The best part: The Pirates enjoyed their second sellout of the season, as 38,867 crammed PNC Park; with Maz, who threw out the first pitch, in attendance. The AP story also said that there were "several Pittsburgh celebrities" in the crowd, although I can't imagine who they would be. Fun facts: Mazeroski, who hit the only Game 7 walkoff homer in World Series history, was an eight-time Gold Glove winner at second base who only had a .260 batting average.

Amazingly, the Pirates' big concern prior to the game was who the large crowd would be rooting for. (It was decidedly Pirates). "Outstanding!" center fielder Nate McLouth said. "And did you see that nobody left? It was 12-3, and they were still there for us."

So, Let's Go Bucs. Never let it be said that MLB Closer ignores the black-and-gold.

• Pull Up Your Sox. Jason Varitek, who had an 0-for-24 streak going before Monday (as your tear-stained scorecards sadly indicate), singled to drive in the go-ahead run in the eighth as the Red Sox beatthe Diamondbacks 5-4.

• It's Andy McPahil Day In Chicago (Hey, Who Threw That Brick?!). Brian Roberts had three hits to reach 1,000 for his career, and closer George Sherrill — whose name sounds like he stepped out of a Weintraub post — struck out the side after the Cubs had loaded the bases in the bottom of the ninth. It all added up to a 7-5 win for the Orioles over the Cubs, ending Chicago's 14-game home winning streak.

• Mr. Met Cannot Conceal His Murderous Rage. The Mariners may have the worst record in baseball (13-25), but they're 7-1 all-time vs. the Mets, including Tuesday's 11-0 win. Raul Ibanez homered and drove in three runs, and knuckleballer R.A. Dickey earned the win. Plus, New York manager Jerry Manuel and the Mets' Carlos Beltran were both ejected.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Prince Fielder, Milwaukee Brewers. So much entertainment in this clip, it's hard to know where to start. Fielder snags a liner and then lunges to tag the Braves' Yunel Escobar, who is caught off first for a double play. Bonus points here because Fielder is, like, 400 pounds. Then Escobar throws his helmet in disgust and is tossed by the first-base umpire. Best part: Bobby Cox waddles out of the dugout to protest, but is only able to go three steps before Escobar is ejected. So Cox turns on his heel and returns to dugout. Thoroughly entertaning. Wizard Cat gives this play: Five wands.

The horsehide arced toward the heavens, and seemed surely to portend the finality of the afternoon’s proceedings. As it reached its apogee, and began a lazy descent, paying customers gathered up their purchased gonfalons and made ready for the trip homeward. Surely, the stalwart tasked with patrolling the liberal side of the Second City outfield, Alfonso “40-40 Sori” Soriano, would welcome the pill in a leathery embrace, and the 27th out would be recorded—and thus, another notch in the accursed Chicagoans ledger.

But wait! Notice the tentative step, the anguished look, and the glove hand outstretched, not with confidence but in feeble defense. The halting Alphonse had lost visual contact. Helios had seized control of the affair! The same sol that had scorched the grandstand with its warming rays, resulting in the pulpy whiteness of the assembled Pirate Faithful turning an angry shade of pink, now blinded the unfortunate Bear Cub to the pill’s parabola.

The seemingly doe-eyed fly lifted from the ash of Nate “The Peroxide Pirate” McLouth suddenly grew fangs, and thoroughbreding his way around the infield was Brian Bixler, recently called up from Indianapolis and now making like the diamond was the famed Brickyard. When ball met grass, the BB gun had already shot past the hot corner. He easily tallied the tying touch of home dish, hitching matters at 5-apiece, and for the second contest running, bonus base ball loomed.

(Somehow, the Scoring Solomon adjudged this egregious display of gloved maladroitness to be a two-sacker for the Bleached One, rather than an E-7, rendering immediately illegitimate the Halfway-Home lashes from the likes of LaRoche and Lee.)

“It's very tough when you don't see the ball," the Abashed Alfonso explained in a withering understatement. The Gods had made their presence felt, and for once, it was to the benefit of the Iron City Crew. Gazing down upon The Confluence from their bleacher seats upon Mt. Olympus, Zeus and Apollo, decked out in Bucs finery and washing down their Cracker Jack with ambrosia, hooted, “Get thee back to the keystone sack, sir!”

The BC Lion, Jason Bay, was the previous day’s hoagie, bringing a contest spanning fourteen innings to an abrupt halt with the winning whippet. Cue Punxsutawny Phil to emerge from his hole, for in a rerun of Saturday’s splendor, the Sabbath featured another skip away safety by the bountiful Bay. The Gentleman Masher plated Chris “Dirtbag” Gomez with a bingle in the eleventh innings, and the Burghers once again treated Chicago like Miss O’Leary’s cow, this time 6-5.

Prior to the sun-field shenanigans, appearances were that Luis “Muy Decepcionante” Rivas, of all flannelled figures, was to be the center of scribed attention. The puny utilityman had muscled balls over the planking only 31 times in his flaccid history, a “rate” of only once for every 63 strolls to the batting rectangle. In a development that would give Ripley pause, the suddenly hulking Rivas struck Long Socks in his first two trips to the plate, staking the Privateers to an early advantage with the first, and offsetting a Boulevard Blast from “What, Me Worry?” Al Soriano with the second.

But the day’s decisive blow seemed to have been landed upside the Pittsburgh brow, turning it crimson, by Aramis “Teen Sensation” Ramirez. The latter-day Santo completed the task begun by Derrek “Project 3000” Lee, bouncing one back through the box to bring the Lanky Lefty homeward, and punch Pirate pill-tosser Paul “Crystal Method” Maholm’s time clock for the day. The twirler who made the Borscht Belter look as foolish as he did during “City Slickers 2” performed admirably, hauling the mail for an octet of innings, but he was in position for a D when “40-40”’s mysterious outfield stylings removed the hook from his mouth.

Base ball, of course, is not only our Pastime, but our Passion. However, these two nines, when coupled here in the City of Bridges, take their love for the game to Don Juan-levels of ardor. In the half-dozen catered affairs thus held at PNC Park, a quartet have required surplus innings, and the assembled action has toted seventy innings in all. Now, every hour spent at the Elysian Field is one not spent toiling at life’s daily mill, so far be it for this reporter to knock overtime, but perhaps Messrs. Piniella and Russell would be so kind as to inform their charges that Mr. Doubleday ordained nine innings to be sufficient, and that sitting passively for nearly four hours is a recipe for tired blood. Otherwise, some fan or ink-stained wretch will surely succumb to heat stroke, or deep vein thrombosis, and that will be a dark day in the annals of the Clockless Sport indeed.

Here's the thing though: Zito didn't suck (loud crash as you drop whatever that is that you were holding). He began with three scoreless innings, and finished with five innings pitched, giving up three hits, two earned runs and two walks, with five strikeouts. Xavier Nady had a two-run homer in the fourth; did you know he leads the NL in RBIs? Dumatrait, by the way, went 5 2/3 scoreless innings for the win, so congratulations to all of you who have him on your fantasy teams. *Crickets.* But Zito; light at the end of the tunnel. I know he can win a game if we all believe. Clap your hands if you believe!

• His Mob Name Is Joey Three Times. Remember this day, my friends, as the day that The Big Red Machine returned to Cincinnati. The Reds hit seven homers — three by Joey Votto — to claim a 9-0 win over the Cubs. The seven home runs broke the Reds' team single-game record at Great American Ball Park, and it's the most the Reds have hit in a game since setting the NL record with nine in Philadelphia on Sept. 4, 1999. Four of them came in the fourth off of Jon "Danger: Flammable Contents" Lieber.

• Bring Back The Sex Doll Shrine. Carlos Gomez hit for the cycle, which last happened to a Twins player a mere 22 years ago when Kirby Puckett did it. Livan Hernandez took a shutout into the ninth, and the Twins beat the White Sox 13-1. By the way, a friend of mine who saw the shrine said it was nothing bad, and that the only reason there was a controversy was because the Toronto media was determined to make make a big deal out of it. Beanball war! I hope the two teams harbor no ill feelings toward one another.

• Battle Of Unbeatens Results In One Being Beaten. Cleveland's Cliff Lee — the anti-Zito — improved to 6-0 in six total starts, handing Chien-Ming Wang his first loss in a 3-0 decision over the Yankees. Fun fact I learned from a blog named CastroTurf: Lee (0.81 ERA) is working on a streak of 28 consecutive innings without giving up a walk, which is the longest streak in the majors.

• Your Eephus Pitch Update. Today's victim of the eephus pitch is David Ortiz (actually Tuesday, I think). Enjoy.

From the site's description of Jim Leyland's '86 Topps card:

Oh, Jim. Before you go. One more thing. We almost forgot. You'll still get the talent, and the raise, and the big chair, and all that. But you're going to have to wear a hat made of mosquito netting. And it's about three feet tall. It's a completely ridiculous hat, Jim, but, well, we feel very strongly about this.

But my favorite card has to be the one below. Bottom of the ninth, down by three, bases loaded with two outs; the only thing that can save us now is a home run. Knoop, grab the biggest bat you can find and get in there!

The Ugly Baseball Card Blog

The single digit protruding from his glove certainly looks like Gorzelanny may be sending a message to the umpire, the Phillies, the entire NL, or perhaps to Pirates' fans, who may be getting frustrated with the team's 10-15, last-place start. Pirates spokesman Jim Trdinich tries to explain. Meanwhile, I would invest in one or two of the dolls over at eBay, before the price goes up. It would be a nice companion piece to this in your collection.

• Zito To Watch Games From The Outfield For A Spell. With the Giants' Barry Zito being demoted to the bullpen on Monday, it's going to be a while probably until we're able to see that "I just got rocked" expression that we've all come to know and love from our favorite $126 million starter. Fortunately, Big League Stew over at Yahoo has quite a collection of those precious moments, which they share with you here. As Stew points out, at $18 million per season, Zito is the most expensive reliever in the majors, beating out Mariano Rivera by $3 million. He is also only the third pitcher ever to start 0-6. The sad thing is that the Giants would be having a strong season if Zito were decent; at 12-15 they're hardly the '62 Mets that everyone had predicted. On Monday Matt Cain broke his 10-game winless streak, 4-0 over the Rockies; SF's fourth win in six games.

• Red Bull Gives Him Wings. Something about being back in Oakland has rendered Frank Thomas lighter than air; as nimble as a forest creature. On Monday he tripled for the first time in six years (oxygen! Medic! Cough!), collecting three hits against former teammate Jon Garland, as the Athletics took the AL West lead from the Angels with a 14-2 win.

• 'The Game Has Been Called Due To The Drought'. The Orioles could have pulled ahead in the East, but instead there is a three-way tie for first. That's due to Monday's Baltimore-Chicago game ending after 11 innings, 3-3, due to inclement weather. The game will resume at the beginning of the 12th inning later this season, but no date was set. All the statistics from Monday count, including homers by Chicago's Juan Uribe and Baltimore's Ramon Hernandez.

• Arizona Mathematically Clinches NL West. Will rest starters for playoffs beginning Wednesday.

Yep, big heads, ripped muscles, imperceptible testicles ... those look like steroid users to us.

And hey, all you Pirates fans who have been frustrated that Barry Bonds waited until after he left your team to take steroids — and become pretty much the greatest hitter of all time — can take heed: In these cards, Barry's all roided up in the Pittsburgh uniform. So you have that.

Topps Pretty Much Predicted The Steroid Era In 1992 [FanIQ]

In fact, our pick makes our stomach turn over a bit, but alas. We think this division's going to be a lot better than people think.

1. Chicago Cubs. We're not ready to go with the "they win the World Series in the 100th year" business, but the lineup is starting to scare us a little.
2. Milwaukee Brewers. These guys reek of slow starters, followed by the firing of Ned Yost, followed by a crazy run to the wild card.
3. Houston Astros. This franchise is absolutely dead in two years. Their last gasp will push them into third place. Congrats, guys.
4. St. Louis Cardinals. The lineup should surprise — watch Brian Barton, kids — but man, is that really Todd Wellemeyer in the rotation? Heavens.
5. Cincinnati Reds. No longer will these guys sucker us in. It'll be fun to see who Griffey goes to, though.
6. Pittsburgh Pirates: Yes, yes, the Pirates are still around. Nice stadium too.

We type all this through gritted teeth. Your thoughts? Tomorrow, the National League West.

Don Spagnolo is a freelance writer and editor of Mondesi's House, a Pittsburgh sports comedy blog. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—

16 Reasons Why the Pirates' Streak Won't End in 2008

I sat in this spot last year and labored through not one, not two, but 79 reasons why it's hard to be a Pirate fan. The research alone for that article made me question why I still bother with this organization. Of course, that in itself was the answer: they're a gold mine of comedic material, whether they try or not.

So what did the 2007 Pirates do to prove me wrong? For starters, they went 68-94, extending their streak to an amazing 15 consecutive losing seasons. Their big bat, outfielder Jason Bay, who never met a called strike three that he didn't like, watched his offensive output fall quicker than Roger Clemens' credibility. Freddy Sanchez, the 2006 NL batting champion, neatly shaved 40 points off of his batting average. Hired gun Adam LaRoche longed for the Mendoza Line for a significant part of the season. 2001 first-round pick John Vanbenschoten was called up to The Show and responded with a line of "0-7, 10.15". And remember Zach Duke, the wunderkind with an 8-2 record and 1.81 ERA in his rookie season of 2005? Well, that Pirate juice finally marinated in his system, and his numbers leveled off to a more appropriate 3-8, 5.53. Good thing we had pitching coach Jim Colborn around to straighten him out. No, not even a roster loaded with the likes of John Wasdin and Don Kelly was enough to turn the 2007 Pirates around.

So the on-field product was a mess. Shocking, I know. But not to be outdone, the Buccos' front-office managed to aggravate fans to levels previously unknown to these parts, which is saying a lot. The selection of relief pitcher Daniel Moskos as their first-round pick in the amateur draft sent Pirate fans into a fit of blind rage. Ironically, this happened around the same time that the Pirates were getting their heads handed to them during a weekend series at Yankee Stadium, so it's nice that they were able to synchronize the fans' on- and off-field disgust so nicely. The remaining tortured souls privately known as Pirate Fans actually organized a walkout, complete with the bashing of promotional bobbleheads that the team has secretly built their hopes around.

Following this comedy of errors, CEO Kevin McClatchy stepped down, leaving HUGE, Shaquille O'Neal-sized shoes to fill. Manager Jim Tracy was shown his walking papers, so now he can finally pursue his career goal of managing the 2004 L.A. Dodgers to a championship. For those of you who don't follow the Pirates, which would be all of you, Tracy would talk endlessly about his '04 Dodgers. How deep did this fixation run? Well, he basically told Jack Wilson, a three-time runner-up for the Gold Glove, to approach ground balls more like Cesar Izturis. He told Jose Castillo to be like Adrian Beltre. He told players to be versatile, like Jose Hernandez. It was a sickness.

Pirate Nation was finally gifted with the firing of GM Dave Littlefield, who took over a 62-100 Pirates team in 2001 and magically turned them into a 68-94 team a short six years later. Rival GMs around the league shed a tear, as they will no longer have the human Blue-Light Special around to gift them that perfect stocking-stuffer third baseman at the deadline. As his final act, Littlefield and the Pirates pulled the trigger on a trade for $9.5 million dollar pitcher Matt Morris, who was plodding along with a 4.35 ERA, to strengthen the Pirates for their postseason run. Sure, they were 42-62 at the time, but that division was wide open. If you ever want to know more about Dave Littlefield, there are plenty of fine books at your local library. But an easier way would be to read his Wikipedia page, where his failures are outlined in a neat little package.

In typical Pirate fashion, they tried to distract their paying customers from the spectacle on the field. Bobbleheads. Airborne hot dogs. Pierogi races. And the pièce de résistance, a viral video parody of The Sopranos' final episode. This is what we've evolved to. Pops Stargell is spinning in his grave.

So with that as a backdrop, prepare to be wowed with this year's list, 16 Reasons Why the Pirates Streak Won't End in 2008. Yes, this is the year that the Pirates go for the record: they can tie the Phillies' streak of 16 consecutive losing seasons from 1933-1948 and presumably break the record in 2009. Hey, at least it will give us a reason to watch games later in the season.

16. We've heard this the last 15 years.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 15 times, shame on me.

Every year, the Pirates have a new spin on the idea that this will be the year that their fortunes change. Usually, they pitch the notion of an exciting core of young players ready to turn the corner. Sometimes, they do turn the corner...and after that, they end up playing third for the Cubs.

When they're not selling the up-and-comers, they bring in a token veteran or two to toss to the winning-starved Pirate fans. More often than not, they're about 5-10 years too late (see: Mondesi, Raul and Bell, Derek), although they do give quite the inspiration for someone trying to name their new blog.

So where you once saw the names "Kris Benson", "Jason Kendall", and "Jose Guillen" as rays of hope, you now see "Freddy Sanchez", "Jason Bay", and "Jack Wilson". In both cases, they were nice players. In neither case were they players to build a franchise around.

15. They hired Sid Bream!

Imagine the worst moment in your favorite team's history. Then imagine your favorite team hiring the player that helped beat them. Because that's exactly what the Pirates did when they hired Sid F-ing Bream as the hitting coach for their single-A short-season team, the State College Spikes. Was Francisco Cabrera unavailable?

It was Bream's desperate dash for home plate that beat the Pirates in the 1992 NLCS, kicking off a decade-and-a-half of losing baseball. And since Barry Bonds hadn't yet met Greg Anderson or Victor Conte, the less-than-fleet Bream beat Barry's throw, sending the Braves into the World Series and running the Pirates' streak of consecutive NLCS losses to three.

14. The "Bizarre" Freddy Sanchez Contract

By all accounts, Freddy Sanchez has been one of the very few bright spots in the Pirates' organization the past two seasons. He's a hard worker. He's overcome a clubbed foot. He won the batting title in 2006. He has an extremely likable personality and fans love him. He's basically everything that you would want in a player on your team.

So as you would expect, the Pirates jerked him around in contract negotiations until he finally signed a new deal earlier this month. The headline in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette read, "Pirates, Sanchez agree to unusual three-year deal". Only the Pirates would have such a banner when signing what is probably considered the face of their franchise.

Of course, the Pirates haven't exactly given Sanchez the diva treatment during his time here. The only reason he played so much in 2006 was due to an injury to starting third baseman Joe Randa, who is currently playing for...no one. In another example of the Pirates not knowing how to evaluate players, they brought in Randa, a mediocre-at-best third baseman, who was at the end of the line (and at a cost of $4 million) when they had the eventual batting champion wasting away on the bench. Yep, we're all going to miss Dave Littlefield and Jim Tracy.

13. Introducing...John Russell!

Since the Pirates relieved the manager of the 2004 Dodgers of his duties, they had a rare chance to add a top-flight skipper. Who would they bring in? Joe Torre? Joe Girardi?

Come on, this is the Pirates! It doesn't matter if they had Casey Stengel in his prime. Knowing that, the Pirates went for former third base coach John Russell, who was actually canned in 2005 by the team. Since he couldn't handle knowing when to send or hold runners back then, you can feel confident that he'll now oversee the entire team.

Luckily for Russell, he joined a franchise where .500 would be celebrated like an NFL team going 16-0 and WINNING the Super Bowl. So to say he's playing with house money is an understatement.

12. You know things are bad when Johnny Estrada says no

The Pirates are like the ugly kid that can't get a date. In this year's crop of free agents, they were turned down by the likes of catcher Johnny Estrada, who instead chose the freaking Nationals. They were also the runners-up for reliever Luis Vizcaino, who signed with Colorado, and Chad Durbin, who instead chose Philadelphia. It's like the Pirates are offering players foreign currency; to sign a legit player, Pirate dollars would have to be at least double what an established franchise would fork over.

Needless to say, they didn't even bother asking A-Rod out.

11. No free agent? No problem? Let's make a deal. Or not.

OK, so the Pirates landed zero big free agents in the offseason. Sorry, but I don't think Chris Gomez falls into that category. Our hope then shifted to the trading block. Would the Pirates unload one of their better players to bring some building blocks back in return? Maybe Jason Bay, Jack Wilson, or Ian Snell? Welllllll....no.

The biggest deal that was on the table was Bay and catcher Ronny Paulino to the Indians for outfielder Franklin Gutierrez, catcher Kelly Shoppach and either starter Cliff Lee or a minor-league pitching prospect. Needless to say, our new GM turned his nose as this proposal, the first sign that he might be better than his predecessor.

10. OK, how about Bartolo Colon?

Making the transition to "truly desperate," the Pirates watched pitcher/human zeppelin Bartolo Colon pitch in the Carribean Series. Colon was also scouted by the Astros, who ultimately didn't sign him because his size wasn't a result of HGH, as they had hoped.

While Colon's 6.34 ERA and $14 million paycheck sounds perfectly suited for the Pirates' expensive, washed-up superstar approach that's worked so well in the past, they have resisted the urge (so far) to sign the burly righthander.

9. Jaret Wright's still alive, isn't he?

Not to be denied, the Pirates did pluck a former big-name off the scrap heap, this one being Jaret Wright, whose career likely peaked in 2004 with Atlanta. "His history of arm troubles will help him fit right in," I imagine GM Neal Huntington saying the day he signed him.

As an amusing sidenote, I found out that Wright uses the alias "Turd Ferguson" on the road, in order to avoid unwanted fan attention. Somehow, I think that nickname will stick in Pittsburgh, only this time it will be for on-the-field performance.

8. We need a first baseman

The Pirates acquired first baseman Adam LaRoche from the Braves last year in a deal that had waaaay too much local hype. To quote myself from last year's preview:

10. The arrival of Adam LaRoche. LaRoche was celebrated as if the Pirates traded for a combination of Albert Pujols, Babe Ruth, and Roberto Clemente times 100. Anything less than 82 home runs and 195 RBI this year would be considered a disappointing season.

Would you consider a sub-.200 batting average until Mid-May a disappointment? Eventually, LaRoche raised his average later in the season during all of those pressure-packed games in August, when the team really needed it. But for the full season, the disappointment level was a solid 9 on the 1-10 scale.
So the Pirates elected to bring in Doug Mientkiewicz from the used car lot for a thorough tire kicking in 2008. Mientkiewicz is a career .271 hitter with 64 homers in 10 MLB seasons, and his most famous baseball achievement is taking home the last-out ball from the 2004 Red Sox, to the chagrin of Red Sox Nation. So it's safe to say that we're stuck with the Klopek kid from The Burbs for the forseeable future.

7. Tom Gorzelanny, Injury Candidate

Tom Gorzelanny was a pleasant surprise in 2007. He threw 200+ innings, he won an amazing 14 games on a 68-win team, and he had a 3.88 ERA. But we're Pirate fans. We're used to the sky eventually falling.

So imagine my lack of surprise when SI's Tom Verducci placed Gorzelanny on his list of "Seven young pitchers most at risk for injury or a significantly higher ERA in 2008". Says Verducci:

"Gorzelanny was 1-3 with a 5.77 ERA in September while throwing 639 pitches, his second-highest monthly total (by only five pitches) of the season. While Gorzelanny was passing his career high in innings, the Pirates let him throw 105, 118, 107, 107 and 117 pitches in meaningless consecutive September starts. Why?"

Because they get quantity discounts at Dr. James Andrews' office, that's why. This is an organization that's sat by as first-rounder after first-rounder has suffered an arm injury to stop or severely slow their career. Luckily, they drafted a pitcher yet again in the first round in 2007, so even if Gorzelanny doesn't blow out his arm, odds are that Daniel Moskos will.

6. They're bad at everything

The 2000 Baltimore Ravens managed to win the Super Bowl despite glaring offensive weaknesses. Not even the great Brian Billick could figure them out, even in his greatest hour. Is there any chance of the Pirates being strong at one part of the game to the point that it could carry them to the postseason?

No.

The Succaneers hover near the bottom in numerous MLB categories. In 2007, they ranked 22nd in home runs, 23rd in runs, 20th in batting average, 25th in on-base pct., 26th in ERA, 28th in saves, 26th in shutouts, 25th in strikeouts, 29th in opponent's batting average, etc., etc., etc. You get the point.

No, not even Trent Dilfer nor Qadry Ismail would make a difference for this squad.

5. Jason Bay is not happy

Jason Bay usually makes about as much noise as your average mime. Never before have I seen a player so inappropriately thrust into a leadership role. So you can imagine my surprise when The Muted One finally opened his mouth to reveal that he was disappointed with the Pirates' offseason inactivity.

Fantastic. I'm glad that Bay feels comfortable enough to speak his mind. Unfortunately, the 2004 NL Rookie of the Year chose a time when he's coming off his most disappointing year as a Pirate, as his numbers fell from 35/109/.286 in 2006 to 21/84/.247 in 2007. And as previously mentioned, he's turned the called strike three into an art form, which the city has duly noted.

His impeccable timing has already irked the new front office, which preferred that Bay aired his grievances with them rather than through the media. It's great to see that one of our star players is starting off on such a good foot with his new bosses.

He's obviously bitter over the dead-end trade with Cleveland, but that's for two obvious reasons:

1. All he was worth on the open market was Cliff Lee, which is a major shot to any slugger's ego, and;
2. He's still stuck in Pittsburgh, at least until he pulls a Raul Mondesi and concocts an extortion plot to get his release.

4. There's not much help on the way

Minorleagueball.com recently ranked each team's top 20 prospects, and sorry Pirate fans, but I don't have much good news to pass along for the future. Outside of outfielder/futureYankee/Met/Red Sock Andrew McCutcheon, no prospect earned an "A" grade, and only three others reached even a "B". The author adds, "What a horrible system. There isn't much else to say about it."

There might not be another organization in pro sports that's frittered away more high draft picks than the Pirates. It would be the baseball equivalent of a Ryan Leaf-level disaster, year after year after year. But at least the Chargers eventually turned things around. They had a Tomlinson fall into their lap. They picked up a Merriman, a Rivers.

The Pirates' drafts have been run like the guy in your fantasy league who's had one (or 15) too many. Eventually, that catches up with you, and the cupboard is bare. Which would explain the Pirates fans starving for a winner.

3. Historically bad pitching

Last May, I pondered about the Pirates' pitching. Then I started doing research. And that means a lengthy post. Among my findings:

—The Pirates have had a grand total of six 20-game winners in the past 60 years.
—The Pirates have 34 players in the Hall of Fame Eight are pitchers, and of the eight, none played for the Pirates for more than seven seasons. The only one in the postwar-era (Jim Bunning) played just two seasons.
—The Pirates have had two Cy Young winners. Ever. That would be Vern Law in 1960 and Doug Drabek in 1990.

So my conclusion was that the Pirates never had a Randy Johnson-type on their squad. I know, it's groundbreaking research. While they've had many good pitchers, the truly elite hurler has eluded their grasp for practically their entire existence.

What's this mean for 2008? Well, we have Tom Gorzelanny's soon-to-fall-off left arm, Paul Maholm's 5.02 ERA, Zach Duke's destroyed confidence, and Matt Morris' bloated contract (and ERA to match) to look forward to. Our lone shot to change this trend looks to be Ian Snell, a fiery 190-pound righthander who takes way too much pride in his work to be a Pirate. Unfortunately, history is not on his side.

2. The Nuttings

The face of the Pirates' front office has been Kevin McClatchy. It's a nerdy face that often sat behind home plate in shirt, tie, and ballcap, the look only acceptable if you just got picked in the NHL, NBA or NFL draft:

But, as 100 Percent Injury Rate points out, the Yankees can't quite compete with some of the other great rookie hazings this year.

They put the Pirates and the Dodgers at the top of the hazing list, and after looking at the Pirates picture, it's difficult to argue:

Baseball players are weird.

Damage From Rookie Hazing Week [100 Percent Injury Rate]

You can add Pittsburgh's Adam Laroche to the Charles Nelson Reilly whoopie cushion school of comedic delicacies. Keep that guy away from the scissors.

The Braves' uniforms and other essentials were hung up in the lockers after the Pirates vacated it. Only thing is LaRoche decided to stick around. LaRoche got a pair of scissors and proceeded to cut the crotch out of every pair of underpants in the Braves locker room - from Bobby Cox's drawers to the bullpen catcher's.

And he left a note: "Let it all hang out, fellas."

It really takes much dedication and time to physically cut the crotches out of an entire team's underpants; we salute Laroche for his diligence. We also love the image of Jim Tracy holding the team bus, waiting for Laroche to finish.

Adam Laroche Wants You To Let It All Hang Out [100 Percent Injury Rate]

And what better way to completely relinquish executive duties of a cellar-dwelling team by channeling the unnerving wisdom of football sage John Madden?

"Somebody asked why, and I keep referring to what John Madden said ... John Madden said, 'You get about 10 years in the frying pan and then burnout can take place.' It was the right time for me to make that change."

But despite the lack of never winning, well, anything with the Pirates, the guy seemed to have done a damn fine job, day in, day out, every week for a very long time. I say they replace him with three no-names.

McClatchy to Step Down At Season's End [MLB.com]

• They Might As Well Have Worn Matching Earrings. Brad Penny and Jake Peavy did fine impressions of one another last night. They both threw 7 innings and gave up 1 run. Peavy issued 1 less walk, and Penny had one more strikeout. Neither of them got the win, but that's alright, they've still got 19 between then. Both bullpens did their job, too ... until the 12th inning, when the Dodgers trotted out Brett Tomko, who got beat up for 2 runs, allowing the Padres to bring in Trevor Hoffman to nail it down. When a game comes down to Tomko vs. Hoffman ... I like the Padres chances.

• He Likes It, He Loves It. I guess the Mets are just going to make a weekend out of kicking the hell out of the Phillies. They've won the first three of the four-game series, and Carlos Beltran homered twice (again). None of this would be happening if Pat Burrell were still alive. Oh, and Tim McGraw threw out the first pitch ... he's schedule's cleared up now that has Nashville Kats missed the Arena Football playoffs.

• Proud To Be in Purple Today. Look at that ... a Rockies game that doesn't end in total misery for the team in purple. Hm. The Rocks ended an 8 game losing streak behind seven excellent innings from Jeff Francis, and then one each from Latroy Hawkins and Jeremy Affeldt. The Astros managed just 4 hits all game, 2 of them from Craig Biggio, who joins the 3,004 club.

A group called "Fans for Change" wants the people of Pittsburgh to rise up against shitty Pirates management and walk out of the game tonight (after you get your Bob Walk bobblehead, of course).

Don't expect to notice anything if you're watching on TV, though. One, the Pirates TV station doesn't plan to show the walkout. And two, these things rarely ever work, let alone have the desired effect.

Last year during a Lions game, tens of thousands of fans were supposed to get up and leave in the second quarter of a game, but only about 4 people actually ended up doing it. And even if they had left, what was it going to do, alert Matt Millen to the fact that the Lions suck? I'm pretty sure he had noticed.

But I don't begrudge you your anger, Pirates fans, you certainly have a right to be upset ... and I do wish you well with your public hissy-fit tonight.

Would Bob Walk Walk-Out? [Carpetbagging 101]
Smizik: Walkout by Pirates fans gets blacked out [Post-Gazette]

One thing you shouldn't do, though, if you're a team being protested is pretend the whole thing doesn't exist. The Pirates, whose fans have a walkout scheduled for the third inning this Saturday, are deliberately deleting all references to the protest from their Web site's message boards and instructing team employees to avoid all comment.

They have asked their television announcing crew not to discuss the walkout with the media. They have removed all comments about the walkout from their message board at pirates.com. They have the support of their television rights holder, FSN Pittsburgh, which does not plan to show the protest as part of its game coverage.

Now that's being fan-friendly! If they were really devoted to the cause, the Pirates would make the ushers restrain the fans and not allow them to leave their seats. You will stay and you will LIKE it!

Pirates Fans Planning A Walkout [Larry Brown Sports]
Protest News [The Parrot]

It can be difficult to keep the fans entertained at PNC Park in Pittsburgh, so they've tried a new technique: reenacting already historic television scenes. We might not know the official ending, but we know how it really ends: The Pirates lose.

Did The Parrot Get Whacked? [Dorothy Mantooth Is A Saint]

(UPDATE: We've got a better version of the video in there now.)

Folks who will have perhaps-unexpected interest in tonight's Golden State-Portland game: Pittsburgh Pirates fans. The Bucs have compiled 14 losing seasons — and counting. The Warriors stand at 12 — meaning at least that the Pirates have a friend in the double digits. Should GS win tonight, the next closest on the list are the Orioles (nine straight losing seasons), the Devil Rays (all nine of their seasons) and — yes — your Buzzsaw (eight).

It's lonely at the bottom, so if Pirates fans suddenly love the Trail Blazers tonight, you'll know why.

Look, guys: We didn't pick the Cardinals! (We still think they'll win the wild card.) Yes, our flirtation with the Brewers continues; we actually picked them to win the wild card at midseason last year. So there's that.

1. Milwaukee Brewers. Best pitching staff in the division, with potential for big power. We're scared.
2. St. Louis Cardinals. Everyone's concerned about the rotation, but we think that'll be fine; we're far more concerned about that, ugh, outfield.
3. Chicago Cubs. Seriously, they should just cut Wood and Prior right now. Everyone will feel better.
4. Houston Astros. We think this might be the worst Astros team of the last few years. We almost wanted to put them behind the Reds.
5. Cincinnati Reds. Boy, Ken Griffey has just been a godsend, hasn't he?
6. Pittsburgh Pirates. If we were more of a real man, we'd act on our hunch about this team. But we're not.

See? No Cardinals! No reverse jinx! Nope! Tell us what you think, if you're more of men and women than we are. And you are.

Well, we're less than a month away from the start of baseball — spring training is here! — so it's time to do the same thing in the baseball world. Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.

Today: The Pittsburgh Pirates. Your author is Don Spagnolo.

Don Spagnolo is a freelance writer and editor of Mondesi's House, a Pittsburgh sports comedy blog. He is also the owner of Steelcityauctions.com, a Pittsburgh-based sports memorabilia firm. His words (and pictures) are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-

79 Reasons Why It's Hard To Be a Pirate Fan

I love the Pittsburgh Pirates. They were my boyhood team, they were my inspiration for playing 14 years of baseball and they're still my favorite team to this day. Some of my fondest childhood memories include coming home from school, making sure all my chores were done and then getting to stay up late to watch Barry, Bobby Bo and company eventually self-destruct in the NLCS each year. But those days seem like a lifetime ago. Actually, they're a generation ago, because I estimate that anyone 21 or younger has no memory of the Pirates as a winning organization.

The team last had a winning season in 1992. We're closing in on 15 consecutive years of losing. I've seen the Clippers and the Bengals in the playoffs in my lifetime, so I know it's at least possible to think that the Pirates have a shot. But getting to that point is a lesson in patience.

What I wanted to talk about today is the plight of the Pirate fan. Save for a few exciting championship runs in the late '80s/early '90s, the franchise has given their followers a whole lot of nothing since that 1979 championship. I know there are fans of other franchises that can sympathize with the cause, but I'm not looking for pity. This is a city that is dying to embrace a winning baseball team, but has a team that refuses to cooperate.

A perception exists that the Pirates have no fans. Totally untrue. In reality, there are still legions of Pirate fans. They are out there on a cold January afternoon attending PirateFest. They are out there running a blogger's roundtable of Pirate issues each week. They are out there to the tune of almost two million in attendance for a 95-loss team last season. If anything, they have very loyal fans.

To steal a line from Hustle and Flow, it's hard out here for a Pirate fan. Despite all the love we have for them, they routinely put us in situations where we question our loyalty. So I decided to outline 79 reasons why it's so hard to be a Pirate fan. Why 79? In honor of 1979, the last Pirate team to appear in the World Series.

So wish us luck in the coming season. But keep in mind that the last Deadspin preview I wrote for a team didn't help their season too much. To Pirate fans, hang in there. Don't give up hope. And try not to choke on your own vomit after reading this.

79. Jabba the Jimmy Anderson. The gut heard round the world.

78. Welcome to Hell. That's how "team leader" Jason Kendall would welcome new Pirates to town.

77. The pants-less Jose "Chico" Lind. Yes, I know that he was no longer a Pirate when it happened. But the vision of my childhood second base role model sans pants still scars me to this day.

76. The 2006 trade deadline deals. Such high hopes. So many teams in need of a player to put them over the top. Pirate fans were so excited. And what do our "assets" land us? Among others, Shawn Chacon, Brian Rogers and Jesse Chavez.

75. Benito Santiago. One of the many players that the Pirates were about 20 years too late on.

74. Bobbleheads, bobbleheads, bobbleheads. I count nine of them on the 2007 Promotional Schedule. Hey, anything to divert attention from the field.


possible the worst bobblehead ever created

73. Starting pitcher Ian Snell, who let it be known that he would never be caught living in Pittsburgh . Ironically, this came out the same week as Sienna Miller's famous anti-Pittsburgh rant.

72. The Pirates get to host the All-Star Game in 1994 ... and your Pirate rep is ... Carlos Garcia.

71. SS Jack Wilson calling out underachieving 2B Jose Castillo. Hey, I'm all for ripping a guy if it is deserved. But it helps if said messenger was not a massive disappointment since his career season in 2004.


Jose Castillo, 2B, Pittsburgh Pirates

70. Jon Lieber for Brant Brown. The Pirates rescued the ball-dropping Brown from unforgiving Chicago fans, and he responded with a .232 average in 1999. I thought of this trade every time Lieber took the mound for the Yankees in the 2004 playoffs.

69. No rivalries whatsoever. In football, we have Steelers-Bengals, Steelers-Ravens, Steelers-Browns, Steelers-Patriots ... in baseball, we have Pirates-Royals.

68. National TV...a pipe dream. The Pirates are never on national TV. I'm surprised they even broadcast the All-Star Game last year, considering it was being played in Pittsburgh. So imagine my surprise when I heard on the radio that ESPN was going to broadcast a Sunday nighter between the Pirates and Mets last August. I thought hell froze over. Turns out that ESPN made a mistake, because the game was actually the Phillies versus the Mets.

67. Willie Stargell falling 25 home runs short of 500. Yet Rafael Palmeiro sits at 569. Just doesn't seem fair.

66. The best stadium in the country, soiled by the worst team. 415-555 since the opening in 2001.

65. "It's a freak show!" That's the catchphrase of Pirate announcer Greg Brown, most notably announced after a walk-off home run by Mark Smith in 1997 to cap an extra-inning no hitter. Considering the team, actually a very appropriate catchphrase.

64. Chad Hermansen. A Pirate minor league manager named Woody Huyke once said the Bucco prospect "could walk on water." Six seasons, 13 homers and a .195 career average. Kinda missed the mark on that one, Woody.

63. The 12 inning perfect game loss. Only a Pirate could throw 12 perfect innings against a lineup featuring Hank Aaron and Eddie Mathews, but Harvey Haddix did exactly that in 1959. See, the Pirates couldn't score runs then, either.

62. The Anna Benson for Ty Wigginton trade. The rare trade situation where both teams lose. And to think the Pirates originally asked for DAVID WRIGHT!

61. They have a pitcher named Bayliss. Does he start nonsensical arguments with teammates?

60. Their big free agent splurge of 1996: Mike Kingery.

59. The self-destruction of Tim Wakefield. This is an example of Pirate luck: Wakefield goes 8-1, 2.15 as a rookie, helping the Pirates within an eyelash short of the 1992 World Series. In his second year, he implodes to a 6-11, 5.61 mark, and he was ultimately released in 1995. He was signed by the Red Sox and has won 137 games since then.

58. Waiving Bronson Arroyo. Another waiver move by the Pirates to make room for their overabundance of talent, Arrroyo was let go in 2003 and scooped up by the BoSox. He periodically checks in with the Pirates to show them his 2004 World Series ring that he won alongside Tim Wakefield.

57. Jason Kendall's broken ankle. Nothing like a compound fracture to ruin countless Fourth of July picnics in the Greater Pittsburgh area.

56. Jim Leyland. Managed the Pirates to three straight NLCS disappointments, as well as four 5th-place finishes and one 6th-place finish. Still a beloved person in Pittsburgh. I can't figure it out either.

55. Oliver Perez committing hate crimes on laundry carts. He's your problem now, New York.

54. The legend of John Wehner.
This guy is amazing. Consider some of these facts on the current Bucco broadcaster:
— In 11 major league seasons, he had only 804 plate appearances, approximately once every other game.
—He was released four times (Pirates '96, Dodgers '97, Marlins '97, Pirates '01)
—He was signed by the Pirates on five separate occasions (1988, 1999, 2000, January 2001, August 2001)
—He earned a little more than $1.5 million dollars in his career. Remarkable for a player with so many years of experience.
—He appeared in the playoffs twice. With the 1992 Pirates, he struck out in both at bats. With the 1997 Marlins, he was brought into one game as a defensive replacement.
—He has played every position except pitcher at least 3 times
—He looks like Bill Cowher
—He hit the last home run in Three Rivers Stadium.
—He also made the final out in the stadium, as the team was rallying against the Cubs and he popped out.
—His years of perseverence paid off in 1997. After signing with the Florida Marlins in March to reunite with former Pirates manager Jim Leyland, he actually won a World Series ring with the fish.

53. The end of the KDKA radio era . 1920-2006. Rest in peace.

52. The Pirates... where careers come to die.

51. Lee Tunnell. I once said of him "imagine Roger Clemens, only more intimidating."

50. Fireworks. And lots of them.

49. They have to be the only team to host two All-Star games (1994 and 2006) without having a winning season in any year in between.

48. Jose Hernandez. Our version of Morris the Cat. He's now been signed three times by the team, despite averaging 183 strikeouts a game from 2001-2003. He just won't go away. Why can't we fall for a guy like Ichiro?

47. Rich Loiselle, Freddy Garcia, Chris Stynes, Ivan Cruz, J.J. Davis, William Pennyfeather, Adrian Brown, Turner Ward, Lou Collier, Doug Strange, Chris Peters, Todd Van Poppel, Mike Benjamin, Wil Cordero, Emil Brown, Adam Hyzdu, Omar Olivares, Tony Alvarez, Jeff Reboulet, Matt Stairs ... just a few players we tried to talk ourselves into rooting for over the past decade and a half.

46. The Pirates can't get a drink. Through the first six years of PNC Park, not one Pirate has hit a home run into the river on a fly. Imagine watching my joy as I endured slugger after slugger knocking them in at the Home Run Derby in July.

45. Doug Frobel. Have you ever seen a more pathetic looking Rated Rookie?

44. Six million dollars, 16 homers and a .230 average. That's what one season of Jeromy Burnitz will buy you.

43. The Cobra. Dave Parker, the tragic figure of the We Are Family Pirates, who preferred cocaine to steroids. He also preferred Jason Voorhees masks when batting.

42. The Mendoza Line, baseball's universal symbol of incompetence at the plate, comes from the below-average batting skills of former Pirate Mario Mendoza.

41. Pirate employees stuffed the ballot box on behalf of Pirate players for the 2006 All Star Game.

40. Interchangeable management. Cam Bonifay, Dave Littlefield, Jim Tracy, Gene Lamont, Lloyd McClendon ... the names change, the results stay the same.

39. Matt Lawton. In typical Pirate fashion, they sign the one of the few known steroid users whose performance wasn't enhanced.

38. One of the rumored reasons they disliked slugging outfielder Craig Wilson: he drank too much Pepsi.

37. Kris Benson, not a Cy Young winner. Let's just say Peter Gammons was a little off in his 2000 predictions.

36. The 1980 trade of Bert Blyleven and Manny Sanguillen to Cleveland for Gary Alexander, Victor Cruz, Rafael Vasquez, and Bob Owchinko. I didn't realize Dave Littlefield was the GM back then, but apparently he was.

35. Jody Gerut. The coveted 2005 deadline-deal power bat who can't even run.

34. Dock Ellis throws a no hitter...on LSD. Pirates pitchers can't just throw nine-inning no-hitters without an asterisk. They throw 12 innings and lose, they throw 10 innings and need a walk-off home run to win, they throw them on LSD...

33. Tabaka-Wilkins '98 . This alcohol-fueled brawl between two pitchers was the most fight the Pirates showed the entire season.

32. Their greatest base-stealing threat? Former manager Lloyd McClendon.

31. Yuslan Herrera. The Pirates finally sign a Cuban defector in 2007, and who is it? A guy whose opponents batted .340 against him last year. Jose Contreras he is not.

30. Mike Williams' 2003 season. 1-7, 6.14 ERA, 28 saves, and the Pirates' lone All-Star rep.

29. Listening to Yankee fans saying they can't get rid of A-Rod fast enough. I know, he can't win the big one. Of course, neither could Peyton Manning. But I digress. Guys, I appreciate your high expectations of your team, but as a Pirate fan I just can't relate. Of course, as a Steeler fan I can totally relate.

28. Kevin Polcovich. Looked like a paperboy. Played like one too, with his .189 average for a half season of work in 1998.

27. The Raul Mondesi Era. For obvious reasons, my favorite. Arguably the most intelligent player in Pirate history for the scheme he concocted that rescued him from the Baseball Bermuda Triangle in 2004.

26. Steeler camp doesn't start soon enough. I'm sending Dan Rooney a letter to petition a May 1start to camp this year.

25. They even screw up Opening Day, as evidenced by their 2006 choice of actor Michael Keaton to throw out the first pitch. Batman bashed them in a press conference earlier in the day.

24. Al Martin. Al can best be summed up with that crazy story he told about when he played college football at USC, going so in depth that he talked about tackling Leroy Hoard and his tree trunk legs. Unfortunately, that never happened. Folks, your seven-year starter in the outfield.

23. Kevin Young's contract. Possibly the biggest waste of $24 million you could ever make, unless you consider nearly every other Pirate contract.

22. The 1995 lineup: Mark Parent, Mark Johnson, Carlos Garcia, Jeff King, Jay Bell, Al Martin, Orlando Merced, and Jacob Brumfield. I get nightmares just blogging about it.

21. Roberto Clemente taken before his time. Just not fair.

20. The Jason Schmidt trade. The Giants get a Cy Young runner-up and three-time All-Star. The Pirates get Armando Rios and Ryan Vogelsong. Boo-ya!

19. Their 2006 starting center fielder, Chris Duffy, goes AWOL. Apparently Mr. Duffy did not watch the Raul Mondesi "How to Get Out of Pittsburgh...FAST!" instructional video.

18. Salomon Torres' beaning of Sammy Sosa in the head. Actually, this was kind of entertaining.

17. The Pat Meares signing. When I think that Meares had a lifetime average of .258, never played a full season, and made almost $21 million as a result, I'm reminded that America is the land of opportunity.

16. The Me First and the Gimme Gimmes Concert. Nice job by the Pirate event planners, who booked a San Francisco-based punk rock cover band to play a postgame concert (featuring fireworks, of course). Styx would've been a better choice for this crowd. That's why they're scheduled for August 16 this year, followed by Smash Mouth on the 17th and the Povertyneck Hillbillies on the 18th. Stay cutting edge, Pittsburgh.

15. Bill Mazeroski's home run being constantly overshadowed by the Shot Heard Round the World. Maz hits the first walk-off, series-ending homer in MLB history, and we're supposed to believe that Bobby Thomson's home run in a pennant game is bigger? Let's connect the dots...Thomson's home run was FOR New York...Maz's home run was AGAINST New York...hmmm...

14. The only MLB lineup ever filled out by a computer program .

13. Raising ticket prices after a 100-loss season in 2001. Seriously, do they ever weigh the pros and cons of some of these ideas?

12. Jason Kendall's contract. The $60 million singles hitter.

11. Simply awful drafting. The Pirates always stink, so they always get a high draft pick. The problem is that their draft picks rarely pan out. Since 1979, the Pirates have had three players who they developed who hit 30 or more HR in a season in a Pirate uniform: Aramis Ramirez in 2001 and Barry Bonds in 1992 and 1990. Before you write to correct me, they didn't develop Jason Bay or Brian Giles. You would think at some point they would at least stumble upon a slugger by accident.

10. The recent arrival of Adam LaRoche. LaRoche was celebrated as if the Pirates traded for a combination of Albert Pujols Babe Ruth, and Roberto Clemente times 100. Anything less than 82 home runs and 195 RBI this year would be considered a disappointing season.

9. Randall Simon...weiner whacker.

8. The Aramis Ramirez Trade. Seen by many as the ultimate waving of the white flag by the Pirates as a legitimate franchise. They dealt the promising 3B, who had a reasonable contract, to the Cubs at the 2003 deadline, throwing in Kenny Lofton to boot. The Pirates received strikeout machine/3B Jose Hernandez, backup IF Bobby Hill, and minor league Matt Bruack. A sad day in PirateLand.

7. Francisco Cabrera and Sid Bream, Atlanta Braves 1992 NLCS heroes. I hate you both.

6. A serious lack of development. Players don't get better when they are drafted by the Pirates, they get worse. Their 1st-round picks in 1999, 2000, 2001, and 2002, all pitchers, all blew out their arms. After a few years of drafting positions players who probably won't pan out, the Pirates selected pitcher Brad Lincoln in the 1st round of the 2006 draft. As expected, Lincoln was promptly shut down for the year shortly thereafter. Direct your ire at Senior Director of Scouting Ed Creech and Senior Director of Player Development Brian Graham, who are clearly stealing paychecks.

5. The McNutting Era. The Pirates' ownership group, headed by Kevin McClatchy and the Nutting family, has resulted in a combined record of 783-996 since 1996 (an average of 72-90). They're the anti-Steinbrenners.

4. The Pittsburgh Drug Trials. I'm always proud to be a Pittsburgher when I see Bryant Gumbel interviewing our old mascot about how he sold drugs to Dale Berra.

3. Operation Shutdown. I know it's been talked about for years, but the nerve of Derek Bell to threaten a shutdown still amazes me. He was coming off of a .173 season, and to that point in spring ball he was hitting .148. The defining moment of a generation of Pirate jokes. By the way, this is Bell's 2006 booking photo for getting caught with a warm crack pipe at a traffic stop.

2. Barry Lamar Bonds. We don't remember the Balco Barry that you see today. We remember a different Barry. The one that threw a hot pizza on the head of R.J. Reynolds during a team flight.

1. 14 consecutive losing seasons and a total of just seven winning seasons since 1979. This is a franchise that went from 1927-1960 between postseason appearances, so there's some history of long droughts. Although as droughts go, we may be in for the baseball version of " The Dust Bowl."

I'm not exactly sure what the Pirates organization was expecting to happen, but Me First and the Gimme Gimmes are a punk rock cover band. In Pittsburgh. At a baseball game. You see where this is going? People booed, and shortly after they realized what they were hearing, left. They were booked for three consecutive nights, and fired after the first one.

Sensing an uncanny ability to pick wildly inappropriate musical act for the venue, ABC immediately contacted the Pirates organization and expressed an interest in hiring the guy to pick the music that will accompany the NBA Finals next year.

As a helpful public service, I've compiled a list of bands that might have worked better in Pittsburgh:

• Donnie Iris
• Journey
• Whoever did the Steelers Polka in the 1970s
• Kid Rock
• Molly Hatchet
• Dokken
• George Thorogood
• Scrantonicity
• Foghat
• Bob Seger

Band strikes out with Pirates fans [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

We don't mean to imply that things are starting to get particularly ugly in Pittsburgh ... but people are now booing the mascot for not being a parrot.

To be fair, the Pirate guy is pretty lousy at that T-shirt gun.

(By the way, we are expecting every person at RFK Stadium with us next week to be just as drunk as these guys.)

• 1. Children, Hide Your Eyes. We knew that this whole interleague thing had a tragic, fatal flaw. Like highly incompatible chemical mixtures, the Pirates and Royals must never, ever be allowed to touch. On Tuesday what we all feared finally happened; an explosion of awfulness so devastating that it may have destroyed baseball as we know it. Kansas City's 10-6 win over Pittsburgh (which included 17 walks and resulted in one player being sent to Triple-A for "emotional reasons"), may have been one of the worst games in history. But don't take our word for it: One brave citizen actually live blogged the entire event. So let's head over to Where Have You Gone, Andy Van Slyke? for all the horrible details.

• 2. With A Third Inning To Haunt Our Dreams. We're sorry to report that this one wasn't much better, at least on one side. Joe Crede — who is from Westphalia, Missouri, by the way — had two home runs and helped produce an 11-run, 12-hit third inning as the White Sox beat the Cardinals 20-6, on 24 hits. It was Chicago's biggest offensive outing in 10 years.

• 3. Chop Phooey. The Braves are now proud owners of their longest losing streak since 1989 (top-grossing film: the original Batman) at eight games, as Reed Johnson's homer led the Blue Jays to a 6-5 win.

• 4. Racing Sausages No Match For Mighty Tiger. Meanwhile, Detroit has won six straight (the Tigers are 28-10 on the road) after rookie Zach Miner threw his first complete game, a 10-1 win over the Brewers.

• 5. June Boon. Anyone notice that the Marlins have won nine straight? Absolutely true, we checked. Dontrelle Willis came within one out of a complete game as Florida prevailed over Baltimore 6-2.
Willis (4-6), unbeaten in June, now has 50 career wins; a Marlins franchise record.

And hey, it's hard not to feel for them. It's one thing to suck, but it's quite another to not have any ambition to ever get past that. Looking back, building PNC Park was sort of pointless... the team could've sucked just as thoroughly in Three Rivers. At least then, they had an excuse. I just hope that the pierogies that race gleefully between innings don't get caught up in the ugliness. It's always the children who suffer.

If you care at all about the Pirates, I encourage you to give the site a look. They put more effort into their mission statement alone than I have into just about anything I've ever done. So stop by, have a look, buy a t-shirt, or say something profane about Kevin McClatchy on the message boards.

IrateFans [IrateFans.com]

"I fear they will take advantage of the goodwill of the people who continue to show up," Mr. Mom said. "For my money, it's disrespectful. At some point, you have to either write the check or you have to do something and not assume, 'Well, we're OK, and ultimately (the franchise) is valuable, anyway.'

"Look, I'd do it, too, if I were a businessman. But, at some point, you've got to win. I think the fans have been gracious ... and maybe not vociferous enough with their displeasure. That's my opinion."

Keaton, whose selection to throw out the first pitch raised some eyebrows, mainly because he's not a member of a recent Super Bowl champion, spouted off enough to receive a "no comment" from the Pirates brass. Val Kilmer, George Clooney and Christian Bale were unavailable to comment.

Going Way Off Script [Pittsburgh Live]

The real story of the NL Central, like every year, involves those damn Cubs. Are the sports gods out to get them? As Cardinals fans, we say yes. Obviously.

Our guaranteed-to-be-wrong predictions:

1. St. Louis Cardinals. Sidney Ponson, baby; Sidney Ponson.
2. Chicago Cubs. If they don't finish this high, Dusty Baker is toast, by the way.
3. Milwaukee Brewers. Prince Fielder is baseball's version of Glen "Big Baby" Davis. Except without braces.
4. Houston Astros. We have seen enough Enron Field the last couple Octobers to last us a lifetime.
5. Cincinnati Reds. The groupies in Cincinnati, Mr. Arroyo, are a step down, we're afraid.
6. Pittsburgh Pirates. We think it would be better if his name were "Duke Zack." Sounds tougher.

Tell us your predictions in the comments, buckos. Bring it.

• 1. Any Rebroadcast of This Game Is Still Strictly Prohibited. The first radio broadcast of a baseball game was the Pirates vs. the Phillies on Aug. 5, 1921 on KDKA, the same channel the Pirates are still on today.

• 2. They Go to the Well as Many Times as It Takes. Pitcher Sean Burnett is a 2000 graduate of Wellington (Fla.) High School, the same school that produced Bobby Bradley, the Pirates' first-round selection in 1999. That makes the first time in major league history that a team has used consecutive first-round selections on players from the same high school.

• 3. They Think Steroids Are Kid's Stuff. Who can forget Dock Ellis pitching a no-hitter on LSD? In April 1984, Ellis revealed that he was under the influence of LSD when he pitched a 1970 no-hitter against the San Diego Padres. Ellis, now co-ordinator of an anti-drug program in Los Angeles, said he didn't know until six hours before the game that he was going to pitch. "The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn't," Ellis said. "I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn't hit hard and never reached me."

• 4. They are alive ... alive! Pirates pitcher Kip Wells had surgery on March 7 to replace a vein leading to a clogged axillary artery. Doctors removed of a vein from Wells' leg, which was used to replace the damaged vein near his right armpit. All hail modern medicine.

(Tomorrow: The Seattle Mariners)

"There are some strange things that pop into your head when you are on the mound. For no reason, really — that's the weird part. You name it, I've thought of it: Fishing, roller coasters — I've thought about all kinds of stuff. I've though about Six Flags in Arlington, Texas. The Judge Roy Scream coaster — I was, like, 'Why am I thinking about this?' It's just something that pops into my head for no reason."

"One thing to do on the mound is to play with the resin bag ... and it takes years of practice to get it right. The trick with the bounce is having a lifetime of practice. There's definitely an art form to it, though. Some people can do some strange things with the resin bag; I can't. What I mean is: I'm not really worried about impressing people with my resin bag skills. Even if I had them, which I don't, it's not in my nature to show off. Some guys, though, they can do so many things, they're sick. Not me. Again, it's all about keeping my hand dry. I'd rub it in the dirt if I had to. In fact, I have. The resin bag just looks cooler, but dirt works pretty well."

Oh, and also, apparently he paints. Yes, we have a feeling we'll be writing about Zach Duke again soon.

Zach Duke Journal [Pittsburgh Tribune-Review]
Roller Coasters and Resin Bag Tricks [Honest Wagner]
Zach Duke Original Painting [MLB Auctions]

If you haven't been, we implore you to go to Pittsburgh and check out PNC Park. (You have this weekend to sneak in this year; we are fairly certain tickets are still available.) It's a gorgeous place, a new stadium that somehow feels sparkly and old-fashioned without the "retro" gimmickry that plagues many of the newer stadiums. It's a good thing the stadium is so nice too, because there's not much worth watching on the field. The Pirates haven't had a winning season since they chose Andy Van Slyke over Barry Bonds as a free agent — that's oversimplifying, but you get our point — and it looks like next year is yet another startover point. If you go, we just suggest wearing a Steelers jersey.

3. Honest Wagner. Focusing more on the Steelers of late — difficult to blame them really — an older blog that still keeps bringing funk, and much of it.
2. Buried Treasure. Very well put together, smart and consistently updated. To keep themselves interested, they also have an occasional book review section, which is always nice.
1. Bucs Dugout. All you need from these guys is the most recent post, which details a fictional (we hope) conversation between general manager Dave Littlefield and Pirates "pitcher" Kip Wells, in which Wells tries to make a drunken Littlefield leave the bar and karaoke machine and go home, and fails.

(Tuesday: Toronto Blue Jays.)