Draw helps Man U clinch third Premier League title in a row [SI]

Ronaldinho, Lionel Messi, Deco, Samuel Eto'o ... and Thierry Henry. I know who I'm playing with on FIFA 2008. It's not just that they're all good, but they all play so ... pretty. For the sake of my own television viewing ability, is there any way we can get them into the Premiership?

In other soccer action this weekend, the United States men's national team takes on Mexico tomorrow. On the line are the 2007 Gold Cup, an invitation to the 2009 Confederations Cup, and, I believe, Texas. It's an intense rivalry, the US vs. Mexico ... we sort of don't like them, and they hate us like we raped their sister.

For a seriously in-depth preview, visit That's On Point. They like our chances.

Au revoire, TH14 [That's On Point]
Goodbye Thierry, now let's move on. [Arseblog]
Tri, Tri again [That's On Point]

In the end, Wigan's staying up, and West Ham's staying up ... Sheffield is not, and Sheffield is pissed. In fact, the only people who seem to be okay with West Ham staying up are West Ham fans. Everyone else kind of hates them.

The League ruled recently that West Ham broke the rules in their signing of Argentine stud Carlos Tevez, and levied a $5.5 million fine against them, the largest in Premiership history. But it was just a fine, Tevez kept playing, and West Ham suffered no other penalty ... a ruling that was not warmly accepted by fellow relegation-strugglers Wigan and Sheffield.

And scoring the game-winner in West Ham's 1-0 win over Manchester United today ... naturally, Carlos Tevez. In fact, it was Tevez's play over the last month that single-handedly kept West Ham alive.

And speaking of that 1-0 win over Manchester United ... Sir Alex Ferguson had promised to play his strongest line-up in the game, so as to have the relegation battle decided honestly. And then he failed to start Cristiano Ronaldo, Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes, and Rio Ferdinand. Oh, and Ferguson is known to be old friends with West Ham manager Alan Curbishley. It's all very naughty.

And now, the whole thing is likely headed to court. Sheffield's already made it known that they intend to sue the league if they're relegated at the expense of West Ham. So there's that to look forward to. And check out That's On Point for a deeper and more qualified opinion of the whole thing.

Sheffield still looking at lawsuit [euFootball.biz]
Man Utd 0-1 West Ham [BBC]
Sheff Utd 1-2 Wigan [BBC]
Bubbles, Blades and Borussia [That's On Point]

I like the idea of awarding the title to the team that proves themselves the best through the entire season, but ... that's just about the perfect recipe for anticlimactic finish. Chelsea vs. Arsenal was a nice game, sure, but that's no way to cap a season. Now Wednesday's United vs. Chelsea clash has all the intrigue of the Pro Bowl.

So, this brings to an end Chelsea's expensive two-year reign as Premiership champions, and puts the title back in the hands of ... well, another team in the elite tax bracket. The two teams do play on the 19th with the FA Cup in the balance, so there's that to look forward to.

Chelsea draw Arsenal to hand title to United [Reuters.uk]

And the ladies get a look at handsome Cristiano's abs, too. So that's fun.

In other Man City news, Joey Barton, midfielder and crazy motherfucker, was suspended for today's game and the rest of the season after beating the hell out of teammate Ousmane Dabo earlier this week.

• Reading 0-2 Watford. Tough one for Reading. They're hoping to qualify for UEFA Cup competition, but were set back today by a loss to sad-sack Watford. The win doesn't do a lot for Watford, either, they've already clinched relegation. The Reading goal-scorers were Marlon King and Dan Shittu.

• West Ham 3-1 Bolton. West Ham pulls themselves out of the relegation zone with their 3-1 win over Bolton. They now officially suck less than Wigan, who dropped a 1-0 decision to Middlesbrough, and are now proud owners of a spot in the bottom three, along with Charlton and Watford.

• West Ham 1-0 Everton. The Hammers, meanwhile, earned a crucial three points in their own battle to stay in the Premiership. Their upset win today puts them at 32 points, but they still need to catch Sheffield United and Wigan at 35. They play Wigan a week from today... and not to point out the obvious, but the relegation system is a fantastic way to make late-season games between terrible teams interesting.

• Manchester United 1-1 Middlesbrough. We've got a little tension at Old Trafford. It's currently tied at 1-all, Manchester United's hands wrapped firmly around their own throats, with fewer than 10 minutes to play. They're putting on some pressure, but if they fail to get a go-ahead here in the next few minutes, Chelsea will have the opportunity to close their lead to just a point tomorrow when they take on Newcastle.

• Chelsea 1-0 Tottenham. Tottenham had asked Chelsea if they'd mind moving the game until Sunday, as they'd just played a UEFA Cup game 39 hours ago. Chelsea politely told them to stuff it up their Tottenholes, and came out today and won 1-0. The game's lone goal was scored on a beautiful strike by Ricardo Carvalho. Meanwhile...

• Portsmouth 2-0 Manchester United. Rio Ferdinand just scored in his own net to cap Portsmouth's upset of Manchester United, which does a whole lot to make the end of the season more interesting. The deficit between Chelsea and United is just three points now... wait, United just scored to make it 2-1, with 4:00 of stoppage time remaining. One second here... okay, now Manchester United's soiling of themselves is complete. Chelsea's just three points back, and Wednesday, May 9th is worth circling on your calendar.

Charlton 1-0 Wigan. The cheapest of wins for Charlton came on an 86th-minute Darren Bent penalty kick that moved Charlton just one point behind Sheffield United for relegation safety. For 85 minutes, Charlton and Wigan put on an exhibition of suck, until Charlton was saved by a weak little penalty call that went against Wigan.

Manchester United 4-1 Blackburn. Down a goal after sixty minutes of play, Manchester United finally rallied and righted the ship after Paul Scholes scored a nifty little goal in the 61st minute. From there, it was all United, and Michael Carrick, Ji-Sung Park, and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer all lit up the scoreboard.

The win puts United 9 points clear of Chelsea at the top of the table for the time being. And at the moment, Chelsea's on pace to tie Watford, the worst team in the league. It's scoreless, 75 minutes in. Eat Shittu, Chelsea.

Premiership Scoreboard [Soccernet]

That's Tottenham goalie Paul Robinson, wondering why it's so damn hard for anyone else to score a goal. He buried this one from 75 yards out against Ben Foster, who I believe had a bit of a smile on his face there before turning around and fishing the ball out of his own goal.

Robinson and Foster, incidentally, are both England goaltenders fighting for the same job. Foster replaced Robinson as the starting goalie in England's last friendly. This is going to be awkward.

Oh, sick burn [That's On Point]

• Chelsea 3-0 Sheffield United. Chelsea managed to keep pace, though, with a dominating win of their own over lowly Sheffield. Andriy Shevchenko managed to earn a little bit of his paycheck this week, scoring the opening goal and assisting on another. They remain six points back of United, with eight games remaining for each.

• Middlesbrough 0-2 Manchester City. Congratulations are in order for City, who, for once in this miserable season, managed to come out and not suck giant balls. Maybe they should play every week as if Stuart Pearce's job was on the line, they were just six points clear of the relegation zone, and the opposing side was resting their best players.

• Manchester City 0-1 Wigan. City, meanwhile, continues to embarrass themselves every time they take the pitch. They haven't won a Premiership game since New Years Day, and apparently didn't feel motivated to do so today. They looked hungover today. Wigan moves ahead of them in the standings, and City's very much a candidate for relegation. They're fourth from the bottom, just six points clear of Charlton for the last spot.

• Arsenal 2-1 Reading. The good news for Arsenal is that they're just one point back of Liverpool in the standings now, with two games in hand. It's not a bad consolation after losing in the Carling Cup final, and then getting beaten in the FA Cup. Gilverto Silva (on a penalty) and Julio Baptista were your scorers.

• Portsmouth 0-1 Chelsea. There are still ten minutes or so left to play, but Chelsea leads on a 12-yard first-half strike from Didier Drogba.

• Charlton 4-0 West Ham. West Ham fired manager Alan Pardew back in December... Pardew then was quickly hired by Charlton Athletic. Taking the vacated West Ham job was Alan Curbishley, who had spent the last fifteen years managing Charlton. Today, Curbishley took his West Ham club back into Charlton's Valley, and he got his ass handed to him by Alan Pardew. Curbishley's won once in ten Premiership tries, while Pardew was won three times in nine tries. What's it all mean? Not a lot, really... both teams are likely to be relegated.

• Liverpool 4-0 Sheffield United. Liverpool rested seven starters after beating Barcelona in a Champions League game earlier this week ... it's a shame, because at full strength, they might have hit double digits today. A couple of early penalties, both drawn by Steven Gerrard, both finished by Robbie Fowler, put Sheffield United in a bad place early.

• Chelsea vs. Arsenal. It's the Carling Cup final, and I don't know if Arsenal should even bother showing up, since Jose Mourinho is so fucking great. John Terry and Arjen Robben are expected to be healthy for Chelsea.

The team was in Portugal, training for an upcoming Champions League match with FC Barcelona. All the lads were out, boozing and having a good time. A few of the boys wanted to participate in some kind of karaoke competition. Bellamy, who does not fuck around when it comes to karaoke, wanted Riise to come up and sing, but Riise didn't want to because he can't carry a tune. Bellamy insisted. Riise refused. Bellamy continued to insist. The argument escalated, profanity and insults flowed. Eventually, they calmed down.

At about 2 am, though, Bellamy couldn't sleep. Instead of counting sheep or having a cup of chamomile, he opted for a less relaxing option... namely, picking up a golf club and looking for Riise. He found him, and started whaling on Riise's legs, insisting that Riise had belittled him in front of the rest of the team.

Bad. Ass. That may seem excessive to you, but I bet Riise will pick up the microphone next time.

And that may not even be the most interesting part of the story. There are other reports out there of over Liverpool players raising hell, with one being handcuffed for "attempting to headbutt a policeman."

Fuckin' guys know to how to party.

'Riise attacked by Bellamy' [ITV Football]
Bellamy allegedly attacks Riise with golf club after karaoke fallout [The Sports Frog]
Gangstas of Football: Craig Bellamy [116street Soccer]

• Chelsea 3, Middlesbrough 0. Kind of a similar story for Chelsea... not the smoothest football in the world, particularly in the first half, but it was good enough to blank Middlesbrough. Dider Drogba popped in two goals, and Abel Xavier was generous enough to give them an own goal. Both United and Chelsea have 11 Premiership games remaining, and they do play each other once more.

• Newcastle 2-1 Liverpool. Liverpool, the closest thing there is to a challenger to either United or Chelsea, lost their first game under American ownership. A 70th-minute penalty by Newcastle's Nolberto Solano did them in.

• Arsenal vs. Wigan. This one's tomorrow at 11 a.m., but I did want to make note of Arsenal's recent partnership agreement with the former Colorado Rapids of the MLS. I've read that they'd be changing their name to either Arsenal Colorado or the Colorado Arsenal, but their website indicates that they just got spiffy new uniforms that read "Rapids," so I guess they're stuck with the lame name. The teams will exchange friendlies, coaching tips, marketing information, and bundt cake recipes.

• Liverpool 2-0 Chelsea. If Manchester United can find a way to beat Arsenal tomorrow, they'll be a full nine points clear of Chelsea in the league standings... because Chelsea got their ass whooped today. Still troubled by some defensive injuries (heartbreaking, isn't it?), Chelsea went with Michael Essien and Paulo Ferreira as their center backs. That didn't work so well. Liverpool scored twice in the first 18 minutes.

• Reading 3-1 Sheffield United. Sheffield substitute Keith Gillespie enjoyed his ten seconds of playing time today. He subbed into the game, hit a fellow named Stephen Hunt with a forearm to the face, and then was thrown out. Not a bad day's work. Both coaches were thrown out in the ensuing argument, too. The above picture is of Sheffield United coach Neil Warnock, who is either reacting angrily to something, or engaged in a fight with Kevin Garnett.

Premiership Scoreboard

• Manchester United 3-1 Aston Villa. The Red Devils stayed six points clear of Chelsea by pounding weak and defenseless Aston Villa. Park, Carrick, and Ronaldo were your goal scorers, and they all came before halftime. It was the first goal of the year for Carrck, for whom United paid $18 million. Villa added one in the second half, for cosmetic purposes, but they are a terrible, terrible team right now.

• West Ham 3-3 Fulham. I was following along on the BBC's Premiership Clockwatch, and when this one went final, they said:

"West Ham manager Alan Curbishley could be getting reported for that as he launches a broadside at referee Graham Poll as the referee walks past him on the touchline to a chorus of jeers from the home fans."

• Manchester United 3-2 Reading. It was the Cristiano Ronaldo show for United, as he set up Ole Gunnar Solskjaer for United's first goal, and then scored on a Solskjaer rebound for the second goal. Before the game, Sir Alex Ferguson was given a silver trophy because he's turning 65 tomorrow. Someone somewhere owes Joe Paterno a big fucking trophy.

• Bolton 3-2 Portsmouth. And who's third in the standings behind Man United and Chelsea? That would be the Wanderers of Bolton, who beat Portsmouth this afternoon. If their fifth straight win, propelling them ahead of Liverpool and Arsenal. Arsenal can catch them if they win the late game this afternoon, but they do currently trail sad-sack Sheffield United 1-0 late in that one.

• Arsenal 6-2 Blackburn. Both Blackburn goals came from Shabani Nonda, while the Arsenal goals came from... just about everyone in the damn building who showed up in a red shirt.

• Manchester City 0-2 Bolton. City's Joey Barton was sent off with a red card late in the game after a vicious two-footed tackle attempt. Credit him for making it off the field without showing anyone his "real nice tight one." City now find themselves just two points out of the relegation zone.

• Wigan 1-2 Chelsea. It's not quite over, but Chelsea has a one-goal lead in the second half. They typically don't let go of those things. Lampard and Kalou are your goalscorers for Chelsea, while Emile Heskey is on the board for Wigan.

• Charlton 0-3 Liverpool. Meanwhile, Liverpool passed both of them in the standings, putting a beating on Charlton today. Xabi Alonso, Craig Bellamy and Steven Gerrard were the goal scorers for Liverpool, who move into third place. Charlton, meanwhile, has just 12 points to show for their 18 games this season, and probably shouldn't get comfortable in the Premiership.

• Both Manchester United and Chelsea have games scheduled for tomorrow. United against lowly West Ham, and Chelsea against middle-of-the-table Everton.

• Shevchenko is pussywhipped. Silvio Berlusconi, president of AC Milan and former prime minister of Italy, doesn't feel like Andrei Shevchenko knows how to handle his woman. Shevchenko left Milan for Chelsea on the off-season, his wife possibly being the reason behind it. "A true Milanista and a real man would not have behaved like this. At my home I'm in charge and decide what happens. Instead, when Shevchenko's wife shouts, he runs under the bed like a lap-dog." Ah, that old-world Italian charm. He sounds like John Witherspoon in Boomerang.

And yes, that's Shevchenko and the wife in the picture above. I'm siding with him on this one.

I love how goalie Tim Howard just stands there, helpless, thinking to himself, "Well, if you're going to do that, I'm just screwed, aren't I?" I don't know why he was so surprised, though, it's not the first time Matt Taylor has done such a thing.

Also today, Chelsea salvaged a tie with Arsenal this morning, getting a 35-yard bomb from Michael Essien in the 84th minute. Chelsea's got a game in hand, but trails Manchester United by 8 points.

Matt Taylor - Holy fuck.... [Sports Frog]