Game 5's aura hung over Mellon Arena. The Penguins had snatched victory, $6 champagne, and the Stanley Cup away from Detroit. Would this young team continue to shock the hockey world? Or would Detroit hunker down and play the style of hockey that led them to this point?

Detroit started the game inauspiciously enough. Petr Sykora attempted to get the Pens on the board early when Niklas Kronwall accidentally backhanded a weak pass directly at the Czech forward. However, unlike Game 5, Sykora did not guarantee anything to Pierre McGuire, so Chris Osgood trapped the puck between his legs. Three minutes later, with the Red Wings on the power play, Henrik Zetterberg found Brian Rafalski, whose wrist shot deflected off Hal Gill and past Marc-Andre Fleury. Detroit complicated their early lead by taking two minor penalties 27 seconds apart, but the foursome of Zetterberg, Lidstrom, Kronwall, and Osgood allowed only two shots during this period.

The second period brought more open ice than the first, but the Red Wings still controlled the game's tempo. More important, Fleury's fivehole weakness came to light. With 8:05 remaining, the Pittsburgh netminder stopped a sharp-angle slapper from Mikael Samuelsson, leaving a big rebound. Valtteri Filppula's backhanded swat at the rebound did not leave the ice, but found its way in between Fleury's pads and into the net, giving Detroit a 2-0. Mellon Arena remained stunned until Evgeni Malkin scored his first goal of the series on a power play to reduce the deficit to one again.

When the third period started, Fleury, the player who saved the Pens' tails in Game 5, needed to show that same poise and concentration that necessitated a sixth game; Detroit's suffocating trap yielded few chances for a sustained attack. Unfortunately for Pittsburgh, he could not maintain that level of play. Zetterberg, the most dangerous man in the playoffs, skated one-on-four into the Penguins zone before ripping a wrist shot that Fleury slowed down before it passed through his legs and stopped inches short of the net. From the main angle, the puck appeared to be under Fleury, but the referee behind the net saw that the puck was not covered. Fleury, also not aware of the puck's location, instinctively fell backwards. Instead, he knocked the puck into his own net before a defenseman could sweep it under his back, and Zetterberg scored his 13th of the playoffs.

Most Red Wings fans believed that a two goal lead would be insurmountable at this point, as Detroit had allowed only three shots through 17 minutes, but how quickly they forgot the series' previous game. After Jiri Hudler's hooking penalty with 1:47 remaining, Pittsburgh pulled Fleury. Twenty seconds later, Marian Hossa niftily deflected Sergei Gonchar's wrist shot past Osgood. Pittsburgh still had life, but they needed another goal. Detroit let the Penguins enter their zone again but cleared the puck with eight seconds remaining. Sidney Crosby, silent until this point, let go one last backhanded shot that Osgood could not control completely, leaving a rebound to Marian Hossa, but the Pens' trade deadline acquisition could not release a shot before the horn sounded.

Detroit rushed to their goalie Osgood, a man who had returned to Detroit having failed in his previous ventures elsewhere. He started as a backup this postseason, and although he did not win the Conn Smythe Trophy (Zetterberg did, tallying 13 goals, 14 assists and penalty kill ice time during two 5-on-3's), he proved that he was not just a lucky goaltender with a great defense.

On the other side, Marian Hossa, an unrestricted free agent, slumped to the ice. Will he return to the Penguins? And what of Ryan Malone and Brooks Orpik, two other key cogs to the Penguins playoff run? Ray Shero will have a tough decision on who to keep.

Finally, to lighten the atmosphere, Gary Bettman appeared to hand out some hardware. After Zetterberg claimed the Conn Smythe Trophy, Lidstrom, the first European captain to win a Stanley Cup, skated over to the diminutive commissioner. After posing for his photo with Bettman, he returned to his team with hardware in hand and handed the Cup to Dallas Drake, the 16-year veteran who played in over one thousand games without reaching the Stanley Cup Finals. Drake signed a one-year deal last year, looking for one last championship opportunity. Although his struggle was not a media sensation like that of Ray Bourque, it was refreshing to see him glide over the ice, holding his dream above his head.

So ends another hockey season. Will Detroit succeed where other teams have failed and win consecutive Stanley Cups? They return with many of their major parts intact. Lidstrom, Zetterberg, Datsyuk, Holmstrom, Franzen, Osgood, and many others are signed through at least next year. Or will another team usurp them? We at MYFO cannot wait for September to come.

The five of us would like to thank Deadspin for the opportunity to provide you with myopic hockey analysis and supererogatory sophomoric humor and female body parts for the past two months (I'm most proud of giving the sobriquet "Sphincters" to San Jose's team). Even though the postseason is over, the NHL Entry Draft is June 20-21, and training camps start soon afterward. So, if you're looking for the best objective hockey analysis, stay far, far away from the hyperlink at the top of the page. However, if you're looking for a place to make fun of Steven Stamkos' hair, do peruse our fair site.

Supposedly, Babe Ruth pointed to the center field bleachers at Wrigley Field before hitting a home run on the very next pitch. What little proof we have of that event actually taking place is based on a grainy photograph and some old men who swear that it happened. This dubious evidence leads me to believe that the whole event never happened. On the other hand, I know that Petr Sykora said that he'd win the game for Pittsburgh, then he buried a power play goal in the third overtime to give the Penguins a 4-3 win.

Pittsburgh started the game in an inauspicious manner by committing back-to-back penalties. Brooks Orpik hooked Valteri Filppula 2:06 into the first period, but Detroit only managed two Nicklas Lidstrom blue-line slap shots. Nine seconds after Orpik was released, Therrien sent six players onto the ice, resulting in another Red Wings power play. Nevertheless, no damage was sustained, as Detroit committed a penalty of its own one minute later.

From that moment forward, the visiting Pens dominated the rest of the period. Tomas Holmstrom's neutral zone turnover led to Pascal "Don't Call Me Pascual, Ed Olczyk" Dupuis's entry into the Wings' zone. Marian Hossa's first shot attempt hit Chris Osgood's right shoulder, but Dupuis gathered the puck along the right wing boards, passed to Sidney Crosby behind the net, who found Hossa open in between the face-off circles. Hossa's wrist shot over Osgood's blocker put the Pens up 1-0.

Six minutes later, Adam Hall scored another fluke goal. After shaking free of Johan Franzen behind the net, he centered the puck, hoping for a Penguin teammate to shoot it. Instead, Niklas Kronwall picked off the pass. The Swedish defenseman, possessed by the spirit of Nicklas Backstrom, accidentally roofed the puck over Osgood's shoulder. All signs pointed to a dominant performance by the Penguins and a sure trip back to the Civic Arena.

Ahh, how twenty minutes of screaming and fortitude questioning can change everything. Detroit responded to whatever Mike Babcock said by playing the smothering, omnipresent trap that for which they're known. Two minutes into the second period, Kirk Maltby stopped Rob Scuderi's clearing attempt at the Pittsburgh blue line, passed to Darren Helm along the left wing boards, who let go a shot. Scuderi dove to block the shot, but he did not deflect the shot back to its target. Instead, he redirected the puck perfectly in between Marc-Andre Fleury's legs, resulting in a goal for the Wings.

Although no other goals were scored in the second period, the increased tempo resulted in multiple consecutive rushes by both teams. Multiple odd man rushes by both teams forced Osgood and Fleury to make outstanding saves after one goalie's team failed to score on the opposite end, including Fleury's acrobatic left toe save on a Detroit two-on-one with just under three minutes remaining in the second period. Immediately afterward, Sergei Gonchar, Pittsburgh's power play quarterback, crashed headfirst into the boards. He was not seen for the remainder of the period. Ryan Malone was also forced to the dressing room after a Hal Gill shot hit him in his broken nose.

The third period saw the return of Malone and Gonchar to the Pens' bench, but their presence mattered little to the Red Wings. Zetterberg and Datsyuk worked their magic on the power play, with the Swede's slap pass to the Russian, who tapped it in between Fleury's pads to tie the game. Three minutes later, Detroit took the lead on a Brian Rafalski snap shot off a Gonchar turnover. Rather than sink into a passive trap, Detroit continued to punish Pittsburgh once the former took the lead. Only Fleury's flailing limbs kept the score 3-2. After the final commercial break in the third period, NBC cut to Mike Bolt's livelihood, the Stanley Cup, being pulled out of its case.

A simple person would consider the previous act a jinx on the events that follow. I say that Detroit softened too quickly and could not handle Pittsburgh's adrenaline rush. Fleury skated to the bench with under two minutes to go in the third period. With 48 seconds remaining, Evgeni Malkin, who had been lost for the entire game, dumped the puck past Detroit's four men along the blue line. Franzen controlled, but lost the puck to Crosby along the right boards. He passed to Hossa in the right corner, who flung the puck at the net. Osgood left a juicy rebound for Max Talbot, whose second attempt tied the game and silenced the Joe Louis Arena. A late flurry of shots by the Red Wings was unable to end the game.

Detroit dominated the tempo during the first overtime, forcing Fleury to stop 13 shots, many which were not directly at the skating penguin on his chest. MAF stopped consecutive Kirk Maltby wrist shots on a Detroit odd man rush, a Datsyuk shot from the slot and Filppula's rebound, and a backhand off Zetterberg's stick. The Pens were granted a brief reprieve when Zetterberg was called for goaltender interference, but Pittsburgh was unable to capitalize on the referees' gift. A second overtime would be needed.

Pittsburgh played much better in the second overtime, outshooting Detroit eight to seven. They received another gift when Dan Cleary was called on another questionable goaltender interference call. However, Osgood and his teammates shut down the ensuing power play, including a nice turnaround slap shot by Malkin. Fleury still had the tougher saves, including a flashy glove save on Cleary that saved Pittsburgh's goose again. Sykora claimed that he would score the game-winning goal around this time, but before he was the hero, he hooked Niklas Kronwall in the Red Wings' zone with a little over two minutes remaining in the overtime. Thankfully, the Pens shut down the power play with few problems.

Nine minutes into the third overtime, the referees called a fair penalty on Detroit. Jiri Hudler, in an attempt to steal the puck from Rob Scuderi, clipped the Pittsburgh defenseman on the chin and drew blood, setting up a four minute power play. Gonchar, who had not played since his third period gaffe, returned to play the point. He set up Sykora for a one timer from outside the right face-off dot that traveled well wide of Osgood, but the puck hit the referee and came to Malkin, who passed to a streaking Sykora and the game was over.

Those of us who watched the entire ordeal may have feared the indifferent alarm clock this morning, but our memories of this game will last longer than that pounding headache. Both teams scratched and clawed their way back from deficits, and the third period caused headaches for fans on both sides. Best of all, we get to watch at least one more playoff hockey game.

Linkdump

An interview with Sidney Crosby and yesterday's hero. [Kukla's Korner]

Is Ron Wilson coaching the Leafs next year? [ San Jose Mercury News]

Finally, the Knob Hockey guys are at it again. I loved Tomas Holmstrom and Marc-Andre Fleury as those annoying twins in Ocean's Eleven!

Then he got tossed. Security guards threw him out.

"You're outta here," Smith said they told him. "Come back in and you get arrested."

But Smith and his two friends from metro Detroit, who asked not to be identified, had a plan.

They had bought an extra ticket in anticipation of his booting. That's an extra $300 from a scalper.

And Smith was wearing a regular T-shirt, instead of Red Wings gear, when he threw the octopus.

Outside, he quickly threw on a Red Wings sweater and walked back into Gate 3.

"I feel great," Smith said as he roamed around the arena. "I'm not nervous. Anything with an adrenaline rush, I love it."

Yeah! Paying a high premium to a scalper! EXTREME!

You gotta love how chickenshit his friends are not to get identified in the article. "Oh d-d-d-dear. We helped smuggle a fan back into an arena in a city we don't live in. If this gets out, we'll never be able to run for president!"

If the Stanley Cup Finals were played out in the Star Trek: TNG Universe, one could say that Sidney Crosby, for the first time in the series, finally proved that his commission as Captain of the USS Penguin was fitting as he scored the first two goals in an incredibly entertaining 3-2 Pittsburgh victory over the visiting Detroit Red Wings.

The entire Q Continuum (NBC, Gary Bettman and the NHL) were very pleased with the outcome of last night's game. In support of Captain Crosby, Marian Hossa (2 assists) played the role of Commander William T. Riker and Adam Hall (goal) was Lieutenant Commander Data in this completely tired nerdy analogy.

The Penguins finally solved the newly-discovered ladykiller that is Chris Osgood late in the first period as Crosby scored the first goal for Pittsburgh in the series. The loyal fans in the Igloo rejoiced. And they were all wearing white, except for these douchenozzles. Crazy!

Sid the Kid put the Pens up 2-0 2:34 into the second period when Marian Hossa fired a shot which Osgood could not control and Crosby was there to bury the rebound home. Crosby pumped his fist and bedlam ensued.

Alas, Detroit wasn't about to quit so easily and they rediscovered their game in the latter half of the second period. Johan Franzen, shaking out the cobwebs resulting from recurring headaches, cut the score in half at the 14:48 mark. The score remained 2-1 Pens as the second period closed out.

The third period would be the most entertaining period thus far in the series, as the squads got physical, finishing every check and going after every loose puck. Osgood was a bit shaky at the outset, but held on. Unfortunately, he was finally beat after Gary Roberts worked hard to get the puck deep, and Adam Hall bounced a shot off Osgood's leg for a 3-1 Pittsburgh lead 7:18 into the third.

Of course, Detroit kept up the pressure as Tomas Holmstrom clanked one of the post. Mikael Samuelsson scored on Marc-Andre Fleury with 6:23 left in the game and things quickly became very interesting. Fortunately for the Penguins, they held on and ensured they would not be swept. Final Score: 3-2.

For the first time in three games, Marc-Andre Fleury outplayed Chris Osgood, making 32 saves and winning for the 19th straight time at the Igloo. Game 4 will be Saturday night on NBC.

Perhaps we will be fortunate enough to once again have Alexander Ovechkin appear during an intermission as he did last night. Much to the chagrin of the studio crew, Unfrozen Caveman Hockey Player refused to pick a winner in the Finals, even when pressed, which is more than you can say for the outfit he chose to wear. Eurotrash has never looked so…poorly kept?

Puckdumps

* Hockey Blogfather Greg Wyshynski purchased Chris Pronger's Hockey-Reference.com page and held a contest to see what slogan would be used. Check out the Final Five slogans and vote. Yours truly sponsored Derek Boogaard's page, you wanna fight about it? [Puck Daddy]

* I have no idea what they will have up when the NHL Closer is posted, but I'm sure it will be entertaining and terrifying all at the same time. [The Pensblog]

And finally, Steve Carell playing hockey. How could that be a bad thing?

This next game would not be a lackluster affair full of neutral zone traps and pre-lockout hockey. Major changes were planned for Game 2 for both teams. Johan Franzen, who scored twelve goals in eleven games for Detroit before being sidelined with concussion-like symptoms, shook the remaining cobwebs from his head and returned to the lineup. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh, looking for a sparkplug to add confidence to the young team, inserted fourth-line winger / assistant captain / human deity Gary Roberts into the fold. On top of this bold move, Michel Therrien mixed his lines to create the required offensive synergy. Ryan Malone was bumped up to Crosby's line, Max Talbot stopped waiting tables to free up space for Malkin, and Pascal Dupuis was dropped to the checking line. Surely this shakeup would generate offense for Pittsburgh and action for viewers.

Instead, Game 1 replayed itself. Detroit enveloped Pittsburgh in every facet of the game, winning the game 3-0 and jumping out to a 2-0 lead in the series. The Wings quickly scored two goals in the first period. Mark Stuart tallied the first 6:55 on a slap shot from the right point that newly-embattled goalie Marc-Andre Fleury could not control. The puck hit the top of Fleury's right pad, then continued its forward momentum into the net. Four minutes later, Tomas Holmstrom, like he always does, capitalized on the hard work of more talented players by tapping in a Zetterberg shot that squeaked through Fleury's five-hole.

After the initial onslaught, Detroit clogged the neutral zone, daring Pittsburgh to find a way through. This was a slow, painful process that resulted in tens of hopeful dumps and fruitless chases for both teams. The Pens garnered two power play opportunities through the first two periods, but could not dent Detroit's defense. Passing and shooting lanes closed before any Penguin could put a shot on Chris Osgood.

The third period brought controversy and insurance goals. During a Pens power play, Malone skated across the front of the Wings' net and grazed Osgood, who tumbled so quickly that Dominik Hasek stopped admiring his reflection and applauded. Malone was sent to the box for goaltender interference. During the ensuing four-on-four, Valtteri Filppula deked Kris Letang out of his skates, swept across the front of the Pens' net and slid the puck behind a stationary Fleury. With a secure 3-0 lead, there should have been no tomfoolery from Detroit's bench. However, the flopping was far from over.

Franzen, perhaps not wanting to be upstaged by Osgood, pulled a Cristiano Ronaldo special of his own a few minutes after Filppula's goal. After dumping the puck into the Penguins zone, Franzen stood at the offensive blue line. Roberts, doing what any player would do, pushed the Red Wing forward. Two seconds later, Franzen collapsed in a heap and required medical attention. After the television break, he was miraculously cured! Praise modern medicine!

Osgood, in turn, one-upped Franzen. With 1:15 remaining in the game and no chance for a Penguins comeback, Osgood pulled a Madame Butterfly and died when Petr Sykora lightly grazed him. Soon afterward, Brooks Orpik tangled with Andreas Lilja, Franzen (still cured!) pounded Malkin, and Roberts lost a quick battle with Pavel Datsyuk. Pens fans, your hero lost to a Lady Byng finalist. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Game 3 is Wednesday at Mellon Arena.

Puckdump

Will Zdeno Chara consider his life incomplete when he sees the leopard on Kilimanjaro? [Puck Daddy ]

Dave Nonis' last words … as a Canucks employee. [Orland Kurtenblog]

This angle, for which I am ever thankful the morning after, is not the greatest; CBC's camera had a better view, combined with two men sitting on the ice a couple feet away wearing Red Wings apparel, laughing their octopi-molesting asses off. At first I thought those two seedy Michiganders had something to do with it, but then again I'm ready to blame the locals at any given point in history.

And it's certainly not the best penguin fall of all time:

Detroit won 4-0, thanks to Mikael Samuelsson's two-goals and Chris Osgood's blocking-the-puck-with-his-stick-and-body skills. A local TV station used the caption subhead "OZ-GOOD." Still trying to figure out where the pun is. Or maybe it's supposed to be funny because it's misspelled. Levity!

And that Cup will go to either the Detroit Red Wings or the Pittsburgh Penguins, who start Game 1 of the Cup Finals tonight. The Deadspin NHL Closer foremen at Melt Your Face-Off will be live blogging the games this weekend, and I guess Versus hooked them up with some free shit to give away. Access, favor, and discretion my white butt.

Meanwhile, the Pittsburgh media is carving out Photoshops for the occasion, with Detroit MS Painters retaliating in kind, as you can see above with my favorite.

As I've said in the past, I never really latched onto an NHL team because growing up the Detroit Reddish Wings were 17 different flavors of awesome, and I couldn't jump onto the Wings bandwagon, which was the only successful model vehicle coming out of Detroit at the time. And I'm not about to go rooting for the Columbus Blue Jackets, because Toledo will be getting a minor league team of their own soon, even though they won't be known as the Peckerheads. But I'm sure if I wasn't a pseudo-Michigander I'd basically despise the Icy Red Machine, and my two-time BGSU title-winning intramural curling team was named the Flying Penguins, so here's to a Pittsburgh champeenship.

Stanley Cup Finals! Liveblogs! Contests! Free Stuff! [MYFO]
More Wings Fans Top Posters [Detroit Free Press]

Last Rites have now been read over the Philadelphia Flyers season, on account of the 6-0 flogging they received by the Pittsburgh Penguins.

The Flyers came out sloppy and tight and it didn't take long for Sidney Christ and his flock to vanquish the sinners of the East back from whence they came. Marc-Andre Fleury was solid if not spectacular in net, and in his benevolence he stopped all 21 shots that came his way for his third shutout in the playoffs. The Penguins have now completed their pilgrimage to the Stanley Cup Finals, the first time since 1992.

Ryan Malone got the ass-whipping started with a power play goal a mere 2:30 into the first period when a Crosby pass redirected off his skate and went past Martin Biron. Malone added another goal and chipped in an assist as well. Crosby had two assists, Jordan Staal and Evgeni Malkin each scored a goal and Marian Hossa had a goal and three assists. Even Pascal Dupuis, Hossa's teammate from Atlanta who also came to Pittsburgh in the move at the trading deadline, got in on the scoring in the third period to put Pittsburgh up 6-0.

It was clear early on that the Flyers stood no chance against the high-flying Penguins, and the fact that they played sloppily in their own defensive zone, mishandling the puck time after time, certainly did not help. Rubber was rolling off sticks with the same frequency I imagine occurred in Sean Kemp's bedroom pre-coitus in the '90's.

Down 2-0 in the second period, the Flyers appeared to have a great opportunity to cut the deficit in half, when Hal Gill and Evgeni Malkin both took roughing minors along with the Flyer R.J. Umberger, resulting in a power play for Philadelphia. Unfortunately, Kimmo Timonen, who surprisingly returned to the lineup after a quick recovery from a blood clot in his lower left leg, took a tripping penalty only six seconds into the power play.

Jeff Carter took another tripping penalty two minutes later, giving the Penguins a power play of their own. To be honest, I haven't seen so much tripping since an old Deadhead roommate of mine found a half-sheet of blotter. Ryan Malone scored seconds into the subsequent power play and the rout was on.

Pittsburgh will now wait and see who will be their opponent in the Finals. If it is Dallas, they will begin their quest for Lord Stanley's Cup at Mellon Arena, where Pittsburgh is now 8-0 during their dominating playoff run. If it ends up as Detroit, which it should, they will have to start out on the road. Given they are 12-2 overall, starting off at Joe Louis Arena will not be a cause for intimidation.

And lastly, to all of you Flyers fans out there, keep your heads held high. Your squad had a helluva run and for that, you should be proud.

Puckdumps

*Going Five Hole breaks down what the plan was for Saturday's Red Wings/Stars game on NBC if it ran over into coverage of the Preakness. I understand that if the game would have run short, Dee Mirch was on hand to narrate PETA's protests via nonsensical poetry. Affirmed. [Going Five Hole]

* Barry Melrose as the next coach of the San Jose Sharks? Fear the Mullet, California. Fear it! [Barry Melrose Rocks]

* Toronto Maple Leaf Bryan McCabe had a barbecue and Loser Domi has the recap. All I can say is that kookiness ensued. [The Wonderful World of Loser Domi]

* Wysh has a story on how one die-hard Penguins fan showed his support for the team via his prosthetic leg. No word on whether or not "Come On Eileen" by Dexys Midnight Runners is his favorite karaoke tune -– but it would be cool if it were. [Puck Daddy]

"My head is spinning," John said later. "This week has just been incredible and now this. It was like someone dropped me off at the wrong party. I felt like one of the kings of the city for a few minutes with those guys. I really can't think of experiencing anything better than this, except maybe going to Rome or meeting God for the first time."

And then, to prove that he's really from Pennsylvania:

As John Challis was standing between Mr. Lemieux and Mr. Rooney, he looked at them and said, "Wow. I never thought I'd be talking with two owners of sports teams in the city." "There's only one missing," Mr. Lemieux said, referring to the Pirates. John quickly replied, "Yeah, but at least the two winners are here."

John has done radio interviews with Scott Van Pelt on ESPN and Dan Patrick on Fox, and has been invited to games by the Boston Red Sox and Florida Marlins. And Roethlisberger is going to try and get him a visit to a Steelers practice. Marlins pitcher Mark Hendrickson read his story and called the Post-Gazette to set up a meeting with John.

"I read the story [on the Internet] and it was so touching and inspiring," Mr. Hendrickson said. "The date he found out he had cancer [June 23, 2006] is my birthday. As an athlete, maybe we can do something for him and his family. But he could help a lot of people, too, with his attitude. We have a lot of young guys on our team who are wide-eyed. His story and being around him could be humbling and good for them."

Penguins Honor Beaver County Teenager With Cancer [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]
HS Baseball Cancer Battler Meets Mario And Big Ben [Sports by Brooks]
Perfect Game [Deadspin]

Sure, the Flyers eventually knuckled under to the Penguins' explosive attack after getting up early, but they're clearly just setting up the Pens like they did to the Caps and the Habs. Philly has lost the opener in each of its three series this postseason. The Pens have even gone as far as to crib the Canadiens defacing of the Rocky statue. just leave that Barkley statue alone! Oof. It's all so eerily similar.

With Kimmo Timonen out for the series, the Flyers weren't able to impose the physicality they're going to need to keep Evgeni Malkin, Sid Crisby and Marian Hossa in check. Malkin picked up two goals in five minutes, including his first career short-handed goal, to break Philly's back. If only the Flyers can draw some inspiration from funereal chants to get going.

Last night also marked the debut of Canadia's most conservative dresser, Don Cherry, on ESPN's hockey coverage. All for naught, though, as he said the Flyers' play spoiled his hot pink finery. Thanks a lot, Flyers.

Suddenly Keyshawn Johnson looks downright dowdy.

Elitism: It's Lonely at the Top. But it's Comforting to Look Down Upon Everyone at the Bottom. Man, talk about crushing expectations. You're Sidney Crosby, and somewhere along the line an irreverent hockey blog dubs you "Hockey Jesus." It's not that the moniker isn't well-deserved. That doesn't scare you, as you lead the league in playoff points despite only playing nine games. You don't mind the holy press and the righteous comparisons. What scares you is the Truth, and it's not going to take a Dan Brown novel to let it leak.

It's true. God IS actually your dad.

All of your Father's Creation was designed solely so that you could win a Stanley Cup. In Heaven, somewhere in his massive study, he's got a mantle where he'd like to place all of his greatest achievements. You know what, Son? There's an empty space atop that flawless marble shelf, between the first Wheel and Pizza Bagels. Wouldn't a Stanley Cup look AWESOME right there? The Man froze both polar caps just so you'd have a pond to hone your skills upon. He promised Atlanta GM Don Waddell a free ticket to Heaven in exchange for Marian Hossa. He granted an Everlasting Life ticket to Sergei Gonchar, whose 83-year-old body is still playing an impressive 25 minutes per game. Sidney, you need to take it from here. You have two choices. Beat the Flyers, or prepare to die for all man's sins.

Ignorance: It's Amazing How Much Easier it is For a Team to Work Together When No One Has Any Idea Where They're Going. Enter the ESPN.com experts. It's a motley collection of SportsCenter anchors, mullets, pasty dot-com columnists and a dude named Amber. In the first round, only Barry Melrose picked the Flyers to knock off Washington. In Round 2, only John Buccigross voted for America to defeat Canada. Round 3? Six out of six casual sports media personalities agree: Stanley Cup Final tickets will be on sale in Pittsburgh in a few weeks.

Now Philly no doubt appreciates the back-handed compliment that it will be seven games before the Pens can dispatch of their cross-state rivals (Six games, Burnside? Fall on a skate blade, pal.) However, if John Stevens finds a way to make this bulletin board material (Derian Hatcher suggests stapling his laptop to the wall), there are a few factors that may cut the Second Coming short. Marty Biron has stolen games in each of the past two series. Kimmo Timonen has played with all the audacity of a premier blue liner, keeping the puck in the zone on power plays and shutting down the opposition's leading scorer. And Jeff Carter of all people, has seemed a step faster than just about everyone in these playoffs. At some point, that dam will break and the goals will flow. Oh, and R.J. Umberger sounds delicious.

The official MYFO pick is the Pittsburgh Penguins in 9.

Stick-tap to Despair for the graphics. [Despair]

Now, Pittsburgh Penguins supporters are also plotting to overtake the statue , but their dastardly deed has seemingly been foiled by Philadelphia's WIP morning radio.

It's silly little pissing matches like these that escalate into senseless violence. Just look at what happened to these poor souls who were reportedly Mets fans trying to defecate on the Liberty Bell.

Can't we all just get along?

Nefarious Penguin Plot afoot: WIP promises goon squad [Phawker]

Perhaps next time Jaromir Jagr should Czech his trash talking at the door (PUNTASTIC BURN!!!!) as the not quite Mario Lemieux-level Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin helped to erase a 3-0 Rangers lead to give the Pens a 1-0 series advantage. Jagr had a chance to tie in the waning moments, but clanged it off the goal post. Fellow former Pen Martin Straka got the scoring started, followed a slightly high deflection by Chris Drury and not at all detestable Sean Avery. Straka drew a critical interference call late in the 3rd period that set up the winning goal off Malkin's shin.

• Good Morrow, Sir. Brenden Morrow had two goals, including the game winner in OT to open the Stars series with the Sharks, who now lose home ice advantage after needing seven to take out Calgary. Morrow already has five goals in these playoffs, eclipsing by two his previous career high.
• John H. McConnell, 1923-2008. The majority owner of the Blue Jackets passed away yesterday, casting further uncertainty over the future of the franchise. The Blue Jackets had one of the best expansion seasons in league history in 2000, but failed to live up to the expectations the following year. McConnell was the rare owner to apologize to fans after not meeting expectations.

From Paul's First Letter To The Russians: So the Prophecy according to Bettman didn't come together exactly. The free will of the orange-clad mortal Joffrey Lupul in DC Tuesday night may have altered a few plans. The first of many playoff battles between the league two great young talents, Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin, just got pushed off until the next testament.

But what's the point of a good Christian fable when Hockey Jesus and his gym class rival lace them up for seven long games? Where's the damn intrigue? The hellfire and the damnation? In a battle of Good vs. Good, Good's probably going to pull it out, even if the victor may be a Geico caveman every now and then.

You want a good story? You're going to need Evil in the Conference Semis.

Enter the New York Rangers. Even though the Commish couldn't get a dream matchup of his two marquee stars, it never hurts to have the league's biggest TV market alive and well in Round 2. After dispatching the Devils in a quick 5, the Blueshirts have been waiting patiently to cast the first stones at Marc-Andre Fleury, the only unbeaten netminder of this postseason. The obvious storyline to gravitate towards would be that of Jaromir Jagr, who spent his early years winning games and avoiding barber shops in Steel Town. He's back to remind you yinzers where he came from. And to stay off his lawn.

But here's the crazy thing. While New York postseason stories are often about just one star player, this Ranger squad actually plays like a complete team. Other than Michal Rosival and Marc Staal, everyone's ice time stayed below 20 minutes in Round 1. And every player not on that dreadful fourth line put the plus in plus/minus. Coach Tom Renney saw his team dispatch New Jersey as a unit, making it easy to fill in the same lineup card each night.

OK, someone fire up the organ. Crank that hymn.

It's true that Ottawa didn't exactly bring their 'A' Game to Pennsylvania, but even if they had, the Pittsburgh Penguins were ready for them. When a team plays dominant hockey, when every battle in the corner comes up in their favor, the stars of the team tend to work on the little things. Hockey Jesus, for example, worked on his passing; his 6 assists have him tied for the league lead. Jordan Staal started winning face-offs once more. And Gary Roberts would like all his fellow members of the Class of 1984 Entry Draft that the reunion will be held at the Radisson in Murraysville once the playoffs are over.

Sure, this is all nice analysis. But you were saying something about a Holy War?

Oh, right. Sean Avery's a New York Ranger, and is the complete opposite of the salvation Crosby's offering to bring the hockey world. Here his is modeling his trademarked Punch Me in the Face Eyewear. Available at concourse fan stands everywhere, as well as NHL.com Shop.

Prediction: Penguins in 7, Avery with 23 PIM.

No. 2 San Jose Sharks (49-23-10, 108 Points; Imploded against the Wings in the second round) vs. No. 7 Calgary Flames (42-30-10, 94 Points; Punked out against Detroit in Round One last season)

There are a few reasons to advocate for a Calgary Flames upset of the San Jose Sharks. There's the epitome of class and underrated artistry that is Jarome Iginla. The potential for a violent Phaneuf'ing of a future playoff foe — Lord knows a few of the Ducks could use one. And, if 2004 is any indication, the more Calgary wins in the postseason, the less Flames Girls seem to wear. This is a good thing. Unfortunately, the Flames are playing the Sharks; and the Sharks and going to win the Stanley Cup.

Uh-oh! What, no spoiler warning? Sorry to kill the drama, but the Sharks have been our pick since the start of the season and there's no reason to take a dusty tumble off the bandwagon now. They've only gotten better, as indicated by that streak that saw them escape a regulation loss for the entire month of March. The addition of Brian Campbell at the trade deadline solidified this team's championship credentials, giving it not only a dependable defenseman but one whose mobility has activated the Sharks' offense. Oh, and his sick NHL '94-esque spin-o-rama goals don't hurt, either. The New York Times said Campbell "has been to the Sharks what Ringo Starr was to his new bandmates, the Beatles." Whatever the fuck that quasi-Buccigrossian nonsense means...maybe they're trying to tell us Campbell's never getting into the Hall of Fame as a solo artist.

But there are reasons for concern for San Jose. Like the fact that Joe Thornton is laid-back to the point of near-catatonia and scored one goal in 11 playoff games last year, giving him just nine in 57 career postseason contests. Like the fact that the Sharks went out like a bitch last season, with Coach Ron Wilson publicly placing captain Patrick Marleau under the driver's side tire for blown defensive assignments and general ineffectiveness. And because Calgary has taken three of four games from San Jose this season.

Key Match-Up for San Jose: Evgeni Nabokov vs. Miikka Kiprusoff. After coming into camp as tons-of-fun, Kipper has played well over the last two months and has a career 2.06 GAA in the postseason. Nabokov has also been good (2.17 GAA) in the playoffs; if Calgary is going to have a chance in this series, it needs a couple of clunkers from him.

Key Match-Up for Calgary: Ex-Sharks vs. Current Sharks. Owen Nolan, Wayne Primeau, center Mark Smith and especially Kiprusoff all previously played for San Jose. I believe it was Khan Noonien Singh who once said: "Ah, Kirk, my old friend, do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold? It is very cold...in spaaaaaace." Of course, there's simply no way Khan could have learned a Klingon proverb while stranded on Ceti Alpha V. (Sorts while laughing, pushes up glasses.)

Worst Case Scenario for San Jose: The Sharks lose inspirational leader Jeremy Roenick for the rest of the playoffs after he begins speaking in a TV interview following Game 1 and then never stops.

Worst Case Scenario for Calgary: Overcome by playoff intensity, Coach Mike Keenan seeks to motivate his team by impaling Kristian Huselius with his own stick.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Sharks in six. Could be one of those series where the Flames win Game 1, everyone gasps, and then San Jose lays the smack down the rest of the way.

Vital YouTubeage: They love them some Craig Conroy up in Calgary, to the point where they croon a sappy love song to him to the tune of "Moon River."

No. 2 Pittsburgh Penguins (47-27-8, 102 Points; Dominated by Ottawa in Round One) vs. No. 7 Ottawa Senators (43-31-8, 94 Points; Allowed a team named the Ducks to place its name on Lord Stanley's Chalice)

There's pregame motivation, and then there's just being stupid.

Herb Brooks's "Dehr time is done...dis is our time!" speech? Pregame motivation at its finest. Jacksonville Jaguars punter Chris Hanson slicing his right leg with an ax during Coach Jack Del Rio's "keep chopping wood" speech in 2003? Fucking idiotic.

The Ottawa Senators' preparations for their first-round series against Pittsburgh fall somewhere in between, but much closer to kicker self-amputation. Forget the new giant photo that hangs near the Ottawa dressing room, one that shows the two teams shaking hands after the Senators' 4-1 win last season; that Penguins team doesn't exist anymore. They're all grows up and they're all grows up and...

The real affront to common sense came when Senators coach Bryan Murray floated the idea that the Penguins intentionally lost their final game of the season to the Flyers because they wanted to play the Senators in the first round. "I knew what was going on. You guys all know — they wanted to play Ottawa," Murray said. "That's fine ... That was fairly obvious from the drop of the puck."

While it's true that Pittsburgh rested Sidney Crosby — who only missed 28 straight games and might like a breather before the playoffs — everyone else saw significant minutes, including starting goalie Marc-Andre Fleury. Can anyone really envision the Penguins preparing to play Game 1 of the Wales Conference Finals in front of a rabid crowd in Montreal, smiling wistfully that they put one over on Ottawa a month earlier?

Besides, we all know the Penguins never throw a hockey game unless it will earn them the No. 1 pick in the draft.

Key Match-Up for Pittsburgh: Time vs. the Knock-Out Punch. The Senators will begin this series missing Daniel Alfredsson, Mike Fisher and Chris Kelly. The longer it goes, the more likely it is they could return to the ice. Pittsburgh should Tyson/McNeely this thing, ASAP.

Key Match-Up for Ottawa: Crappy Goalies vs. Other Crappy Goalies. There isn't another team in the conference (outside of perhaps Philadelphia) whose situation between the pipes negates the nearly automatic disadvantage the Senators have in goal. Fleury was rather awful last season (3.77 GAA) in his first postseason action; Ty Conklin and the playoffs go together about as well as a blowtorch and a Sunoco station. Suddenly, Martin "Sieve" Gerber and that powder keg Ray Emery don't look so bad anymore.

Worst Case Scenario for Pittsburgh: Marian Hossa continues to be a postseason zilch, and Michel Therrien's inherent incompetence as a head coach is too much for the Penguins to overcome.

Worst Case Scenario for Ottawa: The rest of the team's key players get injured, and Ottawa is forced to draft Troy Mallette, Laurie Boschman and Lance Pitlick from the alumni squad to fill in the blanks.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Penguins in five. When the Canadian media is reduced to citing the fact that Ottawa is 3-0 against teams from Pennsylvania in the postseason, it's time to back up the truck.

Vital YouTubeage: Sabres fans offer a musical valentine to Dany Heatley's speed wagon. Stay classy, Buffalo...

Seeing Marian Hossa injure his knee during his first game with Pittsburgh might have sent Mario searching for his receipt from the Thrashers. Stopping just 10 of 13 shots, and watching Marc Andre-Fleury play well in relief, probably put ConkBlock's job as Penguin Messiah in jeopardy. But the only certain things in last night's 5-1 embarrassment in Boston: The Bruins are four points away from leading their division, and the guy they're calling the new Cam Neely laid a smackdown on Jarkko Ruutu that was both inspiring and symbolic. Video of the fight following the jump ...

But first, a little about this dude Milan Lucic. He's a 6-4, 220 rookie with 7 goals and 20 points this season. Before he had ever played a game for the B's, the Boston media had anointed him the second-coming of Cam following a performance in the junior championships in which he laid out more opponents than Jim Duggan in a Home Depot. Last night — playing with a broken nose, no less — he was at the end of his shift when Ruutu pested him with a crosscheck. And here's what happened next:







If you stuck with the fight through 2 minutes, you would have seen Lucic skate away and raise his arms to the crowd, Tie Domi-style...except Lucic has talent, leadership, potential and doesn't resemble one of Ram-Man's dingleberries. This fight, for me, captures the Bruins' season thus far: They've had injuries, they're underestimated, everyone's watching the Celtics instead and they're just generally pissed off about their lot in life — like the Harvey Pekar of hockey. And yet they're four away from Ottawa for the division lead, and three back of Montreal (with a game in hand) for the fifth seed. I like this team. And I love this Lucic; I watch a fight like that, and he's not Son of Sea Bass — he's a Puck Lion.

• I $%#!ing Hate Being Wrong. In print, in radio interviews and in random conversations, I've been telling everyone that Brad Richards is a bad fit in Dallas because he needs a talented winger to activate his offensive game and the Stars don't have enough of them. I believe at one point I said: "If Brett Hull can drop 30 pounds and 10 years, then yeah, it's a good trade for Dallas." So they stick him with Niklas Hagman in last night's 7-4 win over the Blackhawks. Richards: Five assists. Hagman: Hat-trick. Wyshynski: "Fucking shit balls." I'm not willing to denounce or reject my opinion that Richards is a $7.8 million square peg in a round hole for Dallas. But that was a Tarantino/"Reservoir Dogs"-level debut.

• And Ottawa Still Blows. The Gordie Howe Hat-Trick: a goal, an assist, and a fight. The Jason Spezza Hat-Trick: a goal, a stupid celebration, and a five-minute major for "butt-ending." Appropriate, I suppose, considering the Senators continue to play like ass. Even more bad news: The Flyers looked frighteningly like the Flyers again in the 3-1 win. Meanwhile, the Islanders win in OT in what Ted Nolan called a "classically bad hockey game" in Atlanta, Bryzgalov beats St. Louis more than Nelly and J-Kwon, and Kings fans believe calling up Dan Cloutier is a great way to increase their draft lottery chances.

• Howlin' Pelle Almqvist Alert! The Hives already have puckhead cred for ripping the joint at the start of this year's All-Star Game. But as Eric McErlain on FanHouse reports, they're now hockey delusional: Challenging NHL teams like the Vancouver Canucks to impromptu games. The following photo appears to feature (from left to right) Howlin' Pete, Kenickie from "Grease," Murray from "Flight of the Conchords," Jeff Cowan of the Canucks (I think), a lesbian, a local television reporter doing a live remote about hockey safety, the sexiest twins in the NHL and a retarded kid who somehow slipped his harness. Enjoy this round of everyone's favorite game show: "Swede or No Swede?" [h/t Pitchfork]

Puck Headlines

• As some of you may know, I have a little history with hockey rumorista Dwayne "Eklund" Klessel. Hockey Nutz took one for the team and calculated how much of his bullshit came to pass at the trade deadline, and came up with a sterling 3.5-percent rate of accuracy. Among that other 96.5-percent of utter failure? Denying Pittsburgh was in the mix for Hossa. Oopsie. [HockeyNutz]

• Russia to the NHL: "How Are You Gentlemen? All Your Russian Stars Are Belong To Us! Ha Ha Ha Ha." NHL To Russia: "We gave you Yashin. And you still want more?!" [NY Times]

• If you serve a jersey-shaped cake during a hockey game, is it like symbolically eating your own body? [All Hockey All the Time]

• Breaking News from KBCI News 2 in Boise: "Caldwell floor hockey team wins Special Olympics gold." Yes, there's a photo. [Local News Bots]

• Mercilessly mocking hockey yearbook pictures. "Kyle McLaren would like to tell you a bit about Slayer." [The KB]

• Finally, I'm not usually a two YouTube guy, but this one rockets you into the weekend with snarky euphoria. Don't even bother with the first minute of this video, which features hand-written title cards in Klingon or some shit. Just get to the 1-minute mark, and witness what I think we all picture in our minds when we hear: "Jaromir Jagr fan in socks and neon orange sandals, dancing to Duran Duran."

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I don't care if it's officially the Amp Winter Classic 2008, everyone from Buffalo's been calling this the Ice Bowl since August, except for when the NHL is suing them to stop. So it's the Ice Bowl. And I had been waiting months for it to finally arrive.

I flew into Buffalo with Ritch from American Hockey Fan. After the requisite dinner of pizza and wings, we met up with birthday boy 289, at his hotel downtown.

The hotel, and greater downtown Buffalo, was decked out in signs welcoming fans and media to the Ice Bowl. Buffalo was clearly doing its best, "Look at us, we're a big time city and worthy of your attention" act. Like when you're in sixth grade and your family is kind of poor, but you've invited all the coolest kids over for a party, so you do your best to hide all the clutter and make the threadbare furniture look nice and dance around the question of why there's a rusted car just sitting in the backyard. Right, guys? You all know what I'm talking about, right? Okay, just me.

Even though I grew up there, I wasn't thrilled with the prospect of spending New Year's in Buffalo, so I tried to get myself invited to some NHL parties. I figured that if the NHL was forcing their employees to spend New Year's Eve in Buffalo, they'd throw them a pretty great party. I was wrong.

My top secret network of NHL sources (one guy) told me there would be a small media reception hosted by the NHL at a bar downtown. It was mostly empty when we showed up.

We thought we might be at the wrong place, so I asked the bartender, "Is the NHL party here?" "I don't know," he said, "There are a lot of Penguins fans." He was right, there were about 60 or so Pens fans in the bar and someone must have told them it was a formal event because their dress code was Pittsburgh Black Tie: Steelers and Penguins jerseys and black jeans. It looked like Steely McBeam's wedding. (Take that, poorly named mascot!)

The Penguins fans felt the need to remind everyone who they were there to see by chanting "Let's Go Pens" every 10 minutes or so. Even the countdown to New Year's somehow turned into a goddamn Penguins chant. You'd think people from Pittsburgh wouldn't be so eager to announce it, but then again I'm from Buffalo and I advertise that fact like a John Mellencamp commercial, so what the hell do I know? At any rate, the Pens fans were a mostly friendly bunch, despite the fact the bar didn't serve Yuengling or Iron City Beer. Ritch, 289, and I had planned to make it an early night so we could get up in the morning, but once we met up with an NHL guy and started buying 289 birthday shots, those plans went out the window.

We made it home around 4 a.m., but not before Ritch found a hotel room party consisting of nine dudes and a bottle of whiskey and 289 worked his Shortsville, NY charms on an unsuspecting lady from Pittsburgh.

I woke up four hours later and called 289 at his hotel. "Rise and shine," I yelled into the phone. "It's Ice Bowl day!" We met 289 at his hotel and headed over to the stadium.

Not to get all literary-referencey on you, but if you've read Cormac McCarthy's "The Road," you have a good idea of what tailgating in the parking lots around The Ralph is like. Everything is cold and gray, the pavement is cracked and blistered, and there are marauding bands of lunatics who may attack without warning. In short, it's glorious.

289 and I both noticed that the day's tailgating was much more subdued than at the average Bills game. The trashcan fires were kept mostly under control and Pens fans were able to walk around with only minimal taunting. Ritch even wore a Patriots hat the entire day and only got called a cocksucker about half a dozen times. At a Bills game that would get you pelted with rocks.

We met up with some tailgaters from Bfloblog.com and ate beef on wecks and some "cheesy potatoes" that the chef promised "would bind us up for a week" as if it were a selling point. He was right. I had two servings and about an hour later I felt like I had a stomach full of brick mortar.

At about 12:30 we made our way into the stadium. You could feel the jittery anticipation in the crowd as we waited to get patted down for, according to a sign, aerosol cans and hidden beers. (N.B. They never check below your torso, so if you've got a hollowed-out false leg, you can sneak in all the spray paint and Labatt Blue you want.) Once inside, I embarrassed 289 and Ritch by practically running to our seats due to my excitement. The weather was perfect. Right around 32 degrees with just enough snow to remind you you're in Buffalo without affecting visibility.

Seeing the rink set up in the middle of the field and 70,000 plus fans at a hockey game for the first time was pretty incredible. We were sitting in the endzone, right behind a small rink they constructed for kids to play a pickup hockey game on before the game. The kids were dressed in opposing Sabres and Penguins jerseys, and whenever the Penguins team scored, the crowd, to their credit, booed those traitorous 10 year olds.

After a rousing rendition of O Canada and God Bless America, replete with giant flags (I'm a sucker for giant flags!), the game got underway. The Penguins sucked the fun out of the game pretty quickly by scoring just 21 seconds in. A frightening thought suddenly occurred to us. After months of anticipation, what if the Sabres just got blown out? I'd gotten used to seeing horrendous on-field performances at Ralph Wilson by the Bills, but I was hoping I'd be spared seeing one by my hockey team. Luckily, the Sabres buckled down after the early goal and the Penguins went into a defensive shell. Things got back to normal.

After some questionable calls (meaning against my team) in the first period, the refs put their whistles away for the rest of the game, which was good, because every time there was a stoppage in play the zambonis came out for ten minutes while fans were subjected to rock blocks of Supertramp. Speaking of musical disappointments, how can you have a hockey game at an NFL stadium and NOT play "The Good Old Hockey Game" OR that Souljah Boy song about ejaculating on sleeping women that everyone seems to like so much? Oversights like that are what's keeping the NHL a second-tier professional sport in this country.

The Sabres scored early in the second period to even things up, and that would be it for the scoring. I'm sure the NHL wasn't thrilled that their marquee event would feature just two regulation goals, but having old Sidney Duckface Crosby win it in a shootout probably went a long way to assuaging their frustration.

There were a lot of nice touches, which, considering the NHL's track record, I was pleasantly surprised and impressed by. They trucked in snow to place all around the outside of the boards, which furthered the whole pond hockey theme. Bringing in the Sabres' organist to play traditional hockey songs was great, too. Ditto for having flags from every NHL team on the poles that ring the top of the stadium. Nicely done, NHL.

Leading up to the game, a lot of people were asking why the NHL doesn't do this more often. After seeing the game in person, I think I've found a couple of reasons. Remember that Simpsons episode when Mexico plays Portugal and everyone in Springfield gets really excited leading up to the game and then after a minute in it's just really kind of boring and confusing?

That's sort of how the game was after that quick goal. After the initial excitement and novelty of the spectacle wore off, I realized it's really hard to watch hockey from 45 yards away, especially when you can't see all the way over the glass. Once I trained myself to look up at the giant scoreboard when the puck gets to where the boards obstructed my view, it became much easier to follow, but still not ideal.

The game on the ice was just so-so. All the ice-fixing delays to took away from the flow of the game, and the snow on the ice slowed the puck down and made breakout passes difficult, which cut down on scoring chances. There also seemed to be a fair amount of clutching and grabbing as they game went on. The refs must have figured, "If I call a penalty, that means a stoppage, which means more Supertramp, which means I'll be out in this freezing cold even longer. Fuck it, unless they slash each other across the face, I'm not calling anything."

There were a couple of other quirks in the game. The teams switched goals in the middle of the third period and overtime to ensure no team had an advantage due to the wind, which actually made a lot of sense since all the goals were scored on the same end.

At the end of the game, both teams came together at center ice to salute the fans. Even though the Rangers have cheapened this gesture by doing it every game, it was still a great moment. We stayed for a good 10 minutes after the final horn to cheer the players as they left the field and just to take in the atmosphere. There's talk of making this an annual event, but I don't think it will happen. It seems like a ton of work, and there are so many things that can go wrong. Luckily, for this game, everything came together.

(Photos by the great 289.)

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-
I always figured my first Gawker Media gig would have been as a guest blogger with Fleshbot's Marital Aid Test Kitchen, until Leitch asked me to tackle the NHL Closer. Which is fine, because I really don't know my way around a kitchen — or a French tickler, for that matter. I'd urge you to check out my "Happy Pucking New Year, 2007" awards column on The Fourth Period so you'll know what you're in for over the next few weeks. And as we begin dissecting the NHL's "Winter Classic," make sure you show some love to the Melt Your Face Off Knucklehead Collective that expertly NHL Closed for the last month and read their Classic live blog, too.

The Most Anonymously Awesome Thing To Hit Ralph Wilson Stadium Since Steve Tasker. A steady cascade of snow. A football stadium filled to the gills with puckheads. Inventive camerawork from NBC, and a blessing from that paragon of sports virtue, Robert Costas, who authored a verbal valentine to "Slap Shot" between the first and second periods. A tightly-played overtime game, and a game-winning shootout goal by Sidney Crosby to give the Penguins a 2-1 win over Buffalo. The Winter Classic came together so well for the NHL, you'd think it was scripted; which would be silly, because we all know the NHL only scripts playoff games and draft lotteries.

Ratings be damned, this should be an annual event, even if ESPN doesn't believe it should count in the standings. If for no other reason than the coverage of the game presented an arena sport on an epic scale and created a niche for hockey on a day when more than a few sports fans are glued to the tube. Send the game to Pittsburgh, Chicago, Penn State, New York, Toronto, Fenway, Lambeau — and yeah, Detroit too, even if those pussies want to play under a dome.

Mistakes Were Made: Was it perfect? Hell no, unless you're some kind of sadist who enjoys hearing Mike Emrick and Ed Olczyk nervously fill time during endless ice repairs like an opening act waiting for Amy Winehouse to finally show up. As much as the Winter Classic warmed my hockey heart, I am a New Jersey native, a place where cynicism is a required course for preschoolers; so here's what sucked about the Winter Classic:

* Hearing how players handle bad ice: Interesting. Hearing about the science, characteristics and history of bad ice: Fucking tedious. The fact that the frequent stoppages to plug holes and Zamboni the sheet produced multiple conversations about Iceology 101 showed a lack of preparedness by the NBC team to fill time effectively. I'm not watching hockey to hear about the minutia of ice refurbishment, just like I'm not watching golf to hear about the nuances of Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent and Northern California Sensemilia.

* The players' entrance featured pyrotechnics. And nothing says "Winter Classic" like giant WWE-style pillars of flame, right?

* Over the boards behind one of the goals was a snowy vista. Over the boards behind the other goal? A brown mess of overlapping plywood that made it look like either the NHL ran out of construction funds or that the largest septic tank in Buffalo had exploded at the 30 yard-line of Ralph Wilson Stadium. I know they probably served a purpose, but when you're striving for telegenic aesthetics, you really shouldn't allow a pile of stillborn beer-pong tables to enter the camera frame all that often.

* When Mike Milbury compared Sidney Crosby to Bobby Orr between the second and third periods, I pictured Phil Esposito waking up from his afternoon nap screaming like an air raid siren. By the way, if you were playing that drinking game during the Winter Classic where you take a shot every time Sidney Crosby received a glowing tribute from the announcers, paramedics would have been attempting to revive you from toxic shock by the middle of the second.

* Finally: How in the name of Andrea Kremer does NBC have 71,217 fans show up to a football stadium in order to sit in the snow on a national holiday and watch a regular season hockey game ... and not interview a single one of them on the air about it?

Dear Ottawa: We Have Your Ass. Signed, Washington. The Washington Capitals continued Mission: It Really Was All Glen Hanlon's Fault with a 6-3 victory (minus Tom Poti and Alex Semin for most of the game) against the Ottawa Senators, whom they've beaten thrice this season by a combined score of 18-10. Might be time to remove the fork from the Caps; at five points out of an Eastern Conference playoff spot, they're not done after all.

Nine Times? I was all set to make some lame "football score" joke about the Kings defeating the Blackhawks 9-2 last night, and then I remembered that Los Angeles actually doesn't have an NFL team right now. So I'll simply say that Ladislav Nagy (3 G, 2 A) and Alexander Frolov (2 G, 3 A) had five-point nights, David Koci found a way to amass 25 minutes in penalties including two 10-minute misconducts, and Brian Urlacher had a safety. (Yeah, still lame.) The Understatement of 2008 candidate from Kings coach Marc Crawford after the win: "No disrespect intended with this comment, but their goaltending wasn't great tonight."

(Photo via Getty Images. And more extensive, on-site report of the Buffalo-Pittsburgh game coming later today.)

Pens Beat Sens, Orpik's Struggles Persist. Jarkko Ruutu took two diving penalties in the first period, laid low for a couple hours and then won it in a shootout for the Pittsburgh Penguins. His backhander past Ottawa's Martin Gerber gave the Pens a 6-5 victory in a wild affair that the Senators twice led by two goals. Ryan Malone scored a pair for Pittsburgh while goalie Dany Sabourin came off the bench to replace the man with the yellow pads, Marc-Andre Fleury, who stopped just two of the first four shots sent his way. Closer darling Brooks Orpik was held off the score-sheet for an eighth consecutive game.

Rockford Also Blue Itself. The Blackhawks got short-handed goals from Patrick Sharp and Jacob Dowell and beat the Calgary Flames, 2-1. Dowell, a product of the University of Wisconsin, was making his NHL debut after being called up from the AHL's Rockford IceHogs, a team that plays in an arena nicknamed the "Big Orange Box." And, yes, there's gotta be a better way to say that.

NHL Players Will Say Anything. Martin Erat notched a goal and added two assists as the Nashville Predators defeated the Detroit Red Wings, 3-2. It was the Preds' seventh win of the month after an October that included a six-game losing streak. Radek Bonk scored the winner in the third period and produced this beauty of a quote after the game: "Sometimes they go in for you and sometimes they don't. They are going in for me right now."

You know it's a good sign when they play a hockey game and people are pissed they didn't get tickets. Pittsburgh fans and Bills fans are angry because ticket priority was given, strangely, to Toronto Blue Jays season ticket holders over them. We don't understand that either, but, jeez, 72,000 people to see a hockey game on New Years Day? We would not have expected that.

The Winter Classic - 42,000 Tickets Sold in 25 Minutes [Buffalo Sabres TV Ratings]
Winter Classic / Ice Bowl: The Questions Continue [American Hockey Fan]

Thomas, under orders to improve the team "or else," is still five games under .500, but is now in the eighth and final berth for the playoffs from the Eastern Conference (barely). Ah mediocrity, thy name is Knicks. Although honestly we can't say that we can think of anyone more fun to be coaching the Knicks.

Meanwhile, here are some others who won't be goin' anywhere any time soon:

• After all that hullaballoo, Penguins reportedly reach deal with city, will not migrate. No, we couldn't see Sidney Crosby playing in Kansas City either.

• There are few times in life when a young man has the opportunity to be coached by a guy named Tubby. Kentucky does not take that fact for granted. Although, when you look at the words closely, is this really a ringing endorsement?

• Bonds now says he wants to return to Giants in 2008. Assuming team can find a size 11 1/2 hat.

'Evident Progress,' So Knicks Extend Isiah [MSNBC]
Penguins Reportedly Reach Deal To Stay Put [MSNBC]
AD Signals Support For Smith [Lexington Herald-Leader]
Healthy Bonds Opens Up, Discusses Future [MSNBC]

We're trying to imagine how this evening began.

"Honey, thanks for coming to the game with me tonight."
"No problem. I want to support your love of the Penguins. You're not gonna, like, paint your face or anything, are you?"
"Ha, no, that's only for intense crazy fans. I just like to put on an old hoodie and cheer for the Pens."
"Oh, cool. Hey, so I might make a sign."
"That's great! I'm so touched you're taking an interest in something I care about. What's that you're writing? Oh, I see, Crosby, yeah ... oh ... oh my ... dear ... uh, I don't think you should ..."
"Why does it always have to be about YOU?!"

We're kind of confused the identity of all the other four holes, by the way. Perhaps we just lack imagination.

Best Fan Request Ever! [PopJocks]

We'd like to thank Run Up The Score for directing us to this Pittsburgh sports fan, who gives us his rendition of the Cotton Eyed Joe dance — we are sad to know such a song actually has its own dance — that he plans on performing at a future Penguins game. He is also illustrating the true genius of Google's YouTube deal; that's intellectual property right there.

This video was shot a few months ago, which is why this Steelers fan seems so damned happy and, in the words of Tom Jackson, "developmentally disabled."

Pitttarded-2 [Run Up The Score]

NHL SmackTalk [Airing of Grievances]

Some have questioned the wisdom of Lemieux's comeback in the first place, but any time you watch a hockey game in Pittsburgh, it's directly because of Mario Lemieux. Wait. You are watching hockey games in Pittsburgh, right?

Lemieux To Retire [CBC News]
Lemieux [Penshockey]