Now, I have lived on this planet for 33 years and I have concluded any extended bathroom venture the same way: sitting down, toilet paper bunched in my right hand, reaching back and around my body and gently wiping upwards, balls to butt. That's how I've done it forever. That's how I'm comfortable. But a couple weeks ago, a handful of our readers mailed in declaring that they stood to wipe, which I found to be completely alien.

Now, reader Dave would like to point out that College Humor did a quick poll of this phenomenon ages ago. Of 4,214 voters, 56% sat, while 44% stood. I found this breakdown to be shockingly even. I never knew. Such is the insular and private nature of our world in the john that we can find ourselves stunned at such different methodology.

I wanted to explore this schism (crack?) more, to get perspectives from both sides of the fence. What follows are emails from many of our readers. Some stand. Some sit. Some do both (heretofore known as being asspidextrous). Some CONVERTED. I think you'll find their opinions to be quite eye-opening. BROWN EYE opening. Let us begin.

Avi:

I wiped standing as a kid then switched to doing it while sitting. Wiping while standing closes your asshole and prevents an even mediocre wipe. I had constant shit stains when I used to wipe standing, which is horrible for a kid whose mom bought him tighty whities growing up.

I can see that, but it would be foolhardy for you standers out there to assume that sitting always precludes Hershey squirts. Take it from an expert skidmarksman and towel pooping bandit.

Manton:

I'm a 23-year-old male who not only stands to wipe, but has never even contemplated any other form of wiping. I had no idea there was any other way until I went to college and people would see me stand-up over the top of the stall (I'm 6'4", the stall was roughly 5'10") and confused everyone. Apparently it's a New Jersey thing, as I did an impromptu dorm floor census (of both sexes), and everyone from Jersey wiped standing up.

Not only do they wipe standing up, because they also flex one bicep and kiss it while doing so. Everything I know about Jersey I learned by from Mike "The Situation."

Mike:

Standing while wiping is the only way to go. One hand (my left) pulls my buttcheek to the side while the other cleans the affected area. It's flawless... I think if I wiped while sitting, I'd end up with poop all over my arm.

Chris:

I am 24 years old and, until today, had always wiped while standing. Then I had a nice leisurely post-lunch trip to the shitter at work, stayed on the john to wipe, and it was one of the most eye-opening experiences of my lifetime.

There's that eye opening again.

Fernando:

True story (though not terribly interesting). Like many others, I've always stood while wiping, and it never occurred to me to sit. Don't know why; guess it was how I was taught. Last week, I went to my sister's for Thanksgiving, and her 2-year-old needed help wiping while she was changing her 6-month-old's diaper, so I was assigned duty. I went in and told him to stand up for me to wipe, but he wouldn't. He looked at me like I was crazy. We stood at an impasse for a couple of minutes, until my sister finally showed up to find out what was the delay, and then went ahead and wiped him while he was still seated on the toilet. I thought this was something special for the little'uns, the wiping while seated, until I read your column. And I'm a Pediatrician.

Dr. Fernando will only give you a wowwipop if you wipe in the Isosceles stance.

Shawn:

So I used be a stander, it never occurred to me to sit while I wipe I was just easier to stand. However ,I say used to be a stander because I have since converted to sitting. A few years back I got a new job and at the company I worked for the gaps between the stall doors and walls was exceptionally wide, thus while standing to wipe I was basically showing dong for anyone walking by. I went to wiping sitting down. Now I am a sitter even when I am at home, I find I get better anus coverage and it also helps with dingleberries. So there you have it the tale of a stander turned sitter.

That's a good point to consider right there. HOWEVER, I would like to note that I have a tendency to go dingleberry picking while in the shower, STANDING UP. You see how these habits end up mixing and matching?

Mike:

One positive has come from standing to wipe. Early in our dating years, my wife walked in on me (as girlfriends tend to do, goddammit) whilst in mid-wipe. I'll never forget that face. It was a terrible moment for both of us, but one of the best moments of our relationship as far as I'm concerned. She has never once, in the eight years since, come anywhere close to the bathroom while I'm taking a shit. Peaceful every single time.

Now is where things get odd. So the girl was terrified to see her man standing up, which means she was obviously a sitter. I'm assuming most of the College Humor readers polled were men. So I wonder if the divide is anywhere similar with WOMEN as it is with men. I'll bet you anything that more women sit to wipe, sitting having the greater share of asses, so to speak.

Matt:

In early 2005, I was on a ski trip with 6 of my college buddies in Vermont. I accidentally walked into the bathroom of the house we were staying in right as one of my buddies was wrapping up a dump and wiping his ass. I was FUCKING SHOCKED to see my friend standing up and cramming toilet paper in his ass. I quickly exited, and went back to the living room where I promptly informed the other 5 guys what I had witnessed. "Dude, he was standing and wiping his ass! How fucking weird is that shit!?" Instead of the uproarious laughter I expected, I was met with complete silence. I would come to find out that I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN THAT HOUSE THAT SAT DOWN WHEN I WIPED MY ASS. As I was high as fuck at the time, this situation completely blew my fucking mind.

I returned home and launched an investigation into the Stand vs. Sit question that has been going on for the past 5 years. I have talked to friends, friends of friends, random people at bars, etc. I was, and continue to be, completely fucking fascinated by these results. . .

- There is a 50/50 split between sitters and standers
- Each half is completely unaware the other half exists
- Amongst the standers there is a 50/50 split between those that simply stand up and those that stand, turn, and face the toilet.

Now, why the fuck would you turn around and face the toilet? You've completely abandoned the bowl at that point, with the bathroom floor as the only landing pad beneath your ass for stray material.

Paul:

I also discovered the sitting vs. standing question when I was in high school about 8 years ago. I was a stander, and it never occurred to me that sitting was an option. One day I was shitting in the stall next to a friend of mine, and he saw me stand up, and was AMAZED. We polled our entire group of friends, and it was about a 60-40 ratio of sitters to standers. Moral of the story, once I found out that sitting was an option, I switched. It was the greatest bathroom innovation of my life. Hands down, sitting is the superior option. You get to sit down for longer, with beats standing any day, and you definitely get a more quality clean.

Paul makes an excellent point there. Sitting is much better than standing in general. Who doesn't love a good sit?

Jeff:

I call bullshit on the people who say they stand to wipe and didn't realize there was another way to do it. Do these people not watch TV or movies? Whenever there's a glimpse of someone shitting, they're always sitting, never standing. In fact, the movies helped me to realize I was wrong, as I'm a converted stander to sitter myself.

Yes, but you never see people WIPING in the movies, do you? And of course, everyone SHITS sitting down. No one takes the actual shit while standing up. DO THEY?!

/doesn't know what to believe anymore

Sam:

I used to stand to wipe my ass. The thought of putting my hand down the toilet bowl revolted me. It wasn't until I went to college that it dawned on me that standing up did not allow me to get every last piece of poop on my cheeks. I always wondered why my ass would be itchy about an hour later. I don't know what the actual catalyst was, but once I started to stay sitting to wipe, I began to have a dryer ass and fewer shit stains in the boxers. I have not looked back.

I know what he means by that ass itch. Where you really start digging into your ass to itch and you realize OH FUCK. IT'S ITCHING BECAUSE IT'S POOPY. Never good.

Steve:

For as long as I could remember I stood up to wipe following a dump, I don't know why, I just did, and in doing so dealt with the annoyance of clumps, multiple wipes, drippage, etc. Then, for some reason, call it curiosity, last year I started wiping while sitting, which clearly was the better way to go, albeit the weird stretch you have to do to get in there and the possibility of skimming the water is kind of tough. The main benefit however is that your cheeks are automatically spread way apart, so you can really get in there, even draw a little blood which is when you know you really wiped well.

I do like a good blood wipe.

Jay:

This weekend a couple friends of mine tried to play a joke on me by saying I was weird for sitting on the toilet seat while pooping instead of sitting on the rim, and seeing if they could convince me that I was weird for using the toilet seat. Turns out what gave them that idea was that one of them actually knew some Asian guy who didn't know what the toilet seat was for. He thought it was a "seat protector" that you put down when you pee so you don't piss on the rim of the toilet. Then when he had to poop, he would sit on the rim of the toilet. My friend said it took five people to convince the guy that he was doing it wrong and the toilet seat was meant to be sat on, not used as a "seat protector". I was tempted to try this method of pooping in my bathroom but then I remembered how much piss I would be sitting on, plus running the risk of falling in the toilet.

And it's cold! Ever sit on the rim by accident? Like a goddamn ice luge.

Jake:

Yet another person checking in about standing to wipe. I think I do it solely because I am terrified of touching my shit iceberg with my hand if I wipe while sitting.

Fair enough.

Scott:

I find it interesting that so many people don't know about standing (or sitting down) to wipe. Because I do both. I like to sit faithfully for the first few wipes (who has the energy/patience to stand that whole time?), then transition to standing for the last wipe of the sequence. I feel like I end up with a cleaner product.

PICK A SIDE, WAFFLER!

John:

I had a friend who used to always stand to wipe. It wasn't because of how he was raised, or race or anything like that. No, he stood so he could check out his handiwork and if he was suitably impressed, he would move to the next stall over and wipe there leaving his magnificence for all to see.

Now THAT is a man and a half. I'd shake his hand for that. I do like the diea of standing for admiration. When you sit and try and peek, you kinda stare between your legs, but your ass shades your project.

Ron:

You are undoubtedly inundated with emails about this but I was a life-long standing wiper but recently (past year or so) switched to sitting. I too had no idea there was another way until my wife barged into the bathroom one day while I was having my me time.

You see the trend here? Many guys are converts to sitting, but very few converts to standing.

Brian:

I asked my brother if he stands or sits to wipe. He replied, "sitting, obviously" and FREAKED THE FUCK OUT when I told him I stand. He said it was among the most disgusting things he has ever heard. He had no idea that anyone stood, let alone his own brother, so that kills your argument about the way we were raised playing part.

So it's NOT genetic. Got that?

Noam:

My friends and I once spent an entire afternoon discussing it, and the emerging theory was that it was a function of height. If you're 5'10 or over, you stand. If you're under, you sit. One corollary: fat people sit regardless.

But what if you're fat AND you're from Jersey? Because that's a common thing.

Ryan:

Just to add to your unofficial case study...I stand up.

There's a scene in Pick of Destiny where Jack Black is on the shitter and the crazy Tim Robbins character is telling him some big secret about how to get the pick...and JB wipes while sitting before leaving the stall. I was stunned by this, and eventually decided it was just something they did for the movie so they didn't have to worry about showing his cock by accident. Apparently I was wrong.

Indeed you were. Jack Black has no cock.

Dr. Steve Brule:

I normally didn't like standing when wiping until I figured out the perfect compromise - putting one foot on the seat whilst wiping. I call it "The Washington", because when I put my right foot on the seat I feel like I'm George Washington crossing the Delaware to sneak attack the Hessian troops...which is yet another way to associate shit with the German populace.

Listen to that man. He IS a doctor. And, unlike Fernando, he didn't go to medical school in Honduras.

M@:

A friend of mine used to date the daughter of the CEO of the company that makes Kohler brand toilets. My friend was pursuing his Master's degree in international relations, and when he met his perspective father-in-law, his academic background sparked a conversation about international toilet techniques. Apparently, Kohler has a special laboratory for developing toilets for different international markets. People from different cultures use the toilet differently, and Kohler needs to test their technology for a wide variety of pooping procedures. They fly folks in from many different countries and ask them to do their business on new toilet models to make sure there are no surprises. The engineers do not actually watch the testers poo, but as long as the equipment works, they consider it a successful movement.

Several years back, Kohler introduced a model of self-flushing toilet that uses a sensor to automatically flush when the user stands up. They flew folks from all over the world to test them, and all the tests were successful except for one demographic. Whenever a woman from rural India would use the commode, the flushing mechanism failed. The engineers checked all the equipment and determined that everything was in working order, but the engineer did notice strange marks on the seat. Finally, one of the test subjects agreed to allow an engineer to watch her do her duty. Then engineer was astonished. Apparently, in rural India, where toilets are scarce, women are not trained to sit while using the bathroom. Instead, they squat. The test subjects applied this custom to the new toilet by squatting while standing on the seat. The flush sensor was designed to detect a seated customer, but it was not designed for the rarely-used climb-and-squat technique.

I am very happy that I am not a toilet design engineer.

And that concludes our intensive study of this hidden phenomenon of American life. I hope you've learned something today. I hope this brings some semblance of closure to the debate (please, no need to email us any further accounts of your habits). And I hope you have to take a shit now, because I certainly have to. God DAMN I gotta squeeze one out.

Shitting without reading is one of the real wasted opportunities in life. Sometimes I'll take a shit where there's no reading material around and feel nothing but deep pangs of regret exit my body. There are so few places to sit down these days and concentrate. So any reading-free shit feels like a real tragedy.

Ideally, of course, you get to take a shit with either a very good magazine, or the USA Today Sports or Life sections, or perhaps even a printed out Simmons column. (But not Easterbrook. He causes stoppage). With good reading on hand, I actually have the physiological capacity to MILK a poop. Poops that can be finished in thirty seconds instead spend fifteen minutes moseying out of my body. You get more for your shitting dollar that way.

But sometimes, you don't have ready access to good shitter reading right when you need it. Sometimes, you're forced to grab whatever is at hand. And that means sometimes shitting while reading catalogs. I'll read virtually any catalog on the shitter because it beats reading nothing at all. And you will, too. In fact, I have decided to waste your time this Friday by ranking these catalogs in order of pooping superiority. Let's plop in.

1. Victoria's Secret. An obvious top dog. You poop, and then you masturbate. No better way to spend twenty or so minutes. Also acceptable here is the Adam & Eve catalog. Though, if you keep one of those in your place, you've probably read it 50,000 times already.

2. NFL Shop. Oooh! Steelers kegerator! And it's only $500! To you people out there without kids, listen to me right now: Spend all the available money you have on pointless material objects NOW. iPhones. Drugs. Nice dinners. Everything. Spend it all. Because once that kid arrives, you won't be able to spend money on anything fun. Ever. A friend of mine emailed the other day to recommend I buy a pair of noise-canceling headphones. They cost $300. Only someone without kids would be dumb enough to think a person with kids could spend money on something enjoyable like that.

Seriously though, the headphones sound awesome.

3. Dean & DeLuca. This is some fancy pants grocery store. I don't even know why I'm on the mailing list. They must have a database of white assholes who went to prep school. I love staring at pictures and reading descriptions of food that's too expensive for me to eat. Black truffles and caviar served on a thin slice of komodo dragon meat? One day, people. One day.

4. Harry & David. More food. Moose crunch > Moose knuckle.

5. Williams Sonoma. Like the above catalog, only with pots and pans included. OOH LOOGIT. A RICE MAKER! FOR MAKING RICE! There are also lovely pictures of spiral hams inside. I'm a big fan of smoked meat photography.

6. Brookstone. Whoa! Miniature air hockey table!

7. Pottery Barn. Gay.

8. Any non-lingerie clothing catalog. Pointless.

Yours in the comments. Head to stall and milk one, gang. You'll be that much closer to drinking time.

Orlando Brown, the former offensive lineman best known for shoving a ref who nearly put his eye out with a penalty flag, was arrested Friday on charges of breaking into his ex-wife's house, trashing the joint and leaving a log floating in her basement toilet (at least he used a toilet). Brown, who now owns a Fat Burger franchise in DC, sent his ex a text message stating that he had "toured the house." Which makes sense — he was probably just getting a feel for the plumbing.

Breaking, Entering, Pooping With Orlando Brown [Sports by Brooks]
Former Raven O. Brown accused of breaking into ex-wife's house [Baltimore Sun]

It was an honest mistake! Myles was desperately searching for the bathroom in his darkened hotel suite when he accidentally opened the door to the hallway, stepped outside and it locked behind him. When the inconsiderate family next door refused to let the crazy naked man into their bathroom, his remaining options were quite limited. So he did what any of us would have done: He unloaded his business on the carpet and then hid a on fire escape until morning.

Now Myles has been suspended six games, kicked off his Queensland state select team, and he's gone into hiding to avoid the disapproving stares of the national media. Worst of all, his team—the Sydney Roosters—is in crisis negotiations with Samsung who wants to pull the plug on their primary sponsorship. It seems this is not the first incident involving Roosters and alcohol. (Their own coach tried to break into a woman's hotel room last month, because he was too sloshed to realize he was on the wrong floor. That's their role model.)

It's not Myles' first incident either. He lost his diver's license two years ago after a DUI and had a "zero tolerance" clause placed in his contract. Just one alcohol related incident and he would be done with rugby forever. Fortunately, by the time he signed his new contract, he had proven to the team that he had cleaned up his act and could be a responsible upright citizen, so the clause was removed. That was three weeks ago.

And somehow this is all very shocking and disturbing to Australians. The entire nationleague is made up of drunken miscreants—I saw that Baz Lurhmann movie!—but apparently pooping in hallways is where they draw the line.

Rooster Nate Myles's night of shame [Herald Sun]
Clause that killed Nate Myles [Herald Sun]
Roosters in crisis talks with sponsors [WA Today]
Nate Myles Banished [Brisbane Times]
Myles in hiding after scandal [Yahoo!7 Video]
Fittler under investigation [Fox Sports]

This week, Leitch and Daulerio join me for our first ever three-man Deadcast. We talk about Daulerio's surprising enjoyment of Phish's music, his habit of pissing in elevators (which I also confess to having done), and we submit AJ to the second ever Deadspin polygraph test. SCANDALOUS.

We also talk about Cutlerfucker banging Julia Allison, and the time AJ tried to get Gawker exec Lockhart Steele to also bang her. We also talk about the fallout from posting Schrutebag's phone number online, the fucking impossible task that was getting past the first level of "Dragon's Lair", Puerto Rican moustaches, gonzo porn star accessories, a young Daulerio's trip to the rub'n'tug, Harry Kalas, one-star Amazon reviews, and the fucking pussies online who talked about crying merely from watching the "Where The Wild Things Are" trailer.

I also confess to owning a rather sizable collection of Garfield plush toys as a child. Daulerio's reaction: "That's such a fat kid toy." So true, good sir. So very true.

This week's podcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Got an email you want read over the air? Send it to me here. Also, my new Penthouse column for this month can be found here (SFW site, possible NSFW URL). Now sit back, relax, and listen as Daulerio tears "The Velveteen Rabbit" a new asshole.

The bizarre story, first reported on by Pro Football Talk, was floating out there for a while before Jeff Duncan of the Times-Picayune extracted some confirming details from his Saints' sources. Now that's what I call intestigative journalism!

No word yet on who the players were. But if you happen to be looking for a vehicle at one of Benson's dealerships in the coming weeks, might I suggest avoiding any brown tag sales? Hey-yo!

Note: Sarah of course got to this last week. The new angle was just that it was confirmed by an MSM guy. Yes, that's the ticket - I'm not an inattentive idiot after all.

A bizarre story from the bayou [Pro Football Talk]
Saints poop-on-car story confirmed [Pro Football Talk]
Upon further review... [NOLA.com]

Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew’s new book, “Men With Balls,” featuring 100% new material, is available RIGHT FUCKING NOW in stores and online here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK.

The Detroit Lions are going to go 0-16 this year. It’s gonna happen. No joke. Look at their remaining schedule: at Carolina, vs. Tampa, vs. Tennnessee, vs. Minnesota, at Indy, vs. New Orleans, and at Green Bay. With the exception of the Vikings (who can shit the bed against anyone) and maybe the Saints, that is a fucking brutal stretch for any team, much less one that is utterly dead inside. The Lions are fucked. And that is awesome.

We were so close to getting an 0-16 team last year. Those little Miami cockteases were just the kind of rudderless, shitty team that seemed up to the task. But nooooo, they had to go and win in overtime against the Ravens and ruin the fun for everyone. What a bunch of selfish pricks. You should have seen them celebrate after they won. “Oooh! Look at us! We won one whole game! HOORAY FOR SELF ESTEEM! GIVE US A RIBBON!” Losers. They must have taken douche-acting lessons from Mercury Morris.

Not this Detroit team. No, I have a complete absence of faith in this team’s vomitous play. I really don’t believe in them. Not only are they missing talent. And good coaching. And motivation. And a quarterback. But they also have that rare total lack of chemistry that you only see once in a generation. It’s rare that you get to see a group of players come apart and play as none, like this team does.

I think Detroit fans deserve an 0-16 team, and I don’t mean that as an insult. I mean, what more fitting way to cap the end of Matt Millen’s reign of fucktardedness than by going 0-16? What more proper legacy of shittiness can that idiot have bestowed upon that town? Look, if you’re a Lion fan, and you had to sit through season after season of breathtaking incompetence, you should at least get a little memento for your trouble. You deserve, after years of watching teams that were merely shitty, to have the absolute SHITTIEST team of all time. You deserve that little piece of history. You deserve a chance to have an 0-16 NEVER FORGET tattoo emblazoned on your shoulder blade.

That way, you can hold it over the head of every other fan out there. “Oh, you Cubs fans have had it rough, eh? WELL FUCK YOU IN THE PANTS. 0 and 16, you cunts.” No one will ever again question your ability to tolerate ill-timed penalties, crucial drops, revolving door QBs, and mindless special teams gaffes. It’s almost the same as bragging about having been in prison. And, if you’re from Detroit, you’re likely to have that on your resume as well.

You deserve a chance to tell your grandson about this team, to sit little Johnny on your lap and say, “Oh, upset that I didn’t get you a flying hoverboard for Christmas, are you? Well, you can get fucked, little Johnny. Because my team went 0-16 once. And I have arthritis now, so I can’t go hoverboarding. I hope you get that new RoboAIDS, kid.”

Most importantly, I want to make sure that Millen spends the rest of his life with that 0-16 scarlet letter tattooed on his big fat stupid head. I want him to go to his goddamn grave with people reminding him every five seconds that he was the arrogant, vacuum-headed tardbacker who assembled the absolute worst football team in the history of mankind. I want him to be permanently tarred by his glaring failure, unable to escape from its ever-looming shadow. Perhaps it could drive him to madness, as he spends his final days in the basement of a mental ward, writing out his name on the floor with his own feces.

I think Detroit fans deserve to have that happen. So get ready, everyone. History is about to be made.

The Games

All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Jets at Patriots: No more bye weeks! Huzzah! Finally, everyone is playing every week again. No more worrying about those fucking bye weeks when you set your fantasy roster. Remember the couple years when they gave every team TWO bye weeks? Oh, how I loooathed that. When the bye weeks are over, you know that we’re about to get into some serious fucking football. NICE. Oh, and I hope Brett Favre chokes on a meatball and dies in front of his family.

Cowboys at Redskins: Romo’s back for this one. But beware. He could be out up to another five weeks should he dislocate a sideburn. PUSSY.

Ravens at Giants

Four Throwgasms

Broncos at Falcons: Both Bill Simmons and Michael Silver have forwarded the idea of Matt Ryan deserving league MVP honors this year. And I understand the argument. He’s come in and completely changed both the atmosphere and fortunes of that team. And yet… GAHHHHHH SOMEONE STEP UP TO THE FUCKING PLATE SO MATT GODDAMN RYAN ISN’T MVP, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

Three Throwgasms

Chargers at Steelers
Vikings at Bucs
Bears at Packers

Two Throwgasms

Saints at Chiefs: According to PFT, Jeremy Shockey is hated by some of his Saints teammates. I find this stunning. Only SOME people on the team can’t stand that asshole? Color me surprised.

Raiders at Dolphins: I have to say, it’s pretty damn mind-blowing that Ricky Williams is having the season he’s having. In fact, I may have to expound on it in the Kornheiser voice. “Jaws, can you BELIEVE what Ricky Williams is doing right now?! ARE YOU NOT ABSOLUTELY STUNNED?! I mean, he had quit. QUIT! HE HAD QUIT THE GAME, JAWS. QUIT. THE GAME. Out of football for a year. Then he goes to the CFL, THE CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE. And now he’s back and rushing for 100 yards in a game? Would you ever have guessed IN A MILLION YEARS that he would come back like this?! If you’re a Ricky Williams fan, ARE YOU NOT ORGASMING IN YOUR SHORTS RIGHT NOW?!”

Texans at Colts
Eagles at Bengals
Cardinals at Seahawks
Titans at Jaguars
Browns at Bills

One Throwgasm

Lions at Panthers: If Jake Delhomme can toss four picks and still beat the Raiders, he can probably play without legs and still beat Detroit.

Rams at 49ers: Yikes. I’d rather watch an eighty-year-old homeless person get a pedicure.

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

“Soon,” by My Bloody Valentine. Got no plans for the evening? Then do what I did in my early 20’s. Stay home. Smoke an assload of pot. Put on the album “Loveless” at harrier jet-engine volume level, take off all your clothes, and then hump your mattress like a pit bull fresh off the chain.

My Bloody Valentine is famous for many things. For one, they bankrupted their label, Creation, while making “Loveless.” They were also famous for turning their back on the audience and playing at volume levels well past the point of physical pain. They also recently reunited. So if you’re looking for a band that ignores you on stage and has no regard for the health of your Eustachian tubes, MBV is the band for you.

(By the way, first person to say they sound like Smashing Pumpkins gets slapped with my ballsack.)

Embarassing Album I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up

The Mo’ Money Soundtrack. I bought this album specifically because I liked Janet Jackson and Luther Vandross’ duet on “The Best Things In Life Are Free.” But that song wasn’t even on this soundtrack! BULLSHIT! Don’t mock. I enjoyed listening to that song while flirting with imaginary girlfriend. I was very smooth with Gwendolyn.

By the way, Mo’ Money is a horrible, horrible movie. There are few more awkward combinations in the world than Damon Wayans and romantic comedy. Even with Stacey Dash looking at her absolute peak. She is extremely not unattractive.

Bonus King Diamond Song Of The Week!

“Welcome Home,” by King Diamond. I have a big soft spot in my heart for ridiculous metal bands, and they don’t get much more ridiculous than Denmark’s own King Diamond. The 80’s were the high-water mark for lead vocalists with testicle-shattering falsettos. Rob Halford of Judas Priest is the most renowned of this group. But no one took it to the extremes that King Diamond did.

Seriously, listen to this guy’s voice. Holy dogshit. He could make a goddamn Schnauser’s head implode. Throw in the fact that he paints his face like Sting (the wrestler, not the pretentious asshole), and the fact that his backing band appears to be Y&T, and you have yourself a historic moment in the annals of comedic goth metal. And don’t forget the lyrics!

Let me help you out of the chair...
Grandma
Let me touch you, let me feel... ahhh
Grandma take a look
What do you think of the house and
The silvery moon?
We are going to repaint the front door
Soon

Oooh, repaint the front door! So verrry scarrrrry! Oooooooo! Sinister! Let’s go to the Wikipedia facts on King Diamond, shall we?

On stage, Diamond uses a microphone handle consisting of a femur bone and a tibia bone in the shape of a cross opposite. Diamond had previously used a full human skeleton, which was called Melissa, on stage. In the mid-1980s Melissa's skull was stolen after a performance in the Netherlands. It was claimed to have been finally returned in 2006; however, this was denied by King Diamond himself.

Oh no! They took sweet Melissa! Alas, poor Melissa, we hardly knew ye.

Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
LaDainian Tomlinson. What the fuck happened to YOU, man?! I half expect Tomlinson to tear off the name on his jersey to reveal the name MEANS underneath.

Five Potential Key Injuries
-Carson Palmer (elbow)
-Jamal Lewis (“prison bruises”)
-Shaun Hill (rectal mucus)
-LenDale White (diabetes)
-Wes Welker (tongue shingles)

Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week’s suicide pick of the Cardinals was correct, which makes me 7-3 for the year. Off the board now are the Jets, the Giants, Arizona, Chicago, Jacksonville, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Buffalo, and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week’s pick? Carolina, and gorging yourself to death.

“I’ll have the lot.”

Nazi Shark’s Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There’s no reason we at Deadspin can’t also get in on the fun. So we’ve asked National Socialist German Workers’ Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

“This week, I like Chicago getting 4 points on the road against Green Bay. You don’t see a lot of Jewish surfers out there these days. And that’s too bad. Because there’s nothing like having a Jew or two during Happy Hour.”

2008 Nazi Shark Record: 2-6

Great Moments In Sports Poop History
I got enough great poop stories from the other week, that it seems foolish to waste them. So every week, I’ll toss in a new and exciting poop story for your digestion. Take it away, fellow pooper!

“Hello,

“I used to coach high school basketball and I had a kid who actually shat right in his shorts. On the floor. During the game. The kid was 16 and I gotta say he was a real trooper out there as he tried to gut it out until halftime. Unfortunately with about 2:00 left in the 2nd quarter he ran over to me and said, "Coach, I need to . . ." and at that point out out it came, right down the side of the old leg.

“Being the pro that I am, I called for my 10-year old 5th grade manager and promptly hightailed it out of the immediate vicinity. Meanwhile, fans were actually running for the exits, covering their mouths and gagging audibly. Horrific scene, and it caused quite a stink. Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Anyway, the kid was obviously the target of some severe abuse the rest of the season from everyone, including his teammates and opposing fans. My favorite was when we were playing our arch rivals and he was pelted with diapers. Hey, Ohio basketball is vicious. The kid is now 23 and is still stuck with the nickname Scatman.

“True story. Regards, Scary Clown”

Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:

Jim Haslett
Tom Cable
Mike Singletary
Marvin Lewis
Rod Marinelli
Herm Edwards
Norv Turner
Wade Phillips
Romeo Crennel
Gary Kubiak

I’m not sure any coach has worn out his welcome as quickly as Singletary has. I mean, this is worse than when Marty Mornhinweg riding out of training camp on his motorcycle. You gotta be a real power tool to top that jackass.

Gametime Snack Of The Week

Smartfood popcorn. An ingenious product, when you think about it. “Well, we have this popcorn that’s been cooked in pure motor oil, then slathered with white cheese dust. It’s full of fat and calories. But, if we tell people that it’s health food, they must just be stupid enough to believe it!” And they do. Oh, do they ever.

They put a bag of this out at work the other day. I walked by it, opened it, and took a handful. I then crammed the handful into my mouth all at once, smushing it in to my oral cavity as if it were trash I was trying to jam down into a wastepaper basket. Then I sat back down at my desk. Five minutes later, I got up and took another handful. Five minutes later, I got up and took another. Within 30 minutes, I was pouring the few remaining crumbs out of the bag and into my gullet. No one at work said anything to me, but I’m quite sure they will be forever scarred by witnessing it.

We’re getting close to the holiday season. And this tends to be the time of year when you come across one of those buckets of fancy popcorn that’s divided into three sections: cheese, caramel, and straight butter. It takes me about three seconds to go through the cheese and caramel sections. The butter section? Oh, I take my time with that one.

Also, I am incapable of eating popcorn without needing seven toothpicks afterward. I still have kernel skin in my molars from eight weeks ago.

One-Sentence Excerpt From Men With Balls
"Young athletes today lack the cognitive ingenuity and verbal adroitness necessary to be able to pontificate in front of a microphone with any semblance of sagaciousness. HOLY SHIT! LOOK AT THAT LITTLE MONKEY RUN DOWN THE FIELD!"

Gametime Beer Of The Week

Samuel Smith’s Nut Brown Ale. I spent some time in England when I was in college. There was neighborhood pub that sold two-pound pints of this stuff. I’ve never tried heroin, but I have to imagine this is the malt beverage equivalent.

Right next to the pub was a Mongolian Wok restaurant, which is one of those places where you spend five pounds to throw a shitload of noodles into a bowl, and then watch them fry it all up for you. I spent 95% of my time in England either at that pub or at that restaurant. And I’m not really sure why I ever left. I shall return for you one day, Three Goats Heads. Mark my fucking words.

Random FKS-Style Tidbit
I had to blow leaves off our lawn the other day, which is the only time a person should ever be forced to perform a blow job (HEY-O!!!!!). I used a Ryobi electric blower.

Now, electric blowers are totally gay. Ideally, I should be using one of those $500 Stihl fuckers that runs on pure molten coal extract. That said, the thing does kind of look like an RPG launcher, which made me feel totally sweet. I imagined every leaf I blew three feet was a dirty terrorist getting a taste of my all-American wrath. I also tried putting the blower atop my shoulder and pretending I was Megatron. “Fool! I cannot be terminated by a single blast from your puny weapon!”

Robert Evans’ MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL’s MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.

“Baby, your front-runner for the NFL’s MVP thus far is Adrian Peterson of the Vikings. Strong? You bet! Feisty? Just like Lauren Bacall after half a bottle of crème de menthe! I tell you something, kids. That woman sure looked damn good wearing nothing but her mother’s costume jewelry. The kid stayed in that vagina!”

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Lions Fans

Miller’s Crossing. I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT ETICKS! I watch this movie once a year. It never, ever stops being the fucking shit. If you don’t like Miller’s Crossing, then I don’t want to know you. In fact, I will make it my mission in life to hunt you down and glue your eyes shut. Because you don’t deserve the gift of eyesight if you can’t appreciate Leo blowing away Caspar’s men with a Thompson and then digging a cigar back out of his robe pocket.

I’ll also stab you right in the ears, because you don’t deserve to hear if you can’t appreciate Carter Burwell’s score, or Eddie Dane’s dialogue. “Jesus. I open my mouth, the whole world turns smart.” “We only pick fighters we know we can put the fear of God in.” What a big, gay badass. There’s no manlier top than Eddie Dane.

There isn’t a single scene in this movie that isn’t awesome. The fat lady braining Tommy with her purse. Caspar smacking the shit out of his kid. Rug Daniels getting his toupee stolen (“They took his hair, Tommy. Christ, that’s weird.”). The whole thing is flawless. The first time I saw this movie, I spent the rest of the year trying to talk like the characters in this flick did. Girls were twists. Whisky was paint. Jews were schmattas. Did it make me sound like a complete ass? Oh yes.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against my skin. Almost sensuous.”

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Giant gallery of Victoria’s Secret model Alessandra Ambrosia. Sure, she’s mildly attractive. But is she as appealing as REAL ambrosia? Pineapple chunks. Mandarin oranges. Cool Whip. Mini marshmallows. Dunno if your world-class physique can compete with that, my lady!
-For the gals: Twilight star Robert Pattinson. Okay, everyone. I’ve really had just about enough of this whole Twilight bullshit. I can’t open a goddamn issue of Entertainment Weekly without hearing about these retarded books. Ooooh, a girl falls in love with a vampire! How new and unheard of! IT’S FORBIDDEN LOVE! Jesus. I liked this story much better the first time I heard it, when it was called “Every stupid fucking vampire story you’ve ever heard.” Just because chunky 13-year-old girls with black nail polish (who actually hope to fall in love with a very pretty vampire one day) like it doesn’t mean I have to hear about it every three seconds. Fuck the fuck off.

Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend
“Always put one in the brain.”
-Johnny Caspar. I may just put Miller’s Crossing quotes here for the rest of eternity. God dammit, I love that movie.

Enjoy the games, everyone. Special thanks to the brave souls who came out last night for the Tyson's Corner reading.

This is Fox Sports/KC Star columnist Jason Whitlock's latest status update. Good God. Somebody send the man a laxative.

Given all the problems Facebook has caused people in the last week, this one will hopefully not get anyone fired. Except, perhaps, Mr. Whitlock's proctologist.

Odds on being de-friended by Jason Whitlock within the hour? 1/4.

Hey, great column on Charlie Weis, though, man!

“You wanna know a secret?" an International Olympic Committee member from Las Vegas asked me in the lobby of the Shangri-La's Kerry Centre Hotel in Beijing. "The performers are wearing diapers during rehearsals so they don't have to take bathroom breaks."…

Hannie Yang, a 21-year-old Beijinger and intern for Time Out Beijing, says she and her fellow performers were given absorbent pads when they were rehearsing for China's 50th National Day. "They gave us the really long ones that you'd use at night," she said. "Ugh, how hot and suffocating! We just chucked them and used the toilet when we wanted to anyway."

A report on NPR recently also mentioned that diapers were worn during the ceremonies themselves. One of my favorite parts of the whole thing was when they had a thousand people in boxes bobbing up and down, simulating ocean ripples and what not. Turns out many of those box performers had to imitate the wind with a steaming hot chocolate egg roll in their shorts. Kind of takes away from the magic. I’m also assuming those people were not let OUT of their boxes once the ceremony had ended.

Give those performers a brown medal. This truly is the Year Of The Fudge Dragon.

Yes, the folks at Paul Brown Stadium are seeking permission to kill pigeons that are heading into the fans' area. This seems like a potentially fun side attraction for the kids of Cincinnati; watch the men in jackets murder birds!

Pigeon droppings have been falling on patrons and into their food and beverages, according to a letter to the city from Eric Brown, managing director of Paul Brown Stadium Ltd., which runs the stadium for Hamilton County, which owns it. He asked in his letter that stadium employees who are familiar with firearms be allowed to shoot birds a few days prior to an event, adding that company officials believe the shooting to be a "cost-effective way to get this problem under control."

City officials are working with stadium officials on both the legalities of killing the birds as well as the means by which they might be killed, said city spokeswoman Meg Olberding.

Right now, there's one Bengals employee who's really excited about being able to shoot and kill things for his job. Hell, he's probably a player.

Bengals: Let Us Cut The Poop [Cincinnati Enquirer]

An "auction house" called Celebrity Skin And Bodily Fluids is selling Mike Tyson's poop. (It's not just his, actually; you can buy Mick Foley's and a few others' too.) They advise being careful with the final product.

For fecal and urine specimens, you will receive 2.0-3.0 cubic centimeters of specimen packaged in a hermetically-sealed transparent plastic cylinder (about the size of a film canister). The contents will be clearly visible through the cylinder. We do not recommend opening the cylinder after purchase, and we cannot be held liable for any injuries you sustain from engaging in this highly risky behavior.

Currently, a vial of Tyson's dung is going for $31. Nice work, if you can get it.

You Can Own A Piece Of Mike Tyson's Poop [100 Percent Injury Rate]