It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy..

Due Diligence Is A Two-Way Street

ok so its 2:03 AM central time, and im watching sportscenter. right after the cavs/ magic highlights, they cut to rachel nichols, but in the 2 seconds of transition, someone in the studio can be heard loudly cutting the cheese and the awkward look on her face is priceless as she tries to play it off. i wish i knew how to transport from my DVR to my computer, but im sure you guys will be able to find someone who can put this on the best sports site there is. oh and if you cite me on deadspin (especially the wake up!), my buddy frank would hate me forever, so please make this happen.
-waldo

ME TO ESPN OPERATIVE:

Please investigate.

ESPN OPERATIVE'S SURPRISINGLY QUICK RESPONSE:

Ive reached an all time professional low...absolute rock bottom...but I actually watched the video (don't get used to me chasing down every fart you think you hear or smell)>...and no it wasn't the gas passed..please..

(Photo: courtesy Don Chavez)

Okay, Then Why Did You Send This In Again?

Hey!

So, I know that Deadspin does softball injuries but I thought I'd send this in. On Monday (Memorial Day) I was coming back from my friends house down the street. I was starting to see double and clearly thought that it would be a great opportunity to see what I am made of on my Longboard Skateboard. So I made it pretty far, having the nice crisp air on my face as I'm cutting through the streets. I get to a large hill and figure hey, I made it this far, lets see what I'm made of. As you can imagine, I started down the hill and uh oh... Got the speed whobbles and totally bit it on the pavement. Luckily I threw my hands down to protect my face and head. I ended up getting the skin on the entire lower part of my palm ripped off, arms are cut up, side is cut up, knee is cut up. I ripped my shorts in half, put a hole in my vans, and broke my watch. NJ Hills: 2 Me: 0.

Ah, Hockey Fans

SUBJECT: THIS IS WHY BASEBALL PLAYERS ARE PUSSIES

You think Stevie Y taught this team about HEART check this out!

Jonathan Ericsson underwent an emergency appendectomy Wednesday after suffering abdominal pains following the Wings' morning skate.

Ericsson had surgery at 3:30 in the afternoon, but still made it to Joe Louis for the 7:30 puck drop.

Damn :o

This Interview Should Go Well

An Unapproved Commenting Message To The Class of 2009

So More Pink Phallic Things. Got It.

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

Could This Be Brett Favre?

hey guys,
I watched the E:60 video on Gregg Valentino and after it was done I looked at the comments page and found this gem:

*
devilandthelord says:
Wed Apr 29 2009 15:18:17
I would just like to say one thing about the first minute or so of the video. I would like to sleep with Rachel Nichols. She's not perfect, she's even a little goofy looking. But darn it if I don't want to bone the bejesus out of her.Rachel, if you read this, call me.

I attached a screen cap in case ESPN pulls it.

Now That's Downright Inspired

Hey guys.

Avid reader. Thought you might be interested in posting this:

It's a hip-hop song called DIRGE NOWITZKI about a killed-and-then-reanimated, marauding Dirk Nowitzki, followed by a somber Spanish guitar piece sung from the perspective of Juan Carlos Navarro.

I'm a Boston area rapper and producer and I release songs under the name Father Abraham at http://52pickup.us. My goal is to release one fully produced song per week for all of 2009. DIRGE is the 14th of these songs. It's pretty insane, and I think it will make for a halfway fun post. The link I sent you is to the radio edit, so it ought to be safe to air.

If you're interested in showcasing it, please credit The Young Dads, a comedy pop duo from NYC, (myspace.com/theyoungdads) with the spanish guitar outro - we collaborated for this one - and please link back to my site.

Best
Abe

So You're Saying A-Rod's A Good Tipper?

Just read your post about the A-Rod book. While I do not know anything about his alleged steriod use, I do know about his tipping prowess. In case you didnt know, Hooters adds 15 percent to all of their checks, even if you just order a soda. Not a lot of people tip more on included gratuity. However, I work in a restaurant that doesnt add gratuity and have waited on A-Rod a few times. Each time he has left at least 20 bucks, regardless of the bill total. Unrelated to his tipping, I had a great encounter with A-Rod a few years ago. While standing outside a local bar near where A-Rod lives, me and my buddy saw A-Rod cross the street and trip over the curb. He had to catch himself at the last second before totally falling on his face. We started to point and laugh at him and he turned around and glared at us. When I yelled I was a Red Sox fan and was just busting his balls, he made his arms into a cross and gave us a double finger, which probably hadnt been done by anyone in at least ten years and probably hasnt been done since.

Wait — A Clarification

I shouldve clarified. Ive never had a bill with ARod more than 90 bucks. Ive had a few 50-75 checks with him. Hes a good tipper. Hes got a lot of stupid questions, but hes a good tipper.

She Looks Like Quite A Dancer

Pics from last night's Canucks game in Vancouver:

Step 1: Drunk chick dancing by herself in front of a band

Step 2: Drunk chick loosening up a bit

Step 3: Drunk chick flashes bra. (Sadly, gets shut down by security before taking it to the next level.)

Love You Too, Mom

AJ, just a reminder, your aunties, Anne and Chris along with Connie will be at Becco tomorrow (5:00 reservation) before venturing off to Jersey Boys. They would be thrilled if you popped in. Luv Ma

Speaking Of Moms — Gourmet Spud's Should Stop Having Sex With Larry Johnson

Via BallerAlert:

Ladies if you are located in the Miami Beach/South beach area or just wherever this baller is. I plead with you to beware of Larry Johnson of the Kansas City Chiefs. He recently bought a condo this summer in Miami and is the talk on many known groupies lips who are known to have STD's.

It's sad but true, I got herpes from him. We had unprotected sex when we were drunk once after a crazy club night, he gave me head and I returned the favor.

I have soars on my mouth and my vagina and my ass.

posted by ba_anonymous

I work up at [redacted] in Milwaukee, obviously covering the favre crap very closely. Rachel Nichols is on his plane to Mississippi and you can now track it from our website or from FlightAware.com (tail number n475dh). Obviously, I am so amused by how much this diva is getting media coverage, just thought you'd want to know about Rachel being on his plane.

Wonder if she actually has a seat or if she's hiding in the luggage compartment?

Get Away From Me Rachel Nichols! [Deadspin]
Favre and Nichols Plane Ride [FlightAware]

Update: The fella that emailed us the first time around appears to have received some conflicting information: Pretty much, we aren't positive she got on that plane. The video doesn't seem to show whether she got on or not. Regardless, she has amazing access that other reporters do not.

Sorry for the misconception. We just aren't sure, and I don't want you guys reporting false info. But anything I hear, I will continue to leak since you guys deserve it more than this station.

Thanks! And Booooo! Apparently Rachel Nichols is still in Green Bay. Can't they make a Nichols Tracker so we can spot her location at all times?

ESPN's red-headed spitfire Rachel Nichols is in four of them, dutifully following Favre from his post-McCarthy meeting exit up until he steps inside his red Escalade. Not seen in the photo gallery? Nichols throwing herself on the hood of the car and John Clayton popping up in Favre's backseat as he drives away.

Favre Leaves Lambeau Field [Green Bay Press-Gazette]

We didn't realize that Rachel was actually the daughter-in-law of director Mike Nichols, which makes Diane Sawyer her stepmother-in-law. That might freak us out a little bit.

Also, she was once one of Esquire's Women We Love. So that's an honor.

So: Do you like the Rachel Nichols? Do you not like the Rachel Nichols? We're all ears..

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Ladies who someday wish to grace the sidelines of a major sporting event, take heed: Your knowledge is primary, of course, but you'll also have to be somewhat attractive. This is not breaking news, mind you, but each year it seems more and more women are realizing that just because they know how to read box scores or can talk intelligently about a game, they're still required to be completely boneable to the drooling masses.

Take Playboy's America's Sexiest Sportscaster award. Granted, it might be an honor that many female sportscasters don't necessarily aspire towards, but consider this: Playboy has no repeat nominees. So, each year, Hefner and company has to find a new batch of lady jock-yappers to be scrutinized by discerningPlayboy readers.

One person who's obviously gotten the memo? Linda Cohn. In the last month, she's started blowing out her hair and finally seeing results from her Pilates classes. She's gone from looking like an elementary school special needs teacher to a substantially hotter elementary school special needs teacher. So, if you spot Cohn exiting the Bristol offices and a pack of screaming, limping kids wearing biking helmets are following her, don't' be alarmed: She's not being chased by zombies; she's just wearing Spanx.

I am probably one of the last men on earth under the age of 50 who still has a Playboy subscription, so that's the only reason I'm aware of this contest. I still read the joke page even though I heard most of them when I was seven, and still look forward to each month's pseudo-celebrity photo spread. Take this month, where the holy haunches of Kim Kardashian are triumphantly unveiled. For the first time in a while, this is actually a photo spread that's worth the $8 newsstand charge. Those of you out there who are hiney-obsessed, you'll be overjoyed.

But until Ms. Kardashian's bulbous bottom starts interviewing athletes and coaches, she's not up for the award.

So this week, I'm cashing in my Sephora gift certificate, dusting off my inner-outer thigh machine and placing odds on some of the nominees for Playboy's Sexiest Sportscaster of 2008.

Let's deform my face, then shake my skull cap. MORE.

Jeanne Zelasko: 3/1

She's probably the favorite, if Playboy's Viagra-chugging demographic were to actually take the time to finally figure out how to turn on their little-used computer. Zelasko's got that whole Kathy Lee Crosby thing rockin', and plenty of older, white World Series viewers probably took one look at here and thought, "Now, there's a lady whose stockings probably smell good." Plus, she doesn't seem terrified of Kevin Kennedy, who resembles most of Playboy readers.

Rachel Nichols: 2/1

Here's a tough one. Most guys under the age of 35 see Nichols pop up on ESPN and their like "Hey, that looks just like the girl from back home who gave me a handjob in the broom closet at that Bar Mitzvah I went to when I was 13," and get turned off. But then, the more you see her on screen, you start thinking back on that glorious day a little more and, before you know it, you're standing in your kitchen over the trashcan with a handful of Palmolive peeking around the corner so you can watch Nichols interview Reggie Bush. She's got fans. Nobody will admit it, but they're out there.

Colleen Dominguez: 4/1

She's the perfect woman for those early 40-ish dudes who actually pay for tanning salon memberships and express their abundance of self-confidence with an extra dollop of hair product. So, she's probably the favorite of the Steve Lavin-look-a-like set. Thing is, she is legitimately beautiful, but seems unapproachable because you know she's only interested in getting hit on by greasy assholes who wear obnoxiously large wrist watches.

Erin Andrews: 1/3

She's clearly the favorite, who's become the erection-inducing siren to the Shanoffian hordes of internet sports stalkers. Only problem is, many may feel slighted by her indifference towards her message board love letters and could express their hurt feelings by voting elsewhere. If Andrews were smart, she'd stop chasing around Pat White for mindless post-game sound bytes and just pose in a goddamned bikini already. Don't fight it, Erin. It's time to show the world that God was a studious craftsman with your body.

Anyway, we only bring up Nichols because PopJocks compiled a list of odd facts about SportsCenter anchors, and we found out that Nichols is the daughter-in-law of film director Mike Nichols, which makes her the stepdaughter-in-law of Diane Sawyer. It all makes sense now. Also, Kenny Mayne was once Randall Cunningham's backup. News we can use.

Some Fun Facts About Your SportsCenter Personalities [PopJocks]