Sure, it's a crappy cell phone video, but the I feel the underwater sensation only adds to the crushing pathos evident in this poor man's struggle. He is all of us, drunk and alone on the subway in the middle of the night, wondering if beauty and truth can ever exist in this world again. Uh ... metaphorically speaking, that is. I certainly don't know anyone who has ever acted this way after getting thrown out of a Dunkin Donuts in Murray Hill because they wouldn't serve you a box of assorted Munchkins just before closing time.

Anyway. Sorry about the game, pal. Tough break.

A True Fan [i Spot a Story]

* * * * *

That is all for today. Let me take this opportunity to say that I regret having been a sports fan in the steroid era, because I would have really preferred to not have to listen to all these apologies. Enjoy the Monday Night Nothing tonight....

Rodgers claims the bite happened in the middle of a scrum last October.

Yeah, he bit me through my long sleeve that I was wearing," Rodgers said, looking down at his left arm. "There wasn't a whole lot of words spoken. I looked down and my arm was hurt and it felt like a bee sting. I was looking down and he was biting my arm so I had to get his teeth off my shoulder. Luckily I was wearing a long sleeve so I don't know if he actually (broke the skin). I had a bruise for the rest of the season. Other than that I was good."

Milwaukee Journal Sentinel columnist Greg A. Bedard went through the tape, and did find once instance where Rodgers came up from the bottom of a pile pissed off at Tapp, and walked away holding his forearm. But Tapp's not buying it.

It didn't happen. I know me personally, if someone were to bite me, I wouldn't wait a whole year to bring it up to somebody to get it handled. That's all I'm saying about it."

He even gave a demonstration to the assembled press, attempting to get his teeth around a reporter through his facemask and mouthguard (see pic here). So what really happened last year will remain a mystery, although Deadspin's crack video team has put together a reenactment of how we think it went down:

Rodgers Says Seahawks DE Tapp Bit Him [Milwaukee Journal Sentinel]
Tapp Still Frosted By Accusation He Bit Packers' Rodgers [Seattle Post-Intelligencer]

Let's just be clear on this—if you thought Bill Belichick was a moron for going for it on 4th-and-2, then you're going to have a hard time justifying an onside kick when your team is ahead by two with four minutes left. The kick failed (even though it probably shouldn't have) and the Packers got eight quick points out of it. Just because Green Bay left exactly enough time for Ben Roethlisberger and Mike Wallace to score a game-winning touchdown, that shouldn't be enough to get Tomlin (and us) off the hook for seven days of recriminations from angry ex-football players. But it will.

Let's review the talking points we heard the last time around:

Play the odds!: Actually, because the kick was "unexpected," the numbers support Tomlin, just like they did with Belichick. So maybe he's really a mathematical genius?

It's a sign of disrespect to your defense! Tomlin pretty much admitted that this is exactly right. He knew that if Green Bay got the ball back, they were going to score. So if they just got it over with quickly, then the Steelers might have enough time to put their own points on the board. (They scored the winner with zero seconds left.) So is James Harrison picking up the pieces of his fragile psyche this morning?

Hubris! If a fourth down try is going all in, an onside kick is like putting your car keys on the table and then texting your wife to find out how much is left in Junior's college fund. Cojones.

He's sending the league a message! No one ever used a kicker to send a message. Not even Jeff Reed.

So where are Trent Dilfer and Tedy Bruschi this morning? Sleeping in apparently, because the Steelers won the game. The decision is exactly the same. He "thought" his team would pull it off, they didn't and it cost them. Just because Peyton Manning understands end-of-game clock management better than Aaron Rodgers, that doesn't change the fact that it was a silly call that nearly ended Pittsburgh's season. Yet, Tomlin will receive exactly 0.6% of the vitriol that Belichick got for an equally gutsy/stupid/brilliant/egotistically insane play.

Four more seconds and everyone would be calling him a fool today. That's sports for you.

* * * * *

Here are some other winners who did not win quite as big:

Snow plow drivers: You're getting time-and-a-half for this, right?

Joshua Cribbs: Two (very sexy) 100-yard kickoff returns and had a higher QB rating than Brady Quinn. (Cribbs was 0-1, proving what a tremendously useful statistic quarterback efficiency rating is.) The worse Quinn gets, the more points the Browns score. Have they considered breaking his fingers?

Drew Brees: Eh, who needs 19-0? All it gets you is an extra t-shirt.

Arizona Cardinals: Defending Super Bowl losers are back in the playoff saddle after miraculously overcoming a Drew Stanton-led comeback. They might still have a few kinks to work out.

Any AFC team that is still 7-7: Guess what? You're all going to the playoffs! It's all thanks to the NFL's Mediocrity Outreach Program.

The Weekend Loser?: Carl Landry, who had to undergo five hours of dental surgery after Dirk Nowitzki broke or knocked out five of his teeth. On a play Landry got called for a foul on. Relax! Landry will be eating Christmas turkey through a straw, but Dirk's elbow is going to be fine.

At a Wisconsin National Guard camp outside Baghdad, detainees have learned the effectiveness of bringing up number 4 in taunting the soldiers. How this wasn't specifically covered in the Geneva Convention, I'll never know.

They know Favre by name," said First Lieutenant Tim Boehnen, who is from New Richmond, Wis.

"One of the big words they know now is shenanigans. They'll constantly talk about 'Favre shenanigans,' 'He's so good for the Vikings,' and 'The Packers have got to really feel bad about that one.' "

"They obviously then started up the conversations, and started talking about Brett Favre. They soon learned about Favre going to the Vikings, and things just started going downhill from there."

Detainees are reportedly also bringing up Ryan Grant's diminishing YPC average, showing soldiers the Aaron Rodgers Sack Tracker, and teasing them about drafting Greg Jennings when Brandon Marshall was still on the board.

Detainees at Camp in Iraq Use Favre To Tease Wisconsin Soldiers [WTMJ]

I know, I know. You've had enough of the Gunslinger and all the duct taped t-shirts created in his honor. But this post should put a stop to all that because it is pretty much impossible to find a more impressive—or more fitting—memorial to the entire Brett Favre-Green Bay-Minnesota saga than this. A purple Firebird Trans-Am adorned with No. 4 decals and a "We Love You Man!" sticker on the back bumper has been spotted in, of all places, Green Bay, Wisconsin. This is the definition of perfection.

You may also rest assured that the tipster who took these photos can confirm that man behind the wheel of this beauty "took off, tires squealing." Is there any other way to drive an automobile like this? I say no.

I'm just going to go ahead and assume that Def Leppard was blasting out of the stereo as well.

[Photos via Mike C. of Green Bay, WI]

* * * * *

Welcome to Wednesday. Are you getting it?

Yes, yes. He did it. Kid out there. Just loves the game. Vintage. Classic. Like old times, etc. We got it. Brett Favre is not an incompetent football player. Of course, neither is Aaron Rodgers. If only Favre hadn't personally sacked him 14 times, the Packers just might have pulled it off. Maybe next time.

But what does the internet think?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

My favorite part of last night, though, was when Mike Tirico could not stop raving about Adrian Peterson's handshake ("the strongest hands you'll ever find") while simultaneous having to admit that "All Day" fumbles more than any other running back in the league. You could almost hear his brain grind to a halt as he tried to reconcile those two ideas. I guess a football is slightly larger than Mike Tirico's hand. (But not as silky smooth!)

* * * * *

Anyway, that's the end of the Favre talk (from me anyway), but it's just the beginning of our Tuesday. Let's do it.

So take a nap and eat a hearty dinner, because the hype and hyperbole will be as thick as the bullshit that Brett Favre and his many biographers shoveled in our faces all summer. (Not that I'm taking sides!)

Anyway ... Vikings-Packers. This is IMPORTANT, PEOPLE! When you see your loved ones tonight, give them a big hug and don't let go. Me? I'm probably going to read Mitch Albom's new book and think about all the regrets of my life. It's a long list.

Courage.

* * * * *

Thank you for continued support of Deadspin Airlines.

How did they get those coveted seats anyway? Well, it seems that a certain showboating wide receiver purchased them on their behalf. When Chad Ochocinco announced his intention to jump into the Green Bay crowd—a feat others have tried and failed at—three Cincy fans offered to be his welcoming committee. So Chad hooked them up with tickets and, fortunately for him, he picked the right end zone. So yeah, they weren't there by accident. It's like I don't even know what to believe anymore.

By the way, you probably knew this already but the Bengal Backers confirmed that all the Packer fans sitting around them were perfectly lovely and polite toward the interlopers ... except for this dude.

Now that I believe.

Threesome made Bengal's Lambeau leap possible [Milwaukee Journal Sentinel]

1. Oh, well aren't you just the perfect little franchise? I can' t tell you how many times I've been told by people that the Green Bay Packers are all that's right with the NFL. They're publicly owned. They're nestled in an all-American small town. They ride children's bikes during training camp. They play outside in the cold. They love their fans and their fans love them back. They're the ideal of what an NFL franchise should be, a perfect communion between a team and a town. Indeed, they're the NFL team you SHOULD be rooting for.

Well, FUCK YOU IN THE FUCKING ICEHOLE, GREEN BAY.

Oh, you think you're so flawless with your little shareholder stakes and your Vince Lombardis and your Lambeau Leaps and your Super Bowl titles. Well, I say you people are nothing but a bunch of arrogant, slovenly cakestuffers who use your franchise's supposedly nice qualities to be insufferable pricks. "Oh, we're from Wiscaaansin! We're small town, uncomplicated folk! WE'RE SO PURE!" Die. Die in a fucking blizzard. I've seen you Packer-rooting slobs in bars all across this country. YOU FUCKING DISGUST ME. You're no better than the asshole Jets fans, or the asshole Eagles fans. You're just as loud and obnoxious, but you think you can get away with it because your franchise has such a sterling reputation. I call bullshit. I saw a thirty-year-old in a bar once brag about Bart Starr. Like he ever saw Bart fucking Starr play.

Now, I root for one of the Packers' main rivals. And the Vikings franchise is as diametrically opposed to the Packers as it gets. The Vikings play in an impersonable shithole. They're owned by a New Jersey mall magnate who will almost certainly move them. They pump in phony crowd noise during games. They haven't won dick. They fuck on boats. They are NOT the Packers. And you know what? I'm glad. I'm glad the team I root for has yet to give me some bullshit excuse for me to act like a pretentious fuckmouth whose team represents some sort of lily-white American pastoral that doesn't actually fucking exist. The Green Bay Packers are the team Sean Hannity fingerbangs his own ass to at night. FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOUR CHEESE.

2. And fuck your stupid tundra. Again, we find ourselves stuck with a horrible, Berman-perpetrated football meme that has spread across NFL broadcasting circles faster than Cowherd's rectal warts. It's not tundra. It's not taiga. It's barely even fucking grass. Lambeau's turf is made from DD Grassmaster, which combines natural grass with artificial grass fibers you find in Field Turf. OH NO! IMPURE! IMPURE! AVERT YOUR EYES! I'm sick of every goddamn broadcaster treating Lambeau like it's goddamn Uluru. "It just pops out of the land as you drive in! It's so majestic! This place IS football." Whatever. Fuck that joint.

3. All that said, they're gonna be pretty good this year. Last year, the Packers went 6-10 despite outscoring the opposition by 39 points, the kind of statistical anomaly that foretells a quick turnaround. To accommodate Dom Capers' 3-4 defense, they drafted giant DL BJ Raji and LB Clay Matthews, a son of NFL royalty. Offensively, the team is fucking loaded, with Aaron Rodgers consistently getting better and Greg Jennings an absolute beast catching every ball thrown his way. Jennings is both a deep threat and a skilled possession wideout, and Rodgers gets the most out of him. Ryan Grant is back and healthy. This is the team I picked to the win the Super Bowl this year. It's less of a reverse jinx than it is me trying to look like a smarty pants fuckface asshole.

4. The readers have their say. From reader Sir Loin:

I spent 8 miserable years living behind enemy lines (just ask my ex-wife), and here is what I can tell you about the Green Bay Packers: Their fans are the most self-righteous, fat bags of shit I have ever encountered in my life. Permit me to plead my case…

Here is the conversation I endured every fucking time someone asked me where I was from:

DSPF (Dip Shit Packer Fan): So where ya from??? (Proceeds to shove entire bratwurst into their mouth)

Me: Minneapolis

DSPF: Aww… Minnesooota der hey… So you going to become a Packers fan, er no?(Said while spitting chunks of bratwurst and saurkraut on their Favre jersey that's 3 sizes too small)

Me: FUCK NO!

DSPF: Well why not? You're in Green Bay now don't ya know? Home of the greatest fans, the greatest coach, the greatest quarterback, the greatest stadium and the greatest team ever to grace the National Football League. If fact, your team is lucky that the Packers allow the ViQueens to even be in the league. You should be thanking me right now. (Drinks half a can of Old Style)

Me: If you moved to Minnesota, would you become a Vikings fan?

DSPF: Oh gosh no, I'm an owner of the Packers… I have my one share to prove it. (Pulls laminated share of Packers "stock" out of their Pope hat with Vince Lombardi screen printed on it) I would never turn my back on the greatest team, with the greatest fans, the greatest quarterback, the greatest coach, the greatest stadium in the National Football League.

Me: Then you understand why I'll stay a Vikings fan.

DSPF: How many championships has your team won?

At that point I'd just break the deer antlers off the Pope hat and beat them senseless with them…

And reader Roy:

Aside from the Mustard yellow and snot green uniforms, the Packers also suck because their fans suck. These have to be the most pretentious know-it-alls on the planet. Yes we all knew Brett Favre was God, (puck) but YOU knew it before any of us. YOU knew it when he was sitting on the bench in Atlanta and you willed it to Ron Wolf to go and get that country boy, land baron and he'd lead you to 5, wait 3, oh sorry ONE title in his 17 years. Wow that is a God.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. We've got the AFC North, AFC East, AFC West, and the Rams left to go.

The woman told the mechanics that she planned to take the goat to St. Paul and then slaughter it, but decided she need a quick tune up in Winona, Minnesota, first. That's over 100 miles away from her destination. She left the car for service—with the goat still in the trunk—and when mechanics opened it up they saw that the goat had been painted purple and had a No. 4 shaved into its side. Then about an hour later, they realized that this was odd behavior and called animal control.

It is not known at this time if the woman was planning to kill the goat as a sacrifice to the new Viking chieftain or as part of some psychotic Packer vengeance ritual. Winona is on the Wisconsin border, so it's possible the woman in question is a Cheesehead. However, there is concern that her brain may actually be made of cheese, because her skull is obviously pretty soft. What kind of lunatic puts a live goat in a trunk like they're in some farmland version of Goodfellas? Come on, Midwest. This isn't helping your cause.

By the way, the animal was confiscated and turned over to a vet for foster care, sparing him his humiliating fate.

Everyone has handled the Brett Favre comeback differently. Some weep, some curse ... and some paint a live goat purple and gold, shave a "4" on it and then drive it 150 miles to cut its throat before the gods of football. Whatever gets you through the night.

Repair shop finds goat in car trunk [Winona Daily News]
Crazy Minnesota Fans Paint Goat Purple and Gold, Shave No. 4 into it, and Shove it in a Trunk [The Big Lead]

Surely earning hazard pay, I scoured the Rants and Raves sections of Cheese Country. As usual, some language is decidedly NSFW, and, as always, everything is highly [sic]ed.

•"WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU BRENT!!!(douche bag)"

• "This year I'll be cheering when he throws a pick instead of swearing so much it would make Oliver Stone blush. This year I'll be jumping for joy when he gets sacked instead of gasping. Unfortunately, I will likely be cursing Favre for winning games for his team this year instead of cursing him for losing games for mine. I hope I'm wrong, although I follow enough football to doubt that I am.

• "Hearing that his jersey is still being made in green and gold makes me sick.. Now instead of going through narcotic with drawls he is going through media with drawls, not having his "name" praised every damn day in the football world! Just proves he'll do anything to hear his name!! I hope they BOO his ass out so fucking loud the day he steps on the Packer's field!!!!!, I know I will be one of them BOOOOing!!"

• "I am a Viking now because I am a Brett Favre fan. Aaron Rodger doesn't play to play. He plays for the fame, money and chick. He is one ugly sack of shit. Brett Favre will always be number 1. I hope Green Bay gets creamed and then Ted Thompson and the rest of those dumb@$$e$ will realized what they have lost."

• "I want to say that I am sorry to the Vikings and their fans. It is not their fault that some idoit thought that Brett still had anything left in him. You know what they say there is always next year. The Jets are so greatful that they may have a chance at the Superbowl now that their has been quarterback is gone. Now all the Vikings need is Michael Vick and T.O. and they would have a first class has been low life team that goes no where but to jail or home to cry!!!!!"

• "brent favre hes over the hill and a waste of space vikings are pathetic if they sign him up, his time has come and gone"

• "Hey asshole.....you wanna boo someone.....BOO TED THOMPSON...HE IS THE FUCKHEAD WHO SAID NO TO BRETT ! GO PLAY SOMEWHERE ELSE JUST NOT WITH ONE OF OUR RIVALS.....I WOULD BE PISSED TO ! He named that useless piece of shit Rodger's before training camp last year. TELL ME....HOW THE FUCK YOU NAME A STARTING QB BEFORE TRAINING CAMP ...HOW ?????? SOME OF YOU PACKER FANS HAVE NO CLUE OR A ACCEPTABLE IQ TO EVEN BE A FAN OR MUCH LESS POST ON CRAIGSLIST ! I HOPE THE FUCK THEY BLOW THE PACKERS OUT BOTH GAMES.....THEN GUESS WHAT.....CAN YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M THINKING ? MAYBE THEN THEY WILL FIRE THE WHOLE BUNCH OF THOSE IDIOTS IN THE OFFICE ! START WITH TED THEN MARK....AND GET RID OF MIKE AS WELL. 6-10....AND WE MIGHT GO 8-8 THIS YEAR...NO GOOD UNACCEPTABLE ! UNDERSTAND !"

• "Well I was going to be generous and predict a record of 8-8 for the Packers this year. Now, however, Brett Favre is back so that's two guaranteed losses to the Vikings. I'll say they'll get lucky somewhere else and end up with a 7-9 record. Before any of die-hard douche bags start bitching and predicting a Super Bowl run please realize that both these records are an improvement on last year."

• "You never shit in the back yard you grew up in and never shit on your neighbors who have been good to you."

And, from Chad Ochocinco:

"Retiring and coming back is my new celebration, the only thing I can do and not get fined for!!!! After every touchdown I'm calling it quits."