Now, if you just cried out, "What are you talking about? Of course it's real," please leave. Now.

This is an actual lede in the Daily Telegraph, the largest paper in Sydney:

Wrestler Hulk Hogan has been badly injured after a violent bloody brawl broke out at The Hulkamania promotional press conference at Star City today.

Oh, it gets worse. The paper goes on to breathlessly report that

[t]he press conference veered violently out of control today as Hogan and ring rival Ric Flair let their animosity break into a full-scale bloody brawl.

Sydney Central's photographer Phil Rogers has his flash broken when Flair threw a table off the stage and into the press gathering before diving on photographers. See the photo of the Hulk.

Media were stunned as Hogan's head began bleeding profusely and confusion broke out when the veteran wrestling star was unable to get to his feet.

Journalists narrowly missed being struck with the table and photographers ducked and weaved as Flair took off his trouser belt and began to whip anyone within range.

Not once is there even a wink to the audience that this was anything less than a premeditated assault in broad daylight, and Flair ought to be prosecuted for it. I considered that perhaps Australian sarcasm is so finely tuned as to elude us boorish Americans, but then I read some of the comments on the story.

These guys get seriously worked up about their sport! I hope Terry "The Hulk" Hogan is OK to wrestle. Ric Flair is a goose. HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK

Welcome to Sydney the lawlessness continues.

Ric Flair should be charged.

is this a gee up or is this for real

While Flair may or may not be "a goose," I'm pretty sure this was a "gee up." Ahh, Australia: same language, different planets.

Hulk Hogan Injured In Bloody Sydney Brawl With Ric Flair And Media [Daily Telegraph]

He's also received a tryout with the Pittsburgh Steelers, and was once though to be the man who would bring legitimacy to pro wrestling. So what's he doing on the Howard Stern Show reciting fractured love poems to Robin Quivers? Some things you need to know about this that I didn't:

• Angle is nuts, but apparently not in a fun Mickey Rourke kind of way.
• Quivers is Howard Stern's longtime sidekick.
• She's lost a bunch of weight.
• Angle played a racist prison deputy in the 2008 movie Chains.

An excerpt from a poem Angle read to Quivers:

I won a gold metal in the Olympics
they say I never have been beat
I am also a gold medallist in the sack
much better than vegetables and meat

We can go to the theater
we can roll around in the grass
we an get coffee at starbucks
but don't try to squirt it up my ass

Whoa Shakespeare, that'll do.

She turned him down, I'm told; quite a gutsy move for a newly-single girl. No Angle's no longer involved in the WWF, or the WWE. But he is a big star in Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. Not to mention New Japan Pro Wrestling. He also owns many colorful singlets.

Is Kurt Agle The Next Wrestler To Go Crazy? [Bleacher Report]
Leaves 'Em Quivering [New York Daily News]

One place I'm pretty sure there won't be a premiere: Iran, which has banned the movie. So I'm all for giving Harvey Milk his due, but is there any doubt that Rourke deserved the Best Actor Oscar over Sean Penn? Penn always looks like he's acting. As we see here, Rourke never does.

Fun Fact: Wrestle Jam '88, the Nintendo game played by Randy the Ram in the film, never existed: Until producers requested a fully functional game for the film. Which means that kid has the all-time high score, I guess.

Photo: Associated Press.

Celeb Pix: Run Angelenia Jolie, Run! [Contra Costa Times]
The Wrestler [The Will Leitch Experience]

The facts as we know them: Chris Jericho punched a woman outside Save-on-Foods Memorial Centre after a World Wrestling Entertainment Raw Live event on Sunday in Victoria, British Columbia; which was captured on a cell phone camera and posted on YouTube.

The Vancouver Sun:

One witness said she saw the 225-pound wrestler spit in a woman's face after she approached his white Chevy Tahoe and castigated him for losing the heavyweight championship to John Cena. With spit dripping down her face, the woman started hitting him, said Darshan Stevens, who watched from about a metre away. Jericho turned and punched her in the face, she said.

The woman who was hit, 20-year-old Ashley Levey, said the altercation began when her boyfriend, Kalen Johl, heckled Jericho as he drove through the parking lot. Jericho got out of his vehicle, Levey said, and made a derogatory comment to Johl, who is South Asian. She said Jericho pushed Kohl first. Levey called Jericho a racist, so he spit on and punched her, she said.

What, no full nelson face buster?

Fun facts: Jericho (real name Chris Irvine) is a Canadian citizen whose father, Ted Irvine, played in the NHL on four teams.

Pro Wrestler Chris Jericho's Fight With Fan Hits YouTube [Vancouver Sun]

Employees at La Lanterna, 23 Grey Oak Ave., called Yonkers police at 9:45 p.m. and when they arrived James Fullington, 45, aka "The Sandman" was still flinging glasses from a tray at employees, Yonkers police Capt. Daniel Daly said today. As police moved in to stop him, the 6 foot 4 inch and 280 pound Fullington threw several glasses at the officers.

Two police officers, Jessica O'Dell and Frank McDonald of the First Precinct, suffered cuts to the hands and arms. Fullington, a resident of Wayne, Pa., was finally subdued by police and charged with second-degree assault, a felony, third-degree criminal mischief, a felony, second-degree reckless endangerment, a misdemeanor, and resisting arrest, a misdemeanor.

Anything sadder than a former wrestler, now in his mid-40s, starting a drunken brawl in a Yonkers bar on a Sunday night? Anything?

Wrestler Known As The Sandman Arrested In Yonkers Assault [The Journal News]

Mayweather came back to the ring — with Wight's assistance — after an early onslaught, then used some help from his cornermen to get a metal folding chair (with which he landed a series of shots) and a pair of brass knuckles (which he snatched off a fallen cornerman's necklace).

Still less cheating than a typical Tyson fight.

Mayweather "won" the match, but here are the statistics that interested me: Attendance 74,635, WWE-record live gate at Orlando's Citrus Bowl of $5.85 million. And no telling how much pay-per-view revenue. Jesus, WWE; don't give Selig any ideas.

Mayweather Gets Pretty Payday In Another Ring [Los Angeles Times]
So 'Money' [SI.com]
Mayweather Knocks Out Big Show At WrestleMania {Muskegon Chronicle]

The Titans received a court order saying Jones can't fake wrestle, which is to take place on Sunday on pay-per-view. To the best of my knowledge, the court order says nothing of real wrestling. Rulon Gardner anxiously awaits.

Seriously, Pacman, why even try to make any sort of appearance on a cable channel not named the NFL Network? I mean, some households actually get pay-per-view television. If it's danger you're a-jonesin' for, there's always sword swallowing, walking on burning coals, BASE jumping, and having Navin Johnson's wife throw knives at the balloon in your mouth. And none of those dangerous, thrilling sports compete with the NFL Network, because it's all televised on stunning bootleg HDTV.

Titans Don't Want 'Pacman' Wrestling [AP/Forbes]
Will They Make It Rain On Pac Man's Face? [127.0.0.1]

"The idea that 61 million subscribers can grab a photo off the site and text to their friends, 'Stone Cold Steve Austin is back,' is huge," said Shane McMahon, WWE executive vice president for global media, and occasional on-screen character. This site, which is accessed through Cingular phones, gives mobile surfers video clips, and WWE-themed ring tones and wall paper.

We're not quite sure what a "WWE-themed ringtone" might be, but expect multiple Lance Cade video clips to your inbox as soon as we sign up.

Cingular Slams Mobile Portal With WWE Stars [Yahoo! News]