•They found Sidney Crosby's stick! Supposedly it was "accidentally" marked for shipment to the International Hockey Hall of Fame in Russia. Apparently the Russians were planning to hold it hostage in exchange for Rudolf Abel.

•In what was essentially a play-in game, Notre Dame topped Seton Hall behind a healthy Luke Harangody. See, we don't need to expand the tourney. We already have a thrilling week of "Who will finish above .500 in the Big East and make it in?"

•Dan Orlovsky signed a photo of his immortal self-imposed safety "I'm just an idiot." You remember that play, right? No? Do you even remember Dan Orlovsky? Maybe if the photo was him holding a clipboard instead of a football.

•Also in the collectibles market, we have a Hooters menu signed by Tiger Woods. This was signed way back in 1996, when Tiger probably thought those girls were out of his league. Actually, looking at his recent mistresses, Hooters waitresses might still be out of his league.

•An MSU player on probation for that fraternity brawl received an extra 30 days of alcohol tests after he "posted a Facebook message about drunk texting." Lord knows what sanctions I'm facing after posting about an article written about him posting about drunk texting.

(Screengrab of...some mascot thing on SportsNation thanks to Luke.)

•••••

Thursday morning got you down? Say hello to the Mc10:35. You're welcome.

The day started in Chicago, where we flew before driving to South Bend for the afternoon's game, one of the last of the season. Both teams were positively dreadful, entering with matching 1-9 records. Still! A Notre Dame football game is a Notre Dame football game, we thought. It was worth the trip. So we woke up too early and started off toward Notre Dame, carrying enough pre-game hope to rationalize the journey. Ninety minutes later, someone noticed an ominous sign on the right side of the road.

"Uh, why does it say Welcome to Michigan?" he asked, pointing to the "Welcome to Michigan: Great Lakes, Great Times" sign.

Perhaps the times were better over there. I'll never know. Because as we turned around and ventured back into Indiana, our luck only got worse. In a parking lot teeming with wasted college students, a plain-clothed cop, wearing a black crewneck and cargo jeans, cited me for nursing a beer underage. When I tried to pawn off our extra tickets, both of which had a face value of around $20, I was forced to settle for a $10 total sale; scalpers around me were hawking off their tickets for free. As we found our wooden bleachers on the side of the end zone, the 35-degree weather and gusting winds grew lonely and called for a driving rain to join the party. The desolate scene dulled even the Golden Dome.

Then the football started and Touchdown Jesus, lurking behind the stadium, turned away in horror.

The first 10 drives ended with: missed field goal, punt, punt, missed field goal, punt, punt, punt, punt, turnover on downs, fumble. The last two failures were particularly torturous. Going for it on fourth-and-17 — yes, fourth-and-17 — Jimmy Clausen lobbed a pass to a wide-open Robby Parris. The ball smacked him in the chest, and he dropped it, flubbing a touchdown. The Notre Dame diehards around us continued their grumbling, and when Duke fumbled in Irish territory six plays later, we joined them in bitterness. We were wet and cold, and after trekking out to the middle of Indiana, the score was 0-0 with two minutes left in the half. But everyone in our shivering section, no matter their school affiliation, felt united in misery. We were rooting for incompetence, because it was the only thing worth recognizing with cheers. We found solace in solidarity.

Notre Dame proceeded to win, 28-7. The Irish locked arms to sing their fight song, and the seniors threw marshmallows at each other and did whatever it is people do when Notre Dame wins a home football game. I've tried to forget most of that day, except for one choice quote, one fan's sudden epiphany as offenses and defenses swapped places yet again.

"This might be the worst football game I've ever seen," he yelled. We roared in giddy agreement. It was a beautiful moment.

Now, keep yours coming.

Several Bearcat players expressed their anger with Kelly after being told of his departure for Notre Dame before last night's football banquet—hours after the rest of planet already knew. Their annoyance seems to come not just from the fact that they were the last group to be told (after being promised that they would be first to know) or that he's abandoning them before the biggest game in school history, but because many players were led to believe—by Kelly himself—that he wasn't going anywhere.

Receiver Mardy Gilyard—who days ago was convinced that Kelly was staying—left in the middle of the team meeting where they finally learned of the decision, telling reporters he was "disgusted" at a situation he called an "injustice." Quarterback Tony Pike said that just a week ago (before their pivotal game against Pittsburgh) Kelly was gushing to the team about how much he loved the school and had no plans to leave. Tight end Ben Guidugli used the phrase "turning his back on us." Defensive end Alex Daniels angrily vowed to "show you all that we were the ones out there doing it" and Kelly was "just calling signals." So you're saying there won't be bon voyage cake?

Some would say that the the Bearcats are just being naive and this is simply a part of big time college football. Others might say that lying to your players right up until the moment when you walk out on them is underhanded and petty. Gilyard, for his part, says that he gets it. Kelly made "a business decision," but that doesn't mean he has to like it.

"I feel like there was a little lying in this thing, I feel like he's known the whole time. I kind of had a gut feeling that he was going to stay because he told me he was going to be here. But it is what it is. He made a business decision. I'm old enough to know that's what the business is now ... That shouldn't be the way the game should be played. Cincinnati is still Cincinnati without BK."

"Hopefully he packs his things up and gets to South Bend in a hurry."

Brian Kelly leaves Cincinnati to become coach of Notre Dame [Cincinnati Enquirer]
Kelly new coach at Notre Dame, players salty [News Record]
Bearcat players last to know Kelly was leaving for ND [WNDU]
Cincinnati Bearcats rip Brian Kelly as he leaves to become Notre Dame's new head coach [New York Daily News]
Brian Kelly first acknowledges being ND coach on Twitter [Past The Press Box]

Kelly has turned three minor schools into football powers (relatively speaking, of course) and like any good coach, he has apparently done it with a mixture of fear, intimidation and humiliation. So he's perfect. The only comment worth making at this point is to direct you to this glowing tribute to Kelly from the Elkhart Truth that gives Irish players a little tease of what's in store.

The players were never confused about who was in charge at Grand Valley, Staley said. During the '03 season, Staley was interviewed by the campus newspaper — about "something really minor," he said — and Kelly spoke to him about it afterward.

"He knew about it and he was there," Staley said, "and I don't know if he was listening or what, but I remember after the conversation I was walking back to the locker room and he passed me and he grabs me by the shirt and kind of pulls me up to him so we were eye to eye, and he said, 'Staley, I want you to remember one thing.' He goes, 'You have four touchdowns. You could have 10 if I wanted you to.' And then he walked away.

"I was like, 'What the heck?' He wanted to make sure that every player knew he was in control. That's really what it comes down to. And everybody knew that and everybody had respect for him and he was a phenomenal coach." [Emphasis added]

Of course, it's a fine line between one man's phenomenal, respected coach and another man's unemployed rageaholic. Good luck with those realistic South Bend expectations, though!

Kelly to be next coach [South Bend Tribune]
Media Uninvited From Bearcat Banquet [WLWT]
Ex-player Kelly will '100 percent turn the program around' [The Elkhart Truth]

I, for one, will be sad to see him go, because Weis was a living monument to the hubris and folly of his school and its supporters. (For example, this book was actually written and is still available for sale via their ESPN.com clubhouse page.) Just seven games into his first season as head coach, Notre Dame handed Weis a nonsensical ten-year contract extension lashing themselves to his rather prodigious anchor until 2015—despite the fact that the coach he replaced had an identical record at the same point the year before (and also started 8-0 in his first season) and was fired for it. Five years later, he finished with a lower winning percentage than that previous coach and his team has become a punch line. It will now reportedly cost the school around $18 million just to run him out of town, while they naively cling to the belief that the Fighting Irish name alone will be enough to persuade A-list college coaches to ditch their actual successful programs to come run this terrible one. Good luck with that.

However, I will mostly miss him because his teams were lousy and I enjoyed watching them lose.

Source: Notre Dame fires head football coach Charlie Weis [NYDN]

The first comes from the South Bend Tribune:

The 22-year-old junior from Westlake Village left the restaurant/bar without incident initially, the source said. But Clausen's date forgot her purse inside. The two went back into get it about 2 a.m., and as they were leaving, Clausen's date was pushed by a man outside the bar.

Words were exchanged between Clausen and the man, the source said. Clausen pushed the man away, with his hand landing in the man's neck area. The man then punched Clausen in the eye, and the two wrestled on the ground for a few seconds before the fight was broken up.

Police were called to the scene, in part because of that incident, in part because of some other skirmishes going on at the establishment. No arrests were made.

The second comes from emailer "Ted":

Hey guys-

I'm sure you're already all over this, but there's a lot of chatter on the Notre Dame message boards about the Jimmy Clausen incident. Some first-hand accounts are saying that the story being peddled to the public is straight BS - that Jimmy got beat up for throwing a drink/slapping another dude's girlfriend. I have no idea if any of this is true or not, but let's be honest - with that spiky hair, Clausen looks just like the kind of guy who would do something like that. Anyways, here's hoping you all get some honest to God firsthand accounts of what actually happened. I somehow doubt Jimmy's parents were still out with him at 2 in the morning, and how does one sucker punch lead to two black eyes?

Ted

For the record, one broken nose can easily bruise both eyes, but that's neither here nor there. Finally, an unsourced version comes out of the ether:

According to my son (Tim), here's what happened early Sunday morning.

Tim was sitting at the bar next to Clausen's brother and his wife. (He thinks it was Casey Clausen, 6-5 250+) Casey goes into the bathroom. Tim starts chatting up his wife. He said something funny enough to her that got her laughing at him (not sure how he did that). When Clausen's brother comes out, he sees Tim and his wife laughing and figures Tim is seriously hitting on her. He goes up to them and starts into Tim. Both Tim and his wife try to calm him down. He doesn't go for it. Tim said he grabbed his arm and told him to relax...that turned out to be a big mistake.

Clausen's brother then grabs Tim by the collar and starts lifting him out of his chair. (At this point Tim feels he's in pretty big trouble). As he's dragging him outside, Jimmy Clausen sees them and yells across the bar to take Tim out and beat the crap out of him. Jimmy is about to reach them when, out of the blue, some big drunk kid bursts in front and sucker-punches Jimmy three times. Jimmy is on the ground. Mike Ragone (ND tight end) then jumps in, pulls the guy off Jimmy Clausen and tells his brother to let Tim go. By this point Clausen's brother had dragged Tim almost to the door. Ragone was finally able to convince him to let Tim go.

Every one settled down and went back to drinking. The Clausens hung around. Tim (in a fit of brilliance) moved to the other side of the bar.

About an hour goes by, and the Clausen's get up to leave. Apparently, Jimmy went outside, and another drunk kid gives him a hard time. They get in a little 'skirmish', but its broken up and everyone goes home.

Tim never did get the name of the kid who punched Jimmy, but he owes his un-broken nose to him. I think my son learned a little lesson in risk and reward...

You might find it interesting that Theories One and Three do not necessarily contradict each other. Feel free to factor that into your decision making. If anyone finds any other explanation, leave them in the comments or email us and we'll post those too. The truth is out there, people.

[Photo via JimmyClausenOnline.org]

UPDATE: Another one. Question everything!

Got the word from a legitimate source in South Bend. And by legitimate I mean my (ND student) brother's cable guy was an eye witness to everything that happened in the parking lot at CJ's. Basically Jimmy is out in the parking lot waiting for his brothers when some fan decked out in ND gear (probably an Eastern Michigan alum) informs JC that "he sucks". Clausen told the guy he was a jackass/asshole and to back off, to which the fan responds "I should hit you in the face right now". JC then says "oh yeah", then gets hit with a right.

Also:

The employee said off-duty South Bend police officers were working at the bar providing security, which is fairly common there.

"If anything had happened inside, we would have handled it," he said. "No one was accosted inside." [ESPN]

According to the bartender at CJ's Pub in South Bend, Clausen stopped by the watering hole after Saturday's crushing double OT loss to the Huskies. He was there with his family and other upperclassmen teammates following the Senior Day game. There may also have been "a female acquaintance" with the party. As Clausen tired to leave the bar around 2:30 a.m., there was allegedly some sort of disturbance with an irate fan who then "sucker-punched" Clausen, giving him "at least" one black eye. That's gotta suck.

No police were called so details of the incident are sketchy and no one seems to know what happened to the mysterious puncher. My theory? It was Olympic gymnast Alicia Sacramone. Hear me out. See, she used to date a football player from Brown University, but recently traded up for another Brown—Cleveland Brown Brady Quinn. The last Irish starting quarterback before Clausen arrived on campus? That's right ... Brady Quinn.

Quarterbacks. Irish. Browns. Sacramone. It all connects! Sort of like a well-placed punch to the face.

Case closed.

David Kaplan report: Clausen in fight outside South Bend bar [Chicago Breaking Sports]
Jimmy Clausen involved in altercation outside a South Bend, Ind., bar [Chicago Tribune]
Source: Notre Dame Fighting Irish QB Jimmy Clausen punched by irate fan [Joe Schad]
Brady Quinn's New Girlfriend Is Alicia Sacramone [Larry Brown Sports]

University officials have pointedly declined to offer any endorsements of Weis, and he himself hasn't acted particularly confident he'll be back: Weis canceled his press conference Sunday, after yet another loss. So it's no wonder Irish fans are eagerly jumping into that other South Bend tradition of speculating on who the next coach is going to be.

But the school has taken away one of their favorite tools. Long have fans used flightaware.com to track the progress of a certain Cessna Citation with the tail number N42ND. But try to look up the school's jet now, and here's what you get.

Now officials can fly in and wine and dine the head coach candidates at their leisure, secure in the knowledge that it won't be all over the message boards the next day. And Weis can sleep a little easier, not having his failure tracked in real time. Make no mistake, though; he's still gonna get shitcanned.

But maybe it's not his fault! From a letter to the editors of the Cincinnati Enquirer:

Notre Damers, quit picking on coach Charlie Weis. There is nothing he can do because it's out of his hands. God has intervened and is repaying Notre Dame for bestowing an honorary degree on pro-abortion President Obama.

Notre Dame Football: Questions, Answers That Will Frame Weis' World [South Bend Tribune]
God Punishing Notre Dame [Cincinnati Enquirer]

•Tony Gonzalez (and a strategically placed Mrs. Gonzalez) go naked for a PETA ad. Think it's ironic someone on the Falcons, of all teams, to do an anti-fur ad? Well, it's not; Michael Vick never wore fur.

•The Raiders are actively cooperating with the NFL of Tom Cable's Punch-Out!! because they hope to be able to fire Cable "with cause," and not have to pay him. Or they could keep him on staff, and not have to pay any assistants whose careers he ends.

•A Notre Dame assistant called out Navy's head coach for his postgame comments and repeated chop blocks. Never mind the fact that it was Veterans Day; any team who tries to cripple the Fighting Irish will always have the public's sympathy.

•Jimmy Rollins and Shane Victorino win Gold Gloves. They're obviously not talking about batting gloves.

•In a battle of teams named after primary colors, the Red Wings demolish the Blue Jackets 9-1. But if they could somehow combine forces, they would blend into the Purple Parrots, the absolute best team on Legends Of The Hidden Temple.

•Jim Riggleman "wins" the hotly contested Nationals manager sweepstakes, and will sign a one-year contract. Second prize, obviously, was a two-year deal.

•Finally, we've got Duke recruit Kyrie Irving starring in his high school production of High School Musical:

Look at these two Notre Dame fans, who were so thrilled to feel the turf under their feet before their beloved Irish took on USC this weekend. Let's get a picture! With a real life college football player in the background for some "color."

So do you think they knew that sophomore tight end Blake Ayles was giving them the 'ol double deuce all along? Or was that just a pleasant surprise waiting for them when they checked their camera later?

The USC Trojans: We got your school spirit right here.

[Photo by Nick Shelton via Facebook]

* * * * *

How was your weekend? Did you see "Where The Wild Things Are," the first kids' movie designed to make you hate childhood? No wonder there are so many nine-year-olds on Prozac these days. Sheesh. Lighten up, Francis.

The billboard—which reads "Best wishes to Charlie Weis in the fifth year of his college coaching internship"—sits directly above the Linebacker Inn, a charming little watering hole just spitting distance from Notre Dame Stadium. Since the message was signed, "Linebacker Alumni," most assumed that the bar was the one responsible. According to BlueandGold.com, however, there's only one linebacker responsible—Tom Reynolds, a "seldom-used" backup from the Ara Parseghian days who has no apparent affiliation with the bar. Money well spent ... butt-head!

Weis, for his part, was philosophical about the whole thing.

"I'm the head coach at Notre Dame - I mean, welcome to my world," he told WSBT News at his pre-game press conference Tuesday. "Tell ‘em thanks a lot for wishing me best wishes. I heard about it, I haven't seen it and we'll just leave it at that."

Ahh, the "jerk is a tug, a tug is a boat" defense. Well played.

Controversial billboard blasts Weis [South Bend Tribune]
Ready To Roll [Blue and Gold, fourth item]
BEST WISHES TO TOM REYNOLDS IN THE 65TH YEAR OF HIS HUMAN INTERNSHIP [Her Loyal Sons]
Charlie Weis billboard suggests Notre Dame coach has room for improvement [Chicago Sun Times]

The preseason AP poll came out today and against all logic, the Fighting Irish (a weak 7-6 last year) are No. 23. (Same as the coaches poll.) They return all 11 starter on an offense that wasn't that good, but their schedule (as usual) is a joke. They only have four true road games and get their two toughest opponents at home. The rest are the dregs of the major conferences and the always pesky Navy. They could easily get nine wins against this group and 11-1 isn't inconceivable. And because they're Notre Dame, that would actually be enough.

The scenario Holtz depicts sounds ludicrous on it face, but I can actually see it happening. Watch them slowly climb up the rankings, until one day in December you wake up and they're No. 2 or 3 in the country. No one will believe that they deserve it and you will pull your hair out in frustrated disbelief, but it won't matter. Notre Dame gets what it wants.

Or Charlie Weis will eat his playbook before the Michigan game and they'll go 3-8. It could go either way.

But McMackin quickly realized he had made an oopsie, so he preemptively declared that he was misquoted in stories that had not yet been written with a quote that was in no way taken out of context. By doing so, he repeated the slur twice more. He asked the dozen-or-so beat reporters in the room to cover for him; if they didn't, he said he would just deny it. The digital recorders were running the whole time.

Soon after, McMackin returned to the podium and tried again to make things all better.

"I want to officially, officially apologize," he said. "Please don't write that statement I said as far as Notre Dame. The reason is, I don't care about Notre Dame. But I'm not a — I don't want to come out and have every homosexual ticked off at me. You know what I mean. Because I don't have any problem with homosexuals. But I apologize for saying that and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't run that word. If you said dance, that's OK. But don't use the bad term that I chose, please. Thank you."

Of course, in coming back to the mic, McMackin all but assured himself of the blanket coverage he dreaded. Some good apologizing does — it forced him to repent again.

"I would sincerely like to apologize for the inappropriate verbage, words that I used," he said. "… I'm really ticked off at myself for saying that. I don't have any prejudices and it really makes me mad that I even said that and I'm disappointed in myself. … What I was trying to do was be funny and it's not funny and even more it isn't funny to me. I was trying to make a joke and it was a bad choice of words and I really - I really, really - feel bad about it and I wanted to apologize. I'm going to apologize to my team. I'm going to apologize to the people in Hawaii."

On another note, after he slipped up for the first time, McMackin went on to describe the best ha'a he had ever seen: "They're on their chairs. They had beads on, they're ripping the beads off. It was a little scary." Sounds... actually, let's not go there. Don't want to be misquoted.

Hawaii coach uses gay slur at media event [Idaho Press-Tribune]
Idaho coach uses gay slur in reference to Notre Dame [Idaho Statesman]
McMackin slip creates controversy [Star Bulletin]
Warriors coach apologizes [Honolulu Advertiser]

A team of Notre Dame legends trekked over to the next potential-maybe-or-maybe-not hotbed of football to play the country's national team, and — get this — the Golden Domers managed to escape from Tokyo with a 19-3 win, giving Notre Dame a 1-0 record against Japan. I'm sure it's an accomplishment worthy of the media guide, but it won't show up on Charlie Weis' page. No, because this win belongs to Holtz, who slobbered out plenty of what he thought were lauding words for the losing side.

Mr. Holtz, known for his effusive praise of opposing teams, lauded the spirit of the Japan side, saying Japanese football had improved greatly and that the national squad had played at the level of a mid-major Division I-A college football program.

"Getting a compliment in defeat is somewhat meaningless," said Kiyoyuki Mori, Japan's national team coach after the loss. "It's not about moral victories."

Sounds like a Notre Dame kind of guy.

The Fighting Irish Take On Japan [Wall Street Journal]
Vickers leads legends by Japan [South Bend Tribune]
EARLIER: Notre Dame Desperately Wants To Beat Someone At Football