Heat only had nine wins, well, I just assumed the worst."

• Dwyane Wade Suicide Watch, Game 2. Counting last night's 101-84 defeat by Philadelphia, Miami has lost six straight games and 21 of its last 22. And Dwyane Wade is really depressed about it. "I don't look at the standings," Wade said. "I know we are at the bottom." He then shook a bottle in his hand and muttered something about taking "the whole bottle." When somebody pointed out the bottle was just a container of Tic Tacs, Wade said, "What, these won't kill me? Noooooo!" Pookie had 19 points and 9 assists in the loss. Andre Iguodala had 25 for the Sixers, and Andre Miller added 21 points and 7 assists.

• Cavaliers prepare to sign ballboy, homeless man. It's bad enough that Lebron's teammates suck have "limited talent." Right now, three of them aren't even playing. Missing are Sasha Pavlovic (sprained left foot), Anderson Varejao (sprained left ankle), and Drew Gooden (strained right groin). For those of you who enjoy first grade math, that's three! Three starters injured! Ah, ah, ah! Anyway, the depleted Cavs never really stood a chance against the Rockets, who dominated the boards (17 offensive rebounds) and won 92-77. Tracy McGrady was limited to 8 points due to flu-like symptoms - yeah, right - but Rafer Alston had the Rockets' back with 17 points and 9 assists, and Yao muscled his way to 22 and 12. King James had 32 points, 7 rebounds, 6 assists, and, of course, not nearly enough help.

• CSI: Chicago. Early Wednesday morning, Chicago-area police officers discovered Chris Duhon's game wandering lost and alone in a local forest preserve. Duhon's game, which has been missing most of the season, was malnourished and suffering from exposure, but otherwise unharmed. Duhon and his game were reunited shortly before tipoff last night, and they celebrated by scoring a career-high 34 points (11-for-16) and dishing out 9 assists in the Bulls' 114-108 victory over the Golden State Warriors. The venerable (translation: "freaking old") Joe Smith added 27 points (7-for-11) and 8 rebounds. Meanwhile, Chris Webber looked old and rusty - what, you expected otherwise? - in his second debut for the Warriors (4 points, 2-for-5 shooting, 1 rebound, 2 assists). Golden State got 25 out of Monta Ellis, 22 out of Baron Davis, 20 out of Al Harrington, and defense out of nobody. Nobody at all.

It's probably not a good sign when your local paper labels the potential trade, "Shaq To Suns? Is This A Joke?" Ignoring the fact that Shaq would seem the exactly wrong fit for the running Suns; Shaq is expensive and, more to the point. old. Suns blog The Bright Side Of The Sun says, "I can't imagine why the Suns wouldn't either take their best shot with the guys they have, or else try to find a better fit for the system. Change is good, but unless I'm seriously missing something, this change seems just plain nuts!." It's almost sad seeing a gregarious legend like Shaq considered such an albatross, but such are NBA contracts.

ESPN's Chris Broussard got on the phone and tried to dig up some justification for the deal. He gave it his all.

Basketball-wise, the Suns believe the positives are this:
1. Shaq will give them the big, physical presence they sorely lack on both ends of the floor.
2. Shaq will enable Amare Stoudemire to play his true and preferred position of power forward, which will make Amare more effective, possibly increasing his scoring and rebounding numbers.
3. Steve Nash will make Shaq a bigger scorer than he currently is in Miami because of his ability to create easy baskets for the big fella. Plus, the Suns' 3-point shooting ability will open things up for Shaq inside.
4. The Suns can still run with Shaq because you don't need all five players sprinting upcourt to run a fastbreak.

Hmm. This deal still hasn't officially gone through, though supposedly Shaq's in Phoenix for a physical. We still won't quite believe it until we see it.

The Shaq Deal: Some Reasons Why [ESPN]
Change Is Good....Except When It Isn't [The Bright Side Of The Sun]
Why Shaq To Suns Makes Sense [Hell Yes, Guy]

• Three-Pointers You Can Believe In. Steve Nash increased investments in infrastructure, energy independence and education in the first half; brought the troops home from Iraq in the third quarter; and scored 15 of his season-high 37 points in the fourth to lead the Suns past the Bucks 114-105. All in all, not a bad Tuesday. Grant Hill returned to the Suns' starting lineup, less than two weeks after undergoing an appendectomy. He had eight points in 27 minutes.

• Back Together Again. Forget Obama, the Sacramento Kings are definitely voting Hillary. With their three stars healthy and starting for the first time, the Kings rolled to their most lopsided win of the season. Ron Artest scored 27 points, Kevin Martin added 19 and Mike Bibby scored all 15 of his in the first half to lead the suddenly spry Kings to their third straight victory, 128-94 over the Nets. New Jersey has now dropped six straight. I don't think Brooklyn wants them anymore. (Ed. Note: Some of us didn't want them in the first place.)

• I Like Big Dunks And I Cannot Lie. Lost amidst the madness of Monday's MLK matinees was the NBA's announcement of the players chosen to compete in this year's dunk contest at All-Star weekend. My bad. Your dunkees: sticker beast Dwight Howard, defending champ Gerald Green, Toronto's own Jamario Moon and Rudy Gay. Solid field. And new lil' wrinkle this year — after the final round of dunks, fans will be able to vote by text message or on NBA.com to help determine the winner. Yup. Vote 'Toine!

• Sergeant Mythical Water Beast. Did you realize military uniforms were considered "business casual" now? Yeah, I think it's the buttons. Or maybe it's the collar. I don't know. Whatever the reason, I can't wait to wear my Mountie threads into the office on Monday. Amare Stoudemire scored 34 points and grabbed 11 boards as the Suns marched back from a 20-point first-period deficit to beat the Sonics 104-96. The win was the Suns' 23rd of the season, the most in the Western Conference. Kevin Durant led Seattle with 28.

• You Can't Stop The Blazers, You Can Only Hope To Contain Them. Well, that, and maybe just tire 'em out a little bit. It's the small victories really. Mr. Jarrett Jack, Jack, Jack ... all dressed in black, bla— shit, the Blazers were in red. Scratch that. Jarrett Jack drove for a basket and converted a three-point play with 19 seconds left in double overtime as the Trail Blazers outlasted the Bulls 115-109 for their 15th win in 16 games. Brandon Roy and his bruised tailbone led the way with 25 points.

• Yes, Yes, We're Talkin' About It. An unpracticed Allen Iverson scored 29 points to lead the Nuggets past the Manu-less San Antonio Spurs 80-77. A.I. revealed post-game that the reason he had missed the Nuggets' workouts was because his 4-year-old son, Isaiah, fell face-first from a stool and required plastic surgery. Quick, Knicks fans! Get Zeke on a stool ASAP!

• Baron Davis' 2007 Movie Reviews. Two thumbs up: American Gangster, No Country for Old Men and Knocked Up. ("Everyone said to go see it. I was glad I did. Flat out funny and very real.") Thumbs down: The Number 23, Spider-Man 3 and Who's Your Caddy? ("I know a lot of people that cross over into different groups — i.e. the street or the country club. This just didn't measure up.") So true, man. So true.

• Tiny Revenge. After last season's heartbreaking (and Stern tainted) playoff loss to the Spurs, it was pretty obvious that the Suns could use some extra leadership. Enter Grant Hill. G-Money netted 22 points in his rivalry debut, including four big ones in the final minute, to push the Suns past the Spurs 100-95. The loss was San Antonio's first by the river walk this season. After being held Bowen-less scoreless in the first half, STEVEN J. NASH finished with 10 points, 10 assists and eight boards, to ruin Duncan's monster 36-point, 17-rebound night. Sean Marks finished with a DNP-CD in the win.

• Don't Stop. The last time the Blazers managed a winning month, Colin Powell was still serving under Bush, World of Warcraft was brand new and Ron Artest was running wild. (OK, so it was just November 2004. I tried my best to make it dramatic.) Brandon Roy led Portland to its eighth straight win with 24 points and eight assists as the Blazers swatted the visiting Hornets, 88-76. Martell Webster added 13, Steve Blake 12. "When you've won seven in a row you start to believe you can win every game," said Roy post-game. "That, and that The Hills is real."

• Be Like Mike Redux. The following takes place between 11:35 and 0:51 in the third quarter: Dunleavy running jump shot. Dunleavy running bank shot. Dunleavy layup. Dunleavy driving layup. Dunleavy free throws. Dunleavy reverse layup, plus one. Dunleavy driving layup. Dunleavy three. Dunleavy layup. And finally, two more Dunleavy free throws. Okay, now try and guess which team 'lil Dun hung a career-high 36 points on to beat 119-92. Here's a hint. Any guesses?

• A Picture's Worth About Thirty Words. The Armadillo Cowboy (Joe Johnson) scored 26 points, including 20 in the second half, as the Hawks — CAW! — ended a five-year, nine-game losing streak to the Jazz, 116-111. Put another, simpler way: the "umpires" controlled the game (92 attempted free throws); it was "raining" buckets (Hawks shot 57%); and Carlos Boozer was "ugly" good (season-high 39 points with 12 rebounds).

• Heat Wave, Turn The Heat Around, The Heat Is On ... I can keep going. Dwyane Wade scored 10 of his 31 in the final four minutes as the Heat ended their six-game road trip with a surprising 117-113 win over the Suns. "It's the best win for us this year," Miami coach Pat Riley said. "Hell, it might be our only win this year," he didn't add. Shaq looked especially spry, chipping in 18 points and 11 rebounds, and Dorell Wright had 16 as the Heat put six players in double figures and shot 59 percent. Man, if your team is struggling at all scoring, go play the Suns. They're like fuckin' Drāno for offenses.

• This Is Just A Drill. Josh Smith scored 25 points, grabbed 16 boards and banged nine ladies dancing as the Hawks — CAW! — evened their record to 10-10 with a 98-87 victory over the Magic. Yes, the Atlanta Hawks are playing .500 basketball in mid-December. [Pause for dramatic effect.] At this time I'd like to lead all Deadspinners to the designated safe places in a calm and orderly fashion. Everyone crouch low, head down, and protect the back of your head with your arms. Now!

• Streakin'. First of all, I would like to point out that I watched this entire contest. You owe me a cold beer and/or Guitar Hero III, NBA overlords. Willie Green scored 20 points, Andre Miller had 17 points and 12 assists and the Sixers — in sweet Barkleyesque threads — led by as many as 31 points in a 100-88 victory over the Rockets. Philadelphia has won three straight. Break 'em up or take 'em to an Indy nightclub or something.

• The New York Knicks Are Like A Piece Of Dog Shit. One minute you're happily strolling through the par— actually, let's just leave it at that. The New York Knicks are like a piece of dog shit. Dirk Nowitzki scored a season-high 36 points, leading the Mavericks past the Knicks 99-89. Josh Howard added 22 for Dallas, which shot 54 percent from the floor.

• LET'S PUT IT ALL IN IT'S PROPER PERSPECTIVE! AMARE STOUDEMIRE IS UNSTOPPABLE LIKE A STOP SIGN! HE IS ONE PART ANTON CHIGURH, ONE PART BLANKA, ONE PART ANCIENT NAMELESS WATER BEAST! AMARE SCORED 42 POINTS AND GRABBED 13 BOARDS TO LEAD THE SUNS TO A 121-117 VICTORY OVER THE PACERS. STEPHEN J. NASH HAD 18 POINTS AND 17 ASSISTS. IMPRESSIVE NUMBERS, WITHOUT QUESTION. BUT I ASK YOU THIS: WHAT IF STEVE NASH WERE BLACK? OH. NO. WOULD STEVE NASH NOT JUST BE A POOR MAN'S TYRUS EDNEY? WOULD HE NOT!? LET ME ANSWER THAT FOR YOU: I THINK SO!

• I'M NOT PERPLEXED BY THIS HAWKS TEAM! THEY LOOK LIKE THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DOIN' RIGHT NOW. IT'S REALLY THAT SIMPLE TO ME. HERE THEY ARE LOSING 106-95 TO THE PISTONS! AND TO THAT I SAY, WHERE IS THE SUPER YOUTH, COACH WOODSON? WHERE!? I DON'T SEE IT! HAWKS GUARD SALIM STOUDAMIRE HAD 15 POINTS, ALL IN THE FOURTH. SO WHY ISN'T HE PLAYING MORE? WHY!? YOU EXTRAPOLATE THOSE NUMBERS OVER THE ENTIRE COURSE OF THE GAME AND SALIM STOUDAMIRE IS DROPPING 60 POINTS PER GAME! 60! EASY! I'M SAYING IF YOU GONNA MAKE A STATEMENT, MAKE A STATEMENT, COACH WOODSON. YOU DON'T WANT TO PLAY HIM? THEN CUT HIM LOOSE! SALIM STOUDAMIRE CAN GO WIN LEAGUE MVP SOMEWHERE ELSE!

• KNOW YOUR ROOTS! WE GOTS TO GET SOME REAL BALL TALK UP IN HERE! SO LISTEN, JOHN SALMONS SCORED 13 STRAIGHT IMMEDIATELY AFTER KEVIN MARTIN WENT DOWN WITH A STRAINED GROIN, LEADING THE KINGS TO A 117-107 VICTORY OVER THE JAZZ. BALL. TALK. NOW, MORE IMPORTANTLY, UTAH JAZZ: YOU DON'T NEED TO BE LYING TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC. YOU PLAY IN UTAH, SURE. BUT YOU FROM NEW ORLEANS, OK? SO DON'T ACT LIKE YOU FROM UTAH. YOU PRETEND YOU FROM UTAH, BUT YOU ORIGINALLY FROM N'AWLINS. IT'S JUST THAT SIMPLE!

• QUITE FRANKLY, THEY BLOW! I'M SORRY. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS GAME. I DO! I WANT TO ANALYZE KOBE'S SICK 20 POINTS AND BREAK DOWN THE X'S AND O'S. HOWEVA! IT IS A COMPLETE WASTE OF MY TIME TO BE TALKING ABOUT THE MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES RIGHT NOW. A COMPLETE A WASTE OF TIME! THEY'RE HORRIBLE! ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE! LOSING BY 21 TO THE L.A. LAKERS? PLEASE! SOMEBODY WAKE ME WHEN THE WOLVES GET KEVEN GARNETT BACK. UNTIL THEN, I HAVE BLOGS TO PISS ON IN MY DREAMS!

___________________________________________________________________
Sent by my Blackberry Wireless Handheld

• Mr. Sun. Grant Hill scored a season-high 28 points, including nine big ones in the fourth that broke open a close game, to lead the Suns past the Knicks 115-104. The 35-year-old Hill shot 13-of-17, grabbed eight boards and handed out seven Nashes. It was his highest scoring game since early '05.

And in terribly sad news: Stephon Marbury's father, Don, died during the game last night. Don Marbury Sr. was rushed by ambulance from MSG to a local hospital with chest pains. He died a short time later.

• God Bless Him, Every One! In an effort to create a more life-like A Christmas Carol, Tim Duncan intentionally got caught up in some Portland limbs and fell to the floor clutching his knee. He never returned and will undergo an MRI exam later today. "It looked bad at first," said Tony Parker, who scored 27 points and handed out eight assists in the Spurs 100-79 win. "But man, he's going to nail that Tiny Tim role with real crutches this year."

• In The Beginning Was The Baby, And It Was Delicious. Jason Maxiell, eater of babies, had 18 points and 11 rebounds to lead the Pistons over the Nets 118-95. Maxiell was 6-for-10 from the earth and blocked three shots. Vince Carter, back in the starting lineup, led New Jersey with 22 points. Apparently his whisker box has healed.

• That's Hawt. Captain Stephen Jackson and first mate Al Harrington scored 20 points apiece as the Warriors cruised past the Sonics 109-96 for their sixth straight win. The game was delayed about 15 minutes in the first quarter when arena officials noticed a small fire coming from the bottom of the scoreboard. Thankfully, Sonics center (and part-time firefighter) Johan Petro was finally put to use, extinguishing the flames from the floor with his 7-foot-plus wingspan. He also saved a lost kitten in the 300-level.

Today: Steve Nash. Your author is Brown Recluse, Esq. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

Michael Jordan has ruined basketball for an entire generation.

For evidence, look no further than Kobe Bean Bryant. Not the current imbroglio with the Lakers, which is the sort of thing Michael kept largely out of public view, but the walk, the turnaround jumper and, most important, the obsessive need to be the best. Jordan's competitive nature is now celebrated so widely that holding a petty grudge, such as Arenas' pledge to score 50 on the Blazers, is acknowledged as a sign of immaturity, but also interpreted as a sign of potential greatness. It's what Jordan would have done. Jordan's hegemony over the league has meant that there is only one way for a player to be competitive. Crush. Kill. Destroy. In fact, anyone not possessing such a single-mindedness is seen as deficient, even weak.

Steve Nash offers up a different path. Much has been made of Nash's "Canadian reticence," but you best believe that he wants to win as badly as anyone who has ever played this game, including His Airness. It's just that Nash doesn't strive to beat his opponent; he wants to beat the game. A recent article in Play, a publication whose name belies the seriousness with which professional athletes are supposed to approach their sport, relates a story about Nash figuring out that passing the ball out using only one hand was three-tenths of a second faster than doing it with two. That's indicative of Nash's obsessive focus and drive to win, a mind in constant motion, just as he is with the rock in his hands. Nash sees basketball as a puzzle, not as a contest.

In the same article, the author mentions a series of games of H-O-R-S-E between Nash and Leandro Barbosa that ended in a tie. It's a safe bet that Michael Jordan has never tied at anything in his life.

All of this is not to say that Nash steps on the court and sees chess pieces. He is a human being, after all. And the king he most wants to checkmate isn't the one wearing a crown and being carried around on a throne. He's the one wearing the rings. Four of them, to be exact. As much as the Suns are cast as the anti-Spurs—"fun and gun" to the Spurs "right way"—the player in the league most like Steve Nash is Tim Duncan. They share a cerebral approach to the game and a certain off-court inscrutability. I have no idea what Duncan feels about the war or how much he paid to download "In Rainbows," but I'd be willing to wager that if he and Nash were stuck in an airport together, they'd discover that they have a thing or two in common.

You can also be certain that Nash hasn't forgotten about the bloody nose, being checked into the bench by Robert Horry or having to play one of the most important games of his life two men down. Nash isn't out to hurt anyone or make them look bad, but if the uniforms of the losing team next spring happen to be silver and black, I think he might take an extra amount of pleasure in that.

The media has already determined that if Nash can't win it all this year, he might not ever get the chance again. Nash will be 34 years old by the time the playoffs roll around, Marion's still doing the Jan Brady and Amare's knee could give out again. But the reality is that Marion's been saying the same shit for two seasons now, with little effect on his play on the court, and Amare is a superhuman who cannot be judged by the standards we use for mere mortals. He made first team all-NBA while still testing his knee out and, if recent reports are accurate, is poised to completely blow minds in 2007-08.

As for our hero Nash, he simply does not follow the typical trajectory of an NBA player (peak at 28, rapid decline after age 33 or so) because he is not a typical NBA player. He doesn't rely on run-and-jump athleticism or quickness, but rather unmatched skill and conditioning. Despite a wonky back, Nash is in possibly the best shape of his life right now, and it's unlikely that his court vision or jumper is going to be leaving him any time soon.

In the end, the main reason that Nash's championship window is not in danger of closing is that he doesn't even think in those terms. In that regard, he is completely dissimilar from his good pal Dirk, who looked painfully aware of exactly of what was happening to him, but was powerless to stop it.

Anyway, here's what Kevin Johnson is doing: He's filling bags with animal remains and dumping them along discarded construction materials in Sacramento.

For months, the remains of animals — sheep and goats that neighbors suspect were dumped by someone butchering them for meat — have turned up with gut-churning frequency on the empty weed patch.

Johnson's for-profit company, Kynship Development, also owns two rental homes nearby. One has had sewage bubbling up in the backyard and waste backing up in the washing machine, while the other is infested with mice, according to tenants and a city report.

Locals say that almost every piece of land owned by Johnson has had similar problems. We're not sure what the heck he's doing with all those sheep and goats; maybe the newest sports scandal will be goatfighting.

Neglect Taints A Star's Legacy [Sacramento Bee]

Apparently, they have corn in Arizona.

"It's bizarre I don't really know what to make of it. It's just pretty cool," Nash said.

Our favorite are the former honorees: Jay Leno, Oprah Winfrey, Larry King and Luis Gonzalez. Heady company, Steve!

Children Of The Corn Starring Steve Nash [100 Percent Injury Rate]

If you love fast-paced, up-and-down, uptempo basketball, I hope you have a DVR ... because if you're craving anything of that ilk, you might have to watch the conference finals at about 4 times the normal speed.

San Antonio finished off the Suns last night, and were rather convincing about it. The big question, of course, is this: Did the suspensions of Boris Diaw and Amare Stoudamire make the difference in the series?

I'm not sure, but here's what we do know: It was over in 6. The Suns lost Game 1 at home. The closeout game was a convincing Spurs victory. And the Suns lost by fewer points without Diaw and Stoudemire in Game 5 than they did in Game 6 with them. Still, it's impossible to know such things. I imagine that Suns fans have a different take on it.

Oh, and Cleveland won their series, too. The Cavs MVPs were LeBron with 23 points, 8 assists, and 8 rebounds, Donyell Marshall with 6 3-pointers off the bench, and Vince Carter with 11.

Perhaps conveniently for the NBA, there's very little turnaround time between this series and San Antonio's next series, the Western Conference Finals against Utah. That gets underway on Sunday at 3:30, with Detroit vs. Cleveland set for Monday night.

(AP Photo/Eric Gay)

In a way, it's fortunate for the NBA that the game is on a Friday; if the Suns do lose, it will be lost in the weekend shuffle, and by Monday, we'll all have moved on to the next round. Game 7 will be Sunday afternoon, if it happens. Suns backers still like their chances.

Oh, and the Cavs-Nets are on again tonight. Watch at your own peril.

Phoenix Suns Vs. San Antonio Spurs: Game 6 [Bright Side Of The Sun]

• The Bright Side Of The Sun: "I'm proud of the way the Suns played this game. They could have just given in and they didn't. They played their hearts out and were a 3 point shot away from winning it. They got 5 more shots than the Spurs. They shot the exact same percentage - 40.3%. They only missed 1 free throw. They won the rebound game. They won the assist game. Unfortunately, they had 2 more turnovers and that was what killed them. I wonder what David Stern is thinking right now. I know he was scheduled to come to Phoenix for this game but canceled because he was afraid for his life. And he should have been."

• Taking It To The Rack: "By the end of last night's game in Phoenix, it didn't matter who was active or suspended. What mattered was that the Suns had controlled play for close to 45 minutes on their home floor...and all they had to show for it was a loss that put them on the brink of elimination as they head to San Antonio for Game 6. Who you are is irrelevant in that type of situation; this is a loss that would be a major blow to anyone. ">

• The Painted Area: "Must say, this series ain't too shabby. Game 5 played out very similar to Game 4 where one team seemed to have firm control of the game but couldn't close the deal. The one key difference between Game 4 & 5— the Spurs got to play the spoiler tonite instead. It looked like the Spurs came out very tentative in the 1st half, and seemed like they almost felt guilty that the Suns were short-handed, and they looked confused at what the Suns were doing—the Spurs only scored 33 ots in the 1st half (a season low). But after halftime, it looked like they shook off the early game rust & reticence."

• Five Tool Tool: "In a decision that seems sure to spark a national controversy, ESPN and TNT have announced a joint plan to euthanize the NBA Playoffs."

But what happened, as you saw, was the Suns playing their hearts out, squeezing every last bit out ... but falling just short because, well, because they only had six players because two of their players were gone because David Stern made a terrible decision that he very well might never live down. (Seriously, we can't think of a time that Stern has taken more justified heat that this; we're not sure he quite realizes yet, actually, how this prominent a part of his epitaph this decision will be if San Antonio wins this series.) The Suns lost because Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw weren't there. They would have won otherwise. It is impossible to argue otherwise.

The details of the game almost seem irrelevant at this point, which, of course, is exactly the problem. And Stern canceled his plans to be in Phoenix last night, choosing the Cleveland-New Jersey game instead. Wise, probably, and again, something that he still doesn't realize is gonna end up on that epitaph.

Stern's Nightmare Becomes Reality [100 Percent Injury Rate]
Proud To Be Me [Free Darko]

The guy from Spurs blog Pounding The Rock had it exactly right this morning: The worst part about Amare Stoudemire's (and Boris Diaw's) suspension tonight is that it immediately makes the whole game illegitimate. If the Spurs win, it won't feel like they earned it, and they've instantly become the bad guys. The only way anyone takes any real joy out of tonight's game is if the Suns win, and that's not particularly fair to the Spurs, who, other than Bruce Bowen, are not inherently unlikable.

We aren't quite ready to go as far as his solution, however: Bench Tim Duncan.

The NBA wants a ridiculous, small ball game? Let's give it to them. Their star big is out, our star big is out. Their 3rd best big is out? Our 3rd best big is out. Fair game, fair fight. Let's just play midget ball for 48 mins. It would shut up every critic, it would shut up their taunting fans, it would blow away the broadcasters. No matter what they say about us, they can't can't call us cheaters and they can't say we're not classy. It would send a message to the world and to the Suns that we didn't want the Amare/Diaw suspensions to happen. It wasn't our idea.

You don't think all of the Suns momentum would be sucked right out of that building? Nobody would know what to think. It would totally fuck with the Suns minds and all their intensity and focus would be gone in a flash. Whatever desire the refs might have had to screw us would be forgetten and they'd be impressed with our chutzpah and our principles. I don't know if we'd win or lose, but either way we'd make our point.

Well, yeah, we suppose, though watching the Suns play the Jazz in the next round might temper some of that self-congratulatory principle. We admire the idea, though. Regardless, they're gonna play anyway, and you can probably expect to see Duncan.

Oh, and that Cavs-Nets series is tonight, too, still plodding along.

(Getty Images photo)

(UPDATE: We couldn't agree with a lot of you commenters more, by the way: Bill Simmons' column on this is particularly excellent.)