Deadspin: Premier League Closer

United Move Closer, Lose Nani

Unsilent Majority — Sat, 03 May 2008 12:29:26 EDT

Manchester United dominated West Ham en route to a 4-1 victory, holding off Chelsea for another week. Ronaldo netted a double for the Red Devils before his countryman Nani received a red card for a blatant headbutt to Lucas Neill's nose. Now Nani will be forced to sit out the final match of the season against Wigan. A win there for United and there will be nothing Chelsea can do to overcome the gap. Dean Ashton of West Ham had the most stylish goal of the match, while my boy Carlos Tevez added an absolute rocket to shut the door on the Hammers.

• Fulham continues to fight. The Cottagers got a goal apiece from Nevland and McBride to win for the second consecutive week, this time over a relegation rival in Birmingham. The two squads are joined by Bolton and Reading in a group of four teams in danger of joining Derby on their trip back down.

• Not everyone helped themselves. Reading needed a valiant effort against Tottenham Hotspur to stay out of the relegation zone, and it didn't go so well. Robbie Keane scored the contest's only goal, and Reading will sweat it out.

Bendtner To Villa: Bite My Shiny Metal Ass

sussman — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 14:20:00 EST

Arsenal 1, Aston Villa 1 — When you get right down to brass tacks, Arsenal scored two goals, while Villa couldn't even get one. That sounds about right. Now, the story of who kicked whose ball into whose net shouldn't matter. The fact that the team in red scored on each side of the pitch was symmetrical enough to allow a point for each team.

Phillipe Senderos scored an own goal in the 28th while Niklas Bendtner's tying goal came at the last possible minute. But the upsets today didn't come at the tippy top of the standings...

Manchester United 3, Fulham 0 — ...nor at the second spot. A field goal by Owen Hargreaves enabled Man-U to shave two points off Arsenal's league lead.

Chelsea 4, West Ham 0 — I guess when a team is out to prove something, a decisive four-goal victory isn't such a bad thing to accomplish. And if someone fancies to get a red card, it's probably best to do so after the first three goals have been scored, much like Frank Lampard did in the 35th minute.

Birmingham 4, Tottenham 1 — Relegate them, will you? Mikael Forssell netted a nifty hat trick against the Spurs as Birmingham is trying to scamper away from one of those relegation spots. The win helps, unfortunately...

Reading 1, Middlesbrough 0 — ... the Royals are equally shocking as they score a 90th minute goal on the road, maintaining keeping one point between themselves and Birmingham for that last relegation spot. This match also featured nine yellow cards, which just seems excessive. [Witty remark about soccer]

Another Royal Stunner

Unsilent Majority — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 15:45:52 EST

Last year's biggest surprise in the Premier League, the ~~Americans~~ Royals of Reading FC, pulled off the surprise of the day with a crushing 3-1 victory over Liverpool. Fernando Torres could have set the tone with an early goal but he was unable to put in an easy attempt against American keeper Marcus Hahnemann. Subsequently, Stephen Hunt gave Reading the lead off of a penalty but Steven Gerrard (who else?) was able to equalize shortly thereafter. The Royals pounced in the second half with goals recorded by Kevin Doyle and James Harper (pictured). Liverpool sits fourth on the league table after giving up a sure opportunity to keep pace with the rest of the big four.

• Welcome to England, Sheva! Andriy Shevchenko's struggles to find his way in the Premier League have been well documented. Fortunately we may soon be past all of that unpleasantness. The Ukrainian mega-star returned to the Chelsea lineup in place of Didier Drogba and rewarded Avram Grant with a cracking header off of a useful cross from Salomon Kalou in the 23rd minute. Chelsea dominated all over the pitch but they were unable to notch a second goal against Roy Keane's Sunderland side until they were awarded a penalty shortly before stoppage time. Alex played quite well for the victors, but Claudio Pizzaro was sent off late in the match.

• Giggs! Ryan Giggs notched his 100th league goal with Manchester United, but it shouldn't really count because Derby isn't a real team. The Red Devils managed to give up a home goal to the league's worst team, but they scored four of their own. Ronaldo did Ronaldo things.