Bobby Jindal, Obsequious Twerp, Simpers The Fuck Out

Bobby Jindal will no longer pursue the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. He also will not pursue Alpha Centauri, or growing a second head out of his left shoulder, or the Elder Wand. Dogs will not shoot lasers from their eyes. The sun will not be a showerhead that sprays grapefruit juice. Many things will not… »11/18/15 1:35pm11/18/15 1:35pm


The Only Rule Is Refusal: A Song For Rand Paul

By the end of last night’s debate, Rand Paul had been reduced to smirking and reciting the Real Fiscal Conservatism rulebook—You can’t spend trillions on the military and be a real conservative, so are you a real conservative?—like a five-year-old who’d caught a playmate in the irreconcilable thoughtcrime of claiming… »11/11/15 3:29pm11/11/15 3:29pm

Big Fat Fabulist Ben Carson's West Point Story Is Bogus

Republican presidential candidate and hip-hop impresario Ben Carson is full of beans. Possibly he is as much as 82-percent beans! His tales of youthful violence keep changing, his Mannatech disavowal was bogus on its face, and now his story of receiving a full scholarship to the U.S. Military Academy at West Point has… »11/06/15 2:55pm11/06/15 2:55pm

Larry Lessig Was Running For President, Now Isn't

Larry Lessig is a Harvard professor, campaign finance reform activist, and attorney; he is not seeking the Democratic nomination to the 2016 presidential election. That last bit is new, as of yesterday: He was seeking the nomination before that—didn’t you know?—and now he is not. Baby shoes, never worn. »11/03/15 3:33pm11/03/15 3:33pm

Jeb Can't Fake A Spleen; The GOP Can't Fake A Candidate

You ask a five-year-old to pretend she is a grownup doing a grown-up job, and she will furrow her brow into a stern expression, scrunch up her little mouth into a tight frown, and speak in a deepened, scolding tone of voice. It does a pretty good—and cute!—job of illustrating how a five-year-old perceives the… »10/29/15 2:21pm10/29/15 2:21pm

Chris Christie Flips Out On Debate Question About Fantasy Football

Things got testy multiple times at last night’s GOP debate, with the candidates repeatedly going off on the CNBC moderators for asking what they perceived to be biased or inane questions (even as they generally failed to provide substantive answers to the substantive questions). Toward the end, things went off the… »10/29/15 10:50am10/29/15 10:50am

No, Seriously, Dissolve The United States

Ronald Reagan’s Secretary of the Navy, a Republican Senator, and Hillary Clinton walk into a bar. Bartender looks them over and says, “Christ, this is 60 percent of the Democratic presidential campaign field? You motherfuckers make Richard Nixon look like Leon Trotsky.” Then Jim Webb knifes him, because Jim Webb is a… »10/15/15 9:30am10/15/15 9:30am

Police Video Shows Teen Girl Graphically Accusing Kevin Johnson Of Sexual Abuse

Today, Kevin Johnson is mayor of Sacramento, Calif., and Mandi Koba is a mother of three and an advocate for survivors of sexual abuse. Only they know what happened between them in the summer of 1995, when she was 16 and he was a star guard for the Phoenix Suns, and each has a different version of events. »10/08/15 4:04pm10/08/15 4:04pm

Congress Seeks To Ban Military-Sponsored NFL Salutes

In May, Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Ariz) and revealed that those salutes to the troops, so omnipresent at football games, are no mere gesture of appreciation. They’re advertising, and the Department of Defense has paid the NFL more than $6 million over the last four seasons to honor the troops with ceremonies. It… »10/01/15 10:53am10/01/15 10:53am

"I'm A Grown-Up Now": The Teen Who Accused Kevin Johnson Of Sexual Abuse Speaks Out

There is a photograph of a pile of pink and white paper hearts atop Mandi Koba’s Facebook page. She cut the hearts out of hard copies of a 1996 police report from Phoenix, Ariz. The cops, according to the vintage report used in the arts and crafts project, were investigating “a celebrity involved in a reported child… »9/25/15 9:18am9/25/15 9:18am

Walk Into Lake Michigan Forever, Scott Walker

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker has abandoned his campaign for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. He says he has been “called to lead by helping to clear the field,” but he was polling at around half a percent, which is to say that nobody is calling him to lead a goddamn thing. In a just world he would be… »9/21/15 8:48pm9/21/15 8:48pm