Here is the actual broadcast transcript of an interview that aired this morning on D.C. Fox affiliate WTTG:

For nearly two decades now, Sports Illustrated has stirred the tea leaves to discern a weekly Sign of the Apocalypse. Deadspin salutes the magazine's ongoing effort to head off the end of times, but declines to quietly cede to SI the scoop on the biggest event in world history.

We've previously alerted you to the greatness of Andrew McCutchen, and last night he made us swoon once again. Even though his team lost 3-0 in the opening game of a series against the Cincinnati Reds, McCutchen gave us the highlight of the game when he took an Aroldis Chapman fireball square on the arm, and then…

Notorious international criminal Captain Jack Sparrow is in, of all places, Minneapolis today, and while his favorite team may be Pittsburgh's Bucs it appears he has a soft spot for American League ball as well—proving that even terrorism, grand theft, and murder need a day off. It leads us to ask some questions about …

Pat Croce has worn many hats: physical therapist, entrepreneur, owner and president of the Philadelphia 76ers, motivational speaker, Jim Croce hanger-on, philanthropist, and, of late, "pirate aficionado."

Piracy is real, y'all. East Africa? Hornet's nest. Caribbean? Same deal. But the North Shore of Boston might be the worst of the bunch. Here are the obnoxious news ledes mocking this terribly serious crime:

Zac Sunderland is a 17-year-old California beach bum with shoulder-length locks and fears of conformity. So he's Jimmy Clausen, except he sailed around the world by himself. Winning in Touchdown Jesus' shadow? Try navigating away from pirates, dude.

A bunch of goofballs dressed as pirates dared golfers at the Scottish Open to hit their water-borne target—so Colin Montgomerie took them out his wedge and nailed it. (From about 60 yards away.) Lousy pirates.... [Daily Mail/Sports Rubbish]

KSK spotlights this Le Batard column detailing the silver-haired coach's quest to live life like a Jimmy Buffet song. Pirate party next week at JJ's! [KSK]

"Pirates' manager John Russell skipped the tour saying he'd rather visit when he has a World Series ring on his finger." [KDKA]