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The Botched David de Gea Transfer Was A Glorious Clusterfuck

Transfer deadline day is always liable to turn up a couple shockers, either in completed deals from out of nowhere or transfers that appear imminent only to collapse right before the crossing of the final T. Real Madrid’s failed attempted to buy David de Gea from Manchester United is one of the latter, and what a… »9/01/15 12:00pmTuesday 12:00pm

Have Manchester City Really Wrapped Up The Premier League Title Already?

Is this real life? We thought it was something last year when Chelsea became champions-elect by the start of November, but sweet Jesus, we’re only four games into the new season and it already looks nearly certain that Manchester City will lift the Premier League trophy come May.… »8/31/15 1:20pmMonday 1:20pm

Are Everton Really Dumb Enough To Turn Down Tons Of Money For John Stones?

John Stones is a promising English center back currently playing for Everton, who’s pretty good and has every chance to get better. His talent, youth, potential, position, and Englishness all make him a very hot and very valuable commodity. (Word to Raheem Sterling.) But apparently out of some misguided belief in the… »8/27/15 4:59pm8/27/15 4:59pm

Manchester United Still Don't Realize They're Not Manchester United Anymore

It’s kind of cute, if in a sad sort of way. Manchester United, once the biggest name in the game, chasing after superstars in the press like a giddy child racing after lightning bugs in the night, hoping to nab one or two like the big clubs can but knowing deep down that it won’t actually happen. »8/26/15 4:43pm8/26/15 4:43pm

These Two Petr Čech Saves Are The Best Saves

Arsenal are hosting Liverpool today in the Premier League, and through one half, the Gunners look like complete and utter bullcrap against the visitors. It’s remarkable how many players in Arsenal’s starting XI appear to be betting against their team on the same day. And yet—and yet!— it’s still scoreless at half.… »8/24/15 4:45pm8/24/15 4:45pm

Manchester City Stake Their Claim As The Premier League's Best Team

You wouldn’t exactly describe it as a shock. It was Manchester City, after all. Winners of two of the last four Premier League titles; armed with the best goalscorers in the country; with one of its twistiest, most creative talents; newly infused with the precocious abilities of England’s most promising young prospect »8/17/15 3:20pm8/17/15 3:20pm

Mario Balotelli Does Lots Of Dumb Things, So Liverpool Want No Part Of Him

Liverpool have pretty obviously been trying to offload the mercurial and misfiring Mario Balotelli for months now. And while we haven’t yet seen the kind of public outbursts we’re used to when Balo has previously overstayed his welcome, the Independent has a rundown of previously unreported incidents that have… »8/13/15 4:34pm8/13/15 4:34pm

Here's José Mourinho's Bullshit Excuse For Why He Demoted His Team Doctor

Earlier this week, José Mourinho demoted Chelsea’s long-serving team doctor, days after he publicly showed her up during a game last weekend. He’s rightly come in for criticism for the decision, so now “sources close” to him have concocted an excuse for the change: the players didn’t feel comfortable around a lady.… »8/12/15 6:46pm8/12/15 6:46pm

José Mourinho Demotes Team Doctor After Blowing Up Her Spot On Pitch

Eva Carneiro, the long-serving Chelsea first team doctor, has been a staple of the team’s matches over the years, rushing out onto the pitch as the first responder to any and all of their injuries. It’s very likely that one such attempt to treat a player on the field last weekend will be her last, however, because… »8/11/15 1:20pm8/11/15 1:20pm

Jose Mourinho Is In Midseason Form As Chelsea Barely Survive Swansea

Chelsea opened their Premier League title defense today with a topsy turvy 2-2 draw against Swansea City. As you can see, Jose Mourinho ain’t too happy about it. Our staff of amateur lip readers concurs that he’s dropping a “Fuck off Michael!”—directed towards referee Michael Oliver—but you could make the case that… »8/08/15 3:31pm8/08/15 3:31pm

The First Goal Of The Premier League Season Is ... An Own Goal

Here it is, the day we’ve all been waiting for: the return of the EPL. Manchester United-Tottenham is our opener, and though Spurs started brightly, all their good work was undone thanks to a terrible pass by Nabil Bentaleb. It wasn’t the prettiest season-christening goal, but we’ll take it. »8/08/15 8:17am8/08/15 8:17am

The Best Of The Best: Our 2015-16 Premier League Preview, Pt. 3

You’ve made it to the third and final installment of our Premier League preview, and what lies below is a rundown of what we at Deadspin consider the six (6) least bad teams in all of England’s top flight. This thirdish of the league is important because this is where teams are fighting for all-important qualification… »8/07/15 12:29pm8/07/15 12:29pm

The Uncomfortable Middle: Our 2015-16 Premier League Preview, Pt. 2

For the American sports fan, following soccer means a reorientation about what constitutes success. With the success of the top teams reinforced by Champions League appearances and an enhanced global profile, there is a virtuous cycle to being good that makes it even harder to break into the top. At the other end,… »8/06/15 5:47pm8/06/15 5:47pm

Some Guy Simulated 1,000 Seasons Into The Future In Football Manager

Everybody knows that the true joy of playing Football Manager is getting a decade or so into the future and seeing the new Messis and Ronaldos and Mourinhos and Guardiolas come and go. Reddit user “Lorf_Yimzo” took this to its logical conclusion, setting up a save in England, simulating into the year 3015, and… »8/04/15 9:35am8/04/15 9:35am