-Jim Rice's number retired at Fenway, which really should have been done without waiting for him to be elected to the HOF. But it's not the first time the Red Sox fielded a black guy only after the rest of MLB did.

-Michael Phelps loses a race! But because it's swimming, and it's not the Olympics, no one gives a shit.

-First team up in the Michael Vick sweepstakes? Your Baltimore Ravens. Second team up? No? No one?

-This is a little absurd. Mark Buehrle stayed perfect into the sixth inning, retiring an MLB-record 45 straight batters. He lost the game. Welcome to Chicago.

-Wang to have season-ending surgery. That means a temporary end to sophomoric headlines like "Wang to have season ending surgery."

-At least we still have sophomoric headlines like "Giant's Johnson has torn rotator cuff!"

-The Madden 10 soundtrack listing is in. Final score: Rock 18, hip-hop 7.

So dominant was Johnson that before a game in 1993, the home plate umpire told Mariners catcher Dave Valle, "They don't even need you with Randy pitching."

"What are you talking about?" replied Valle, who would not name the ump.

"He's so good they don't need you. Let me call the pitches tonight."

"I let him call every pitch." recalls Valle, to whom the umpire whispered pitches under his breath.

An overpowering Johnson went the distance in a Mariners victory.

This is of course wildly implausible, and very likely in the same vein of charming but plainly obvious bullshit as the famous tale about catching Greg Maddux with your eyes closed. But let's assume for a moment that it's entirely true. Who was the ump? Verducci gives us enough clues — a complete-game victory in 1993, with Dave Valle catching — to whittle the list down to these seven guys:

Jim McKean, vs. Boston, April 21 (Johnson's line: 4 hits, 0 ER, 8 strikeouts)
Tim Welke, vs. Cleveland, April 26 (7 hits, 3 ER, 7 strikeouts)
Dale Scott, at Oakland, May 16 (1 hit, 0 ER, 14 strikeouts)
Ken Kaiser, at Toronto, Aug. 20 (3 hits, 1 ER, 11 strikeouts)
Joe Brinkman, vs. Milwaukee, Sept. 5 (5 hits, 2 ER, 13 strikeouts)
Ed Hickox, vs. Texas, Sept. 21 (3 hits, 0 ER, 11 strikeouts)
Drew Coble, at Minnesota, Oct. 1 (9 hits, 2 ER, 7 strikeouts)

Let's toss Coble and Welke, Johnson being a notch below dominant in those starts. It's doubtful that an ump would want to dick around with either a pennant race (which eliminates Hickox; the Rangers were four-and-a-half out at the end of the day) or a no-hit bid (which absolves Dale Scott; the A's didn't get a hit until the ninth). Two of the remaining three presided over fairly tight games.

And the other one? Well, first of all, it should be said that the moral of the story here is that Dave Valle is very probably full of beans. But if I had to name a suspect, I'd go with Jim McKean, who umped Johnson's 5-0 shutout in April and who in 1993 tied a record by calling the 10th no-hitter of his career (he is now retired). According to his Wikipedia page, McKean claims to have played in something called the Canadian Football League, which is highly suspicious because everyone knows that no such league exists.

Randy Johnson Will Grind Your Bones To Make His Bread [Sports Illustrated]

Yesterday, Craig Biggio celebrate the announcement of his end-of-season retirement by hitting a grand slam. Nice. Randy Johnson, on the other hand, is frustrated — so unlike him! — and is openly talking about never playing again.

Johnson, we understand, because he's 43 and built like Uwe Blab. But Biggio, Biggio will be eternally young for us. We know his skills have faded, but that doesn't mean we can't struggle to come to terms with the fact that we remember when Craig Biggio was a young catcher, and now he's too old to play. Which makes us too old to do lots of things.

Is This The End For Randy Johnson [Lion In Oil]
Game Hero [Crawfish Boxes]

• Randy, Plain And Tall. This "VHTF" item on eBay is an absolute steal at the Buy It Now price of $5.69, so we would advise picking one up if you have the means. It's the Big Unit action figure, of course, and it won't be on the market long after his stellar effort on Tuesday; a one-hitter over six innings in Arizona's 3-0 win over Colorado. Please note, however, in the auction details: The piece is in MINT condition, with some very minor shelf wear on the packaging. Just like the real thing! Actually, Johnson is 43, which means that if you take him out of his plastic case his legs and/or ams could pop off at any moment. Oh no ... the cat's got his head! But on Tuesday all of that was forgotten, as Unit struck out nine and walked none for his first win since returning to Arizona after two seasons with the Yankees. The Rockies' one hit came on Willy Taveras' bunt single in the fourth. Well OK, that's it. Back in your package, you big magnificent cranky stork-man.

• Prince Humperdinck Is Not Impressed. King Felix is back, but may we be the first to say that the emperor had no clothes last evening? Wait, wait, we're mixing our regal metaphors here. Let's just say that Ichiro Suzuki's five hits bailed out Hernandez, who returned from a 26-day absence to go an erratic 3 2/3 innings in Seattle's 11-3 win over the Angels.

• Life, Rafael Furcal, And Everything. Scientists have recently discovered clusters of cosmic dark matter that give us a clearer picture of what's going on billions of light-years from Earth. Yet incredibly, we still can't determine why Rafael Furcal has eight hits in two games against the Cardinals. Furcal (hitting .214 just a week ago) had four hits on Tuesday to lead the Dodgers to a 9-7 win.

• I'm Not Listening! La La La La La La! We were talking with a friend on Tuesday who absolutely refused to let us comment on the Brewers' strong season so far, claiming all sorts of jinx nonsense. When we persisted, our friend covered his ears and ran off down the street. What kind of lunatic behavior is that? But then we checked the box scores and found this: Philadelphia 4, Milwaukee 3. Carlos Ruiz hit a solo homer with two outs in the ninth at the exact moment we were talking with our friend.*

• Cubs Win! Comic Book Guy: "Last night's John Maine start was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world."

* = Not really. At that moment we were going through a car wash.

What's coming up in the world of minor league baseball ... we proudly present you with Rick Chandler's Minor Enterprise!

Hmm, it's somewhat unclear as to whether the First Annual CNBC Minor League Baseball Logo Awards have concluded, or are still taking nominations. The Montgomery Biscuits logo (above, center) is listed first in the article, so they might have won. But author Darren Rovell asks people to write in, so go there and Rock the Vote, I guess.

The CNBC list includes some of the classic minors logos, such as the Jamestown Jammers (above, left) and Montgomery Nuts. Conspicuously missing, however, are some of our favorites, such as the Williamsport Crosscutters (above, right, single-A New York Penn League), which reminds me less of minor league baseball than it does a tragic logging accident. Also sadly absent: The Lancaster JetHawks (Single-A California League), Batavia Muckdogs (Single-A New York Penn League), Wilmington Blue Rocks (Single-A Carolina League) and Aberdeen Ironbirds (Single-A New York Penn League). We'd also like to nominate the Tucson Sidewinders (Triple-A, Pacific Coast League), but only if Randy Johnson is wearing the hat (photo after the jump).

On to the upcoming promotions:

• Caddyshack Night. Saturday, April 21, Augusta Greenjackets (Single-A, South Atlantic League). Come to the game dressed as your favorite character from the movie! (we choose Spaulding Smails). Also, the first 1,000 fans get a Greenjackets cap. Act fast, because after the first thousand, you'll get nothing and like it!

• Stubby Clapp Day. Saturday, April 21, Memphis Redbirds (Triple-A, Pacific Coast League). I always get a kick out of those last-minute Stubby Clapp Day shoppers.

• Second Chance Night. Saturday, April 21, Fresno Grizzlies (Triple-A, Pacific Coast League). After admitting Tank Johnson and various members of the Cincinnati Bengals there may not be many tickets left, but the Grizzlies are giving away seats to fans who bring a traffic violation to the ticket office and pledge never to make the same mistake again. Matt Leinert, party of four! "The Grizzlies are also excited to offer FREE admission to all probation officers (with valid identification) for their valiant efforts in providing second chances to those in the community who have committed more serious misgivings." Music for the evening will be provided by artists who may have been given an unfair shake the first time around. Also, a "Mug Shot Slideshow" is in store, and losers of on-field contests will be temporarily placed in holding cells. See you at will-call.

• First Day Of Shorebird Hunting Season. Friday, April 27, Hagerstown Suns (Single-A, South Atlantic League). If you missed McDreamy Day on Thursday — which included the scrubs fashion show and dramatic medical spelling bee — don't fret; the Suns have something wonderful planned for you on this day. Exactly what, I have no idea. But I bet it tastes swell with basil and cumin. — [thanks to Ryan Mock].

• Mascot Of The Week. And speaking of things you want to shoot, we give you Cosmo (above, right), the mascot for the Las Vegas 51s (Triple-A Pacific Coast League). Meesa think someone gonna get sued!

• Bobblehead Of The Moment. Diocese Night. Wednesday, April 25, Corpus Christie Hooks (Double-A Texas League). The first 2,500 fans will receive a Bishop Carmody Bobblehead doll; the faithful likeness of the venerable local clergyman that all the kids have been clamoring for.

We want your minor league tips! Send info on upcoming events, photos or traffic citations to RickChand@gmail.com. And thanks!

This would've been much more enjoyable if it wasn't a photograph for which Randy Johnson posed, and he was instead caught doing this in the clubhouse to psyche himself up before a start. He seemed so much happier in his Mariner days ... not once since he joined the Yankees has he felt like the pretty princess he is.

The trade, which we think will require Johnson to grow back the mullet (he kind of has to; we demand it), is being mostly accepted by Yankees fans — with a few exceptions — probably because Johnson had the worst years of his career as a Yankee. (And also sired some, uh, fascinating specimens.) Diamondbacks fans are happy with the deal too, particularly when you compare it to the last trade with the Yankees for Johnson, proving the D-Backs came out ahead. It kind of looks like everyone's expecting Johnson to pitch until he's 50 anyway, so hey, why not?

But we're serious about the mullet. We are owed.

Trading RJ Revisited [Replacement Level Yankees Weblog]
The Prodigal Returns [AZ Snake Pit]
Homeward Bound [Bronx Banter]

We have to say that this is one thing that Bud Selig has managed to do right. More than 100 players participated over the weekend, with the bats to be auctioned off and the funds used for breast cancer research. Who would have thought that a pink bat would have provided the welcome respite we all needed from the steroid mess. In Cleveland, Kate Wedge, wife of manager Eric Wedge, threw out a ceremonial first pitch and was joined by Nina Wedge, Eric's mother, who is a breast cancer survivor. In Milwaukee, Bill Hall hit a walk-off homer with a pink bat. And teammate Prince Fielder not only used a pink bat, but wrote his wife's name on it. After hitting his home run, Hall announced that he would continue to use the pink bat. Imagine his surprise when he discovers they were only approved for one day.

Clubs Think Pink On Mother's Day [MLB.com]

• 1. Josh Beckett, Yankee Killer. Funniest inscription we've ever seen on a gravestone: "I told you I was sick." Such could be used as a metaphor for Randy Johnson's career right now. On Tuesday, Boston's Josh Beckett was everything Johnson was not; mainly, effective in the strike zone. The Red Sox won 14-3 over the Yankees, as Beckett (4-1) gave up three runs on six hits in seven innings, struck out seven and walked none. Johnson (5-3) lasted just 3 2/3 innings, giving up five hits and seven runs, and uncorking two wild pitches. Yankees fans booed him like crazy when he left. Oh, and Alex Rodriguez made two errors as the Red Sox moved ahead of the Yankees into first place.

• 2. Barry Wuz Robbed. Imagine this scenario: Barry Bonds is robbed of home run No. 714 on a leaping catch by the Cubs' Juan Pierre. Then, the following day, Barry is taking batting practice when a flock of ducks fly into his enormous head. He is knocked cold, never able to play baseball again (something about the Bird Flu. Look, just play along, OK?). Second place on the all-time homer list denied. The first part of this came true on Tuesday, as Pierre's theft in center put San Francisco's dreams on hold for at least one more day, the Giants winning 6-1.

• 3. The Phillies Cannot Be Stopped. Nothing more exciting in all of baseball than the triple, unless it's a wild throw by Mets' pitcher Aaron Heilman. It was David Delucci's three-bagger, and then an overthrow on Bobby Abreu's weak grounder that allowed Delucci to score the winning run in the Phils' 5-4 triumph — their ninth straight win.

• 4. ... And You Don't Mess Around With Jim. Are the Los Angeles Angels the new Kansas City Royals? One thing we know: The Chicago White Sox are their same old selves, as Freddy Garcia (retired the final 16 batters he faced) and Jim Thome (three-run homer) led the Sox over the Angels 9-1. Chicago won for the ninth time in 11 games, and California (sorry, old habit) lost its 10th in the past 12.

• 5. He's Due, As They Say. We don't mean to be Grumpy Guses here, but we are witnessing something pretty extrordinary in the personage of Josh Towers. The Toronto hurler suffered his major league-leading seventh loss as the Oakland Athletics beat the Blue Jays 6-5. Despite giving up three runs over four innings, Towers' ERA actually dropped, to 10.09. He has lost all seven of his decisions so far this season.

• 1. We've Got A Bad Feeling About This. Randy Johnson won his third straight decision on Thursday, as the Yankees topped the Devil Rays 10-5 in Tampa Bay. So then why do Yankees fans have this feeling of dread whenever Big Unit takes the mound? Perhaps because they know deep down, as you do, that he's not pitching well. Big Crazy allowed five runs and seven hits over 6 2/3 innings, becoming the third pitcher in major league history with 4,400 strikeouts. But of his five wins this season, of all of them it could be said, "well, he was good enough." What happens in August, during that pivitol series with the Red Sox, when Johnny Damon decides not to hit a grand slam, as he did Thursday? We just feel wary about the whole Randy Johnson experience right now. Something dramatic is going to happen before June; either he rebounds in glorious fashion, or his left arm flies off and hits a press box window during his follow through.

• 2. If You're Banned In Cuba, You Have To Be Good. Meet Jose Contreras, cyborg from the future. He's now won 13 straight decisions if you're counting; the latest 4-1 over the Mariners (one run, four hits, three walks, four Ks in 7 1/3 innings). Contreras is the A.L.'s first five-game winner, and has a 1.41 ERA. He's 16-2 since last season's All-Star break. The White Sox, by the way, are the first in the majors to 20 wins (helped by Jim Thome's home run). Contreras will always live in our heart because of two great things: 1. His 2003 signing inspired Red Sox CEO Larry Lucchino to dub the New York Yankees "the Evil Empire," and 2. Fidel Castro has banned all White Sox games from Cuban TV when Contreras, who is from Cuba, is pitching.

• 3. Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood. Honesty and accountability in Washington? How odd. Following his Nationals' 11-3 loss to Florida on Thursday (their 10th loss in the past 12 games), manager Frank Robinson sort of threw a fit. "I'm embarrassed for this team, because the fans are coming out here and being very supportive, and we're not giving them what they deserve," Robinson said after the game. "Not even close. And I'm surprised they're not throwing things at us. We deserve whatever they might do or say. I'm amazed they're still coming out here. I wouldn't pay to see us." Wow, good news for the new owners, who just broke ground a few hours earlier $611 million stadium project.

• 4. We Just Like Saying "Papelbon". Besides having a name like a Richard Bach novel, Jonathan Papelbon also has a flair for drama. The Red Sox reliever loves to scare you in disturbing ways before finally getting the job done in the end. In Boston's 7-4 win over Toronto, Papelbon came on with two outs in the ninth, and promptly caught his spike on the pitching rubber on his first pitch, stopping the game as he was checked by the trainer. But the rookie closer stayed in and got a groundout, earning his 11th save in 11 chances.

• 5. OK, Fine. We're now mentioning the Cardinals' four-game losing streak, which is paired smoothly with a nagging back injury for Albert Pujols. We didn't keep bugging you to talk about your dead dog, did we? Sigh. It's May ... it's May ... just keep saying it ... it's May ...

As you might expect, several sports figures made the list, topped by Randy Johnson, who comes in at No. 2. The paper says, "If he couldn't throw a ball 100 miles per hour, Johnson would be wearing a wife beater and getting hauled into a squad car on Cops." Others include:

• 29. Don Zimmer. "The gerbil's got a massive, ivory-white noggin' that never did much thinking to begin with."
• 30. Tony Kornheiser: "Yes, calling sportswriters unattractive is like shooting fish in a barrel. But come on, he looks like your uncle. "

Also making the cut: Julian Tavarez, Willie McGee (no!), Scottie Pippen, Jeff Van Gundy and John Clayton. Congratulations, all.

The 100 Unsexiest Men In The World [Boston Phoenix]
I'm Hideous, Look Away [The Everyday Joe]

The news surfaced because Johnson is suing his former girlfriend, Laurel Roszell, for $97,000 in child-care payments, monies he said never went for care of the child, Heather, now 16. She lives with her mother in Langley, Wash. Johnson said he had had enough when Roszel recently asked him to buy Heather a car and a computer, on top of the $5,000 per month he already pays in child support. Roszell says that Johnson is only suing because he's still mad at her for dumping him. "It wasn't mutual," she told The New York Post of their breakup.

This, of course, is the type of story New York tabloids live for, and hey, who are we to deny them their fun? Besides, the "Liitle Unit" jokes still make us laugh.

My Damn Yankee Dad Blew Me Off [New York Post]
Brushback Pitch [New York Daily News]

In this week's key playoff players drawings, we get the aforementioned Walker, Randy Johnson shooting laser beams out of his eye and Kyle Farnsworth beating a poor Astros senseless. As always, a lunacy-filled good time.

Key Players [Naver]
Cartoonist Delivers Big Hit With Baseball Series [Korea Times]

Pity the supposedly hunky catcher who stripped to his boxer briefs and jumped into a hotel pool with two lovely underwear-clad ladies, very, very late one drunken night. It was warm out, but the pool was closed and unheated. Catcher and the ladies started shrieking because of the cold.

Catcher's teammate, a pitcher he did not get along with, looked out from his room to see what the screaming was about. When he saw who it was, Pitcher ran out to the pool, dove into the pool fully clothed, and pantsed Catcher. Pitcher had climbed out of the pool and run off somewhere with Catcher's boxer briefs before Catcher figured out what had happened.

The ladies started to try to help him out of the pool, but when they caught sight of his sadly inadequate private area, they started laughing so hard they dropped him back into the pool. They staggered off and left him there, cowering and cursing. Hotel security had to fish him out, wrap him in a sheet, and get him back to his room. The team fined him for breaking curfew. Needless to say he didn't get any that night.

And that, boys and girls, is the REAL reason why Catcher refused, from that day forward, to catch for Pitcher ever again.

We don't have the slightest idea who that could possibly be. Check out the site, and let's play the guessing game!

Look, There Was Shrinkage [On the DL]