Cristiano Ronaldo Statue Features A Big Ol' Bulging Dick

Cristiano Ronaldo is, quite deservedly, an icon in his hometown of Funchal, Madeira, Portugal—so much so that he has a museum dedicated in his honor. This weekend, Ronaldo was on hand to witness the unveiling of a new statue made in his image. What can we say? The statue is sporting a huge erection. » 12/22/14 11:46am 12/22/14 11:46am

Every Country We Played Trolled Us With "Yes We Can!"

The Belgians had faith in their boys coming into today's Round of 16 match against the USMNT. Following the tradition of every other team we've played in this World Cup, one paper thought it would be funny to turn the famous Obama campaign slogan "Yes we can!" against us. They were right. They could. We couldn't. » 7/01/14 7:37pm 7/01/14 7:37pm

Portugal-Ghana: The Black Stars Are Imploding, But Can Still Go Through

I'm going out on a limb here and guessing the vast majority of you won't be watching Portugal-Ghana particularly closely. Oh, sure, you'll know if one of the teams scores—you'll review the replays of each goal with joy or dread depending on the time and circumstance. You'll have an eye on this game—whether it be on… » 6/26/14 11:13am 6/26/14 11:13am

How To Bandwagon Like You Mean It

We're all born bandwagon fans. We're born without loyalties, and without any sense of obligation to one team or another. Your dad might dress you up in a ROLL TIDE onesie, but that doesn't automatically make you a rabid devotee to the cause. We all begin our relationship with sports casually. There's always that… » 6/23/14 1:04pm 6/23/14 1:04pm

American Soccer Fans Are The Saddest Soccer Fans

Since we've done this to other fanbases that suffered heartbreak, we figured it was only fair to offer up a collection of photographs of American fans looking dejected after watching Portugal tie up yesterday's game in the 94th minute (94th minute! Motherfucker!) of yesterday's game. Think of it as cathartic, or… » 6/23/14 9:43am 6/23/14 9:43am

Did Cristiano Ronaldo Really Cut His Hair For A Kid With A Brain Tumor?

There's a very good chance that when Cristiano Ronaldo turned up to yesterday's showdown with the USMNT with the mark of Zorro shaved into the side of his head, you laughed your ass off and wondered what the hell what he was thinking. There's a pretty good chance that later, you felt like a jackass when you learned… » 6/23/14 9:07am 6/23/14 9:07am

Portugal Rips Out American Hearts With A Last-Minute Equalizer

The USMNT thought they could close out a win over Portugal, get a surprising three points, and rest easy against Germany. But in the final minute of stoppage time, Cristiano Ronaldo set up a perfect ball for Varela to finish, subsequently tearing out the hearts of drunk Americans everywhere. Rough. Four points are… » 6/22/14 8:26pm 6/22/14 8:26pm