The Hammers played much of the game with just ten men after Mark Noble was sent off late in the first half with two yellow cards. Oh, and after two weeks (Ed. Note: I'm an idiot) this week they produced exactly zero shots on goal. So if you see a glow coming from Alan Curbishley's front door, it's nothing to worry about, just your run of the mill torch-wielding mob.

• Deco Leads the Way. Chelsea was victorious once again in the day's other match thanks to Deco's superb free kick in the fourth minute and a valiant effort from Peter Cech in goal. Wigan controlled the attack for the remainder of the first half, but were unable to capitalize on their multitude of opportunities. Michael Essien provided a boost to the squad just by playing the entire 90 minutes with a sore ankle, although Chelsea's world-class midfield didn't look nearly as sharp as they did a week ago. The win vaults Chelsea back atop the table over Liverpool, who have managed six points of their own despite playing like warmed over dog shit for two weeks.

• A Monday Night Party. There's just one match left in this second week of Premier League action as the Red Devils travel to Portsmouth for a Monday night (3 pm EST) affair. Perhaps that's where Berbatov is hiding!

Once again the Spurs find themselves in desperate need of a positive result, but a date with Chelsea at Stamford Bridge will make that quite difficult. It looks like Tottenham is headed for another disastrous start to the season, although they have the talent to get back in form.

• Down Go the Gunners! Arsenal came out flat again this week, only this time they were unable to secure three points, or even one for that matter. The Gunners fell 1-0 to their fellow Londoners from Fulham in the cozy confines of Craven Cottage. Hangeland, a Texan by birth and a Norweigan by the grace of God, put the Fulham on top in the first half when he converted a corner from Jimmy Bullard. Adebayor provided a couple of chances for an Arsenal side missing Cesc Fabregas only to see his shots sail wide of the bar, or straight into the awaiting arms of Mark Schwarzer. American favorite Clint Dempsey came on in the 77th minute for the victors, but the Cottagers weren't exactly in attack mode by that point.

• Some Love for the New Guys. Hull City earned a point with a 1-1 draw against the Blackburn Rovers, giving them four points to begin their Premier League campaign. Fellow Premier League call-ups Stoke City thrilled their supporters with a stunning 3-2 win over Aston Villa in the day's most exciting match. Somehow Mamady Sidibe managed to get his head on a long throw from Rory Delap to finally put the Villains away in injury time.

• Hull City FTW! Hull City made their debut in the top flight of English football in style with a 2-1 come from behind victory over a Fulham side that narrowly remained in the Premier League this season. It was a dream come true for the tiger striped supporters at KC Stadium who saw Caleb Folan come on in a tie game after the half to put the home side ahead for the historic win.

• What the hell, Spurs? By most indications Tottenham Hotspur appeared poised to reclaim a spot in the top eight of English football after last season's disappointments, yet they've gotten off to another unfortunate start. While it's just a single match in a long season, a road loss to Middlesbrough is obviously not Juande Ramos had envisioned. Berbatov remained on the bench while awaiting his seemingly eminent transfer, leaving Darren Bent and the newly acquired stud Giovani Dos Santos to start up front for the Spurs. Wheater scored the first goal for Boro before former Spur Mido delivered the dagger in the game's waning minutes. Huth scored in injury time to make things look a bit better, but the Boro got the three points with a 2-1 win.

• Ince's debut went well. The match of the day went down between Everton and their guests, the Blackburn Rovers led by new manager Paul Ince. The former star of Manchester United and Liverpool had to have liked what he saw from his club during their dramatic 3-2 victory. David Dunn started the scoring early before Mikel Arteta equalized for Everton before the end of the half. The Blues went ahead behind Yakubu's goal in the second half, only to watch Roque Santa Cruz answer back a minute later. Andre Ooijer played the role of hero with his 90th minute goal that ensured victory for Ince's Rovers.

• Ah, fuck! I was all ready to put this post to bed when Liverpool had to go and ruin a perfectly good draw. Fernando Torres put the Reds ahead in the game's final ten minutes after 80 minutes of scoreless football at Sunderland's Stadium of Light. Bollocks!

• Fulham continues to fight. The Cottagers got a goal apiece from Nevland and McBride to win for the second consecutive week, this time over a relegation rival in Birmingham. The two squads are joined by Bolton and Reading in a group of four teams in danger of joining Derby on their trip back down.

• Not everyone helped themselves. Reading needed a valiant effort against Tottenham Hotspur to stay out of the relegation zone, and it didn't go so well. Robbie Keane scored the contest's only goal, and Reading will sweat it out.

Phillipe Senderos scored an own goal in the 28th while Niklas Bendtner's tying goal came at the last possible minute. But the upsets today didn't come at the tippy top of the standings...

Manchester United 3, Fulham 0 — ...nor at the second spot. A field goal by Owen Hargreaves enabled Man-U to shave two points off Arsenal's league lead.

Chelsea 4, West Ham 0 — I guess when a team is out to prove something, a decisive four-goal victory isn't such a bad thing to accomplish. And if someone fancies to get a red card, it's probably best to do so after the first three goals have been scored, much like Frank Lampard did in the 35th minute.

Birmingham 4, Tottenham 1 — Relegate them, will you? Mikael Forssell netted a nifty hat trick against the Spurs as Birmingham is trying to scamper away from one of those relegation spots. The win helps, unfortunately...

Reading 1, Middlesbrough 0 — ... the Royals are equally shocking as they score a 90th minute goal on the road, maintaining keeping one point between themselves and Birmingham for that last relegation spot. This match also featured nine yellow cards, which just seems excessive. [Witty remark about soccer]

• Welcome to England, Sheva! Andriy Shevchenko's struggles to find his way in the Premier League have been well documented. Fortunately we may soon be past all of that unpleasantness. The Ukrainian mega-star returned to the Chelsea lineup in place of Didier Drogba and rewarded Avram Grant with a cracking header off of a useful cross from Salomon Kalou in the 23rd minute. Chelsea dominated all over the pitch but they were unable to notch a second goal against Roy Keane's Sunderland side until they were awarded a penalty shortly before stoppage time. Alex played quite well for the victors, but Claudio Pizzaro was sent off late in the match.

• Giggs! Ryan Giggs notched his 100th league goal with Manchester United, but it shouldn't really count because Derby isn't a real team. The Red Devils managed to give up a home goal to the league's worst team, but they scored four of their own. Ronaldo did Ronaldo things.